The Problem with Perfection

by DracoMalfoy456

Perfection is not an option. It is a requirement. At least… that's what Kiyotaka Ishimaru has always been taught, from the time he was old enough to be taught anything. (Ishimondo)

16. A Sunset Ride

CW: A mild element of what I believe might be considered unreality. I am uncertain of what unreality fully entails, but I figured I'd warn for it just to be safe. Feel free to message me if this is a concern for you and I will go further into detail.

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Hey all! Sorry for not posting earlier, I found an old WIP of mine for Drarry (Harry and Draco, from Harry Potter) and was upset when I got to end, realizing that if I wanted more, I'd have to write it. -.- So inconvenient.

Anyway! This chapter is a big one! And it happens to be my favorite, I think! A lot happens and I like how I wrote it, for the most part. I will warn everyone that I have never ridden a motorcycle and have no idea what I'm talking about with all of that, other than what I could look up online. Most of what I mention for the emotion is based on what I have felt when on rollercoasters mimicking the feel of being on a motorcycle, so... yeah, ha.

Also! I posted the IshiMondo Hogwarts AU! It's called Light up the Night, and you can find it on my profile, or by clicking the link above. It was what reminded me of the Drarry story, ha.

Enjoy!

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Taka stares at the glistening vehicle before him, the amount of time and care that has gone into it very apparent, even to someone with as little knowledge of motorcycles as he. He can see the dedication that has been put into this vehicle, the time and effort and— quite honestly— love that the teen beside him has shown this shining beauty that even he can appreciate.

As he looks at it, seeing this dedication and effort and love... any possible fear he might have felt melts away like snow. And when he hears a worried voice, muttered close to his ear, he can't help but smile.

"Y'okay, kyoudai? We ain't gotta ride today, if ya don't wanna... I, uh, really don't mind. I don't want ya ta feel uncomfortable or anything..."

Taka turns— newly obtained helmet in his hands— and grins at the worried biker, the teen more concerned with him and his comfort than his own desire to take him out for a ride. And Taka...

(Taka feels an overwhelming rush of absolute love fill him.)

"You have no need to worry, my kyoudai! I am not uncomfortable at all! I trust you above all else, and I am actually looking forward to our ride!" Taka exclaims, eyes crinkling with his smile at the look of joy that overtakes Mondo's face. The biker lets out a laugh, reaching out a hand to gently touch Taka's side.

"Really?! Shit, man, awesome! Hell fuckin' yeah! Alright, man, let's head out, okay? I wanna show ya somethin' an' I'm hopin' we can get there in time. Ya need any help with yer helmet?"

Taka nods sheepishly, the helmet in his hands foreign to him. He'd never owned a bicycle growing up, so he's never worn a bicycle helmet, let alone the large contraption he's currently holding. It looks like it will cover his entire head, with a clear plexiglass window over where he assumes his face will go. He isn't entirely sure how it will even work, so he gladly hands it back to Mondo, the biker chuckling as he opens it and gently places it on Taka's head. The helmet covers his ears and muffles things a little, but he's still able to hear what Mondo says. Well enough, at least...

"Heh, here ya go, kyoudai. Y'ain't gonna get the whole experience with this shit on, the wind not gonna go through yer hair like it should, but eh. Whatever. If it makes ya feel safe an' shit," Mondo claims, rolling his eyes as he buckles something under his chin. Taka glares back, some of his anxiety returning as he huffs lightly.

"It is not just to feel safe; it is to be safe! You should be wearing a helmet too, kyoudai! It is unsafe not to!"

Taka doesn't quell at Mondo's glare, just stares firmly back. Eventually, Mondo rolls his eyes, firmly (a little too firmly...) pushing the plexiglass window part down, effectively preventing Taka from continuing the conversation even if he wanted. He does continue to glare, though, scowl firm on his lips as Mondo keeps on talking. The words are even more muffled now, but he is able to make it out... barely.

"Ah, shut the fuck up! Ain't like I need shit like that. I've been ridin' since I was a kid, shit. Don't need a fuckin' helmet. 'Sides. It would mess with the pomp. An' I ain't fuckin' doin' that, not even fer yer peace a' mind. I'll get ya a helmet, but don't expect me ta wear one. Got it?"

Taka keeps on glaring, his arms crossing to show his displeasure. But, unfortunately for him, Mondo is just as stubborn as he is, and so the biker just glares right on back.

After a few tense moments, Taka lets out a heavy sigh and rolls his eyes, the tension draining from him as he drops his hands. He can't help the spark of fear that settles in him at the thought of Mondo on the road without a helmet to protect him should something happen, but... well. He does know that the teen has been riding for years. And while that doesn't preclude any future accidents, he supposes this is one fight that he won't be able to win. Not today, at least.

"Alright, kyoudai! But please be careful! Please..."

He isn't sure how well Mondo can hear him through the helmet, but he thinks he can hear him at least somewhat, as he watches the biker's face soften, a tender smile rising on his lips. Mondo then wraps an arm around Taka, pulling him into a quick side hug.

"Heh. Y'ain't gotta worry 'bout me, kyoudai. I know what I'm doin', alright? I ain't exactly itchin' ta meet my maker, I'll have ya know. I'm careful when I drive. I make sure ta be. Don't- shit. Don't wanna ruin my hog, heh..." Mondo claims, before trailing off, a look Taka can't fully decipher rising on the biker's face. Does he... is he... sad? But... why?

Taka doesn't get a chance to ask (probably a good thing, considering it would just upset the biker more if he was questioned about it), before Mondo pulls away and strides over to the bike, throwing one leg over the side as naturally as if he were sitting in a chair. And seeing Mondo on the ride, the teen fully relaxing as he settles in, more at ease than Taka has ever seen him... well. He's certainly glad he decided to come today.

(God, he's so beautiful...)

"Well? Ya comin'?" Mondo calls, looking at Taka with a raised eyebrow.

Spurned into action, Taka nods and walks carefully over to the bike (he knows Mondo calls it a hog, but he... isn't quite a fan of that terminology, to be honest), eyeing it critically. Hm... how to go about this...

"Just fuckin' throw a leg around it, shit, Taka. Ain't fuckin' rocket science," Mondo snorts, rolling his eyes, smirking at Taka. Taka scowls, cheeks flushing.

"I know that! There's just not much space for me to sit!" he replies lowly, only for Mondo to look at him blankly, before the teen reaches forward and lifts the faceplate up, so that Taka can actually be heard. Huffing out a sigh, Taka repeats himself, exasperation filling him. He hadn't realized this whole affair would be so complicated...!

"Fuck, 'course there ain't much space, it's made fer one person. Yer gonna hafta sit close ta me, duh. I've had people on my hog 'fore, people bigger than you, an' it ain't a hassle. Should be fine, Taka. Just get the fuck on..."

Taka bites his lip at the words. A-ah... sit close... to Mondo? W-well... it's not like he hadn't expected that! He does, logically, know what motorcycles look like and had known there wouldn't be much space. Still... he supposes he hadn't quite realized just how close he was going to have to be to the other teen... hm...

Well. Nothing for it, right? He'd already given his word he'd do this. And he never goes back on his word! That's a Kiyotaka Ishimaru guarantee!

With only slightly shaking legs, Taka looks back to the bike and tries to do what Mondo had done and swing his leg over. However, even though Mondo had made it look so natural, Taka just manages to almost make himself fall over, letting out a soft yelp as he steadies himself. He hears Mondo let out a snort before a steady stream of chuckles follow. Taka scowls at the sound, cheeks red, shoulders going tense at the teasing laughter. Well... it's not like the biker has to be so rude about it...

"Heh, c'mon Taka. Just hold onta me as ya swing yer leg over. Don't worry 'bout kickin' me, I've had worse. Just relax. Yer thinkin' 'bout it too much. Psychin' yerself out. Ya got this, kyoudai, slowly now," Mondo mutters, a gentle smile on his face once his chuckles subside. The biker scoots a bit forward on the bike too, so he's pressed against the handlebar, giving Taka more space to climb onto. Biting his lip again, Taka gives it another try, holding onto Mondo's shoulder to keep himself steady as he tries to swing his leg over.

And, with the extra stability, he manages to successfully get onto the bike. Sadly, with his excitement at actually getting his leg over the bike, he fumbles at the last moment and slams into Mondo's back, making the biker grunt lowly.

"Oh! Are you alright, kyoudai?!" Taka cries, scooting back to give Mondo some more space. Mondo adjusts himself as he does, pressing back a little, looking over his shoulder at Taka.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Like I said, had worse. Now, wrap yer arms 'round my waist. Yer gonna wanna hold on tight, got it? Don't want ya ta fall off or anythin'... just hold tight ta me an' ya should be fine."

