Chapter 4

Nesta

Something had happened while she was gone to the Spring Court, Nesta could sense it. Cassian was troubled, and seemed to spend a lot of time staring at her when he thought she wouldn't notice. His stare, however, was not loving, or affectionate, or even lustful. No, it certainly wasn't lustful. Their sex life had become less and less active lately, and it definitely was troubling her. No, his stare was...empty. Completely empty.

And with every passing day, that emptiness spread to her, grew inside her, ripping open old wounds.

Nesta was hiding out in the library in the House, sipping a cup of freshly brewed tea her friend had delivered to her. She wasn't reading, strangely, and was instead simply sitting in front of the window, watching a rain storm rolling in over the city. There was a creaking behind her of the library door opening, and Nesta heard down the hall the voice of her two favorite people in the world. Apparently the House was giving her a heads up that she had guests.

A few seconds later, Emerie and Gwyn burst through the door, giggling madly. Nesta grinned when she saw them, getting to her feet.

"What are you two so giddy about?" she asked as the two females fell into their customary seats.

"Gwyn was just telling me about her and Azriel's trip to the coast last week, and how they went skinny dipping by moonlight," Emerie said, a wicked smile on her face.

Gwyn hid her face in her hands, her pale skin beat red.

"Oo yes!" Nesta sat back down, wiggling slightly in her chair with excitement. "Do start over from the beginning, and don't leave out any details."

Gwyn shot her a mock glare, before laughing again and launching into the story. Nesta listened intently, but inevitably her mind started to drift to her own mate. Cassian used to invite her places, try to convince her to go on vacations with him, but she had always declined. Where did she want to go? She had everything she needed right here in her beloved House, surrounded by her friends and family. Her only inclination for travel was to the Spring Court to see Elain, and even that was more than she cared for.

But in moments like this, listening to Gwyn gush about her romantic adventures with her shadowsinger, Nesta wondered if she ought to have said yes to Cassian, at least once.

"Hey, you okay?" Emerie asked, nudging Nesta with her wing. Nesta turned to the Illyrian, a sheepish smile on her face.

"Yea, sorry, just thinking."

"About?" Gwyn prodded, and Nesta sighed.

"I don't know," she hedged. "I'm just tired, I think."

"Cassian keeping you busy?" Emerie asked suggestively. Nesta tried to fake a smile, tried to give her friend the reaction she was expecting, but couldn't do it. Instead, her face broke, and she let out a half choke, half sobbing sound.

"Nesta!" Gwyn cried, rushing forward and kneeling next to Nesta's chair. "What's wrong?"

Nesta shook her head.

"I'm losing him," she said miserably.

"Who? Cassian?" Emerie asked, stunned. Nodding, Nesta forced herself to look up into her friend's faces.

"I think he's mad at me, but won't say so. I have no idea why he's been acting so...he's like a shadow!"

Gwyn bit her lip, glancing away guiltily.

"You know something," Nesta said, noticing Gwyn's behavior. Gwyn sat back on her heels.

"Not really, well maybe a little," she sighed. "Azriel has been really worried about Cassian too, he's been acting strange with everyone else as well."

"So it probably has nothing to do with you, Nesta." Emerie assured her. "He's just going through something."

But Nesta didn't hear her, she was staring at Gwyn intently.

"Az is Cassian's best friend. Surely he has some thoughts on why he's acting this way."

Gwyn flushed with embarrassment, which was answer enough for Nesta. She gripped her hands tightly on the arms of the chair, anger welling inside her

"If Cassian has a problem with me," she hissed, "he should fucking say so, not mope around like brooding male with a wounded ego."

Emerie and Gwyn exchanged looks, Gwyn quietly going back to her seat.

"Az thinks Cas is probably just feeling a little lost in your relationship, that's all," Gwyn muttered. "He doesn't think Cas is angry with you."

Nesta snorted.

"Poor Cassian, everyone is so worried about him, fawning over him!" Her back was rigid, and Nesta felt the remnants of her power flickering through her blood. "Is that what everyone is doing, talking about us behind our backs, about how I'm wrong for him?"

"No one thinks that!" Emerie assured her, wings flaring out in response to her aggitation.

"Nesta…" Gwyn said soothingly. "Forget about what Cassian is going through. What are you feeling? What's going on?"

Nesta blinked, some of her anger going away as Gwyn's voice washed over her.

