Notes: This chapter is longer than I expected, but I really didn't want to break anything in the middle so… well, I hope you enjoy it.
The party
He didn't even know how many glasses he had drunk. He only knew that the people around him were starting to rotate, and that the bitterness was starting to rise again. For a couple of days he hadn't thought about Laxus, he had been doing pretty well actually. After asking Lucy to host him for a few days, he had almost found a bit of a good mood. In fact, he had focused on university lectures so as not to have to think about it. And it had worked.
Until Lucy and Natsu decided to drag him to a college party. Freed was terrified of seeing Laxus at any moment. He knew he was there because he had crossed paths with Bickslow and Evergreen. If he had apologized to the two friends and talked a bit, he had not yet done so with Laxus. He hadn't even seen him. And he had refused to talk about him to anyone, partly because he desperately wanted to stop thinking about it, partly because if he started, he didn't know what would come out of his mouth.
"Cana, you made him drink too much," Lucy snorted. "He was supposed to take us home, now how do we get back?" she asked.
"I can drive," Freed said, feeling the keys Lucy had given him in his pocket. In reality he wasn't so sure he could do it, he would see at the end of the evening and if he didn't feel able to do it, they would walk back. It wasn't really a problem. Furthermore, he was convinced that Natsu would offer to accompany Lucy to her bed. Indeed, Freed felt a bit like the third wheel at the blonde's house, but he hadn't mentioned it.
"No, you can't," Lucy said, laying her head on the table.
"You two are completely gone!" Cana exclaimed laughing.
"You made us drink too much," Freed justified looking around. He was looking for Evergreen and Bickslow, but the two seemed to have disappeared from circulation. The first was probably making out with Elfman somewhere, while the second… well, the second could be anywhere with anyone.
Freed stood up, deciding that a walk would do him good. Usually, it helped him to get rid of the hangover, rather than sitting down to eat. Lucy stood beside him and grabbed hold of his arm.
"Are you going home already?" she asked plaintively.
"No, I'm just going to take two steps," Freed replied.
"I'll take you," Lucy said and Freed was forced to drag her behind him. He'd have preferred to avoid, Lucy was more drunk than him and she had started talking about Natsu and really, Freed didn't want to know what they were doing in bed. Fortunately, shortly after they crossed his boyfriend and Lucy jumped on him making him almost fall to the ground.
Freed let the two have fun and moved away from the party. He shoved past all the dancing boys and exited the Blue Pegasus. Finally outside he took a breath of air and sat on a bench, ignoring the group of boys who were smoking. He ran a hand through his hair, hoping that the cold evening air would be enough to make him regain some clarity.
He had been an idiot to drink so much, he wasn't used to alcohol and Cana had brought him too many drinks. He should have simply refused, but he hadn't thought the brunette was still able to drink that much. He closed his eyes for a moment, resting his head on the wall and thinking back to the last few days.
He really needed an apartment, or a ticket to Germany. He honestly didn't know what to do, he felt a bit lost. Although he had recovered the relationship with many of his old friends, he could not recover the one with the most important person, and he felt terribly bad. Other than being ridiculous, he couldn't allow a single person to influence him that much.
He heard someone sitting next to him but didn't give it much importance, at least until the person spoke. He just greeted him, but at the all too familiar voice Freed snapped his eyes open and turned to see that he was Laxus. He stiffened suddenly and started to get up and go back inside the room, but the blond put his hand on his wrist.
"Wait," he said harshly. "We need to talk".
"We've nothing to say to each other," Freed retorted. He moved his hand away and stood up. Laxus was immediately beside him.
"Are you running away again?" he asked irritably. Freed gave him a dirty look.
"I just go wherever the fuck I want," he retorted and tried to pass Laxus to get back into the club, but the blonde moved blocking his way.
"Good heavens, we can't go on like this," he growled.
"Why not? That was what you wanted, wasn't it? Let me get away from the apartment," Freed grunted in response.
"I never wanted it and you know it well," Laxus snapped.
