People Are Troublesome

Disclaimer: Naruto isn't mine.

Hidan was gone that morning. A little surprising and not as usual but this guy often did whatever he wanted to do. Plus it was nice to wake up in a bed where you weren't hanging out of the side as some asshole stole most of your sheets. Shikamaru stretched himself out and tried to savour the space.

He knew he had to go out today but he put off removing himself from the cosy fabric cocoon for as long as was humanly possible, only removing himself when he knew he'd be super late if he didn't.

When he finally slouched out of his room dressed (mostly) and with eyes that could only just stay open, he realised he could hear voices coming up the stairs. Or more, one voice chattering.

…What is going on? Is she monologuing to herself? It would not surprise him of course, she gave him that kind of impression. Living with Shikaku would do that to you. And then he heard an excerpt of the words.

"…I didn't know which size you would need so I got a selection." A selection of what?! "You think these will do?"

"I guess yeah. Thanks fer that." Now he had to admit he was intrigued. Hidan too? He finally walked into the kitchen to view Hidan and Yoshino sitting on either side of the table and in the middle of them, a pile of… Oh.

"What is going on here?" He could guess but he didn't want to articulate it.

"There you are! Join us!" Perhaps it was the shock but he pulled up a chair and sat down. "I just thought I should talk you through some important stuff."

"I know how to use condoms!" He could feel his face going red, more out of exasperation than anything else.

"I'm trying to help! And you get condoms for free! You know how expensive those things are?!"

"Well thank you." He could see Hidan was less phased and was instead playing with them. "You're not helping."

"This one's banana flavour." Apparently Hidan did not even care.

"Really?" Yoshino picked up another one at random. "Huh. Kiwi." Shikamaru buried his face in his hands. "I know you two are both boys but it's good to prepare in case of diseases!"

"We di- will!" He saw the look she gave him at the slip of the tongue. "I know!"

"I'm very pleased to hear it." He'd practically admitted they'd had sex and the idea was making him want to sink into the ground. "Just be careful."

"We have to go. Now." He gave Hidan a look. After a pause to pocket a few condoms he shrugged.

"If ya want."

"Have fun at school. And if you need any more advice-."

"Thank you!" He had to stop her as quick as possible before this strayed into more embarrassing territory and he fled to the hallway, followed by Hidan.

"What advice would she have?"

"Do not ask me." He didn't want to think about that.

-Page Break-

Kiba couldn't stop laughing at him. It had been a good ten minutes now and still it carried on and Shikamaru was just pretending it wasn't happening.

"Don't feel too bad about it. You should have heard what Sasuke's dad said." Sasuke glared at his loudmouth boyfriend. "What, it was such a good line."

"You've all heard my shame so you can share yours." He had to hope it was worse.

"Fine. Tell them."

"He told Sasuke that he needed to 'put a sheathe on to avoid damaging his sword'." Well this suddenly made his mother look way better.

"You family really likes their swords huh?"

"His dad's study is covered in swords. It's awesome!"

"I think sex talks are always awkward." Choji didn't add in any personal examples but he paused in eating for just a few moments.

"What the hell kind of talk did you have?" Shikamaru had noticed Hidan hadn't added much to this conversation.

"I got asked if I knew what fuckin' was and I said yes so he said 'good'."

"That's… really underwhelming." It made sense of course but it was a shame it wasn't funnier.

"What did ya expect?"

"I don't know… Something involving puppets I guess?" He called him puppet fucker all the time, that would have made perfect sense. Hidan took a moment to imagine this and then started laughing. Hard. Apparently this was one of the funniest things he'd heard in a while. And he did look nice when he smiled… Shikamaru felt a nudge into his side and suddenly Ino was giving him a smirk. "What?"

"I can see why you're dating him."

"…Shut up."

"You look nice when you smile, holy fuck. I'm glad you're dating Shika so you won't be taking any girls!" Hidan gave Kiba a weird look; apparently he didn't believe this.

"Fuck you!" If you knew him well enough, you could tell Hidan was embarrassed by this.

"Other people don't stop you dating girls Kiba; you being a pain in the ass is why no one wants to date you." He flinched as if Sakura had physically hit him.

"Why did you have to be so mean?!"

"It's for your own good."

"Same for why no guys will date you," Naruto quickly added.

"So I guess no one wants me…" Kiba sighed. "I am alone. Bereft in this world. I will spend the rest of my days with only dogs for company."

"Wow I didn't know you were into that."

