In the dark room, lit only by fairy lights and the stars on the ceiling, Tara and Gar danced. They swayed back and forth, shuffling their feet in a pattern neither of them quite knew. The way they were dancing wasn't important, after all. They were content just to be together, no matter what they were doing.
"How's this for a dance?" Gar grinned. "It's not exactly prom, but-"
"It's perfect," Tara reassured him. With a sigh, she leaned forward to rest her head on his shoulder. "Thank you."
"Yeah." He smiled down at her, running his hand lightly through her silky blond hair. "It's no big deal, really. I'd do a lot more for you."
When Tara looked up at him, tears shone in her ocean blue eyes. Tears he hadn't understood at the time, mistaking them for happiness instead of sorrow. For affection instead of the dread of what was to come.
Leaning forward, she kissed him, so softly and sweetly he knew he'd remember that night forever. But like all the others they shared, it wasn't long before the memory turned bittersweet.
Gar wakes up slowly. Why rush to return to his empty room and the aching hole in his chest? To the endless rain pouring down both outside his window and in his head?
But this morning is different. Today he awakens to cool jeans under his cheek and a gentle hand resting on his shoulder.
Gar's eyes flutter open. No, he's not still dreaming. He's definitely lying with his head in someone's lap. And when he cranes his neck to look, he can't quite believe his eyes.
It's Raven, of all people, who sleeps propped against the wall, head bowed and hair falling in front of her face, her hand resting on his shoulder. Her lips part slightly as she exhales quietly.
How does she do that? How does she find peace and control, the two things that have eluded Gar all his life? Especially now, when his world has shattered on the ground. He can't imagine what the inside of his skull must look like right now. He doesn't need to be an empath to know he's a mess.
And yet Raven stayed. She pulled the pain from him, despite the havok it must have caused in her mind and the crick she's totally going to have in her neck when she wakes up. She kept her promise.
Maybe he shouldn't be so shocked. Maybe he should have a little more faith in his teammate. But honestly… Gar'd always thought Raven didn't like him. That she only tolerated his presence. It's why he can't quite wrap his mind around it now that her actions say differently.
She could have decided to wait out the storm, could have let him push her away like the rest of the Titans. But instead she went miles out of her way to meet him in the dark hole he dug for himself.
When Gar closes his eyes, he can picture how she pulled his grief into herself, face creased in concentration. He can picture the single tear that rolled down her cheek, the first time he's ever seen her cry. She hurt herself to help him. Why, he has no clue. It's crazy. He's lying with his head in her lap, for goodness sake!
I've gotta be a real mess if she's letting me get this close. It's all he can think of, that he looks so torn apart that she's taking pity on him. Whatever the reason, he's grateful.
"Rae." She doesn't stir. "It's morning, sleepy-head." Gar can't help smirking. "And I think this is the first time I've ever been awake before you."
"It'll probably be the last," Raven mumbles, still half asleep but falling easily into the familiar pattern of their banter. She pulls away from the wall, straightens, and immediately winces. Yup. Crick in the neck. Blinking against the light from the window, her careful gaze scans Gar's face. Searching for the cracks.
"Are you okay?"
The world roars back to life around Garfield, the pictures and memories he's desperate to forget flooding in.
"No." He closes his eyes.
Raven lifts her hand from his shoulder. A pang shoots through Gar's chest. Time's up. She's going to leave now, but he really shouldn't be surprised. He is surprised she stayed this long though, that she answered a request he had no right to make. What was he thinking, anyway, asking the team empath to keep his chaotic mind company?
Gar's about to sit up and let her go, and he knows she's thinking the same thing, when he senses her hesitate. And instead of pushing his head from her lap, she pushes his hair back from his face.
As her cool fingers brush his forehead, Gar means to hold still, to listen to the part of him that's afraid moving will make her stop. But the other side of him is so much stronger. It's the part that needs to be reassured and held no matter who's giving it, the part that's been touch-starved by the hours locked alone in his room.
So Gar forgets who's reassuring him and curls into it, seeking out more touch, more comfort. He presses his forehead into Raven's side, letting her crisp cold wash away the muggy heat of his room.
Until he realizes what he's doing. Never, in a million years, would Raven let him get this close. He's totally making her uncomfortable.
You screwed up, you screwed, now she's definitely going to leave.
But Raven doesn't push him away. She stiffens, yeah, and she hesitates. Then she continues to stroke his hair. Her movements are awkward and unpracticed (he knows this is way outside her comfort zone), but there's genuine care behind them. Gar tries not to purr when her fingernails scratch against his scalp in a way all the animal in him likes.
But it only takes a few seconds for reality to set in. Gar can't ignore it any longer. Raven might be willing to stay and keep him company, but she can't.
