A/N: Just like the summary says. It's all introspection after Jane leaves Lisbon in Fire and Brimstone!
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How could she have been so stupid?!
She knew Jane better than anyone…well, as well as anyone could know Jane. She should have known what this stunt was all about. He didn't stop just to talk to her and tell her what she'd meant to him. As if he ever appreciated her!
She'd been so vulnerable in that moment, so earnest and willing to believe in him. She was ready to follow him. Only, he didn't believe her. He seemed to believe her, but instead, he said his goodbyes and left her stranded by the side of the road to go handle Red John, once and for all, all on his own. Without her, without the team, and probably without any fear because he didn't plan to make it out alive. Maybe he didn't even want to make it out alive.
That thought, about twenty minutes into her trek along the highway hoping someone would stop for her, finally pushed her internal feeling of abandonment, rejection, and impending loss outwardly as the tears started to stream down her face. Why didn't that arrogant bastard believe her?
In most ways, Patrick Jane overestimated her abilities as a detective. Even if he sometimes arrived at an answer before her, he treated her as someone of equal intellect. Well, he'd always supported her endeavors. Though in the ways that counted most, he severely underestimated her. And that hurt, even more tonight.
She told him she would follow his lead. She was ready to do this. He needed to do things his way. She'd let him because deep down, she also needed to end this.
Of course, a younger version of herself might be shocked and appalled by her current state of being and what she considered allowing to happen. But ten years of loss-her friend and mentor, every decent boss she'd ever had, and hell, probably even her career-and she was...what? Done? Tired? Over it?
Weeks into working with Jane, she figured out she'd never move anywhere in the CBI except out of the door. An agent working with a consultant wasn't entirely unheard of, but the way they did? As partners? With the closeness of their partnership? When Bosco made a show of trying to separate them by any means necessary, as though she were an unruly teenage girl hanging around with the notorious bad boy, that cemented those feelings. Patrick Jane would probably be her downfall. All she could do when the time came would be to mitigate.
Only, over the years, "mitigate" took on a different meaning. Her people were too important to her. Whether he knew it or not, Jane was too important to her. If he knew, he didn't care that anyone would find him important.
She choked, wiping her face. No one would pick her up looking like this.
She expected to do the right thing when time came to close the Red John matter once and for all. Hopefully, she could have a good enough influence on Jane, maybe be the voice he needed to hear to not go through with this. Even after his first trial, he remained steadfast in his devotion to killing Red John. She was horrified as she sat through that trial, silently rooting against the very system she swore to uphold so that Jane would prevail.
When he won, she thought that might change things. Maybe he would get the seriousness of pulling that trigger and that it wasn't worth it. He didn't. But something changed for her, too, while she sat there in that moment rooting against the law for once. It felt both perverse and absolutely natural at the same time.
As much as she wanted to rein Jane in, she also felt a need to protect him more now than ever. Maybe he was right about the law and justice because where was the justice in four CBI agents, including Sam, being gunned down by a coworker?
Where was the justice in Cho's silent suffering? She knew something was off, and she could spot an addict a mile off. When he declined to mention his problem, she gave him dignity by not broaching the subject and decided she would only bring it up if it became absolutely necessary. But why didn't he tell her? Was there even space to acknowledge the harm and trauma any of them faced? And if he had, didn't the rules require her to file a report and bench him?
Where was the justice in Van Pelt's most personal violation and heartbreak? Red John sent that man into their lives, into Van Pelt's personal space. She was going to marry him; she was supposed to wear that god awful dress that Jane said made her look like an angry princess. Even now, that moment made her smile. Yet, Van Pelt learned a bitter truth and acted to not only save their lives but in a way the law required her to react. No time to process anything, certainly not that her fiancée was there to kill them all. Sometimes, she missed the girl Van Pelt used to be even though she and Rigsby had moved on together.
Where was the justice in Hightower's life being forever changed? She shivered at the thought of how quickly the CBI turned on her former boss—a woman who was completely innocent. Her sole indiscretion, an affair with a victim, was enough for them to believe her capable of anything. She ran for her life, for her children's lives, because her colleagues turned on her and the law said she should be arrested. The law didn't care about a serial killer's sophisticated plan to accuse her, and that same lack of care led to her faking her death and going underground. Even now, she was on the run. She went from a respected law enforcement officer, on track for major leadership, to an outlaw to a walking ghost.
Where was the justice for Rigsby? She wasn't that naive; she knew what he did. He took the life of his father's murderer. Nothing could have stopped him from seeking his own justice that day—but nothing would make her do anything besides close ranks and take as much blame to make it go away. In their pursuit of Red John, Rigsby lost his fiancée. Maybe Sarah was the only one of them with sense. It was all nuts. But now, he struggled to balance fatherhood and the CBI. He was doing so well by Ben, but the law demanded he be imprisoned if anyone ever learned what she believed to be the truth.
Where was the justice for Jane? That one hit her the hardest. Of course, he always knew what he sought. That didn't stop her heartbreak when he started talking to a teenage Charlotte. The reality was he'd never see her again. Not truly. She'd never be a teenager. While she always knew what he lost, and how he saw himself as searching for justice for his innocent wife and daughter, it hit him just how much he needed his own version of justice to make the pain stop. He needed the pain to stop for his own peace. When he slunk away to drink more Devil's Cherry just to see Charlotte again that night, she knew what the law required. If he found and killed Red John tonight, the law would require that he be arrested, tried, and incarcerated if convicted.
Where was the justice for herself? She had never fancied herself a self-centered person, but she could no longer pretend this journey didn't impact her in ways beyond her control. He attacked her. Considering his MO, she got off relatively unscratched. Surely, the law would care about that—but would it restore the dignity she lost as she floated into consciousness the first time with Jane scrubbing Partridge's blood off her face in the ambulance? Men like Red John and Tommy Volker got off relatively easy for their deeds.
Tommy Volker. That shit head. He was currently trying everything he could to get off the hook for his crimes. Following the law, she could never catch him. After all, the system belonged to those men. No, Jane had a point about justice. Maybe give that try so that the body count could stop.
She closed her eyes. In front of her stood JJ LaRoche. Was she truly ready to commit to this idea of justice, or was it like he said?
With that smug aura around him, he had told her: "Agent Lisbon, your instincts to protect your team are admirable…and your biggest flaw."
She chuckled softly. Smug son of a bitch had his own skeletons. But even he had sought his own form of justice because the law certainly couldn't deliver on what his mother suffered & her loss.
But was he right? Was her biggest flaw wanting to protect them? Protecting Cho's job? Protecting Van Pelt's fragile heart? Protecting Hightower's life from further intrusion and hopefully putting this to rest so she could get her life back? Protecting Rigsby's relationship with Ben? Protecting what was left of Jane's humanity? Her own?
She waved her arm again. This time, getting a bite as the car came to a stop.
No, the law allowed monstrosities like Red John to operate in the open, to game the system, with near impunity—but a just world protects the good and the honorable. They were the good and the honorable. Justice would win today.
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A/N: I was never a fan of LaRoche, but sometimes, I think he may have been on to something. One reason I wrote this story is because I like the theme of justice vs. the law that comes up in the series over and over again. I think all of the main characters had storylines that took them from being the rather straightforward characters we see in season 1 to who they are in season 6: people who are completely tired and worn down by a corrupt organization/actors that to some degree, they become corrupt as well because what is justice?