(GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,AND THIS IS THE AGENT OF LITERATURE SIGNING ON,AND TODAY WE ARE ALMOST DONE WITH ACT 1 OF MY SPIDER-MAN:HOMECOMING REWRITE,JUST ONE MORE AFTER THIS,ENJOY.)
(Que song:Blitzkrieg Bop:The Ramones)
Spider-man began swinging through the city,looking for any crimes he could stop or any citizens he could help.
As he swung by,he saw a man break a bike chain and stole the bike it was attached to.
As he rode away,Spidey simply landed in front of him and handed him his web.
"Hey do you mind holding this for me?"He said,as he then shot a web on his chest,attaching the other to him.
He then let go of the web and the would be robber shot up into the air.
"This anybody's bike,hey buddy is this your bike?"
"No change."A man said,coming out of a store.
"Hey does anybody have a pen?"
Spidey then left a note on the bike,which he webbed to a wall,that said "I saved your bike,courtesy of your friendly neighborhood Spider-man!".
"How was that?"He asked Karen.
"You should have waited for the owner to return."Karen said.
"That could've taken all day!"
"But at least you would have known it was returned."
Spidey just groaned.
He swung by a bridge window greeting the people inside.
He then saw a little girl standing by a tree calling for her cat to come down,he landed on the tree and went to reach for the cat.
"Here kitty kit..OH MY GAH!"
The cat suddenly jumped on his face and began scratching at him.
Later,he was standing on a building as he saw a car drive away fast,he was about to pursue,when someone called out to him.
"HEY!"The voice said.
He looked down below,and saw a man standing by a hot dog stand.
"YOU'RE THAT SPIDER-GUY ON YOUTUBE RIGHT?"He asked.
"YEAH,I'M SPIDER-MAN!"Spider-man said,a little impatient.
"You ok Mister Parker."Karen asked.
"You seem agitated."
"There's a car full of robbers getting away."
"OK SPIDER-MAN,DO A BACKFLIP!"
Though Spidey knew the car was getting away,he did the backflip anyway.
"YEAH!"
"NICE ONE!"Another man said.
Spidey then swung away and began to follow the car as it sped down the street,he managed to swing over the car and shot a thing of web on the front window,making the car crash into a fire hydrant.
"Oh boy."Spidey said,as he landed on a lamp post.
"That could've gone better."Karen said.
After the Police took care of the robbers,and the DOT arrived to clean up his mess,he continued to swing through the city and eventually came across a woman who needed help finding her destination.
Later,a man had walked up to a car and began to use a jack to try and unlock it,as Spidey suddenly landed on the roof.
"Hey buddy!"He said,as he shot a web in the guy's face and then pulled it down,making him hit the roof of the car,setting off the alarm.
He shot a web onto the guy's left hand,attaching it to the hood.
"You shouldn't steal cars."
"It's my car dubass!"He exclaimed.
"Really?"
"Yeah that's his car!"A woman said from a window.
"Wait,what?"
"Hey,turn that off!"Another woman said,from another window.
"I didn't know it-"
"Yo,I'm working nights,come on!"A man said.
"That's not your car."A butcher said,coming out of a building.
"That's his car!"
"How was I supposed to know that was his car?"Spider-man asked.
"Who uses a jack to unlock their car?"
"A guy who locked his keys inside!"The man Spidey had webbed said.
"Oh."
"You know,if you had scanned his plate,I could've run a search on the owner of the vehicle."Karen said.
"Wait,you can do that?"
"Who are you talking to?"
"Don't me come down there you punk!"A wise man said from his window.
"Hey Gary, how're you doing?"A woman said from her window.
"Marjorie,how are you,how's your mother?"
Spidey then continued to swing through the city,as he suddenly swung too low to the top of a building and fell on his face.
"That was good."Karen said.
"Shut up Karen."
Later,Spidey was sitting on a fire escape eating a churro,as he was calling Happy.
'You have reached the voicemail box of:Happy Hogan.'
"Hey Happy."Peter said.
"Here's my report for tonight,I stopped a grand theft bicycle,as well as a getaway driver,though I don't think it was Baby from 'Baby driver',have you seen that movie,it was so...ah,nevermind.
"I helped this old dominican lady,she was real nice,bought me a churro.
"I just,feel like I could be doing more,you know?
"Just curious about when the next real mission is gonna be,So yeah just give me a call.
"This is Peter...Parker."
Peter then hung up his phone.
"Why did I tell him about the churro?"
"The real question is why do you keep calling Mister Hogan,you've called him exactly 147 times,texted him 287 times,and left him 87 voice messages,and for some reason you keep wondering why he doesn't respond."
"Has it really been that much?"
"More or less."
"Hmm."
Pete then heard a commotion from below and saw four men walking into an ATM bank,with Avenger masks and bags.