Well, that's a bit disconcerting... but it's okay. He trusts Mondo, after all! Doing what Mondo says, Taka wraps his arms around Mondo's waist, but he keeps the hold a bit loose, a bit embarrassed to do anything more than that. He both hears and feels Mondo snort, before he feels the biker grab his arms and pull them tighter around himself, until Taka is flush against him, practically every inch touching. A-ah! That's- that's very close!

"The fuck did I just say? Gotta hold tight, bro. Ain't time ta be feelin' embarrassed or shit. While I know how ta handle this thing, it ain't like it's a walk in the fuckin' park. Ya gotta do certain things or else things can turn real ugly, real quick. Trust me, kyoudai, I know what I'm doin'. Now, put yer legs like I am, okay? Might feel a bit weird at first, but it'll feel better when we start movin'."

He can feel Mondo move his legs and Taka, after a moment, does the same. The biker was right, it does feel strange, but... well, he trusts it when Mondo says it will feel better later.

Now that he's finally on the bike, Taka begins looking around, frowning when he notices something major seems to be missing.

"Ah, kyoudai?" he asks, frown rising on his lips as his anxiety starts to mount again. At Mondo's grunt, Taka continues. "Where... um. W-where's the seatbelt?"

Silence descends around them for several seconds, before Mondo bursts into laughter again, the bike actually shaking with the force. Well! He'd thought it was a very important question!

"Please tell me yer shittin' me," Mondo snickers, looking over his shoulder again. At Taka's stony silence, the biker sighs, shaking his head fondly. "Ya truly know fuck all 'bout hogs, don't ya... goddamn. Motorcycles ain't got seatbelts, kyoudai. It's less safe ta have 'em, actu'ly. In a car, belts keep ya from bein' thrown through the window, keepin' ya in the relatively safe body. But a motorcycle? Ya get inta a crash, ya actu'ly wanna be thrown from the hog, or else ya run the risk a' bein' crushed under its weight. Trust me, y'ain't want that ta happen. Seen it a couple a' time an', uh... ain't fuckin' pretty. With that jacket an' yer helmet, not ta mention the fuckin' knee pads ya got on under yer uniform, ya should be pretty safe if anythin' happens. Which it fuckin' won't, ain't a goddamn fuckin' novice at this shit, fuck. S'long as ya hold tight ta me, an' move with me when I turn an' shit, ya'll be perfectly safe. An' that's a man's promise, Kiyo. Got it?"

Hmmm... well, that is very disconcerting to hear... he's always known that motorcycles are dangerous things, his father very adverse and disparaging of them whenever he would bring up the gang problems the department is facing. It's why he'd initially turned Mondo's offer down, even though he'd hated seeing how disappointed the teen got.

However... well. He knows that Mondo knows what he's doing. He's clearly knowledgeable about the subject, and if he says that Taka will be safe... well. Then Taka believes him. After all...

He trusts Mondo with his life.

Sighing softly, Taka nods against Mondo's back. He can't say anymore, his stomach tied up in too many knots to even hope to get anything coherent out, so he just reaches up to slowly lower the faceplate, the world going a lot more muffled around him as he does.

Holding on as tight as he can to the teen in front of him, he tries to calm his nerves when he feels Mondo turn the key to the bike, the vibration under his legs a strange but not exactly unpleasant experience. The bike is very loud, though, the muffler either not working or (and he figures this is the case) simply not there. As such, when mixed with the muffling quality of his helmet and the way his heart is beating in his ears, he can't begin to make out whatever it is that Mondo says to him, though he knows the teen is talking, mostly by the way his back is moving. He figures it out a second later, though, when Mondo 'revs' the engine and then-

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Taka cannot help the loud scream he lets out as the bike moves, his arms instinctively tightening as tight as they can go, his front pressing to Mondo's back so firmly that he's not honestly sure where he ends and where Mondo begins. He's wearing the leather jacket Mondo had gotten him overtop his uniform, but he can still feel the chill early November air as it attacks his every nerve, so cold it makes his hands go numb in less than five seconds. He's clinging desperately to Mondo, wishing he could bury his face in the biker's back and obtain comfort that way, but the helmet gets in the way of it. For the first time, Taka actually wishes he hadn't insisted on the thing...

Despite his absolute terror, Taka can hear as Mondo lets out a loud whoop of excitement, the teen peeling out of Hope's Peak's parking lot, his laughter clear even over the sound of wind, and motorcycle, and other traffic. It actually helps to make Taka relax... a little...

Eventually, they roll to a stop, the biker waiting for the stop light like everyone else. Mondo takes that time to look over his shoulder at Taka, shouting so he can hear him over the noisy bike.

"Kyoudai! Are ya doin' okay?!" Mondo shouts, the words making it through the helmet just barely.

Taka— who is still clinging to Mondo for dear life— honestly doesn't know how to answer. Is he okay? Well... he's absolutely terrified, a feeling he doesn't ever enjoy. He's never been the type to do risky things, not at all, not ever. He's never even been on a rollercoaster, and not just because he could never hope to afford to go to an amusement park. He'd not gone on any of the rides at the festival, after all, though he would have been able to get on free since he'd helped organize the event. Mondo had even asked him if he wanted to, interested in a couple of the rides, but Taka had firmly refused, and the biker had gone on his own.

To put it frankly, Taka doesn't like to take risks. Not even slightly. And this? This is... this is the biggest risk he has ever taken. With his life, at least. It's honestly truly terrifying, and it makes his stomach churn just to think on it.

And yet...

And yet, now that they have stopped, allowing him to catch his breath and think, he... he realizes that... well. It's not actually as bad as he'd been expecting. It's still terrifying, don't get him wrong! But he doesn't... well. He doesn't feel unsafe. Not when he can feel the overwhelming warmth of Mondo in front of him, pressed so tight they're practically one, almost every inch of him hugged tight to the body before him. With this brief reprieve, he can collect his thoughts and realize that, actually, this isn't... too bad. Maybe he'll take that back once they start moving again, his heart pounding and terror reverberating through his body once more, but for now...

"I AM OKAY! TERRIFIED, BUT OKAY!"

He yells his words, so loud they almost make his head ache again as they bounce around the small helmet, but he knows Mondo hears them when he both hears and feels the biker laugh, his hand moving to grab Taka's briefly, squeezing it gently.

He doesn't have time to do any more than that before the light turns green, forcing them to move again. This time, since Taka is expecting it, he doesn't scream, but his heart does start to pound fiercely as they zoom through the city streets.

When they get to the next stoplight, he hears slash feels Mondo growl, the teen turning back to him again.

"Fuckin' hate this shit! I'm gonna get us ta the highway, got it?! I'll be goin' a lot faster than this, so make sure yer still holdin' on tight! Don't worry, it'll be perfectly safe! I got ya, Kiyo!"

Taka nods slowly against the biker's back again, tightening his hold— somehow— even more. And when they move again, it's still terrifying, but he... he's starting to get used to the sensation, the bike beneath his legs purring beautifully, the foreign sensation turning almost pleasurable, to his mortification. He definitely, ah... definitely understands some of the things Mondo says a lot better now! Even the feeling of the chill air billowing around him is nice, and part of him wishes he weren't wearing all of this gear, so he could feel it properly. As such, he also understands Mondo's aversion to the gear now!

This changes a little when they get to the highway, Mondo not kidding when he said they'd be going a lot faster, his heart nearly pounding out of his chest with absolutely no reprieve, and yet... and yet, after a few minutes of this… the fear dies down enough that the other sensations can make their way back in and he... Taka, he...

He finds that he's actually enjoying himself!

He's always liked to watch as the world sped by when on trains or in cars, but he'd usually not allow himself the luxury of doing such a thing, usually forcing himself to study or read instead, since he thankfully does not get motion sick. It would always make him a little sad, but his studies were of the upmost importance, and he'd never let them slip for anything, not even something meaningless that made him happy.

However, while on the motorcycle, pressed tight to Mondo, there's nothing for him to do but watch the world as it flies by. His eyes eventually adjust to the warp speed they're going at, and he can make out what, exactly, he's seeing. He sees the other cars and vehicles that they pass, the lights blurring and dull in the late afternoon sun. The buildings and houses and factories they pass all blur together, dull and grey and almost lifeless, but still somehow utterly enchanting, and Taka watches, enthralled, as they fly through the city. Perhaps it's not that amazing a sight to anyone else, with every other person used to such a thing, but to Taka... well. To Taka, it's utterly incredible.

Eventually, Mondo takes an exit ramp, and they start to leave the city, the grey and browns melting into a burst of orange and yellow and red, the autumn world coming to life around him. He sees green grass, and some cattle, and billboards he has no hope of reading, and it's so, so much, and part of him wants to cry at how beautiful it all is.

He fully understands why Mondo adores this, now. Any risk of danger is negated when you see the world as it speeds past, chill air on your skin, a rumbling hardness in between your legs, and a glorious, radiating warmth pressed so firmly to your body you can hardly think. Nothing else matters when this is what you can experience. It's different to being in a car, too. Being here, on this motorcycle, pressed tight to the person he loves cares for, wind assaulting him even through his many layers... he's never felt more alive.

