Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210. None to Fighter written by Christina Aguilera and Scott Storch, produced by Scott Storch, and performed by Christina Aguilera.
Chapter Four: Fighter
I missed my Dylan everyday and worried about him constantly, but I couldn't bring myself to reach out to him, I didn't even know if I could. After he continued to lie to me in the backyard I didn't know if my Dylan even existed. Perhaps he was a figment of my imagination, or was he a character that he had played. Was he ever real? If he had been real, when had he stopped? When did he decide lying to me was better than the truth?When had he stopped seeing me as the only one he trusted? If he wanted her had he stop wanting me? Had his moodiness over the last month been tests I had been failing? Was he doing his own comparison exercise, trying to decide which one was the better girlfriend, like we were choices on a menu?
My thoughts were going crazy. I had so many questions but had no one to ask. Dylan had proven to me that I wouldn't get a straight answer from him, and Kelly, well I had no desire to engage in that conversation. We weren't equals in this. Her side had no bearing. There was no justification she could give that would ever make her actions okay. I've always liked him, he came on to me, I thought you guys were over, I tried to stop, I stepped back when you came home- returning him to you. Yep, I could imagine all her wonderful excuses now, they would be a mix of her being the martyr, a healthy dose of entitlement, and finally a bit of the victim thrown in. None of them would cover the simple fact that she had made a choice. She chose the possibility of a guy who had rejected her multiple times over her best friend. I'd rather go crazy with the not knowing, than listen to that self serving narrative.
After leaving him in the garden, it had taken my mum telling him to go home before he left. Though he came back Friday, Saturday and Sunday, each time a little more erratic, and each time being immediately sent home by my Dad. When I arrived at school, he was waiting by my locker. I didn't engage. He had had the chance to be honest, to show me a slither of respect, respect for what I thought we had, but his continued attempts to deceive had left me numb and unwilling to participate in any further communication. Camille was right, if I allowed him back in even as a friend he would think that this would be okay. That he could pick me up and put me down whenever he wanted, like a toy to be played with. No if he wasn't going to treat me with respect then I would for the both of us.
Today was a day I planned to avoid everyone. I'd spend the time between classes catching up on the work I missed. Dad had come back on Thursday not long after Dylan left. The label wanted to meet immediately. So on Friday morning instead of attending school Dad, an entertainment lawyer that a co-worker of his had recommended, and I, sat in the labels office. I didn't walk out with an album deal or promises of stardom but I never imagined I would. They had offered to fund a demo, two more singles. If they liked what they heard they had release rights, and if they charted they had option rights for an album to be completed in twelve months. It was a good deal, and while they offered a signing bonus, the lawyer Dad organised had advised against it. Instead I would take a larger percentage of any potential back end profits, along with maintaining ownership to all my own songs. Essentially, I would make nothing unless the label liked my demo enough to release, and even then those songs had to be well received before I would see any money. It was stressful as I would have a month to submit two singles to the label, and before I could do that, I would need to find some musicians who I felt comfortable to record with. Camille was going to help, before she and David would have to leave town to drum up some hype for his upcoming US releases.
After school today I would be back in the studio to finalise the mix with David for our song. Every day from Vegas him and Camille had rang to check on me. While I hadn't wanted to talk about Dylan, it hurt too much, we had instead discussed their trip, David's nightly performances, and what they were convinced was my emerging music career. David had been listening to our recording, and each day he had given a new update on how he wanted to fill out the sound. These changes meant my vocals may need to be laid again. I was looking forward to being back in the studio. Making music was the only time since getting off the phone last Monday with Iris, that I had found a focus great enough to pull me out of my Dylan brain. This afternoon would hopefully provide me with the same escape, but I had to get through today first. Since leaving Dylan to continue to plead his case to my locker instead of my back, I had moved to check in at the student centre and see what tasks I could help with today. I was lucky being one of the only senior student volunteers, meaning my absence at the end of last week had left some minor tasks too accumulate. Providing me another way to avoid the gang.
It took till period four that I was unable to successfully get past Donna and David. Donna had called over the weekend to check on me, thinking I had been sick on Thursday and Friday. Each time she rang mum had taken a message. I hadn't returned any of those calls. I wasn't ready to hear how many of them knew of this deception, see any more of my relationships crumble before my eyes.
