Meredith stands in her bedroom after her shower, topless, looking in the mirror. Since the first time they tried aquatic therapy, she and Derek have been going whenever they have the chance. Meredith also continues physical therapy with Megan, but now it's lessened from daily to three or four times a week.
She's definitely stronger. But not strong enough.
She sighs, staring at her body. Meredith has always had a smaller build, but that build used to be solid: there was lean muscle on every part of her body, simply from being in the military. Now, her abs are relaced by scars, and her once-toned legs and arms don't look anything like how she remembers them.
She looks and feels weak. Unlike herself.
Even her eyes. Meredith doesn't recognize the haunted look in her eyes. That look wasn't there when she was overseas. That look is new.
She knows exactly what it's from.
Meredith changes the dressings on her wounds, putting gauze over them once again. This should be one of the last times she needs to do this. According to the most recent post-op check, she's healing very well.
The sun is just rising, and Meredith is already showered and dressed. She doesn't feel any effects from the drinks she had the night before at the ball, which is slightly surprising.
Dread builds in her stomach. Derek wants to talk today. How is she supposed to tell him anything? She's never done this before.
Coffee. Coffee will soothe her nerves.
Meredith leaves her bedroom and goes to the kitchen, making a pot of coffee and pouring herself a mug. She takes it black.
Bella trots over to her, and Meredith lets the dog outside. She stands on the porch, looking at the colorful sky as the sun climbs, smelling the damp post-rain scent of the grass and forest around the house. Dark clouds are rolling in, and the wind is picking up. Another storm is on the way.
"Hey."
His voice makes her turn, and she smiles faintly at Derek, who is leaning against the side of the front door. Bella comes running back to greet him. Even with her limp, she's still incredibly fast.
"Breakfast?" Derek offers.
Meredith just shakes her head, her stomach revolting at the thought of eating. "Maybe we should just get this over with," she murmurs.
"If that's what you want." Derek shrugs. He has all day to wait. As long as their talk happens, it doesn't matter to him when. Although, he'd like it sooner rather than later.
Meredith has to force herself not to roll her eyes. What she really wants is to not have this conversation at all. They head back into the house, Derek going to pour a cup of coffee for himself.
An unusual awkward, pregnant silence fills the room.
It's past seven in the morning now. Meredith has no idea why either of them is up this early. She slept pretty well last night, which is a rarity. She clears her throat and sits at the kitchen table. Derek copies the move, sitting across from her.
"What do you want to know?" Meredith asks. She really has no idea where this conversation is going to go.
"I...I don't know, Mer. The first thing on my mind is Nathan Riggs. What exactly was the relationship between you two?"
Well, that's an easy one to start with. Meredith has lost any romantic feelings for her ex, so she quickly explains how Riggs is really the only other serious relationship in her life- besides some random college boyfriend years ago. They broke up but slept together for a while after. Eventually, Meredith was transferred and they stopped talking almost altogether.
Derek nods slowly. "So, the letters. They didn't profess any undying love for you or anything, right?"
"No," she smiles at his exaggeration. "It was just updates on cases, things he needed to talk about. We were friends before we got together, and I think we're going to remain friends now."
Derek acknowledges her words, accepting that. So long as Nathan doesn't try to get back together with her, he's fine. He takes a deep breath before his next question, knowing it will be a lot deeper.
"You look...tired, Meredith. At first, I thought it was just adjusting back to living in the US as a normal citizen, but it's been months and I think it's gotten worse. I don't know, you're jumpy, and it feels like you're always on high alert. You're never completely relaxed around me. I can see the toll it's taking on you...what's wrong?"
Meredith is quiet, struggling to form a response. Derek leans back in his chair, studying her patiently. He's willing to sit here all day if it gets her to open up to him.
"That's, uh," she laughs humorlessly, "that's a really loaded question."
When Derek doesn't falter, Meredith realizes her attempt at avoidance isn't going to work. She takes a deep, calming breath.
"I think...It's just...I've been showing symptoms of PTSD. Everything you just said- I've noticed it too. I'm just not myself."
"You think you have Post-traumatic Stress Disorder?"
Meredith shrugs. Deep, deep down, she knows the answer to the question is yes, but she's not ready to admit that to anyone, including herself.
"Maybe. Maybe not. It could just be that everything is fresh in my mind with that ball, and the letters, and the scars..."
They both know she's just making excuses.
"What can I do?" Derek asks gently.