He's never felt so euphoric.

Taka doesn't know how long the ride lasts, only that the sun begins to set as they ride on. The autumn world begins to get bathed in even more of an orange glow, the countryside stunning as he watches it zip by, something so utterly enchanting about it all that the feeling of wanting to cry comes up again. And this time, he lets it, the tears of joy and fear and elation mixing as they cascade down his cheeks, made uncomfortable by the fact his face is enclosed in a relatively small helmet. Luckily, the plexiglass does not fog up, and the blur from his tears only makes it more beautiful as it all flies by.

Eventually, while the sun is still in the sky but setting fairly quick, Mondo pulls off the highway and down a small side road, one that almost no one else is driving down. Since they're off the highway, Mondo slows down somewhat, which Taka finds he actually regrets a little, the high speed actually comforting after a while.

Still, the beauty of their surroundings as they drive enchants him even more, a beautiful golden forest whipping by as they fly passed. The paved road makes way for dirt, but Mondo drives on, not caring about the dust they kick up.

Finally, several long minutes later, Mondo starts rolling to a stop, the bike rumbling below them for a few seconds before abruptly shutting off, leaving Taka with the phantom sensation of the vibrations still running through his legs, the silence that surrounds them deafening after the noise of the bike.

Taka doesn't know how much time passes, but eventually he feels Mondo gently touch his hands, which are still clinging tight to the lapels of the biker's duster. He feels as Mondo gently coaxes his grip loose, his left-hand twining with Taka's right one, squeezing it softly.

"Heh. Ya can let go now, kyoudai. We, uh... we're here. As much as I'd like ta let ya take yer time ta recover, we're on a bit of a schedule. Sun's 'bout ta set an' I wanna make sure ya see this. Okay?"

Mondo is talking loud enough that Taka can hear him through the helmet and the blood rushing in his ears, and all Taka can do is nod. It takes him a couple of tries to get his arms to let go of Mondo's chest, as stiff as they are, and takes even longer to force his leg to move to get off the bike. He eventually does, though his legs are shaking so much that as soon as they touch the ground and he tries to put some weight on them, he collapses. He would have fallen to the ground, but suddenly Mondo is there, his arms around his waist, pressing him tight, tight, tight to his firm body and Taka...

Taka clings back, body shaking with the aftereffects of the adrenaline rush he'd just had. He finds that he's having a hard time breathing properly and he lifts his hand to take the helmet off, but his hands shake too much to do it.

Luckily, Mondo seems to notice what he's trying to do, and so the biker adjusts Taka in his hold, holding him upright with one hand while he uses the other to carefully remove the helmet, a feat that is a lot harder to do one handed.

Mondo does eventually do it, though, and he throws the helmet carelessly off to the side as he looks at Taka, concern written all over his face. He can feel a warm hand cup his cheek, wiping the cold tears tracks that he'd forgotten about away, and it makes him shudder.

"Shit, Taka, yer fuckin' cryin'... shit, goddamn it, ya hated that, didn't ya? God fuckin' dammit, a' course ya did, I'm such a fuckin' moron, Jesus, shit! S-shit... uh, don't worry, I'll find a different way fer ya ta get back, ya don't have ta do that again, shit, kyoudai, I'm so fuckin' sorry-"

Taka can't help the (slightly hysterical) laugh that he lets out, shaking his head quickly as he tries to find his voice, wanting— no, needing— to explain, to let Mondo know that he's not afraid, not terrified, not upset, not at all.

His actions shut Mondo up, but it doesn't stop the biker from looking at him with worry, and concern, and regret filling his beautiful lavender eyes. As Taka looks up at him, his own eyes wide and blown and happy, happy, happy, waiting for his voice to return so he can find a way to express that happiness, he can't help the way his heart swells with affection and fondness and love, love, love, everything swirling in him in a haze of colors and sound, so heightened he wants to cry and laugh and scream with it. He feels... so much- he feels... everything.

He feels...

"I- I wasn't- upset. I'm not... opposite, kyoudai. I feel... the opposite," Taka eventually manages to force out, a laugh following the words as he buries his face into Mondo's chest, eyes closed as his body shakes with the force of his laughter. Mondo holds him as he rides through it, his deft fingers coming up and weaving through Taka's hair, holding him tight.

Finally, after another minute or so passes, Taka's heart starts to settle and his breathing returns to normal and he stops shaking so hard he can't stand. He finds his legs and pushes off Mondo, still a little shaky but better. And as he pulls away, he smiles so brightly that he's sure they can see it from space.

"I- I... M-Mondo, ky-kyoudai... I- I... I adored that," he finally is able to breathe, laughter lining his words as he looks up, the sky turning light shades of lavender, making his heart ache as he is reminded of the palest lavender that he absolutely craves to see.

Not wanting to deny himself, he looks back down and laughs again as he sees the wide, happy shock in those eyes, his forehead coming forward to rest against Mondo's, the pompadour not getting in their way too badly. "T-thank you, kyoudai, for making me do that. I-it was terrifying and frightening, and I felt so scared, and I- and I've never felt more alive, and I... I... I understand now. Why you love that. Why you... I understand."

He laughs again, the sound high and rich, and this time Mondo laughs as well, deep and happy, his hand coming up to entangle in Taka's hair again and Taka- Taka-

"Shit... fuck, Taka... Kiyo, fuck, I'm so happy ta hear ya say that... I fuckin' knew ya'd love it, love the feelin', god, damn Kiyo, I..." Mondo breathes, pressing close to Taka again. Taka can feel lips brushing against his, can taste cinnamon on his tongue, and he wants nothing more than to press forward, to claim that beautiful mouth, to explore every inch with his tongue until all he can taste and feel and smell and see and hear is Mondo, Mondo, Mondo, his blood singing with it, his body aching with it, so desperately hard and yearning that he wants to throw all caution to the wind and ignore his logical voice and take and take and take and take and take and take and tak-

He can't help the soft gasp he lets out as Mondo pulls back, eyes liquid silver, and the biker smiles, his hands lowering to Taka's sides, chuckling softly.

"It's a fuckin' rush, ain't it, kyoudai? Gets yer heart pumpin', yer body singin', yer every nerve on fire an' alive. Shit is what I love the most 'bout my baby. Feelin' never quite goes away, no matter how often I get on her. I'm so fuckin' happy ya felt it too, you've got... got no fuckin' idea, shit..."

Mondo trails off, eyes hazy as he thinks about things and Taka can barely take it. His body is still thrumming, and he needs to do something, to move or else he... he's going to...

"Ah, shit, but we ain't got a lotta time... can ya walk, kyoudai? Guess I can carry ya if ya can't, but I really want ya ta see this. Alright, Kiyo?"

Taka takes a deep breath and nods shakily, smiling slightly as he takes a step back from Mondo and manages to stand on his own well enough. Mondo smiles back, looking at him for a moment, drinking him in, before he turns and heads to the bike, unlocking the small storage container on the side and taking out a small basket. Taka had seen the teen carrying it when he'd met Taka at his room at 4:00, Mondo smirking mysteriously and refusing to explain what it was when Taka asked, simply saying that 'ya'll find out later, ya damn impatient bastard.' Taka looks curiously at the basket again, pushing down the rushing emotions (in vain), wondering if it is 'later' yet.

Noticing him staring, Mondo smirks, shaking his head slightly.

"Not yet, ya nerd. Got somewhere ta be first. It'll take us a couple a' minutes ta walk there, but I think we should be able ta make it in time. C'mon, let's hurry. I'd hate fer ya ta miss this shit."

Mondo jerks his head to the side, then, gesturing for Taka to follow him. Taka, helpless to ever deny the biker a single, solitary thing, follows quickly along, setting pace with Mondo, though it's harder with how his legs still want to shake. The vibration from the bike is still reverberating through his limbs and it makes him tingle all over.

(He's also still so painfully hard, his trousers so uncomfortably tight that he has to shift to adjust them quite a few times as they walk, glad that Mondo is ahead of him and can't see his unfortunate predicament.)

Finally, after walking for several minutes, Mondo halts abruptly, almost making Taka bump into him. Giving the biker a questioning look, he watches as Mondo turns to face him, an almost hesitant expression upon his face.

"Hey, Kiyo... do you... do you trust me?" Mondo questions softly, his eyes boring into Taka's.

Taka blinks at the question, and without a moment of hesitation replies, "yes, of course, kyoudai! With my life!"

The reply makes Mondo beam, a happy glow radiating from him as he laughs, the hand not holding the basket rising to rub at his neck, indicating nerves. What it is that is making the biker nervous, though, Taka has no idea.

"Heh, shit, I... shit. Then. Um. I want ya ta close yer eyes. I want this ta be a surprise. I won't let ya get hurt. I promise."