"Finally something good."He said.
"I think it wise to call the proper authorities."Karen said.
"Karen,I'm an Avenger,I think I can handle a few guys with guns."
He then swung down towards the bank.
"Men,they never listen."
"I think I'm starting to realize why Mister Stark called you Karen."
Down in the bank,one of the robbers began using some sort of alien weapon to cut open an ATM.
"Yo,I told you these weapons would come in handy."The one wearing a Hulk mask said.
"Told you it was worth it."The one wearing a Cap mask said.
"Let's move,won't be long till the cops show up."The one wearing the Iron man mask said.
Another wearing a Thor mask began to use another alien weapon to pull off the ATM so that they could start getting the money.
"Let's move,we've got five more places to hit tonight."
"This is gonna be a snap."
As they began to fill the bags with money,they didn't notice Spider-man walking in and positioning himself by the front door.
"You look ridiculous."Karen said.
"Shh,I'm doing a thing."He whispered,after he finished setting himself up.
"What's up guys,you forget your PIN number?"
The four robbers looked up and saw the web slinger.
"Wait a minute,you guys aren't the real Avengers,I can tell Hulk gives it away!"
Spidey then shot a web onto the shotgun "Ironman"was holding and then pulled it,making it hit both "Ironman"and"Thor" in the faces,"Cap" then went to elbow Spidey in the face,but Spidey caught it and then pushed it so that it hit "Hulk" in the face.
"Should've brought a shield buddy,helps the real Cap everytime,and you seriously need to learn how to smash''Hulk".''Spidey said.
He then jumped and stuck his hands to the ceiling,he then jabbed his foot on "Cap's" back and threw him into a glass display.
"I hope you can do this all day pal."Spidey said,he tilted his head to avoid a punch from "Ironman".
"And you,well you're just giving Ironman a bad name."
He then caught a fist and threw him into "Hulk",who had picked up one of the alien weapons.
"Hey,don't suppose you guys brought a Black Widow or Hawkeye with you guys did you?
"Or even a War Machine,want the complete set."
"I've heard better jokes from Amy schumer."Karen commented.
"Hey,screw you."
The fake "Cap"then came up with an alien weapon,and when Spider-man went to strike,the robber caught him in thin air.
"Hey,this feels weird."Spider-man said.
Fake "Cap" then shot him across the room,hitting two of the other robbers in the process.
"Wo,what the heck is that thing?"Spidey said,as he recovered.
"It seems to be an anti gravity ray."Karen said.
The fake "Cap"then shot the ray at Spidey,and brought him up and down,making him hit the ceiling and the floor.
"This...Ride...Sucks...I Want...My Money...Back!"Spidey said,between hits.
He then stuck his hand on the floor and shot a web at the table behind fake"Cap" and pulled it towards his back, knocking him down.
Across the street,Mister Delmar was on the phone with 911.
"911,what is your emergency?"The telecommunicator replied.
"Uh,Spider-man is fighting the Avengers in a bank on 21st street."Mister Delmar reported,as he watched Spider-man jump around the robbers,with money floating around in the air.
"Ok,guys let's wrap this up,it's a school night."Spider-man said,as he jumped on the ATMs.
"Could've been home by now had you left."Karen said.
"Not the time Karen!"
He then did a spin kick to fake "Thor's" face sending him flying,fake "Ironman" then came up with the alien weapon,but Spidey shot a web and stuck it to the window,along with fake "Ironman".
"So how do jerks like you,get tech like this?"He asked.
Suddenly,he heard a high pitch noise,as he turned and saw that fake "Hulk" was aiming another alien weapon at him.
"Peter Move!"Karen said.
Fake "Hulk" fired the weapon,but Spidey was able to move himself and the fake "Ironman" out of the way,as the blast shot through the window and hit Mister Delmar's store.
As Spidey got up,he saw Mister Delmar's store was on fire.
"Oh no,Mister Delmar."Spidey said,as he jumped out of the bank and swung over to the burning store.
"Hey Mister Delmar,you in here,hey anybody in here!"
A few minutes later,Spidey was helping Mister Delmar and his cat out of the store,as he led him over to a lamppost.
"Are you ok,you alight?"Spider-man asked him.
Mister Delmar nodded,as he coughed in his hand,Peter breathed a sigh of relief but then looked over at the bank,only to see that the robbers had escaped.
"Oh man."
"Nice job 'Avenger'."Karen said sarcastically.
"Karen,notify the fire and rescue!"
"First responders are already on their way,Mister Delmar contacted them during your fight with the fake avengers."
"Ok good."
He started to walk away,when he realized he still had the cat in his hands,he immediately turned around and handed Mister Delmar his cat.
Meanwhile at Avengers tower,Happy was busy getting the whole place packed up and ready to move out.
"Good good,yes."He said,he then noticed one of the robots messing with a vase.