"I-" she swallowed, her voice tight. "I'm so tired." Something in Nesta cracked at the words. "I'm tired of trying, I'm tired of not being good enough for him. It's not fair! Why did the Mother pair me with a male like him, a male that I will never be enough for."

"You are enough for him!" Gwyn said forcefully, but Nesta shook her head.

"No, I'm not. I see it in his eyes. He would never say it outloud, because he doesn't want to hurt me, but I see it. I disappoint him constantly. And I am exhausted from it all. Trying to stop that voice in my head telling me I am just a hateful, cruel bitch who doesn't deserve anything good in my life, trying to stop myself from lashing out and hurting people, trying to learn who I actually fucking am behind all this bullshit, and being everything Cassian wants me to be? I can't do it all!"

"If Cassian is putting pressure on you to change, that's his problem, not yours," Emerie said harshly. "He knew who you were when he fell in love with you. That's not fair for him to expect you to become someone else."

Fair, it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that she was forced into a life long relationship before she was ready, before she was healed enough to handle it. It wasn't fair that people expected more from her than she was capable of giving. It wasn't fair that she was feeling guilty for something she had no control over. She hadn't chosen Cassian, he was chosen for her, and she him. If it wasn't for the mating bond, would they ever have even looked at each other twice? Nesta doubted it.

The cold hard truth of that hit her like a punch in the gut, and she doubled over, putting her face in her hands.

"I just can't imagine my life without him," she gasped. "But I don't...I don't think I'm happy. I was at first. When I was with him, it felt like nothing else in the world mattered. We were so passionate, and he was...the perfect distraction. I didn't have to be anything or anyone with him inside me. I could just exist. But now we are barely even having sex anymore, and without it I don't know what's left."

Gwyn hesitated for a moment, then spoke. "Nesta, before you and Cas got together, you were out drinking and screwing strangers every night, right?"

"Yea, what's your point?" Nesta snapped, and Gwyn winced. "Sorry, I didn't mean to do that." Nesta said quickly, and Gwyn nodded.

"It's fine. I was wondering, well the way you just described your relationship, it reminded me of what you told us why you were doing all those things before Cassian. So you wouldn't have to think or feel, so you would be distracted."

Nesta and Emerie both stared at Gwyn, a sinking feeling settling in Nesta's gut.

"Did I…" she gulped, starting over. "Are you saying I having been using Cassian the same way I used alcohol and meaningless sex?"

Gwyn shrugged, and Emerie shuffled her wings uncomfortably. A silence fell over the three of them, Nesta unable to process everything she had just admitted.

"I don't know who I am without him," Nesta muttered, "but I don't know who I am with him either. Does that make sense?"

"You are Nesta fucking Archeron," Emerie said fiercly. "You are Lady Death, killer of gods. You are the female who sliced Hyber's head from his shoulders. You are one of the first ever females to participate in the Blood Rite. You're an avid reader, a warrior, a friend, a sister, an aunt. You are loyal, and brave, and strong, and so much more than just Cassian's mate."

Nesta felt her heart ache at her friend's words, and she reached out to Emerie. Emerie reached back, grasping Nesta's hand.

"Thank you," Nesta said quietly.

"I think you and Cassian need to talk," Gwyn held Nesta's other hand. "It isn't right for both of you to be hurting like this. Just be honest with him. Cassian could never hate you."

Nesta nodded tightly, mulling over those words. Could Cassian ever hate her? There were a few times she thought he did, especially when they first met. Was it the mating bond that made him change his mind about her, or was it Nesta herself? Was it the mating bond that changed her mind about him?

It was too much, too much to think about all at once, and it started to overwhelm her.

"Do you want to talk about something else?" Emerie asked, and Nesta nodded mutely.

Emerie and Gwyn obliged, changing the subject to something casual, while Nesta stewed in her feelings. What if Cassian was realizing that the only reason he had ever wanted her was because of the bond? What if her worst nightmare was coming true, and he was starting to realize she didn't deserve him?

To Nesta's shock, she felt relief at that thought. Relief? Yes...yes it was relief. If he finally understood that, it took a huge weight off her shoulders, a weight she never wanted to carry in the first place.

It wasn't fair, none of this. It wasn't her fault. It was the Mother's, or the Cauldron's, or whoever decided mating bonds in the first place they were in this mess, and it was Cassian's, for making her believe he would always love her just as she was, that she didn't need to change for him.

Resentment replaced her relief, and Nesta felt her simmering rage writhing beneath the surface, begging to be unleashed.