Fraternising With the Enemy

Disclaimer: Durarara isn't mine.

What is wrong with me? Izaya stared into the mirror in the hope that it would give him some answers. But all he could see was his puzzled expression and the deep bags under his eyes. It was difficult for him to sleep with the way his head had been spinning.

Things had been trickling into his brain for a few days; vague ideas and concepts forming into coherent thoughts. These were scary enough but it was the strong flashes of emotion hitting him hardest. Mainly because he was feeling such strong feelings, especially towards Shizuo. It was the conflict causing him the most grief; strong hate and strong affection burning through him at the same time.

Izaya knew he liked Shizuo but this intense affection was something else… This was an old feeling beginning to resurface once more; it had to have been buried because the revulsion he felt accompanying it made it clear, this was unwelcome. Izaya had been aware for a long time that he was a terrible person. There had to have been a reason of course but he had been unprepared for the sheer hurricane of conflicting emotions raging through him.

But how did he tell Shizuo this? He didn't want him to go back to hating him as he'd said he would. He wasn't the same person was he? He hoped not. Shizuo was so good to him, especially after all they'd been through together and Izaya didn't know if he could let himself feel any of that hate. Why did he hate him? What even was there to hate?

I'm terrible… Izaya placed his forehead against the cool glass of the mirror and tried to breathe, looking into his eyes up close. They weren't pleasant were they? He may have been attractive but there was something rotten on the inside. He certainly wasn't good enough for anyone to like him or be with him.

Another wave of self-loathing rushed over him, accompanied by nausea and he had to quickly angle himself over the toilet as he started emptying his stomach. Mental anguish didn't pair well with your digestive system; who knew?

"Izaya?" He'd thought Shizuo was still in bed after all this but it seemed he'd been there a while.

"I'm fine!" Don't come in here! Please stay away! He didn't think he could see him right now without it getting worse.

"I need ta piss, what are ya doing in there?" Shizuo still sounded tired so it seemed he hadn't realised he'd been throwing up.

"Just a second!" He tried to hold in the nausea and began running a tap.

"You better not be doing anything weird!"

"No!" Hold it in! Just- fuck! Nausea won once again and he had to grasp the sides of the toilet.

They had only just replaced that door but once again it was ripped from its hinges as Shizuo barged his way in. That he looked concerned instead of angry was strange to him, adding to the conflict in his brain.

"Why didn't ya say you were sick idiot?!"

"I-." He tried to speak but when Shizuo placed a hand on his back, he felt his head start to ache. Disgust. Repulsion. Affection. Hate. Friendship. Love. Adoration. Resentment. So many things all jostling for supremacy.

"What is it?"

"I can't- don't ask me right now!" He would have to explain something he couldn't understand.

"Should I call Shinra?"

"No!" He didn't think that would help… would it? Maybe there was someone else…

"But-."

"Tom. Call him."

"Tom?!" Izaya nodded. "OK…"

He couldn't explain but that man knew enough didn't he? He knew Shizuo and he seemed sensible so maybe he could understand some of it. And maybe he could calm Shizuo down…

-Page Break-

"And what am I supposed to do?" Tom hung his jacket up on the side and slid off his shoes.

"I don't know, he just said to call you."

"He knows I'm not a doctor right?"

"He said no to calling Shinra. I just don't know what's wrong…" Shizuo looked concerned in a way he rarely did. Tom hadn't seen him like this before so he knew he had to help as best he could.

"Where is he?"

"Bathroom."

"That's… OK, I guess I'm going in."

"Thanks Tom." Shizuo sat himself at the table and pulled out a cigarette, likely one of a long chain of cigarettes judging by the ashtray in front of him. Tom rolled his eyes but left him to it; one at a time.

Izaya was crouched next to the bath, leaning up against it and holding his head in his hands. He'd always been frail but in these harsh lights, his weaknesses were highlighted. Those thin wrists, gaunt frame and those tired eyes glancing up at him. This man was not well at all.

"You should see a doctor."

"I know but…" Izaya seemed to struggle into a sitting position with his back against the bath. "There's something I… I need help with."

"And I can help you?"

"Maybe." Tom doubted this; he was one normal guy in an apartment with super humans.

"Let's see what we can do then." He came and sat down next to Izaya.

"I…. shit, I don't know how to talk about this."

"Take your time." Number one thing I thought I'd never do; give Izaya Orihara a therapy session on a bathroom floor. It seemed there was a first time for everything.

"There are things coming back. Not memories but… other things." This would be why he wasn't telling Shizuo. "Mainly feelings."

"Feelings about Shizuo?" Izaya nodded. "I guess you remember how much you disliked him."

"That but, there are other things. I don't understand. But you might…"

"You thought I might be able to explain it?" Izaya nodded. "I don't know you that well. Of everyone, the person who knew you best was… well, I guess Shinra?"

"I just know Shizuo trusts you."

"Ah. Now I see. You want me to stop him if he loses it?"

"Kind of." Tom sighed.

"I can't really do that you know? He's not the type to listen." But maybe he could help moderate things. Shizuo might be able to restrain himself since he was starting to care. "What do you remember?"

"I hate him and I'm repulsed by him but… I also want to be near him. And… I love him almost as much as I hate him." His eyebrows must have disappeared into his hairline. "And I don't think the love is all that recent either."

"You… wait. You think you love him?"

"I think I always did. Maybe? I don't understand. Did it look that way to you?"

"You seemed obsessed with him at times but I would have said you hated him." Everyone would have said the same.

"I don't understand…" Izaya buried his head in his hands. "I don't know what to do about it all. But I know he'll want nothing to do with me once I remember."

"Maybe you won't want anything to do with him either."