"No,no, put that down,that's worth more then you or me."
His phone then went off.
"Yeah?"
"Happy,the craziest thing just happened to me!"Peter said,as he landed on a building that led back to his book bag.
"These guys were robbing an ATM with these high tech weapons…"
There was suddenly a loud crash that sounded like glass breaking.
"Really?"Happy replied.
"Are you doing ok?"
"No,robot just signed my freakin 'death sentence...who is this?"
"It's Peter..Parker….Spider-man."
"Oh yeah you,look I don't have time for ATM robberies…"
"Yeah,but.."
"Don't interrupt,I don't have time for the thoughtful notes you leave behind,or the fire hydrants you destroy.."
"You know about?"
"I have moving day to worry about,everything's gotta be out of here by next week."
"Wait wait,your moving,who's moving?"
"Don't you watch the news or pay attention to social media,Tony sold Avengers tower to an old business friend,we're relocating to a new facility upstate,where hopefully the cell service is much worse."
"But..but what about me?"
"What about you?"
Peter lands on a lamppost and sits on it.
"Well what if Mister Stark needs me or something big goes down,like another alien invasion,or a group of supervillains team up,or a villain comes from the future to wipe us from the timeline?
"Can I please talk to Mister Stark?"
"Look kid,you really need to dial back on the whole "trying to please Tony Stark" thing,you coming across as a bit of a crazy fanboy.
"Look,just stay away from anything dangerous ok,I'm responsible for making sure you're responsible,isn't there some sort of family motto you have about responsibility?"
As Peter came up to a ledge,he jumped down and landed on the ground as he took his mask off.
"I am responsible."He said,he then noticed the trash can he had webbed his bag to was gone.
"Oh crap,my backpack's gone."
"That doesn't sound responsible."
"I'll call you later."
"Don't rush."
Happy then hung up.
"Great."Peter said,as he put his mask back on and began to make his way back home.
"Well done Mister Parker."Karen said,in a condescending tone.
"Shut up Karen."
About an hour later,Peter was climbing up to his window berating himself for losing yet another backpack,he suddenly heard screaming coming from another window.
He made his way over to it and as he looked inside,he saw a man in his mid to late forties and a woman,who looked to be in her late thirties to early forties arguing with each other,it was so loud that he could barely hear what they were saying,he suddenly saw someone walk into a room and close the door behind her.
When she turned around,he saw that it was MJ,he immediately moved away from the window,as she made her way over to her bed and put earphones in her ears,he briefly looked back inside,as she tried to drown out the yelling in the other room.
Peter sighed,MJ's parents argued constantly,the man wasn't even her biological father,come to think of it,Peter realized that MJ never talked about her family that much,but he and May could always hear the noise,there were times where May nearly called the cops out to the apartment,but she would simply just find a way to get MJ out of the apartment to give her a break,it's what originally caused him and MJ to meet,as his…
He shook his head from his train of thought as he made his way over to his bedroom window,he opened his window and crawled inside along the ceiling as he made his way over to the door as he shot a web towards his door and pulled it closed,he then jumped down and pulled his mask off and breathed a sigh of relief that he was in the cle...he then turned around saw Ned sitting on his bed,holding a half finished Lego Death star,which he then proceeded to drop on the floor and break.
"What was that?"May asked from the kitchen.
"Uh,nothing!"Peter said.
"Peter,when did you get home?"
"Uh,you were in the bathroom!"
"You're the Spider-man,from Youtube."Ned said in shock.
"No no no no no,I'm not,I'm not,this is just a costume."Peter said,as he took off his suit.
"You were on the ceiling!"
"Would you believe I've started taking gymnastics?"
Ned just looked at him.
"What are you doing here?"
"May let me in,we were gonna work on the Death star."
Peter's eyes went wide as he placed a hand on his head,as he remembered them making that plan.
"Right,the Death star."
"And you said you had the Stark internship,and that it would be two hours,that was five hours ago."
"Something came up."
Suddenly,Peter's door started to open and he kicked his suit behind it.
"That turkey meatloaf recipe is a disaster."She said as she waved smoke away from her.
"Let's go to dinner,Ned you want Thai?"
"Yes."
"BUT,he can't come."Peter said.
"I can't?"
Peter just gave him a look.
"Yeah I can't,cause I have a thing to do at home for the decathlon."
"Ok,might wanna put on some clothes sweetie."
"Thank you May."
After May left the room and closed the door,Ned went back to geeking out.
"I can't believe this is happening."Peter said,as he put on a sweater.
"She doesn't know!"Ned said.
"Of course she doesn't,if she knew she'd lose her mind and wouldn't let me do this."
"Does MJ know?"
"Ned if you didn't know,what makes you think that MJ knows?"
"I don't know."
"Unbelievable."
