Chapter 5
It was the night of the monthly family dinner at the river house, and they were all gathered around the large table in Rhys and Feyre's home. Although everyone was trying to act as normal as possible, more than one set of eyes continuously darted in Cassian and Nesta's direction throughout the evening. Every time Cassian noticed, he shrunk a little bit further into himself, while the constant looks simply fanned the flames of Nesta's anger higher.
Gwyn and Emerie did their best to keep the topics of conversation light and cheerful, unaware that Rhys was doing the same thing. Between the three of them, they managed to get through the first half of the dinner without any awkward or tense moments.
Cassian, however, still looked grim, so as dessert was being brought out Feyre nudged her son to go join his uncle further down the table. Cassian managed a smile as Nyx approached, dragging a chair over to wedge himself between Cassian and Nesta.
"Uncle Cas, when can we go back to Illyria? I want to train with the other boys," Nyx asked, and Feyre gave him a small nod of approval, which did not go unnoticed by Nesta.
Was her sister butting her nose into her and Cassian's business? So typical of Feyre, Nesta thought, she thinks she knows best about everything. Of course she would use her son against them, to literally drive a wedge between her and Cassian.
Nesta's temper continued to roar in her chest, and she sat there stiffly, ignoring Nyx and Cassian next to her.
Rhys's star flecked eyes were monitoring Nesta closely, sensing her growing rage. After a few more minutes of idle conversation, Rhys determined the risk was too great.
"Mor," he turned to his cousin, "weren't you saying you had something you wanted to show Nyx outside?"
Mor cast him a confused look, and he gave her a mental nudge.
"Oh, right!" Mor grinned. "Come on kid, you are gonna love this."
"What is it!" Nyx leapt out of his chair, so excited waves of darkness burst out from him and rolled over the table. The adults all chuckled at the boy's enthusiasm as Mor led him away.
As the darkness faded, however, Nesta was not amused. She doubted very much Mor had anything planned for Nyx, and Rhys had just asked her to get his son away from her. The arrogant prick, he really thought she would ever do anything to hurt Nyx? To upset him? She hated Rhys in that moment, hated him so much she could barely breathe.
Nyx was her nephew, her flesh and blood, what right did Rhys have to keep the boy away?
"So, Nesta," Feyre's voice cut through her thoughts, "how are things going with the new Valkyries from the Autumn Court?"
Nesta slowly turned on her gaze on her sister, and every person at the table tensed at the look in Nesta's eyes.
"Why?" Nesta asked tersely, and Feyre blinked.
"I was just wondering. It was the first group Eris has allowed to join, afterall. I was curious how they are adapting."
"They're doing great," Gwyn quickly cut in. "Nervous, of course, but they aren't as uncomfortable as those females from Spring that came a few months ago."
"I don't need your help handling my troops," Nesta said venomously, and the entire table fell quiet. Feyre arched an eyebrow, sitting back in her chair.
"I wasn't offering help, it was just a question." Feyre couldn't keep the weariness out of her voice, and Cassian's eyes snapped to his friend's face. He could see it plainly on every inch of Feyre, she was mentally preparing for a fight, to defend herself from her sister's onslaught.
"Sure," Nesta snorted dismissively. "And Mor isn't out there making up some bullshit surprise for Nyx right now either."
"Enough, Nesta," Feyre said, her brow pinching together. "If you don't want to answer, that's fine, I was just asking."
"You were snooping," Nesta hissed. "Because you can't stand the idea that someone else other than you and your beloved mate might know what they're doing. What do you know about leading legions? Commanding soldiers? Nothing, so keep your self righteous nose out of it."
That was officially too much for Rhys, who stared at Nesta hard.
"I think it's time for you to leave," he said, his voice a deadly calm, and Nesta rolled her eyes.
"Feyre is the queen, let her stand up for herself, for once," Nesta said nastily. "Or have you forgotten how to do that after letting Rhys fight all your battles for you for so long?"
"Nesta…" Emerie said, trying to calm her friend down, but Nest didn't hear her.
