The Problem with Perfection Chapter 17: The Problem with Perfection, a danganronpa fanfic

Full chapter title: The Problem with Perfection (is when it all comes crashing down)

TW: this chapter contains a slow building panic attack. It starts out mild but by the end of the chapter it gets a little intense. Like chapter 10 but, somehow, a little worse. Also, severe homophobia and sexism warning (not from main characters) about halfway through.

Hey all! :-D

So! This chapter! It's another big one, and I'm not sure how to feel about it, honestly. Sometimes I love it, think it's the best chapter in this story, and it does everything I wanted it to do. Other times its... lacking and I don't even know why. I think it has to do with my frame of mind while reading this chapter, ha. One thing I will say is that it gets a bit bleak in this chapter, with Taka definitely going through some stuff. This chapter is basically "everything that Taka has been battling this entire story rears its ugly head now, and Taka has to struggle to not break down entirely." So... yeah. It can get heavy in places, and if you are sensitive to depictions of negative emotion, please be careful. Like... if the end of the last chapter bothered you, please be careful with this one, since I'm not joking when I say it gets heavy.

Also, know that the sort of taciturn and bland descriptions at the beginning of the chapter are intended. I write this story like it's Taka's thoughts, and if he is feeling kind of numb... well. As someone who has battled emotional numbness, I can say it makes thoughts very short and lifeless. In my experience, at least.

Anyway! Thanks for the reviews and comments! I appreciate them greatly and it makes me so happy to know people are enjoying this story. Things start rolling soon, and I'm anxious to see what y'all think about it, ha.

(Also, the song used in this chapter is Hey Jude, by the Beatles . I think most people would recognize it, but just in case, ha.)

Enjoy!

"Hey, Taka! How did your exam go? Thank you sooo much for your study session! I totally would have failed if we hadn't done that!"

Taka looks up from packing up his supplies, staring blankly at the energetic girl he sees bound up towards him, smile bright on her face. She is followed— at a much more sedate pace— by her girlfriend (they'd made the news official a few days ago, after their successful first date), who is smiling softly.

Taka stands, trying his best to match her enthusiasm, and smiles as brightly as he can.

It's flat.

She doesn't notice.

"It went well, Hina, thank you for asking! It was easier than I had expected! I'm glad that our study session helped! If you ever require any more study sessions, feel free to let me know!" Taka professes, trying to ignore the dull ache in his heart when she giggles, nodding quickly.

"Of course! Our next exam is tomorrow, do you think we can do another session tonight? That would be super totally cool!"

Taka swallows thickly, looking down at his things. He quickly picks up his slowly breaking binder and puts it carefully in his bag. Would he want to do another study session? Well... well...

"Y-yes! Of course I would love to!" he lies, smiling brightly again. He hates it, hates it, but she doesn't notice. She just...

She doesn't notice.

"Great! I'll tell the others the session is on! Yayayayay! For the first time, I'm almost excited for an exam! I knew being friends with you would be a good idea!"

Ah. A-ah... yes. Being friends with him... such a great idea. Because of what he... he has... has to offer...

"That sounds wonderful, Hina! N-now I'm afraid I must be going! I have a- I have an appointment I must get to! I shall see you later!"

Taka's words are out of his mouth before he can consciously think of them, and he hopes they're good ones. Ones that sound like him. Sakura is looking at him, staring through him, but he keeps the mask up, smiling nicely, and she says nothing.

She notices nothing.

People rarely do.

"We'll see you later, Taka," Sakura calls, as she grabs Hina's hand and gently pulls the excitable girl away. It's funny when he thinks about it. How they're so close despite seeming so different. Sakura is so calm and reserved, while Hina is so energetic and outgoing. On the surface, you'd never think such a pair would work. Taka certainly wouldn't if he didn't know them.

But he does know them. And he sees the gentle affection the pair share for each other. He sees how Sakura is brighter and more vibrant when Hina is around, and how Hina is more grounded and present when Sakura is around. For all their differences, they balance each other out nicely. They are very compatible and build the other up instead of tearing them down. Plus, they both love sports and working out and exercise, which gives them a common foundation to build off of.

It... it's nice... and he is happy they found one another. He can only imagine what it would be like to have someone who balances him so well. Who isn't exactly like him, who may be his complete opposite, but still... still wants...

But such thoughts are unhelpful. Love, romance... they are just distractions. Distractions from his goals, his plans, his- his... well. His everything.

Besides! He has his friends! Friends who care about him, who value him as a person. And maybe... maybe they value what he can offer— what he can give— just a little more. Maybe... maybe, if he didn't have anything to offer, to give, they wouldn't want him anymore. And maybe... maybe he fears the day he has no more of himself to give, all the pieces he has left given away to people other than himself.

What does it matter? It doesn't. He has friends. People who care about him and value him as a person. And maybe. Maybe. Maybe. But does it matter? This is friendship. This is what he's always wanted. He has so many friends now! He has Hina, and Sakura, and Sayaka, and Chihiro. And he spoke to Makoto the prior week, a few days after- after befriending Chihiro, smiled and extended the branch and the boy had accepted, smiling, saying he was glad that they were friends. Everyone always said that, that they were so happy they were friends with him, that they were glad and he- he has friends. People who... who care about him. Even Kyoko had told him he could call her by her first name, the reserved daughter of the headmaster spending more time around them since she and Makoto became friends after Halloween, and while they may not quite be friends, they're on the way.

This is everything he has ever wanted. This is the life he's wanted since he was old enough to know he wanted anything. Friends. People who care. People who want to spend time with him. People who don't hate him people who don't despise him people who don't care how worthless he is people who want him as he is people who want what he wants people who want. People who want.

He should be happy.

(Why isn't he happy?

Why isn't he happy?

Why isn't he happy-)

And he is happy.

He is happy.

Why wouldn't he be?

Taka puts his pencils away. His hands are slow, they feel like they are made of lead but that's fine. That's never slowed him before. He just will have to work harder to overcome this, that's all. He can do it. He's always worked so hard. He knows how to work hard. It's what people like about him. It's what people want from him. It's what he has to offer.

He puts his highlighter away. Why did he have his highlighter out? He doesn't know, it's probably important. He always has a reason for the things he does. He's so structured. It's his best feature. His best. Like he has more than one good feature. Like he has any good feature. Funny.

He looks at his desk and he sees that it is barren. Everything is put away. He blinks. Oh. He hadn't... hadn't realized he was already finished packing. His hands hover over his bag for a moment before he picks it up, slinging it around his shoulder with hands that only shake slightly. He looks up and sees that there's no one in the room. Even the teacher left and he's alone. Alone. He doesn't allow himself to relax. There's always someone watching. He smiles. He turns to the door and marches forward. His pace is even, and his steps are measured. Good. Good. G... good.

He reaches the open doorway, and he hesitates only a second but doesn't allow himself any more than that. He pushes through the doorway and heads into the hall. He keeps his eyes ahead, he doesn't look around, he keeps his face tilted to the side and he-

"Hey! Kyoudai!"

He turns towards the voice and he widens his smile, making his eyes sparkle as a figure pushes off the wall and makes its way over to him, grinning wide and happy.

"Shit, man, almost thought I missed ya or somethin'. Sure took a while ta clear all yer stuff up. Y'okay, Taka?"

Is he okay? What a silly question, of course-

"I'm okay! I just wanted to make sure my things were put away properly, that is all! How did the exam go for you, kyoudai?!"

His voice is enthusiastic. His tone is even and strong. Like it always is. Mondo doesn't hear the waver. Taka is careful to keep it from being too noticeable. He's a horrible actor but he's always been a hard worker. He smiles again, and Mondo doesn't notice. He doesn't notice anything.

He just puts his arm around Taka, a bright grin on his lips, looking down at Taka with affection and happiness and joy and Taka-

Taka tastes ashes.

"Fuckin' good! Shit, man. Think I may have passed it, never fuckin' thought I'd feel like that. Yer help... shit. It worked, man. Yer such a fuckin' genius, kyoudai. Fuckin' incredible."

A genius. Mondo... thinks he is a genius. The ash spreads and it starts to choke him. He smiles, laughs softly, bumps his shoulder into Mondo's chest.

"I'm glad it helped! It's what I'm here for!"

It's all he's here for. All he's here for. All he's here for after all, his Ultimate Talent is all about what he can give to others. What has his morality ever done for him? What has his compass ever given him? He does it for them. For others. For his mother and his father and his grandfather and his kyoudai and his friends, and... all of them. The world. Everyone he has to help. Not himself. Never himself.

"Heh, sure bro. Thank fuck exams are almost over, though. Then we can go out fer a ride again. Yer still up fer that, yeah? Y'ain't gotta, ya know that, if y'ain't-"

"Kyoudai," Taka interrupts, a gentle reprimand in his tone that disguises the way he wants to tremble, "I said I would, didn't I?! I always keep my word! It's a-"

"Kiyotaka Ishimaru guarantee," Mondo interjects in return, a soft smirk on his lips as he rolls his eyes, the arm not draped over his shoulder coming up to ruffle his hair affectionately. Taka tries not to stiffen at the action. He manages it. Barely...

Mondo pulls back after a second and sighs, looking at Taka with such openness and softness that Taka wants to cry. He wants to cry and scream and rage and break.

He pushes the feelings to the side.

He smiles.

"Heh. Alright, Taka, shit, I know. Sorry. I just don't wanna force ya ta do things, ya know? I uh... shit, this is gonna sound so stupid but… fuck it. I just... I get the feelin' sometimes that yer just doin' some a' this shit 'cuz ya feel like ya gotta, ya know? Not 'cuz ya wanna. An' I just... shit, man, I dunno. Don't want ya ever feelin' like that. But I'm prolly bein' an idiot, heh. Like hell ya'd do shit ya don't wanna," Mondo chuckles, but the laughter sounds a little forced. Taka doesn't notice. He's too busy trying to hide the unnatural stiffness that wants to creep into his body.

Mondo... Mondo has noticed that? H-he... he thought... he thought he was being so- so careful... a-ah. He'll have to do better then. Be better. This is a goal. Mondo must be happy.

He must.

His legs have stopped moving against his will and Mondo is looking at him with concern and the panic in his chest wants to rise up and consume him and— he pushes it down. He smiles. He lets out a soft laugh.

"You have nothing to fear, kyoudai! Every... everything I do with you, I do it because I want to. I- I... I want you to be happy. And if I can do something to cause your happiness, well... then I will! And that, my dear kyoudai, is a Kiyotaka Ishimaru guarantee!"

And it's funny. It's so close to the truth that he almost wants to cry.

He doesn't.

He smiles.

The smile turns strained when Mondo turns to look at him, eyes piercing, his arm leaving from around his shoulder slowly. W-what... had he... had he said something? Why... why is Mondo looking at him like that, like he- like he- oh no. O-oh dear. He has to- has to fix this, he has to... has to...

Mondo's hand drifts up and gently brushes against his temple, pushing back the hair that gathers there, a habit he seems to have picked up on recently. It's getting really long now, almost to his chin. He should... should cut it soon, he doesn't really like it being so long, it takes so much more effort to maintain, but... but Mondo likes it longer... how can he- he deny Mondo w-what he likes...?

"Shit man. If that's what ya want ta do, then hell. Ain't gonna force ya ta stop. But just... all I want is that you want it too... okay, Kiyo? Not just ta make me happy, but because ya genuinely wanna do what I wanna do. 'Cuz... shit, this is so fuckin' corny, goddamnit... whatever, fuck it. Uh. 'Cuz... seein' ya happy? That's what makes me happy. An' I just... I don't know if yer happy right now. Yer smilin' an' laughin' an' shit, but... Kiyo... are ya happy? I may be completely off base an' ya can hit me if I am, but just... shit man..."

Taka has to focus really hard to not stiffen up, his mind blanking and his hands going numb at Mondo's words. Mondo... Mondo... he noticed? H-he... he's noticed? No... n-no, n-n-no... no. He just... he hasn't noticed, he's just being insecure! Ha! Hahaha! Hahahahahaha!

Taka, he... he has to... has to rectify this, has to make it better, Mondo has to be happy, if Taka can just make him happy then- then this all... this all will be worth it, this pain and hurt and anguish and despair and... he has to... has to make this better, god, why can't he make this better? Why is he so pathetic? So worthless? S-so... so nothing?!

