The Problem with Perfection

by DracoMalfoy456

Perfection is not an option. It is a requirement. At least… that's what Kiyotaka Ishimaru has always been taught, from the time he was old enough to be taught anything. (Ishimondo)

19. Bros Helping Bros

*CW: content warning for some explicit underage sexual content. Both individuals are the same age, but they are under 18. Thus, underage warning.

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Hey guys!

So... this chapter. HA. Okay, so, I'll admit. While I like it, I'm nervous to post it, since I don't know what y'all will think. As I said last chapter (and as those of you who still look at the tags and the rating after all this time will have noticed), the rating has increased. And it's, uh... for a reason. The actual explicit content isn't long, since I'm ace (asexual) and find writing smut to be awkward sometimes, and I personally hate sexual scenes that have no bearing on the plot, so... yeah.

But, since I know that some people dislike sexual things in fics, especially since I had this fic as only "mature" for so long, I have marked off the sections where the explicit parts occur, and I also wrote a summary of the sexual part, so anyone who wishes to skip can do it without worrying about missing anything too major in the plot, ha. The summary isn't the best, but I tried. You can find it on my Tumblr. Sorry I can't link it. The sexual content starts with the first asterisk (*) and ends with the double asterisk (**). There are two main parts with sexual content, which I separated in case those who don't want to read the explicit stuff still want to read the non-explicit things in between the two parts. The summary covers all of that part, though, starting before the actual sexual bit since there's some mature things there, and I wanted to be safe, ha.

I also wrote about why I chose to make this story go down a more explicit route, despite my misgivings for smut. You can find that on my Tumblr too, though I don't recommend reading that until after finishing this chapter, as otherwise it won't make sense, ha. I also go over Mondo's motivations and thoughts, since his perspective is not yet written and I had a feeling people would be confused by it all.

Anyway... if y'all could please comment your thoughts after this chapter, I'd appreciate it. Like I said, I'm nervous about this, wondering if y'all will like it or not, and it would be helpful to hear what y'all think. Thanks!

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Taka holds tight to the body before him, face pressed firmly between sharp shoulder blades, laughing so hard it's starting to hurt, but he doesn't even care. He can hear Mondo whooping with excitement in front of him, the teen handling his ride expertly, and everything inside of him feels so full and warm he's sure he's about to burst. It's all he can do to hold onto the biker in front him with as much strength as he can muster, feeling everything so very much, wanting and yearning but knowing he cannot have. Like Tantalus, so close to what he desires, but unable to ever obtain. It's a slow torture, but god, is it the sweetest one he's ever known.

It's been a long week. A long, long week. A week full of sexual frustration and unwanted fantasies and bright red cheeks that can't hide the absolute mortification he feels. Mondo's been giving him weird looks, especially considering how he has had a nocturnal emission almost every night this week. He doesn't usually remember his dreams, thank god, but he does remember waking up sticky and gross, legs pressed tight to Mondo's, his face bright red as he looks up into wide, lavender eyes.

It has gotten so bad he's been seriously considering asking Mondo if they could sleep in separate beds again, but that would just raise even more questions that he absolutely cannot answer. And besides... while it is very awkward for him, at least Mondo had stopped teasing him about it early on, seeing how embarrassed it makes him (and has even awkwardly tried offering some advice, which Taka finds even more mortifying, actually). And... and he can't help but admit that it is nice, still. Waking up pressed tight to Mondo, limbs tangled together, and bodies pressed so close they're practically one. Yes, it's awkward that he's been... er... overly happy in his sleep, but he's too selfish to go through with his thought of asking Mondo to sleep separately, and since Mondo doesn't seem to mind… well...

It has been making him tenser and tenser, though, his mind assaulting him with guilt and mortification any time he's been around Mondo, which is practically every second of every day, now. After all... they wake up together, they eat meals together, they go to classes together, they do homework together... Mondo has even been going out with him out on his patrols! In fact, with a few exceptions that he doesn't like to think about, the only time that they're not together is— in fact— when they're bathing or going to the bathroom. And even then, they're usually nearby.

And he's not complaining! Really, he's not. He enjoys being close to Mondo, even with the embarrassment, and he doesn't want that to go away. But he knows that Mondo has noticed his tension and is worried about it, though the teen, thankfully, hasn't brought it up...

Other than that, things between them have been going fairly well that week. He'd almost say, 'very well,' if it weren't for the tension. After all, they'd gotten most of their exams back on Tuesday, and Taka had been ecstatic to learn that Mondo had managed to get all Bs in the various classes, with one B+, even. He'd been mesmerized by seeing Mondo's shocked face, before the teen had begun to practically glow, so full of pride in himself that Taka had almost wanted to cry. It had made the awkwardness he felt dissipate entirely— for that afternoon, at least— and they'd made plans to head out that night and finally go on their ride together, since they'd been unable to the previous several days due to weather issues.

Unfortunately for them, the weather had no plans to change just because they wanted it to. That night a small snowstorm blew in and kept them inside, to their bitter disappointment. Mondo hadn't even tried to ask Taka if he'd wanted to go out and had instead said they'd just have fun inside instead. So, they'd stayed in, playing video games that Mondo used to play with Daiya— which Taka didn't like at all but didn't mind playing for Mondo's sake— and watching movies, pressed tight together.

And then, the next day (after yet another embarrassing morning), Mondo had gotten his literature essay back and— to the biker's intense surprise— he'd gotten a solid A- on it. The teacher had even smiled brightly at him when she'd handed it back, saying 'I knew you had it in you, Owada-san. I am very proud.' He'd never seen Mondo look so happy before, so proud of himself. And Taka... well. Taka had never felt prouder of anyone in his life. They'd made plans to go out that night, too, weather be damned, but then the rain came, turning the snow into ice, and even Mondo was dubious as to the safety of riding a motorcycle in such weather.

In fact, similar things kept happening all week, either rain or sleet preventing them from their plans, which had honestly started to truly frustrate Taka, on top of the tension that was now part of his daily life. He'd actually been looking forward to the ride, since the last time it had managed to help him lose his tension (before that happened, of course). To think, he was actually upset at not being able to ride on a motorcycle! How utterly bizarre! But true.

However, today things finally aligned. The rain and sleet had cleared up sometime the previous day and— since the sun had decided to actually show its face, not to mention that the government had went around and had thrown salt on the roads— the roads were clear of ice and sleet. The earth was still a little damp, but when Mondo had woken and looked outside— the Sunday morning cold but not icy— he'd promised that it would be a good day to go out and ride around.

They'd decided that they would head out shortly after breakfast to not give the weather any time to decide to change its mind. Mondo had mentioned casually that he was taking them somewhere close, to be safe, and that it was a place he'd found when roaming the streets one night before they'd become friends. Taka had smiled and agreed to it, not caring where they went, just as long as he was with Mondo.

In order to get there, they'd had to take back streets and side alleys, in the stop and go traffic, which meant they had to go slower. Taka had tried not to feel disappointed at the fact.

Luckily, though, it hadn't taken them too long to arrive at Mondo's mystery location. Mondo had been very cagey about telling Taka where they were going, which had piqued his curiosity, but he hadn't pried, wanting to respect the teen. But once they'd arrived and Taka had looked around, he'd initially felt confused. Part of him had been expecting something like the last place they'd gone, beautiful and meaningful and all, but this... well. It certainly wasn't a beautiful lake with a sentimental memory attached to it! Instead, it was what looked like an empty lot with dark tire marks littered all around, absolutely nothing seeming special about it.

He'd turned to Mondo with furrowed brow, then, head tilted in question. He hadn't wanted to offend the teen by being rude, but he honestly was just... very confused. That confusion had only mounted when he'd seen Mondo's excited grin, the teen practically bouncing up and down on his feet, like a kid at Christmas.

"'S an old bike racin' arena," Mondo had explained, looking around the place with excited eyes. "Not a legal one, don't think, but shit, man, it's fuckin' great. Places like this are heaven on earth, goddamn. Ya can just run the track, 'round an' 'round, fast as ya want with no one ta stop ya or yell at ya. Police don't exactly care 'bout one lone biker, s'long as ya don't cause havoc or shit. I've been here dozens a' times since school started. First was just missin' my gang, wantin' ta feel the thrill a' bein' part a' somethin'. Then I just... kept comin' back, usu'ly ta help clear my head. Heh... came here a few times after our fights, back when we... ya know. Were on bad terms an' shit. Figured, if ya liked riding on my hog but wanted ta feel safe an' shit, this is the best place. Ya... heh. Ya can even take off yer helmet, if ya wanna. Ain't sayin' ya gotta! Do what makes ya feel safe, s'all good. But, uh... this place? It's safe. Like, always some danger when ridin' a hog, but I'm good enough ta know what I'm doin'. An' I've been on this lot several times, not ta mention dozens a' others like it. Ain't gonna find a better place, kyoudai. But s'just a suggestion. Don't gotta, heh..."

Taka isn't ashamed to admit that he had been very reluctant at first. While he had been— sort of— wondering what it would feel like to have the crisp and frigid air assault his face before he buried it in Mondo's back to warm it up, he'd also been nervous at the idea of not wearing all his safety gear. He's not really a risk taker, right? And riding on a motorcycle without a helmet... it's a huge risk. A giant one. He's seen pictures of motorcycle helmets after accidents, after all, and they always manage to make him nauseous. Seeing the huge chunk of the things that are missing after skidding along the pavement, knowing that if it weren't for said helmet it's wearer would most definitely be dead, if they still weren't even with the thing protecting them... it certainly makes him anxious at the thought of taking his helmet off, even with how incredible Mondo is with his bike!

But...

But...

Well. He had been able see the excited gleam in Mondo's eyes when he'd brought the topic up before it had faded with insecurity. And, while he had promised to not do things he truly didn't want to do just because Mondo did, he might... well. He might be okay with putting aside his anxiety and putting his trust in Mondo (which he always did, willingly, easily) to do something they both truly wanted, even with his intense fear.

He had unfortunately hesitated a bit too long while deciding, and so Mondo had gotten anxious again, insisting it was fine, that he didn't have to if Taka didn't want. But Taka had just taken a deep breath, smiled, and said that— while the thought did scare him— he also kind of wanted to try it, too. Mondo had been skeptical of his agreement at first, not believing he truly wanted it, but after a bit of back and forth, Mondo had grinned, bright and happy, and joyously agreed.

And that is what has led them to what they are currently doing, Taka holding tight and his face freezing in the cold windchill, fear rife in his heart despite his absolute trust in Mondo, but so utterly happy it burns him.

Taka feels as Mondo makes a curve and he laughs again, pressing somehow further into the warmth, and just... lets himself feel it. Experience it. To just... be alive. He's rarely had moments in his life where he's truly felt like he's alive and not merely living. He isn't even sure if that makes sense but... but sometimes he worries that he's not actually alive. That he's a robot, or a program; simulating life, emotions, feelings, but not really real. He's knows that it's ridiculous, that of course he's alive, of course he's human, but... but sometimes it's hard to remember that when he so very rarely feels... real. When his emotions feel... muted and dull, when he doesn't know if they are true or not.

But this? This... holding onto Mondo, feeling the wind assault his body, his face, feeling as they make each turn and having his stomach swoop every time... hearing Mondo as he exclaims in joy, hearing his own mouth let out loud laughter he'd never known himself capable of before... feeling so much, too much, but not painfully, not overwhelming, just... feeling it...

Here, he's alive.

Here, he's real.

Here... he's human.

Eventually... eventually Mondo starts to slow down. Taka can feel it, can feel the bike rolling to a stop, can feel Mondo move to have them stop. And Taka is surprised when he realizes that he... that he doesn't want to. He truly, truly... doesn't want to...

"Heh... should take a break, kyoudai. Can go again in a minute. Good ta pace yerself if y'ain't used ta this kinda thing, ya know?" he hears Mondo call to him, the biker's shoulder blades moving as he turns to look at him. Taka's heart is beating fast, and his breath is shallow, but the reason for it isn't a bad one, not for once. He lets out a soft laugh and he can feel Mondo's hands on his, gently prying him off, and Taka goes with great reluctance. He pulls back and he looks at Mondo with overly bright eyes and everything in him is singing and humming and is so alive and he wants to say, 'to hell with it' and throw caution to the wind and just kiss Mondo until he's breathless for another reason, but he can't and it hurts and he just... he just...

He feels as Mondo dismounts off the bike, and he doesn't want him to go. Doesn't want this moment to end, but he doesn't hold the biker back. He just lets him go, arms stiff from cold and from holding them in the same position for so long. He finds his legs and he swings them off the bike, the opposite side Mondo went and takes a few shaking steps away the bike as Mondo kneels by the wheel, checking something and Taka... Taka...

He falls to his knees.

"Taka!" Mondo exclaims, concern thick in his voice. Taka can hear Mondo curse softly as he stands and rushes over to him and— to assuage him of his fear— Taka laughs, loud and almost a little manic. Mondo keeps frowning at him, so he looks to him and smiles.

"Dude... ya doin' okay? Yer actin' weird..." the biker states, though Taka can see a small smile rising on his face. Taka grins in reply and nods quickly.

"I am excellent, kyoudai! I am just... excited!" he exclaims, laughing again. Taken by his almost overwhelming emotions, Taka decides to lie down on the ground, looking up at the sky, his body feeling everything so intensely. Part of him worries about his uniform, about the dirt getting on it, but... but for the most part, he just doesn't care. He is feeling so much, all at once, and he just needs to ground himself. Just a little. Besides... it's been a very long time since he last allowed himself the luxury of sky gazing. He used to, he remembers. Before. He and his mother would look at the sky for hours and tell each other about the shapes they saw there. It used to be one of his favorite activities to do, really. But it... huh. It's been an awfully long time since he'd last thought of that... years, probably...

He hears as Mondo laughs softly, and he turns his face to look at the biker. Feeling emboldened by his feelings, he lifts his right hand, an unspoken invitation to... he isn't even sure. Something. Something. Mondo blinks at him, before grinning brightly and letting out a soft laugh. He nods and saunters over to him. Taka's heart swells impossibly as he sees Mondo take a somewhat awkward seat beside him, before the other teen lays back, the pair so close he can almost touch him. Their hands are brushing slightly and Taka— still feeling bold— grabs the larger hand in his, Mondo twining their fingers immediately.