She has to go meditate so she can recharge. She's told the team over and over that it's not optional, and despite her incredible mental strength, Gar can feel the strain seeping in. The struggle to keep her mind level and calm after last night's onslaught of emotions reflects in the tight control of her movements. She has to leave, and he can't ask her to come back. Not after how much she's given of herself just to be here.
Not when he isn't sure if he's even worth the effort.
"You should probably go." Gar rolls off her lap.
Raven watches him for a moment, surprise altering her neutral expression and lifting her eyebrows a fraction. Does she think he doesn't know how much of a toll her powers take on her? Maybe not. He doesn't exactly act like he's paying attention most of the time.
Raven's mask falls back into place and she nods, rising from the bed. Gar looks away as she walks toward the door, unable to watch her go but too scared to admit he doesn't want to be alone. Too ashamed to ask her to send Vic in. He'd never look at Gar the same way after seeing him like this.
Garfield hears the door swing open, but it doesn't shut. He glances over to see Raven standing with her hand on the doorknob and studying him. Her eyes soften when he meets them, just the smallest bit.
"You're not alone, Gar."
Then she's gone.
Gar stares at the closed door. You're not alone. Just like he told her so long ago, back when they were still kids. Before their lives got so complicated and tragic.
What did he know then?
Garfield stays in his room all day. Despite the stubborn pessimist that she is, Raven hoped he'd reach out if given a little more time and space. That he would let his friends and teammates help instead of locking them out.
Apparently, she should have stuck with pessimism.
Raven has been reading the same line over and over when Victor flops onto the other end of the couch. She doesn't need to ask where he was.
"This won't last forever." She lowers her book to give Victor her best attempt at an encouraging and understanding expression. "He'll come around."
Vic doesn't even look at her. The frustration in his voice isn't quite able to mask the pain. "You sure?"
Raven doesn't have an answer.
It's not her place and maybe it won't change anything, but by the time night falls she can't stand by any longer. If he won't come out, then she'll come to him.
Raven steps into Garfield's room, edging around the pile of dirty laundry. "Victor misses you."
They all do.
He's lying in the same position as last time, on his side with his back to the door. Watching the rain that never seems to end. "I think I've figured it out."
Though he can't see her do it, Raven lifts an eyebrow. "Figured what out?"
"Why you like to be alone. Why you like the quiet. It numbs the pain doesn't it? Calms the storm inside." He crosses his arms and pulls his knees to his chest. "It makes it easier not to care. It's safer that way, isn't it?
Raven's skin goes cold. But this time, it's not because of her powers. It's fear for Garfield and the way he's talking. "This isn't about me. And everything you just said? That's not you."
Gar rolls onto his back, cloudy eyes drifting to her face. "I just wanted to say I get it now. I'm sorry I didn't before."
This is not a time to freeze up, or wonder why in the world Gar chose to talk to the one person in the tower who is least equipped to help him. This is not a time to wish she'd learned something other than control and magic from Azar, such as how to interact properly with others. No, this is a time for action. To do something, to say something to help her friend. And maybe it won't help. But Victor's words echo in her mind.
Will it hurt?
Gar blinks, jaw falling open as Raven kneels beside the bed and lays her head on her arms, tilting it sideways so that she can meet his wide green eyes from the same angle. She needs to be on his level. See things from his perspective, both literally and figuratively.
"Quiet keeps the pain from getting worse. Solitude protects others from the storm." She shakes her head. "But neither makes it better."
Gar has never been this close to Raven before. Even when his head was in her lap she was still "up there," her face a good two feet away from his. There's always been a distance between them, both physically and emotionally, one that he could never figure out how to cross.
But now they're equal, literally seeing eye to eye. Maybe that's why Gar finds traces of... of feeling on the face he's always thought battled Cinderblock's for the title of stoniest. Or maybe the traces were always there. Maybe he just didn't understand them until now. That's true of a lot of things, actually.
He never thought of Raven's distance as protection, both for herself and for her friends. But betrayal and loss really change a guy's perspective on the world. So does a walk in his teammate's shadowy shoes and even darker mind. Not that he'd ever tell her he could feel her emotions just as well as she could his when she used her powers to lessen the pain. She'd be mortified.
"I know it's the last thing you want right now."
Garfield's attention flicks back to Rae, noticing the lavender color of her eyes as she speaks.
"But come downstairs. Please." She drops her gaze, almost… embarrassed?
"Your friends miss you. They need you."
Need… him? Gar can't recall anyone ever saying they needed him. During a mission, sure, "Beast Boy, we need you to turn into a dinosaur," but that's Beast Boy. No one has ever needed Garfield.
He lowers his ears. "You need me?"
"Yes. We're not a team without you."
We. She's saying we now. And he thought she'd prefer the team without him. Guess I was wrong about a lot of things.