Taka can feel the frozen smile on his lips, and he forces it to soften. He laughs. It sounds brittle. Mondo is still looking at him, concern starting to rise on his face. Desperate, he reaches forward, and he wraps his arms around Mondo, holding him tight, too tight, but Mondo doesn't question it. Mondo just lets out a soft noise of surprise, before wrapping his arms around Taka and Taka- Taka...

Taka can almost pretend for one second that things are okay. That he... that he is okay. Breathing in Mondo's scent, cheap body wash and cinnamon breath mints and motor oil and... and he closes his eyes, buries his face in a broad chest, feels arms tight around him, safe and secure, and he can pretend. That this is enough for him. That this is more than enough for him. That he... that he doesn't want...

"Shit... Taka, you're trembling..."

He has to stop that. Stop being such a child, such a burden, such a... a... h-he has to do better, to be better, he... he...

"I-it's okay, kyoudai! I am perfectly okay! Just a little stress left over from the exams but being with you makes it better!"

Taka pulls back and he smiles, bright and happy. Mondo doesn't see the pain behind his eyes because he doesn't let Mondo see. Can't. Can't let Mondo see. Can't let anyone see, but Mondo most of all. Mondo gives him a long, lingering look, before he smiles, letting out a soft chuckle. Mondo's eyes are soft as they look at him, his smile lazy, and Taka...

Taka pushes everything away.

It's better this way.

"Alright, man. Then, shit. Sooner these fuckin' exams are over with, the better. Yer gonna do perfect, Taka, promise. Y'ain't got anythin' ta worry 'bout, okay? Shit, maybe we should go do somethin' together... get our minds off this shit. Hey, I know! We mentioned takin' a bath together some time, yeah? Maybe that'll help. Baths are soothin' an' shit, an' they help take yer mind off shit. I ain't taken a bath in a while, might be nice ta do that shit together, relax an' all that. What d'ya say? Tomorrow mornin', we take a bath? An' y'ain't gotta, Taka, if you don't wanna I won't be mad. S'just a thought, ya know?"

Taka keeps looking steadily at Mondo, his mouth frozen in a smile that he fights to keep loose and not tight, his mind racing with thoughts and feelings and fears.

Mondo... Mondo wants to take a bath... with him... n-naked? H-ha... haha... t-that's probably not a big deal. Nudity isn't a problem, he's never had a problem with nudity before, not his own or another person's, so why would this be a problem? It shouldn't be a problem. It shouldn't make his insides squirm; his breath want to hitch; feelings of panic and terror and desire crop up... it's a bath. There's nothing sexual or desirable about it. People take them all the time. Communal baths are common. He shouldn't... this shouldn't...

And it isn't. It isn't. Taka pushes aside the emotions, and he smiles at Mondo, nodding enthusiastically. Or... as enthusiastically as he can...

"Of course, kyoudai! That sounds like a great idea! It will be nice to take a bath and not have to worry about my stress so much! Thank you!"

The words are bright. Enthusiastic. Happy. Mondo looks at him for a long moment, eyes boring into him, and Taka keeps his face controlled, smile bright, loose. Easy.

Eventually Mondo looks away, a soft chuckle on his lips. When he looks back, his eyes are shining and there's that mysterious emotion there that Taka doesn't understand, can't understand, god, why can't he understand?

"Alright, cool, man. Awesome! Heh. Mornin' baths are the fuckin' best. We can go when we wake up tomorrow," Mondo says casually, still smiling. Taka pushes aside the way his heart clenches. He and Mondo have 'slept over' every day for the past week, ever since the day before Halloween. It's the end of the first week of November, bitter rain pounding outside, frigid temperatures giving the heaters at Hope's Peak a run for their money.

But when pressed tight to Mondo every night, the biker practically a furnace in his own right… warm and stifling and aching… the frigid night air has no hope of touching him; of assaulting him; of reaching him at all.

No, it isn't the night air that he has to worry about.

It's the ice that is forming inside him...

"Very well, my kyoudai! I shall look forward to it!"

Right... right...

Mondo chuckles again, and then his arm is back, wrapping tight around his shoulder again. He'd never quite realized how often Mondo touches him until a week ago. It's agony. He pushes it aside and smiles. He... he always smiles...

"Hell yeah! Anyway, wanna go an' do some homework or some shit? That fuckin' literature essay is due tomorrow an' she wants like, 1,000 fuckin' words. Shit. I've got 'bout 700, but I can't figure out how ta make that shit longer. Think ya can help?" Mondo asks, head tilted as he looks at him. Taka blinks. Homework? Ah, yes, that he knows... that he can do! He opens his mouth to agree, but then he remembers something.

Grimacing, Taka shakes his head slowly, feeling his insides clench with the fear of letting Mondo down... but he... he has to...

"Ah! I'm so sorry, kyoudai, but I have another appointment right now! My father has been very busy these past few weeks and I have been unable to talk to him at our usual time! He told me he has this afternoon off, though, so I was going to try and call him! With my new phone, it should be much easier! I- I'm so sorry, kyoudai... I..."

He can feel his throat tightening up and he tries to swallow it down but it's hard. Oh, god, is Mondo going to hate him now? Now that he isn't able to help him, now that he's not doing what Mondo needs, now that-

"Oh, nice! Yeah, that's okay Taka. Maybe we can meet up later, at the library or some shit?"

Taka blinks, before biting his lip, the anxiety and panic mounting. He... he should, he should... but he'd...

"A-ah! I'm so sorry! I told Hina I would do another study session later! I- I... I'm sorry!"

He can feel his chest tightening, can feel pressure behind his eyes. He fights it back. He fights it back. He fights it back because it's not helpful, it will just make Mondo worry, he can't make Mondo feel worried, he can't, he has to- he has to-

Taka starts when he feels gentle fingers brush across his temple again, causing him to look up with wide eyes. He'd not felt Mondo move, hadn't felt him remove his arm again. H-he... he should have felt that, noticed that, why didn't he...?

"Hey, it ain't that big a deal, Kiyo. I can figure this shit out on my own, don't worry 'bout it, okay?" Mondo mutters, looking him deep in the eye, worry bright in those lavender ones. And Taka... he... he can't... he's supposed to help, to be the dedicated one, the helpful one, what is he if he isn't, what is he if not- "Ya said ya have a study session tonight, though, yeah? Is it individual, or could I tag along? Again, I can do it myself if I can't, ya don't hafta worry-"

"Yes!" Taka exclaims, his chest clenching for reasons he doesn't even understand. He smiles, laughs, and it hurts, but it makes the worry in Mondo's eyes fade, so it's worth it. This is worth it. It's all... it's all worth it... "That's a wonderful idea! I believe Hina is telling the others to come to the session, so it is not individual! Aha, I should have thought of that myself... I- I'm sorry..."

He hears Mondo sigh, the teen shaking his head forcefully, giving him a hard stare.

"Stop apologizin'," Mondo growls softly, with meaning. O-oh no... oh dear, he'd messed up again, how could he have done that, what is wrong with him, what is wrong with him, why can't he be better, why can't he do anything right, what is wrong with him- "It's not a problem, kyoudai. Y'ain't gotta worry, okay? Just... shit. Whatever, man. I'll let ya talk ta yer da. I'm gonna... whatever. See ya later."

Mondo shakes his head again, his lips pulled down in a grimace as he stumbles back and heads off down the hall, his shoulders tense. Taka stares after him, his eyes wide, heart squeezing painfully in his chest and he- he- he-

He takes a deep breath and looks down at his hands.

Why does he ruin everything he tries? Why can't he just... why can't he just be what people need him to be? Why is he so weak, weak, weak, why can't he just push this all aside, why can't he just be happy for once in his life? He has everything he's ever wanted; he has friends, he has people who care about him, so what if it's not what he wants, so what if he wants more, who gave him the right to want more, who gave him the right to want anything, who told him he's allowed to have anything? Who told him he's allowed to have anything?

No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No one. No o-

So, he won't. He will push down this stupid feeling, he will smile, and he will stop wanting more. He's not allowed to want more. To be discontent. This is the life he was given. This is the life he has to live. And it's good, it's so good! He... people don't hate him, people like him, value him, he has friends! He has friends! Why isn't that enough for him? Why can't he just be happy? He doesn't understand why... why he can't... why...

(Why can't Mondo just love him? What is so wrong with him that Mondo... that he can't... that he... is he just... that unlovable...? Ha. It's not a surprise... not even his... not even his father loves... not even... his mother...)

Taka blinks when he sees a drop of water hit his palm and he lifts a shaking hand to his cheek and feels liquid there. Oh. He's crying. Of course. He's so pathetic, of course he'd cry, of course he would be crying, of course, of course, of course, of course, of course, of cour-

Taka scrubs the tears away roughly, not caring that it hurts. He wants to claw his eyes out. Pathetic things. Refusing to stop leaking. He's better than this. He is Kiyotaka Ishimaru, he doesn't have time to cry. Doesn't have time to feel sad or upset or hurt.

He has to complete his goals.

He must.

He will.

He forces his legs forward stiffly, the appendages shaking as he forces them onward. But he can't stop. He can't afford to stop. He must... he must keep moving. He wants to smile, to ensure the eyes watching him don't notice anything, but he can't. He can't. Instead, he makes his face a steel mask, hard and sharp. Not sad. Not hurting. Purposeful and important. He must... it's better than people seeing him cry.

He doesn't run into anyone on his way to his room, not even any older students, and he can't help the sigh of relief he lets out once he's in his room, his shoulders relaxing from the stiff line he's been holding them in. He knows he shouldn't, knows that the eyes are still on him, but he just- he needs a moment. Just one. He promises, he promises, he'll be better, he'll do better, he promises, he just needs one moment, god, please...

His eyes shoot up and he looks at the shining motorcycle on his counter.

He wants to cry.

He doesn't.

He heads over to his desk, and he sits heavily on the chair. He sits for a second, trying to stop his hands from shaking, breathing deep. Once he's managed to get it all under control, the emotions shoved neatly back on their shelves, he takes out his phone and blinks at the numerous messages he finds there. O-oh... he hadn't felt it buzz... he has to get better about these things, he'd hate to make people wait for him...

All of the messages are from the group chat that Hina had set up a little while ago for their friend group. Hina, Sakura, Sayaka, Chihiro, Makoto, Kyoko, and of course, Mondo. There are also a couple others, such as Kuwata and, surprisingly, Hagakure. Taka is still tutoring him, after all, so while they are not really friends, Hina had added the flighty 'clairvoyant' to the group anyway.

He reads the messages.

It's about the study session.

From: Hina: hi guys! taka is gonna have another study sesion 2day! b sure 2 cum 2 the libry 2nite if u wanna pass ur exams!

From: Sayaka: OMG, yesssss. that will be awsome! thnks, Taka!

From: Chihiro: Oh, that sounds nice! What time should we arrive?

From: Hina: ... um... i don't know... oopsy!

From: Sakura: We forgot to ask for a time. Taka, do you have a preferred time for the session? Hina and I are going out for dinner tonight at 6:00, so preferably before then, if you can.

From: Makoto: Oh cool can I come to the session to? I have a meeting with, um... someone at 5:00 but Im free ny toehe time

From: Makoto: *any *other lol

That was the last message, and it seems to have been from about four minutes before. Biting his lip gently, he clicks on the app and starts typing, not wanting to force them to wait any longer for him.

To: Best Friends Fureverrrrr 3 3 3:

Hello!

I am free any time tonight! Perhaps 4:00 would work best? I currently have an appointment and am not sure how long it will take! But I am amenable to anything!

Sincerely,

Taka.

There. That... that sounded good, yes? It's currently 3:08, and he doesn't know how long his meeting with his father will take. He supposes he could schedule the study session for 3:45, as he doubts his call to his father will take that long, but he hates scheduling on quarters... it makes judging length of sessions a lot more confusing... but he will if they want! He- he will do anything if they want...

He jumps when he feels his phone buzz, reading the words with a sinking heart.

From: Leon: dude. stp typng lik a fckn schlr or whtvr. its mbearsing, lol.

O-oh dear! Did he do something wrong? He has to admit, he doesn't quite understand what Kuwata had said, but he can tell it's derogatory based on, well... the fact that it's Kuwata, really.

Before he can write back a reply, apologizing for whatever mistake he made, his phone buzzes again, with a new message.