"I don't know…" Izaya gave him a pained look. "My head feels like it's spinning."

"It would be." His first priority had to be Shizuo through all this but he needed to do something. "I think you should go to Shinra."

"You think I need a doctor?"

"Not for that reason. He's known Shizuo since they were children and he's known you since middle school. He knows you better than anyone."

"Right…" Izaya pulled himself up. And then he paused. "Oh."

"Something come to mind?"

"I think you're right." Tom didn't know what this meant.

"Want me to take you?"

"No. I can find it."

"Really?" He hadn't even been able to find his own house the other week.

"I think I can. So could you talk to Shizuo?"

"Will you be coming back?"

"I hope so."

"You mean if Shizuo lets you?"

"Exactly." Tom couldn't be sure if it would be safe for either of them. But they were grown men.

"Alright. If you're sure you're safe."

"I can do it. Maybe." And Izaya fled out the door with almost catlike grace.

He's slowly coming back isn't he? Those feelings were the first but when everything came back, would he be the same? Tom could not let Izaya hurt Shizuo and that would always be his priority.

"Izaya? Where-?" He heard Shizuo from the other room.

"I'll be back later." As the door clicked shut, Tom followed him in, seeing Shizuo watching the door with a confused expression.

"Where's he goin'? Should he be out alone?"

"He's going to see Shinra."

"So he is sick?"

"Not exactly. You should sit down." So he had less time to run after him.

"Huh? Why?" Shizuo was still clueless on what was going on.

"Just sit down first." He was confused but he trusted Tom and so he did so. And now for the fun part… He just hoped he wouldn't die.

-Page Break-

His feet had taken him where he needed to go without him having to do anything. He kept a hood over his face just in case he ran into someone who might want him dead, not an impossibility. Even his… sister? No. Sisters. His sisters would probably try to kill him. Man that was fucked up wasn't it? But maybe he could get some answers. He needed to tie everything together because he knew he was missing some points. But maybe Shinra would know?

The apartment complex looked over him and Izaya, checking back to see that no one had followed him, rang the bell. Increasing memories led to increased paranoia, probably not unfounded.

"Hello?" Shinra sounded just as cautious over the intercom.

"It's Izaya."

"Izaya? Is Shizuo there?!"

"No." He waited as the doctor considered this statement.

"Alright, come on up." The buzzer sounded and Izaya stepped in, finally letting out the breath he hasn't realised he was holding in. The elevator took him up to the top floor as he tried not to look at his own reflection, his eyes firmly on the ground. When the door opened, he saw Shinra waiting in the doorway of the apartment.

"Thank you in advance for not bringing the Destroyer of Apartments with you."

"I need to talk to you. Alone."

"Celty's out so… come in I guess?" He had a feeling he knew who Celty was. Or what… "I'm guessing this isn't a check up?"

Those eyes… He saw a lot more than that cheery disposition let on. How much did he know? Did he see much about him? Izaya sat on one of the soft sofas, keeping eye contact with Shinra.

"No."

"Are things coming back?"

"They're starting to."

"I didn't think they were all there. You wouldn't be here if that was happening; you're not the type to show weakness."

"…How well do you know me?"

"Hmm." Shinra tilted his head to one side and crossed his arms. "As well as anyone can I guess?"

"How do I feel about Shizuo?"

"Eh? How would I know that?"

"I don't know. But I just…" He gestured.

"Ahh. You're confused about your own emerging feelings?"

"That."

"Hm-hm." Shinra nodded. "Weelll, I don't know exactly…"

"But?" He needed an outside perspective.

"I'd say you're angry with him because he makes you feel things you don't like to feel."

"What does that even mean?"

"I mean… You always liked him but you can't deal with your own feelings so you took it out on him. That and you've kind of… This is just my perspective OK?"

"Just say it." He'd have to take it, whatever it was.

"You seem jealous. He's a likeable guy and you're not so you've always seemed that way…" Well that explained the revulsion.

"That… I think you have a point." He felt disgusted with himself for admitting it.

"I mean, you've always been sensitive Izaya."

"…What?" That was the opposite of what he was expecting.

"You're sensitive even if you deny it. I think it's why you always push people away and act like an asshole. You don't want anyone to see the real you so you keep people at an arm's length. But you still want them to like you too. You've always been difficult haven't you?" It made sense but hearing it from someone else left him a little cold inside. "Too much?"

"Shut up." He needed not to be irritated but things were popping up out of nowhere.

"It was nice while it lasted I guess… If you could try to be nice to Shizuo so he's less angry, that'd be great." They expected him to go straight back to hurting him again.

"I don't want to hurt him."

"You just want to protect yourself don't you?" He was too perspective wasn't he? When he was paying attention. "If you like him, tell him. Help us out here. Shizuo can find out it was nothing to do with him and maybe he can feel better about himself."

"He'll feel better once he's killed me." Which he might do. Brutally.

"I mean, you would deserve it." A very shitty friend. Suiting for a shitty person.

"Thanks for clarifying things." Izaya slowly got to his feet.

"You're going already?"

"You've told me what I needed to know." He'd confirmed things he really knew; he'd always cared a lot for Shizuo.

"Sounds about right; you're not quite you but you're getting back."

"Great." Maybe hiding his feelings would get easier? Or maybe he always felt like this. Like he was being ripped in two.

"Good luck." He placed a hand on the door and paused. OK, there was only one more thing he could do. Better late than never right?

"Hey…."

"What?"

"…Thanks…"

"For telling you your many secrets?"

"No." This had been long overdue. "For what you did. In middle school. I never said it so… thanks." There was a loud clattering sound, as if something had been dropped.

"You- you. What?!"

"I'm not saying it again." And he left before anything else could happen.