"Hey, you're in the way," one boy said, shoving them both. Freed and Laxus moved sideways to make room in front of the door. Freed turned his gaze back to the blonde, not understanding what he meant by that phrase. He didn't really want to think about it, he just wanted to go home and throw himself on the bed, drain a bottle of water, hoping not to have a hangover the next day and sleep. He'd had enough of fighting and Laxus. He'd had enough of everything.
He just wanted to have a normal fucking life, without being forced to sleep in a different place every night. He wanted to stop feeling so pathetic to still think of his best friend for whom he'd had a crush and for which he couldn't stop feeling his feelings.
"I just know I don't want to see you anymore," Freed hissed and turned to leave. He didn't even want to go back into the club anymore. Lucy would've Natsu take her home, she didn't need him. He went into the street to get away from the bar but Laxus followed him.
"Can you stop for once? Or will you continue to run away all your life?" he asked aloud a few steps behind him. Freed stopped in the middle of the road and turned to the boy. His irritation was palpable.
"Maybe I'm leaving because I don't want to see you anymore," he growled.
"You're running away," Laxus insisted.
"What the hell do you want to talk about, huh? We haven't heard from each other for three years and suddenly you remember me?" Freed snapped starting to get irritated. Maybe it was the alcohol, but he wanted to pour it all out on him.
"What?" Laxus said in surprise and grinned. "You're joking. It's your fault we haven't heard from each other again. You left, without even warning me, without even saying goodbye, without even sending me a fucking message. And you haven't even answered a single call from me, or a message from me. You have ended our friendship" he accused, raising his voice.
Freed laughed bitterly.
"Sure," he mocked, "Because you were a great friend instead, always if what we did was as friends. Oh right, we didn't do anything. It was just drunken bullshit, and alcohol made you forget all about the next day" he said ironically but became serious soon after. He narrowed his gaze and stared at Laxus. "It was enough for me to come out and you didn't want to touch me or go out with me anymore. Every time I tried to talk to you, to get close to you, you walked away, you found an excuse, you went out with Jenny, with anyone just not to be with me anymore. And I'd have ruined our friendship? You did it long before I left," he growled.
"If you had answered my calls, you would've understood that..." Laxus tried to say.
"I don't give a fuck!" Freed snapped. "I already know what you will tell me, that you were afraid and that you didn't want anyone to know, but I told you that day. I would never have forced you to tell anyone else!" he blurted out.
"It's not just that".
"I don't care!" Freed exclaimed.
"Holy shit, you won't even let me explain!" Laxus snapped. Freed started to argue but headlights illuminated the road and the two turned to the side seeing that a car was approaching. Laxus quickly grabbed Freed by the arm and pulled him towards him to move onto the sidewalk. Just in time not to be run over.
That gesture, however, had led the two boys to be terribly close. Laxus's hand was still wrapped around Freed's bicep, Freed's hands resting on his chest. Freed looked up and found himself within a whisker of Laxus's face. He could clearly smell the blond's last cigarette.
The desire to push forward, to join their lips to remember their taste and their texture was great. The desire to go back to stupid high school students who kissed without caring about anything other than momentary pleasure was too much. But at the same time Freed was terrified and realized that those few inches were driving him crazy.
He didn't want to start over. He didn't want to hurt himself again, and the old friend's breath on his face was already hurting him. Because Laxus wasn't walking away. Because Laxus had leaned even further towards him. Their lips touched and for Freed it was like getting a shock.
He drew back badly, pushing Laxus away from him with his heart pounding. He turned and decided to get away from him for good, took Lucy's keys and ran towards the parking lot.
Lucy was making out with Natsu. Between a laugh and the other she didn't know whether to give in to his advances and risk doing something in a parking lot where anyone could have arrived, or whether to wait to go home. The roar of an engine roused her from her thoughts and the two boys stopped abruptly, anxious to be discovered.
They turned to understand how far the car was, but when they saw the 500 leave quickly, they stood for a moment staring at the vehicle. Lucy for alcohol was still trying to figure out if she was right, and Natsu got there before her.