From: Sayaka: Leon! stop bein men! Taka can writ how he wants. and Taka, 4 works fine! thanks again! Xoxoxoxo

Taka blinks at the message, his cheeks flushing. Ah, he knows what xoxo means, it's a sign of affection, yes? Maybe he didn't bother them too much, then...

His phone buzzes again, several more messages popping up in quick succession.

From: Makoto: Yeh, 4 works! And dont worry abut Leon Taka youre writing is fine! Thanks!

From: Makoto: *about lol.

From: Hina: hi taka! yeah, leon is just a big meanie, dont worry but him. sakura and I think 4 works fine. see you guys then! yayayayay! ill bring sum donuts!

From: Kyoko: I will arrive at 4:00. See you all then.

From: Leon: sht dude, whtvr. sry. jst wird s all.

His phone stops buzzing then, everyone seeming done with sending messages. Taka blinks down at the phone, biting his lip still. Should he... reply? He erases the message he had been about to send earlier and stares at the screen, thinking about what to write.

Before he gets a chance, though, another message pops up. This group chat sure doesn't allow him a lot of time to think before writing, does it...?

From: Kyoudai 3: yh 4 wrks. c u thn, Kyoudai.

Taka stares at the new message, his heart clenching. Mondo had explained a little while ago that he usually uses what is considered 'text speech' because it's easier with his cheap flip phone than trying to write out full words, so Taka has learned to live with it whenever he has to text the biker and, if he's being honest, he doesn't really mind it too much. He also doesn't bother the teen about it anymore (not that he would, Mondo can do whatever he wants, if it makes him happy). It's just... something that makes Mondo, well... Mondo.

Still... seeing that the biker had taken the time to not only spell out kyoudai, but to capitalize it too...? It makes his chest ache, and he has to put the phone down for a second to breathe deep and even to calm himself.

Once he feels composed enough, he opens the chat (named by Hina, who had grabbed his phone last week and changed the name, and since he doesn't know how to change it back, he supposes he's stuck with it) and types out his message.

To: Best Friends Fureverrrrr 3 3 3:

Hello!

I am glad that 4:00 works out for you all! I shall see you all then! 3 (Hina taught me how to do that! It's a heart, see!)

Sincerely,

Taka.

Smiling, almost meaning it for once, Taka is about to click out of the app, knowing he has to call his father soon (their appointment is at 3:15, since that time works best for his father, and he would hate to inconvenience the man anymore). Before he can, though, the phone buzzes again, the reply unexpected.

From: Kyoudai 3: ur adorable Kyoudai. c u thn.

Taka's heart begins to race as he looks at the words, his breath shuddering as he zeros in on the word 'adorable'. Mondo... Mondo doesn't like spelling out words fully in text form. He... he prefers abbreviations and shorthand... why... why would he-

But this is pointless to think about. Why Mondo wrote it doesn't matter. Besides, it's 3:14 now and he has to call his father at 3:15 sharp or else he'll be late. And he's never late. He can't afford to be.

Clicking out of the texting app and into the cellular phone app, he scrolls through the— surprisingly numerous— contacts until he finds his father's number. He presses the phone to his ear, biting his lip as he does so. It's a nervous habit of his. He should stop doing it, it's unprofessional. His father hates when he does it. He stops biting his lip.

"Hello, Takaaki Ishimaru speaking. Who is this?"

Taka's heart clenches again. His father forgot they were supposed to talk again, didn't he...? T-that's okay! Taka... Taka doesn't mind... h-he understands. His father is a busy man, after all...

"Ah! Father, it is me! Your son, Kiyotaka! You... you said we could talk now! Is this... is this a bad time?"

Silence echoes through the phone, before he hears his father let out a soft curse.

"Ah, shoot. I'm sorry, Kiyotaka, I forgot. No, it's a good time. The time just slipped away from me, you know how it is. This case... it's a killer. Literally, aha... ahem, anyway. How is school going? Are you keeping your grades up?"

Taka latches onto the topic and he runs with it. He tells his father all about his classes and the exams they have been taking this week. He talks about his studying and his homework regimen. It's when he gets to the study sessions that he's been organizing that his father speaks up, slight exasperation clear in the tone. O-oh... he's been... been talking too much again, hasn't he...? He'd just been... so excited to talk to his father again that he... he'd forgotten...

"Ah, that all sounds very, er... nice, Kiyotaka. During these study sessions, do you meet any cute girls? You know, I was around your age when I met your mother. A little younger, even. Love at first sight, it was, though it took me ages to gain the courage to ask her out… aha. Have you had any thoughts about finding someone, maybe settling down?"

Taka's stomach churns at the question, which is not a new one. It's one his father asks a lot, every so often. He doesn't... he doesn't know why his father doesn't remember that he's focusing on school at the moment, that he's not interested in... in dating...

(Well. That's a lie. He's just not interested in dating anyone his father would approve of. Not to mention anyone who would ever want to date him, in return...)

Figuring it might be best to tell his father what he wants to hear, he forces a smile on his face, even though he knows his father can't see it.

"A-ah... perhaps! I- I told you about my, um... my friends, yes? W-well! There are quite a few girls in my friend group! Hina and Sakura are dating, so there is no interest there, but Sayaka and Chihiro are available! As is Kyoko! I'm... I'm not interested in dating a-at the moment... b-but perhaps-! One day! Ahaha!"

His father chuckles, which settles his stomach a little. W-well... it seems he'd said something right...

"Ah, that's good to hear! And don't put it off too long, Kiyotaka, you hear me? You don't want to end up a grumpy, lonely old man! Aha!"

Yes... yes, aha! His father is so wise! Hahahaha! Ha...

"Aha! Yes, father, I will- I will keep that in mind! Thank you most fervently for your outstanding advice!"

Silence follows his loud (too loud, what is wrong with him, why can't he just learn to stop being so stupid, god) words, his father's breathing on the other side being the only indication that their phone call didn't get disconnected. He tightens his hold on his phone, trying desperately to think of something— anything— to say. He... he doesn't want to hang up already, it's not even been ten minutes, and it's been weeks since he last spoke to his father, he... he...

"Ah... want to hear about my, er... my case?"

Taka latches onto his father's words and replies that he 'absolutely would, father!' His father pauses for a brief second, before launching into a story about work, describing the case he's working on, a double murder case that has been slowly getting trickier and trickier. Taka, despite the fact he's never much cared for murder cases, listens with rapt attention. After all, his father is speaking! He must be a good son and listen!

At least ten minutes pass before his father finishes, the awkward silence returning. With it comes the acute ache in his chest, the knowledge that their conversation is about to end. They've run out of topics and now... now it's time to say goodbye. It... it's only been twenty minutes, he...

"Ah. Kiyotaka, I think it- well. It may be time to say goodbye. I have things to do, and I'm sure you do, too. Perhaps you can talk to one of those girls you mentioned! Aha! It's never too late to start making an effort with the ladies, my son! ... ha. So... I shall talk to you later? I'm not sure when, my schedule is going to be awfully busy... I'll send you an email with a good time for me, alright?"

Taka listens to the words with a dispassionate heart, staring blankly at his desk. Yes. Of course. It's time to... time to say goodbye. Makoto talks to his family for an hour every night, never lacking things to talk about, his family happy and excited to spend time with their son and brother. He and his father can't even make it twenty minutes after weeks of silence. Of course.

His eyes move to his mother's photo.

Why... why does he bother? Why is he such a burden? W-why can't he just- just grow up and stop bothering his father who clearly doesn't want to talk to you anyway, god, Kiyotaka, just grow the hell up already. No one likes you, no one loves you, you're going to die, alone and unloved, and the world will not mourn you. Not even your father can stand talking to you, how could you ever expect anyone else to? Your friends only want you for what you can give them, and the minute that is gone, they will toss you aside like the useless garbage you are. You don't deserve the good things you have, you don't deserve the friends you have, you deserve nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. Nothing but pain, and misery, and sorrow, and you may have tricked people into thinking there's something worthwhile about you, but they will learn the truth soon enough. Learn that you are disgusting, and wrong, and immoral, so immoral, how can you masquerade as the Ultimate Moral Compass when your very existence is a sin? How can you expect anyone to care about you at all when you are ga-

"Er... Kiyotaka? Are you still there?"

"Do you love me?"

The words are out of his mouth before he can stop them. They escape in a gasp, his chest aching so bad he wants to cry, wants to cry, like the pathetic child that he is he wants to cry. God, why did he say that? Now his father is going to hate him, is going to despise him, how could he do this, why couldn't he have just grown up and stopped acting like this, god-

"What?! What the hell kind of question is that Kiyotaka?! What have I told you about asking stupid questions?! Now, I don't have time for your nonsense. If there isn't anything else, I'm going to hang up now. I have better thing to do than- than to be asked such pointless questions. Well?!"

Oh... oh.

Oh.

"N-no... no sir. That is all."

His voice is flat. Expressionless. His father doesn't notice.

His father doesn't care.

He… he never does…

"Fine. Goodbye. I'll send you an email when I have the time. Don't get your hopes up, things are still busy around here."

With that, the line goes dead, the sound of dial tone buzzing in his ear. He doesn't notice. He stares, eyes dull and dead, at the smiling, happy, alive face of his mother.

(It's his fault she's dead. It should have been him. Not her. He was the worthless one, the one no one understands, the one no one wants. The one everyone hates. His father would be happy if it had been him. He wouldn't miss Taka. Not the way he misses Taka's mother.)

He didn't say it. He never does. Pointless questions, indeed. Useless, pointless questions... don't waste time with stupid questions, Kiyotaka. No one has time for that.

No one cares.

Taka can feel the pressure build behind his eyes, his throat thick and painful, but he pushes it down, down, down. He doesn't have time to cry. He's meeting with his- his... his classmates in less than twenty-five minutes and he has to get his things ready for the study session. He has to make sure he helps them with their schoolwork, their exam prep. It's what they expect from him, and he can't let them down. He can't let them down.

He lets everyone down.

He can't let them down.

So, he stands, legs mechanic and stiff, and marches around his room, picking up the supplies he will need. Textbooks. Class books. His notes. He opens his notebooks and marks the pertinent pages his fr- his... his classmates... will need. If his hands shake, he forces them to stop. If his eyes blur, he pushes it down. He can't afford to break down. Not now. Not when he has so much to lose. Not when...

Not when he's still so far from his goals.

It takes him eight minutes to finish getting his things together. He's too slow. Too weak. Too pathetic. He should have gone faster, should have done more. Does he think this will impress his- his classmates? Stupid notes, bookmarked textbooks... this isn't enough. It's not nearly enough, he has to show them he's worth their time, he has to show them he's not the pathetic trash that he is, he has to... has to... has to do more… has to- has to be more... god, he... h-he...

A tear falls down his cheek.

He angrily scrubs it away.

No more tears follow.

He won't allow them.

Taking several deep, calming breaths, Taka closes his eyes and calms the furious shaking his body seems to want to do. He pushes all the thoughts and emotions and feelings away. He should have known better than to ask such a stupid question. His father was right to get angry. He should know better. He does know better. If he would just stop being so pathetic, maybe things would stop being so bad. It's all his fault and it's all up to him to fix it. He knows this. He knows this.

Maybe he should ask Chihiro out. Maybe that would make his father happy.

Hm... but then... it would make Chihiro upset.

Best not to risk it.

When he opens his eyes, he feels calmer. More collected. He walks over to his mirror and he smiles. It looks almost normal. Still terrifying, but that's just his face. He can't fix that. Not today, at least. His eyes are a little red around the sclera, making his red irises brighter, somehow. More terrifying. Maybe he should try color contacts... maybe that would make it better. He doesn't want to offend his mother's memory, though... he'll think about it.

Taka turns from the mirror and heads to the counter, and grabs the worn satchel he put his study supplies in. He slides it over his chest. His hair falls into his eyes. He frowns.

He heads to the bathroom and he grabs some hair gel, sliding his hair back so it stays in place. He looks at the mirror. It's not his usual spiky hair style, it's more... severe. Unyielding. He hates it, but he's out of time. He needs to get to the library first, so he can get his supplies ready. He shoots one last look at his reflection, a pang of absolute loathing filling him at the sight he is met with, and then he walks away. It's not important.

He doesn't let himself think about anything as he walks to the library. His feet are made of lead, his heart is made of stone, and his face is made of steel. No one bothers him as he strides quickly onward, no one even looks at him. Good. Good.