"So who does know?"
"Nobody,except Mister Stark,cause he made the suit."
"Tony Stark made that suit,are you an Avenger?"
"Yeah,basically."
"Oh man,this is amazing."
"Ned,you can't tell anyone about this."
"Why not?"
"Why not,Ned if anyone found out about this,it could put them in danger,you shouldn't even know about this,Ned please."
"Ok look,I'm gonna level with you,I don't think I can keep this secret,this is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me."
"Ned,May cannot find out about this ok,I don't want her to worry about me going out every day and having guys shoot at me,she's got enough to worry about,what with the new job,the move,B-,I just can't do that to her,I won't put her in danger,so please Ned,don't say anything."
"Ok,I won't say anything."
"Swear."
"I swear."
"Thank you."
"Of course."
"Ah,Mister Stark is gonna kill me."
"Can I try the suit on?"
"No,just go home,I will talk to you tomorrow."
"How's it work,is it magnets,how do you shoot the strings?"
"I will tell everything tomorrow,ok,please just go home."
"Ok,wait a minute,how are you doing this and the Stark internship?"
"Ned..this is the internship."
"Awesome."
"Yeah,I'll talk to you tomorrow."
"Bye."
"Bye."
After Peter had closed the door,he leaned against and placed his hands on his face.
"Karen's not gonna like this."
Later,at a Thai restaurant,Peter and May were sitting at a table eating,as a TV showed the Daily bugle channel,and they had a segment on something called "charge cismodium"that has apparently caused some severe injuries when exposed to radiation.
"Peter,you still with me?"May said,as Peter was sort of zoned onto the TV.
"Huh?"Went Peter,when he came back to reality.
"What's the matter,I thought you loved Larb,too larby?
"Not Larby enough...how many times do I have to say larb before you talk to me,you know I larb you."
"Really May,"Ben jokes"?"Peter said with a smile,but then his smile faltered.
"Come on,you love those jokes."
"I'm just stressed,with the internship,school,the decathlon,just trying to keep up with everything,it's a lot of work."
"The Stark internship,you know I don't really care for that Tony Stark,he's in your head,he's got you distracted.
"You know I gotta call from your decathlon teacher,he says you've been ducking out of practice to go to the internship,Peter,we agreed you could do the Stark internship as long as it didn't interfere with school and your other responsibilities."
"I know,and I really am trying."
"Well try better,you're very smart Peter,and you deserve to work for someone like Tony Stark,though I would prefer you work for someone like Danny Rand,but that's just me.
"But,you can't succeed if you flunk your classes,I don't want you to turn out like me."
"Would that be so bad?"
"No,but I want you to be better than me,ok."
"Yeah,ok."
"And now it's time for the "Jameson report",with your host J Jonah Jameson."An announcer said on the TV.
An older man,who was bald and wearing glasses then appeared on the screen.
"Well folks,trouble has struck again."He began.
"Tonight,during a bank robbery,local business "Delmar's sandwiches",was destroyed by the public menace "Spider-man",and while the wall crawling menace did manage to save Hemky Delmar,the owner of the store,and his cat,Thief,he unfortunately failed one of Mister Delmar's employees,who was trapped inside the back room and died from smoke inhalation."
Peter suddenly dropped his chopsticks when he heard this,he had no idea there was another person in the store.
"And while we at the Daily bugle do know of the victim's name,we will out of respect for the victims family,not release his name,cause we are not like other news outlets,who are in politicians pockets,and I assure you my fellow New yorkers,we will find out the identity of Spider-man and we will bring him to justice,we'll be back after these messages."
"Oh that is so sad."May said.
"If you spot something like that happening,you turn and run the other way,got it?"
Peter was still shocked to hear that someone died,but he eventually found the words to speak.
"Yeah,Yeah got it,of course."He said.
"Six blocks away from us,crazy,and you were there earlier today right?"
"Hmm-hmmm."
"Amazing how life works like that,being somewhere where something bad is about to happen,and you could've been there-"
"I need a new backpack."
"Again,we just bought you that one,that is like the fifth one we've brought this month alone."
"I know,it must have gotten stolen or something."
"Ok,we'll go first thing tomorrow,but this is the last time."
"You got it."
"Remember the Parker motto."
"Yeah I know."
Just then,their waiter came up and set a dish of sticky rice pudding on the table.
"We didn't order that."May said.
"It's on the house."The waiter said with a wink,disturbing Peter.
"That was nice of him."
"I think he larbs you."Peter said.
"Oh,well it's unfortunate that I'm not ready for that yet."
May seemed as if she was gonna cry,so Peter took her hand for comfort,she smiled back.
(UNTIL NEXT TIME,THIS IS THE AGENT OF LITERATURE SIGNING OFF,COURAGE,GODSPEED,AND JESUS LOVES YOU.)