Taka looks back up to the sky, looking at the clouds as they trail lazily by. The sky itself is bright blue and the clouds are large and fluffy, mostly white with a few darker ones mixed in. The ground below him and the air above him is frigid, his uniform and the leather jacket he's wearing not protecting him much, but the heat from the warm body beside him and the warm hand in his and the warm feelings inside him help battle the oppressive chill. While he shivers, his breath freezing in the air, he doesn't feel the cold, not really. Not here.

"Love seein' ya like this, Kiyo," Mondo mutters softly, head tilted towards him. Taka looks over too, the biker so close he could count each of his eyelashes if he wanted. The tender smile he sees... the warmth in the lavender eyes... it's so much. It's everything. Absolutely... everything. "All happy an' shit. Y'ain't happy often enough. Not like this."

Taka smiles, unable to do anything else, and he laughs, and he feels everything, everything, everything.

"I am when I'm with you, kyoudai! I am when I'm with you..."

And he is. He is. He always... always is...

Mondo looks at him with meaning in his eyes, his breath short and shaky as they look at one another. Taka can see the mist as it billows from their lips, hanging in the air like ghosts on a shore. His eyes fall closed when he feels Mondo lift the hand not holding his and brush his hair back from his face, the touch lingering for several moments longer than it has to. The scent of cinnamon and motor oil is rich in the air, and it shouldn't smell as good as it does. It shouldn't make him feel the way it does...

"Same with me. Shit... Kiyo, ain't ever been as happy as I've been with you... not since Daiya... not since I- I... s-shit... don't ever want this ta end, man. I don't... Kiyo..."

"It doesn't have to," he replies, mouth moving before he can think about what he wants to say. He just knows he wants to say something, knows he has to say something, do something, he feels... he feels...

Taka turns on his side and faces Mondo, needing to see him fully. He watches as Mondo does the same, their bodies so close on the cold asphalt, hands still clasped somewhat awkwardly between them. Taka feels his breath escape him and he can't catch it again. His heart is still racing from earlier and it's all so much and he wants to... he wants to do something- something... something stupid, stupid, so utterly, utterly... stupid...

"K-kyoudai..." he breathes as he feels himself leaning in, so close he can feel warm breath hit his lips, like a kiss, and he just... he wants to... he wants...

He raises the hand not holding Mondo's and lets it brush tenderly against the biker's temple, a mimicry of what the teen does to him, but he has no excuse for it. Mondo's hair is still perfectly in his pompadour, not a single strand out of place. He has no excuse for this other than he wants to touch him, in some way, in some way, in some... in some way...

Mondo closes his eyes at the touch, breath ragged again, and Taka feels him lean in. He lets his hand drift down, cupping Mondo's cheek gently, thumb rubbing soothing circles almost against his will. He feels like he's in a dream right now. A wonderful, beautiful dream and he knows he should be afraid. All dreams end and he knows that— he knows that— but maybe he- maybe he doesn't... doesn't want it to end, maybe he doesn't want to wake from the dream, maybe... maybe he wants to stay here forever, to never leave, to never have to face reality. It's stupid, and he's setting himself up to fall, and he knows it but god, he can't stop, he can't stop, why... why can't he...

"Kiyo," Mondo breathes back, so close he can taste cinnamon, so close their noses are touching, so close he can... he can see each individual eyelash, can see the small smattering of freckles on Mondo's cheeks, can see... can see everything the biker always tries to hide, he sees all of it, all of it, and he feels so much love it hurts him, it hurts him, he doesn't know how to stop, how to stop this, god, he has to stop, but he can't he can't he can't he can't he can't-

Taka feels Mondo pull away and he wants so badly to cry.

He doesn't.

"W-we... we should... fuck," Mondo softly curses, lying on his back again, looking at the sky. His hand leaves Taka's and Taka has never felt so cold before. Has never felt so ungodly cold and alone and just... empty. Mondo glances at him, his eyes guarded, and Taka has to close his so he can't see. He doesn't want to see. He feels soft fingers touch his face and he opens his eyes and Mondo is smiling again, but it's not the same. The dream ended and he still feels so off and strange and wrong inside, and he knows he can never get the dream back. That's the problem with dreams. Once they end... they just... end.

"Hey... w-wanna go fer another ride, 'fore we head back?" Mondo whispers, and Taka wants to cry again, but he doesn't. He just smiles and nods and hopes the way his heart is yearning isn't too noticeable.

He'd never realized just how much it would hurt to be in love with someone who cannot feel the same...

"Okay, my dearest kyoudai... okay."

Taka presses against Mondo as they mount the bike again, and the feeling is the same, the swooping, excited feeling, but a pit of ice has formed in his heart and he can't, for the life of him, make it stop. When Mondo eventually pulls out of the racing arena— helmet firmly back on Taka's head— and heads back to school, Taka tries to stop the ice from spreading but he...

He can't.

Not fully.

~XoxoxoxoxoxoX~

Mondo's arm is wrapped tight around his waist.

They had returned back to the school five minutes before, and Mondo had been... he'd been grinning. The tension from earlier had melted off the biker, his shoulders were loose and languid again, and he was looking at Taka softly, so softly, like he was the only person in the world. Again. He'd been touching Taka like crazy, casual and easy, helping him get off the bike and steadying him (even though he hadn't needed it that time, his legs actually pretty steady for once, Mondo had insisted), and as they walked through the parking lot, laughing at some stupid joke Mondo said that Taka doesn't even remember, he… he'd felt a warm arm wrap around his waist. Not his shoulders, like he was used to. His waist. Low and secure and Mondo didn't even look at him as he did it, just kept laughing, and Taka...

Taka is five seconds away from losing his goddamn mind.

Because… here's the thing. Taka doesn't know much about social interaction, right? He'd never had a friend growing up, he'd never spent time with other people in a positive manner, and so he'd never had the opportunity to learn about social interaction during his formative years. More than that, he just... can't seem to figure out some of what he does see, when he spends time with other people his age. He isn't sure if it's something he's just missed out on and can learn with time, or if it's just something that's wrong with him inherently, something he was born without the knowledge of but everyone else in the world knows instinctively. Either way, there's something he just... doesn't understand about how people interact, or how friends interact, or... well. Any of it, really.

However...

However. Sometimes, when he is with Mondo, when they are alone together, he wonders... well. He wonders if there's a lot more that he's missing than he had originally thought.

Because he does watch how other people interact, right? He's a hard worker and is good at studying. So, in order to make up for his lack of understanding, he does everything he can to study how other people interact with each other. He watches friends interact in the hallways, watches couples and acquaintances as they talk, watches people meeting for the first time... things like that.

So, while he doesn't have any firsthand knowledge and isn't quite sure why people do certain things, he knows that there are things people do differently when they are with friends than if they are with, say, a stranger. Or even, well... with a significant other.

And he knows Mondo is a tactile person. When interacting with Kuwata, he's noticed how Mondo will roughhouse and shove and even put his arm around the other teen's shoulders. Even with their newer friends, such as Chihiro or Makoto, he likes to touch when he can, such as ruffling hair or slapping them on the back or shoulder (gently, in Chihiro's case). So... it's not like he doesn't notice Mondo's tactile nature. And while Mondo touches him a lot more often than his other friends, it makes sense, since they are closer. They are kyoudai, soul brothers, and of course they'd have a closer and more personal relationship. It... it makes sense. Taka has seen siblings interact and while there is usually more fighting, there is closeness there, too. It makes sense and he's not trying to make assumptions about anything, okay? He... he's not.

... However...

There are times. Right? Just... times. When Taka... well. He wonders. Wonders if there's something he's missing. If maybe... maybe he's reading things wrong. And he is sure he is! He's sure he is, because he doesn't understand relationships, platonic or otherwise, and social interaction often leaves him clueless. He knows he has a lot to learn and the likelihood of him and his interpretation being right is laughable! Because... because...

Because sometimes...

Sometimes...

Well.

Sometimes Taka wonders if maybe— just maybe!— Mondo isn't... well.

Quite as straight as he is assuming.

And it's ridiculous! Completely and utterly ridiculous! He laughs at the very thought of it! Hahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahaha! Hahaha... haha... ha...

...

Okay, but here's the thing.

It's just... a lot of things, actually. The looks. The touches. The soft smiles and the brushing back of his hair. The compliments and words of wonder. The- well. All of it. Taka has never— never— seen or heard friends or siblings, no matter how close, act like that. And he's sure he's wrong! H-he's sure he is! Because what would he know about close friendship or sibling relationships? He's never had one of either before.

B-but... he's been looking. Even in the movies Mondo has them watch... and he just... he's never seen friends or siblings act like this.

But...

But...

W-well.

He... he has seen couples act like this.

And it's ridiculous! Utterly, utterly ridiculous! He laughs at the thought! Hahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahaha! Hahaha...! Haha... ha...

But like...

It was one thing. Mondo wrapping an arm around his shoulder and walking with him around the school, yeah? He's seen Mondo do that with Kuwata, that's just what Mondo does. He's never seen that as strange, knows it's a common show of affection in general, and one that Mondo has been shown to do with most of his close friends. Taka wishes he had more data on the subject, that he could see Mondo interacting with other close friends, but since he doesn't, he has to make do with what little data he has. And with said data, he sees that Mondo is tactile and likes to touch. And while the biker will sling an arm around Taka a lot more often, that makes sense since they're together more often. That he has never found strange, even though it has always made his insides do funny summersaults, even before he realized his sexuality.

But... but this? This- this... this arm around his waist? This is- this is something new entirely. He has never seen Mondo do this with anyone else. Male or female. He's never seen Mondo sling his arm and grasp someone else's waist, never seen him lean in close to another person and whisper soft words into their ear. Words like, 'this was a lotta fuckin' fun, kyoudai... we, uh... we should do this again,' or like 'shit, man... yer so fuckin' cold... we gotta get ya inside an' inta some warmer clothes, shit...'

A-and that's not all. He's never seen Mondo look at someone like this before. He's never seen him look at someone with such- such... such adoration in his eyes! Like they're the only person he can see! Like they're his entire freaking universe!

He's never seen any friends act like this. Never seen any siblings act like this.

But you know who he has seen act like this?

People in romantic relationships.

And he... he's just...

He's just so confused! So hopelessly, painfully confused!

Why does Mondo act like this with him? What is it that is different about their relationship then, say... Mondo's relationship with Kuwata? Or even Chihiro, who the biker has been getting closer to this last week (to his great distress, but that's a different topic altogether)? Yes, they are kyoudai, soul brothers, but... but why? Mondo has been friends with Kuwata longer. Why did Mondo never want to be kyoudai with him? What was it about Taka that made Mondo want to be kyoudai so bad? Yes, they'd had their moment in the sauna, but Taka still doesn't quite remember that day too clearly. He just knows something happened in there and suddenly, Mondo wanted to be friends. No... no, not friends. Brothers. Kyoudai. As close as two unrelated people could possibly be.

Or... those not in a romantic relationship anyway.

And he doesn't understand! He just... he doesn't understand. Mondo and his looks. Mondo and his touches. Mondo and his words, god, his absolutely incredible words! Is this friendship? Is that what this is? B-because for so long, that's what he was sure it was. What he was sure it is, all that it is. He never let himself even think that it could be more, because the idea was just... so absurd. He's the wrong one, you know? He's the- the freak.

He's the one who is gay.

But Mondo... Mondo isn't. He's a tough guy biker, leader of the biggest and fiercest Biker Gang in all of Japan. People twice his age respect and fear him. There is no one— in the world, he's sure— who is more manly and masculine than Mondo is. The idea that he would be- uh. That is to say, that he would be... w-well...

... gay...

Is laughable! Hahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahaha...! Hahahaha... haha... ha...

Ha…?

B-but...

B-but...

He just doesn't know.

He thought he did! He thought he knew for sure! He'd been positive he knew their relationship and their role to one another. They were kyoudai, they were close, but that was it. Nothing more.

But then...

But then...

The bathhouse happened. And then... they started sleeping facing one another, entwined so tightly there wasn't even a millimeter of space between them. And then... then... then, there was that moment earlier. The moment on the ground, facing one another, Mondo looking at him so intensely, his breath shuddering, his lips parted and— for one second— h-he thought… he- he thought...

He thought Mondo was going to kiss him.

And now! Now this! Walking through the hallways, arm wrapped around his waist, holding him so close— so close! I-it... it doesn't make sense. Friends don't act like this. Brothers don't act like this.

You know who does act like this?

Goddamn lovers.

Lovers act like this. Lovers look at each other like they're the entire universe. Lovers casually brush back the other's hair, just so they can feel the other's face under their fingertips. Lovers touch each other constantly, lovers smile at one another so softly, lovers say things that are so sweet and tender, lovers call each other 'beautiful' and 'perfect' and 'incredible.' Lovers sleep beside one another, pressed tight together. Lovers look at each other's genitals. Lovers... lovers...

Lovers do these things. Friends don't. Brothers don't. He's never seen anyone else do things like this. He's never seen anyone else act like this. He's never seen Mondo act like this with anyone else.

He doesn't understand.

He doesn't understand.

He wants to understand. He wants to understand why Mondo does this, why Mondo looks at him like that, why he touches him. He wants to know why he treats him so gently, why he treats him so differently, why... why. He wants to know why.

But he can't ask.

And that's the worst part of all of it, isn't it?

Because he's not stupid. He's seen how violently Mondo acts when someone even hints that he might not be, well... straight. He sees the anger, the rage. It's all too easy for him to imagine how angry Mondo would get if he questioned the biker's actions. If he even tried to question them at all.

And... and also...

He doesn't want Mondo to stop.

And that the actual worst part of it all, isn't it? The bitter crux of it. Because even if it is just friendship. Even if it is just Mondo's way of showing closeness to his kyoudai... even if... if it means nothing...

It's nice.

To pretend.

To take the soft words and the soft looks.

To take the smiles and the compliments.

To take the close cuddling, and the holding hands, and the warm arms slinging around his body.

To take it. All of it. And pretend. Pretend it's real. Pretend it matters. Pretend... pretend that this is something he can have. He craves Mondo's closeness. He craves the words and looks and touches. He craves all of it so badly.