As they approached I had been talking to a girl from my last class who had been kind enough to offer me her notes to copy during my study period. As I had turned to move away, Donna stepped in front of me. "Bren where have you been?"
With a weak smile I greeted them both. "Hey Donna, hi David."
Not having gained an answer to her question Donna tried again. "Bren what's going on? Are you okay?"
Not knowing how to get out of this I simply went for the truth. "No, Dylan and I broke up."
Shocked she responded. "What? When?"
Having to think that one through, "Thursday, I guess it became official to Dylan but we were over on Wednesday night."
"Well that explains his distraction on Thursday, and why he skipped out on Friday after period one. Bren I'm so sorry. You should have called, Kel and I could have come over to support you."
At that David looked down. He had been avoiding my eyes since I mentioned Wednesday. Not willing to accept any more lies, I directed my question to David. "Would you like to tell your girlfriend why I didn't call Kelly to come over?"
At that he looked up with a clear look of discomfort on his face. "Brenda…" he stopped there not knowing what to say.
Donna hated being left out and looked at her boyfriend. "David what's going on?"
Trapped with both of us waiting for a response, he was forced to reply. "Over the summer Kelly and Dylan hung out."
Great, another person unwilling to just be honest. I should probably feel bad for making David say it, but if he was going to play a role in hiding it, at least he could do was own it when the jig was up. "Yes, because I'd breakup with my boyfriend over a friendship. David?"
Sighing he looked at Donna, I hoped because he was ashamed for making me push him for the truth. "They were seeing each other while you guys were in Paris."
Donna looked back at me, genuinely shocked by what she heard. "Oh Bren I'm sorry." If she had ended it there I would have been okay but she didn't. "I'm sure Kel didn't mean for it to happen."
Surprisingly, I wasn't surprised to hear Donna immediately make excuses for Kelly. I guess being friends since preschool, even if that friendship had not always been evenly returned, meant more than ours. Looking her in the eye, and with coldness in my voice I responded. "I'm sure it was an accident. An accident she just kept repeating over, and over again." With that I turned and made my way to study hall.
I managed to avoid everyone else for the rest of the day, by simply tuning the world out. I paid attention in class but couldn't bring myself to register anything else. Donna's response had made it evident that Kelly would not be held accountable in anyway. Steve still adored her, so he was never going to, and David had obviously supported her, and was continuing to do so, even in his sad attempt to perpetuate the lie and try and keep me in the dark. Andrea I didn't know about but I'm sure like Bran, who had taken to pushing me to hear Dylan out, she too would try and be neutral.
Figuring out how to get to the studio after school had been a bit of a challenge. Mum had needed her car, and I hadn't yet told Brandon about my singing. On getting home from the Pit on Thursday night he had wanted to hear about Dylan and I. When I couldn't answer his questions of when, how and why had it started, or if and when it ended, he became adamant I needed to talk to Dylan or Kelly. He felt I owed it to myself, and both of them to find out the truth. He was being a reporter rather than my brother. He didn't buy that there would be no excuse they could offer that would make me feel even marginally better. He was being stubborn in his belief that he was right. I had walked away from my twin that night for the first time feeling unseen. And ever since, any conversation we had, resulted in the same outcome. In his desire to push me to "face it head on, with all the facts", he had even stooped so low as to goad me on Sunday. "Don't you at least want to know if they slept together?"
It had been a question I didn't know the answer to, and honestly I had come to the decision I didn't want to know if it had happened. If he did I'd feel dirty having slept with him multiple times since returning from Paris, I would feel like something so treasured by both of us had become cheap. If he didn't then they either consciously drew that line in the sand, maybe even congratulating themselves for showing such restraint in the face of their desire, I imagine out of what they would assume would be some loyalty to me. If that was the case it was a hollow gesture, for any real loyalty would have meant they wouldn't have been in that position in the first place. Or maybe they hadn't even considered sleeping together. The last one would be a comfort but then it raised the question of why he would choose to hurt me this way if it wasn't about desire or her being special. Either way, no Brandon I didn't want to know, the truth had the power to shred what was left of my faith in people. It had the power to shred any belief that I still held onto that at one stage we had been real, that the man I had considered and unfortunately still considered my other half had loved me.