Good.

It takes him about five minutes to get to the library. He should have been faster. Pathetic.

It's as he's about to open the library door and enter that he hears it. He blinks, frowning. It sounds like...

"P-please... please leave me alone... I- I have to meet my friends at t-t-the library soon... I'm not interested-"

"Aw, babe, c'mon! Stop playing so hard ta get, it's such an unattractive trait in a woman. Listen. Just one date. Just one! I'll show you a good time, promise. Heh, then maybe you can show me a good time, know what I mean?"

"N-no... I- I- I'm good, t-thanks! Um... please... please leave me alone..."

"Babe, c'mon, quit joking around. You're not really gonna reject me in front of my friends, are you?! Just stop being so fricken frigid-"

"S-stop! P-p-please, I- I d-don't-"

It's around this time that Taka jolts out of the shocked stupor he'd found himself falling into, his legs marching him resolutely towards the sound of the two people. It... it sounds like... no, it can't be...

"Chihiro?" Taka calls out, rounding the corner and blinking at the sight he is met with.

The first thing he notices is that there are about three teenagers, all in grades higher than him, surrounding the form of someone who is much smaller. He doesn't really know all the student's names, but he does know that he's given each of them many detention slips for causing disruptions in the hallways.

Two of the teenagers are off to the side, their arms crossed as they look at their friend with smug smirks, snickering lightly. Standing by the wall— his arm leaning against it— is the third teenager, this one larger and clearly the group's ringleader. If Taka is correct, he believes his name is... Akio? He's not sure what his Ultimate Talent is, but it makes him strut through the halls like he owns the place, smirking at everyone he passes. He's part of the graduating class this year, which means that he cares even less about rules and regulations than the younger years do. Taka has a deep dislike of the teenager, to tell the truth.

Said dislike is only made deeper when he sees that yes, he is correct. The poor girl that these teenagers are bothering is, indeed, Chihiro, who is cowering against the wall, trying to get as far away from the ringleader as she can.

At his voice, he sees the girl look up, a look of utter relief on her face.

"T-Taka! H-hello!" she peeps, before cringing back against the wall, the boy growling as he looks back at Taka with anger and frustration in his eyes.

"Ah, dang it, not the fricken Hall Monitor. Yo, ain't nothing for you to worry about here. I'm not doing anything against the rules. Not like I can't talk to a girl, can I? Now get out of here, I'm in the middle of something!"

Taka feels his body stiffen at the words, his mouth turning down in a frown. Because technically- er. Technically, he is correct. While he is clearly harassing Chihiro, he's not really doing anything against the rules. He and his friends are off to the side of the hallway, not blocking anyone, and they're not yelling, either. Nor are they cursing or doing anything else that would count as a disruption. And even though he can tell Chihiro is uncomfortable, he can't say for sure that she is against the actions, not at the moment. Technically speaking, they're doing nothing wrong.

But Taka has always been of the mind that while the letter of the law is important, the spirit of it is important, too. And while these teens may not be breaking the letter of the law, they certainly are violating the spirit of it!

Despite the churning in his gut, Taka straightens his back and puts his hands on his hips, giving his best 'disapproving stare' he can manage. It is his specialty, after all…

"I do not believe that Chihiro wishes for your advances! I ask that you step away from her immediately!"

Taka can hear the ringleader let out another frustrated growl, a glare of annoyance on his face. Chihiro cowers against the wall further, looking utterly miserable. The feeling of unease grows in Taka's gut, but he can't focus on it, not when the ringleader starts talking again.

"The heck would you know if a girl wants advances or not? Gay freaks like you can't understand the subtlety of a woman. Now get outta here! Run back ta your little boyfriend and let the real men handle things."

Taka can feel his body freeze at the words, his breath coming out in uneven gasps as they reverberate around in his skull. G-gay? He... he's not... w-well, he supposes he is, regretfully, reluctantly, but how... how did they... they can't know, they're just trying to- to rile him, he c-can't- he can't let them w-win...

"I- I- I don't know- I don't know what you mean! I am- I am not- I... I do not have a boyfriend, what do you-"

His shaking words are cut off by the three teens laughing, the cruel sound cutting into the heart of him, making him gasp. In his mind's eye, he can see the boy and his friends, standing around him, looking down, laughing and cruel. He hears the words 'there's something wrong with you, you disgusting freak!' ring through his ears and he can't help the way his chest constricts, everything so much, too much, and he can't... he can't...

"You really expect us ta believe that, you freaking f*g? You dangle your disgusting relationship in all of our faces! Never woulda expected someone as tough as Mondo freaking Owada ta go for a dude, let alone one as uptight and frigid as you, but eh, guess you just don't know people. Heh, or what, maybe you give good head or something? Maybe you can show me sometime, make a good use of that big mouth of yours. Oh wait, I remember. I ain't a gay freak like you!"

Taka can feel the pressure behind his eyes mounting, can feel the tightness in his throat growing tighter. He can't breathe, he can't breathe, he's trying to push it all down, but he can't, god, he can't, why- why can't he just push passed it, why do these comments matter, why is he so pathetic, so weak, so nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing-

"H-hey! L-leave him alone! He hasn't- hasn't done anything to you!" he hears Chihiro stammer out, the girl standing taller as she glares at the ringleader. She quails back again, though, when the teen turns back to her, a leer on his face as he leans in close.

"Oooh, babe, you're so hot when you try and fight back. But don't worry about a freak like that, he don't matter. Now c'mon, I'm not gonna ask you again. I'm not taking no for an answer. You will go out with me. You got that?"

Taka can see the fear on Chihiro's face, the misery and pain, and he wants to help her. He wants to tell the ringleader to stop, to go away, to leave her alone, but he's so weak, weak, weak, and he can't force his voice to work, his throat so painfully tight he can't make it open. He is helpless to do more than watch as Chihiro cries out, the ringleader leaning down again and tugging a strand of her hair, which is a violation of the school rules, he's not allowed to touch someone without permission, he could make the teenager stop if he could just find his goddamn voice-

"Hey! What the fuck is goin' on here?!"

Everyone in the hallway turns— almost as one— to face the direction that the loud shout came from, varying degrees of shock on their faces. Taka feels a ragged gasp escape his throat when he sees the irate biker round the corner, his eyes like storm-clouds, growing darker when they take in the scene before him. Taka has never been happier to see Mondo so furious before, the teenagers quailing and backing away as they take in the— frankly quite terrifying— sight of a 6'2, 168 pound, absolutely furious biker bearing down on them.

"The fuck do ya fuckers think yer doin', huh?! Answer me, ya jackasses!"

The ringleader's two friends take one look at each other before they book it, leaving their friend behind. The ringleader, now realizing he's all alone against the biker, holds his hands up, laughing nervously.

"H-hey! M-Mondo! C'mon man, was just having a bit of fun! Trying ta, you know, score a date with this fricken wall flower, heard girls like her are great in bed, y-you know? Too bad she's so fricken frigid and pathetic, ain't worth the effort, really. S-so, heh, n-no need ta get all worked up! H-heh..."

Mondo snarls and strides forward, lifting the teen easily with one hand and practically slamming him into the wall, getting up close and personal as he growls in the teen's face. Taka can only watch in shock, eyes wide, as the teen lets out a high-pitched scream, his trousers getting suspiciously darker...

"Listen here, ya fuckin' goddamn piece a' shit! Y'ain't worth dog shit, let alone a chick as nice as Chihiro! Ya need ta learn some fuckin' respect, an' I'm gonna fuckin' pound it inta yer fuckin' skull, ya asshole!"

Mondo pulls back his arm then, his hand clenched into a tight fist, and Taka realizes what is about to happen. Finding his voice for the first time, Taka cries out, his voice wavering horribly but still audible.

"M-M-Mondo! S-stop! P-please!"

Taka isn't sure why he says that. It's not like he cares at all what happens to the other teen, as callous as that sounds. He just... he just knows that fighting on school grounds is against school policy. Even after Taka spoke with the headmaster and got the numerous detentions that he'd issued to Mondo reversed, the biker is still in hot water with the school, the headmaster and board of supervisors not very happy with his conduct (which is ridiculous to him, considering that they had invited Mondo to this school, knowing full well what his Ultimate Talent is. What else would they expect from the Ultimate Biker Gang Leader?)

Still, Taka is afraid that if Mondo does this... if he does this, this will be the last straw and he will be asked to leave and how will Taka be able to achieve his goal then? H-how will he... he... he see Mondo then? If they're not- not in the same school, then... how...

Taka is torn from his thoughts when he hears Mondo growl, and Taka has a moment to feel afraid that Mondo won't listen to him, that he's going to fight the other teen anyway and he'll be helpless to stop it. But then he watches, eyes wide and heart stuttering, as Mondo tosses the teen to the side, the teen scrambling to stand even as Mondo approaches him.

"Yer fuckin' lucky Taka is here, or ya'd be nothin' more than a brown little shit stain marrin' this fuckin' school. Shit, like y'ain't already! Now, this is yer only fuckin' warnin'. Ya come near Chihiro or Taka again, an' I'm gonna make ya wish ya were never fuckin' born. Ya hear me, you goddamn shit stain?!"

The teen looks up at Mondo with wide, terrified eyes. He nods frantically and starts running down the halls, gait a little awkward from the, er... accident he had. The teen stops halfway down the hall, though, and turns back, a look of absolute hatred on his face, mixed with the terror he still clearly feels.

"Y-you may talk big, Owada, but I know you ain't shit! You're nothing but a fucking f*gg*t, screwing that Hall Monitor ta get outta trouble! At least I ain't a fucking freak like you!"

Mondo lets out a howl of rage at the words, his eyes black with anger, and he gets into a running stance, body turned to chase the teen and— most likely— teach him a lesson. Before he can, however, he is stopped by the sound of crying coming from the wall. Taka looks over and feels his heart ache at the sight of Chihiro crying softly, her hands by her mouth, trying to stifle the tears but unable to. Mondo takes one look at her and then looks back at the teen, still running down the halls. A look of conflict comes over him, before he growls softly, getting out of the running stance.

"Yeah, ya better fuckin' run ya coward! I ever see ya again, yer fuckin' dead! The Crazy Diamonds ain't gonna let this shit slide, ya goddamn motherfucker!"

With that said (or shouted at the top of his lungs, but Taka is too much in shock to even notice it, let alone take offense by it), Mondo turns back to Chihiro, his face visibly softening, even if the rage is still clear in his eyes and his posture. The biker raises his hands to show that he's not going to hurt her, a crooked and twisted smile on his face that almost looks more like a grimace.

"Aw, shit. Uh, c'mon Chihiro, don't, uh... don't cry. Shit stains like that ain't worth yer tears. I ain't gonna hurt ya, y'ain't got nothin' ta worry 'bout. That's it, don't, uh... cry... shit," Mondo mutters, looking back at Taka, clueless as to how to help the crying girl. Taka, still in shock from the events of the last five minutes, just shakes his head dumbly, no clue of how to make anything better. He never does... he just- just makes everything worse...

Luckily, before things can get any worse, they hear the sound of loud footsteps coming down the hall, and then Hina and Sakura are there, their faces lined with concern.

"What happened?! We were headed to the library for our study session, and then we heard Mondo yelling! Is everyone alright?" Hina exclaims, her eyes wide and her mouth turned down into a worried frown. When she sees Chihiro crying, she gasps and rushes over to the girl, practically pushing Mondo out of the way. "Mondo! What did you do?!"

Mondo gives the girl a look of surprised disbelief, before looking at the rest of them with his hands raised in innocence.

"What, me?! I didn't do shit! Well, other than scare that fuckin' shit stain away!" Mondo exclaims, before settling into an explanation after he gets twin looks of confusion. "Yeah, some fuckin' twelfth year piece a' shit thought he could get away with intimidating' a date outta Chihiro. When I came here, he was tellin' her that he 'wouldn't take no fer an answer', goddamn piece a' shit. Taka stopped me 'fore I could teach him a lesson, but then he thought he could fuckin' get smart with me. I ain't lettin' that shit slide. Don't worry Taka, I ain't gonna do it at school an' it won't get traced back ta me, but I'm gonna make sure that shit stain knows his fuckin' place. Ain't no one disrespect the Crazy Diamonds like that, goddamn."