Taka smiles brightly at the sweet words, replying by closing his eyes immediately, causing Mondo to let out a breathy laugh. He shudders when he feels a warm hand grab his own, chilled one, their fingers twining as Mondo starts tugging him along.

Taka follows along willingly and easily, his trust in Mondo so profound it almost scares him. To think, just yesterday, he'd almost thrown all of this away, and now... now he's here, blindly following Mondo, the teen possibly leading him anywhere, and he's not even slightly afraid. He... he trusts Mondo, more than he's ever trusted another human being. They've only really been close for two weeks, been tentative friends for four, known one another for nine, and yet still... still...

Taka feels Mondo halt a few seconds later, Taka hearing a soft 'thump' of something heavy hitting the ground, before the sound of soft footsteps fills the air, his body shuddering when he feels a warm body press up behind him, Mondo's hands coming up to grab his hips, the hold loose and easy, and utterly electrifying.

"Alright... we made it in time. Now... open yer eyes, Kiyo. Yer gonna fuckin' love this."

Taka— breath hitching at the almost breathy quality to Mondo's growling voice— does what he is told immediately. Eyes opening, he drinks in the sight before him.

And he promptly gasps, his knees turning weak at the absolutely astounding sight he's met with.

It's a lake. A large, glassy lake, sitting right in the middle of a grove of trees, the oranges and yellows and reds merging together into a sea of color and beauty. In the distance, he can see a mountain, snow already covering its topmost peak, hazy fog shrouding it as the sun sets slowly beyond its horizon. The sky is bathed in color, orange and red and violet and lavender and blue and it's so breathtaking he wants to cry. The lake reflects the colors perfectly, and mixed with the autumn scenery, it makes for the most amazing thing he's ever seen, and he finds he legitimately cannot breathe for several long, breathless seconds.

"Mondo... it... it's..."

He can't find the words. His eyes fill with tears and he leans back into the warmth behind him, steady and reliable and he wants to cry because it's all so much, he's never felt like this before and he... he...

(It's not fair, it's not fair, why does he keep doing this, why does he keep being so utterly perfect and yet not- and yet not-)

"Do ya like it, Kiyo?" Mondo whispers softly in his ear, unaware of the turmoil rising inside Taka's heart. "This place... it's prolly my favorite place in the world. My bro, he... he used ta take us here, when we were little. I'd run along the lake shore fer hours, catchin' fireflies in the summer and swimmin' in the spring. I love it best in the autumn, though, the colors all bright an' shit. It never fails ta take my fuckin' breath away."

Mondo pauses, letting out a soft, shaky breath, before he continues, voice low and intimate.

"Daiya... Daiya would take us here when things got too much, when da would yell too loud, or ma would fall into yet another drunken slumber, fergettin' ta feed us. He'd make us some food, some shit sandwiches 'cuz he had no fuckin' idea how ta cook, but he wanted me ta have somethin' ta eat. And we'd sit here by the lake, just the two a' us, laughin' an' havin' a great fuckin' time.

"It was a place just fer him an' me, ya know? I ain't ever brought anyone here, not the gang, no one. Ever since he- since Daiya died... this is the place I feel closest ta him. And I... I wanted to share that with you, Kiyo. My kyoudai. My soul brother. You... I wanted you to see this. Taka... Kiyo..."

The tears in Taka's eyes begin to spill then, the quiet words breaking the dam that has been building for hours and he just... he just lets it out. He twines his fingers with Mondo's, holding the biker in place when he hears him make a sound of distress, forcing the teen to stay exactly where he is. He doesn't want to look away from the sight before him and he doesn't want Mondo to move away. He wants to never leave this moment, to stay here forever to... to...

Taka wants to say it so badly, then, the words burning in his mind as he leans back against the biker, his lips forming the words silently against his will. I love you, Mondo, I- I love you so much it hurts and if I had one wish in life it would be that we could live in this moment forever and ever and ever, and never have to leave, never have to go, stay in this one, perfect moment forever, just you and me together. Forever.

He wants to say it. Feels it, burning inside him as the tears softly fall, a truth he barely let himself touch before now, Mondo holding him so tight he aches inside. He wants to let the feeling out, wants to say it and mean it and feel it. He's never let himself feel it, not truly, always pushed it away, only the far recesses of his mind daring to utter the truth that he knows he feels, that he wants so desperately to say-

But he can't. He can't, he can't, he can't. Even if they were dating (which they firmly are not), it would be far too soon for that, for declarations of love, of adoration, of undying devotion, after all, they've only really known each other for two weeks.

(And he ignores the voice in his head that whispers that this has been building for a lot longer than that, that he's been helplessly falling since the first goddamn day, when he'd ran headfirst into this wonderful, incredible, amazing, absolutely stupendous boy; this glorious, caring, empathic, glimmering man, so hopelessly gone before a single word was even uttered that it's not even funny. He knows. He knows, he knows, he knows. But it doesn't matter, none of it matters, because... because...

Because Mondo doesn't-

Because Mondo can't— b-because M-Mondo can't...

Mondo can't feel the same.

And that's the cold reality that he has to live with.)

"Kiyo... are you okay? Shit... didn't... I didn't mean ta make ya cry. I fuckin'... I hate seein' ya cry. Always have, from that very first day. Think I'd do just 'bout anythin' ta make ya stop. Ta see yer fuckin' beautiful smile. Taka... I... yer my brother, my kyoudai, an' I can't... can't bear ta..."

Taka lets out another sob at the words, and he can't help but close his eyes, it all so much, too much, he can't...

Mondo doesn't love him. He... he just... he doesn't.

(Not like Taka loves Mondo...)

"I... I am okay, Mondo. Ky-kyoudai. I'm just... s-so happy! That you showed me this. It means... I cannot express what it means. No one has ever..." Taka takes a shuddering breath here, more tears leaking down his face as he smiles, his heart aching so much it hurts.

Mondo squeezes his hand, running a soothing thumb over the back, and Taka lets out a shaky laugh, eyes looking up at the wondrous sky in wonder.

"Since I have met you, k-kyoudai... my whole life has changed. You have done s-so much for me... more than anyone else. I will never be able to repay you. This... this was supposed to be my repayment to you, and yet it is just yet another debt I will never be able to repay. I- I... I will always be in your debt, kyoudai... forever, and-"

"Fuck, don't say that, man," Mondo interrupts, his breathing a bit ragged as he presses the side of his face against Taka's, firm and present. "Don't say... like it's a bad thing. Like... like I'm forcin' ya ta be here, kyoudai... 'cuz- 'cuz I want ta do this. Ta give ya gifts, an' take ya special places, an' make ya happy, an'... an' all a' it. I've never... since Daiya, I've never felt so close ta another person. Shit, s'only been two fuckin' weeks we've been brothers an' it feels like I've known ya my entire goddamn life. I ain't doin' this shit ta be repaid, or ta collect on it later, or shit like that. I do it 'cuz I wanna... I wanna see ya happy, god, ya look so fuckin' beautiful when ya smile, happy an' unrestrained an' shit. That... that's how ya can repay me, kyoudai. By... by enjoyin' the time ya spend with me... an' if ya don't, then by throwin' me ta the fuckin' curb, 'cuz I want ya ta be happy. Even if it ain't with me, Taka..."

Mondo takes a breath here, and presses closer to Taka, every inch of him singing with the contact.

"But... just... friendship... brotherhood... it ain't a fuckin' transaction. A fuckin' deal. It ain't pay and repay. It's fuckin'... give an' take. Ain't gotta be even, 'cuz who the fuck can measure that shit? When I say ya've repaid me, I fuckin' mean it, Kiyo. Seein' ya here, same place my bro an' I would spend fuckin' hours as kids... ya agreein' ta ride with me, understandin' me an' my world just a little... I can't even begin ta explain what that shit means ta me. What ya... s-so stop worryin' okay? Over repayin' me. I know... I know yer family's got that debt, but this ain't like that. Y'ain't ever gonna be in my debt. If anythin', I'm in yers. Heh... ain't like many people bother ta see the good in a fuckin' screw up like me, ya know? But ya... ya do. Ya see somethin' in me that, 'fore now, only Daiya did. Somethin' worthwhile. Somethin'... somethin' good. An' I don't fuckin' know why, but I'm too goddamn selfish ta keep pushin' ya away... ta keep- keep tryin'... shit..."

Taka can hear Mondo's ragged breathing behind him, and his heart breaks for the biker. He squeezes his hand like it's a lifeline, and he hears as Mondo lets out a shaky laugh. He wants to say something, anything to express what this all means to him, but he can't, he can't, and Mondo... Mondo keeps talking...