At first, Meredith thinks she heard him wrong. Then, she realizes he's genuinely asking. No one's ever done that before. Ever.
"I don't really know. I'm figuring out how to help myself."
He's quiet for a moment, then hesitantly says, "Maybe you should see someone?"
"Excuse you?" Meredith pulls back, the walls she had slowly let down with Derek all back up in an instant.
"Like...a therapist? A person who can help you figure out how to help you."
"You think I'm some crazy bitch." Meredith accuses.
"That's not what I'm saying!" Derek's voice raises in defense.
"What the hell are you saying, then?" She demands angrily, standing up.
"I'm just saying, if you refuse to talk to me, maybe you should see someone else. A professional."
Meredith is stunned into silence for a long moment, while Derek remains seated. When she speaks next, her voice comes low and firm. "I've been dealing with my own problems my entire life, Derek. I've never had anyone else- never needed anyone else. You really think I can't do this on my own?"
"Meredith, you don't have to."
She shakes her head, turning away from him, laughing humorlessly again. "But I do. You can't possibly understand."
"Then explain it to me!" He stands now, raising his voice to match hers as well. "I'm here, I'm ready and willing to listen, so why don't you just-"
"Don't even finish that sentence." Her tone is so deadly it makes chills run down Derek's spine. "I won't have you forcing me to talk to you, and I certainly won't be going to a goddamn psychologist. I don't need to. I'm fine."
"Clearly, you're not." Derek doesn't have a chance to stop the words before they're out of his mouth, and he instantly regrets them.
Meredith brings herself to her full height, taking an aggressive stance and staring at him coldly. "You're not entitled to an opinion here. This is my life, and if you think I'm so messed up, maybe you shouldn't be in it."
He first wants to argue that he is entitled to an opinion, but then the weight of the rest of her words settles in. "What are you saying?" He asks slowly, still angry.
"Maybe I should go. If I'm struggling as much as you say I am, I really don't need any of this-" she gestures between them, "-to deal with anymore."
Derek sits back down, resting his head in his hands. "Go."
Without another word, Meredith turns, slipping on a pair of her shoes and a jacket, then walking out the front door, letting it slam behind her. However, not before Bella can escape the warmth of the house and follow her.
It's now raining heavily outside, but she doesn't care. Rain is always a welcomed feeling nowadays. The water drenches her quickly, and she brushes wet strands of hair away from her face. Bella bounds around the yard happily, getting soaked as well.
It's only then that Meredith realizes: she doesn't have a car. And even if she did, she can't drive yet.
Meredith drops her head, walking away from the house, Bella never more than a few steps behind. Derek has acres upon acres of land, and she decides now's as good a time as any to explore them. Clearly, she's not welcome back in that house anymore.
They are both mad, both saying things they don't mean. Meredith realizes that, but doesn't have it in her to go back. She needs to cool off, and so does he.
Bella runs in front of Meredith, sniffing the ground, tail wagging furiously. Oblivious to the fight her owners just had. The sight makes Meredith smile. How nice it must be to be a dog. No worries, no problems.
There's a trail into the woods that Meredith follows, relishing the greenery and peacefulness around her. It's the first time she's done this since coming back to the states, and her mind begins comparing the two vastly different places she's lived.
One, a desert with constant shouting, bombs, gunshots, and lives on the line. The other, a quiet city in the rain, covered in nature with a dog.
Meredith smiles to herself again. Then it hits her. She doesn't really want to leave this place. After spending months here, it feels strange. It feels like home. Whether it's the house and its surroundings or Derek and Bella that make it feel like home, Meredith doesn't really know. Everything about it, she's drawn to.
She can't leave. So, they had a fight. Meredith takes a moment to look at things from his perspective, hoping maybe she'll come up with a solution and be able to return to the house.
Meanwhile, Derek sits at the table, unmoving as he listens to the drops steadily pound the windows. He's so angry right now, nothing else makes sense.
Why can't she understand he just wants what's best for her? He wants her to be happy and healthy. Doesn't she see that? Why is the first thing her mind jumps to when he makes a suggestion is that she's a crazy bitch who he doesn't want to deal with?
He sips his coffee, listening to the rain, trying to process everything they both just said. He knows she's an independent woman, a private person. He knows opening up can't be easy, which must be why she got so defensive and angry so fast.
Marines are proud, not ones to show any weakness, which could also be a factor.
The problem is, he has no idea what to do.
