Author's note: It is with a strange mixture of feelings that I'm posting this today.
Shame for having let down everyone for 7 years, including my past self who had so much ideas for this story. Pride for being able to stick my head out of the dark for a bit, and to take a step forward, as hesitant and usure of myself as I am.
Anyway, I'm trying to see this story through, because she meant and still means a lot to me. Thank you for your patience.
The soft light a new dawn shone through the curtains, resting on her awake face, lightning her chestnut hair. Her sleepy green gaze stared at the mansion's park, replaying the event from the previous night in her head.
The tangled sheets on the bed were speaking for themselves: she barely had a rest last night, her mind trapped between conflicting feelings. The sincere look in his eyes made no doubt about his intention, and she knew she could trust him. But doubt was still seizing her heart, everything was going too fast to her liking. She didn't expect to meet him so soon, she thought that she could have time to heal after Jude's rejection, as awaited as it was. She hoped to have time for herself to figure things out a bit more.
And she was angry that nothing was going according to plan, angry at herself for being naive, angry that she couldn't take a step forward.
She sighed heavily. It was no use to dwell on all this, her exhaustion would only getting worse. She had a promise to fulfill to Elize, so she'd better start to prepare for her day.
As she entered the kitchen, she was welcomed by smells of fresh tea and baking. Driselle was already up, reading the local newspaper while taking small sips of her tea. She smiled at her friend as she settled down on the chair in front of her.
"I didn't think that you were an early bird," said the young noblewoman, a mischievous smile on her lips, "help yourself with whatever suits you. I'm not a coffee drinker but I can brew you some anyway."
"Tea will be perfect, thank you! And I could say the same thing about you being up this soon, ya know?"
Leia took a piece of brioche and poured herself some bergamote tea: Driselle always had such great taste on this matter, and she had always enjoyed their girl tea time.
Driselle observed her brown-haired companion: she knew that she hadn't sleep well, her face showing sign of exhaustion. She could feel the gear in Leia's mind, as she put her usual cheerful front. Good thing that they were both up this early, she had a mask to crush in order for her friend to break free.
"I've been rising early since Cline's death. Guess it goes with my new responsibilities.", she casually replied, knowing that she'd be putting Leia in a tough spot.
Leia felt ill at ease: you could count on her to be clumsy and hurt people's feelings. "Oh…. I… I'm sorry, I didn't want to bring a sensitive subject up."
"You don't need to feel sorry. It is something that I've learned with time: there's no use to hide from painful feelings, if you want to overcome them." She calmly took a bite of her own breakfast, folding the newspaper and putting it aside. Since her brother's death, she had been forced to take matter in hand, and she often felt like she didn't belong here, that she was out of place.
How can a sheltered little noble's daughter like herself could be of any help to the people of Sharilton? She had struggled with her inadequacy alone for a long time, putting a front, working herself to the brink of exhaustion only to prove that she could walk in her brother's shoes...until she broke down one day in front of Rowen.
She wanted to properly grieve the only family she had left, she wanted to travel back to more innocent days, to do everything right from the start, to run away from pain.
She wanted time, time to prepare herself for fulfilling her duty the right way, time to be a good caretaker for Elize, time to be a good and fair ruler, time to be her carefree self sometimes.
She wanted everything she couldn't ever had, and she couldn't take it anymore.
Rowen took some public matters in hand, but took especially time to talk with her, around cups of tea and sweet's plates. His wisdom helped her to embrace all she felt, from the most painful sadness to the greatest elation, and to accept to let go of things she couldn't control. The few days she took for herself made her grow like she had lived several years, Rowen's guidance helping her kindly but relentlessly along the way.
And now was the turn to keep the wheel of kindness rolling.
"You know Leia, sometimes, you just have to recognize your own weakness to grow stronger. I've been struggling a lot since his death, and I did a lot of mistakes while managing Sharilton and my own life."
Leia stayed silent, drinking her tea thoughtfully. She never thought that they had that much in common. And the openness she displayed made her uneasy and… envious.
"What are you hiding from me, Leia? I'm certain that the purpose of your journey isn't only a friendly visit."
Leia gasped slightly, taken off guard by her friends assertive words. Driselle's blue eyes showed nothing more than sheer determination, and showed that she would not tolerate dishonesty.
The words got stuck in her throat, her mind reeling, as she kept silent again. Where to begin? She felt trapped without her usual mean of defense, the smile plastered on any circumstances.
Driselle watched as she squirmed, discomfort and suffering emanating from every pore of her skin. She had to give the final blow for all of this to be of any help. It wouldn't be pleasant, but this trick got her at her worst, only to get up back on her feet again. She took the most serious tone she could muster.
