Compass
Disclaimer: I do not own Tales of Xillia series!
CHAPTER 2
Papers were scattered all over the carpeted floor of her bedroom.
The clock stroke 9, she hadn't eaten yet, and she didn't plan to do so until something was coming out of this mess.
A knock echoed in her room. She was tempted to ignore it, but she knew it would hurt her mom or dad's feelings.
"Come in!"
Her mom's head appeared in the room, her eyes narrowed at the sight in front of her.
"You plan to kill every tree in the world with all these papers?"
Leia sighed and breathed out. She stretched her arm above her head, calming the irritation that was rising in her.
"It's the only way I found to try to clear my head: scribbling all I had in my mind to read it and try to understand something… But don't worry, the massacre ends here," replied Leia with a light snarl.
"Well, it's not me who'll have to clean all this… Here, I brought you some snacks; your brain will need it."
" Eeeerm… Thanks?"
Leia didn't know if she had to feel grateful or offended, and decided to let it slide.
Her mother studied the face of her daughter, and felt a bit relieved. She seemed to have that little spark back, and she already knew she would let her do everything she wanted, everything she needed to be happy. Even if it meant to let her go.
"Let me know if you need anything, and don't hesitate to go out a little if you feel the need to do so," said her mom while closing the door.
Leia looked at the now closed door, feeling a new surge of energy. Grabbing some apple slices, she dug into the paper to try to analyze it.
One hour later, she had piled some papers together and tried to make some links, and she was starting to sum up everything. She had listed some ideas so far.
First, she was totally lost about her future. Every plan she had made until now had been related to someone. She decided to help at the clinic to spend most of her time with Jude, with the intention to be closer to him, and confessing one day. Why not take the path of his parents after they retire?
But this plan had been burn to ashes with the fact that Jude will never see her like a possible girlfriend... And that was shy she had quit her job as a nurse: she was lost about her real motives now that the reason she wanted to do that was gone.
Working at the inn was an emergency solution, since she needed something to do to avoid the loneliness and the hard thinking she had to do.
Second, she had accumulated too much regrets and unspoken things during her fifteen years on this planet. She always put the others first, and she had the tendency to suppress her feelings. She truly cared about people she loved, that would never change, but right now, she felt an urge to speak for herself, to confront the others about some issues, even if it lead to a conflict. She had to speak to two people according to what she wrote: Jude and Alvin... And she had the feeling that she wouldn't be able to be her cheerful and happy-go-lucky self again if she didn't sort this out.
Sighing, she looked at the pile she had done with these papers.
"I have a better idea of the problem, but what about the solution?" muttered the young girl, munching on her grape.
In a way, the solution to the second problem was simple: go and talk to the two men. Maybe the solution to the first will came when she had some free space in her head.
"Or I can ask Mom and Dad for advice, then... Anyway, I promised Mom to tell her what I was planning to do, so let's go!"
She hopped on her feet and walked to the door, a determined spring in her steps.
Her parents were cleaning the kitchen in silence when Leia popped her head in the doorway.
"Mom, Dad, need a hand?" asked the girl, approaching them.
"Remember what I said?" said her mother firmly.
"Yeah.. About that... I have some things to discuss with you."
Her mom dropped the cloth she was using, when her father quickly stopped washing the dishes.
"What is it Leia? You're worrying me," exclaimed her father, seizing her by the shoulders, his hands still wet from his task.
"No need to worry, Dad. I had thought all day, and I know now that I need to do some things to go on with my life". Her serious tone made her mother proud, bur afraid at the time. When Leia set something in her mind, she never let go of it, and that could lead to a good dose of hurt.
"Right, dear, come at the table, we are listening."
The three of them sat on the kitchen table, her dad bringing water and snack.
"You know that since I've returned from that journey, I said that I wanted to work at the inn?"
"Yes ! I was so glad that you did so! We're staying together here, living like a happy family!" said her Dad with emotion.
Here comes the first blow… Sorry Dad…
"About that, I think that I just wanted to avoid the moment to make a decision… It was quite coward of me, but now I know that I wanted to feel safe and take the easy way."