And it hurts. It hurts, knowing that it's not what he truly wants, of course it hurts. But... but with how much closer they've gotten, it... it's gotten easier to pretend. That it's enough. That it satisfies what he truly wants. It's why moments like earlier, on the ground, are so hard for him to ignore now. For him to pull away. Because, in his mind... he can pretend it's different. And while he knows that the world he's creating in his head and the world of reality are two different places, when the lines blur... when Mondo looks at him just so... it's hard. It's... it's hard. But it's so, so worth it, too. It's worth it to have those absolutely beautiful eyes on him. To hear that wondrous mouth say such wondrous things. To have Mondo so close to him, so, so close... it's worth it. All of it.

Even with how much it hurts. Even with how confusing it all is. And god is it confusing...

But it's not like he has anyone to talk to about things like this. Who could possibly understand? Who could he possibly talk to about something like this? Not Mondo, that's for darn sure. And... and their other friends... he couldn't. They're Mondo's friends too, and he just... he can't. He can't. And his father... ha! That's not even an option! He doesn't know what his father would say if he told the man that he is friends with Mondo, let alone is madly in love with him! And that... that's not even to mention what he fears his father would say if he learned that he... that Taka is... well.

So... he's trapped. He's stuck. He can't force it away, he tried that, it didn't work and just made everything worse. He can't just let himself feel it, because it's making him see things that aren't there, making him yearn too brightly and he doesn't know how much longer he can keep it to himself without betraying his true feelings. And he can't tell Mondo to stop, or ask him for clarification, because he's too weak to possibly ruin what they have. So, he's stuck, in between this rock and a hard place, and he doesn't know enough about human interaction to have definitive proof, and he doesn't want to potentially ruin everything with his cluelessness and he- he's just...

Confused.

And Mondo...

"Wanna come inside, kyoudai?" he hears a soft voice call in his ear, lips so close they're practically touching him, and he can't help the harsh gasp he lets out as his thoughts are so entirely interrupted. He flinches and looks at Mondo with wide eyes, his breath stuttering in his lungs. He hadn't meant to do that, but he'd not been able to help it. It had just been... jarring, he supposes.

He watches with a sinking heart as Mondo's eyes— which had previously been full of a smoldering emotion Taka had no hope of deciphering— widen, shock filling them at his outburst. After a beat, the lavender narrows with concern, a soft frown on Mondo's lips. Taka feels the arm around his waist tighten and then, all of a sudden, it's like he can't breathe, god...

"Uh, kyoudai... y'alright? Ya look spooked by somethin'... y'ain't upset 'bout the ride, are ya? 'Cuz, I thought ya were enjoyin' yerself, but if ya weren't-"

"I enjoyed the ride, kyoudai," Taka interrupts, his voice a touch annoyed despite himself. Mondo's frown deepens, which makes his heart clench. A-ah... he hadn't meant to sound so harsh... grimacing, he shoots Mondo an apologetic look. "S-sorry, kyoudai... I just... I don't know how often I can tell you that I enjoy doing things with you. I simply had been thinking about something and you startled me, that is all. Nothing bad, I promise. However, you asked if I wanted to go to your room, yes? If so, then I would love to, kyoudai."

Mondo stares at him for several seconds, long enough that Taka starts to feel uncomfortable, worried he's messed things up irreparably, but thankfully Mondo just lets out a soft laugh and shakes his head, a rueful smile on his face.

"Shit... didn't mean ta be badgerin' ya 'bout this shit. Just... wanna make sure that yer happy. But it's prolly annoyin' as shit fer me ta keep askin' ya that, ain't it? Heh. Sorry, Taka. I'll work on not doin' that shit. But, uh... yeah. I was askin' ya if ya wanna come in an' watch a movie or shit... so, uh. Let's go."

Mondo turns to the door that Taka only just now realizes they're in front of and takes out his key card. He then opens the door and leads the pair inside, over to the couch.

All without removing his hand from Taka's waist, of course. Which just brings up more confusion and panic for Taka, really. He gets lost in his thoughts again as he absently watches Mondo pick out a movie from his large collection, the words the biker says washing over him but not a single one registering.

Okay. Alright. Okay, alright, okay.

So, this... this is confusing. Right? Absolutely, utterly confusing. Mondo and his interactions with him, and his meaning behind said interactions. Is he... is he imagining this? Is this all in his head? Or is there something there after all? It's messing with him. All of it. All of it.

And as Mondo smiles so sweetly at Taka as he sits, before the biker moves to grab the snacks he has stored in their room— Mondo's room! Not their room, Mondo's room!— well. It makes him feel uncertain and off kilter, and he has no idea what is happening and what it all means.

As such, Taka can't help the way he tenses, so painfully confused it's not even funny. It gets even worse when Mondo sits down beside him— so close they're practically one yet again— and wraps an arm around his waist once more, the movie beginning to play in the background, but Taka doesn't take in a single thing that is being shown on screen.

And he tries to relax, really, he does! He tries so hard to focus on the movie, to push all the raging thoughts and feelings down, but it just... it's not working. And he knows that Mondo notices his tension— of course he does, he's always so observant when it comes to Taka— because the teen starts frowning down at him, rubbing a soothing thumb along his side. That just makes it even worse, really. Neither teen moves away, though, and they continue on with the pretense that everything is okay, Mondo growing tenser and tenser beside him, until he's practically a statue. And Taka hates it, he does, but... but... well. He doesn't know how to make it stop.

It takes Mondo half an hour of this before he seems to finally have had enough. Letting out a soft sigh, the biker turns to face Taka fully, small frown on his lips.

"Alright. I know I said that I wasn't gonna ask this again, but, dammit, are ya alright, Taka? 'Cuz, man, ya've been actin' strange since we fuckin' got back an' I just... goddamn it, kyoudai. If ya'd just talk ta me 'bout this shit, I wouldn't hafta ask! So, just... what the fuck is up with you?"

Taka tenses, somehow, further at the annoyed words, a hint of irritation and annoyance filling him at the harsh sounding tone, even though he logically knows that Mondo doesn't mean it that way and that the biker is just concerned. As such, he can't stop the frown that forms on his face as he looks at Mondo, his arms crossing unconsciously. It isn't until he sees Mondo's scowl that he realizes what he's doing, but by then, he can't really stop or else that would be even worse, really. Letting out a frustrated sigh that's more forceful than he wants, he shakes his head, saying the first thing that pops into his head. Like usual...

"Why are you so insistent that something is wrong with me? What makes you think there is anything wrong with me at all?!"

Ah... smooth, Ishimaru, very smooth... profess that you are perfectly fine while yelling. Because that always sounds so sincere...

Wincing at his harsh words and accompanying self-disparaging thought, he can't help the grimace he gives when Mondo pulls back from him, his eyes filling with annoyance, a hint of anger, and... and something even worse—

Hurt.

"The fuck? Shit, man, do ya think I'm stupid or somethin'?! I can tell how fuckin' tense ya've been since we fuckin' got back! Shit, this whole fuckin' week, actu'ly! The fuck is yer fuckin' problem, man?! I'm just tryin' ta be a good fuckin' friend, shit!"

Taka flinches at the angry words, his stomach and heart clenching, which makes it all even worse. Because of this, the words end up hitting him somewhere that is raw and tender. As such, despite his better judgement, he can't help the way he practically sneers, baring his teeth at the increasingly irate biker. Even as he does it, his mind is screaming at him to stop, but he just... he just can't. Everything inside him is so very tense and aching and hurting and confused, and he just... he can't stop the words that come out. No matter how much he wishes he could...

"I don't have to tell you! Y-you always ask me, like you have a right to my answers! You don't! If I want to keep it private, I should be allowed!"

Taka feels his heart clench so painfully he almost gasps with it when he sees Mondo's face crumble, a look of raw hurt and pain passing over it. It makes the regret triple, and he wants to take his words back as soon as he finishes saying them, god, he does. But before he has any hope to even try and rectify things, he watches— helpless— as Mondo stands with angry purpose, forcefully turning the TV off as he does so. Taka stops breathing entirely when he sees the biker turn back to look down at him, something angry and painful and raw clear in his eyes. All of it hurts Taka's heart so fiercely, but as tongue tied as he is, he can do nothing other than watch as Mondo looks away after a beat, before he begins to pace, ranting as he goes.

"What the goddamn fuck? What the absolute fuck did I do ta ya, Taka? S-shit... are ya fuckin'— shit. Are ya fuckin' mad at me or somethin'? Like... fuck, man! I'm sorry I ask ya these questions, but it's 'cuz I don't want shit like this happenin'! It ain't like I'm fuckin' good at this shit, alright?! Relationships, friendships... all a' it! I fuckin' suck! Can't ever get fuckin' close ta people 'cuz I always scare 'em the fuck away! B-but you... you fuckin' stayed, an' I don't fuckin' know why, an' I don't wanna fuckin' ruin this shit! But I am, I can feel ya slippin' away from me, an' each time I think we've fixed it, that we're fin'lly good, suddenly we ain't again! An' I just... I fuckin'... what am I doin' wrong? 'Cuz shit, Taka... Kiyo... I want this shit ta work out 'tween us. An' I don't know what the fuck I'm doin' wrong. So just... please. Tell me."

Mondo's voice gets soft at the end, the angry and impassioned words petering out into a soft and desperate plea. And Taka... Taka...

Taka feels so messed up inside. He's so confused, and in pain, and hurt. He can't deny that, much as he may wish to.

But none of it... absolutely none of it is Mondo's fault. He's just trying to be what Taka needs. He's just been trying to be a good friend. A... a good friend... and maybe... Taka has a sudden realization, his body going cold as a chill fills his heart. Maybe... maybe that's why Mondo has been acting like this. Maybe... maybe that's why he's been doing all of these things. Because he... he thinks that Taka wants it and is- is trying to... to be a good friend— a good kyoudai— and Taka... Taka, the idiot that he is... is taking his friend's kind actions and is turning them into something they are not and now- now he's hurting Mondo and it's all his fault and Taka... Taka...

Taka has to make it right.

He must.

Standing, Taka faces Mondo and shakes his head frantically. He can feel tears fill his eyes, but he refuses to let them fall. He has to fix this, not make Mondo comfort him. He has to... he has to fix this. Somehow.

"M-Mondo... kyoudai, no. That... that's not it! Not at all! I'm not... I'm not mad at you! Please... please believe me! I- I just... this has nothing to do with anything you've done. None of this. Please... please believe me. This isn't your fault. Not at all."

It's mine, he thinks sadly, staring at Mondo's face, heart clenching painfully. After all... it's Taka who went and decided to get these feelings. It's Taka who couldn't be content with friendship and is letting his yearning for something more cloud his judgement. It's Taka who is at fault for all of this, all of it! Not Mondo. Never Mondo...

Mondo keeps looking at him, face stuck between emotions and Taka can't even hope to decipher it. It looks sad, and hurt, and in pain, but also sympathetic and worried and... and so much. So, so much. He could look for a million years and never figure out all the emotions he sees.

But he doesn't have that much time, not at all. Especially not when— after a few moments— Mondo looks away, his face shifting as he argues with himself internally, lips moving with his clearly impassioned thoughts. All Taka can do is watch and hope that he hasn't ruined everything with his own stupidity. Again.

Finally— over a minute later— Mondo sighs, the tension in his shoulders loosening somewhat as the biker looks back at Taka, his eyes still a little guarded but thankfully less angry. Less hurt. And more concerned.

"Shit, man... alright. If ya say so, then... I'll fuckin' believe ya. But Taka... kyoudai, let me help ya. Please. Haven't I proven that I ain't goin' nowhere? Haven't I shown you that I'm not... I'm not fuckin' leavin'? You... you're important ta me, Kiyo. An' I just... I wanna help. But ya gotta let me in 'fore I can do that," Mondo whispers, stepping closer until they're toe-to-toe. Taka can feel his back tensing, wanting to step back, to breathe, but he can't do that. He can't... he can't hurt Mondo like that.

So, instead, he just sighs softly, shaking his head. Steeling himself, he closes the last remaining inch between them and presses his forehead gently against Mondo's chest, back curved as he does it, not wanting to look Mondo in the eyes any longer. Because he can't... he can't do what Mondo asks. He just... he can't. Not... not about this. But he also doesn't want Mondo to think he's rejecting him. He... he can't have that either. He can feel arms rising, wrapping around him, and his back tenses, and despite how he tries to loosen it, he just... can't.

God... he's such a failure...

"K-kyoudai... I- I..." he starts, unsure what he's going to say, his mind blank as his voice wavers, his throat so thick he doesn't know how he's going to be able to get anything more out, honestly.

Luckily, he doesn't have to, as Mondo sighs softly, raising a hand to card through his hair like he always does when trying to comfort. It just makes Taka tense further, but Mondo doesn't seem to notice. Thank god...

"Shit, man... is it... is it yer da again?" Mondo mutters softly, sounding so concerned it makes him want to cry. And yet, the words themselves... he can feel his eyebrows furrow and his lips pull down into a frown, feeling momentarily confused when the meaning sinks in. Mondo is asking about his... his father? But... why...?

"I've not heard from my father since our last conversation," he confesses slowly, still not entirely sure what that has to do with anything. But he can feel how Mondo tenses at the words, his entire body a firm line. He doesn't have time to even get concerned before the biker relaxes entirely, every hint of tension leaving, Mondo sighing softly. Taka can feel the arms around him wrapping tighter, which forces his head to turn sideways if he wants to be able to breathe. A-ah...

"Aw, shit, man. That's it, ain't it? Fuck, bro. Ya shouldn't give that piece a' shit even a second a' yer thoughts, Taka. He ain't deservin' a' someone as fuckin' amazin' as you. He ain't worth yer worry."

Taka blinks at the words, frowning at them, even as comprehension rises in his mind. Wait... Mondo thinks this is about his... his father? That... well. That's not the truth, not even close. He's honestly not thought much of his father at all this week— not with his unfortunate, ahem, nighttime issues, and his resulting mortification— but maybe... maybe Taka can work with this...

"H-he's my father..." Taka protests softly, still a little lost on the turn this conversation has taken, but not wanting to contradict the biker, not when doing such a thing would just upset him again. He can hear Mondo hum softly, fingers still in his hair, pulling gently. It makes his back stiffen again as lightning shoots through him, which is unhelpful...

