What does it take to fall in love?
Until now, he had only ever witnessed it.
Love, that is.
He had witnessed it in the wistful eyes and playful smirks and longing voices of two men, ironically, in love with the same woman.
When is was still a young boy who loathed everything about Lieutenant Aizen, he was rather fond of his unknowing rival. He would even go as far as to say he like Captain Urahara.
He liked the fact that his lieutenant, who claimed to know all things, could never compare to the genius that was the goofy captain of squad 12. As they'd pass one another in the Sereitei, often to deliver a message to Captain Hirako that his own Lieutenant refused to send, he and Aizen would exchange words. He would wave to Gin if he was nearby and bid them farewell. Gin could tell the honorific, sama, stung Aizen's tongue as it passed through his lips to say goodbye. It always made Gin happy.
As he grew into a young man and his loathing for Aizen was confused in his admiration of the lieutenant's ideals, he found Uruhara's clumsy charm and mellow attitude less and less appealing. He was too nice, his eyes too bright.
But he was a completely different person when she was in the room.
He didn't act like it, not really. But Gin could tell from his eyes, normally clear relaxed, that she heightened all his senses. She made him protect her, without asking him to, and not because she was a princess.
Kisuke's eyes told him pretty much everything he needed to know about it, although Gin had never known the feeling himself.
At least, he hadn't put a name to the feeling yet.
What happens if love hurts you?
He was equally pleased that the noble spoiled brat felt the same way about her. He would never have admitted it, but the young Lord Kuchiki was in love with the one thing he couldn't buy. Even more royal and privileged than he, but worthy of her Captaincy and all her other accolades. Gin was surprised he hadn't fallen in love with Princess Yoruichi himself.
He didn't see Byakuya for months after the "traitors" escaped, but when he did, he was different. He was faster, stronger, and more skilled than Gin, despite being a year younger and despite Gin being a child prodigy.
Yet, enjoying Byakuya's misery didn't feel the way he'd wanted it to feel. He thought that it would please him, but it just made him uncomfortable. He was lifeless and void of emotion. He was careful and prided himself on duty and honour above all else. He was not the same Kuchiki he'd hated all of these years. He felt it best to forget him.
Until that moment, he hadn't realized how much he'd remembered of those three people, two of them distant figures of his cruel past and the other still a shadow of his former self.
When she woke up, laying belly up on the sofa, he was at her feet, staring wide-eyed into an oblivion of shadows cast by the lamps at the far end of the room.
"You're angry." She said, barely audible above the white noise. She shifted her seat to curl her legs as close up to her chin as they would go. Gin could tell that she'd meant to say it louder, more confidently. She was so scared of his reaction that her voice caught and she didn't want to be close to him.
"I'm not angry Ran, I'm just…shocked." He pushed a hand roughly through his silver strands of hair, as if doing so would make sense of everything.
"You're shocked," it was more of a statement than a question and she loosened herself so that her legs were firmly planted on the floor and her forearms rested in line with her thighs, fingers locked and pale. Gin noticed that her belly nestled quite perfectly in between the gap of her legs. "So, you don't remember..."
"I don't remember anything Ran, I'm sorry."
He was about to say something, but she cut him off.
"I can't fucking believe you."
For the first time since she found out, she felt ashamed.
Not with herself, of course. She was proud of herself. She was proud of what she had been able to do with her life, proud that she'd made it out of the Rukongai and was a seated officer and was about to have a baby.
She was ashamed of him.
That look on his face, the look of disappointment, made it very clear to her that she was right to want to do this on her own. She'd hoped – prayed, actually – that in some way she could hide this from him forever. She would go back to her duties as a soul reaper and she would continue to be on the parameters of his secret life. At least she'd have something to show for it. But they would never be the same, she promised herself.
But she was also prepared for this moment, too.
When she came to, she was laying on the futon. He could feel his warmth at her feet, but she refused to look at him even though he knew she was awake.
She made a haphazard attempt at an apology, but she was positive that he thought it was an apology for getting knocked up and not for forgetting to tell him about it.
They exchanged a few words.
He tells her he can't remember.
The words came out of her mouth as if bidden by another power. An angry and powerful part of her spirit ignited in a fury she never thought she could feel for him.
"I can't fucking believe you."
She got up to leave, trying to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall.
"Ran, wait – "
I've waited long enough.
"Please, just…leave me. Leave us."
Although her head was bent, she could feel the change effect on him that came with that word: us. For the longest time, it referred to them. Everything she ever was, ever remembered being was connected to him someway. Leaving him out felt fucking impossible.
"No."
She laughed.
Is he seriously into playing mind games now? Why can't he when I need him to be?
"Look Gin this isn't the time for your petty little – "
She stopped.
When she raised her head, she took in the Gin that stood before her, his eyes almost a mirror image of her own.
Except, he was not as successful damming his tears.
"Gin,"
"Look, Rangiku. I know you're mad and I know you want me to leave, but no."
His eyes were red and clashed with the sky blue of his pupils. It was so rare to see them clearly, and although a single tear hardly counted as crying, she realized she had never seen him cry before.
She nodded in response to his demand. Not because she wanted him to stay, but because she had no words left. She didn't know how to handle what she saw in his eyes. She didn't want to know, either.
She turned around and walked to her room, sliding the door shut carefully behind her. Although she knew she would have to deal with this tomorrow, it felt good to have some separation. The walls were just one of many barriers that stood between them and the only one she'd put up herself.
If he wants this, if he wants us again, he needs to let me in.
She was not sure she would be ready collapse.