The look on her father face made her heart ache, but the one on her mother's relieved her.
Her mother nudged on her father's elbow, with a disapproving look in her eyes. Sighing, he looked at Leia before asking her the dreaded question.
"So, what do you plan to do?"
Leia watched silently her parents, and took a breath before giving her answer.
"I want to go on a journey again."
"Alone?!" exclaimed her father, getting up in a sudden movement.
"I have some things to fix with Jude, and with other people."
"You could call them to make them come here and chitchat, for Christ's sake! You're only fifteen Leia!"
"And she managed to travel and take care of her and her friends, to face monsters and other foes, and to stay true to herself and her beliefs until the end... She is not fifteen in her mind, dear, not anymore," stated calmly her mother.
Leia looked at her with a grateful smile plastered on her lips. She didn't expect her mom to understand her so perfectly.
"Still... I won't allow this!" screamed her father while pacing back and forth on the room.
Leia winced at her father's words. She knew he would be hard to convince. She knew that she could not throw a childish pit or the puppy eyes this time.
"Then... I won't able to know myself and to be the cheerful Leia I was."
Her dad froze, looking at his daughter.
"Aren't you happy here?"
"Since I came back, I haven't been myself, and I have hidden all that because I didn't want to worry you. It's not that I am not happy, but something is simply missing, and I am convinced that talking to these people and going on this journey alone will help me to feel like myself again".
She took a deep breath, trying to fight back the tears that were pooling in her green orbs.
"I... I just feel lost Dad, and now that I know what the problem is, I can't ignore it either. So... please... trust me..."
Her mother stood up and engulfed her in a warm embrace, her father standing still, dumbfounded.
"I'm proud of you my Leia. It's hard to acknowledge your weakness like that, and I know how much you hate hurting people, more so your parents. You'll find a way, I know it..." whispered her mother softly, her voice muffled by Leia's hair.
Suddenly, her father joined them, tears in his eyes.
"I didn't realize what you've been through dear. I was just happy to have you back... I'm so sorry..."
Leia was now clearly crying from relief, with a hint of sadness and a spoonful of happiness. She really was lucky to have such a family.
"Don't be sorry Dad, I'm glad to have both of you, and you make me happy. It's just that..."
"I got it. Youth crisis, huh? Promise me you won't do something reckless and keep in touch as much as you can."
Leia nodded, overwhelmed by all the feelings racing in her mind. Bathing in her parents' kindness, she gathered all her strength to face her journey.
« Clothes, money, some snacks, water... »
Leia was checking her bag for the tenth time since this morning. The day of her departure had come, and she felt excited and scared at the same time. When she had quit her house, she knew she wasn't alone and could rely on the other. This time, she would have to manage all this by herself.
Her mother chuckled as she entered her daughter's room.
"You know, you'll end up missing your boat if you continue with your packing-unpacking thing..."
"Mom... Yeah you're right, but I don't wanna forget something, since I don't know if I'll be able to purchase it on the way."
"You'll be fine. Besides, your first stage is Fennmont, who is reachable directly by boat from here. So you won't need to pack your whole room for this short travel."
Leia closed her bag for the last time, and headed downstairs, her mother on her trail. Her father was waiting downstairs, a small bag in his hand.
"I made some snacks for your trip. Say hi to Jude for us!"
"I just hope I won't surprise him too much! So... I'm on my way...," whispered Leia while hugging her family.
"Stay safe, and see you soon," said her father, patting her head.
A soft humming was flying through the harbor air, with a rhythmic and regular noise of bouncing: her bag hanging on her shoulder, Leia was energetically walking with a jumpy pace.
But it's all an act and you know it, dear…
She had been elated to be on a ship again, but as the boat neared Fennmont, her joy had been mixed with dread and nervousness. She had tried to think about what she would say to Jude, about how she would proceed, but she had no plan in the end.
"I guess I'll go with the flow!" muttered the girl, twirling a strand of hair between her fingers.