Mondo finishes his rant with a soft growl, which just makes Chihiro yelp in fright, more tears leaking down her face. Hina turns to glare at the biker, a pout on her lips.

"Mondo! Stop yelling, you're scaring Chi!"

Mondo grimaces at the reprimand, a hand rising to rub the back of his neck awkwardly.

"Ah, shit, sorry Chi. Didn't mean ta scare ya. Just hate assholes like that, ya know? Ain't fuckin' right fer a dude ta bully a chick like that. My bro made sure I knew that. Ya respect women, an' if they say no, ya fuckin' accept it. Ta go an' try ta intimidate a small an' weak chick like Chi... shit makes my blood boil."

Chihiro lets out another sob at the words, which makes Mondo wince again. He looks at her with a look of awkwardness, the biker clearly not knowing how to handle the crying girl. Hina is still glaring at him, which Taka thinks is a bit unfair. It's not Mondo's fault she's crying... and if Taka had just done his job, instead of letting what the teen said get to him, none of this would have happened...

"Ah, shit. Don't... don't cry, Chi, s'okay. Not yer fault. Girls are just naturally weaker. That's why guys hafta protect 'em."

That gets Sakura's attention, the martial artist glowering at Mondo as she rises to her full height, her eyes practically on fire as she glares. Uh oh...

"What is that supposed to mean? Women can be just as strong as men, Mondo Owada, and I thought you would have realized that by now," Sakura practically growls, sounding the angriest Taka has ever heard her. He watches as Mondo lifts his hands again, a sheepish look on his face.

"Present company excluded, a' course! I just mean... ya know. In general. Any guy who raises a hand ta a chick is fuckin' scum, and any guy who refuses ta leave a chick alone is just as bad. S'all," Mondo explains, before looking back at Chihiro with another grimace on his face. He does his best to smile, though, when Chihiro looks up at him with big, watery eyes, and softens his voice. "Hey... c'mon now. I ain't gonna hurt ya. Tell ya what, I'll stop yellin', okay? An' I'll do my best ta not yell 'round ya again. That's a man's promise, which means I gotta keep it. Okay? So, uh... stop cryin'? Please?"

Chihiro looks at him with her wide eyes for a few seconds, before nodding quickly, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand, though her lips are still wobbling. The smile she tries to give is weak because of it and it dies after a second.

"O-oh... t-thank you, M-Mondo... I'm- I'm not upset at you, don't worry... I- I'm upset at myself... I should have been stronger... I hate how weak I am... I- I should have been able to fight back, to stop him- t-to stop him from doing that. A-and T-Taka... I'm so sorry... what he said to you... a-are you okay?" Chihiro asks, looking up at Taka with round, watery eyes.

Taka feels himself stiffen as all eyes fall on him, concern written on all of their faces. Taka doesn't have the time to stammer out a reply, however, before Mondo lets out another growl, his eyes dark again.

"Wait, that shit stain said somethin' ta ya, Taka? What the goddamn fuck did he say?! I'll fuckin' kill him!" Mondo growls, storming over to Taka, body tense and angry. His hands, however, are kind and gentle when they touch him, like always, feather light as they brush his side. Taka shudders and cringes back, though, like he'd been struck, shaking his head. No... n-no, he can't... h-he can't... people think- god, people think- that he- that Mondo- n-no...

"N-no! I-it- it's fine! Don't... don't worry about me, Chihiro, kyoudai, I- I'm- I'm fine," he lies, his body still shaking from the aftereffects of... well, everything, really. Mondo is still looking at him with concern, the anger fading as he moves forward again, looking at him with soft, reverent eyes, his lips curling up into a gentle smile. Taka can still see the anger and rage in the stiffness of his shoulders, but he's doing his best to hide it... f-for him...

"Hey... hey, Taka, it's okay, bro. Whatever that shit stain said don't matter, okay? He's a waste a' goddamn space an' he ain't worth yer mind, okay? I'll make sure he knows ta never bother any a' us again. Y'ain't got nothin' ta worry 'bout, Kiyo. I ain't gonna let him talk ta ya like that ever again. An' that's a promise."

A-ah... Mondo... his voice is soft, tender, meant for Taka and Taka alone. The girls are doing their best to look away, though he doesn't know if they can hear or not, but it doesn't matter. Mondo doesn't seem to care, his eyes only on Taka, like he... like he's the only thing in- in the entire... entire universe, god, why... why does he keep looking at him like this, why...

"Y-you shouldn't... shouldn't hurt him, kyoudai... v-violence-"

"Taka," Mondo interrupts firmly, shaking his head slightly, mouth turned down in a grimace again. "Some people need ta get lessons beaten inta their goddamn skulls. That shit stain is just gonna keep doin' shit like this 'til someone makes him pay. Don't worry 'bout it, though. Ain't yer concern. Won't do it anywhere near school, promise. Don't ask me not ta, though. I can't let what he said ta me slide, if nothin' else. Got my reputation, ya know? Can't have him sayin' shit like that ta me without payin' him back in kind. Otherwise, people are gonna think I'm gettin' soft, an' I can't afford ta let shit like that happen. Not with how many fuckin' enemies I got, shit. But I ain't gonna tell ya 'bout it. Don't wanna worry ya. Just... don't think 'bout it. Please?"

Taka takes several ragged breaths, Mondo's eyes intent on him and he... he can't... he can't focus, he can't think, he doesn't want Mondo to get in trouble, doesn't want him to leave, he...

"Don't get caught, p-please kyoudai... I- I can't lose you..." he whispers, so soft that he isn't even sure Mondo can hear it.

But he does. He does. He always does.

With a small smile, Mondo leans down and carefully presses his forehead to Taka's— taking care to be mindful of his pompadour— raising a hand to cup his cheek gently.

"I ain't goin' nowhere, Taka. I know how ta do shit like this without it ever gettin' traced back ta me. Just... trust me. I know what I'm doin'. And I would never do anythin' that would make me leave you. Not a goddamn thing. And that... that's a promise."

Taka gasps again, everything in him feeling fluttery. It hurts, especially when Mondo's smile widens, his eyes crinkling with it, looking so beautiful that Taka can't think, can't breathe, can't... can't...

"O-okay. I still don't think that violence is the answer... but I trust you, kyoudai. Do what you think is best."

Mondo chuckles and lingers for a moment, holding Taka gently, eyes liquid soft and shining silver. After the moment ends, Mondo pulls back, looking at the girls with slightly pink cheeks, but he doesn't try and deflect. Not even when Hina squeals softly, unable to contain her enthusiasm over... something. Sakura is obviously trying to look away, to give them privacy still, but she has her usual half smile on her lips. Even Chihiro is smiling a little, though the tear drops are still clinging to her eyelashes and her lips still wobble occasionally.

Taka finds himself flushing at the attention, hating how they're all looking at them, like they... like they're... b-because they're not. They're not, and if Mondo knew... if he knew that that is what people believe them to be, he... he would...

"O-oh... it's 4:05... w-we're late for the study session... I- I'm sorry guys... s-should we just... cancel it? I was looking forward to it..." Chihiro mutters softly a couple moments later, looking up at the clock on the wall. Taka blinks at the words, reminded of the study session. A-ah! How- how could he have forgotten?! His- his frie- h-his classmates... they will be so upset...

"W-we can still do the study session! I-if... if you want to!" Taka cries, making everyone look at him again, eyes wide. A-ah... perhaps he was too... too sharp...

"O-oh! Are you... are you sure? We don't have to, Taka, it's okay... I- I know you said you were fine, b-but... but it's okay if you- if you're not up for-"

"N-no!" he interrupts, his chest clenching again, his hands starting to shake. Mondo is frowning at him, so he forces them to stop and puts a smile on his face. It feels so unnatural but it's all he has to give, god, it's all he has to give... "I would love to do the study session! A- a great way to get what happened off all of our minds! If you- if you don't want to, w-we don't have to, but-"

"No, I would like to!" Chihiro interjects this time, her wobbly smile back. She looks down after a second and takes a deep breath. "I'm okay. I- I need to stop being so... so weak... I can handle a study session. I'm not- I'm not that weak..."

Hina nods her head furiously too, before putting an arm around Chihiro. Hina doesn't seem to notice, but Taka can see the way the smaller girl stiffens, a look of discomfort on her face. Hm...

"Yeah! You're awesome, Chi! Hey, I know! Maybe you can join Sakura and me in the gym sometime, huh? We can work on getting stronger together! It'll be fun! Yay!"

Chihiro's eyes widen at the request, the look of discomfort growing as she bites her lip, shrugging stiffly. She doesn't move away from Hina, but the swimmer seems to finally realize how uncomfortable Chihiro looks, since she lets go of her and backs away with a sheepish grin.

"U-um... m-maybe... l-lets go to the library... I think the others are wondering where we are... my phone's been buzzing..."

At her words, Taka feels his phone buzz in his pocket, making him blink. A-ah... he's been so focused on what is going on that he'd forgotten about that yet again. He watches as Hina reaches into her pocket and takes out her phone, grimacing at whatever texts reside there.

"Ooh, yeah, they're all concerned... oops! I'll send a message saying we'll be right there and that we'll explain when we get there. We should probably get going though. C'mon! Time to study hard and kick these exams in the butt!"

With her enthusiastic words, the five of them walk the few feet to the library, their spirits higher than they had been a few minutes before. Chihiro is still looking somewhat shaken, and Taka is... well. Taka. But no one other than him seems to be overly unhappy, which he hopes is a good thing.

When they enter the library and locate their four other fri- classmates, they are met with a lot of concerned stares, even from Kuwata.

"Damn, guys. The hell happened?" Kuwata asks with worry, giving Chihiro a small frown. Taka has noticed that the two have grown closer over the past couple weeks, likely due to the fact that after Mondo and he became friends, Kuwata and Chihiro have taken to sitting beside each other in class, Chihiro volunteering to take Mondo's old seat so that Mondo could sit beside Taka. He supposes seeing a new friend clearly having just been crying would be a bit concerning. Chihiro smiles shakily back at the redheaded boy, shrugging, but she doesn't get a chance to answer before Mondo cuts in.

"Ain't a problem. Shit happened, it got taken care of. Now, we gonna study or not?"

That seems to settle that, Leon letting it go in a way that Taka thinks may be reluctant, but he doesn't know the teen enough to say that with confidence. The group then all settles into one of the large library tables, pulling out study materials and textbooks, going over the course material from their history class, which will be their last exam this week.

Taka— pushing down his anxiety and pain and fear so that he can do his duty— does most of the talking, explaining certain points that the others didn't quite understand. He also helps with the literature essays the class has due the next morning, correcting grammar and helping structure their thoughts better.

About halfway through, Hagakure wanders into the library and laughs as he sees them, saying that 'oh hey, I knew I forgot something!' The 'Ultimate Clairvoyant' then joins their group, giving them an even ten around the table.

By the time the hour is up, most of his classmates seem a lot more confident about their chances of passing their exam and essay, smiling at him widely as they thank him profusely for his help.

Taka just accepts the thanks with an awkward smile, hoping that they don't notice the tension that has been eating its way through his stomach for the entire hour. Eventually, they all start heading out while Taka clears up his stuff (Makoto and Kyoko walking out together, oddly enough...), though a few linger. Taka can see Mondo is waiting by the bookshelves, trying to look nonchalant, but Taka knows he's waiting for him to finish, eyes intent, which just makes the nerves even worse.

He tries to hurry up, not wanting to make the biker wait for him again, but before he can, he sees movement out of the corner of his eye. He watches, blinking in surprise, as Chihiro walks up to Mondo, looking very timid, but also determined.

"U-um, M-Mondo... can I, um... talk to you? In private? There... there's something I want to tell you, and I just... U-um... j-just need a minute, I promise..."

Mondo frowns down at the timid girl, but he smiles when she looks up, not wanting to concern her. Taka can only watch as the biker looks over at him, almost like it's an instinct at that point, a question in his eyes as he starts to frown again. He wants to smile at the biker, reassure him, but all he can feel is a cold chill entering his veins, bile rising in his throat as he sees the coy way Chihiro is looking at Mondo, through her lashes, like she- like she- w-well. That's none of his business!

"Uh, hey, kyoudai-"

"Y-you can go on ahead!" Taka interrupts, already knowing what Mondo is going to ask. He smiles as best he can, putting his pencils away. His hands are shaking, and he can't seem to make them stop. He... h-he... "I will be fine on my own! I should probably look over my own literature essay again anyway; helping you all with yours reminded me of some things I wanted to change... I'll just head to my room and I'll see you later!"