Brandon's reporter tendencies, or maybe his belief that the truth would help restore normalcy, had meant I hadn't wanted to be even more vulnerable and share with him my singing. Leaving me with no ride to the studio after school. When I told Camille on Sunday that I'd arrange a cab from school, she had offered to come and collect me in their rental. I gratefully accepted. I wasn't though counting on the gang being in a heated conversation near the carpark when she arrived. One that had started by me simply walking out of school to wait for her.
By the time Camille had pulled up I was standing in the midst of the gang. Dylan was repeatedly asking me to please talk to him. Steve obviously annoyed at Dylan was mouthing off, claiming it served him right that I didn't want to have anything to do with him- after what he had done to Kelly and I. Brandon was once again being 'supportive' and advising me to at least hear them out. Andrea and Donna were asking everyone to calm down. And Kelly was crying in David's arms, sprouting off apologies for the connection she and Dylan had always tried to fight. Seeing me stranded in the midst of this drama not saying a word but being unintentionally blocked from getting away, Camille got out of the car to rescue me.
Pushing passed the madness she made her way to my side. "Brenda, tu vas bien?"
I sighed in relief. "Oh Dieu merci. Je vais bien mais pouvons-nous y aller s'il vous plait?"
With a supportive smile Camille reached out and put her arm around my shoulder. "Bien sûr ma chère."
Majority of the gang were baffled by the exchange, enough to finally stop talking over each other. Even Donna whose conversational French was good, but still required concentration hadn't quite kept up. Dylan with his fluency wasn't deterred. "Brenda qui est-ce? S'il vous plaît, ne partez pas." He steps closer to me. "Bébé laisse-moi juste t'expliquer." Reaching out he takes my hand.
Like his hand was contaminated I instantly pulled mine back, "Don't!"
Everyone froze. Shocked. I imagine because for the last nearly two years when we were close we couldn't not touch each other, now it had been instinct to pull away. He was finally quiet, looking at me confused like his world didn't make sense. Join the club Dylan mine had stopped making sense a week ago.
With the madness stopped Camille led me away, trying to lighten the mood she states, "Brenda we should hurry, he'll be a nightmare if we keep him waiting too long."
The studio had been exactly what I needed, it had also given me an opportunity to meet AJ and Chris. David had hired them to work on our recording, having met Chris in Vegas. Chris was a drummer and would help lay the ballad version, Track B on the single. AJ was Chris's mate, and had been brought on for his violin skills, a sound that would fill out the final thirty seconds of the dance version and would feature heavily in Track B. He was also a talented pianist, and from what I could gather was able to play a few other instruments. He blamed his parents who had insisted on classical training since he was barely old enough to walk. He had begun with the piano, and from there he expanded his range with every child milestone. He jokingly blamed his Tiger Mum for the musical skill, but watching him go into a trance when he played, I imagine his mum had simply plonked her son onto destiny's chosen path. After a few hours of collaborating with them, I had asked both of them to help work on my demo. The next day Paul a base guitarist AJ knew would audition for me. Together, these three guys and Ray, a musician who we would befriend from our constant hours in the studio, would become brothers to me. They would keep any shred of faith alive in me, that not all men lie.
By Thursday afternoon, I was back in the studio with them laying the song I had written over the weekend. David was producing this one, trying to mentor me through the process so that I knew what to ask for in the next track. He was due back in Vegas the following week, and then had to fly to Chicago and New York. The label was trying to get his name out there before we released our finished single. In a matter of days my life had become a mad rush of school, music, meetings and study. Being so self-conscious to put myself out there had resulted in a number of marketing meetings with Dad and my lawyer, Camille had been an angel throughout it all. She had seen how hesitant and shy I was about my voice in Paris, and knew with all the turmoil of the last two weeks I was becoming even more hesitant to trust. Her solution a stage name and a marketing campaign built around the mystery of the voice. With my musical journey still in its' infancy I had yet to determine my style- my sound, she sold the label on this being perfect for feeding the mystery. They agreed, and with the growing market in CD singles felt that the mystery could feed a fantastic and unique promotional campaign that could transcend usual demographics, allowing for a larger audience. If the first two singles went well, they were considering drip feeding the album release through regular single drops over the next seven months. Then if all went to plan the last singles would then be held back to boost sales for a start of summer album release. It was a good plan, if for no other reason it allowed me to enjoy my last year of high school in anonymity. From that meeting on, everyone was on NDA's and my after school life became a potential important financial secret, one that you could get sued if you broke.
