Inspired by Pink's song with the same title.
Encouragement and support as always from Debbie.
Just give me a reason.
He put the phone down quickly, placing it on the seat next to him. Pulling out the ear piece. Her call had upset him once again. Unexpectedly so. He honestly was surprised at just how much he was pained by it all. How much it hurt. He knew, finally, that he was now losing more than just a set of chest of drawers.
He was losing everything.
He had thought he had this all sorted in his head, and yet her phone call yesterday, and then again tonight, as he was driving back from the field hospital, threw him into complete and utter confusion.
He'd been over to see Lane, to drop of some vaccines, and felt briefly, just for a moment, a degree of peace with her, but it was only for a moment. Too soon his thoughts had turned back to Molly. To the ache in his chest which had suddenly returned, the one he always used to feel whenever he was away from her.
This isn't what he wanted. He knew things weren't right; he was unsure at times who he was, or what he actually did want; but this was not it… finally he was certain of that.
Right from the very start Molly had been the one who had unexpectedly stolen his heart. An unexpected, but welcomed thief, who had held all his happiness. The one who had shown him that things could be so different to the life he had so far lived. The one that had made every day a pleasure to be shared with her.
That was until Elvis.
Until all these thoughts, and fears, and doubts started to cloud Charles' mind. And their lives together. That was where the end had unexpectedly started. Unexpectedly because he never thought she'd give up on them. On him.
Whatever their problems had been in the past, she was the one who had always fixed them. Whatever the issues they had come across in their lives, it was Molly who sorted it for them. A happy, but complete, reversal of the roles they had when they had first started their relationship all those years ago. She was the strong one, the fighter, and so she was the one for him. Charles simply needed Molly.
Yet their telephone conversation yesterday cut him free from that. From her. From them.
She told him that he didn't need her, she didn't need him, and the pain he had brought into her life, and she did not believe that it was worth it any more.
That they needed to put their marriage out of the misery it had become. To stop their suffering.
Her choice words surprised him. Woke him up, brought him to his senses. Things had not been good lately but he never felt it was a misery to still be married, not to him at least. Hard but bearable, that was all. Miserable was too strong an emotion to attached to their lives together.
Yet those were the words she had used, and now once hearing them he felt as though she was slipping away from him. For good. Of that he was certain.
Their nights over the last many many months had been broken, cold ones. Neither of them had slept well since his return back, since the day he had told her about Elvis' death.
Both of them haunted with fears, with a loss that just would not go away.
She was talking in her sleep more than she ever used too. A gap had suddenly appeared between them within their bed. A previously unknown distance surfaced. She had started to call out in her sleep too. Unsure what she said he never mentioned or challenged her about it. Too scared to hear what her unconscious thoughts were.
He had in the beginning tried to give her space. Left her to open up to him if she needed to, but she hadn't. And so now she was telling him that they needed to end this. Whatever this, now, finally was.
He knew they weren't right. He'd known he wasn't right. Hadn't been for a long time. He knew he'd even thought briefly all could only be right if he took Elvis' place on the world, yet he didn't. Couldn't. That wasn't who he was, what he was. What he wanted to be anymore. He knew that now. Hell he even knew that she wasn't right, but he hadn't thought of ending it. Never. Not even in his darkest most painful moments. He thought he'd have it all, and he thought he'd have her forever.
This end though was just as much his fault though, and just as much hers. Wasn't it? He was unsure. Questioning everything when all he wanted was to understand. They were bent though surely, not irrevocably broken. He knew that things weren't right, yet he had done little about it. Had done nothing to fix the faults he knew were there, and so because he did nothing eventually Molly snapped.
That was what he wanted she had said down the phone line. She said anyone who knew them could see that. He wanted something else. This was of course what he hoped for. Wasn't it? His distance from her, his inability to care meant that it was inevitable. He had put no effort in and he had forced her into making this decision. To draw that conclusion.
As so now she had done just that. Now she had done what he couldn't do. Now she had made the decision, and once she had he soon realised that was not what he wanted anymore.
He did not want them to end like this.
He wouldn't accept that they were broken anymore.
He needed a reason why everything had gone so wrong, and in the soul searching hours since her first call he did not feel as though he'd had found one, or understood one.
He knew that they were far from perfect anymore, that he certainly wasn't who he used to be. His mind at times was too full to give her anything, yet her knew that this couldn't just be it. This was Molly and Charles for God's sake. They had fought and struggled through far more than this. The initial prejudices against their relationship. The difficulties in making themselves a family that Sam would be comfortable with. Their start was hard, but they had made it work, because they loved each other. He refused to accept that they couldn't do that again. That despite all he had said, and she hadn't, that their love had gone.
They weren't broken, he'd never admit that. Admittedly they were bent. Very bent, almost unrecognisable, more out of shape that he thought they ever could become. More twisted than he could imagine that their love would allowed, but they would bend with the strain. Sure they wouldn't break? They hadn't.