"For fuck's sake Sasuke!" The only thing that gave away that Kiba was just as amused was the small smile on his face.

Conversations always went downhill in this particular group of people… It wasn't as if it was unexpected; his friends had always filthy minds. Ino and Kiba especially…

-Page Break-

Although he had managed to sort things out with his parents, Shikamaru didn't know if this had been communicated with Asuma. While he had had no classes with the bastard today, as he walked out of his final class, he could see Asuma walking down the hall from his own classroom.

Well isn't that just fantastic? Exactly what he needed right now. Shikamaru had not been spotted yet but he knew it was going to be imminent. No sudden changes he could make, no quick escapes. All he could do was maybe duck into a room but with students pouring out from every door, it wouldn't be easy.

He squared his shoulders and walked straight towards him. If they were in a busy hallway it would be harder to have a full conversation. Though when Asuma made eye contact, he knew he was going to say something. The guy was a 'concerned teacher'. He always tried to help 'problem students'.

"Shikamaru."

"Yes?" He paused and tried to channel his inner Hidan; as much sass as possible without saying anything.

"Can we have a quick talk?" Again? Seriously?

"We spoke yesterday."

"Yes, but-."

"Oi brat." He hadn't expected to be rescued and he definitely hadn't expected Sasori to be the one doing it. "I need you to carry that shit for me. Come on."

"Um…" He had no idea what he meant.

"But-."

"Sorry, you'll have to talk later." That worked.

"Later." And Shikamaru followed Sasori. Kind of awkward since they barely knew each other but better than Asuma. "Do you actually have stuff to carry?"

"Yeah. Heavy shit to go to my car. So thanks for that."

"You're welcome. And thanks for… y'know." If that had been his intention anyway.

"He's kind of a pain in the ass. Plus I'd rather watch the next time you guys talk; I gotta get my kicks somewhere." At least someone was amused.

"I could see the gestures."

"He makes it too easy to mock him." Shikamaru nodded in agreement with this. "Here's the shit." Sasori gestured into the art room, currently full of boxes of wood. "I guess we'll need a couple of trips."

"What's all this?"

"Wood and shit." Sasori took one and Shikamaru reluctantly took another. They were kind of heavy and he knew he wasn't going to enjoy this.

"I can see where Hidan gets the swearing from."

"I didn't do that. He already swore. And he had the bad temper too before you ask." He knows he has a temper then. "He's been a shit since before I met him."

"And he hasn't gotten worse?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing…" Sasori gave him a pointed glare and he had to look away, feigning innocence.

It was definitely more than a couple of trips. Considerably more. Shikamaru was exhausted by the end of it and almost wondering if escaping Asuma had been worth it. When they finally brought down the last of the boxes, he signed and stretched out his aching back.

"Why did you bring so much?"

"I had a lot accumulating but I don't wanna waste it on some damn school kids."

"…Why are you even a teacher?"

"I get paid to ignore kids while I do what I want? More than I would get paid to sell my art."

"Understandable." He could appreciate anyone taking the easy route. Almost as if he had realised that the actual work had done, Hidan rounded a corner, heading straight for them when he realised where they were.

"Where the fuck were you? Why are you with the puppet fucker?"

"We are moving wood." Hidan narrowed his eyes.

"Don't have him move shit for you."

"Don't tell me what to do you little gobshite!"

"Fuck you!" Hidan grabbed Shikamaru's arm and tugged him away, flipping off Sasori as they walked. Sasori did the same in return as he got into his car.

"He did help me avoid Asuma." Shikamaru felt obliged to defend him a little since he had 'saved' him.

"He's still a pisstaker."

"You are kind of alike. In a weird way."

"No we're not!" He looked outraged by the idea.

"Similar language, similar temper, similar disdain for people…" Shikamaru counted it off on his hands.

"…Fuck." Apparently this was a depressing thought. "…At least I don' do stupid art!"

"You're more of a pyromaniac type than an arty type."

"I don't set that many fires!" He flicked Shikamaru on the ear for good measure.

"Honestly I'm impressed you know what that means."

"Fuck you!" Yes he did deserve the smack around the head.

"Ow! Ok, I'm sorry!"

"You should be." He was huffing and pouting at him. "You better be plannin' on payin' me back!"

"What do you want?" You could see the thought process working through his brain; his brow furrowed, lifted and then he smirked. "I think I can guess…"

"A thing you'd need ta sheathe your sword for."

"And thank you for that image…" It would be one he would not be able to get rid of for a while.