Derek yells for a defibrillator, and one is quickly placed by him. He sets it up while Meredith watches in silence, heart pounding in her chest.
Five minutes later, two paramedics run in with a stretcher, but everyone in Ellis's room is sitting in a heavy silence.
"You need to take her to the hospital to officially call time of death," Derek says quietly. The nursing home staff have disappeared, and Meredith sits on the floor, leaning against the wall, completely unaware of what is happening.
The paramedics load Ellis onto the stretcher, and one asks, "Would you like to ride to the hospital with us?"
When Meredith doesn't respond, Derek nudges her gently. She snaps out of her daze and he helps her to her feet. "I'll come."
Meredith walks slowly behind the paramedics, and Derek interlaces his hand with hers. He had debated this move for a moment but eventually decided she needs all the support she can get. "I'm going to drive to the hospital. I'll see you there, okay?"
She nods, and he presses a light kiss to her temple before helping her into the back of the ambulance with the paramedics. When the doors slam shut and the red vehicle pulls away, he climbs into his car to follow.
At the hospital, Ellis is brought into a trauma room, and Meredith stands in the waiting area, watching the ER move around her. Derek finds her quickly and moves to her side. Even at this time of night- one in the morning- it's alive with patients and doctors.
Without a second thought, Meredith lays her head on his shoulder, their fingers intertwining again. Ten minutes pass, and finally, Owen Hunt comes out of the trauma room and heads towards them, looking defeated.
"We did everything we could but...she was just too far gone. We couldn't get her back. I'm so sorry, Meredith." Owen says, deciding that he can use her first name in a time like this.
Meredith straightens, pressing her lips together. "Thank you, Owen. Dismissed."
xx
"My mother is dead," Meredith says numbly an hour later.
"It's the time we've been fighting for years. You got to see her, right?" Cristina speaks up from beside her.
"Like, four times. Seven years. I went nearly a decade and...then I saw her four times, for the total of three hours, probably. And then she died."
"Mer, you gotta answer these questions," Alex says gently, holding out a clipboard and pen.
Meredith is sitting in Derek's arms in one of the staff lounges at Seattle Grace. Alex stands in front of them, Cristina sitting next to them.
"She wanted to be cremated. You can't donate her organs because of the sepsis, so just cremate her." Meredith replies to Alex, not looking in the direction of the papers. Ellis's liver failure had caused an infection, which had spread to the rest of her organs, causing sepsis, which led to them failing and her heart stopping.
"You need to sign the papers," Derek whispers gently into her ear. She knows his dad died when he was young. Derek understands the pain of losing a parent.
Meredith snatches the clipboard from Alex, scribbling her signature in multiple places without even reading it, then hands it back to him.
A pager beeps, and every doctor looks at theirs. "Damn it, it's me. You gonna be okay?" Alex says, addressing Meredith.
The blonde shrugs, but motions for him to leave. He hands the clipboard to Cristina, silently telling the cardio surgeon to do what needs to be done with Ellis's body so Meredith doesn't have to worry about it. She nods, and Alex leaves the room.
Cristina glances at the couple sitting next to her, and, not wanting to know what they're whispering to each other, leaves as well. She heads down to the ER with the signed papers to do what she needs to do.
"It's okay to cry, you know. No judgment here." Derek says, pulling back just enough to look into her eyes. To his surprise, they're not teary- just dull and empty. She manages a watery smile.
"Thanks, but...I don't really feel like crying. Ellis was...she wasn't ever really a mother to me. I essentially raised myself. All I can ever remember her caring about is surgery. We argued more than anything. When I told her I wanted to go to med school, she tried to talk me out of it."
Derek blinks, shocked. His own mother was kind, loving, and supportive in everything he ever wanted to do.
"We stopped talking to each other a lot. Until she called me up one day and said she had early-onset Alzheimer's. It progressed quickly and before I really even knew it, she was in a daze more than she was lucid. At that time, I was finishing my fellowship. I didn't have time to take care of her, so I put her in the home. Then, I enlisted, and became so preoccupied with my job that I just...didn't visit, didn't call, didn't do anything anymore."
"She was lucid when you talked to her, though. At least she got to say her final words in her right mind." Derek attempts to comfort her.
Meredith inhales deeply, silent for a long minute. She is wrapped completely in Derek's embrace, which she has never done before. Never has she felt as safe as she does now or in as weak of a state as she is now.
"Crying will hurt."
He frowns. "Everything's going to hurt for a while."