She had decided to visit him in the hospital, hoping the effect of surprise will help her to gain time before talking about her real purpose.
And here she was, asking to have an appointment with Dr Mathis, knowing perfectly well that he couldn't do anything for her case, except maybe bring her some closure about her dying one-sided love.
She sat on the bench in front of the examination room n°5 and tried to put on a patient and calm behavior. She obviously failed, she knew it the moment she thought of it: her right foot was twitching, her fingers tapping against her bag or her thigh, recklessness invading her. And when she got up to leave, feeling her courage slipping away, she heard her name ringing in the hallway, an evident surprised tone lying in the voice.
"Leia ? Is that really you?"
"As observant as usual, Dr Mathis," replied Leia, smirking slightly.
Jude frowned at the name she used for him. Something was off with his childhood friend, but exposing it in the middle of the hallway was not the best option.
"Miss Rolando, please come in," said politely the young doctor, gesturing his office.
Well, I'm screwed now, so let's do what I came here for…
She followed him and sat on the chair in front of him with a neutral face.
"You're worrying me Leia… Did something happen with…"
"No, I'm perfectly fine and healthy, stop making your hair graying too soon, Jude," replied Leia with a smile. "Even if you have really changed with all this, you'll always be the worrying brat, isn't it?"
Jude blushed lightly at her teasing. She seemed back to normal for now.
"Besides, am I not allowed to visit the one who had been my partner in crime for so many years?"
"I'm glad to see you, it had been awhile. Sorry if you felt unwelcomed, it's really not the case!"
They shared a silent smile, feeling the sense of familiarity setting in the room.
But reality kicked in with Jude's next question.
"I don't mean to be rude or anything, but… do you mind telling me why you're here? I mean in the hospital? We could have met somewhere else you know."
Leia gulped silently, gathering her thoughts in her mind.
"Well… I kinda wanted it to be a surprise… I have some things to settle, and some are related to you. If it had been planned, well… I thought it would be harder for me."
Jude watched her earnestly: he had seen this conversation coming, even if he dreaded it. He had done his share of thinking too, and even if he had been dense at the time, he had realized Leia's expectations after realizing his toward Milla.
He chose to stay silent, listening to her and letting her take the time she needed. He felt like he owed it to her, since he hadn't been aware of her struggling, probably hurting her without wanting it.
"You know… You've always been the kindest one, always putting the others first, watching over their well-being. It's what attracted people to you I think, and I'm no exception."
A sad smile crossed her features, making Jude's gaze softens. She never realized she was like that too, with her bright personality. After all, she was the one who put up with him after Milla's death, and if she hadn't been here, he would have let himself die.
He opened his mouth to add something when she cut him after taking a long breath.
"What I wanted to say was that I have loved you Jude, not as a childhood friend, but as someone who wanted to be by your side, to build something together with you."
Her green gaze was clouded by unshed tears, but looking straight in his amber eyes, conveying her confession with all her might.
"I'm sorry to burden you with my one-sided feelings Jude, because I know you already have someone like that in your heart. But I…"
"Don't apologize Leia. It's one of the things I appreciate with you: you care for the others but you never forget to be frank and honest."
He took her hand in his, maintaining their visual link.
"I have hurt you many times, by worrying for nothing, not trusting you, and not taking notice of your true feelings. You have every right to speak openly of this with me: if it wasn't the case, I don't deserve to be called your friend."
She exhaled and let few tears rolling on her cheeks. She felt relieved, but it was not over yet.
"Jude. Can you do another thing for me?"
He nodded, letting her hand go.
"Can you let me move on?"
Scratching the back of his head, the young man wondered if he could do this. Making her hopes die meant talking about a subject he avoided since… well… the end of their journey. But he had to answer honestly to her: he was not a liar, and maybe it was time for him to face his own demons.
"Leia… I truly care for you, but I love Milla, and she is the only one I want to build a future with… I'm sorry."
His apology was welcomed by one the most warming smile he had ever seen on his friend face.