Betrayal

Everything seemed… fake. The gates were just illusions of power, the smokestacks apparitions of production. The scrap laying around were set pieces meant to entertain. The grass was all heartbroken, completely still, hoping that they would have a purpose. The building where I slept was just a box. When I walked inside, I just saw… a shell. There was nothing special about that place; it was all just an elaborate scheme meant to make the man inside feel important. But he wasn't. And neither was I. He could play his game however he wanted, make himself think he was in control, but I wouldn't be a part of it: not anymore.

"Ah, she's finally home."

I didn't even turn to look at him. I didn't want to see him differently, but I knew I would. How could I not?

"For a second there, I thought you might be a goner. It's good to see you."

"Is it?" I said it so matter-of-factly. Any spite or sorrow I put into my words would just make me look weak.

He didn't say anything for a minute. Finally, he clicked his tongue. "Are you ever gonna form your own thoughts? Your own opinions?"

"Excuse me?" Finally, I had the courage to glare. He was… the same as I remembered.

"You may not think you let other people tell you what to do or how to feel, but you sure as hell let your mother manipulate you into being who she wants you to be."

"What are you talking about? If I was the person my mother wanted me to be, then I would have just as much reverence for you, your siblings, and Miranda as she does!"

"You're just a kid acting out. If you really meant what you said, you wouldn't rely so much on what she thinks of you."

He was right; he really was. I know that now. But the me of that moment, that argument, denied it.

"So, what does that make you? Should I be taking your word as gospel instead?" I retorted.

"Are you even listening? I said be your own person! You shouldn't take advice from other people on how to feel!"

"Ha! Wow… you're just covering your own ass, aren't you? You think your words don't mean anything? You think they don't impact how I or anyone else feels?"

He smirked. I wanted to knock his teeth out. "So, you do care?"

"Shut up."

"What, did I touch a nerve? What exactly have I said that you don't like? Tell me what you really think."

"You first."

He just laughed. "Fine. Then at least tell me this; why did you come back here? If you really hate me that much, which I'm not entirely convinced you do, then why are you here? You could've gone back with your mama and lived happily ever after. That's what you wanted, right?"

Bastard… I hated that he could look through me like I was made of glass. He was testing me, seeing if I meant what I said.

"…I told you what I want."

"And that's why you're here?"

"I'm here to get answers. Why is my mother dragging around dead bodies for you?"

"That's none of your business."

"None of my business?! They almost killed me because of it! Of course it's my business!"

He just glowered at me. "And I told you not to go after her. But here we are."

"What are you hiding?"

"I said it's none of your business."

"What, you don't trust me?"

"Why should I? You can't seem to decide which side you're on."

Side? Who said anything about sides? "I don't know what you're−"

"At first, I took you as the type who would do anything to reach their goal, to go against the grain. But maybe I was wrong."

"…Because I've been influenced by Mamă?"

"Would you really do whatever it takes to get out of this village? Have you even thought about what that means? About what you might have to lose?"

I opened my mouth to shoot back… Words escaped me. What it took to get out of the village… No, I'd never thought about it. I saw it as an ideal: a fantasy. I thought it was achievable, but I'd never taken the time to plan it out. It was just… a wish. All that smack talk, and I had nothing to back it up. Heisenberg was right; I was just a kid.

When Heisenberg saw me shut my mouth, he gave up the assault. But he wasn't finished saying his piece. "You're looking into this too much. If you're relying on what someone said years ago, you're gonna miss the whole picture. Focus on what's happening in front of you. And for god's sake, stop letting your mother determine your emotions. She may have taught you how to walk, but she can't teach you how to feel."

My anger dissolved from my face. "Wait… then what you said to Mamă−"

"A lot can change in three years, buttercup."

Heisenberg left me standing there to soak in reality. Wow… I was an idiot. Not once had I considered asking Mamă when Heisenberg had made that statement. What a moron… I wanted to smack myself.

I looked around the factory again. Maybe everything wasn't so artificial. After all that, it looked like… a puzzle. A bizarre, jagged puzzle that was only partially solved.

Mamă had been my greatest inspiration, my hero, most of my life. But she was only human, and humans are subjective creatures. It's important not to take one person's words as truth. I couldn't just take Heisenberg's or Mamă's words as gospel; I had to look at them both. And when I put them together, over the course of the years, I saw…

Ah, maybe it's best to save that for later. What's important is that by the end of that day, I was convinced that Mamă was jealous.

I didn't argue with Heisenberg again. It wasn't because I didn't have any more frustrations; I just didn't want to get schooled again. I barely said anything to him. He stayed closer to me than usual. Something told me I wasn't about to go off on another quest to save Mamă any time soon.

That didn't stop me from worrying. For all I knew, the villagers had spotted her and killed her by nightfall. But luckily for me, I had a source.

"How's Mamă?" I asked Heisenberg one day. He almost seemed surprised to hear me talk.