"No, I mean, if it hurts my-" she gestures at her midsection, "-to laugh and breathe and move, crying will hurt even worse."
"Oh." A long pause. "I'm sorry. Mer, I'm really sorry."
She shrugs. "Can we just...sit here for a while? Not say anything, not do anything, just...be?"
"Of course."
"I have to go to work, now," Derek brushes Meredith's cheek with his thumb, warmly studying her eyes, which are still as empty as the previous day. "Will you be okay?"
"Teddy will be here in an hour." She answers in a quiet monotone.
He remains silent, watching her for a long minute. Guilt strikes him that he's leaving her this soon after she lost her mother, but he had called Teddy and she had agreed to come and stay with Meredith while he worked.
xx
Derek had already taken off the past few days, where Meredith could barely get out of bed. She missed physical therapy, and he had taken to bringing her food and water. Now, she's sitting on the couch, freshly showered and changed, which is a good step, but he still doesn't want her to be alone.
He kisses her temple. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
She gives him a small nod, still not making eye contact.
Without another word, Derek leaves the house and heads to the hospital. Not long after, Teddy knocks on the door to the house.
It takes Meredith a minute to get up and open it, and as soon as she does, Teddy's arms are around her.
"We don't hug, Die. Hugging isn't our thing." Meredith says, though she makes no effort to move from her friend's embrace.
"When your mother dies, it is."
Meredith pulls back eventually and heads back over to the couch, tucking her feet under her. The burns from the fire a week ago have almost completely healed. Teddy collapses next to her, and the two sit in silence for a long time.
To her surprise, Meredith suddenly feels tears well up behind her eyes.
With everything she has, she tries to push them back. Teddy notices, and gently prods, "Are you okay?"
Those three words cause a release of tears that had been building up over the past two days. Meredith begins to sob, covering her face with her hands.
Teddy, feeling guilty, simply wraps an arm around her back and stays there, knowing there's nothing she can do besides be present.
"I-I'm not crying for my mother," Meredith manages once her sobs subside some, "well, I kind of am, but...it's more than that."
This catches Teddy's attention, and she shifts to face her friend.
"George is dead. George O'Malley."
It takes the cardio surgeon a moment to recognize the name. "Oh?"
"There were, uh, forty-two casualties, Teddy. Forty-two innocent Marines died in that bombing, yet somehow, for some reason, I lived?"
Teddy sighs, realizing that's what this is about. "You didn't have time to grieve properly, with all your injuries and everything happening in your life. You had to focus on you for a while, and it's all just now catching up with you."
"Is-is this survivor's guilt?" Meredith whispers.
"Yeah, I think so. Combined with a lot of other things."
"I almost died."
"You did."
Meredith falls into sobs again, and this time Teddy wraps her in a full hug, quietly waiting for her to finish.
It's quite a while before she does, but when Meredith finally lays back on the couch, face red and puffy from tears, she bites her lip. There's throbbing pain from her entire midsection and back; worse than it has been in weeks.
"Can you get the Percocet?" She groans. Meredith knew crying would hurt, all the sobs would force her body to move in ways that were entirely too painful to move in. She feels better emotionally, but physically, it's ten times worse.
Teddy quickly grabs the prescription pill bottle and hands one to Meredith, as well as a large glass of water. "Hydrate. That was a lot of tears."
"You never saw any of that," Meredith demands softly before she drinks.
Teddy smiles, knowing Meredith's stubborn pride. "Saw any of what?"
Ten minutes later, they are on the couch again, watching a movie in silence until Meredith speaks up. "As soon as I'm off these damn drugs I'm going to drink. Drink to make up for the past seven years where all I've had is beers. I'm craving some tequila."
"Have you heard of Joe's? The bar across from the hospital. It's nice."
"Isn't it Emerald City Bar?"
"Yeah, but everyone at Seattle Grace calls it Joe's. That's the owner's name."
This leads to a discussion of bars and drinks, but Meredith's mind wanders. Memories from the day of the bombing have slowly begun to come back to her, and she remembers seeing George's bloodied, unrecognizable face and body lying on the sand not far from her.
She knew all the Marines at that camp. Every single one, and forty-two of them were killed by that missile. That thought won't leave her head. So many of the nation's heroes- dead. Men and women who will never get to see their families again.
Yet, by some grace of God, Meredith survived, and the weight of that is so heavy she feels like she's drowning.
The front door slams open the following morning, causing Meredith to jump. She flies to her feet, instantly cringing at the pain.