"It was Freed! He left us on foot!" the boy exclaimed. Lucy turned to his boyfriend.
"What?" she whispered. The reality of what had happened hit her in an instant. "No. He was drunk, he can't drive in those states," she said worriedly. "Oh fuck. It wasn't him, was it? It wasn't him!" she exclaimed. She looked at Natsu hoping he would tell her what she wanted to hear, but the boy was sure of what he had seen.
"Shit," Natsu said and ran to the club. "We've to reach him and stop him," he said.
Lucy followed him and ran towards the entrance of the club, while a thousand scenarios came to mind. Freed had always been a careful guy, with his head on his shoulders. That was why she had left him her car keys. Because she knew that even if he got drunk, he wouldn't risk driving. Apparently, she was wrong.
They reached the entrance and luckily they immediately saw their friends there. Bickslow, Cana and Mirajane were talking and Lucy and Natsu approached the three boys. Natsu quickly explained to them what they had seen and asked them if anyone was sober enough to look for the boy.
"I haven't drunk anything, but how do we look for it? He's gone now," Mirajane said worried.
"Why the hell did he do that?" Cana snapped. "It's not like Freed to leave like this!" she exclaimed.
"We don't know, we just saw him in the car," Lucy said. At that moment Laxus came out of the room and Bickslow immediately stood in front of him.
"What the hell happened? Did you fight again?" he blurted out.
"What the fuck do you want," the blonde grunted.
"What the fuck do I want? Good heavens, you're two idiots!" Bickslow exclaimed "You know Freed left by car?".
"What's the news, he's always leaving," Laxus muttered.
"He's dead drunk! He'll kill himself." Bickslow yelled and pulled out the phone, dialed a number but Lucy put her hand on his wrist.
"If you call him, he risks answering you while he drives. It would be even worse" she pointed out.
"What the hell do we do then?" Bickslow asked.
"Let's try to find him. He'll have gone to my house," Lucy reasoned. "Let's make the way and hope he's arrived safe and sound," she said trying to stay calm. Mirajane nodded and pulled out the keys.
"Let's go then," she said.
"Yes, you go. I'll call Ever and maybe we'll look around for him," Bickslow said. Lucy nodded and walked away with Mirajane, Natsu and Cana.
Laxus had been sitting on the bench for at least half an hour now. He kept thinking back to the argument he'd had with Freed, and feeling anguished not knowing what had happened to the boy and fearing it was his fault. Freed left the party because of him. If only Laxus hadn't come close, if only he hadn't forced him to speak, it wouldn't have happened. And now Freed was in danger of having an accident. Even though Bickslow hadn't said it explicitly, Laxus knew he did too. It was all his fault.
His friend's phone vibrated and Laxus turned hopefully to Bickslow. The two had stayed there hoping to hear from friends.
"Did they find him?" Laxus asked. Bickslow read the message and shook his head.
"Mira has gone around the block, and Ever's on her way to the hotel where Freed last went. But she doesn't see Lucy's 500 anywhere," he replied. Laxus sighed feeling worse and stared at the ground, putting his hands to his forehead. What if he had been in an accident? But they would still have seen the car, right? They would hear the sirens, or the news. Someone would have noticed.
What if Freed had left Magnolia instead? If he had entered the freeway in his condition to get away from there? Nausea hit him instantly, fearing the worst. He suddenly had a mad desire to jump into the street and make sure nothing of the sort had happened. Freed wasn't like that. He wouldn't risk that much just to get away from him, just to run back to the airport.
Suddenly a thought struck him and he jerked his head up. How the hell had he not thought about it? He stood up.
"Where are you going?" Bickslow asked.
"For a ride".
"Laxus, I know you've a thousand thoughts but I'm already worried about Freed. I don't want to worry about you too," his friend said wearily.
"I just have to take a walk. If you find him send me a message" the blond replied and then turned and walked towards his car.
He got in and started the car, exiting the Blue Pegasus parking lot and heading for the fields near the stream where he and Freed always went as kids when they wanted to be alone and talk freely. It was a little way out of Magnolia, and it was the only place Laxus refused to go without Freed.