"She's alive. Making it by the skin of her teeth, but alive."

"How do you know?"

"I have my ways."

"Just like you know everything that goes on?"

He smirked. "Damn right."

"And you're never going to tell me how, are you? Or why you're interested in dead bodies?"

"Never say never, buttercup."

Should I have been flattered, or scared that he had been keeping that close of an eye on me the entire time? I couldn't decide. It didn't really matter how I felt; he was doing it regardless. Even if I didn't know how he was watching everything, I could at least validate the accuracy of what he said. After all, he knew about my exchange with Mamă in the reservoir. He also knew that the villagers were upset without having to leave the factory. Whatever weird method he was using, it was certainly omnipresent.

A few days later, as I was feeding Daria, the unthinkable happened; Mamă appeared at the gates. I couldn't fathom what made her change her mind. Maybe she was finally tired of living on the run.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

Mamă put her index finger to her lips and glanced behind me. "I came to get you out of here," she whispered.

I took a peek over my shoulder before leaning closer to her. "Why? You said it yourself; this is the safest place for me. Just come inside. I can convince Heisenberg to−"

Mamă vigorously shook her head. "Not anymore. I want nothing to do with that man. He won't save us."

"But I told you, he's already saved me. He would do the same for you if you just−"

"And how long do you think it'll stay that way? He doesn't love you, Lipa. But I do. So please, come with me."

Did you, Mamă?

"But… to where? We're being hunted by everyone else."

"Please tell me you haven't fallen for his lies."

Heisenberg's words ran through my mind. I couldn't take everything she said at face value. And then it dawned on me. That's what separated the two of them. Mamă could lie and had done it many times. Heisenberg wasn't like that. He may have withheld the truth from me, but he never lied; what I saw was what I got. That's why I was more inclined to trust him when Mamă slandered him.

"Heisenberg may be cunning, but he's no liar," I said.

Mamă sighed and frantically glanced around me again. "I know how to end this once and for all." Mamă grabbed my hand. "We can finally live in peace again."

"How?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

"Lipa, please!" Mamă urged, her eyes begging to mine. It takes a cruel person to deny someone so desperate.

I slowly nodded. "All right, Mamă. But let me grab Daria."

"No, there's no time!"

"If we're leaving for good, then Daria's coming with us!"

Surely there was enough time for that. Besides, Daria wasn't that far away. Mamă knew how important she was to me.

Her grip on me tightened. "No! We have to go!"

My instincts kicked me. For the first time, I became afraid of Mamă. Nothing she was doing made sense. The fear seized me as she started to tug on my real arm. Daria witnessed the scene and started to creep over, warning Mamă. I didn't want Mamă to get hurt, but my only hope of being free was−

"HEI−"

A blunt force met the back of my head. I fell in a heap as my vision blurred. I heard Daria's distress as she ran over, but Mamă shut the gates before she could interfere. Daria continued to protest as Mamă took me by the arm.

The next thing I remember was being dragged in a dark, rocky place. The few lights strewn along the walls at least let me get my bearings. Mamă was panting as she held my feet. When she saw my eyes on her, she paused. I started to writhe in her hands.

"Lipa, stop! This is for your own good!"

"Where are you taking me?!"

"To the only person who can free us."

"Free us from what?!"

"From our sins. We've… you've spit in the face of the black god! The only way we can be saved is if Mother Miranda cleanses you."

That was an awfully nice way of saying "sacrifice"… Mamă meant to give me up as penance for our "sins". I stared into her desperate eyes, searching for something, anything I could hold onto.

"Don't you see, Lipa? If we'd only just cooperated…"

"If we'd cooperated, then we would've died before Tată," I shot.

Mamă's eyes burned with rage. "And why did your father become sick? Because you questioned Miranda!"

Her words were beyond unjust; they were maddening. How could I possibly win in a fight against a woman who believed wholeheartedly in something that saw her as less than dirt? Still, I had never expected such cruel words from her. Despite her undying devotion, she had given me to Heisenberg in the hopes of saving me. That had to mean something, surely. It had restored my belief that I was above all else in Mamă's eyes, that despite the harassment she received from the village after my birth, she still loved me. I could forgive her if she blamed me for ruining her womb… It was quite possible that I had. But to blame me for what happened to Tată… I wouldn't stand for that.

"You think this is the only way? You think this'll save us from our misery?! Tell me how that goes once you're by yourself in this miserable fucking village!"

"I've been alone! Ever since you left with Heisenberg, I've been miserable! I've had to bear the burdens of the sins you left me with, the sins you made me commit because you wouldn't listen! All I ever wanted was for you to have a good life: the life Miranda had planned for you. I let your father guide you down the wrong path. I should've never let him plant those ridiculous ideas in your head! Because of your defiance, your disbelief, we've lost everything, in this life and the next! But we can change that. You can free your father from his eternal damnation, Lipa! Mother promised me. She told me that if you just repent before her, all will be forgiven! I may have to suffer years of solitude in this life, but at least I'll know that I can be with you in the next."