"Yer the best goddamn thing ta ever happen ta me, Kiyo. Meetin' ya... 'fore that, s'like everything was just noise. A mix a' fightin' an' drinkin' an' anger. Ya made me wanna- wanna do better. Ta be better. Ya looked at me, with the whole fuckin' sun in yer goddamn eyes, an' I... I started ta think maybe I wasn't as fuckin' worthless as I knew I was. Even with all the shit I did ta ya... the things I called ya, slurs an' angry words an- an' shit like that… y-you still... still always looked at me like… and I... shit. Taka..."

Taka wants to turn around. He wants to slot his mouth against that utterly wonderful one, to taste the words he finds there, to breathe them into his body and soul. He wants to taste them, feel them, live them, and never let them go. To hold them in his heart— his soul— forever and never let them out. No one... no one has ever... and he wants, god does he want...

But...

But he can't.

He can't.

And he doesn't.

Because they're brothers.

Because Mondo is straight.

Because... Because Taka...

Because Taka could never dream to hold onto something this beautiful...

Everything breaks for Taka in the end. Nothing gold can ever stay. He isn't allowed. How could he have ever hoped any different? How could he... he...

Taking a deep, shuddering breath, Taka rips himself away from Mondo, everything in him screaming at him for doing it, hating himself for doing it, but he can't help it, can't bear to be touched. But then he accidentally looks at Mondo and sees the fear and the beginnings of heartbreak there, and he realizes what his actions could possibly mean.

To make up for it, he smiles, bright as the sun (the sun...) and gives into his body's desire to be close, to be together, and he ignores the rising panic in his heart as he slots into Mondo's arms like he was born to be there. Mondo wraps his arms around him, letting out a startled little laugh, and it... it's so perfect... Taka doesn't even miss the sunset, because nothing this world can offer can be as absolutely perfect as being held like this by Mondo is. Absolutely nothing.

To think. All his life he's striven for perfection, only to find it here... in the arms of the one person he can never, ever hope to have...

Life always did love to be ironic...

"S-so... so yeah, kyoudai. Don't wanna hear ya say shit like that again, okay? 'Bout repayin' me. Y'ain't gotta. Never. Ain't gotta pay me a goddamn thing. Ya understand? Kiyo?"

The words, whispered so softly in his ear... and Taka... he can't...

His body shakes with the sobs he can't control, and— thankfully— Mondo doesn't mention it. Doesn't question him. Just shushes him softly and whispers words of affirmation, soft and sweet and beautiful, and they just make Taka want to cry harder because he... he can't... he can't.

But eventually the tears dry up, his body not shaking quite as much. When he pulls back, the world is much darker, but there are still hints of orange and red in the sky, and yet he doesn't look behind him. He just looks up, into the most beautiful sight he's ever seen, and he can't help but smile.

"S-sorry... a-aha... d-don't know why I'm crying..." he whispers softly. He feels Mondo lift a hand to cup his cheek, thumb wiping away the remaining tears, which just makes it all worse, and he has to take several deep breaths to stop from crying again.

"Adrenaline crash. Happens after ridin' a hog sometimes, 'specially fer the first time. Ain't nothin' ta worry 'bout, kyoudai. Still. Gotta 'nother surprise fer ya. This one ain't much, kinda fuckin' sucks, but... well. Hope ya like it."

Oh, god, there's more? He's going to die. This boy is going to kill him, he absolutely is, dear god...

Taka pulls away from Mondo (reluctantly, so very, very reluctantly), and lets the teen head over to the basket he'd brought with him. Taka watches, heart aching as Mondo opens the basket and takes out— is that... a picnic blanket? Oh, god, it is— which he lays down on the ground, more carefully than he's ever done anything else, and then he takes out some food. Sandwiches, mostly, but also some rice balls and chicken, with a side salad and fruit, Taka's typical 'fancy' meal at school. There's also something that looks suspiciously like wine, but Taka is choosing to firmly believe is sparkling cider.

By the time Mondo is finished setting everything up, the world is bathed in heavy twilight, the sun barely peeking over the horizon as dark blues and purples and burgundies fill the sky. It's somehow even more beautiful than the sunset. Taka can see there are some people across the lake, probably some campers or hikers, can see the beginnings of campfires, smell the sweet scent of smoke, but he doesn't care. Other people have never mattered less to him. Nothing matters but this moment, Mondo looking back at him with a soft smile, his face bathed in the waning light, holding out a hand in invitation.

"C'mon, kyoudai... let's eat."

And Taka... Taka does what he always does.

He follows Mondo.

Sitting on the blanket, Taka watches as Mondo shuffles around, picking up some of the sandwiches he'd brought and holding them out to Taka, a sheepish grin on his face.

"They, uh... they're prolly shit, ain't exactly an expert at making sandwiches, but here. If ya... ya want. Brought yer usual food too, in case ya fuckin' hate it. Don't want ya ta go hungry, bro."

Taka's heart clenches painfully as he takes the sandwich with shaking hands, smile bright as he does so, heart so full of love when he realizes that Mondo had made the sandwiches himself. And when he bites in… it's clearly not a professionally made sandwich, with the tomatoes and the lettuce roughly chopped, but it still tastes incredible, more so since no one has ever gone through so much effort just for him before and he... he...

"You... uh. Ya like it?" Mondo asks nervously, though he tries to play it off as casual. Taka can see the way he's darting glances at him, though, anxiety in his lavender eyes. Taka smiles brightly, even as his heart aches, and nods fervently.

"This is the best sandwich I have ever had! Thank you so much, kyoudai!"

It's absolutely nothing compared to what he actually feels inside, the words so unimpressive and flat it's not even funny, but with the way Mondo beams, you'd think he'd said the most beautiful poetry in the world...

"Really?! Shit man... Daiya was always the one ta make the food when I was a kid, an' nowadays I mostly just get takeout an' shit, so I ain't had much practice. I, uh... I'm glad ya like it. Shit, here, take this," Mondo bursts out, shuffling again to grab the sparkling cider bottle and two glasses. He then removes the cork and pours a healthy amount of liquid into each glass, looking very concentrated as he goes. Finally, he hands one to Taka carefully, which he grabs immediately. Taka takes a cautious sniff of the burgundy liquid and wrinkles his nose at the sour scent, firmly not thinking about what is in this glass. His morals can go stuff it. "Shit, prolly shoulda brought some candles, 's gettin' pretty fuckin' dark... heh..."

Taka takes a moment to be grateful that Mondo didn't, in fact, bring candles. He thinks his heart would have imploded if he had. To distract himself, he turns back to the glass, unable to help the soft frown on his face. Well... it probably wouldn't hurt to have a sip...

Ack!

He was wrong!

Taka is coughing as the bitter liquid coats his tongue, the taste absolutely foul. He can hear Mondo let out a soft curse before he darts forward, grabbing the glass so Taka doesn't spill it on himself. He smiles shakily at the teen when he finally manages to calm the coughing fit, before he turns to glare at that vile liquid.

"That!" Taka exclaims, huffing indignantly, "is the worst tasting thing that I have ever had the misfortune of drinking!"

He has a moment to panic that he's offended Mondo, the biker staring at him with wide eyes, expression indecipherable. His fears are assuaged soon after, though, as the biker bursts into laughter, putting down the wine glasses to prevent them from spilling.

"God fuckin' dammit, Kiyo," Mondo chuckles several moments later, grinning bright and happy at Taka, his eyes practically glowing in the dark. "Yer so goddamn precious. Heh. Guess y'ain't a wine man, huh? Yeah, me neither honestly. Don't know why I fuckin' brought it, heh... know y'ain't the type ta drink it, 'specially since we're too young… just felt like it fit... heh..."

Even in the rapidly fading light, Taka can see the soft blush on Mondo's face, the biker looking across the lake as the last traces of sunlight sink below the horizon. It... god. How many times can Taka call something beautiful today before the word loses any and all meaning? He needs a better word. A brighter word. Stunning. Magnificent. Exquisite. Devine. Irresistible. Heavenly. Wondrous. Stupendous... words. Words, words, words. And none of them expressing at all what this moment truly means to him.

The pair shifts into silence as they keep eating, the pale moonlight rising enough to let them see. The moon is nearly full, so the world is bathed in its soft glow as the sun makes its final goodbye for the day. Taka thinks that, as the stars slowly appear— brighter and more vibrant that he's ever seen them before— that this is somehow even better than the sunset and twilight. He... he doesn't even know how such a thing is possible...

"Heh... always loved seein' the stars out here. Far enough from the city ta not get the light pollution, ya know? Ain't nothin' like it in the world. Do ya... do ya like it, kyoudai?" Mondo mutters, looking at him from the corner of his eyes. Taka blinks, before looking back at the biker, smile wide on his face even as his heart aches.

"Y-yes... yes, my kyoudai! I've never seen the stars so bright before! It's, uh... pulchritudinous!"

Mondo blinks at the long word, giving Taka a strange look. Taka, in response, blushes bright red. A-ah... perhaps that was the wrong word...

"The absolute fuck does that shit mean?"

The words, while a bit harsh on the surface, sound completely and utterly fond, and Taka can't help the soft laugh he huffs at the confused bafflement on Mondo's face.