Teddy left that night, and Meredith wasn't able to sleep, so she began to read the medical journals Derek has on his coffee table in his living room. She hadn't realized how fast the time had gone by, but she's always on guard.
"Oh, sorry. It's just me. Sorry." Derek says, making eye contact with her. She gives him a watery smile and waits for her heart rate to become regular again. "I'm sorry. I have a surprise for you."
"I don't like surprises." She's told him this before. In the Marines, a surprise is an ambush, a bomb, or any other number of very, very bad things.
"This is a good surprise. I promise. You have to close your eyes."
"Derek..."
"Please? Just for a second?" His smile is huge and contagious, so Meredith nods and closes her eyes, feeling a little bit like an idiot standing in the middle of the room. She hears footsteps and realizes Derek went back outside. After a few seconds, he returns, and she hears a different noise she doesn't recognize.
"Okay, open them."
She obeys, and as soon as she realizes what's in front of her, Meredith's jaw drops.
Derek allows the leash to slip out of his hands, and a large German Shepherd runs over to Meredith.
"Oh my god," she coos, slowly squatting to get to the same level as the dog, "oh my god, hi there. Hello."
"Her name is Bella. She's a retired police dog." Derek moves to squat next to Meredith as well. Bella's tail is flying around and she buries her face into Meredith.
"Oh," the veteran's voice raises a pitch. Her heart is about ready to burst. "Are you a hero, Bella? I bet you are. You and I both, girl."
"She's ours. Seattle PD couldn't find anyone to take her, so they were going to put her down. She was shot in the back leg." Derek adds, petting the dog.
"She was shot? And no one wanted her?" Meredith feels overwhelming pity and sympathy for Bella. "You are such a good girl, Bella. You're a hero. Yes, you are."
Derek has to hold back a laugh at Meredith's voice, which he's never heard before. It's hard to believe that the hardass, intimidating colonel is baby-talking a cute dog right in front of him.
"I figured we could take good care of her. She's ours."
Meredith smiles so hard she's afraid her face is going to burst. "You got me a dog. A retired police dog."
"She definitely likes you," Derek nods, watching as Bella licks Meredith's chin. He smiles.
What Meredith doesn't know is that when he was reading up on PSTD treatments, he found a study showing that dogs could help. They can sense panic attacks and are good for grounding. So, he started searching. As soon as the opportunity arose for a police dog, he knew it was the right choice. He had bought Bella on a whim, hoping the dog could benefit Meredith, since they share somewhat similar traumas. From the looks of it, he was right.
"She's only three. After a year and a half on the job, she took down an active shooter for her partner and got herself shot. She needed surgery to keep function in her leg. She walks with a limp now, so they couldn't put her back in the field." Derek passes on the story told to him by the officer who had given him Bella.
"Aww, sweet girl. How many lives have you saved, huh? I bet it's a lot. Me too." Meredith continues talking to the dog, who is very content to sit and be pet.
After a few minutes, Derek leaves to bring in the dog supplies he bought. Once everything is settled, Meredith gently uses Bella to steady herself as she stands, and meets Derek in the kitchen while Bella goes off to explore her new home.
"I-I don't even know what to say. Thank you, Derek. This is amazing. She's amazing. Thank you so much."
He smiles warmly, and without hesitation, he pushes his body up to hers and their lips come crashing together in a passionate kiss. Bella barks excitedly and they break apart, laughing.
"I hope you brought supplies to care for her?" Meredith stares warmly at the dog, dashing around the house, tail flying furiously. Watching Bella walk, Meredith does see the limp in her back leg, but it's barely noticeable. It doesn't seem to bother Bella at all either.
"It's all in the car. I'll bring it in." He nods, walking out the open door towards the car. Meredith follows but stops on the edge of the porch.
"Can I help?" She calls, wrapping her arms around herself to shield her body from the light rain.
"What's your weight restriction, again?"
"Twenty pounds."
"You can carry the bed," he replies, grunting as he pulls a heavy, giant bag of dog food into his arms and starts back towards the house.
She moves to the car, piling a bunch of the dog toys also in the trunk into the bed and settling it in her arms as she walks back up to the house. Slight pain shoots through her body with every step, and she bites her lip.
She gets Bella's things settled, and sits on the couch. The dog comes over and jumps up next to her, resting her big, warm head on Meredith's lap.
The Marine smiles and gently pets Bella. A warm, loving feeling fills her, and it's amazing.
For the first time in days, Meredith feels something other than guilt and emptiness. She feels happy.