A spark inside me died. A question that long lingered in my mind was answered. I no longer had to wonder what was most important to Mamă. Yes, from that moment on, I realized that for many years, I was no longer Lipa Tarnicerin: daughter of Constanta Tarnicerin. No… the entire time, I'd been Lipa: heretic, deserter, sinner. And so, my heart broke beyond repair. The one person I'd come to love and trust above all else didn't hold me in the same regard. She may have once, but that time was long gone.

I had a choice to make; I could continue to love that husk who called herself my mother, or I could finally free myself of the bond I'd insisted on maintaining. It was a choice of life or death.

"You know… I always wanted a sibling, probably almost as much as you wanted another child. But I'm grateful every day that no one else had to be born into a family where their mother would sooner leave them for dead than hold them in her arms!"

The restraints my mother used were only effective when I was asleep. With my full strength, I snapped my arms free from the flimsy cloth and kicked her away. I hastily released my feet and was met with a knife in my face.

"Why can't you just cooperate?!"

Oh, Mother… Poor, poor Mother… Life isn't about compliance; if only you'd come to realize that as I had.

"You're really gonna kill me, Mamă?" My voice started to shake. "You'd really do that to me just so you can get 'salvation'?"

The knife in her hand may have trembled, but her voice was certain. "…Yes. I will."

She slashed the knife toward my face, but I managed to grab her arm before it could land. With my metal arm, I pried the weapon from her. She took me by the shoulders and shoved me against the wall. My head spun again, but I kept a firm grip on the knife. She punched me with her left hand, knocking my face to the side.

She's in my way… She's in my way…

My choice had been made. There was no going back. If she insisted on impeding me, then there was only one thing to do. I was going to get out of that village. The resolve I'd lacked the whole time, the thing that Heisenberg told me I'd been missing, was right there in front of me. All I had to do was take it. And take it I did.

The knife plunged into my mother's chest. My metal arm did the driving as my real arm steadied her. A gasp escaped her mouth, then a cough… Then quick, agonized breaths as she stumbled back and onto the ground. Tears filled my eyes as I watched the blood seep from her.

I knelt to her side, sobbing. "Why? Why, why, why, why?! We were supposed to leave… we were supposed to leave together! Why wouldn't you…?!"

My mother lifted her hand to my face as tears flowed down the corners of her eyes. "The outside world… won't save you …"

I held her in my arms as she gave more agonized breaths. Her hand slid down my face and onto the ground beside her. And then... she was gone. Her eyes were devoid of light, her body still.

I shakily stood and looked at my hands. They were soaked in her blood, in my sin. My knees gave and I fell to my hands. My body rejected my actions and forced my stomach's contents out. Once the dizziness passed, I attempted to stand again. I placed one hand on the wall as I walked in the opposite direction my mother had dragged me.

"Lipa!"

That voice… I had never been so relieved to hear it.

"Lipa!"

It was getting closer, closer… I ran forward, desperate to get away from my final transgression as a daughter.

Heisenberg appeared around the bend of the tunnel. He looked into my eyes for a moment. I shook as I walked to him. My chest was tight, my breathing erratic and heavy.

"Easy; I've got you." He held me by the shoulders as my body tingled. My vision started to go static, but I was still standing.

"Come on, let's get you out of here."

After that, my senses faded.

The next thing I remember was a brief moment of seeing Heisenberg kneeling in front of me. He was holding one of my hands. His mouth was moving, but I didn't hear a thing. I could've sworn my mouth moved, but I don't know if any words came out. My vision went static again.

Eventually, I was able to see. I was sitting on my bed in the factory. I spotted Heisenberg to my left, his back facing me. I attempted to speak again. It must've worked because he turned around and crouched in front of me.

"…pa? Lipa? Can you hear me?"

I slowly nodded. Everything was still dimmed, as if there was interference. But I could at least understand what he was saying. My body was shaking terribly, and I became aware of my ragged breathing once again. How long had I been like that?

Heisenberg took my right hand. "Focus on me, OK?"

I nodded. He squeezed my hand. The pain jolted me into focus.

"Now, deep breath."

In… and out. In… and out.

As my lungs finally steadied, so did my hands. I noticed the blood staining my sleeves. I lifted my right palm from Heisenberg and looked at the dark red marks that were embedded in its creases.

"I…" I started, not even knowing where I was going.

"You don't have to say it. I know."

I set my hand down against the bed and stared at him. His gaze was even. His eyes were…Wait… His eyes… I'd never seen them before. But there they were… They were a lot… softer than I expected.

Everything was numb… and I just needed something, anything. So, I clung onto the only thing that was there; him. With my arms wrapped around him, I cried into his right shoulder. After a moment, he held me in return.

"You made the right choice," he said gently.

Yes… yes, I had.