"Shit, man. Okay, I getcha. But still, ya shouldn't let him affect ya so badly. Ya've been tense all week, an' if that's what's causin' it... hm. We gotta find a way ta take yer mind off it. 'Cuz all this tension ain't healthy, man. S'gonna give ya a premature heart attack or somethin'. Gotta find a distraction... what do ya usu'lly do, when tryin' ta take yer mind off things?"

Taka blinks at the words, not expecting a question like that. But he decides not to question it, realizing it just... doesn't matter. Not when Mondo sounds so serious about this. And so, instead, he thinks of his answer as seriously as he can, biting his lip in thought. It... it's a good question, honestly. What does he usually do to distract himself? Well...

"I, um... I study!" he confesses, blushing lightly at the unimpressed look on Mondo's face, the biker pulling back from the embrace just to level said look at him. Feeling oddly exposed, he shrugs awkwardly, his hands fiddling with the hem of his jacket. "W-what? It's the truth!"

Mondo rolls his eyes, huffing softly, arms crossing as he continues to level an unimpressed look at him. Taka is starting to really hate that look...

"That ain't relaxing, bro. Shit just makes ya more tense. I've seen ya studyin', ya know. Yer back gets all tense an' yer eyebrows go all furrowed an' shit. So, that's out. What else? What do ya do ta relax?"

Silence stretches between them as Taka looks down at the ground, face blushing brighter. Should... should he answer that question honestly? Because, if he does, then he knows Mondo is just going to make fun of him... but if he says nothing...

His internal debating gets interrupted by Mondo groaning, the teen smacking himself lightly on the forehead.

"Taka. Kyoudai. My best an' dearest friend. Please tell me ya don't study ta relax. Because I swear ta fuckin' Christ..."

Bright red, Taka huffs, crossing his arms. Well, this conversation sure isn't helping to relax him, that's for sure!

"I find studying to be very relaxing!" he protests, glaring at the biker when he groans again, feeling somewhat offended. Because, hey! He's never judged Mondo for his desire to ride his bike! Of course, Taka doesn't exactly blame him for that anymore, since he's found that riding on the motorcycle is actually strangely pleasurable, but... he's digressing! "It's true!"

Mondo looks at him again, eyes still unimpressed, and Taka throws his hands up in frustration, throat starting to grow tight with it. He hates it when people question him about things like this... and he thought that Mondo understood that...

Thankfully, it seems that Mondo does, in fact, notice his discomfort, because the biker sighs again and softens his expression, giving Taka a small, apologetic smile.

"Sorry, Taka. Just... shit ain't relaxin'. An' ya can't fool me by sayin' it is. Ya can like ta study all ya want, but ya can't lie an' say it relaxes ya," Mondo says gently, and continues before Taka can even hope to reply. "So! What we gotta do is find somethin' ta relax ya. Movies are obviously out, since this shit ain't been helpin' all week, an' ya hated those games on Tuesday, don't even try an' lie. Uh... shit. Maybe readin' a good book? That's been helpin' me lately, since ya made me get those fuckin' glasses an' shit."

Taka bites his lip again, pushing past his discomfort at the conversation to humor Mondo. He lets himself think over the suggestion seriously for a minute, before shaking his head slowly.

"If you don't want me to study, then I don't think it would help. I'm not the biggest fan of fiction and reading nonfiction would be very similar to studying, for me. Which I don't mind! But if you insist it won't help..."

Mondo grimaces, shaking his head.

"Fuck no. Uh... fuck. We just went fer a ride an' it didn't help much. Uh... bath?"

Taka wrinkles his nose and shakes his head quickly. Even if he did go himself, going to the bath wouldn't help him too much. Not when he'd be overwhelmingly reminded of Mondo the entire time...

"Goddamnit. Uh... huh. Exercise?"

Taka weighs that in his mind, before ultimately shaking his head. He's been exercising a lot this week, usually with Mondo there as well, or one of their other friends, and it's not helped much. Maybe, if he were by himself... but even then... hm.

This goes on for a little while. Mondo offering tentative suggestions and Taka shooting them down. Once or twice, Taka tries to lie and says he thinks it might help, if only to get Mondo to stop worrying about it. All that does is anger Mondo, though, who tells him to 'stop fuckin' lyin'! I'm tryin' ta help ya, dipshit!'

Unfortunately, nothing Mondo suggests seems like it actually would help him reduce his tension. Some of it actually seems like it would make him more tense, not less (he's sorry, but how in the world did Mondo think that karaoke of all things would help Taka relax?).

That all just leaves them both— five minutes later— at their wits end, with Taka biting his lip so hard he almost makes it bleed while Mondo is pacing with his frustration.

Taka says nothing as Mondo paces, just watches him with worried eyes. After a while, it honestly gets kind of awkward, and Taka is squirming with his discomfort. His eyes are tracking Mondo as he paces, heart aching silently, and he just... he doesn't know what to do to make this all better. What he possibly could do. What... w-what...

Taka blinks in surprise when— after almost a minute has passed in silence— Mondo stops moving so abruptly that Taka nearly does a double take, a frown rising on his face as he looks at his friend. The biker is so still that it's almost unnatural, and Taka finds himself getting concerned. Is he... is he okay...?

"U-um... kyoudai? Are you alright? I-it's okay if you cannot think of anything... the fact you've been trying so hard means a lot to me and I'm sure that I can work through this myself, if I just-"

"No," Mondo replies, his voice tight and... and cracking? Taka stares at Mondo, the uncharacteristic voice crack very disconcerting. As is the way that Mondo grimaces, his eyes tight and almost anxious when he looks at Taka, some kind of battle going on behind them.

After a moment, it seems the biker comes to some sort of decision, because he sighs softly, closing his eyes as he runs his hand through his hair again. He's been pulling at his hair so much over the past five minutes that his pompadour has come undone, and his hair is now down around his shoulders in poofy, crunchy looking ringlets, but the teen doesn't seem to care too much. His eyes open a moment later, and Taka can see that the anxiety is gone and that... that determination has replaced it. What in the world... "No, shit. I, uh... I got one more idea. But yer not gonna like it..."

That gives Taka pause, his eyebrows furrowing tightly. He... he's not going to like it? What on earth is Mondo about to suggest to him that he'd say that? What relaxing thing could he possibly not like that much? Well... actually, there's quite a few things he can think of, though he doubts that any of them would be particularly relaxing to anyone, let alone himself... hm. Still. He might as well entertain it, right? If it will make Mondo feel better...

"You can tell me, kyoudai, and I will consider it, at the very least!"

The biker stares at him levelly for several long, long seconds, before he sighs again, nodding. The determination is still in his eyes, which has never really boded well for Taka...

"Okay. Shit. So, uh... ya remember Halloween, yeah? N-not our, uh... fight, fuck. I mean, like, before that. When ya met me in the entrance hall. Do ya... do ya remember what we were talkin' 'bout?"

On Halloween, in the... entrance hall? Uh... he frowns in concentration, looking at the floor as he tries to remember. They were talking about... why he was late, yes? And Sayaka... but what about that would be relaxing? He is unsure, they'd just been talking about her hugging him and... and then... then Mondo had asked him... about... his...

Flushing bright red— starting to understand what Mondo is trying to hint at— he stares at the biker with wide eyes, horror starting to fill them. Mondo grimaces again, but then he sets his face, looking at Taka with that damned determination...

"Okay, ya remember. Good. Now, when ya told me ya never... ya know. Jerk it. Ya meant that shit, yeah? So, ya've not... jerked it, in the last week? Or ever, I guess?"

Taka doesn't think his face is ever going to return back to its normal color after this... it's just going to be permanently red, his mortification at this conversation clear for the whole world to see. Because... because Mondo cannot seriously be asking him about this... right?! He thought they'd settled this weeks ago! Why is he bringing this up, again?! Can this day get any more mortifying?!

"I- I don't see how that has any bearing on this c-conversation at all! A-and it's not your business besides, and... a-and-" Taka would continue, his offense and mortification at a paramount, but then Mondo is striding over to him, face set in that damned determination, his hands moving to Taka's shoulders as soon as he's close enough. And that, ironically enough, makes him tense the most he's been all day... heck, ever, to be honest!

"Shit, Taka, I'm tryin' ta help ya man! I promise I got a reason fer askin' this, ain't tryin' ta embarrass ya. Dudes talk 'bout this shit sometimes, so it ain't exactly weird. So, just..." Mondo pauses, looking off to the side, before looking back, determined as ever... "Okay. I can guess from yer reaction that that's a yes, then. In which case, kyoudai... I think that may be part a' yer problem. Jackin' off helps relieve stress an' tension an' shit, ya know? Not exactly a biology expert, but I guess it's got somethin' ta do with yer brain or somethin'. Some happy juice flowin' or shit. So... ya jack off, ya relieve stress. Problem solved."

Mondo says that so casually, like he's not saying something completely mortifying, god. Taka— still bright red— crosses his arms (which thankfully knocks Mondo's hands off his shoulders...) and resolutely shakes his head.

"N-no! Absolutely not! I-it is not right! B-besides! You have not... done that, in the last several weeks! If it is as tension reducing as you say, then why are you not doing it? I know you have been tense, too!"

He hadn't meant to say that, dear god he hadn't meant to say that! Now he can't get the idea out of his mind and he's thinking about it, about Mondo gripping his hard manhood and pumping it up and down and-

Grk! Nope! Bad thoughts! Bad!

He's distracted from the terrible thoughts by the— quite frankly offensive— unimpressed stare Mondo levels at him. It's the kind of stare that says, 'you really are that stupid, aren't you?' He hardly thinks such a thing is fair! Though... to be honest, he is kind of stupid for asking that question to the object of his most shameful fantasies... but it's not like Mondo knows that! R- right?

"Ya really are that fuckin' innocent, ain't ya... Taka. Kyoudai. The fuck d'ya think I've been doin' in the shower ev'ry night? Ya really think I always take a half-hour long shower all the time?"

Wait... what? What does that have to do with anything? Why would him taking a half an hour long shower have anything to do with... with...

"Oh! I- I... oh!"

Okay. So, he'd been wrong! This day can get more mortifying. Good to know! Maybe, if he prays hard enough, some god will take mercy on him and put him out of his misery... please...

When Mondo snorts, his lips twitching upwards like he's trying to force himself to stop smiling, Taka redoubles his silent prays and scowls bitterly at the ground, face so hot he's sure he could fry an egg on it. And when Mondo puts his hand on his shoulder again, Taka seriously considers tearing his shoulder away, exiting the room, and never returning again. Hell, part of him wants to leave the school entirely and not have to ever deal with such mortifying nonsense again! But before he can even hope to put his plans to action, he feels Mondo tighten his grip, his eyes apologetic when Taka looks up at him unbidden.

"Shit, ain't makin' fun a' ya, Taka. Just... s'cute, s'all. But I'm bein' serious, man! Why not? An' don't say it's immoral. It fuckin' ain't, not unless yer fuckin' Christian, which I know y'ain't. An' yer prolly so fuckin' strung up fer it that it wouldn't take more than a few pulls anyway, no need fer any thoughts or nothin', so it ain't bad that way either. If it bugs ya, I can leave or somethin', let ya do it alone... but, fuck, man. I really think this shit'll help. All I know is, certainly ain't helpin' things that yer not jerkin' it massively each night."

Okay! Okay, can they please stop talking about... this?!

"M-Mondo... I... I can't!" he cries, burying his head in his hands to try and stop the mortification. He really should just say that he'll consider it and move on like he usually does, but he knows Mondo won't accept that as an answer this time. Not with how strangely determined the teen seems to be about this...

"Again, why the fuck not?! C'mon, kyoudai... ya say ya trust me, so then... trust me. Okay? This shit'll help. I fuckin' guarantee it. An' it... it uh... it might help yer other issue, too. The uh... the nightly one."

Taka can feel tears in his eyes at yet another mortifying reminder. This day just keeps getting better and better... still, he knows he can't say nothing. Mondo is refusing to let this go, so what's one more level of mortification, right?

"... t-that's not... that's not what I meant," he whispers, voice shaking horribly. He pushes on, swallowing to try and manage the pressure. "I- I mean... I can't. I don't... I don't know how. I've never... I- I took an online sexual education course once, my school not providing it, but I knew that such information is important for a young adult, but it didn't... it didn't provide any information on how to actually do something like that! A-and I know the mechanics of it all, the basic idea, but I don't... I don't know... c-can we please stop talking about this? Please?"

Mondo is looking at him intently now, eyes like lasers, and Taka does his best to keep his gaze, despite the mortification that makes him want to bury his head in his hands again. Maybe... maybe if Mondo sees how mortified he is... maybe he'll stop?

No such luck. Of course.

"Shit, man. Ain't like it's rocket science. Ya take yer pants off, grab yer dick, an' start pullin'. Not too hard, just... firm, ya know? Yer body'll tell ya if it feels good or not. If it feels good, keep doin' it. Feels bad, try somethin' else. Not hard, man. Think this shit's prolly an instinct, or somethin'."

Okay, yes thanks, he knew all that! He's not completely stupid! But...

"I- I don't know, kyoudai... I- I... I don't think I can. E-even the thought of it makes me feel vaguely... s-sick. I-it's why I never... never... m-maybe there's something wrong with me, k-kyoudai, or maybe I'm broken... but I don't... I don't think I..."

"... ya get aroused. I know ya do," Mondo replies blandly a few moments later, making Taka close his eyes as a shaky gasp is released from his lips. A single tear escapes his eye, and he just wants so badly to die, then and there, if only to escape this moment forever. He lets out a shaky sob when he feels a warm hand touch his cheek, wiping the tear away, before it just... stays there.

It makes him feel worse.

"Shit, don't feel bad, man. Please. I ain't judgin' ya. I'd be a damn hypocrite if I did. Just... I meant that I know it ain't 'cuz ya don't feel it. The desire. So... yer just... nervous. Maybe if we talk 'bout why ya feel that way, we can-"

"No!" Taka exclaims, tearing open his eyes again, more tears leaking out as he shakes his head firmly once. Mondo's hand doesn't get dislodged, though. It just moves with the motion and remains, stubbornly, where it is. Just like its owner... "Please, Mondo. Please, just... let this go. I..."

Silence descends around them for several moments, and Taka almost thinks that the teen will finally, finally listen. But then-

"I can't. I'm sorry, but... I can't."