It wasn't until two weeks after the carpark scene that Kelly had lashed out at my silence of her. She had attempted after a few days to explain her side, and reach out using different members of the gang as a buffer, but she had failed each time. It wasn't even that I was angry at her or was going out of my way to punish her with the silent treatment. I just didn't have energy for her. There was no part of me that missed her, the friend I thought she was, didn't exist. She was still the girl who left me at the beach with no way home, like she had done in sophomore year. I was actually thankful that I learnt that now. If she was still that selfish and jealous girl from back then, I could only imagine what I would have eventually lost if I hadn't learnt this now.
Dylan rang Thursday morning before school, to warn me off from telling anyone about us, or what had happened the night before. I knew he didn't want to hurt Brenda, they had gone out along time and he felt a loyalty to her, but I hoped he was no longer in love with her. We had really connected over the summer, and I had liked being in his world I wanted to return to that place. Brenda had found out, and while I was hoping they would end naturally on her return, with him realising I was the better choice, I didn't want to be the cause of their separation. I had worked hard to change my reputation and I didn't want to be seen as a boyfriend stealer.
On arriving at school, I kept my head down wanting to avoid the gang, not knowing what Brenda had told them since her arrival. Though, throughout the day it became obvious she wasn't there, and hadn't told Brandon anything. Maybe she had only run off the night before because Dylan was touching my cheek, and not because she heard anything we had said. I was a little disappointed. I didn't want to be known as a boyfriend stealer but I wanted my summer romance back. Seeing them together had been so hard, and I knew Dylan and I could be so good together.
At lunch the gang was sitting together on the grass, as usual chatting and joking around. When Dylan approached I smiled up at him, hoping he would take this opportunity without Brenda here to sit next to me. It had been ages since we had spent time together, and if it wasn't for me finding ways to catch him alone I don't think we would have since Brenda's return. His loyalty to her was sweet and I knew he struggled letting her go because of that. Dylan unfortunately didn't catch my eyes, and instead was looking directly at Brandon. "Jones, have you seen her?"
"No D. She probably decided to spend the day at home."
Looking over at his car, he turned back to Brandon. "Okay B, I'm going to head out then. Will I see you at your house later?"
Brandon gave him a head nod, I guess to acknowledge his plan to go to his house. "No, Nat needs me straight after school."
With that Dylan walked away. Though the last I saw of him before leaving for class, was him chatting to Mrs T. I get his loyalty to Brenda, they had been together a while, and I get him wanting to find out what she knew, but would it have hurt for him to acknowledge me in someway? Men.
I had tried calling him that night but he didn't answer, so it wasn't till school the next day that I finally got some understanding of what was going on. When I saw him arrive I approached his car. "Dylan, you didn't call me back last night?"
Stepping out of the car he looked around searching for something. "Not now Kel."
Frustrated at being blown off I became a little demanding. "Yes now Dylan. What is going on? Did you speak to her? What does she know?"
Breathing deeply he ran his hand through his hair. "I think everything." He then began to scan the carpark once again. "Have you seen Brandon's car? I need to see Bren, she wouldn't let me explain yesterday, and I need to sort this out."
Confused I looked at him. "What do you mean sort this out? You still want to keep seeing her?" His loyalty was becoming frustrating. Seriously, they can still be friends, it's what they were now anyway. I had seen it, they didn't have the connection he and I did.
At that Dylan looked at me for the first time, with a strange look on his face. "Kelly, of course I'm still with Bren. I thought you understood. Look we had a fun time and you're a good friend, but Bren's my family. I need to make this right with her."
Seriously, I get his loyalty to the Walshes, I mean apart from the end of last year he was practically adopted by them. He didn't need to be with Brenda though. "Dylan, we have something special, I know you felt it?"
A couple of spot's down Brandon pulls in alone. Spotting him, Dylan leans over to the half seat in the back of the Porsche, and after grabbing his books moves away. It pissed me off that he just left me, but I understood, Brandon was a brother to him, he would want to make sure they were alright.
I didn't see him for the rest of the day and Brandon had avoided us all. After lunch I had bumped into Andrea and she had asked if I knew what was going on, as Brandon had worked through lunch and had been biting everyone's head off at the paper. Brushing it off as probably senior stress, I moved away.
