Chapter 7

Nesta

Those three days felt like the longest of her life. Nesta stayed in the House, just as Rhys had ordered, waiting for something to happen. The first two days, no one came to see her, not even Emerie and Gwyn. The House continued to ignore her, only providing the bare minimum care to make sure she had food and water.

Nesta could barely breathe, could barely think at first, spending all her time sitting in a chair staring at the wall. But then, she couldn't take it anymore, and went to the training circles where she worked herself to exhaustion. She missed her Valkyrie unit, and wondered what excuse was being made for her absence.

Would Rhys and Feyre allow her to continue to lead the Valkyries after this? What if they took the House away from her as well? Although, it seemed the House had made its own mind in that regard. Without Cassian, what did she really have, what was truly hers?

Around lunch time on the third day, Nesta was sitting in the library staring out the window when there was a soft knock on the door. Nesta whirled around, hoping to see Cassian walk in, but deflated when Feyre poked her head in instead.

"Hey," Feyre greeted, taking in Nesta's state. Nesta stared back for a moment, then collapsed into her chair.

"Here to kick me out?" she asked bitterly, and Feyre frowned, stepping into the library fully and shutting the door behind her.

"This is your home, I couldn't just take it from you even if I wanted to."

Nesta snorted.

"The High Queen of the fae can do whatever she wants." Nesta appraised Feyre for a moment. "Why are you here then?"

Feyre sighed and lowered herself into a chair opposite Nesta.

"I just came from seeing Cassian."

Nesta perked up at that, leaning forward.

"Is he okay?" she asked hurriedly, and Feyre shrugged.

"He's fine, all things considered. I think he will come back soon."

Nesta sagged with relief before staring out the window again.

"It's over," she said quietly. "I've lost him."

"Did you really want to keep him?" Feyre prodded, and Nesta whipped around, her eyes flashing.

"What kind of stupid question is that?" she snapped.

"A sincere one," Feyre fidgeted with agitation. "Look, all I know is what I have seen over the past few years. Neither of you have been happy in a long time, Nesta, no matter how hard we all tried to pretend otherwise. I don't know what you were thinking last night when you fucked that male, but is it possible some part of you knew exactly what you were doing, and was looking for a way out of this mess?"

Nesta gaped at her. The presumptuous little…

"Oh don't look at me like that, you lost the right to be offended," Feyre snapped, and Nesta shut her mouth.

"I don't want to lose everything," she said after a moment. "I don't want to lose my home, my family, my life. How could you think that?"

Feyre tilted her head.

"You aren't going to lose your home, your family, or your life. Sure Rhys briefly considered banishing you from Pyrthian, but that was just his temper talking. He would never actually go through with it."

Nesta blinked at her sister for a moment.

"So," she swallowed, "you aren't going to take the Valkyries away from me? You don't...you don't hate me?"

Feyre offered Nesta a sad smile.

"I could never hate you, Nesta. And no, as long as you're willing to lead, the Valkyries will always be yours, and the Night Court your home."

A wave of relief hit Nesta so strong, she closed her eyes and let out a trembling breath to brace against it. Feyre watched her, frowning.

"I don't know about everyone else. I can probably make some guesses about who and who will not readily forgive you, but you will always have me and Elain, no matter what happens."

Nesta shook her head, tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

"I think the fact that you were more worried about losing the Valkyries than you were about losing Cas says a lot," Feyre continued. "Whatever you two decide, all I ask is that you do it as peacefully as you can. I don't want to see either one of you hurt any more."

Nesta nodded, and Feyre stood up, heading for the door.

"Feyre," Nesta called out, and Feyre paused, looking over her shoulder. "I'm sorry, for how I acted at dinner." Nesta managed to choke out. "You didn't deserve that."

Feyre smiled.

"It's okay, I forgive you." With that, she left the library where Nesta remained, waiting for Cassian to come back.