A few more tears fall, another soft sob escaping his lips. He hears Mondo sigh and feels the teen step closer to him. He wants to step back but he just... he's too tired. And then Mondo is talking again and he... he...

"This shit is obviously botherin' ya, Taka. Like... fuck. A lot. An' I know that if I drop this, y'ain't ever gonna work on it, content ta just ignore this shit like ya ignore all unpleasant shit in yer life. But, Kiyo, I can't let ya keep goin' on thinkin' yer broken or shit. 'Cuz y'ain't. Not at all. I can't let ya give up without ya at least tryin'. An'... an' maybe..."

Mondo pauses there. Taka is still looking at him (even though part of him desperately doesn't ever want to look at him ever again), and so he can see the way Mondo fully freezes. His body is stiff, his eyes wide, and his mouth is partially open. His face is twitching kind of, like he's debating internally, and Taka... well. The look actually greatly concerns Taka, more and more as the seconds pass. He's about to open his mouth and ask what is wrong, when-

"Maybe I can help."

The silence that follows is oppressive.

"... W-WHAT?!"

Mondo flinches back at the unholy screech that Taka lets out, but he truly cannot help it. Because... okay! Okay! This has gone far enough, he's done, he can't do this, he can't-

"Shit, man, don't make such a big deal outta it! Look. I just... I know what I'm doin', yeah? An' ya don't. We've seen each other's dicks, ain't like we don't know what they look like. A-an' yer my bro, bro. And bros... they help each other, right? It ain't gotta be weird. Shit ain't awkward 'less ya make it awkward. I ain't... I ain't ever done this shit with no one else, but I wanna help ya. I can help ya. I know I can. S-so... what d'ya say?"

What does he say? Well! He should say, as loud as he can, FUCK NO, propriety be damned, because clearly that would be the most logical and sensible thing either of them have done all day!

But... but...

Well.

Later on, he will blame it on insanity. He'll blame it on the fact that his mortification had finally hit its paramount and scrambled his brains. He'll say it was a momentary lapse in judgement, or the result of a head injury he must have obtained as a small child, or years of malnutrition finally rearing its ugly head. Or... anything, really. Anything at all.

Because clearly one of those must be the reason why, several long, long seconds later, Taka finds himself saying, "...you know what? Fine. Fine! Fine, you win! If you want to do this so badly... then fine!"

It shocks them both equally, he's sure.

Part of him expects Mondo to take it back. To realize that he's actually pressuring Taka this time, that he's doing exactly what he has been worried about this entire time, so that Taka can take it back and they never, ever have to talk about this again.

But all Mondo does is blink, look blankly at the floor for a few seconds, before looking up again with his determination, and say, "yeah, okay. Okay."

And that's how they find themselves— five minutes later— seated on a towel Taka placed on Mondo's couch, pants off but underwear still on, down to their undershirts, with Taka's heart racing a mile a minute at the absurd realization of what they're about to do.

He's really got to start getting better at saying 'no' to Mondo...

"Alright. Shit... just... close yer eyes, okay? Close 'em an' try ta calm yerself. Yer too worked up ta do anythin' right now. Yer gonna need ta be in the right state a' mind ta do this. So... close yer eyes. Think happy thoughts. Hell, think 'bout studyin' fer all I care, s'long as it makes ya stop bein' so goddamn nervous. Y'ain't gotta be, okay? Just... trust me. And this... this'll change nothin' 'tween us. Okay? I promise, and yes, that's a man's promise. No matter what happens here... we'll be good. On my end, at least."

Yes, trust him. That's entirely the problem. He does trust him. Too much, honestly!

But... Taka sighs. Okay. Fine. He... he does trust Mondo. And now that he's starting to get used to this whole situation (as bizarre as that is to realize), he has to admit it really isn't as bad as it could be. Don't get him wrong, it's still very, very embarrassing! Just... well. It's Mondo. Mondo, his best friend, not even Mondo, his crush. The Mondo who wants to help him, no matter how awkward it might be. And when he remembers that... remembers that no matter what, Mondo won't let this awkwardness get in between them... well. It's easier to do as Mondo asks and find something that is calming to him to think about.

Sighing again, he closes his eyes and does his best to find a way to calm himself. He tries to think about things that usually calm him, going deep into his memories where he keeps his most peaceful and important memories. As he reflects, he can't help but remember the time his parents had taken him to beach, the one and only time he'd gone as a young child, back Before. He'd only been five and he'd been so excited to see the ocean, having heard about it but never experiencing it. He'd spent the next several hours running along the shoreline, doing childish things like chasing seagulls, laughing at the scurrying crabs, collecting dozens of seashells... and at one point, he remembers that he'd sat before the waves for over an hour beside his mother, just watching as the water ebbed and flowed, so beautiful and peaceful he still feels the tranquility fill him when he thinks of it today, even after all this time. It's the place that he used to go when he truly needed to calm himself, though he hasn't thought of it in years. He's not entirely sure why, because it... it helps. And, despite the knowledge of what they are about to do... it manages to calm him down. Enough, at least.

Opening his eyes now that he's managed to slow his heart rate somewhat, he looks over at Mondo, shuddering gently at the intense look he's met with. The biker looks away quick, cheeks dusty pink, but it's enough to make his heart rate want to skyrocket again. He thinks of the beach, and it helps calm it back down. Okay. He can do this... he can... do this...

"Alright. Ya calm?" At his sharp nod, Mondo grunts, continuing. "Okay. Good. So... shit. Don't know the best way ta go 'bout this. Uh... okay. So, maybe it'll help. If ya... if ya had some idea a' what ta... well. Do. I guess if I asked ya if ya'd be interested in lookin' up some porn, ya'd say no?"

Taka doesn't even bother to answer that verbally, just gives the biker his own unimpressed stare. Mondo winces, chuckling softly despite it all.

"Heh, yeah. Figured. Porn ain't exactly helpful anyway, not like it reflects reality at all. So then... I guess I'll just hafta show ya. Is that... fuck. Is that okay?"

Oh, why yes, that's fine Mondo. I'll be perfectly fine watching my crush masturbate in front of me. It won't be weird or awkward at all. Thanks for asking!

Instead of saying any of that, he just sighs again and nods tiredly. He just... wants this over with.

(He tries his best to ignore the part of him that definitely does not want this to be over with quick. After all, despite the newfound fatigue and lingering embarrassment, his, ah... manhood... is starting to take up some intense interest in this conversation...)

He watches as Mondo fiddles for a second, before the biker sighs, too, a look of discomfort finally rising on his face, his friend apparently realizing just then what it is they're about to do. And then he finally, finally does what Taka has been wanting him to do all along.

He offers an out.

"Okay. Ya know what? I'm gonna ask. Do ya wanna stop this? I still think ya should try ta figure this shit out, but I ain't... goddamn. I don't wanna force ya. An' I realize I kinda am, ain't I, shit, fuck... goddamn it. Taka, dude, if you... if ya wanna stop... if you don't... ya don't hafta. Y-you don't... ya don't... I ain't gonna make ya... fuck. I'm fuckin' ruinin' everythin' right now, aren't I? God fuckin' dammit! I... I don't know what the hell I'm doin', shit..."

And now Mondo is starting to freak out. Taka can see it; can see the way his hands are shaking and the way his breath comes out in shallow huffs. And Taka... he...

He has always hated seeing Mondo look like that...

And it's this thought exactly that cuts through the weird feelings he's been having since this entire thing started. And... again. Later on, he'll blame insanity. He'll blame stress. He'll blame a hundred things because there's certainly no logic to be found here.

After all, what possible logic could be found in him placing his hand gently on Mondo's arm, eyes soft and smile small but there, shrugging slightly when Mondo looks up with wide eyes?

"You... you're not ruining things, kyoudai. And I know that I'm a bit... nervous... but please know I do appreciate you trying to help me. I cannot say I am fully comfortable about this, but I trust you, Mondo. Fully and completely. And I... it does bother me sometimes. That I... er... you know. Can't. S-so... if you think this may help... then I trust you. And it's like I've told you. You... you cannot force me to do anything that I don't already want. I agreed to this. We might as well see it through..."

Because why not? This night is already so weird. If they stop now, they're still going to have to deal with the awkwardness and tension later. Except that then, Taka won't have any way at all of relieving it, because he still won't know how to do, er... this.

(And maybe... okay. Maybe just a tiny, teeny tiny, itty bitty, can hardly see it, barely there part of himself...

Really, really, really wants to see what Mondo is offering.

Ultimate Moral Compass, his behind...)

Mondo looks at him with wide eyes for several seconds, before gulping (actually gulping, audibly and everything. Because... why not, right? God...) and nodding. Mondo fiddles with his boxers for a second and, before Taka can even begin to mentally prepare… they're gone. And Taka...

(Taka is suddenly really, really, really glad he agreed to do this...)

Taka is staring. He knows he's staring. He knows he shouldn't be staring. Knows he should look away.

He doesn't.

He can't.

*Oh dear god, it's as glorious as it was last time, god, all red and swollen and painfully hard and-

"S-so... damn. I guess ya should take off yer briefs as well. So we... s-so you... so you can do. What I, uh... what I'm doin'."

Taka stiffens slightly at the faltering words, but he barely even hesitates a moment before he's doing it. Because at this point, he doesn't even care. He's hard now, despite everything, and he just... he wants to do this already. Not even to get it over with, but because the tension is honestly going to kill him if this keeps up. Maybe Mondo was right about all this, honestly...

He can hear Mondo's strangled inhale of breath as he's made bare from the waist down, but he doesn't look at Mondo's face to see if the biker is okay. He's still too busy staring to pay him much mind. Watching as... as Mondo hardens fully... g-grk...

"Holy shit... u-uh... okay. Um... fuck, where was I goin' with this... s-shit. Okay. So just... start by grabbing yer shaft with yer dominant hand. Just... hold yerself fer a second. Get a feel fer it."

Taka watches, enthralled, as Mondo shows what he says, his large hand reaching down and grabbing his... his... his cock, and then he holds it. He doesn't do anything else, just... holds it.

It's the most erotic thing he's ever seen and he's more painfully hard than he's ever been before.

He keeps staring for several more seconds until he hears Mondo clear his throat awkwardly and he realizes he's supposed to be doing something.

With shaking hands and bright red cheeks, Taka finally tears his eyes away from Mondo's cock and looks down at his own. He isn't quite as big as Mondo, he knows that, but it's still a daunting idea, taking his hand and... and...

He isn't even sure what his hold up is. His family has never been religious, and while it's not exactly accepted in their culture, it's not exactly sinful, not really... so, he just... he doesn't know. There's just some mental hang up that's preventing him from just... doing it. And he can't even blame trauma for this one, because he's never had any abuse or trauma related to anything sexual, thank god. He just... he'd gotten it into his mind, growing up, that he shouldn't do this. That it was wrong. Immoral. And he knows now that a lot of it was because he was ashamed of who he was, who he is, his- his sexuality, but... but he's slowly coming to terms with that now. So, this... this shouldn't be a problem. He agreed to do this and now... he just has to see it through. For better... or for worse...

So, despite his misgivings, he does what Mondo says, grabbing himself firmly yet not painfully. A jolt of pleasure rushes through him at the sensation, and it feels good. It feels really, really good...

And yet also so wrong.

And the part of him that cares about that sort of thing is— most unfortunately— still online.

"S-shit... ya ready fer the next step?" Mondo asks, voice a little breathless. Taka looks back and his eyes fall on Mondo again. On his... his c-cock, now leaking some precum, making it glisten and Taka... Taka can feel his own cock swell under his hand, but he feels strangely frozen. It still feels wrong, and he... he can't...

Mondo doesn't wait for him to answer. The biker just nods and takes a deep breath.

"O-okay. So, uh... just start goin' up an' down. Grip should be tight but not painful. Might have some resistance, if so ya can use yer precum ta help. Or I got, uh... I got some lube, ya can use that. Otherwise, just... start movin' yer hand."

Taka can barely hear the words Mondo is saying, his eyes so focused on Mondo's hand that is starting to move, sliding up and down slowly, with almost expert precision, the grip tight but not too tight, and he... he... he tries. To copy it. To move his hand in the same position, to follow what Mondo is doing, but he's shaking too hard. He's never been more aroused, he feels like he's about to combust, and the movement is good, but the grip is wrong. It's either too tight or— when he tries to correct it— too weak, and he can't seem to find a good balance.

Mondo is still going, up and down, up and down, and Taka is watching, enraptured. And when Mondo starts making tiny little sounds, gasps and moans and muttered curses... h-he tries to speed up his hand like he sees Mondo doing, but it's still shaking, and he can't breathe, and he just... h-he just...

"S-stop," he gasps, yanking his hand away from his aching cock, shuddering so intensely from overstimulation but he can't stop it. He has never felt more tense, and he wants so badly for it to go away, but he just... god, he can't. He can't, he can't, he doesn't know why, but he can't.

**God. There must truly be something wrong with him...

"F-fuck, g-goddamn... y-ya okay? Taka... Kiyo, speak ta me, what happened?"

Mondo's voice is very breathy, and Taka knows he's still painfully aroused, knows it because he's still staring, but there's concern in the tone as well. And when he closes his eyes, they burn with tears. He feels so ashamed... not only did they go and do this, potentially ruining their entire friendship for a stupid fucking orgasm, but he hadn't even been able to do the goddamn thing. God...

He truly is pathetic, isn't he?

"Kiyo... shit, I need ya ta talk ta me... please, man, are you okay? I- I... fuck we... this was a stupid fucking idea, I..."

"I'm sorry," he breathes, eyes still shut tight. "I- I'm sorry. I don't know what I did wrong. Maybe I just... maybe I just can't. Y-you know. Orgasm. I-it happens sometimes, to men, and I... I- I'm so sorry... p-please... please don't hate me..."

Mondo lets out a soft, breathy sound of upset, and he feels a hand touch his side gently, and his eyes are suddenly wide open again and he's looking Mondo in the eyes, can see the lust and desire in them, and god... god is it incredible, he's never seen anything like it, has never felt more aroused and he... h-he...

Why can't he do this...? Why... what is wrong with him... what...?

"I could never fuckin' hate you, Kiyo. Never. Fuck, I'll be lucky if you don't hate me. This was my fuckin' idea and I... shit. Maybe... oh, goddamnit," Mondo mutters softly, closing his eyes tightly, breath ragged and coming out in pants. He's still hard. (Taka checks).