"I-it, um... means beautiful. I was trying to find a word that accurately describes how I'm feeling, and- and I don't know if I can... kyoudai..."

Mondo laughs softly at the explanation, nodding with understanding, smiling at him so fondly he... he feels...

"Heh, yeah, me too, bro. Me... me too..."

They go back to eating and eventually all the food is gone, even the rice balls and chicken. Taka is content to sit back and watch the stars, but then Mondo is reaching into the basket again, pulling one last thing out. Even in the dark night, Taka thinks he can see the bright red blush on Mondo's face.

"U-uh... got one last thing, kyoudai. Prolly ain't good, taste like dog shit, didn't have the time ta taste 'em 'fore I had ta get ya, but... heh, shit, never mind, I-"

"Mondo," Taka interrupts gently, leaning close to the teen and gently touching his hand, relishing the way Mondo jolts at his touch, "whatever it is I am sure I will love it. If it comes from you... I know I will."

It's the closest to a confession he can make, and as he sees the liquid silver stare Mondo gives him, bright and beautiful and alive, Taka can almost pretend Mondo fully understands his meaning.

"S-shit... okay. I- okay. They're, uh... cookies. Or they're supposed ta be. They don't quite look right, all misshapen an' shit, but, uh... ain't never made shit like this 'fore, not sure why I did now, heh..."

Mondo is holding the bag in his hands, practically cradling it, and Taka can see messy cellophane wrapped around a mound of misshapen lumps.

Feeling bold, Taka reaches out and carefully takes the bag from Mondo, smiling gently when the biker gives him a wide-eyed stare. He opens the twist tie and grabs one of the cookies. In the dark, he can't quite tell what kind of cookie it's supposed to be (it looks suspiciously dark, but he can't tell if it's supposed to be or if it's burnt), but he doesn't hesitate a second to bring it up to his mouth and take a bite. And the taste...

The taste...

"... w-well? Uh... does it suck?"

That's... not quite the word he would use...

Taka chews thickly around the very chewy bite, his mouth exploding with, er... flavor! And it's not... bad... per se. He can definitely taste some chocolate and some sweetness from the sugar. But there's also a strange saltiness to it, not to mention a bitter after taste that is almost a little overwhelming. He thinks the cookies were, unfortunately, a little burnt... however, if he discounts that, it's actually... not half bad. And as he takes another bite (urk), he finds that he doesn't hate it. Not at all. Especially not when considering who made it, a person he'd have never, in a million years expected to do something as domestic as bake cookies.

So, he turns to Mondo and he smiles brightly, even as his tongue is crying at the taste that he'd just subjected it to.

"It was not, uh, bad! Very, er... bracing! Are they, uh... chocolate chip?" Taka asks, hoping that he's not offending the teen with the question. To his luck, Mondo just lets out a soft laugh, hand raising to rub the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Uh... yeah. They're my favorite. Borin', I know, but they were the one cookie ma knew how ta make. Back when she... when she still cared, heh... Daiya would make 'em for me sometimes, an' they always tasted like shit, but I still loved 'em. Ate every goddamn bite."

Mondo laughs softly again, before reaching forward and grabbing one of the, er... 'cookies.' Taka watches as Mondo looks at it suspiciously, sniffs it cautiously, before popping it into his mouth whole. And then...

"Ugh! That's fuckin' disgustin'!" Mondo exclaims, spitting the cookie out into his hand, a look of utter disgust on his face. And Taka... Taka has to force the laughter down, knowing it would just hurt Mondo's feelings, the teen probably not realizing that he's not laughing at him, but just... at it all. The situation, the moment, the- the absolute hilarity of his life in general.

(After all, it's either laugh... or cry.)

Still, he can't quite help the helpless giggle he gives at Mondo's face, so full of disgust it's adorable. He hadn't even known he could giggle... and when Mondo looks up at him, eyebrows furrowed, the beginnings of hurt rising in his eyes, Taka shakes his head, smile so wide his face hurts. He has no idea what to say, but he... he knows he has to say something...

"You... you're absolutely incredible. Did you know that, kyoudai? Absolutely... amazing..."

Taka can see the bright blush on Mondo's face, the biker flushing as he rubs his neck again, the spit out cookie getting tossed somewhere off to the side. Taka finds it a little (okay, a lot) gross, but he doesn't say anything as Mondo laughs softly again, shrugging awkwardly.

"Heh, no I ain't... these cookies fuckin' suck, shit, sorry kyoudai... I shoulda tried 'em first, shouldn't a'... shouldn't a' made ya eat that shit-"

"I liked them," Taka interrupts, finding that he actually means it. They may have tasted... strange... but he thinks they may have been the best goddamn thing he's ever eaten, and his mother was almost a professional baker, back Before. Mondo gives him a disbelieving look, though, snorting as he shakes his head.

"Y'ain't gotta fuckin' lie ta me, kyoudai, I can take it like a man. They fuckin' suck an' I-"

"I'm not. Lying. I mean it, Mondo. I like your cookies," Taka interrupts again, moving closer without thought, putting his hand gently on top of Mondo's, eyes intent and full of purpose. Mondo stares back, shock lining his face. "I would never lie to you, kyoudai... never."

A charged silence falls between them, the pair staring at one another, no words uttered. The faint sound of laughter can be heard on the wind, as crickets begin to call, and Taka... Taka...

"Shit, kyoudai... I... shit..."

They're close again, so close, too close, and all Taka can see is silvery lavender, eyes so bright and beautiful they make him want to cry. He can feel Mondo shift his hand, their fingers twining, and he wants to live in this moment forever. Another moment, absolutely perfect, that he never wants to leave.

And yet... he must.

Because the moment passes far too soon, and Mondo pulls away, chuckling softly as he looks back at the lake, the stars starting to reflect on its glassy surface.

"Heh. C'mere, kyoudai. Let's watch the stars, okay?"

Taka watches as Mondo shifts subtly, holding his arms open as he looks at him with such open affection that he just... can't. He doesn't even try and fight it as he turns, settling into Mondo's arms, looking up as Mondo reclines slightly, one arm wrapped tight around his waist while the other holds them up, not wavering a second to hold their collective weight up.

The sensation of watching the stars, so much brighter and more vibrant here than he's ever seen them before... surrounded by the feel and scent of Mondo... so warm despite the rapidly declining night air, the bitter wind attacking his face, but he doesn't even notice it, not when faced the delicious warmth of Mondo... his heart aching and clenching and so much in love he doesn't know what to do, what to think, what to feel...

It's so much, too much, and as he lays in Mondo's arms... as the warmth surrounds him, fully and utterly... something inside him shifts. And suddenly...

Everything hurts.

He can feel as the hope that had filled him earlier that day— fresh off the success of making his first friend completely on his own— curdles in his chest and dies. No hope exists here, in this moment, so utterly amazing and beautiful and perfect that he wants to bottle it up and keep it forever. No hope can exist in his heart as he stares up at the stars, surrounded by his entire universe, feeling so much he doesn't even know what to do.

Because...

Because...

Because he knows— quite painfully— that he will never have what he now knows he truly, desperately wants.

Because he knows— his heart aching so fiercely— what he feels; truly, deeply feels.

Because he knows— tears gathering in his eyes that he refuses to let fall— for the first time, the entire truth.

Because he lets himself feel it. Let's himself acknowledge it. For the first time... for the first time, he looks at it, examines it, and he knows... he knows what this is.

He is in love. With Mondo Owada. And it's not brotherly love, not platonic, not in the goddamn slightest. He is in full on, head over heels, absolutely insane love with Mondo and it's killing him inside to feel it. It's so much and it's so bright and he is utterly terrified of what it means. Of what it makes him, something he's spent half his life denying so fervently it's astonishing he can even acknowledge what he's currently feeling at all. He is terrified of this feeling, which makes him hurt so badly, but also feel like he's walking on air.

Because it won't last. It can't last. It's a dream. A wonderful, beautiful dream, one he never wants to wake from, never wants to be pulled from. A dream that is so joyous he can barely contain it, his hand desperately seeking out Mondo's, wanting, needing to touch him, feel him, be surrounded by him.

But all dreams end. All dreams die, fading into the morning mist, forgotten but for the lingering sense of longing and heartbreak that remains. You can't hold onto dreams, can't hold onto mist, can't hold onto that which you do not own.

His grandfather taught him that, sitting pathetically in a jail cell, wasting away like a ghost. He'd lost everything when his dream ended— his livelihood, his money, his respect. His family. His father hated his grandfather by the end, only Taka deigning to see the man, taking a bus to the local jail, sitting quietly as his grandfather looked at him, so worn and wan it was like looking at a corpse. When he died, only Taka had gone to the pathetic memorial, for reasons he still doesn't quite know, staring at the faded picture of his grandfather's first day at Hope's Peak, eyes so full of life and light he couldn't help but wonder where it had all gone wrong. Where he'd fallen apart, how he'd let himself get roped into corruption scandals and bad business deals and other disasters that were so obvious in retrospect but blind in practice. How had he fallen so far, so fast, his dream destroyed so completely and utterly? He hadn't known, not then, not when looking at the picture of a man that died years and years before that day. Not when he'd been silently grieving a man that he knew he shouldn't have cared about at all, but that he couldn't make himself hate, not fully, not really.

