Fraternising With the Enemy

Disclaimer: Durarara isn't mine.

Shizuo was crouched on the shattered remains of his table, head buried in his hands. He'd tried to keep calm as best he could but as soon as Tom had walked out, Shizuo hadn't been able to stop himself. He'd needed to let the feelings out somehow and the poor table had taken the brunt of it. Nothing was really helping at this point though; nothing could stop him feeling this maelstrom of emotion.

Because he didn't want to hate Izaya even if now he was probably losing the person he had become. Knowing that he was beginning to remember and knowing he'd had those extreme physical reactions…

Shizuo knew Izaya wouldn't be coming back. Why would he? He'd probably be back to his own place and in a few days they'd be trying to kill each other again. They'd been so close lately and gotten better and it felt disheartening to know all their progress would be lost so easily.

What did I expect though? It was never gonna end well. Things never do for me. He'd always be a fuck up. People like Simon and Tom helped him but even they would have to leave eventually. He'd lose them. Even Kasuka barely ever spoke to him and now he faced yet another rejection.

Shizuo was filled with hate, rage, frustration and a deep sadness settling down. He'd been almost apathetic about his situation for a long time but this had made him feel more than he'd done in a while and he could feel the tears drifting down his face. He was just so tired of life doing its best to fuck him all the time.

He pulled himself upright and drifted towards the fridge. There was only one thing he could think of to help numb his feelings and this was the cold bottle of beer he found waiting for him in the door. He'd just uncapped the bottle as he heard the front door click open. Shizuo froze as he looked straight into the equally startled face of Izaya. The bottle slipped from his fingers and smashed on the ground.

"…Izaya?" Was this real? Or was this another sick joke?

"I…" Izaya gulped. Both of them eyed each other like wary animals.

"How much shit do you remember?" He had to know.

"Not much but.. enough. It keeps coming." His expression was pained.

"Then why the fuck are you back here?" His expression probably looked furious right now but inwardly he felt terrified. He didn't want to hurt him no matter how much hate he still had towards him. His head was a mess right now and so was Izaya's; this couldn't go well.

"I had to speak to you." His face was still expressive enough but that guarded expression was back. Trying to hide what was really there. "But you should clean that up first." He pointed to the smashed glass by his feet.

"Shut the fuck up!" Izaya was right but he didn't want to admit that. Instead he grabbed another bottle and hurled it at the bastard. He hadn't been aiming at him really, a fact that surprised him and Izaya as it smashed beside him. He'd not even moved, almost as if he knew. "You should get the fuck out of here before I kill you!" Please…

"Just listen to me first. Please Shizuo." He was begging. Izaya was begging. Fucking Izaya Orihara.

"What's the point of talking?! What can you say to me? If you're trying to screw with me I'll plant ya into that wall!" He would. He couldn't doubt him. Even if the idea of it was making his heart twist.

"But-!" Those words of his were dangerous so he had to make them stop. That was how he got you in the end.

So Shizuo charged him. He moved fast, running at Izaya and grabbing his shoulders, ramming him hard into the wall. He ignored the pained expression on Izaya's face and put his right hand around his throat, gripping just hard enough to make a point. He could feel his quick breaths and his throat convulsing as he swallowed.

Shizuo was glaring at Izaya and Izaya was watching him. Clearly he was afraid but there was something else… he almost seemed resigned to whatever happened. His body loosened; he didn't grip him back, he just went limp against the wall.

"The fuck're you doing?!" This was a trick right? It had to be. And then Izaya smiled at him. It was enough to take his breath away; it was so soft.

"I won't fight you. That'll make you happy won't it?" Shizuo tightened his grip a little. Izaya coughed a little at the pressure but just about managed to gasp out "kill me."

Shizuo released Izaya's throat and grabbed his wrist, pinning both hands onto the wall. Why was he struggling to breath when he wasn't the one who had been choked?

"What're you doing?!"

"Trying to make you feel better." His voice sounded croaky.

"Why?" This was scaring him almost. It was understandable when Izaya knew nothing but when he was remembering… why would he act like this? Izaya grimaced, his breathing shaky before he finally looked right at Shizuo. Those eyes were strange; vulnerable. He looked so exposed.

"Because I love you." He felt cold all over, the breath knocked out of him.

"…Are you fucking serious?" He almost whispered. "Don't lie to me!"

"Why would I lie to you?"

"To fuck with me! To save your sorry ass! Some other sick bullshit?!" There had to be a reason for this. His mind couldn't comprehend the idea of it being real. Izaya had flinched at each sentence.

"Shizuo, I mean it."

"Stop fucking lying!" His grip was tightening and he saw Izaya grit his teeth, struggling not to cry out. "Is this just another fucked up way of getting me to kill you so you can prove I'm a monster? Is that it?"

"I told you, you're not-!"

"Shut up!" Shizuo just couldn't deal with this anymore.

Kill him. But I don't want to- Crush him! Break all of his bones! No! Don't do it. Don't prove him right. His head was spinning. Why did he always have to suffer like this? It just wasn't fair. And why did his kindness have to be punished like this?

"Shizuo!" Izaya's yell startled him and he found himself looking into those eyes. "Stop blaming yourself for this. This isn't your fault. It wasn't you. This is all because of me!"