He's not being entirely truthful, but he's gotten so used to telling little white lies that it doesn't even phase him at this point. Aha... and to think, he once made it a point to never lie...

His lie works, though, since Mondo just smiles tightly and nods to him, saying that he'll see Taka for dinner. Taka then watches as the biker and the programmer walk away, the sight odd, but not as odd as he once might have thought. They... they even look good together, the gruff biker and the tiny girl making a nice contrast to one another... he watches after them for a couple seconds, even after they exit his line of sight, before turning back to his gear.

That's good. That's fine. Maybe... maybe Mondo and Chihiro will become good friends, now, and spend more time together. That... that's good. He hopes they do. Mondo- Mondo needs more close friends. People who- who can make him happy. Especially girls, like Chihiro... and maybe... maybe they'll hit it off really well. And then maybe they will date. And then... then they will spend all their time together and then they will forget all about Taka entirely and then they'll be happy together and then Taka won't have to worry about wasting their time and then he can-

Taka puts away his binder.

~XoxoxoxoxoxoX~

Taka is sitting at his desk, scribbling something in the margins of his notes— something he knows he missed earlier and desperately needs to correct— when he hears his doorbell ring. Blinking, Taka looks up, frowning at the door, wondering who it could be. He then feels nerves fill him at the realization of who, exactly, it most likely is. The only person who ever rings on his door.

Dinner time has long since passed, but Taka still hasn't seen Mondo. He'd sat in the dining hall with Hina, Sakura, and the others, but Mondo never came in. Neither did Chihiro. He had done his best not to think about why that was, and instead had eaten quickly, smiling shakily when anyone looked his way. When he was finished, he'd given the excuse that he wanted to read his textbook again, to make sure that he got everything right before the exam. His classmates gave him a strange look at that, but didn't question it, just waved him goodbye before continuing on with their conversation about some television show he didn't have any knowledge on.

Since then, he's been in his room, reading his history textbook for the seven hundredth time, wanting to smash his head against the table as he adds useless bits of detail to his notes, knowing it probably doesn't even matter but not being able to do anything else. He is a student. Students study. What else is he supposed to do?

Well... he supposes now he's supposed to go and open the door... listen to Mondo as he tells him all about Chihiro, how great she is, how smart and lovely and wonderful, then he'll have to watch as Mondo spends more time with the girl and he'll have to watch as Mondo drifts away from him, far happier with a nice girl like Chihiro than a disgusting freak like him-

*DING DONG*

The doorbell rings again and Taka scrambles up, mind blank as he rushes to the door, breath only a little ragged. When he opens the door, his heart stutters to see Mondo standing there, a blank look on the biker's face. W-why... why does Mondo look so unhappy? W-what happened- things must have gone well with him and Chihiro, he doesn't see w-why they wouldn't have, so why... u-unless Mondo is here to tell him... t-tell him that- that he doesn't- that he doesn't-

(He doesn't know why it hurts so much to think it. He should be used to this by now. Everyone leaves him eventually. His mother did. His grandfather did. His father would, if he could. He should be able to take it like a man, smile, be happy for his friend fellow classmate, be happy that he's happy, be happy-)

"H-hey, M-Mondo... are you... are you okay?" Taka eventually bites out, his voice overly weak and ragged, far from the nonchalant tone he'd been going for. He watches with a sinking heart as Mondo whips his head to look at Taka, eyes wide, before concern fills them. And then... then Mondo is there, brushing his hand across his temple, but why is he doing that, his hair is contained by gel today, he doesn't have to push his hair back, what-

"Shit, Taka... ya doin' okay? No offense, but ya look like shit... fuck, ya didn't forget ta eat again, did ya? Dammit, didn't mean ta be so long, Chi- uh. Shit. Things ran long. Didn't expect what he- she! Told me. Needed some... sometime ta think. If ya wanna get some food now, we can head to the kitchen, I'm not hungry, but I can make ya somethin', I dunno... s-shit..."

Taka inhales sharply at the concern, before shaking his head once. N-no... Mondo doesn't have to worry about him he's fine, he's fine, he-

"A-ah! N-no, I'm alright, don't worry about me! I, um. I ate with the others, I- I'm sorry... I thought you would arrive, but then you didn't, and I figured I might as well get some studying in, and- and-"

Taka cuts himself off when he feels a warm hand cup his cheek, his eyes being directed to looking into soft, lavender ones, his heart stuttering at the sight.

"Hey, no worries, Taka. S'cool. I'd rather ya eat than hang 'round uselessly waitin' fer me. Ya need the food. Anyway, if y'ain't hungry, wanna head back ta my room an' watch a movie or some shit? Got some popcorn I can pop in the kitchen an' some candy an' soda an' shit. Proper movie night fer once. Whaddya say?"

Mondo says the words softly, carefully, his smile kind as he looks down at Taka. Taka... Taka doesn't deserve that look, why is Mondo looking at him like that, he should be looking at Chihiro like that, asking her to watch movies, shouldn't be wasting his time with a failure like Taka, shouldn't be here, should be-

"Taka? Uh... bro, did you hear me?"

Taka blinks, and he forces a smile on his face, nodding tightly.

"Y-yes! I- I would love to watch a movie with you, kyoudai! I... I- I..."

He blinks again, and then again, trying to force the tears to go back. That's funny. Why is he- is he crying, nothing happened, Mondo is just going to leave him, there's nothing to cry about, god, why can't he stop being so pathetic, everyone can see it, he has to grow up, he has to-

Taka jolts when he feels a warm hand touch his side, his breath quick and his eyes wet and he... he just...

"Shit... Taka, y'ain't okay, are ya? Shit man, ya gotta... ya gotta quit hidin' this shit from me. I can't help ya if I don't know what the fuck is goin' on. I wanna help ya, please man. Stop shuttin' me out. Was it whatever that shit stain said? Or did somethin' happen after that? Or b'fore? Ya gotta give me somethin' man, 'cuz I dunno what ta do an' I just... I hate seein' ya like this... an' I feel so fuckin' helpless, knowin' yer hurtin' but not knowin' how ta fix it. An' it's not just today, it's been like this a while. Shit, are ya still mad at me fer what happened on Halloween? I thought we fixed that, but if not, tell me, I'll do whatever the fuck you want, Taka, please, man-"

"S-stop," Taka rasps, his body shaking with just... everything. Everything. He can't handle Mondo saying such things, sounding so concerned, for him, when he should be better at hiding it, better at forcing it down, Mondo shouldn't be able to notice, he shouldn't... he shouldn't be so weak, so pathetic, he... he... "It has nothing to do with you, kyoudai, nothing. I- I can handle it, I am handling it, please don't worry about me, Mondo, please, I can deal with this, I can... I- I can... you don't have to worry..."

Mondo shakes his head and pushes Taka gently back a little as he steps fully into his room, letting the door click shut behind him. He then feels a warm hand grab his cheek again and it's just too much... too much, why... he can't...

"I can't help but worry 'bout you, kyoudai. You... shit. You mean so much ta me, I keep tellin' ya that, when are ya gonna listen? I mean it when I say I care about you. When I say I'm worried. You don't... you don't gotta deal with it all alone anymore, man. You've got me. Whatever it is... let me help you. Just... give me something, man. 'Cuz it feels like you're slipping away from me and the more I try and hold on, the further you go, and I just... are you mad about the violence? 'C-cuz I... I won't do it if it upsets you, Taka, Kiyo, please... please..."

Mondo is breathing heavy, his voice sounding different, more formal, and that more than anything cuts through to Taka. Mondo looks shaken, something happened to him and Taka... he needs to help him, needs to stop with his own nonsense and... M-Mondo wants to help him, but how can he explain? How can he say that he's hurting so badly because he is in love with his best friend, his kyoudai, and he's so terrified of losing him that it is killing him inside? He can't, he can't, but he... he has to give Mondo something, or else the biker will leave, will go back to Chihiro and Taka is so selfish, he's so selfish he has to- h-he has to-

"I asked my father if he loved me today," Taka gasps, closing his eyes as he recalls the phone call from earlier, his heart aching as he remembers the moment. He can feel Mondo's hand tighten on his face, the biker stepping closer, almost like he is forced to. Like a magnet...

"An'? W-what happened?"

Taka waits a moment, takes a few deep breaths. He feels as his body settles, the pain radiating through him but in a more manageable way. Somewhat, at least. He opens his eyes, and he looks at Mondo with a sad smile.

"He told me not to ask stupid questions. I- I should have known, h-he always hates when I... when I ask stupid things, I shouldn't have asked it but... I just... I don't know sometimes. He never says it and it's stupid, I know he l-loves me, h-he must, b-but I just... I don't know." Taka pauses, and he looks down at his hands. He lets out a soft laugh, the ache getting worse again as he thinks about it all. "Sometimes I think he would have preferred had it been me. Not my mother. That... I think he'd be happier if he had her and not me. I..."

Taka stops when he feels arms wrap around him, warm and tight and there and he wants to fight, wants to pull away and scream and not be comforted, he doesn't deserve to be comforted, why can't Mondo see that, but he can't because that would hurt Mondo— would concern Mondo— so he doesn't. Pull away. He stays, and he breathes heavily, and he tries not to feel the gnawing, gaping hole in his chest, burning with the knowledge that he's so unlovable that not even his own goddamn father can love him.

Why did he ask that stupid question? He knows the answer, he's always known the answer. His misery is his own doing, it always has been, he'd had friends and he'd ruined it, they all hate him now, and Mondo will leave, and he will be alone again, god, he doesn't want to be alone and-

"Taka... f-fuck man... the hell is your ol' man's deal?! How the fuck could he say that shit ta his own fuckin' kid?! Ta you?! Damn, Taka, it ain't you, it ain't your fault, your dad... yer dad's a piece a' shit, absolute garbage, an' ya don't fuckin' deserve havin' him say that shit ta ya... if he doesn't love ya, then that's his fuckin' loss, 'cuz you're one of the easiest people to love, shit, Taka..."

Taka pulls back and shakes his head frantically, eyes wide, his breath stuttering out of him in harsh gasps. He can't think, can't think, can't think at all, his heart is hurting and he's lost in the pain and he just wants it all to stop already, for Mondo to stop caring, for him to leave him alone, for him to make the break already, to destroy him, to break him down to dust, to ash, to tear his heart out already and destroy it destroy him destroy everything he has ever tried to create ever tried to love ever tried to be he wants Mondo to see how awful he is and just end it alreadygod-

"N-no... no, Mondo, you don't understand, y-you don't understand, I'm a terrible child, I never did what I was told, he never understood why I cared so much, I was such a burden, I should have been better, done more, tried harder, I- I tried so hard, I wanted him to love me, I wanted him to love me, and I failed, I always fail, I can't- I can't- Mondo you don't understand, you're going to leave me and I'm going to be alone again and I can't- I can't- I- I- I... I..."

He feels hands grab his cheeks, both of them, tight and secure and he feels a forehead press to his and he tastes ashes, always ashes, everything is burning and he can't make it stop he just wants it to stop please god make it stop-

"Shh... kyoudai, shhh... yer panickin' again, gotta calm yerself, c'mon Taka, breathe with me man. Look at me and breathe with me and let's calm ya down. Yer talking nonsense, man, I ain't fuckin' goin' nowhere, I ain't ever gonna leave ya, not fuckin' ever. But we gotta get ya ta calm, so just... breathe with me bro, I need ya ta breathe. We can figure this all out once ya breathe. Okay?"

Mondo's voice is low and steady, calm and soothing, and he can feel as the panic in his chest starts to fade. He takes in a harsh breath, but it won't stay, and he panics, and it shudders out, but Mondo is there. Mondo is there and he's talking, low and easy, and Taka can breathe easier when he's there, when he's talking, touching him, pressed so tight to him. And it hurts, it hurts, it hurts— but it helps, too.

He does his best to follow Mondo's breathing and after a while he starts to feel the pressure in his chest start to fade. It's slow going, though, very slow going, and he keeps expecting Mondo to get tired of him freaking out again, his breath hitching when he remembers how pathetic he's being, but… but Mondo doesn't. Mondo just keeps talking, soft and low, and Taka realizes suddenly that they're on his couch, how did they get here, he doesn't remember walking— but it doesn't matter because Mondo is leaning back and he's pulling Taka onto his chest and then he can hear a steadily thumping heart and feel a slow-moving chest and there's a hand running soothing circles on his back and it's so good, so good, it's all he can do to settle against it. To calm the shuddering breath and just... listen. Feel. Experience.