Taka knows now. He knows fully well. Knows it was because his grandfather had never worked hard a day in his life, had just accepted reality as it came. He never expected to face consequences for his actions, never expected to have to wake from the dream. He was a genius, was charismatic, had been told all his life that he was special and that he would go places, and he'd never stopped to think about if that were true or not. He was so arrogant and stupid and everything that Taka is not.

Taka works hard. He tries hard, he does whatever he can to build himself and his family name up. He doesn't stop, doesn't quit, wears his uniform 365 days a year to show how dedicated he is, how devoted— how pure. He is moral, and upright, and true, and he doesn't give up. He doesn't quit, not even when it gets hard, not even when it feels impossible, not even... not even when he wants to give up. He... he...

He doesn't let himself dream. He doesn't let himself get lost in wishful fantasies, dreaming of what might be and could be. His goal of being Prime Minister is just that; a goal. It isn't a dream, not an insubstantial wish that has no substance at all. He has plans. Charts. He knows what he has to do, knows exactly what steps he has to take. He has them written down, in binders so worn from all the times he's opened and studied the plans inside. He doesn't leave it up to chance, doesn't give himself the luxury of dreaming of all he wants to accomplish. He will succeed in his goals, or he will die trying. There is not any in between or outside. He either will or he won't. He either will become Prime Minister and fix all the mistakes his grandfather made, fix all the mistakes in the world, or he... he...

He will die trying.

There is no other option.

He doesn't care how long it takes. He doesn't care if it takes him the rest of his life. He knows what he wants. He knows what he will have. It's just a matter of time.

But...

But this?

This, here, looking at the stars, pressed so firmly to a warm body that he doesn't know where he ends or begins anymore? This, holding tight to something nebulous and tender and new and terrifying and insubstantial?

This isn't real. It's not real and it's not true and it's not a plan. It's not part of his plan. This is a distraction, a speed bump, something glorious and wondrous and bright— but false. Like trying to hold mist, like trying to stop the rain. This is a dream, and god is it a beautiful one, but it's a dream, nonetheless. This isn't his. He's not allowed to have it. No amount of hard work and effort will get him this reality. He can fight and claw and bleed as much as he wants, but at the end of the day, he... he will never have this. Not really. Not truly. Not fully.

Because...

Because Mondo doesn't love him.

Because Mondo doesn't want him.

Because Mondo isn't gay.

But Taka is. He- h-he is, he can't deny it, not here, not when looking at the stars and feeling everything that he knows he could never feel with a girl. And he… he does. Want. Love. Desire. And it doesn't fucking matter. Because this isn't his to hold. This isn't his to have. He's not allowed. He... he's not allowed.

And that... that's the cold harsh truth.

He knows, then, that he should end this. That he should turn to Mondo, face hard as glass, and say that this is done. That they cannot be friends anymore. That they cannot be kyoudai anymore. He shouldn't have taken back his words yesterday, shouldn't have listened to his heart, should have walked away and never, ever let himself have this realization. He should anger Mondo, make the biker so horribly angry and enraged and filled with so much hatred that he can be reminded why loving such a monstrous person is a horrible, terrible idea. He should... he should...

He should...

But...

He won't.

He won't.

He won't.

He can't.

Because he is too goddamn weak. He's too goddamn pathetic. He's too goddamn in love, love, love, and he can't find it in him to do it. To do what he knows would break Mondo as much as it would certainly break him. Because while Mondo may not be in love with him, he knows that Mondo... Mondo cares. Maybe he even loves him, too, just not in the same way.

But it's still there. Still bright. Still important. If he were to close himself off and pull himself away, it is not just him who would shatter from the fall. Mondo would, too, and he'd shatter far faster and far messier than Taka.

Taka knows disaster, knows heartache, knows pain. He has lived it, breathed it, tasted it, for as long as he can remember. Mondo isn't like that. He's felt pain and heartache before, knows what loss and hurt are like, but he's not made a home there. His home is in anger, and rage, and hatred, which are far shakier foundations to live in. One firm shake and it all comes tumbling down, down, down, into the dirt, crumbled to dust. And Mondo could try to rebuild, try to build up, but the fire that accompanies the earthquake will burn it all down, to ash, until there is nothing left to build from.

Taka can take ashes and make a home from it, though. He can bury himself and sleep in the molten glass, his body burning and his world breaking, but he will not yield. He's spent what feels like his entire life building something from nothing. From ash and broken glass and pain. He doesn't remember a time Before this. Before the pain and the sorrow and the ache. He remembers his mother, but she was always so tired. So wan. Dying, always dying, breaking and shattering and leaving. He remembers his father, but he's a ghost now, an empty shell of the man he'd once been. He doesn't remember his grandfather at all, only knows the ghost he'd become, a worthless spec marring a sparkling world who no one but him remembers even slightly positively.

Mondo… Mondo remembers his brother. He has good, happy memories of his brother, memories that he remembers fondly, even if they're now gone forever, new memories never able to replace the old. Memories he can smile at, that he can feel joy at, can… can love. Can adore. Taka doesn't have that. He doesn't have any memories that are not tainted by pain. That don't taste like ashes.

This is his life. This is his world. This is all he's ever known, and he's made a life here. He can build from it, can rip his heart out and keep going, keep moving, keep trying, always trying, moving towards his goal.

But Mondo can't. He doesn't know how. He has good memories, happy memories— dreams and desires and hopes. He has goodness inside of him, in a way that Taka never has had. If he shatters, he will fall apart. Taka knows this. Taka sees this. If Mondo breaks, he will spiral into anger and rage and hatred until there is nothing else left. He will pull it around himself, and he will let it become him, and he will destroy all the soft and wonderful parts of himself that Taka loves so much. If Taka pulls away now... if he leaves him, rejects him, tells him no... he will destroy himself just out of spite.

And Taka...

Taka can handle pain. He always has. He's had to.

But he can't handle seeing other people in pain.

He can't handle being the cause of it.

Especially not for people that he loves.

So... so he won't. Pull away. He won't... won't reject Mondo. He will keep on going, as he has been, giving and giving and giving, until he is all gone and nothing else remains. And then he will give some more because that's all he's good for. Repayment. Paying the debts of his family before him. He's not a person, not his own. He's a machine. A robot, designed to make others better, to fix all the wrongs in the world, and to... to... to make things right. He doesn't get wants. He doesn't get dreams. He doesn't get to have things.

He isn't allowed.

And he will push this all down. Down, down, down, so that no one will ever see it. So that Mondo... so that Mondo will never know. He will smile, and he will laugh, and he will do whatever it takes to make Mondo happy— because part of him thinks (knows) that the only thing he wants in the world is to see Mondo happy— and he will do whatever he can to achieve this goal. He will ignore the dream, forget the mist, and he will do something that is substantial. He will do everything he can to make Mondo happy, even if it breaks him inside. He can live in pain, can live in ashes; Mondo can't. He can't. This is his goal, now, as vital as all of his others, and he will see it through until the bitter end.

Even if it kills him.

After all... there is no in between. There is no outside. There is no maybe.

He either will...

Or he will die trying.

It's as simple as that.

"Hey... Taka. We should, uh... we should prolly head back. S'gettin' late. Got school tomorrow, an' I know how important that shit is ta ya. We can... heh. We can come back here sometime, if ya'd like. Just you an' me. I gotta bring ya here in summer, shit's fuckin' magical, with the fireflies an' all. God, ya'll love it in the summer... heh. But uh... we'll be back. I know we will. So… c'mon. Let, uh... let's go."

Taka blinks at the words, feeling dazed, everything in him feeling wrong and slow. He feels Mondo move and he moves too, without telling himself to, eyes blank and body numb. He smiles at Mondo when Mondo smiles at him, but it feels wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, and he knows Mondo can see it. Taka can see the worry, the concern, and he realizes he's going to have to try harder. So, he relaxes his smile, lets his eyes go soft, and he nods quickly, a pale imitation of what he'd do if he could actually feel, but Mondo doesn't seem to notice. He's smiling now, relieved, and Taka can't take that from him.

He won't.

"Y-yes, k-ky-kyoudai. We should- should get going. Aha... it's g-getting cold!"

And it is. It is, it is, it is, he's freezing, he's frozen, inside and out. He feels- he feels so cold and he wants to lie down and never get back up. He wants- he wants- but he's not allowed to want, so he just smiles again as Mondo laughs and lets the biker pull him closer, making a show of 'warming him up.'