Raven's voice drops, and Gar knows what she's about to tell him is important.
"What you said before, about not caring… I'm not supposed to care. It was the one rule I made when I joined the Titans, to protect myself and the others." She tenses her jaw. "If I didn't care, there would be fewer emotions to keep under control. And it wouldn't hurt when the team told me to leave after they found out what I really was."
As if we'd ever let you leave.
"Yeah. I understand that now." Gar swallows past the lump in his throat. "It's pretty smart, even though we'd never do that to you." If I hadn't cared about Tara, then I wouldn't be hurting like this. My heart wouldn't be shattered on the ground.
"No." Raven shakes her head, frustration seeping into her voice. "No, it isn't. That's not what I'm saying."
Gar scrunches up his nose, baffled, and she sighs.
"I'm not explaining this right. Garfield…" Her expression softens, and the mask falls away from her face. Completely and entirely. And for the first time, Garfield sees Raven, really sees her. No walls. No sarcasm or deflection. Just Raven, real and complete.
"I do care," she confesses. "About you, Koriand'r, Victor, and Richard." She looks away. "I care a lot. When it comes to the team, I've found it's impossible not to." Her brow furrows. "That means I'm going to get hurt someday, one way or the other. Something terrible will happen, or someone will walk away from the team, and I'll feel like the world is ending."
Just like I do right now.
"But it's a price I'm willing to pay for my friendships."
Raven pauses. Then she speaks slowly, as if realizing how she truly feels for the first time. "They're worth it."
Garfield's mind whirls, set afloat in a strange new dimension where Raven makes eloquent speeches and shares heartfelt secrets. Where she cares about even him.
"You don't hate me." To Gar's complete embarrassment, his voice cracks and the waterworks start. "I-I really thought-"
Raven's eyes widen in complete horror. "Hate you? No! You… actually thought that?"
"You told…" Gar can't say her name, images of blood soaked bandages flashing before his eyes. His hands tremble as he clears his throat and forces himself to continue. "Y-you said you used to."
Raven falls silent. He can almost see her working through her thoughts. He had no idea how much went on behind her blank expression.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Sometimes I've been annoyed or irritated by you, especially during the first year. But I've never hated you." She blinks and glances away. "It's, um… kind of impossible, actually."
For a moment, Gar forgets that Raven is Queen of No-Hugs and throws his arms around her neck. But this alternate dimension just gets stranger when she awkwardly pats him on the back in return.
Outside, the skies open up with a loud crash as the storm that the constant rain's been threatening to bring all week finally breaks. Raindrops pound against the window in a steady rhythm while low thunder rumbles in the background. It sounds good. It feels like a release.
"I'm not going to lie."
Gar lets go and pulls back, watching Raven's face as she exhales.
"It will be hard at first. You'll feel like you're faking it every time you do something that makes you happy. But the joy will come back."
"How do you know?" I want to hope, Rae. I want to so badly.
"Because you're Gar." She says it with finality, like that's her whole answer. No hard logic or practical attempts to convince him. Just faith that he'll come out alright because of who he is. Faith in him. "You're stronger than you know."
"Okay." Garfield watches relief flood her eyes. She… she really was worried about him. "I'll try."
Five minutes later, Gar slips into the living room behind Raven, feeling oddly shy and self-conscious in his own home. But that only lasts the few seconds it takes for Kori to spot him.
"Garfield!" She flies straight at him like a rocket, stopping only inches short of running into him. Her eyes shine with unshed tears and she stretches out her arms. "May I give you a hug, please?"
"Why not?" Gar shrugs, blinking to hide his own tears. For once, he doesn't mind how bone-crushing all Starfire's hugs are. It's never felt so good to have someone so happy to see him again. He's never missed his friends this much.
The sound of Kori's excitement brings Victor rushing in, Dick close at his heels.
A relieved grin splits the cyborg's face. "BB," he says quietly, holding out his fist. His soft brown eyes search Garfield's face, still lined with concern.
With a start, Gar realizes how much he scared him.
"Cy." He taps Vic's fist with his own. "I'm… I'm sorry, dude."
Stepping forward, Vic wraps him in a bear hug. "Man, don't you dare apologize." Is that… a sniffle Gar hears? "I've missed you, buddy."
"Yeah," Gar whispers into his best friend's sweatshirt. "Me too, bro."
After Vic releases Gar, Dick steps forward and wraps an arm around his shoulder, pulling him into a brief but sincere hug. "Good to have you back, Gar. Whatever you need, just ask. We're behind you no matter what."
Gar's heart still throbs. The pain is still there. He has a feeling it will be for a long time. But as his gaze drifts from friend to friend, from teammate to teammate, he knows he'll be okay.
His eyes land on Raven. The slightest corner of her mouth turns up and she nods, reminding him that he's not alone. He never has been.