He doesn't know how long the two of them lie there, Mondo running gentle fingers through his hair— the hair gel getting rubbed out with all the petting— while his other hand still rubs his back, firm and caring. Part of him wants to feel ashamed, to hate himself for being so weak, but then he... he hears... Mondo...

Singing?

"-an' anytime ya feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders... for well, you know that it's a fool, who plays it cool, by makin' his world... a little colder..."

It's soft. Barely there. But it's more than humming, he can make out words. They sound foreign to him, English perhaps, but he can understand the meaning, understands the words, his mother grew up in America and taught him English when he was a baby after all, and it… it makes whatever tension is left in his body fade. Mondo isn't the best singer in the world, his voice rough and shaking, but it... it sounds like the best music he's ever heard. If he could only listen to Mondo sing for the rest of his life, he'd die a happy, happy man...

"Hey... kyoudai, ya feelin' any better?" Mondo mutters to him a little while later, his hands still moving, making Taka's body lithe and languid. He stiffens a little at the words, but the tension is gone before it even manages to take hold, and he lets out a soft, almost happy sigh, nodding his head slowly.

"Y-yes... thank you, kyoudai... I..." he wants to apologize, but he knows Mondo hates that, so he settles for saying, "I truly appreciate it, my dearest kyoudai... you are too kind to me."

He feels Mondo as he shakes his head, his whole body shaking with it. His hands are still gentle as they soothe him, though.

"Nah, I'm not. Ya deserve it an' so much more. More than I have ta offer, that's fer damn sure, heh... but I just... I ain't goin' nowhere, Kiyo. No matter what, I'm here ta stay. I don't care how many times I gotta do this with you, how often ya need me ta hold ya... I ain't ever leavin'. Not unless ya want me gone. Ya deserve so much more, Kiyo... an' I swear I'm gonna get ya ta see that one day, man. Ta see how incredible ya are ta me... that's a Mondo Owada guarantee, heh..."

Taka closes his eyes against the jolt of pain in his chest. The desire to lean up, to kiss those beautiful lips, to taste those breathtaking words, to feel Mondo above him, over him... inside him... it's overwhelming and he wants it so, so badly, he wants... he wants...

But he can't. He can't, he can't, he can't, and while he wants to enjoy this embrace, to let it soothe him, the pain is starting to creep back into his heart, and he doesn't know how to make it stop. To make it feel content to have this beautiful, wonderful man in any way he can. What does it matter if Mondo wants to be with Chihiro or not? If not Chihiro, then another girl, another woman, she will see the beauty and sunshine that Mondo is, and Mondo will be with her, and he will be happy. And Taka should feel happy for him, if he were a better man, a good man, he'd feel happy for his fr-friend, his kyoudai, the light of his life and the one person he loves most in this godforsaken life of his. If he were a good man, a moral man, he wouldn't be needlessly pining for someone that will never want him, not the way he wants to be wanted. Why can't this be enough for him? Why can't he just accept that Mondo is straight, not a hint of homosexuality in him, and move on? Find a way to move passed these feelings and enjoy the time Mondo shares with him? He just... he wants...

"Yer thinkin' too hard again, bro... I can practic'ly feel the heat risin' off ya. We gotta take that bath tomorrow, get some a' this tension outta ya... shit. Just... don't worry 'bout what yer da did or didn't say, okay? If he don't love you, like I said, it's his fuckin' loss. I can't imagine anyone knowin' you an' not lovin' everythin' 'bout you. 'C-cuz... shit. Kyoudai... I love you." (what) "L-like a brother," (oh) "I love you like family, an' if he can't... well, that shows what kind a' piece a' shit he is. He ain't deservin' a' ya, if he can't see how goddamn incredible ya are... shit, man..."

The tears, when they come, aren't forceful. They don't come in huge, aching sobs, or violent anguish. They are soft, and he breathes softly with them, pressing tight to Mondo's chest to hide. He's pretty sure Mondo notices, can feel the biker holding him tighter, shushing him gently, but he... he doesn't try and get him to stop, or tell him how ridiculous he's being, like his father sometimes would after coming home and finding Taka crying on the couch. Mondo doesn't get all awkward when he tries to hug him, pushing him away and telling him to 'compose yourself, this is unbecoming.' He doesn't... he doesn't try and make Taka feel like he's stupid for his tears, his pain... he doesn't try and make it seem like there's something wrong with him... he doesn't get angry that Taka is being unreasonable, irrational, doesn't tell him that this is all in his head and that he should just... get over it or something. He just... he doesn't. Taka doesn't know why, but he doesn't.

Instead, he just… holds him. And hushes him softly. And tells him it's going to be okay... that he's here, he's here, he'll always be here... that Taka isn't alone, that he'll never be alone, never again... that Taka can take all the time he needs to sort through this, that Mondo will be here the whole time, through all of it, helping him see that he's worth the effort, worth all of it, and Taka... Taka just...

He cries. He cries, for all he has lost and all he has found. He cries for the child he was and the child he still is, and that he always will be. He cries for the pain he can't make go away, and he cries for the struggle he always has to go through. It's not big, forceful, angry tears. Just soft, aching, leaking ones, the kind that you don't really even notice are falling they're so silent. His breath hitches sometimes, but then Mondo is there to shush him, running fingers through his hair, and he settles again.

He doesn't know how long this lasts, either. He just knows it's a while, and at no point does Mondo get angry or annoyed. He doesn't get impatient. Taka finds it hard to believe that someone as impatient and easy to rile as Mondo can be so gentle and tender with him. Can hold him for what might possibly be hours and not get bored. It shocks him, surprises him, and yet... it doesn't, either. He's always known that there is more to Mondo than he lets the world see. That underneath the hardened, angry biker, there's a heart of gold, a soft center, something that the anger and rage is masking and hiding and protecting.

So, he supposes... he supposes it doesn't surprise him that Mondo can be like this. Can be soft, and gentle, and patient, and kind. But it does surprise him that Mondo trusts and loves him enough to let him in to see it... a-and maybe it isn't the kind of love he desperately wants, deep in his soul... maybe it's not the type of love he aches for, yearns for, craves with all his being. Maybe... maybe. But he wants it to be enough. He wants this to be enough.

And when he finally, finally pulls back, hours and hours later, his face a mess, his hair a tangle of old gel and fingers having run through it, probably looking like hot garbage but you'd never know it based on the way Mondo smiles at him, his eyes soft and warm, like he's looking at the most incredible sight on the planet... as Mondo sits up with him, holding his hands gently, asking if he's feeling better...

He realizes that this is okay. This is... this is okay. It hurts, knowing he can't have what he truly wants, but he knows that this is enough. And he means it, for once, as he smiles shakily at Mondo and Mondo beams back at him, bright and happy. He will get used to the ache inside of him, learn to live with it. And he... h-he won't push it down when it comes. H-he... he'll let himself feel it, all of it, and he doesn't know if it will help. If it will help, or hurt, or make things worse. He doesn't know if he can trust his fri- h-his... his friends, his friends, he doesn't know if he can trust that they won't leave him when he has nothing left to give, but he trusts Mondo. He trusts Mondo when he says he won't leave, won't go, and at the end of the day that is what matters. He cares about his f-friends, don't get him wrong. But if they left, it wouldn't utterly and completely destroy him. Not really. Not fully.

Not like if Mondo left.

So, knowing... knowing that Mondo won't leave, has no plans to go anywhere... knowing he will always be here, no matter what... it settles something inside of him. And he still hurts, still aches, doesn't know if it will ever go away, but he's tired of pushing it all down. Of trying to handle it himself when that has never worked before. Maybe... maybe it's okay to let Mondo in. To let him see his own soft, aching, raw center. The fear that Mondo will leave if he sees it is still present, but it's not overwhelming. And he... he wants to...

Taka reaches up and he touches his hair. He frowns softly at it, the strands long, too long, and he... he just...

"Somethin' wrong, kyoudai?" he hears Mondo mutter to him, the biker reaching up casually and touching his hair, too. Taka smiles weakly, and shrugs.

"N-no... j-just... well. It's getting a bit long..."

Mondo hums, nodding his head slowly.

"Yeah, I noticed. Wanna cut it? I'd offer ta help, but, uh... heh. Never cut someone else's hair b'fore. Ya cut yer own hair, though, right?"

Taka nods slowly, biting his lip gently. He thinks about how it's a bad habit and he should stop doing it.

He doesn't stop.

"Y-yes... but kyoudai... y-you like my hair longer..."

Mondo blinks at him, before shaking his head, sighing softly, sounding a little upset. He smiles at him, though, a hint of resignation in it. It makes his chest ache to see. He doesn't push the feeling away, though, and instead just lets it... sit. It's uncomfortable, but... after a moment, it's okay.

"Shit man, is that why you ain't been cuttin' it? Shit. I like yer hair long, yeah, it uh... it looks good on ya. But Taka… I don't give a shit if it's long or not. I like how ya look, no matter what. An' I, uh... heh. I like yer short hair too, man. All spiky an' shit. Ya look damn good like that. Just... mostly, man, I just want ya ta look how ya wanna look. Whatever you want, Taka, is what I want. Got it?"

The ache is back, but it's not bad this time. Just... there. When Taka smiles, it still hurts, but he's not forcing the smile. He just lets it sit on his face, natural and his, and Mondo... Mondo looks at him like he's the most perfect thing he's ever seen and it... it's good. It's okay. It's all... all okay.

"A-ah... o-okay. T-then... then, I think I will cut it. Just... just to make it more manageable..."

Mondo beams at him, giving him a fist pump and a 'hell yeah, kyoudai!' Taka laughs, the sound startled out of him, and it sounds good. It sounds good, and his smile is easier, and it doesn't hurt quite as bad.

Taka jerks his head to the side, in the direction of the bathroom, and Mondo gets the hint and follows him into it. Mondo leans against the shower door as Taka bends down and picks up his hair cutting supplies from the cabinet under the sink, where he keeps them, laying them out carefully on the counter as he lines them up nice and neat. As he stares at the supplies— at the spray bottle of water and the scissors and the cheap razor— he finds himself speaking, soft and low, his voice wavering only the slightest amount but still steady.

"Today. You... you called me a genius," he says, hands twitching gently. He can feel Mondo's eyes on him, can tell the teen is confused by the turn in conversation, but he doesn't let Taka know.

All Mondo says is, "uh... yeah. I did. Is that... a problem?"

Taka keeps looking at his products. His face is pensive, and his breath is slightly shaking, but ultimately, he feels... he feels calm.

And as he grabs the scissors and looks up at the mirror, he meets Mondo's eyes.

And he smiles.

"I never told you about my grandfather, did I, kyoudai? Not fully."

At Mondo's mute shake of the head, Taka smiles again, nodding in return. And as he takes a seat on the toilet, grabbing a strand of his hair, he begins his tale.

He talks. He talks about his grandfather and how much of a genius he was. He talks about how he'd never worked hard, ever. How he'd gone to Hope's Peak and— with only his high school degree— had gone into the job market, making many business and political deals. He talks about how his grandfather kept rising, up and up and up, until he was the Prime Minister, the Ultimate Politician in his rightful place.

Taka talks about his grandfather's fall. About how he'd gone too high, flown too close to the sun. How he'd always been so smart, such a genius, that he'd never learned how the world works. He'd made deals, both business and political, that devastated families all over Japan. He'd done it with a smile, saying it was what was best for the Japanese people, but in reality, it was what was best for him. He'd trusted people, the wrong people, and never expected it would blow over in his face. He was the Ultimate Politician, nothing bad could touch him, he was too mighty to crumble.

But... he did. He did, he fell, his lying and cheating was discovered, and his entire world crumbled around him. Taka mentions how he'd only been six at the time, too young to really remember much about Before, but old enough to remember the devastation that his family went through. Old enough to remember his mother's haunted eyes, though she'd try and hide it around him. Old enough to remember his father's anger and rage, their own life savings gone because his father had trusted his grandfather and invested his money in the wrong places. Old enough to remember the police coming to take his grandfather away, the man's broken and wan face all over the TV, the dream shattered so utterly and thoroughly.