"Or maybe I am not a good enough friend to you to confide your secret?"
Leia's emerald eyes suddenly glazed with tears, that begin rolling down her cheeks, her constricted chest raking with painful sobs. Her head dropped, her hand clenching the fabric of her robe near her heart. It was too much, too painful, too freeing, too paradoxical. She only could utter "Sorry" and "I don't know what to do" over and over, in a broken voice.
Driselle immediately got up to kneel near her friend, gently raking her hand up and down her back, whispering her that she would be ok, that she was here.
Time flew, both unaware of its length. Eventually, the sobs faded, as the oppressing feeling ebbed away too. The sadness and doubt remained, but she could feel herself being more confident about her ability to handle them. At her side, Driselle smiled, and she got up to pour them another cup of warm tea.
"I'm sorry about my brashness, but I guess it was the only way for you to let go of all this pent-up emotions."
Leia's muffled voice echoed in the empty kitchen. "Did… did it go like that for you too?"
"Yes, I had to go through this, several times, to get better. I told you, you gain nothing from averting your eyes from your own feelings," she handed a cup to Leia and sat down back on her chair, "and that's where a good friend can help. You don't have to do everything alone, Leia; and you don't have to rush either."
Leia nodded silently, taking in the warmth of the cup and the homey feeling of the moment. "I guess I was getting frustrated with myself, and I wasn't aware of how disturbed I had been since the beginning of my journey."
"Tell me more, then. Maybe it could help to sort this out."
…
The game of hide and seek that was on had been a great breather after the heavy talk that took place in the morning. Leia knew that it was necessary now, but she enjoyed the carefree feeling nonetheless, as she was off to find Elize and her friends.
They were good kids, with different characters: the boy was shy and kind always looking out for the other three. One of the girl was more outgoing and mischievous in a good way, and the third one was a bit reserved but cheerful. Elize would grow up well, surrounded by various personalities that always reached for her to know about her needs and wants.
Anyway, she was to find the four of them, so here she was, browsing the streets of Sharilton in the area the determined beforehand. People in the streets eyed her in various way, from joyful to condescending but she couldn't care less for once. She always was seen as childish, but she took pride in being able to keep that part of innocence and curiosity. It really wasn't in her DNA to be morose or jaded for a long time, it was one of the only thing about herself that she certain of.
Basking in the soft warmth of the midday sun rays, she took in the bright and cloudless sky: she really was in a good mood, feeling lighter.
"So, where are those kids hiding?", she whispered to herself.
"Looking for something?"
She jumped out with a light scream, the warm and deep voice she yet knew startling her. She turned around with a huff, the sight of his tall silhouette covered by his new mantle and trademark scarf welcoming her with a wave, and a lopsided grin showing that he knew all too well what he had been doing.
"You're enjoying this, dontcha?"
"Well, you always had been fun to tease, and I am still a big child inside," he chuckled while cocking his head to the side, as he went on with a more serious tone, "you seemed to feel better than yesterday. I'm glad."
She thought to herself that it wasn't thanks to him, but she knew she was being unfair. Sure, he was one of the reasons behind her unease, but he wasn't the only one, so she felt like she couldn't blame him for everything.
"Yeah, nothing is impossible with a good friend's help!"
His grin grew softer as he nodded, relieved to see her cheerful side once more. Driselle must have done something and he made a mental note to himself to thank her later.
"Well, how come you're by yourself in the middle of the streets?"
"I'm playing hide and seek with Elize and her friends."
"Playing with the little spud, huh? Mind I I join in? It's been a while since I saw her, and I'm curious about her friends too."
"They're great kids, but I guess the best way to go is for you to see it yourself, you doting big brother."
He laughed, a strange warmth still running through him as the thought of being a part of this weird family. He still sometimes wondered how he ended up deserving such friends in his life, after all he had done: even if he had made progress in accepting their kindness, he couldn't say he had forgiven himself fully.
"Well, we have… how many kids to catch?"
She sighed, dramatically shaking her head.
"4 kids to catch, but I'm the only one who saw them… which means I'm the one in charge."
Her cheerful grin turned a bit more mischievous, as she thoroughly enjoyed the idea of ordering him around.
"Aye aye captain, what are your orders?"
"First, let me explain to you the limit of our area search…"
She exposed her plan, and he added some hindsight: they soon found Elize, who jumped in Alvin's arms again, all her cries of unfairness forgotten when he offered her an Elympian purple hair clip with a cute lotus design.
Leia was left to found the others three, as Alvin and Elize caught up with lost time. She took in the joyful expression of them both, the tall man eyes alight with mirth. They really seemed to be brother and sister, Elize totally at ease, confiding in her daily life as he listened intently.