After a few minutes he arrived, and as soon as he was there, he noticed with relief Lucy's 500 parked intact near the entrance of the path that led to the stream. Laxus parked the car and got out, starting along the path and turning on the phone flashlight. He walked all over it, came up to a large tree and passed it, and then looked for the little path he and Freed once walked to bathe in the creek.
He didn't find it, probably it had been covered by grass, but he continued anyway until he reached the bank of the stream. He looked around and after a few seconds he managed to spot the shadow of Freed, who was sitting about twenty meters from him on the bank of the stream.
Laxus decided to write to Bickslow in order to reassure him, telling him that Freed was fine. Then he made his way with the flashlight until he reached the boy. When he was close enough, he peered at him, but Freed was patently ignoring him. It was impossible that he hadn't noticed his arrival, but he persisted in keeping his gaze fixed on the water that flowed in front of him.
Laxus followed his gaze for a moment and watched the stream, remembering the afternoons spent there. The afternoons spent talking about their problems, letting off steam with each other, playing, diving into the water and hiding from their parents. Why the hell had they screwed it up? They had always had a fantastic friendship, a friendship that anyone would pay gold for.
Laxus turned off the phone's flashlight and put it in his pocket, ignoring Bickslow's call and silencing the phone. He sat down next to Freed and turned to him.
"Everyone's worried about you. You should answer Bickslow," he told him calmly. Freed surprisingly turned to him and for once his expression wasn't that cold and impassive that Laxus hated. It was an open and wounded expression, which reminded him of the old days.
"You want to know why I left three years ago, right?" he asked calmly. Laxus didn't answer. He just looked into his eyes, hoping he would understand for himself that yes, he wanted to know. He wanted to know why the hell he had avoided his calls, why he hadn't wanted to let him explain.
"Because I was in love with you".
Laxus froze, wondering if he had been hallucinating or if he had heard right. Freed smiled bitterly and turned back to the stream, took a stone and threw it into the water. The blond continued to stare at him in astonishment. Had Freed been in love with him in the past?
"I couldn't stand close to you as a friend anymore," Freed revealed. "Actually, I couldn't stand seeing you with Jenny. So I decided that a little different air would do me good" he explained. Laxus felt his throat go dry not knowing what to think. Knowing that Freed was in love with him at the time was… shocking. If only Laxus had known he would have acted differently.
"I didn't know," he only managed to say.
"Of course you didn't know," Freed said. "I kept it well hidden. Well, at least when I wasn't getting drunk," he commented throwing another pebble into the stream. He continued speaking with a surreal calm. "For a while I thought you reciprocated. You know... for what we did. Then when we talked I realized that this wasn't the case. I don't blame you for it, you made it clear from the first evening that there was nothing more than friendship between us. I just didn't want to understand it".
Laxus swallowed nervously. It wasn't true. He'd only spent those nights with Freed because he was a coward who couldn't even admit his true feelings to his best friend. If he had done it, things would have been different. They could have dated, even in secret, going out for a while without ruining their friendship.
"And when I chose to come out, I finally realized that there was nothing between us. I was a little pissed off, and I left," he said. "Oh, and I blocked you on all social networks. It was silly and childish, and I knew you were trying to contact me. Bickslow told me. But I didn't want to have anything to do with you anymore. You know… I just wanted to forget you," he revealed.
Maybe it was the alcohol that made him talk so much. Laxus didn't know. He just knew he felt bad knowing. He had thought that Freed hated him, that he didn't care about him anymore. He had called him so many times, he had left him many messages on his answering machine in which he apologized and asked him to speak. There had even been one in which he had written to him that he was in love with him, but he had never received an answer. And when after a month he had given up, he had begun to hate Freed rather than himself. To blame him for everything.
"Have you ever read or listened to one of the messages I sent you?" Laxus asked. Freed shook his head. "If I had known, I wouldn't have acted like that," the blond said. "I would never have dated Jenny. I thought you didn't care. After the day we talked, I thought that for you it was just... a thing without feelings. Yes, maybe you were attracted to me, but I thought you weren't very interested in me".