Taka talks, then, about his childhood. How everything was different after that. How his father pushed him, told him to better himself, to work hard and never let himself grow content with simplicity. To do everything he could to build himself up, to trust himself above all else, and to always be critical. To never grow complacent.

He talks about his classmates and other children his age, how they hated him for what his grandfather had done. They'd all been young— so young, too young to understand— but the children knew he was related to the man who'd ruined their families' lives, and the ones who didn't followed the majority's lead. He talks about his loneliness, how he'd spent hours by himself in his room while his parents worked, studying to try and make something worthwhile out of himself, thinking that maybe if he just tried hard enough, people would see and be amazed at how hard he was trying. He talks about how that never happened, but how he didn't know what else to do, as it was all he had.

He then talks about his mother. How she was so bright and vibrant and alive. How she had the prettiest laugh, the gentlest smile, the kindest eyes. How the eyes that, on him, look harsh and intense, on her looked beautiful and stunning. He talks about how she would hold him for hours when she'd get home from work, too tired to do anything else, and would let him ramble on and on about whatever nonsense would pop into his mind. He talks about the way she would smile at him, even when she was dying, like he was the most amazing person in the world. He talks about how much it had destroyed him when she died, how he blames himself, even though he knows he couldn't have stopped it. He talks about how he'd retreated into himself after that, how he'd taken all the things that were too loud, too bright, too much and stuffed them away.

He talks about his father and how he'd never understood him. How his father would look at him with dull eyes after his mother died, seeing her ghost in him wherever he went. He talks about how similar to her he's always been, how she'd always been bright and vibrant too, and how much it killed him inside to see her in himself. He talks about the stilted conversations, the awkward silences, and the painful truth that he always tried to ignore but never could. That his father hated him. That he wished it had been him, not her. That if he could, he'd leave him and never, ever return.

He talks about how he's terrified of being alone. How he works so hard, trying to make people like him, to be who they want him to be, because if he doesn't... if he doesn't, then what is the point of him? Why would people want to be around him if he is who he is? He's too much. Too bright. Too vibrant. His mother, it worked for her, she was kind and beautiful and charming. But him? He has never been like that; he has always been... too much. Too annoying. Too loud. No one wanted someone like that. No one wants someone like that. So, he... he had changed himself and made himself into something new. Still does, always, constantly, trying to fit in, to belong, to not be alone. Even if it hurt. Even if he would sometimes look in the mirror and not quite recognize the person that he saw staring back at him. Even if he would look in the mirror and hate the person he saw staring back at him.

He talks about his grandfather, again. He talks about how much he hates the man and what he'd done to their family, but how he still, somehow, loves him, though he doesn't quite know why. And he talks about how his mother, before she died, would take him to see the man in prison, because she felt that he should get to know him, his only living grandparent, even if his father didn't quite agree. He talks about how he just... kept going to see him, even after his mother died, because he didn't know what else to do. He talks about how he'd take a bus every couple of weeks and would sit across from his grandfather in the visitor center and how he would tell the man about his studies and his hard work, on and on, a one-sided conversation with himself more than anything. He talks about how his grandfather never said a word back, but how he would smile, sometimes, barely there when he would salute him and say he would see him again in two weeks. How he would keep doing it, long past the point of knowing why he did it, just knowing it made his grandfather happy, if only a little.

He talks about his grandfather's memorial, a small thing put on by the prison, done out of obligation and not any desire to honor the man. He talks about how he'd been the only one to show up, not even his father willing to see the man, not even to say goodbye. He talks about the quiet pain inside of him, not as overt as when his mother died, but still present, still there, because yet another person he loved was gone and yet he, still, was there. He'd only been eleven, older than he had been, but still too young to have lost so much. So very, very much.

He talks about his Morals Committee, his dedication to it, even as people mocked him and belittled him and his work, how they called it ironic and an insult to morality. He talks about how it all just made him work a hundred times as hard to make it all work, to make it succeed, to prove himself to the world at large. He talks about his desires, his goals, his plans to make the world a better place, to fix the mistakes of his grandfather and fix the world in general. Because if he could just do that, if he could just fix every problem in the world, then maybe he would finally be able to find his place in it. Maybe people would finally see how hard he was working, how hard he was trying, and would thank him for it. He talks about how he'd work himself far passed the point of exhaustion, far passed the point of fatigue, trying so hard to make himself into someone worthwhile that he lost track of who, exactly, he was. He was a student, a son, a moral citizen, a hard worker, but he wasn't a person. He wasn't human. He'd lost that, somewhere along the way, and he hadn't known how to ever, ever get it back. He still doesn't.

And he... he talks about Hope's Peak. He talks about his fear over coming here. How terrified he'd been that things would be the same here as they'd been at his old schools. How astonished he'd been that it hadn't been and how no one seemed to recognize him or his family name. He talks about how terrified he'd been that people would find out and hate him, that everything he was building here would crumble and fall and break apart, like everything else in his life. How he'd pushed Chihiro and Makoto away, knowing that if they learned the truth, if they got to know him, that they... that they would hate him, too. And how he'd be alone again. Always... always alone.

And he... he... he wants to talk about Mondo. He wants to talk about now meeting him had been so utterly terrifying, but not for the reason he'd have expected. He wants to talk about the feeling of lavender eyes on him, how it would make him feel hot and cold inside, how it makes him feel like he's being looked at and actually seen. He wants to talk about how angry he got at the biker, how furious, because anger was something he could handle, he could understand, even if he hated it. Because anger was so much easier than what he actually felt, what he actually feels, what terrifies him the most. He wants to talk about how befriending Mondo was the best thing that ever happened to him, how he'd never really lived until Mondo had held him and told him that he mattered. That he was important. That he is important. He wants… he wants to tell Mondo how much he loves him, how much it hurts to be near him and not have him, but how he'd rather feel that than not have him at all. He wants to tell Mondo about the way his heart stutters at the sight of him, how beautiful and incredible the biker is to him, how kind and soft and gentle. He wants... he wants...

But he can't. He can't, he can't, he doesn't. Because despite all he has shared today, all he has revealed, that's the one thing too much. The one step too far.

So, he... he stops talking. It's abrupt and it's harsh and the silence that descends around them is thick with the words said and the words unsaid, and Taka just sits there. He's long since finished his hair cut, his hair short again, but not as short as it had been. He'd not looked in the mirror as he cut it, couldn't bear to look at himself as he opened himself up and laid his soul bare, but he's cut his hair so many times now that he knows how to cut it by feel. It's a bit shorter in the back than in the front, his straight black hair falling gently over his forehead, and he doesn't know if that looks good at all, but he wants some fringe, just some, so that Mondo... so that Mondo has something to brush back, if he wants to. If he... if he wants...

It's new. Not the old Taka, not the person he was always, desperately pretending to be. Not even the new old Taka, the version he's made of himself here at school. But... but something new. Completely, 100% new. And maybe... maybe even something human...

As the silence drags on, Taka feels that familiar anxiety rise inside of him, and he lets it. He welcomes it, like an old friend, and he lets it sit in his heart. He lets himself feel afraid; afraid he's said too much, afraid that he's ruined everything, like he always ruins everything, afraid that Mondo will, in fact, hate him now. Now that he realizes how messed up Taka is, now that he realizes it's not worth the effort, now that he realizes that Taka is too much, so much. He lets it sit in his heart, lets it exist there, but he... he doesn't let it consume him. He doesn't let it eat away at everything he is and tear it all down, down, down. He just... lets it sit, and lets it exist. And he doesn't let it destroy the hope that also, somehow, still exists, even after all this time. The hope that Mondo won't leave. The hope that Mondo won't think he's too much. The hope that Mondo will stay, stay, stay. He lets the two emotions— so opposite to one another— sit and coexist inside his chest.

And he waits for the verdict.

Taka doesn't move when he hears Mondo push off the glass door, several long, long minutes later. He doesn't move when Mondo stumbles slowly over to him, the biker's gait slow and uneven, but still somehow steady. He doesn't move when Mondo falls to his knees before him, looking up at him, his face a mask. He doesn't move, not even an inch, as he sees a hand move up, up, up, so slow it's like the world has been put in slow motion, and gently cup his cheek.

"You are so amazing, you know that?" he hears a soft voice say, something reverent and gentle and raw inside it. He hears a soft laugh and feels as he gets pulled down, down, down, and he follows, the cut strands of his hair all around him as he falls into warm, comforting arms, shaking but not sure who it is that's doing it. Him or Mondo. Mondo or him. Maybe it's both, their breath shuddering in the air, pressed so tightly together it's like they are one again. He just slots into those arms like he was born to be there, and he breathes deep, and he lets himself be.

He doesn't know how long they sit like that. It must be late, impossibly late, maybe even the next day already, but neither of them cares. Neither of them moves from that spot, no more words uttered, all the words that had to be said, said already. Hours and days and years and eons pass as they hold one another, pressed so tight together that they will never be torn apart again. Never.

"We... we should get ta bed, kyoudai," he hears a voice whisper in his ear, millennia later, and he shudders at the tenderness within the words. "We have an exam tomorrow, an' I know... I know how important that is ta ya. S-so... so c'mon, Kiyo. Let... let's get you to bed..."

Taka nods, slow and lethargic, and he feels as Mondo shifts. He doesn't want to let go, his arms refuse to let go, so Mondo just shifts again and suddenly he is being lifted. He gets cradled against a warm chest, one he knows so intimately it's not funny, and he lets himself get carried out of the bathroom and into his bedroom.

He should hate it, should feel embarrassed, weak, but he doesn't. He just breathes shakily and lets Mondo take care of him. Lets Mondo set him down on the bed, lets Mondo gently take off his uniform and fold it (messily, but he tries, god does he try) and put it off to the side. Lets Mondo put an undershirt on him, fresh and new and not covered in hair. Lets Mondo get into his bed (his bed, for once), and settle on the plush, comfortable mattress. Lets Mondo pull him close, lets Mondo whisper soft words to him, words of adoration and admiration and love. Maybe not the love he craves, but it's love all the same, and as he lies here... as he lies here, hearing and feeling Mondo breathe, all his secrets laid bare and yet still he stayed...

It's enough.

It's more than enough.

And if he could have this, exactly this, for the rest of his life?

Well.

He'd die a very happy man.

Ahhhh. So! Lots happened in this chapter! I honestly considered adding "unreliable narrator" to the tags because of Taka's negative beliefs in this chapter, ha. I decided against it, but do know that just because Taka believes it, does not make it true. And that is true for the rest of this story, too. But! We got a love confession! Not quite what Taka wanted it to be, though... or was it...? ;-)

Also! Takaaki! Aha... so, I never intended on having him be the bad guy in this story. I actually like his character and like the idea of him loving Taka very, very dearly. However, I also have the head canon that Takaaki is similar to Taka in many regards, and one regard is how they handle grief. And considering how, canonically, Taka dealt with the loss of Mondo very, very badly... well. I imagine that Takaaki handled the death of his wife similarly, and it made it hard for him to move on, especially since he didn't have something like Kiyondo to fall back on and instead had an eight year old child he felt he was failing. He loves Taka, he truly does, but he just... has no idea how to express it and fears that Taka would just be better off without him, so he keeps his distance. He doesn't realize how much he is hurting Taka, or even that he never tells Taka he loves him. He's lost in his own world of grief, and since Taka is so quiet about his own pain, it's easy for Takaaki to not realize just what he's doing to poor Taka. Kind of like that quote by Hemingway, "you are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering."

Now, does that excuse Takaaki's actions? Heck no! Nothing about that changes how much it hurts Taka, or how it has made him feel unlovable and unwanted. But I don't want people thinking that I'm trying to make Takaaki completely irredeemable or trying to say that he doesn't love Taka with his whole heart. He just... has a hard time showing it. And when Taka asked if he loved him, it made Takaaki get defensive, his own insecurity rising up. Chances are, he was having his own doubts in that moment, feeling like a failure to his son, and the question asked at that specific time was just... unfortunate. I was originally going to have a sequel revolving entirely around fixing Taka and Takaaki's relationship (amongst other things), but that has been put on the back burner indefinitely, sadly. Maybe one day I will have the ability to write it, but for now... eh.

Anyway! I hope y'all liked this chapter! Next chapter goes in a different direction, a new one, so I hope y'all like it. :-)