Yet her calls to him last night showed that she saw things differently. Her decision showed that they weren't bent, but truly broken, and so he needed a reason why.
If it was what she wanted. If she really didn't love him anymore then of course he would walk away. He would give her all the freedom that she said she wanted. But if there was no reason, if she couldn't explain why, he wasn't going to let it go. He wasn't going to allow this to happen to them. They were worth fighting for.
He was surprised that she answered the telephone shortly after it connected. He was surprised that she was still taking his calls. He would have appreciate it if she had decided she hadn't wanted to speak to him again after his monosyllabic responses to her calls over the past few days. He knew he had been pushing her away. Yet he also felt that she had been pushing him away too.
He didn't even allow her the courtesy of saying hello as soon as she answered. He just launched into the words he needed to say.
"I'm sorry I don't know where this is coming from? Why now; why so suddenly?" Hearing his tone he knew he was sounding harsh and desperate. "What happened Molly? Why now?"
He expected her to scoff at his question. He expected her to be anything but silent. He didn't however think that she would have an answer so easily, so quickly, yet she did.
He could tell that once she started it was like a dam bursting. Like she had been waiting for this question from him forever. That these were words she needed to say but just never had the courage, strength, or opportunity before.
"It's you. You talk in your sleep. Every night. You dream about her. You dream about him. Since you came back from the jungle. You've never had one good night's sleep. All you do is toss and turn and move further and further away from me." She sighed, and paused to take a steadying breath. The tsunami of emotions threatened to overtake her. "It's not me you want any more Charles; it's her."
The accusation stilled him. Unsure whether or not he completely understood what she was saying. She was accusing him of being the one that was pulling away. Accusing him of being the one who wanted something other than them.
"Georgie? You're talking about Georgie?" He felt the guilt gnaw in his gut. Knowing for a brief moment in the past she might have been right. He'd put that down to his temporary madness though.
Molly just snorted.
"Yes. Georgie."
"I talk about her in my sleep?" This amazed him. He thought he'd banished that side of him.
During his waking hours he knew he had this incredible ability to want to protect Georgie still. Wanted to be the one to save her, to stop her getting hurt. Wanted to be the one that was wanted by someone again. He knew that was because in his heart he felt that Molly was the one pushing him away, and blamed him for Elvis' death. Somebody that she had loved. He hated looking into her eyes and seeing the sadness. At times he couldn't bear it, knowing he was the one who had caused it.
At least with Georgie there seem to be some denial, some resistance to the truth, some ability to block out the awful events and he liked that. She never looked at him as though he was to blame. He liked the fact that there was no blame, there was no anger, there was no discussion about it with her, and life went on. So yes maybe he did think about Georgie more than he should have, but that was only because she made him feel everything that had happened was not real, and reality was a bitch and something he did not feel he could face. She was his escape. A game of pretend he played with himself. But his feelings for her were not real.
"I hear you every night. Crying out." He said. Countering her statement. "I move over to try to find you. To try to pull you into my arms. But you're not there. You've gone. The bed is cold and empty. Every night you've gone."
She bit back. Her tone angry.
"I leave because you're talking in your sleep. It's a bit hard for woman to lie next to a man who is shouting out another woman's name in his sleep."
"I didn't know." He said apologetically. "Molly I didn't know."
"Yeah? Well now you do. Now you know why all those nights you wake up alone. How I wake each morning, alone, knowing you love her and not me."
"Molly!" He said with pain.
"Well I've done it. I've ended your misery. Given you the green card haven't I? Now you can go off to her." Her voice broke slightly, just about holding it together. "Shit for all I know you've probably already have done the dirty with her."
"I haven't… I wouldn't…." He began.
"Save it. I don't want to know Charles. It's over, it's finished. We've made a decision. What we had is ended."
"No." He shouted out loudly and slammed his hand against the steering wheel. Realising he was coming very close to the camp and this conversation would potentially be overheard by many. He needed this to be sorted out. He didn't want there to be shouting, he didn't want there to be misunderstanding, he wanted there to be resolution.
Pulling over the jeep from the bumpy track, stopping the engine he said more softly.
"Please Molly no."
"No?" She asked. "No what? No you don't want her? No you don't want me?"
"Do you still love me?" He needed to know that before he knew anything else. "You never want to be around me. You pull away at the first moment you can. We just seem to be going through the motions."
She laughed loudly. Not quite believing they had got to this point. Less than 24 hours ago she had telephoned to say that she thought they should put their marriage out of its misery, and he'd easily agreed. Less than an hour ago she been on the telephone to him talking about dividing their chattels, and he'd accepted it as easily as before. Yet now he was putting up resistance.
Questioning her, questioning them.
Now suddenly he was fighting for them. Surely a man in love with another woman wouldn't do that? The question he asked though wasn't a simple one. It wasn't that Molly had stopped loving Charles, the question in her mind was had he stopped loving her?