"Look at you," Nest gestured to Feyre, who sat unmoving. "What happened to that girl who fought for everything she had, who stared down the most evil fae in the world without flinching. You've gotten lazy, and soft, letting everyone fawn over you, cursebreaker," Nesta spat, and Rhys leapt to his feet.
"Get, out," he snarled, his dark power filling the room. Nesta stood, smirking cruelly down at her sister.
"Still nothing to say?" she sneered.
Cassian watched Feyre's face, begging Feyre to say or do something. Silently, Feyre turned to meet his gaze, and in those beautiful blue eyes Cassian saw nothing but a deep sorrow and exhaustion.
It made his entire body go cold as Cassian recognized that look. She had often worn it in her first days in Valeris. It was the look of a person who was totally beaten down, resigned to suffering, and who had long ago given up fighting.
Feyre was one of the strongest people he had ever known. She had endured and survived so much, but in the face of her sister's wrath she was still that 14 year old girl alone in the woods with no one to rely on but herself, and she was exhausted from it.
How had he let this happen? Feyre was his friend, his sister. No one made the people he loved feel like that in front of him, made them feel small. And yet...and yet he had been sitting by while Nesta did that to Feyre for years. He had stopped fighting for his friend, had stopped defending her from her first abuser in this world. And that is what Nesta was. She may have never raised a hand to Feyre, but she had always gone out of her way to make Feyre feel worthless and insignificant, had taken all Feyre had to give. Nesta had given up the majority of her power for Feyre and Nyx, that was true, but it was a power she never even wanted in the first place.
Fiery rage welled within him. This bond between him and Nesta had changed him, had turned him into a shit excuse of a friend. Had made him turn his back on his loved ones and for what? A female that turned him into a shadow of himself, a female who confronted her trauma by inflicting trauma on others and never said she was sorry. Cassian remembered, he was the one who told her she didn't have to, that she should only apologize to those she felt like it was necessary. Feyre never seemed to fit into that category, and neither did he. Well enough was enough. He was done standing by.
"Nesta, stop," Cassian said, his voice harder and colder than he had ever spoken to Nesta before. She froze, and slowly turned to him, her eyes wide. Cassian met her gaze, meeting her fire with his own. "Apologize to Feyre."
There was a collective intake of breath from around the table, Rhys moving himself slightly in front of Feyre, and across the table Azriel did the same for Gwyn. The tension in the air was palpable. Cassian had never stood up to Nesta in front of the family before, never rebuked her like this since their mating, not once.
Nesta looked like Cassian had smacked her, and she gaped at him.
"What did you just say?" she breathed.
"Apologize to your sister, or go home," Cassian repeated, standing up as well. Nesta glanced to Amren, and found no sympathy there. Amren was studying Cassian with a curious look on her face, and Nesta turned back to her mate.
"I'm not apologizing," Nesta met his tone, not backing down.
"Then we are leaving." Cassian grabbed Nesta's arm, not roughly, and dragged her from the dining room.
"Wait!" Gwyn called after them, but Azriel held her back. "We can't just let them go like this," she snatched her arm away from her mate, but the dining room doors slammed shut. Gwyn whirled on Rhys who stared at her without flinching.
"You know as well as we do that this has been a long time coming," he told her. Gwyn opened her mouth to argue, but Amren cut her off.
"Let it go, girl. This isn't your fight."
"What the fuck do you think you're doing," Nesta hissed, trying to pull her arm out of Cassian's grip, but he did not let go.
"Not here," he said angrily, casting a look over his shoulder. Nesta realized he didn't want Nyx to accidentally hear their argument, because that was where this was headed, and Nesta was more than ready for it.
As soon as they were outside, Cassian pulled her into his arms and launched into the sky for an extremely uncomfortable trip back to the House. They avoided each other's eyes as the cool air whipped around them, not saying a word. As soon as they landed, Nesta stormed inside, Cassian close on her heels.
"How dare you," Nesta shouted, whirling on him as soon as they were within the walls of the House. "How dare you speak to me like that in front of them!"
Cassian took a deep breath. There was no turning back now.
"Do you even see it, how you still hurt Feyre when you talk to her like that? Do you even care anymore, or have you gotten so used to no one saying anything about how you treat her that you stopped giving a shit?"