Cassian found Nesta the next morning at the dining table. She jumped to her feet when she saw him land on the balcony, her plain breakfast discarded. Cassian approached slowly, his wings tucking in close behind his back.

"Hey," he said, his voice hoarse.

"Hi," Nesta breathed. They stared at each other for a moment before Cassian let out a defeated sigh.

"Sit down," he gestured to the chair Nesta had just vacated, and she obeyed while Cassian pulled up a chair so that they were facing each other.

"Cassian, I know there's nothing I can say or do that will make up for what I did," Nesta began, the words tumbling out of her, "but I am so, so sorry."

Cassian's eyes never left her face, and the way he was looking at her was as if he was trying to memorize it. Like he would never see it again.

"I don't forgive you," he muttered finally, and Nesta felt the words like a punch in the gut. "I will...someday. But I'm not ready yet."

Tears springing to her eyes, Nesta nodded. She understood, she really did. But if he could forgive her eventually, perhaps there was still hope. The mating bond pulsed wildly between them, pulling them towards each other, and both found they were having trouble breathing.

"I know everything is screwed up right now," Nesta continued. "But I don't want to give up on this, on us. Please, can we try again? I can't keep going without you."

Cassian peered at her, his heart pounding in his chest. Every instinct in his body was screaming at him to take her in his arms, to claim her, to tell her over and over that everything would be okay.

"Nesta, is that really what you want?"

Nesta was shaking slightly, the bond swirling in her just as strongly as it was Cassian. It chanted in the back of her mind as she looked at him,

Mine, mine, mine.

But her conversation with Feyre floated through the noise. What did she really want?

"You and I have been bull-shitting this relationship for years now," Cassian pressed. "Neither of us were really happy. Neither of us chose this, not really."

"Cassian," Nesta let out a small sob.

"Nesta, be honest with yourself. If it wasn't for the bond, if you hadn't looked at me that first time and known, would you have been interested in me at all?"

Nesta shook her head. It was a question she had asked herself many times lately, knew the answer, but wasn't ready to admit it outloud. The bond strained tighter between them, causing almost physical pain, and Cassian let out a low growl. This was unbearable.

"I love you," she gasped out, not answering his question, and Cassian shook his head back and forth.

"We deserve to be happy, don't we?" he asked, his grip on the arms of his chair he was close to shattering the wood.

The bond ached, and Nesta was practically panting now as she stared Cassian down. The bond writhed and lashed at them, desperate in its quest for self preservation, wild in its dominating need to keep this couple together.

"I," she licked her lips. "I can't think straight." She launched herself at Cassian, who caught her mid air as their mouths collided in a furious release. The bond hummed, finally backing off as they tore at each other, clothes being quickly discarded. Within moments, Cassian was inside her, Nesta's screams of pleasure echoing through the room.

Her back on the table with Cassian above her, Nesta clawed at his back and his wings while he thrust over and over. This was no loving joining, it was not tender or passionate. It was raw and animalistic, driven by instinct only. After a few moments of they both came with cries of ecstasy.

Panting, Cassian stared into the wood grain of the table, his mind clearing. Anger replaced his blind lust, and he pulled away from Nesta, quickly pulling on clothes.

"That shouldn't have happened," he spat as Nesta got onto shaky legs. Her mind was also quiet again, but only for the time being. She could sense the mating bond lurking there, ready to strike again if they didn't agree to stay together.

"It would be like this, all the time if we separated," she whispered as she gathered her clothes. "The bond would constantly be yanking us back, driving us mad. Is that really better than just trying to make this work?"

Cassian took a deep, shuddering breath as she clothed herself, gathering his thoughts.

"You and I were never meant for each other, not really," he began, and Nesta looked up at him questioningly. "I think we were brought together to save each other's lives, to keep each other going when the world needed us, but whoever decided that didn't give a shit if we made it any further, if we made each other happy."

Pulling her dress over her head, Nesta let it fall around her as she felt a cold pit settle in her stomach.