Freed turned his gaze to him and frowned.
"However, you didn't have the same feelings."
"I did," Laxus said. I still do, he thought.
"What?" Freed whispered widening his eyes.
"I was in love, but I was an idiot. I don't even know what I was afraid of, I didn't want anyone else to know and... I know you told me we shouldn't tell anyone but... I hated the idea that someone even suspected something like this. I loved spending my time with you but I felt… wrong. I went out with Jenny to convince myself that I was attracted to women" he threw out.
Freed remained silent and Laxus glanced at him, not knowing what to expect.
"I'm sorry. I should never have distance you," Laxus said. "I only realized everything I had done when you left for Germany. I tried to contact you anyway but you didn't answer and… I ended up pissed off," he revealed.
Freed felt it all hit him at once. He was still a bit confused by alcohol, but the fresh air and the walk had cleared his mind. Now the confusion was mainly due to Laxus and his words. If only he had replied to a message, they wouldn't have been there talking about the past right now. If only he had answered a goddamn call. He had been a coward and an idiot, he had put it all behind him for nothing. He hadn't even given him a chance.
"I should never have left," he whispered more to himself than to Laxus. Three years thrown down the toilet. To tell the truth, a friendship and a possible relationship thrown down the toilet. Now Laxus wasn't interested in him anymore, right? He had spoken in the past tense, and then, he was dating Rufus. Freed was still the same idiot in love, even after so long. Forgetting a person must have been easy, but forgetting the best friend with whom he had spent more than eight years together was impossible for him.
He had to tell him, he had to at least try. Know and clearly hear the blonde's answer. Make it clear, but he couldn't do it. Because he already knew the answer. Laxus had moved on with Rufus, he was only there because he lacked his friendship with him. And if Freed revealed his feelings, they would never be friends again. Not that there was any hope of returning as it once was.
Freed looked down at his hands. He should have answered Laxus years ago. If only he had done it, he would have taken the plane and returned to Magnolia, in the arms of his friend. They would spend an entire summer together and then, maybe, they would start dating seriously. Maybe in secret, but he didn't care. He just wanted to be with Laxus.
It was useless to think about the past. He had to think about the present, tell him that he was still in love and that was why he was so pissed off when he saw him with Rufus.
"It's too late?" Laxus asked in a whisper, rousing him from his thoughts. Freed turned and met his gaze. He didn't answer and the blond walked over to him.
Freed felt his throat go dry as the boy's breath hit his face. He didn't understand what was happening but that didn't stop him from pushing forward slightly, without having the courage to close the distance between them.
Their breaths mixed but neither of them dared to take the last step. They stared at each other for a few seconds in silence, trying to understand what the other wanted, without speaking. But it was impossible, they hadn't made it years before when they were good friends, they would never have made it at that moment.
"I don't want to repeat the mistake of years ago," Freed murmured.
"Me neither," Laxus replied in a low voice.
"What do you want?" Freed asked in a whisper.
"You".
Freed's eyes widened slightly. "You mean…?"
"I want to go out with you, if it's not too late."
"It isn't," Freed replied and his lips curled into a tiny smile. Laxus did the same and they continued to stare at each other for a while, before starting to speak in a low voice again.
"I don't want to screw it up again," Laxus admitted.
"Me neither".
Freed wanted to push himself and kiss him. It took so little. But the terror of ruining everything again tore him apart, even though this time he knew that Laxus really wanted to go out with him.
He turned his head to the side and rested his chin on the boy's shoulder. He wrapped his arms around his torso holding him in a hug. A little later he felt Laxus' arms do the same. It was such an intense sensation that he couldn't find the words to describe it. Being in Laxus's arms was the best he could want at the moment. Finally back next to his friend. It was all so surreal that he didn't want to move.
"I missed you," Laxus whispered in his ear, holding him tight.
"I missed you too".
Ignoring the cold evening air, the two boys remained embraced on the bank of the stream, forgetting the time that passed.