When Mondo's eyes open again, the lust and desire is still there, and mixed in is the determination that got them into this entire mess...

"Okay. Okay. Okay, okay... okay. I got... I got one more idea. An' this is the fuckin' stupidest of 'em all, but we got this far. Might as well make this mean somethin', 'specially if it ruins fuckin' everythin'. So... d-do ya still trust me, Kiyo?"

Taka blinks, and doesn't even hesitate before replying, "with my life. Always."

That makes Mondo smile, soft and gentle, and something about the look makes him... relax. He's still tense, still aching, but he... he's not really afraid. Not right now... not... not...

"Okay. Then... I'm gonna need ya ta stand. An' head ta the wall. Just... just trust me. I'll explain when we get there."

Mondo is still looking at him with his intense eyes and Taka... Taka doesn't have the brain power to deny him even if he wanted. Trusting the biker— with far more than his life— Taka nods and stands and walks over to the wall. He has no idea why Mondo wants him to do this, but... he does it. He can hear Mondo stand after him and can feel him walk behind him. It... it sure is something...

At the wall, he turns to face Mondo, question in his eyes. Mondo grimaces, rubbing the back of his neck roughly.

"U-uh... okay. I'm not entirely sure 'bout this, but just... face the wall. An' put yer arms on it. Like... plank style, at the elbow. Forehead too. Just... lean against it."

Taka doesn't question it. His brain is mush by now, so he couldn't even if he wanted. He does what Mondo says, even though it feels kind of weird— especially since he's bare below the waist still— and just... stands there. And then... then...

He feels Mondo step up behind him...

"O-okay. So... this was my thought. Ya... you were havin' issues with touchin' yerself, yeah? So, I thought... I thought, maybe... if it were, uh... someone else touchin' ya... it might make it easier. Then- then you'd know. What you like. What you don't. A-and... an' it... it would be easier ta... to... fuck. Do it yourself. If you know what you like already."

It takes Taka's brain a moment to catch up. To process what Mondo had said, his voice wavering, in and out of his laid-back tone and his more formal one. But when he does...

He must make a sound, because then Mondo is talking again, nervous and shaking, his left hand reaching out and gripping his hip tight.

"S-shit... we ain't gotta, man, I know this is fucking insane, I know, I know, but I fucking started this shit, and I can't leave this halfway, man, I fucking... s-shit. But I ain't doin' a goddamn thing ta ya if ya don't tell me to do it. An' I gotta hear you say it, no hesitation, nothing. I ain't gonna rape ya, Kiyo, so I need ya ta consent fully or I ain't... a-and if you don't- don't want to do this, even a little, tell me and I will stop right now, I will leave you the hell alone, forever if you want and I-"

"I want it," Taka breathes, pressing his forehead firmly against the wall, gasping for breath. He barely knows what he's saying, but if there is one thing that he knows, it's that if Mondo doesn't touch him right the fuck now, he's going to straight up spontaneously combust. He needs to stop feeling like this, stop feeling this pressure, this unbearable tension. Not just today, but the last several weeks, since he realized what, exactly, he wants. He doesn't know if this is going to be better, or if it would be better to stop and just... never talk about this again, but he doesn't think he could stop things here even if he truly wanted. Not with how impossibly tense and turned on he is. Not with how much he truly, desperately wants it.

And maybe... maybe if they do this, if they... if they... maybe he'll get it out of his system. Maybe he... he won't want it anymore, or it will be easier to manage, or- or- or...

Or maybe he'll just finally be able to ejaculate.

That would be nice, too.

"I gotta hear you say yes, man, I gotta hear you say you want this and know you mean it. Please, Kiyo, I need you to tell me-"

"Yes! Yes, Mondo, please, I want this, I want you, I just... god. Yes," he cries, wanting and aching and feeling so much, so very much, and he knows he'll hate himself later, will be disgusted in his actions, feel regret, regret, regret, but right now... right now he just doesn't care. Right now... he just Wants.

And if Mondo is offering...

*That seems to do it. Whatever was holding Mondo back is gone and suddenly he is there. He moans at the feeling of heat against his back, a warm and hard length pressing against the top of his ass, as he feels Mondo's hand grip his left hip with bruising strength. And the other hand... t-the other hand...

"F-f-fuck... Kiyo... p-pretend it's you. T-touchin' yerself. Pretend... fuck..." Mondo whispers, hand hovering over his cock, and Taka is nodding, not even caring what he's agreeing to, and then... then...

"A-alright... I'm gonna... gonna touch ya now. If at any point ya wanna stop, tell me immediately an' I will. No questions asked. Understand?" Mondo whispers again, lips pressed tight to his ear, allowing Taka to hear every soft, shuddering breath, and he nods fervently.

"Yes," he gasps. "I understand."

"Good. Now... tell me if it don't feel right. I'll adjust. Never... never did this for another guy, I... tell me. If I do something you don't like."

Taka nods, biting his lip so hard as he feels Mondo press even closer, the hardness against his back burning him and he needs... he needs... god, please, please, please-

Mondo touches him.

Stars burst across his vision.

"Holy fuck," he hears Mondo whisper, before he's moving, his hand going up and down, up and down, just like Taka had seen earlier and it feels so good, so good, and there is shame there, bitter and cold, and it's cutting into the pleasure, but god, he can't think, it feels so incredible and he just... he just...

"Holy shit, holy motherfucking shit, Jesus goddamn Christ, fuck," he hears Mondo whisper shakily in his ear and there's nothing particularly sexy about it, but he can't help the desperate moan he releases, his body arching back, pressing against the heat behind him, and he hears Mondo moan, broken and desperate too, and that is very sexy and he moans again in reply. He can feel the aching hardness press against his ass more firmly, and he presses back into it, perversely loving the way Mondo lets out a broken moan at the sensation, the biker rutting against him almost desperately as he still runs his hand up and down, up and down, on and on and on, and Taka feels so much, his insides are building up, he can feel it, but he can't let it out, can't let it go, something is still stopping him and he... he...

"Christ... didn't know it was gonna fuckin' feel like this, didn't know this was gonna be so fuckin' good, ya feel so fuckin' good Kiyo, mm, god, ya feel so good... I know ya wanna cum, I can feel how hard ya are, why don't ya cum fer me, baby, c'mon, I wanna feel ya cum all over my fuckin' hand, god, yer so fuckin' beautiful, god... f-fuck..."

The dirty words make him let out a high pitched keen and he's pressing back again, and Mondo is pressing forward, and all he feels is everything, everything, everything, and he wants to do what the voice says, he wants to let go so badly, but he's afraid, he's afraid, what happens once he does, once this is over, will Mondo hate him, will he hate himself, he doesn't know, he doesn't know and he's so afraid, he-

He feels lips on his neck. Warm and firm and sharp, and he realizes it's not just lips, it's teeth, biting into him, the moans vibrating through his skin directly to his cock and he wants to combust, it feels so good, so good. Between the feeling of a hand on his cock and a cock against his ass, and lips and teeth and tongue against his neck, he's about to come apart. He's pressed so far into the wall he's almost merged into it, Mondo holding him tight, and he wants... god, does he want...

"Come on, come on, I know ya feel it, I know ya want it, I fuckin' know ya, Kiyo, I know what ya fuckin' like, I can tell ya want this. Give in. Give in ta me, let me take ya apart, I wanna see ya fall apart, baby. An' I'll put ya back together, I promise I will, I ain't ever leavin' ya, not now... n-not now that I know how fuckin' amazin' ya feel, how beautiful ya look when yer fallin' apart, how fuckin' incredible ya taste... I want ya, all a' ya, ya have no idea how much ya've been drivin' me crazy this week, pressin' tight ta me, moanin' in yer sleep, humpin' my fuckin' leg... made me feel so fuckin' dirty, wantin' ya, wantin' ta press my cock between yer ass an' fuckin' pound ya, didn't know the fuck it meant, was so fuckin' scared but I ain't fuckin' scared, not a' this, not anymore. I want you, Kiyo, I want you ta fuckin' cum all over me, goddamnit, I want ya ta feel me inside ya, I wanna cum inside ya an' I want ya ta feel it, g-god... fuckin'... l-look at what I'm doin', Kiyo, look at me as I fuckin' jerk ya off, I want those fuckin' gorgeous as sin eyes a' yers on my hand as I fuckin' make ya cum-"

Taka gasps, the words rushing over him, making him so desperate, so very, very desperate. He's grinding back and feeling Mondo's cock press against him, and he wants it so badly, doesn't even care if it hurts, he needs something, he needs so much, and he... he hears Mondo's last words, a whispered, forceful command, uttered at the same time as Mondo bites down on his neck, so hard he cries out, and then he's looking down, helpless to deny Mondo anything, and then he's watching as Mondo's hand fucks him, up and down, and up and down, and his cock is so red and angry looking, and Mondo's hand is so large and beautiful, and they contrast so nicely he wants to cry, he wants to scream, he wants to... to...

"AHHHHH!" he screams, his body shuddering as white, viscous fluid shoots out of his cock, coating Mondo's hand, and the wall, and his legs, and he's cumming so hard he shakes with it, and he's still watching, enraptured, as Mondo keeps pumping him, even as it feels like everything is being pulled out of him, like every bone in his body is being turned to mush, and he can feel Mondo's left hand hold him up, and he presses back one last time against the still painfully hard cock behind him, and then he hears Mondo let out a scream, and then he feels heat spray against him, cum that isn't his hitting the wall, his back, his ass, and it feels so good, so incredible, and then Mondo is pressing against him, pressing him into the wall, panting, panting, like they just ran a marathon, or they just had sex, which, oh god, they did, didn't they, this was sex, they'd just had sex, but he can't even find it in him to mind since he's never felt so languid before, his heart racing and breath ragged, but it's so good, so amazing, so-

*** "Perfect..." he hears a voice mutter against his ear, before a kiss gets pressed behind it, on the tender skin where head meets neck, "yer so goddamn perfect, Kiyo... g-god..."

Taka is panting, he can't catch his breath, and his legs aren't working. It's like they have no muscles left in them, and the only reason he is still upright is because Mondo is holding him up, pressing him into the wall. He can feel soft kisses get pressed to his neck, open mouthed and beautiful, and it's so, so much. It... it just...

It really is perfect, isn't it? Taka finds himself smiling softly at the thought, a soft, breathy laugh rising in his throat at all of it. At the absurdity of the last half hour, at how utterly incredible it feels (now that the tension has been cut and he no longer feels quite so desperate), at just... everything. He can feel shame start creeping its way in, but it's being blocked partially by a feeling of such intense hope that he... that he almost feels weightless.

Because no matter what, this... surely this means something, yes? Sex... sexual acts are performed by people who truly care for each other, w-who... who are close... and the things Mondo was saying... his brain is still a little shorted out from the entirety of it, his thoughts slow and lethargic, but he can still hear the things Mondo had been saying to him as they echo through his mind. Words that show that, no... it isn't just him, that he's not been insane... words that prove he's not alone in this, in his feelings... words that mean that Mondo feels something for him, something more than just friendship. More than just family.

He has no idea what any of it means, but he is filled with such intense hope at it all that he can hardly breathe. Or maybe that's the residual after shock, his body still shaking so intensely. The point is, whatever this all means, surely something will change now, yes? Between him and Mondo? And not for the worse, not this time. But... but for the better? The things Mondo said, his beautiful and wondrous words... surely that can't have meant nothing, right? Surely... surely, he's not alone in this, not anymore? R... r-right?

He should really know better than to hope by now...

He isn't sure what it is, exactly, that causes it. He isn't sure when it even first starts to happen, either. He only knows that one moment Mondo is loose and languid against him, his hands curling around his hips while his mouth continues to lave kisses on his neck, sensual and tender. And then... the next...

Mondo is stiff. Rigid. His breathing has hitched, and his hands have turned bruising on his hips. Taka can't help the soft sound of protest he unintentionally lets out at the painful grip, his mind still shorted out but slowly realizing that something is wrong. This realization grows when he feels Mondo rip away from him like he's been burnt, his breathing ragged and angry, like a crude mimicry of earlier. Without Mondo there to hold him up, he has to desperately cling to the wall to not fall, his legs still too weak to hold himself up and he's confused, he doesn't understand he... he doesn't...

"M-Mondo? W-what... are you okay?" he asks, voice shaking, fear and anxiety thick in the words. He hears Mondo flinch back again, hears as he stumbles into something and curses, and Taka forces his legs to move enough so he can turn, still leaning against the wall but needing to see if Mondo is alright, if he... a-and the sight he is met with...

Mondo is on his knees, his hair in his hands. He's breathing heavily, shaking his head slowly, his entire body trembling. He's never seen Mondo look so weak before, so terrified. It cuts to the heart of him, and he gasps, his heart aching so badly, so very, very badly.

"M-Mondo..." he whispers again, tears filling his eyes as he realizes that his earlier assumption that this wouldn't change things was wrong, wrong, wrong. Because of course this changes things. Of course this makes things different. Of course nothing will ever be able to be the same again.

O-of... of course...

"S-shit... s-s-shit, what the fuck... what the fuck was that, god fuckin' dammit, what the fuck," Mondo mutters to himself, still holding his head in his hands, trembling like a leaf. Taka wants to go forward, to comfort, but even if he could move (which he doesn't think he can, god, his legs are still so weak), he highly doubts it would help. Chances are, it would just make everything worse... "I don't know what the fuck that was, shit, I'm not... I'm not gay, I'm not fucking gay, shit, I was just tryin' ta help, what the fuck, what the fuck, T-Taka- f-fuck!"

Mondo looks up then, eyes wide and desperate and hurting and Taka... suddenly, the hurt Taka is feeling fades away. Well... sort of. Not really. It's most definitely still there, nestled firmly in his heart, likely never to leave again, and maybe it even gets worse at the look, but there's something far more pressing than his own, petty hurt. Someone more important.

"This doesn't have to change things between us, Mondo," he says softly, eyes imploring, beseeching, begging Mondo to listen, to... to hear him. Because if this is what causes him to lose Mondo... if this moment is the one that tears them apart... he will never be able to forgive himself. And the phantom pain that he feels at the thought of Mondo leaving him entirely? It far overshadows the petty hurt nestled in his heart, the pang that he really is alone in his feelings after all. He doesn't care if Mondo actually had wanted this desperately or not. He doesn't care what it means, what it implies. All he cares about is making the panic and fear he sees go away and doing whatever he can to salvage what remains of their friendship.