"You've already decided," she said, and Cassian slowly nodded.

"I want a chance, Nesta, to choose for myself what my happiness looks like. And I want you to be able to do the same. I want a family Nesta, I want a partner who will talk to me about the stupid things I want to talk about, who will come with me to Illyria and help me keep my people in line, I want so much that you don't."

"I do want children," Nesta muttered, "And I could do those other things, if you let me try."

"I'm not sure you do want kids," Cassian smiled grimly at her, brushing a hair out of her face. "And that's fine. If you aren't ready, or if you decide you never want them, that's your choice, but I know what I want, and it isn't fair to you to put my expectation on you while you're still figuring things out." He brushed his thumb over Nesta's trembling lips. "And I want someone who wants to do that other stuff with me, not because they feel obliged but because they enjoy it. You were right when you said it wasn't fair for me to expect you to be different, to suddenly want all these things you never wanted before. You deserve someone who will bring you joy without having to compromise who they are to do so, and so do I."

He was right, and they both knew it. Nesta felt a longing inside of her she never felt before, a longing for what he described. A relationship where she didn't doubt everything she did, where she wasn't constantly worrying that she was driving her partner away, that she didn't have to devote so much time and energy into fighting her insecurities every day.

The reality was, she hadn't been ready for a long term relationship when the mating bond had brought her and Cassian together, she had so much more healing and growth she had to do, and was still figuring out who she was. Trying to do that inside the shackles of the mating bond was holding her back.

That very bond nagged at them painfully, but they ignored it. When their eyes met again, they both knew what the decision was.

"This is going to be hard," Nesta muttered. "The bond is going to drive us crazy trying to keep us together."

"I know," Cassian frowned. "But I think that is why we need to fight it, fight for our choice."

Their choice. The choice they never got to make, they would take it for themselves now, no matter how painful it was.

"Hey," Cassian tilted Nesta's chin to look up at him. "I don't regret it, Nesta. I don't regret you. And no matter what happens, I will always believe in you, always be your friend."

Tears welled in Nesta's eyes and she wrapped her arms around his neck, holding him to her tightly.

"I'll always love you," she whispered. "Thank you, for everything."

Separating, they each took a deep breath, staring deeply into each other's eyes.

"I reject the mating bond," Cassian said, his voice deep. "I forsake my oaths to this female, and choose to live without her."

The bond cracked between them, and they both gasped, doubling over in pain.

"I reject the mating bond," Nesta gasped, clutching her chest. "I forsake my oaths to this male, and choose to live without him."

The bond snapped, and Cassian sunk to his knees from the agony. Nesta stumbled backwards, hugging herself tightly as the bond writhed and shrieked between them. It was too much as their souls cried out, but that pain only solidified their choice.

No outside force should have this much of a say in two people's relationship, shouldn't get to use pain and force to keep them together.

After a few moments, they both were able to remember how to breathe, and Cassian shakily got to his feet.

"Goodbye, Nesta," he croaked.

"Goodbye Cassian."

Cassian left the House, looking back one more time at the female who had been his life for ten years, then left for good.

Nesta let out a breath then sunk to her knees, sobbing as the reality of the situation hit her. The house hummed around her, and a blanket appeared on her shoulders. Nesta clutched at it, knowing the House was trying to comfort her, and sobbed even harder.

Cassian landed at the river house a few minutes later, barely able to see his eyes so clogged with tears, and fell straight into the arms of Feyre, who held him close.

The decision was made, and there was no going back. Cassian and Nesta, while unable to avoid each other completely, would not speak again for many years to come.

Author's Note:

Hey everyone! Thanks for joining me on this exploration of the WORST relationship in the world of ACOTAR. But we aren't done! There are two more parts to this story where I explore the happy endings I think would actually work for these two. Cassian's story is up first, then Nesta's. Hope you stick around because after all this angst and pain it is happiness and fluff from here on out!