For so many months he'd seemed distant, not wanting to be involved in their lives together. Rushing out of the door at the first opportunity. Taking on long weekend's duty, extra training sessions, anything he could do rather than to be at home with her. Even their life with Sam had suffered.
Their marriage had suffered. She saw that she had given everything, thought that she had given everything. Yet now she doubted on hearing those words. Hearing his question. Hearing the doubt in his voice made her question maybe there was more of her still to give.
"Of course I still love you." He needed to hear her truth at the very least. "I never stopped. But I don't think that's enough. It wasn't just me. It was you. It's hard to put yourself out there for somebody who you don't think returns their love." She exclaimed.
"I know. That's how I feel. I hurt you. I fucked up." He choked the words out. Tears flowed down his face, something that hadn't happened for a very long time. He had thought he could no longer cry. "You were so sad after Elvis. I let you down. I broke your heart. I thought you'd lost all your love for me."
"Bleeding hell Charlie." She burst out, using Elvis' favourite moniker for her husband. "It was you who had stopped loving me. I never was good enough for you. I see that now."
"Fucks sake Molly are we back to this again!" He was beyond control. "I don't love Georgie . It's not her. It's you. I want to mend us. I want us to be where we were."
"Well you could have fooled me." She said. "I've given you plenty of opportunities I've asked you so many times to open up. To talk, but you never have. Instead you've always run."
"When? When have I ran? I've been trying to prove myself, that's what I've done, I haven't ran Molly." He calmed himself down. "I've tried to be the man that you fell in love with. The soldier I once was. If I've been spending more time away from home it's because that's what I was trying to do, and hoping that maybe, just maybe people would looked at me like they used to. Like you used to." He added softly.
She went silent. Startled by his words.
"I know you hate me Molly." He said. "You say you love me, but I know you don't. I can see it in your eyes every time I look at you. The sadness, the hate, the disgust. You blame me." He swallowed deeply also aware how close he was to messing this all up. "I know I took away your best friend. Shit he was my best mate too. And I'd do anything, absolutely anything, to bring him back. But I can't."
Quietly ever so quietly she replied.
"I don't hate you. I don't blame you. I never have."
"I thought you did!" That was his only reply. The surprise in his voice evident.
He sat in the jeep listening to the Cicadas around him, the darkness of the night drinking him in as he reflected about how he had behaved. Appreciating for the first time how he had cut her off, out of his life to an extent because of his own guilt.
"I asked you yesterday on the phone if there's anything that we could do to save our marriage!" She said quietly. "And you said nothing. I took it from that you thought we were completely broken."
"Not broken!" He said definitely. "Very bent maybe, but not broken." He knew he needed to take this biggest leap of faith. "I don't want to lose you Molly. I love you. Only you. There never has been, and there never will be any one quite like you. Nobody who I will love with as much of my heart as I love you."
Silence ensued. A longer silence than he had ever endured.
"Ditto." Finally was all she said.
"So do you still want this marriage to end? For it to stop?" He asked.
"No."
"I don't either. We can learn to love again Molly. Learn trust each other, just like we used to." He said. It wasn't a question it was a statement.
"Yes."
"I'm coming home!" He said suddenly. "I can't do this anymore…pretend. It's not just us that's broken. It's me too. I need some time away. I need some help." The easing of the weight upon his admission spurred him on. "I'm coming home….early. I'm coming home to you." There was silence on the other line he thought he could now hear tears and sobs. Yet she didn't speak.
"Will you be there when I come home?" He asked.
"Too bloody right I will." She chuckled out.
"I love you Molly James."
"I love you too Charles James."
"You stopped saying that to me. It's so good to hear you say it to me again." He sighed out. Happy for the first time in such a long time.
"I never stopped saying it Charles." Molly said sadly. "You just stopped hearing me."
"Thank you." He said. "Thank you for giving us another try. For giving me another chance."
"Don't really have much choice in the matter do I?" She said trying to be cocky. "I kind of love you, you silly bugger. But you do need help Charles… and maybe I do too."
"Do you know what I miss the most?" He asked her. "Laughing. Smiling. We used to do that all they time. Remember that Molly?"
"Yeah I remember." She said sadly. "But we stopped. You stopped. So I did."
"We used to laugh at everything. Always saw the funny side, didn't we?" He chuckled half-heartedly.
"Yeah. We were a good team." She admitted.
"Together. Molly we will do this together. And whatever happens just remember it's you I love, no one else just you."
"I know that now." She said, and she really did. "But I'm scared." She admitted. "You really hurt me."
"I'm scared too Molly. But I'm more scared of a life without you. I couldn't face that. Ever. I love and need you in my life do much."
"And it's you I need. I love you too."
"I'm coming home Molly. I'm coming back to you." And he knew that there was no other truth in the world but that. That was his reason.