So, swallowing down the hurt that wants to creep back up, he smiles. And he tries to pretend that this is okay. That he is okay.

"Mondo... k-kyo-kyoudai... t-this changes nothing. We... we still are friends. Still... still are brothers... you were just helping me, I see that, I am so thankful to have such a kind and caring b-brother as you... this doesn't have to change anything... p-please..."

His words are soft and gentle, as soothing as he can manage, and he knows. He knows the desperation is still thick in his words, knows that it's audible, but he doesn't care. Right now, facing the cold reality that things may be broken beyond repair... he just doesn't care.

Mondo keeps staring at him. His eyes are wide, his breath is ragged, and he looks utterly terrified. Taka is about to talk again, to try once more to fix things, trying to find the words he doesn't even have to give to Mondo to try and fix this, but then Mondo is blinking. Slow and heavy, like he's waking from a dream. And then he's frowning, looking at the wall (not the wall they... a different one, nowhere near... that wall), and his eyebrows are furrowed, like he's thinking. Another minute passes, Taka's terror rising with each second that ticks by, and then he's looking at him again, and he… he nods.

"Nothing... nothing has ta change," Mondo mutters softly, nodding his head once more. Taka watches as he closes his eyes slowly, takes in a deep breath before letting it out, slow and steady and even and then... then...

His eyes open. And his mouth is smirking. And there's a distance in his eyes and Taka... Taka...

Taka's heart breaks, but he smiles anyway, to try and protect what little shatters remain.

"Heh... g-good... wasn't anythin', was it, was just... bros helpin' bros, yeah? Didn't mean a thing. Not a single, goddamn thing. I ain't fuckin' gay, alright? I- fuck. I'm not, I was just helpin' ya out. Like a bro does. So... yeah. Nothin's gotta change. R... r-right? Nothin'... nothin's gotta change?"

Taka's breathing is shallow again and he feels pressure behind his eyes, and he has never felt so weak, weak, weak before, but he smiles. It's painfully fake, but Mondo doesn't notice, because he can't notice, and Taka nods, quick and fast and frantic, and he hopes the sound of his heart shattering isn't too loud.

"O-of course, kyoudai! O-of... of course... nothing will change. Nothing... nothing at all."

And isn't that the sad truth?

Mondo laughs, light and breathy, and Taka almost can't take it. He wants to scream but he doesn't. He wants to cry but he can't. He just stands there and watches as the person he gave his heart and trust to so utterly shatters both beyond repair.

"S-shit... okay. I... okay. S-so... w-wanna... watch a movie?"

Honestly? Not really. What Taka would really like to do is get into bed and cry until this ache is out of his heart. But... but, he can see how fragile Mondo currently looks. He's pale and shaky, and he looks so very scared, still, underneath the cocky (heh...) exterior. He knows that, if he lets it, Mondo will let this eat away at him and Taka doesn't want that. For one, it runs the risk of Mondo freaking out again if he's left on his own, the biker refusing to ever see him, which he... can't do. And for another... well. Maybe he's also feeling a little fragile at the moment and doesn't want to be away from Mondo, either.

Even if it does hurt...

However, he should probably...

"U-um... sure! I should probably head to the bathroom... first, aha... y-you can get the movie started and I'll be right there?"

Mondo blinks at him, before nodding firmly. He stands, legs shaking, and heads to the couch. He grabs his trousers, and he roughly shoves them on, not caring about his shorts, and he heads to his DVD collection. Taka watches— aching and full of pain— for a few seconds before he turns and enters the bathroom. He makes sure to grab a fresh pair of night clothes beforehand, not wanting to have to head back into the main room while in just a towel, even though it's barely three in the afternoon. He doesn't really care.

He doesn't know how long he stays in the shower, letting the relentless down pour of hot water barrage him. He just stands there, eyes closed, and doesn't move. His body is tense again, but not nearly as bad as it had been. It seems that, despite everything, Mondo had been right. A huge part of the tension he's been carrying for... god, years, was because he's never... well. That. And now... even with how much pain he is in, even with the fear that things will still not be okay, he... he feels looser than he's been in longer than he can remember. Like he truly had had everything in him expelled out with his, er... well. You know.

It's hard to force himself to move, but eventually he manages it. He cleans himself off gingerly, using the body wash he's taken to leaving in Mondo's shower (while there is something heady about using Mondo's body wash, he doesn't actually like the scent on himself all that much... now, on Mondo... well. That's a different story) to clear his body of all... er... bodily fluids. His or... or otherwise. He even washes his hair, even though he doesn't have to that day. He just... it gives him something to do.

Eventually he gets out of the shower and grabs 'his' towel, drying off to the best of his ability. He then dresses, his hands getting slower and slower the more and more he puts on. When all he has left is his undershirt, he sighs and shirks it on, adjusting it awkwardly.

Even though he really doesn't want to, doesn't want to see what he looks like right now, his eyes can't help the way they dart up and meet his own eyes in the reflection. They look... tired. Sad. Pained. It makes it all somehow feel more... well. Real. This had happened, they had done this, this... this is something they're going to have to live with. He doesn't know what is going to happen next, what will become of them, if Mondo... if he... he just doesn't know. All he knows is that if Mondo does reject him outright, if this changes the easy friendship that they've created... it will destroy him. No matter how much pretending that he's okay may hurt, the idea of losing Mondo entirely, or even partially... it's worse. God, it's worse. Even just the thought of it.

But... how the hell is he supposed to move on now? Now that he knows what that is like, now that he knows what Mondo sounds like when he... when he's desperate and needy, and... and... h-how? How can he possibly ever move on now? Is such a thing possible? He doesn't even know. Part of him thinks he'll always love Mondo, in some way, shape, or form. And if they remain close like this... w-well. It's not like he ever imagined himself settling down and getting married, not seriously. Not when marriage isn't even a legal possibility for a person like him. But is he truly destined to feel this way... forever? Is this better than the alternative? He truly just... does not know. He wishes he did.

Taka sighs and tears his eyes away from himself, not able to bear seeing himself any longer. He is forced to do a double take, however, when his eyes glance over something that is most definitely out of the ordinary. With a pounding heart and wide eyes, Taka extends his neck and gasps at what he sees.

Practically the entire right side of his neck is covered in bruises.

Dear god... Taka raises a shaking hand and tentatively touches the bruised flesh. It feels a little tender and he hisses at the sensation, the dark and angry bruises stark against his deathly pale skin. His breath turns shallow, and his pupils dilate as he remembers just how he'd gotten these marks... the feeling of lips and teeth and tongue... the murmured words against his skin, so sweet and beautiful and meaningless... the feel of a pressing heat against his back... the feel of a too warm hand on his... h-his... w-well. It all rushes back to him as he looks at the marks and... and...

He feels himself harden...

Wincing at the feeling on his still sensitive body, he tears his eyes away from the mirror and wills his erection down. It's not helpful, he tells himself, shaking. Especially since he still isn't sure if he'd be able to, uh... take care of the problem himself, if he had to. And something tells him that Mondo wouldn't exactly be willing to do this again... not if his current reaction is anything to go by...

He can't leave the marks where they are. He just... he can't. They are so obvious, everyone is going to know exactly what happened as soon as they see him... luckily, it is winter and no one would question him if he wore a large scarf, even indoors, but... but with Mondo...

Taka's eyes fall to the cabinet below the sink, and he falls to his knees as he opens it, hands shaking as he immediately finds what he's looking for, thanks to his organization. He opens up the lid to the powdery material and grabs one of the brushes he's seen Mondo use when applying the makeup, the one time he went out to ride with his gang when they visited a couple weeks before. He stands on shaky legs, careful to not spill anything, and looks in the mirror as he carefully applies the makeup to his neck.

It... it is not perfect, that much is for sure. The makeup is not quite opaque enough, the powder providing a slight evening quality only, but it does help make the bruises look less noticeable. Instead of bright and angry, they are more muted and duller. He'll still need a scarf when outside the room, but... for now, it should do. He hopes...

Well. Not much more he can do about it now, though, can he? With a soft sigh, Taka replaces the makeup and turns to face the door. He bites his lip— which is a bit tender from how hard he'd been biting it earlier, though it luckily didn't split— as he shifts awkwardly, trying to build up the courage to exit. After a full minute, he realizes how stupid he's being and takes a deep breath. And then... he exits the bathroom.

Taka isn't sure what, exactly, he's expecting when he leaves the room. Mondo tense and refusing to look at him. The room a mess from Mondo's anger. A bunch of alien octopuses come to take over the earth... something like that, perhaps.

He isn't expecting... well. Nothing out of the ordinary.

But that's the case. He can see Mondo sitting on the couch, one arm extended along the back, lounging comfortably. The room itself is as clean as ever, with just a bit of clutter that Taka cannot seem to do away with, no matter how hard he tries. Even the wall— which his eyes dart to despite himself— is pristine again. That surprises him most of all, honestly. He'd been expecting that he'd have to clean it, his cheeks on fire and mortification filling him, but... well. He supposes that's not the case.

He must be standing in one place for too long, because suddenly Mondo's eyes are glancing back at him, an eyebrow raised.

"Hey, kyoudai. Gonna sit or what? Movie just started, ya didn't miss much."

The way he says it... so casual. So indifferent. Like it's any other day, like he always does. Like they hadn't... hadn't done that not even a half hour before.

Something cold and uncomfortable settles in Taka's heart, his stomach churning furiously as an almost nauseated feeling overtakes him. He has to take several deep breaths to even attempt to push the overwhelming feeling down, but after a minute, he feels okay enough to shakily walk over to the couch, sitting heavily on the opposite side that Mondo is sitting on. Usually... usually, he would not be so far away, would instead be pressed up tight to Mondo, a habit they'd started at one point that Taka doesn't even remember and ran with. But... but he doesn't know. If that would, well... be a good idea or not.

Would Mondo even want that? To be... to be close to him again? Mondo hasn't asked him to 'sleepover' in weeks, not since Halloween. They've just... silently agreed that that is what they would do each night, that this is normal for them. But now... would Mondo ask him to leave? Or should he just go on his own, back to his room? To sleep, all alone, in his too big bed, freezing cold despite the blankets and the heater? He... h-he... he doesn't know. He doesn't know anything, anything at all, and it's starting to hit him. The reality of this all. The truth that things might never go back to 'normal', or what passes as normal for them. That things may stay awkward and weird forever, the memory of Mondo's panic and fear burned into his brain. And he can't do anything to fix it, god, what could he hope to do to fix this, to make things better, to make Mondo not look at him like he had, with horror and panic and fear and-

"Shit, Taka. The fuck ya doin' all the way over there fer? C'mon, man. Don't be an idiot."

Taka blinks at the abrupt words, cutting into his thoughts, and Taka can't help how his head turns to face Mondo, the teen not quite looking at him, but looking in his direction. And, after several moments of silence, Mondo sighs and... and looks at him...

"C'mon. Just... get over here, okay?" Mondo mutters softly, his eyes soft like cotton, like they usually are. He watches, heart starting to race, as Mondo holds up his arm, shifting so that Taka could slot in beside him so comfortably, like he was born to fit there. And he... he should refuse, he should stay on his side of the couch, should maintain distance because the thought of being so close to Mondo after being so utterly rejected is tortuous, but- but-

Well.

He always has been weak...

Slotting against Mondo again, the biker's arm wrapping tight around him, pulling him as close as ever... it's both the cruelest bliss and the sweetest torture he's ever felt. His skin is tingling, crawling, not exactly unpleasantly but not pleasantly either, and he doesn't know if he wants to tear himself away or burrow even closer.

In the end, he stays where he is, Mondo relaxed against him, the biker giving no indication that he even remembers what happened not even an hour ago. Acting like it doesn't matter at all, like it hasn't completely upended and changed Taka's entire world. Acting like... like nothing changed at all. And Taka, he... he should be happy about that fact. It's what he'd wanted, it's what he'd been hoping for. It... he should be...

And yet...

And yet...

Maybe some part of him is disappointed.

Because he'd been so sure. You know? So sure that he finally understood. So sure that Mondo wanted it too, that he finally wasn't alone anymore. That he wasn't wrong, wasn't insane. But... but no. He's still alone. More alone than ever, in fact, because at least before he didn't know what it felt like. What it tasted like. The rush of pleasure. The wondrous heat. The... everything. Everything. But now... now, he knows that he was the only one to feel it. The only one it affected. Or... well. The only one who will allow himself to feel it. To be affected.

Because he can't tell. He truly can't. If Mondo is telling the truth that he doesn't feel like that, that he isn't... isn't gay. Or if he... if he's just scared. Like Taka was, once. It is possible he's just deflecting, pretending, too afraid of what it means to accept that he is... well. Not as straight as he'd once believed. Or maybe he is straight, and all straight men do things like that, and Taka just wouldn't know because he isn't one, so how on earth would he know? He wouldn't; he couldn't.

And he supposes it doesn't matter. If Mondo is gay or straight, or bisexual or pansexual, or any other sexuality in between or outside. It doesn't matter if he's truly attracted to him or not. Because... because clearly, if he is… he doesn't want to be. And how on earth can he change that? How on earth can he convince Mondo that it's okay, that there's nothing wrong with being attracted to men, when even he isn't sure he agrees with that? Not that he thinks there's anything wrong with homosexuality! Just... j-just...

He doesn't know.

There's a lot he doesn't know.

So, he just... he'll have to learn to live with this. With this uncertainty, this lack of understanding. It's either live with it or let it tear them apart and ruin their easy friendship and he just... he can't do that, so he has no other choice. Deal with it or let things crumble. What kind of choice is that? An easy one, clearly.

And he will have to keep this to himself. He can't exactly tell anyone... that would be absurd! And really... who would be able to understand, even if he did? They wouldn't. They'd just pity him, the poor, pathetic child who fell in love and is upset it's not all it was cracked up to be. Hina... she may be able to understand his situation better than most, since she is also not straight (pansexual, she calls herself), but he knows she would pity him, and he can't have that. And Sakura... she would be kind, she would be supportive, but she... she would look at him, through him, see all the things he's hiding and he just... he can't have that either. And his father is so out of the question it's not even funny! Haha!