When the rain grows heavier, thunder claps, so loudly the ground nearly shakes. It's only then that Derek realizes Meredith's outside, with nowhere else to go.
Worry and guilt spring up in him, and so he jumps from his seat and opens the front door, standing on the porch and looking out at his land.
Meredith's heart is pounding, panic rising rapidly. The thunder, the loud, aggressive thunder sounded exactly like a bomb going off a few miles away. For a second, she was back in Afghanistan, but Bella whining pulled her back to reality.
She can't be out here, or something's going to happen. Wrapping her arms around herself, she picks up her pace and heads back to the house. Worst comes to worst, they can avoid each other all day.
Derek sees her instantly as she crosses the yard and when Meredith reaches the porch, he brings her inside.
Bella shakes off and enters the house in front of them, leaving wet paw prints on the floor, but they don't care.
"God, Meredith, you're soaked." Derek grabs a towel and wraps it around her, taking her dripping wet coat off. "You could get sick- you know how compromised your immune system is and how-"
"Derek."
Just saying his name stops him.
"Everyone I've ever loved in my life has left me," Meredith says, and he freezes, staring at her. "I...I don't know if it's me, or something else, but...I don't have any real family left. That's why I enlisted all those years ago. My little sister, Lexie died, and I couldn't deal with it. She was the last of my family.
"Of course, I had Alex and Cristina, but it's just not the same. I made friends with Teddy and she became like family, but being in the Marines, we always had to be ready for the worst. There was always a threat on our lives, and I spent a lot of time...being afraid. I mean, I still am."
"Meredith," Derek whispers softly, reaching to cup her face with his hand and draw his thumb over her cheek.
"There's a lot of stuff I can't tell you, but if I can't even tell you, there's no way I'll be able to tell some stupid therapist. Even then, what would they do? These memories, these feelings, they can't just go away."
Before Derek can say anything in response, she shivers. "I'm going to take a hot shower. Just...think about what I'm saying."
Meredith leaves, closing her bedroom door behind her. Derek stands, stunned in the kitchen. That was the most open thing he's ever gotten from her.
But, his thoughts are interrupted by his phone going off. Derek glances at it, opening the text message from Mark.
Game night tomorrow night, it's your turn to host. We got our shifts covered. Bring on the booze and prepare to lose!
Derek tosses the phone back down. Damn, he's forgotten about the monthly party many of the surgeons from Seattle Grace have when they're off or have their shifts covered. Of course, it's his turn to host.
His first thought is to cancel, even though it would surely disappoint most of the friends he's made since moving to Seattle. Then, another idea comes. Surrounding Meredith with people who care about her and will soon hopefully be working with sounds like a great idea.
If it doesn't overwhelm her too much, it would be a perfect opportunity to bring something good into her life. Maybe she'll even agree to talk to someone else about whatever's happening inside her head.
Derek smiles, sitting on the couch and waiting for her to come out of the shower.
x
Half an hour later, Meredith hesitantly walks into the main area of the house, not knowing what to expect from her boyfriend.
He turns and smiles when he sees her, and she relaxes, coming into the living room to sit down next to him.
"I had this idea," Derek begins. She turns to face him, prompting him to continue. "Every month a bunch of us get together to play games and eat and drink at one of our houses. Technically, it's my turn to host this month, and our scheduled date is for tomorrow night."
Meredith frowns. "What are you asking?"
"Would you be okay with it?"
When Meredith doesn't respond, he presses on. "Think about it. You'll be surrounded by friends and coworkers, it's a great chance to take your mind off things and just be happy. These things are always hilarious, and everyone has a good time."
Meredith shakes her head, but the idea doesn't really sound so bad to her. Derek can see her facade breaking, so he adds one more convincing line.
"There will just be a couple of doctors from the hospital. Just for the night."
"With booze and games?" Meredith snorts. "I can only imagine how well that will go over."
"Please?" He tries to reason, giving her his best McDreamy look. Meredith sighs and turns her gaze to him.
"Okay, okay."
"Really?"
"Technically, it's your house. You can have whoever you want over, and it'll be nice to see someone's face other than yours for a while." She smiles, knowing he's right.
"Thank you. This is going to be great." He leans forward to kiss her, then sits back and turns on the TV.
Obviously, he's not going to let this whole PTSD thing drop, but knowing how stubborn his girlfriend is, he's not going to get any further by pushing her today. They'll probably end up in another fight.
He'll talk to Teddy, or Owen or someone who has been where she is and see what they have to say. What could go wrong?