A/N: Hey guys! If you're still following me I'm back. Thank you for being so patient. I have no excuses other than I hadn't the time and sometimes the drive, to write another chapter. I also have so many jumbled chapter ideas and content that it was hard for me to figure out what come where in the story line. I hope to keep the momentum going and as I am finished school for good (finally!) in a few days, I hope to have another chapter out before the new year.

Happy Readings!***

Months before,…

He was in one of his more obsessive moods today. Far from the valor he should have felt for this occasion. It had taken quite some time to get there, but the Soul Society was finally over Keisuke and Lady Yoruichi's betrayal, and the ceremony inducting both he and Aizen as Squad 5 Lieutenant and Captain, respectfully, had arrived.

"It's funny, isn't it?"

"Whaddya mean, Cap'n?"

"I mean, despite all of his efforts, and his interference, I'm exactly where I planned to be. Even Keisuke's fall from grace was planned. And you should really learn how to speak properly, Lieutenant. Your accent has become…. annoying."

They were in Captain Hirako – no, Captain Aizen's new office. Not like he hadn't been used to it already, but he was quick to assume the duties of his former captain and rearrange the office to suit his liking.

"I'll do my best not to annoy you. Perhaps, I should just use another room?"

"No." Aizen always wanted Gin close by. Which made it very hard for him to be elsewhere.

"No," Aizen repeated, more softly this time. "It would be out of place. We need some sense of normalcy," he tapped at the hilt of his zanpakuto, Kyoka Suigetsu. Gin could feel Shinso burining through his sheath. For every emotion Gin could not show toward Aizen, Shinso did it for him.

He belittles our intelligence too often, Master. Is it time to kill him yet?

Hold yer' horses, Shinso. I haven't even been promoted yet.

He was not used to his sword's dissent. He liked to kill and so did Shinso. Every time he cut someone down, especially when they were equally matched, he enjoyed the thrill of victory.

But today was a different kind of thrill, one he did not want to admit he'd ever desired. Growing up as an orphan, he'd been robbed of the praises of small accomplishments, although he didn't feel he was the type of boy who'd have liked parents anyway.

No, he did not need any acknowledgement or praises from Aizen or any other Soul Reaper but one.

This was for her.

The ceremony went as planned, with all Captains, Lieutenants and seated officers attended Squad 5 ceremonial grounds. In the thick of gardens laden with birches and azalea bushes, Captain Yamamoto presented both he and Aizen with their new robes and official documents were signed and sealed into an envelope for Captain Ukitake to bring to the archives.

A queue of soul reapers gathered behind the Head Captain to shake hands with their colleagues. Captains were followed by their lieutenants and were cordial. Since Squad 5 was the last of the squads to have its head reinstated, Sui Feng was already captain of Squad 2 and shook Gin's hand disinterestedly. He could hardly blame her, for he felt the admiration she'd felt for her former captain resembled the love Captain Urahara had for her.

When the time came for Squad 6 to congratulate him, Ginrei Kuchiki was followed by his grandson, newly appointed his lieutenant. Byakuya refrained from shaking hands with Gin for no apparent reason other than to assert his nobility and his seniority of being among the Court Guard Squad's elite.

"I'm sorry for the loss of your Captain Hirako, Lieutenant Ichimaru." The look on the younger boy's face was somber, even numb.

"And for yours, too, Lord Kuchiki."

He took satisfaction in Byakuya's irritation. Gin knew he had not expected that reply. He even wondered if anyone had truly condoled him for the loss of Princess Yoruichi. If anyone knew what she truly meant to him.

Gin had no time to ponder the young lord's feelings. Squad 10 was next in line and he wanted to see her smile when she congratulated him. She might not have been able to show her excitement in entirety out in public, but he knew her smile would be enough for now.

"Congratulations, Gin."

"Thank you, Lieutenant Shiba." He'd always liked Isshin. Unlike the other 4 clans, the Shibas were more down to earth, less snob-like. Gin surmised it was due to their status as a fallen clan, although they were still revered throughout the Soul Society.

"Will you and your squad be joining us for the reception later?"

"Most of us will be, yeah!" Gin could tell the lieutenant was already a bit drunk. "I had some paperwork to finish so I put my 3rd and 5th seats on desk duty for the night, plus some other unseated officers are out scouring Inuzuri right now. But you'll have all the party people there!"