Nesta blinked in surprise, then drew herself up to her full height.
"And why, exactly, do you give a shit?" Silver flames flickered behind her eyes. "You told me I could take all the time I needed. You told me I didn't need to apologize. You told me I wasn't broken!"
She was yelling now, her entire body shaking with anger.
"You stopped trying!" Cassian yelled back. "You realized that no one was going to stand up to you after what you did for Feyre and Nyx, after what you did in the war, and you stopped caring about if you hurt people!"
"How could you say that?" Nesta gripped the dining table next to her. "Of course I care! I was defending myself, they started it, just like they always do! Questioning my every move, trying to make me feel inferior. How dare you not take my side!"
"Stop projecting your insecurities onto Feyre and Rhys, they have done nothing but support and believe in you," Cassian snarled. "Feyre is your biggest supporter, after all this time, after all the harm you have caused her."
Cassian took a step forward, his wings flared in his anger. "I'm done taking your side when you are blatantly wrong, when you are lashing out and refusing to take responsibility for your actions after. I am done cowering away from your anger because I am afraid of what you will do!"
Nesta's eyes widened, unable to believe what she was hearing. It was happening, the worst was happening. He had turned on her, just like he always promised he never would. He was finally seeing her as the monster she was.
"You're a liar!" she screamed, silver flames licking at her knuckles. "You promised me you loved me for who I was, you promised me I didn't need to change!"
"I'm not asking you to change who you are!" Cassian roared back. "I am asking you to treat the people you love with basic respect, and when you screw up to take responsibility for it! You twist everyone's words all the time to make yourself the victim, but guess what Nesta, you aren't!"
The words were coming out all wrong, but Cassian couldn't stop them. Ten years of resentment, of pain, of hurts unspoken were pouring out of him.
"I'm not the one who's been acting like a victim," Nesta sneered. "I'm not the one who has been moping around like a child who's toy was taken away. You're pathetic, Cassian! So desperate for my attention you throw temper tantrums when you don't get it. Is that really what this is about? You're trying to punish me because I don't do and say exactly what you want me to?"
"Don't mock me," Cassian growled. "I am not a bad person because I want to have an actual conversation now and then with my mate, rather than just fucking all the time." Rhys' words from before warmed him, giving him strength. He was not a bad person for having his own needs, for wanting the bare minimum.
"Of course not. You're perfect, Cassian, so fucking perfect. No one can ever measure up to you, especially me."
"That's not what I said!" Cassian tried to cut in, but Nesta ignored him.
"Is that why you won't have sex with me lately? You're trying to prove a point?"
"I'm not your fucking sex toy, Nesta!" Cassian yelled back. "But that's all I am to you anymore, all I ever was. Someone you could fuck without feeling guilty, then walk away knowing I would follow and never stand up to you. All you have done is take and take from me, and I have nothing left to give, Nesta!" Cassian's voice cracked on the last sentence, his heartbreak showing through.
Nesta recoiled at his display of emotion, her anger at him and her self loathing warring in her heart.
"I never took what you didn't freely give, Cassian," her voice dropped. "Don't blame me for your weakness."
Cassian let out a half choked laugh.
"Of course it's my fault, not yours. Of course you aren't to blame for any of this mess. You never are."
"Shut up!" Nesta shrieked, her entire body shaking. "It's not my fault! You told me I was enough for you, you told me I didn't need to change, but you lied! It's not my fault now after all this time you changed your mind!"
Growling in frustration, Cassian stormed forward and grabbed Nesta by the shoulders.
"You aren't listening to me!" he thundered. "You only ever listen to me when I am saying what you want to hear! "
Nesta threw him off her, storming away. There was a roaring in her head, she couldn't think, could barely breathe as the rage consumed her mind.
"Was any of it real?" she snapped back at him, stopping before she went outside. "Was any of it ever real, or was it the mating bond making you love me?"
Cassian froze at the question, his eyes wide.
"I don't know," he admitted before he could stop himself.
Nesta let out a high-pitched, broken laugh, before rushing outside and down the steps. Cassian stood in the dining room, breathing hard. He didn't follow her.