"I know that! You're a fuckin' parasite! You use people to get what you want and you only care about yourself!"

"I know… And that's why I hated you. Because you're everything I'm not."

"So you admit you lied?" Of course he did. Not even this fucker would love him.

"No. I-."

"Tell me the fucking truth!"

"I hate you because I love you!" Well it was confusing enough to stall his anger.

"What does that even mean?!" Izaya sighed.

"You're everything I'm not. Always… You're beautiful and fascinating and you draw people to you like the sun. I always wanted to be with you but… I'm not like you. I can't be like you. And I hate you for that… Because people love you Shizuo, even if you don't believe it. I hate you and I love you and want you to touch me and to stay away from me…. And the more I know you, the more I love you." Izaya seemed to be agonising over this, his face crumpling. This was hurting him to say it and he didn't know how to feel.

Maybe this could be a trick? But when did Izaya Orihara ever let himself get hurt? He was acting wrong again. And what he'd said…

"You… You hate me because people love me?" Finally something had clicked in his brain.

"Yes…"

"So all this time. All this fucking time. You kept trying to break me and ruin my life because you were jealous of me."

"It's fucked up isn't it? I know it is." He smiled but this was not so soft. This was more like him. "I love you and I hurt you and I'm fucking terrible. So kill me before I go back. Because feeling all this shit inside me is fucking killing me. I can hardly breathe right now."

Shizuo didn't know how to feel about this… Hate yes. Sadness most definitely. But… He should not feel happy. No one should feel happy about hearing this. Unless they were starved of human interaction, desperate for intimacy and getting overly reliant on one shit heap of a human being.

"Does it hurt?"

"It does."

"Have you… Have you always hurt like this?" Izaya looked pitiful if anything.

"I think so… It's hard to remember. I don't know how I dealt with it. Aside from fuck with you apparently."

Shizuo was still furious but that fury was being dampened as he realised he was almost pleased Izaya had been hurting too.

I ain't gonna be like that. I won't enjoy his suffering. But… They were both monsters in a way weren't they? Izaya was by far the worst but jealousy and pettiness are very human emotions aren't they?

"Shizuo?" Izaya was looking at him with a pleading expression. "I don't know how I'll be as more of me comes back. You deserve to be happy so if me not being here makes you happy, I can do that."

"I…" He had the weight of a life in his hands didn't he? "I don't know what to think about all this shit."

"Sorry. It's messed up isn't it?"

"I'm really pissed off that you fucked with me for such petty reasons."

"I knew you would be. And I'm surprised I'm not dead yet." So was Shizuo.

"I ain't gonna kill you." Izaya looked surprised. "I'm not a monster."

"Oh…" He wasn't sure what to make of that face.

"Part 'a me feels like it. But I am not gonna do it"

"I don't deserve it."

"Tough."

"What if I try to hurt you again?"

"You won't." He spoke with more conviction than he felt.

"How can you know? You can't trust me. I can't even trust me."

"I don't trust you. But I will make sure you don't."

"How?" A good question.

"Because I'm strong enough to stop ya if I have to." He had faith in that at least.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No!" He had spoken so harshly they both flinched. "…No…"

"You… You'd let me be near you?"

"That's what I fucking said!" Izaya smiled.

"You realise I want that? More than anything." An edge came into his voice; a desperation.

"You got a lot to make up for."

"How can I make up for it Shizu-chan? Tell me." He looked hungry…

Shizuo released Shizuo's wrists, grasped the scruff of his shirt and hauled him over his shoulder. He was carrying him back to his bedroom where he threw him to the ground on top of the futon. The man had barely any time to move before Shizuo was on top of him, pinning him down and forcing their mouths together, hard.

Human affection, contact, want, love. He needed it so bad, it felt like that chasm inside of him could never be full. And judging from the way Izaya pressed right back, he wasn't the only one. Two monsters. Two humans. Both desperate.

-Page Break-

Izaya lay tucked up under Shizuo's chin, naked body pressed against his. Things had gone in a kind of blur and he felt almost motion sick at the speed of it all. They'd lain together afterwards, drifting into unconsciousness but now he was awake, aching all over and trying to come to terms with whatever went on inside his head.

There had been no declaration of love. Shizuo had grabbed him and fucked him and he had wanted it more than anything. He listened to him breathing and let himself indulge in Shizuo's scent.

He was furious with himself for letting his emotions be on display; even with his lack of emotion, he knew vulnerability was something he detested. And yet part of him was revelling in getting what he wanted. Shizuo wanted him; maybe not in the same way but he would take it.

I love you, he thought as he ran his finger over that collarbone littered with scars. I want you. He kissed Shizuo's neck, enjoying the small twitch the man made in his sleep. Mine… All mine.

No. Not mine. But he could be. He will be. He might not want it but I want it. I deserve to get what I want… I deserve nothing. I hurt him didn't I? I'm lucky he lets me stay near him. But I'll always stay with him. That's what I need. Maybe it's what I've always needed. I needed Shizu-chan to be mine and if that happens… Everything will be OK.

He felt just as cold all over as it sunk in how fucked up he was. But in spite of all that he knew… He loved Shizuo more than anything. Why had he ever pushed this away?

Even if he doesn't really love me, I'll take what I can get.

Yep I know this is fucked up… It does involve Izaya after all.