Gin scowled.

3rd seat.

3rd seat Rangiku Matsumoto.

She had missed the ceremony.

He'd felt something was wrong but did not look out for her during the proceedings in case Aizen noticed.

How the fuck did she get stuck with paperwork?!

He quickly regained his composure and addressed the captain that stood before him.

"I'm sure we will all enjoy ourselves, lieutenant Shiba. I will see you soon."

In fact, he was only waiting to greet the other squad captains before he made his departure. Aizen would understand and not ask questions. Gin wasn't very much for work parties anyways.

The sound of her foot tapping against the floor tiles resounded through the apartment.

She knew he would be angry. And she knew he would come here to look for her. She also knew that she could avoid an argument by not coming home at all, for Gin would never jeopardize revealing the true nature of their relationship by reaming her out at the Squad 10 barracks.

It was her fault really. She'd wanted to wear both the scarf and the necklace he'd given to her at the ceremony. Since she always left the scarf in her office desk, she'd gone to retrieve it and ran into her lazy, paperwork-avoiding captain and was confined to desk duty for the remainder of the day. Lieutenant Shiba had assured her these sorts off ceremonies were a bore anyways, albeit while taking a large gulp of sake.

If only that were the point.

Now, sitting on the sofa and staring at the entrance to "their" home, Rangiku thought of the many ways she could apologize to her friend. Somehow, she knew that she was more disappointed in herself than he would be of her, if he even cared at all. The Gin she knew was not much for fanfare.

Still, she owed him an apology.

"Stop with the fucking leg already."

Ran jumped as she turned around to face Gin, who'd appeared out of nowhere.

"How did you-?"

"You left a window open. I've been watching you shake your leg for the past fucking 30 minutes and it's giving me a headache."

"Gin, I'm sorry, I-"

"I don't want an apology," he ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "I want to know why of all days, you suddenly got stuck of fucking desk duty."

"Look, Gin. I went to get something I left at the barracks and Shiba caught me just as I was leaving, that bastard! I tried to finish early but if I knew that it was going to be such a big deal…"

Gin's spiritual pressure flared and knocked over the coffee table before he had time to speak.

"After everything I've been through you can't take 5 minutes out of your day to congratulate me? Are you too good for that? Or is it not that big of a deal?!"

"Gin, that's not what I meant."

"I took you in, I made sure you ate, I worked my ass off to make sure you had a roof over your head and clothes on your back!" his voice was a hiss. "It's not about it being a big deal, it's about respect! And you will respect me in my own house!"

He remembered the last time they'd had a fight, in his house in the country. She'd been so angry she'd even slammed the door on him. Now that she was a soul reaper, he half expected her to unsheathe Haineko with the fiery temper he'd grown accustomed to.

He was not prepared, however, for the uncontrollable sobbing and incoherent apologies she started spewing out. She was a red and splotchy mess.

And Gin has no tolerance for it.

"You're pathetic." He left the same way he entered, leaving the damage his words had done to her behind.

Pathetic.

It was a word she heard all too often as a prisoner in her own home. Although she knew he was angry and he didn't mean it, hearing the man she loved use it was crippling. He'd left about 3 hours ago, probably to go to a bar and get drunk out of his mind, yet she was still in the same place. She stopped crying only because there were no more tears left. Still she felt wretched, unworthy.

"Pathetic." She said aloud.

"I shouldn't have said that, Ran-chan. I'm a complete fucking asshole."

She stayed silent, afraid that the next words she could say would trigger another outburst from him.

"Please, Ran. Say something."

"Like what? I don't know what to say."

"How bout," hiccup. "Saying what I have to… have to do to make up for my bad behaviour?" the slight high pitch in his voiced confirmed for her what she'd already known.

"Nothing, Gin. It's fine."

He walked over to the sofa and sat down next to her, placing her head on his lap.

"Come on, Ran-chan! There's nothing you want from me?"

"That's the problem, Gin. I want too much from you. Too much I can't have." Her voice was hoarse.

He patted her hair, running his fingers through it. They were always this close. Throughout their years together, he had been her mentor, her protector, her friend. But now, as she lay with her head in his lap, Gin knew the relationship he had with her now was infinitely different.