He has no hope of doing that, but Taka appreciates the effort.

Soon, they're walking back to the bike, the bitter chill assaulting them as they move. Mondo picks up the helmet he'd carelessly thrown earlier, wipes off the dirt carefully, and gently puts it on Taka's head, buckling the thing in place. Taka doesn't say a word in protest, just lets Mondo do what he wants, even though he couldn't care less about his own safety, not right now.

He watches with dispassionate eyes as Mondo mounts the bike, his heart giving a pathetic tug at the sight. He ignores this, though, and he gets on, too, his pathetic little heart aching as he goes. But he doesn't feel it, not anymore. It's there, he knows it's there, but he's above it now. He can acknowledge it and then... push it gently aside. It's honestly better this way. It still hurts, yes, but it's not... not devastating. He can hold these feelings, these emotions, and know that they are there.

And he can push them aside with a smile as he gets on the bike, less clumsy than earlier, and hold tight to Mondo, feeling as the bike purrs under his body, his legs tingling so deliciously with the feeling. He can take the feeling, the love, and put it... not in a box, it's too strong for that, but on a shelf. Out of reach, but not out of sight. There, but not present.

He can let himself see it, maybe even feel it, as Mondo starts moving, the bike tearing out of the forest, far darker and more mysterious than before. He's not afraid, though. He's not much of anything, really. He just lets himself hold tight to Mondo, and he closes his eyes. He breathes deep.

And he lets it go.

The drive back is less eventful than the drive there, the pair zipping along down the highway, the lights from the cars and other vehicles blurring as they pass. They hit some traffic halfway back, so they have to slow down, Mondo grumbling at the delay. Taka doesn't mind it though. He just hums, tightening his grip, hoping Mondo can find some comfort from it. From the way the biker quiets, his eyes shining as he glances back, very quick, a half-smile on his face, Taka thinks that he succeeds, and the thought makes him smile.

The traffic doesn't last long and soon they're flying again, Mondo whooping as they tear down the road, faster and faster, the cold November air chilling them to the bones. Taka can't feel it. Not really. It's there but...

Also, not.

Eventually they make it back to the city, the lights of the nightlife alive around them as they pass. The dull grey and browns from the day transform into bright blurs of neon color, so transfixing that it's all Taka can do to stare. His heart flutters uselessly in his chest at the sensation and he lets it. It's not hurting anyone.

Soon they're off the highway and they're back on the city streets, stop and go and stop and go, until Mondo pulls them into the parking lot before Hope's Peak. Mondo pulls into his designated parking space and cuts the engine. Taka allows himself a moment— a singular, solitary moment— to compose himself. To breathe deep and collect his feelings and thoughts and emotions.

And then he lets go of Mondo, far faster this time than the last, and dismounts off the bike, still shaky, but he's able to stand on his own without assistance, smiling shakily at Mondo as the biker dismounts as well. Mondo smiles back, and reaches forward to take the helmet off, with practiced, deft fingers. The second it's off, his face is assaulted by the frigid air, his breath coming out in harsh puffs, and then Mondo is there, rushing him inside, saying that he should get out of the cold.

They enter the school and it's quiet, but not overly so. It's not as late as he'd have thought, maybe 7:00 or 8:00, their trip lasting four hours at most. It had felt like longer, like years and years and years, but of course it hadn't been, aha, that would have been silly.

Mondo grins at him as he wraps an arm around his shoulder, the helmet in the empty basket Mondo holds in his other hand, as they head to the biker's room. They pass almost no one as they go, only some older students that Taka doesn't even recognize. They arrive at Mondo's room and the biker removes his arm to open the door. Taka doesn't feel anything as he does so, his heart giving only a small pathetic flip that is easy to ignore as he enters the room that is almost more familiar than his own room at this point.

He watches as Mondo puts their things away, the basket going in the corner, the trash going in the trash can (which Taka diligently takes out every day, since he knows Mondo would forget otherwise), the biker talking as he goes, saying how that day was a lot of fun, and that they have to do it again sometime. Taka nods absently as he stands, in the corner, his heart beating. Barely.

Mondo walks up to him after a little while and starts unzipping Taka's leather jacket, taking it off of him with gentle hands, eyes piercing as he looks at him. Taka just lets him, smiling as Mondo grins down at him, his eyes so full of life it makes him want to cry. But he pushes the feeling aside and it goes easy, like it was never there in the first place, and he can breathe again and it's fine. It... it's fine.

He...

He's fine.

He takes a seat beside Mondo as the biker starts up another movie, not Disney this time, something with action and comedy and romance, and Taka doesn't really like it, but he laughs when Mondo does, watches the screen with focused eyes, and he doesn't let his discontent show.

When the movie ends and Mondo asks what he'd thought, he smiles and says that 'it was enjoyable, kyoudai!" the lie slipping easily off his tongue. It makes his stomach churn, but he ignores it. It's worth it when Mondo smiles, eyes crinkling, the biker nodding as he says he wasn't sure if Taka would like it, but he is glad that Taka had. Taka just smiles, nodding back.

They then head to bed, not needing to talk about it as Taka heads to the bathroom first to take his shower and brush his teeth (he has a toothbrush here, now, a cheap thing that he'd picked up at the school's store), changing into the night clothes he leaves in Mondo's drawers. He exits the bathroom and Mondo enters it, the teen smiling as they pass. Taka then does the work he's left in Mondo's room, eyes focused on his essay as the sound of the shower starts up, his heart racing for reasons he pushes to the side, caring more about his essay than anything else.

Once Mondo is done, he exits the bathroom dressed in his night clothes, his hair curling and damp on his head, his skin slightly pink from the oppressive heat he loves his showers to be. Taka closes his book, then, his essay finished, smiling at the biker. Mondo smiles back, before heading to the bed, lying down in the middle. Taka moves to turn off the lamp, his own damp hair curling lightly around his neck, drying slowly.

Once the lamp is off, he turns to head to the bed, which he gets into with only slightly stiff limbs, shuffling until he's pressed tight to Mondo. The biker's arm wraps firmly around him once he's settled, Taka's ear pressed against Mondo's chest, listening to the steady beating of his heart.

He listens as Mondo eventually drifts off, soft snores filling the air as the silence of the soundproof room echoes around him. His eyes remain open and he stares ahead of him, mind blank, as he traces absent shapes on a hard chest.

He doesn't know how much time passes until he eventually closes his eyes and falls asleep.

He doesn't remember his dream.

(He thinks it was sad.)

(They always are.)

---

AN: Mondo: hey, bro, is it gay to bring your best friend to the place that means the absolute most to you, to tell him he means the entire world to you, to hold him closely as he cries, and then proceed to have a romantic twilight dinner with wine and homemade food? And then hold him tenderly while watching the stars together? Bro?

Taka, who is already mentally planning their summer wedding: ... nah, you're good bro.

Mondo: oh, hey, sweet.

~X~

Ha! So. That all happened. Ahh, I would like to mention that I had not, when writing this, intended on writing that last part. With Taka being all devastated and full of despair and all. But the more I wrote, the more I thought it made sense. I've been having Taka struggle with his sexuality for this entire fic. I highly doubt that him realizing he's in love with his male best friend would go over well for him emotionally. Especially when he's under the misconception that Mondo is completely straight. He's kind of freaking out and is trying to rationalize it all, only to realize he kind of can't. His entire world has been upended yet again and he's doing his best to not completely break down. Next chapter fully goes over the extent of Taka's problems with this all, and I will say... be prepared, as it is a doozy. I originally thought the next chapter was my favorite, but rereading it last week brought up some issues I have with it, so I'm hoping to fix them before posting the next chapter.

I do have one small, minor problem, though... So, y'all know how I'm currently writing The Problem with Mondo, the companion piece in Mondo's perspective? Well... I regret to inform y'all that I am officially caught up to this story while writing that one. Meaning, I am currently writing the companion to chapter 16, and am only about halfway done. What does this mean? Honestly, not much. TPWP is complete, so I can just keep posting these chapters without any interruption. However... once I'm done posting TPWP, if I'm still not done with TPWM, then I may need to take a break to finish TPWM before posting it, since I tend to prefer posting fics when they are complete. Also... I may be changing some small things from this chapter onward, since I've been making small changes to the other chapters while writing TPWM thus far. It's never anything too major, just some minor edits, but I just wanted to mention it, in case anyone was rereading and was confused as to some minor changes. I don't like doing this, which is one of the reasons why I like waiting until fics are done until posting, but it can't be helped sadly. And since I'm now writing my Drarry fic again, I might not finish TPWM for a little while. I have plans to finish it, but... not for a while.

(Also, for those wondering... yes, I did write this to be exactly like a date. Mondo is just still deep in the Nile and will be for a while more. :-) Poor Taka.)

Anyway! I wouldn't worry about it, I just wanted to mention it. See y'all next week! :-D