Fifteen minutes later, they were all gathered near the inn, the girls initial sulking about losing the game replaced by an awe at the sight of Elize's big brother, that soon was overwhelmed by personal questions, Elize being scolded for not introducing him earlier.
Leia settled down next to the boy, who eyed the scene from afar silently. He had been the hardest to find, and did not seemed angry by the arrival of another player. His eyes were on Elize's smiling face, as she animatedly talk to Alvin between two energetic interruptions from the other girls.
"Thank you for taking care of Elize in our stead!"
He nodded, his eyes turning to her briefly before returning to the scene unfolding next to them.
"She doesn't smile that much with me, so I'm happy that you and her brother came today."
"Well, I'm sure that she'll be smiling more and more, I'm not worried about it. Besides, you are all very important to her: she always write about you three in her letters!"
"Really?", he asked in a tiny voice.
"Yup! But you know, if you want to make her happy, there is a secret…," she said in a hush tone, motioning him to lean in closer, "you just have to be spend time with her!".
She winked at him as his widened, and she pushed him toward the group, smiling.
The boy seemed unsure, looking back and forth. But Elize waved at him, a small smile on her face. His feet went in motion by themselves, as he jogged toward the girl, Leia slowly walking behind him.
Alvin had watched their conversation, a smile on his face. He winked at Leia as he offered to treat everyone to ice cream, to apologize for cheating on the game.
…
They had walked Elize's friends back home, Leia getting a thank-you hug from the boy before they parted ways.
"Today was a blast!", exclaimed the young girl, twirling around herself. "But next time, warn us if you join the game, because it really was unfair!"
"I'm sorry, spud. I tumbled on Leia searching for you by chance, and I really wanted to spend time with you and get to know your friends."
Alvin gently ruffled her hair affectionately, while she beamed at him. "You're forgiven, because it was so much better with you around!"
Driselle was waiting for them at the mansion entrance, and Elize ran all the way to her, jumping excitedly while she told her about her afternoon.
"You were right, they are good kids. I'm worried about the boy though… He was all puppy-eyed for her, and if I'm not around he might snatch her away from us and…"
She sighed and punched him lightly on the shoulder: she would have aimed for his head if he wasn't that freaking tall.
"Stop the overprotective brother persona right now, Alvin. She is just 12…"
"I recall that age is not really of importance in romance, if we take your example…"
He had uttered the words without thinking, knowing that it was a sensitive topic, and that he was overstepping the boundaries.
She laughed heart fully, scratching her cheek in embarrassment.
"Touche! But I don't think I am a good example on this matter, since it had kinda lead me to take a wrong path and make unhealthy choices."
His eyes widened a bit as her semi-confession, his curiosity on overdrive for a reason that he couldn't pinpoint himself well. She was talking about it in a casual tone, to him for crying out loud. He needed to know what was going on in her mind, in her heart, and the depth of this need scared him.
Ignorant of his inner turmoil, Leia was still speaking, her eyes never leaving Elize.
"Anyway, she has to learn and do her own experiences, you know? It doesn't mean you can't keep an eye on her, but she's near the tender age where it is cool to hide things from relatives and do as you please… I'd rather have her talk to us about her issues and heartbreak, to ask us questions than not trusting us with them."
He sighed loudly, the pang of need increasing. The carefree and childlike Leia was gone, he thought, leading her to bloom into someone else he craved and dreaded to get to know, without understanding why he wanted to witness her growth in the first place.
"Really, kids are growing too fast nowadays…"
She smiled at him playfully. "You're the one sounding like a grandpa now… But rest assured, she'll be fine."
"I was speaking about Elize AND you, ya know? You're getting all philosophical and wise, when I'm supposed to be the older and experienced one…"
"The power of youth? Or maybe it is just because you couldn't really live a normal childhood: you don't get to have time for yourself when you have to survive."
He hummed in response, lost in thoughts.
Elize's shouts inviting them for dinner again echoed through the plaza, as Driselle motioned for them to come. She turned to him, taking in his faraway look, his aura feeling totally different from his usual charismatic and confident self. She had taken her decision this morning, but the afternoon spent with him only confirmed it.
"Oh, and by the way? I'll go with you, if the offer still stands."
She said earnestly with a determined glint in her emerald gaze, her voice steady and serious.
She ran back toward the mansion, leaving him speechless once again. His heart fluttered for a second, taking in her brightness: she had still a strange demeanor sometimes, but he found pieces of what made Leia Leia: the cheerfulness and the sheer determination. They had still bridges to mend, links to reconnect, honest and transparent talks to have.
He had his chance, it was up to him to not mess this up.
But for now, he has his gratitude to express to their host, and his eagerness to begin this special journey to contain.