"Ran, you can have all of me. You've just never asked for it."

She sat up at his words and Gin thought he'd made a terrible mistake. Maybe he'd taken for granted that she'd always care for him the way he was starting to care for her. The way he was starting to feel when he caught her flirting with other officers. She perched on the arm of the sofa.

"I know you already know that I want you, Gin."

"Then I'm yours."

"But, I don't want you like this." Her voice was barely audible over the buzzing in his head.

I would change for you if I could, Ran-chan.

"What if," hiccup. "This is the only way you can have me?" He approached her side, still inebriated but sobering up. Maybe, she thought, he needed liquid courage to have this conversation.

"What if, Ran-chan, I decided I want you too?" he put the pad of his thumb to the pulse at the base of her throat.

Her lips quivered, and a tear rolled down her face.

Am I really considering this?

Until now, she had never realized desperation in her heart. It was not enough to be his closest friend – probably the only one at that. She'd felt this insatiable need to be wanted by him, to belong to him.

"Gin, I – I can't. I just can't."

He could see her trembling and felt the spike in her spiritual pressure. She was afraid. He'd forgotten the time she'd spent captive with those good for nothing creeps that called themselves soul reapers. The taste of his favourite sake soured on his tongue.

"Look at me."

She'd turned her face away from him, afraid to look afraid. Afraid that he might think of her as that weak and pathetic little girl that came running to him at the bar that night. He grabbed her face between his hands and turned it to face him.

"Ran, look at me. Please," she hesitated before looking at him dead-on, eyes widening as she saw the sky blue of his own.

"I'm all kinds of fucked up, but I could never hurt you. I would never hurt you. I've always tried to protect you. You know that, right?"

Rangiku bit her lip in an attempt to stop the tears. "There's something you're not telling me, Gin. I can feel it."

He swallowed hard. How could he tell her everything? How could he tell her he was a monster? That his promotion was a sham? That Aizen had a plan that would rock the very foundation of the Soul Society?

The truth was that he couldn't tell her. But he couldn't tell her a lie either.

"All I can tell you is that my number one priority has been and always will be to protect you. I hope that's enough."

"I don't need your protection anymore, Gin. I'm a Soul Reaper just like you now. And if you let me in, I can help you. Don't you want my help?"

He nodded in response and dropped his hands from her face and into her hands resting at her side. He had no idea how to tell her in what way he needed her help – needed her in that moment, so he led her by the hand into the bedroom, hoping that would be enough of an explanation.

She didn't expect for anything to feel different. After all, the process was the same. But as he lay her down on the bed and slid himself inside of her, she felt an overwhelming numbness. Her emotions were such a clusterfuck that she couldn't find comfort or pleasure in the little things he did to calm her down.

Gin was being the gentlest he'd been with any woman, despite being drunk and despite his body's desire to be aggressive. But Rangiku remained rigid underneath him despite the kisses he trailed down her neck and her hands he clasped in his own as they rocked together.

"Ran-chan, please trust this. No matter how angry or distant I get from you, trust that I will never hurt you." He paused a moment at her ear before bringing his lips to hers and kissing her, in earnest, for the first time in their lives. His body heat rose and he was almost at his release as she'd kissed back. He could feel her body loosen and mold its tenderness against the rigidness of his own. But it went just as quickly as it came. Ran broke off from his kiss and her body language became even more austere.

She did not trust this. She did not trust him.

Suddenly, he realized that he'd misjudged what she was afraid of.

She, of all people, could not take him at his word.

He only stopped their rhythm for a moment to process this before continuing at a more hurried pace. He did not want to prolong this embarrassing experience. It had taken him nearly 3 bottles of sake to have to courage to say the things that he said, and it still wasn't enough. Gin had been cut and bruised before, but the sting of this rejection was unbearable.

He felt the familiar high before he fell into the spasms of release, clutching tighter to Ran's hands momentarily before quickly letting go altogether.

Minutes later, he was already in the streets of the Sereitei returning to Squad 5 barracks. He couldn't remember getting out of bed, much less getting dressed and leaving the apartment. He couldn't even remember if he'd exchanged any words with Ran before he'd walked out. All he hoped was for the snowflakes melting on his skin and the wind stinging his eyes to wash out the memory of making love to her.