So, he's alone in this. Completely and utterly alone. He's been alone his whole life and yet for some reason this fact hurts him most of all. Being alone... after so many months of being surrounded by people who don't hate him, a month plus of being around friends and close acquaintances... a month plus of being around Mondo... the thought of his solitude in this matter chills him to the bone.

But he has no other choice.

So, he must learn to live with it.

And he will.

He will.

He will.

He turns his focus to the movie, pushing his unease and discontent away. He knows he shouldn't, knows that it will just make things worse again, but he... he can't focus on it right now. He'll deal with it later, later, when he can think without the overwhelming pain and hollowness that such a thought brings. For now... he'll sit with Mondo, will allow themselves to fall into their normal routine, and he won't question anything. He won't question what this is between them, he won't question what any of this means. He'll just let himself exist and hope that things... that they eventually work out.

They spend the rest of the day watching movies, Taka even doing his homework and assignments on the small coffee table while some action movie that deals with cars that he doesn't much care for plays in the background, Mondo making his absent comments about it like he always does. He nods along, smiles, laughs when appropriate, and does his best to pretend his heart isn't breaking slowly inside his chest. Like a train wreck in slow motion...

Eventually, when nighttime falls, Taka stands awkwardly in the center of the room, fiddling with his shirt as he wonders what to do. Does he... does he leave? Does he stay? Should he assume? Should he ask? Would either option offend the biker? He... he doesn't know, he doesn't know, yet another thing he has no idea about. Sometimes he wonders if social interaction isn't more trouble than it is worth...

"Yo, Taka. Ya wanna go first, or should I? I know ya took a shower earlier, but, uh... s'up ta ya," Mondo calls out, voice steady even as he bends over and picks up the wrappers he had dropped on the floor during the 'movie marathon,' as Mondo calls them. Taka bites his lip gently, wondering if that's a hint from Mondo for something that he doesn't understand. Rather than try and puzzle it out, he just shrugs, too confused to have any hope of figuring it all out.

"U-um... you can go. I don't need a shower tonight..."

Mondo gives him a piercing look that makes Taka want to cry, for some insane reason, before the biker looks away, nodding once.

"Uh... yeah, okay. I'll be right back. Uh... make yerself comfortable, 'kay? I'll... I'll be right back. Promise."

The words are pointed, Mondo's eyes intent for all of a second, and then he's gone, into the bathroom and out of sight.

Taka takes a heavy seat back on the couch even as he hears the sound of the shower fill the room, his mind assaulting him with images of the biker, naked and panting, gripping himself in hand as he-

He stops thinking about that.

It's unhelpful.

Mondo returns quicker than usual, about fifteen minutes later, hair in soft ringlets around his shoulders, dyed blond and natural brown mingling together beautifully. He tries to smile at the biker but he's fairly certain it is strained. Mondo doesn't question it, he just smiles a strained smile in return and heads over to the bed, getting in like he always does. Taka grows tense, knowing that this is the moment, the moment everything is made a little clearer, if Mondo wants to keep up the pretense of normalcy and that nothing has changed or if he can't, if he is not able to bear being close to him, if things are truly broken, if they are broken forever, and ever, and ever, and ever-

"Turn off the lamp 'fore ya come ta bed, yeah?" Mondo grunts as he settles on the bed, stretching as he goes. Taka feels his heart pound as he stares, eyes wide, before spurring himself to action when Mondo raises an eyebrow at him. He turns off the lamp and settles on the left side of the bed, as has become his usual these days. He hesitates for a second, before facing the room, his back to Mondo. Even if Mondo wants to pretend nothing has changed, that everything is normal... it isn't. Not really. And he just... he can't handle facing Mondo tonight, like they've been doing this past week, so close they're practically one... he just can't.

He tries not to stiffen when he feels a warm arm wrap around his waist, pulling him close to a warm chest. He manages it... barely.

"G'night, Kiyo," Mondo mutters in his ear, causing him to shudder, like always. It's worse today, though, as his mind instantly reminds him of earlier, Mondo's voice in his ear, low and sensual and- not helpful, decidedly not helpful!

"G-good night... k-kyoudai..."

With that, both teens fall silent, the night air thick with words unsaid. Taka hates it, he truly does, but...

What can he do?

The heavy silence lasts them several minutes, Taka staring at the room, not daring to close his eyes for fear of what he will see if he does. He starts to assume that Mondo must have fallen asleep already when-

"Taka? Ya... ya still up?"

Heart pounding, Taka considers not responding, letting Mondo assume what he will, but...

"Y-yes..."

Mondo doesn't say anything for several long seconds, the silence returning. Taka waits with bated breath for the biker to speak and say what is on his mind. And then-

"Are ya... shit. Are ya doin' okay? I know... I- I know, earlier, ya... a-are ya okay?"

Taka lets out a slow breath at the question, biting his lip again as he thinks. Mondo... Mondo is asking this now? Why? W-why now, why... why...

"I- I... why do you ask?"

He can't answer. Not honestly. And he doesn't want to lie, doesn't want Mondo to call him out, doesn't... he just doesn't. He hears as the biker sighs and feels as his hand presses tighter to his abdomen, firm and present, and it makes his breath stutter again. He hates it. He... he hates it.

(He hates that he loves it.)

"Just... concerned 'bout ya. I don't... shit, man. I don't want ya ta be upset. An' I know... I know I was a jackass, an' I don't... I don't want ya ta be upset, 'specially not 'cuz a' me. I don't... shit, Taka, I can't... b-but if ya need ta talk, or whatever... I can listen. Can't promise I'll be much help, but I... I don't want ya ta be upset or angry, or... or in pain or whatever. I know I'm shit at things like this, but I'm tryin', kyoudai, I- I promise that I'm tryin'. Fer... fer ya, I promise I'll try..."

Taka can feel tears fill his eyes at the soft, meaningful words, and he has to close his eyes and take a deep breath to stop them from falling. It's just... every time he starts to wonder why he does all of this, why he puts himself through this misery, wonders if it's all worth it... Mondo goes and does something to show him that yes. Yes, it's worth it. Yes, this matters. Yes, what he and Mondo share... even if it isn't entirely what he wants, it matters. And not just to him. Not just to him.

Part of him wants to talk about it. About his feelings, about what happened earlier, what it means, what will happen between them now. He wants to know what Mondo had meant with his words, why he changed so abruptly after, why he... why... just- just why.

But...

But... well.

He wonders if it really matters? Yes, his feelings matter, maybe, but... well. He doesn't want to make a big deal out of things. Not if Mondo is willing to just... to just move on. And, besides, it- it does help. To know that Mondo cares. To know that he is willing, that he wants to... to help him. That he wants to help him. That he's willing to try, for him. For... for him...

When he'd initially told Mondo that things don't have to change between them, he hadn't been sure if he'd meant it, not then. Not when Mondo had looked so terrified, so horrified, so... well. And not when his heart had been so utterly hurting, his mind confused and upset.

But now... here, even if Mondo isn't exactly talking about what they had done, what had happened... he's willing to let Taka talk about it. If he wants. At least, he assumes that's what Mondo means, and he's fairly certain he knows the biker well enough by now to fully know his meaning here. And if that's the case... that he'd be willing to put aside his own internal issues, his own problems, if it would help Taka... it means something. It means everything. It means... it means that they can get passed this. Even if it's not exactly what Taka wants, it will have to be enough. Mondo had just been, er... 'helping' him earlier, and it doesn't matter what he'd felt during. Maybe all straight men act like that during sexual acts, regardless of the gender of their partner, he doesn't know. How could he? He's not straight, after all.

So... he can handle it. By himself. He doesn't want to make Mondo uncomfortable, doesn't want to run the risk of ruining things for... what? Nothing? What could he possibly get from talking about this with Mondo? He won't get what he truly wants, he knows that. And maybe he could get some peace of mind, could finally understand what is going on, but is that really worth possibly upsetting Mondo and ruining things? No. Hell no. He doesn't care about this enough to run even the slightest risk of hurting Mondo and ruining what they have.

If Mondo is willing to move on... to move passed what happened and keep the easy relationship they've got... to show that he cares, at the very least... well. Then that's all he really needs.

With that in mind, Taka shifts his hand, and he links it with Mondo's, holding it tight and showing that he means what he is about to say. He's still not quite ready to turn around and face the biker, to press his face against his chest and entwine their legs like they've been doing the past week and a half, but he is ready for this.

Mondo squeezes his hand back and Taka... Taka smiles.

"You have nothing to worry about, kyoudai. What happened... it was... a lot. And it may take me some time to process it all. But I am not upset with you. You... you are perfect, and I am not upset with you, not at all. Please... please believe me when I say that."

His words are soft. Barely a whisper. It seems wrong to be any louder. But he needn't worry. Mondo hears him. He always does.

"... okay, Taka. If yer sure. Just... I know I ain't the best at talkin' 'bout feelin's an' shit... but if ya need me ta... I'll try. Promise."

Taka closes his eyes at the words again, and he can't help the bittersweet smile on his lips. Truly, will he ever find as perfect a man as Mondo? He can feel Mondo settling behind him, the tension leaving him as he relaxes, and pretty soon he can hear the telltale soft snores that indicate the biker has fallen asleep. He can feel exhaustion radiating through him, but his mind refuses to relax enough to let him sleep.

Things themselves aren't perfect. He knows that. After all, things rarely— if ever— are. But... but they are good. They are good, and he is content. This is enough for him— it will be enough for him. His feelings inside are tumultuous and tremulous, but he's not upset with Mondo. Well... not really. At least... any upset he may have been feeling has been dissipated by the biker's words. And that's the truth, truly. While he may feel some disappointment still, it's not exactly Mondo's fault. He'd not promised anything, after all. Just that he would help. And, well... he'd done that, hadn't he? Anything else is just him being stupid, having feelings like hope. He truly should know better by now.

He will deal with this. He will, he swears. He just... he may need some time before he can fully accept everything that happened this day, that's all. After all, while he is slowly— very slowly— coming to terms with his sexuality... well. It is still a little shocking just how much he'd enjoyed what they'd done earlier. How much his body fervently enjoyed it and how much... well. How much he still craves it, even now. Mondo touching him, holding him tight... if he'd thought what they'd done would make it easier to deal with, he'd been a fool. If anything, it's more complicated now. He just hopes that his, er... nightly issues aren't going to keep occurring... that would just make this all more awkward.

After all, it's not like Mondo will ever want to do anything like that again.

... right?

Mondo: hey, bro... is it gay to see your best friend getting all tense, suggest he masturbate to fix it, then when he confesses that he's not sure he can do such a thing, offer to show him how, and then— when he still can't— offer to do it for him? And then get painfully aroused at the feel of your hand on his junk? Is that gay, bro?

Taka, who is already mentally imagining Mondo pounding the hell out of him: ... uh... no?

Mondo, who is imagining the exact same thing: ... oh, uh... cool. Bro.

AN: HA. These dumb little idiots. God, I love them so.

So! Lots of progress here! And also, lots of regression! Oh well. You win some, you lose some... ha. I know I always go "so, this was unexpected!" But this? Heck's no. I've been planning this little gem since the Halloween chapter, ha. At first it was a "man, this would never work, but it's nice to think about." But then it was all, "... actually... you know what, maybe... maybe it could work..."

And I did consider making Mondo be perfectly fine with it. I even wrote part of it, him being all "well, guess we shouldn't call each other kyoudai anymore, haha," but not only would that ruin a lot of what I have planned, it didn't feel right with my personal characterization of Mondo. Because... let's not kid ourselves here. He's in love with Taka. Like... desperately and completely. He just... refuses to acknowledge it. Like Taka, but even worse, since he knows he does feel attraction to women. And I get into Mondo's thoughts about bisexuality later on, so I won't spoil it here.

But just... this chapter is a huge turning point in their relationship. So far, we've done the whole "enemies to friends" part of this. Now we're at the whole "friends to lovers" part, but we have a pit stop in the whole "friends to friends-with-benefits" station.

Anyway. I hope this chapter doesn't seem like it completely came out of nowhere. I've been trying to subtly build up to it since Halloween, since I knew I wanted to go down this path since back then. With Mondo taking Taka out on the date, to Taka letting Mondo completely in, to them 'baring themselves' to one another... it's a gradual progression, so gradual it's hard for them to even notice it, ha.

---

Mondo: hey, bro... is it gay to see your best friend getting all tense, suggest he masturbate to fix it, then when he confesses that he's not sure he can do such a thing, offer to show him how, and then— when he still can't— offer to do it for him? And then get painfully aroused at the feel of your hand on his junk? Is that gay, bro?

Taka, who is already mentally imagining Mondo pounding the hell out of him: ... uh... no?

Mondo, who is imagining the exact same thing: ... oh, uh... cool. Bro.

HA. These dumb little idiots. God, I love them so.

So! Lots of progress here! And also, lots of regression! Oh well. You win some, you lose some... ha. I know I always go "so, this was unexpected!" But this? Heck's no. I've been planning this little gem since the Halloween chapter, ha. At first it was a "man, this would never work, but it's nice to think about." But then it was all, "... actually... you know what, maybe... maybe it could work..."

And I did consider making Mondo be perfectly fine with it. I even wrote part of it, him being all "well, guess we shouldn't call each other kyoudai anymore, haha," but not only would that ruin a lot of what I have planned, it didn't feel right with my personal characterization of Mondo. Because... let's not kid ourselves here. He's in love with Taka. Like... desperately and completely. He just... refuses to acknowledge it. Like Taka, but even worse, since he knows he does feel attraction to women. And I get into Mondo's thoughts about bisexuality later on, so I won't spoil it here.

But just... this chapter is a huge turning point in their relationship. So far, we've done the whole "enemies to friends" part of this. Now we're at the whole "friends to lovers" part, but we have a pit stop in the whole "friends to friends-with-benefits" station.

Anyway. I hope this chapter doesn't seem like it completely came out of nowhere. I've been trying to subtly build up to it since Halloween, since I knew I wanted to go down this path since back then. With Mondo taking Taka out on the date, to Taka letting Mondo completely in, to them 'baring themselves' to one another... it's a gradual progression, so gradual it's hard for them to even notice it, ha.