It wasn't till the Monday that the gang found out about Dylan and I. He still was avoiding my calls and after leaving a message on Friday and Saturday, I decided to leave it. He obviously needed space to get over Brenda and him, and in all fairness I thought that would be a good idea. I didn't want him on the rebound. I could give him space to sort through his emotions. Having not spoken to him, it wasn't till David met me at my locker at the start of lunch, and told me about his run in with Brenda, that I knew it was now being talked about. With his support and encouragement, I made my way over to the gang's usual lunch spot. He felt I couldn't avoid them all forever. To say it was uncomfortable was an understatement. Brandon and Andrea looked at me like I had disappointed them, Donna avoided eye contact, and Steve looked devastated. I didn't know what to say but David encouraged me to sit down. The rest of lunch was spent listening to awkward conversation between him and Donna. Dylan never showed up.
From what I could gather Brenda had avoided everyone all day, but she lost that battle when she was leaving school. I had finally caught up with Dylan for the first time and wanted to see how he was doing. I'm sure he was feeling pretty worried about losing Brandon and the Walshes, though I am sure they would forgive us. It wasn't like we meant for the summer to happen. Trying to be soothing and carry as much concern as I could in my voice, I spoke to him for the first time since last Friday morning. "Dylan, I haven't seen you all day, are you okay?" Though once again he didn't get a chance to answer as my timing was off, and Brenda walked out of the building. Moving over to her, he began trying to get her to talk to him. It wasn't till Steve approached, then Donna and David, and finally Andrea and Brandon that it all got so crazy. By that stage I was crying to David. I mean this isn't what I wanted, Dylan and I didn't plan on hurting anyone we just couldn't fight it.
It wasn't till a random woman interrupted us and began speaking in French that it all finally settled down. Though when Brenda was led away by her, Dylan stormed off. Obviously he was trying to do the right thing and end on good terms, I just didn't understand why Brenda was being so stubborn.
The gang remained disjointed for the rest of the week. Most days we sat together at lunch but the conversation was a little off and I was feeling judged. Dylan had stopped sitting with us and had instead taken to reading on the ledge near the student centre, where Brenda spent most of her spare time. It took till Friday that I finally lost my patience with Dylan's need to make sure Brenda was okay. They were obviously over and I wanted to know where we stood now.
Approaching him at his locker at the end of the school day, I was a little fed up with the cold shoulder I was receiving. This led me to bite out at him a little too heatedly. "Dylan. Are you finally ready to talk? I mean this has been hard on me, and you haven't once tried to make sure that I was okay."
Turning from his open locker he looked at me. "Sorry, it's been hard on you? Kelly do you have any idea what I have lost? What I've done to Brenda?"
Feeling bad for my harshness I tried to dial down my anger. "I get it okay. The Walshes are important to you, and I'm sure with Brenda not talking to you, its not helping you figure out where you stand. But Dylan this is effecting me as well. It would have been nice if you could have checked in on me. Everyone is being weird with me, they don't understand that we didn't mean for this to happen. If they could at least see us together, see what we are like, I am sure they would get our connection."
Dylan looked back at his locker, took a book out and shut the door. He then turned to face me. "Kel. We had a nice summer. It was fun hanging out, and I needed the lightness. I was going crazy after the end of last year and with Bren away, it got difficult. But you know that's all it was, right?"
It was like someone had poured cold water over me, I was horrified and feeling a little shaky. "Dylan, what do you mean? The summer was great, we were so good together, we get each other."
Looking down he pauses, as if he was trying to figure out what to say. I hope he is taking that time to remember what we were like. He eventually looks up. "Kelly. I'm sorry okay. I didn't mean for it to get so far, to go on for so long. That wasn't fair to you." Breathing out he tilts his head in that Dylan way. "You know you are great, and any guy would be lucky to have you, but Bren is it for me… I'm sorry it was a distraction that went too far."
"What do you mean too far?"
"Look when Bren left I thought we could hang out. We both seemed like we could use the company, but we shouldn't have got physical, that wasn't fair to Bren."
"Not fair to Bren?! What so you were using me? Like a placeholder."
"Come on Kel, it's not like that. We had fun, we were friends, but yeah I shouldn't have let it go so far." Sighing he started back up again. "Look, I know we didn't sleep together but being physical at all wasn't okay. I just wasn't thinking straight." He pauses. "You were, are a great friend." At that he awkwardly stepped back and said. "I gotta go. See you around."
I was devastated. I didn't know if he was in denial, afraid of moving on past Brenda or if he actually felt that way. But if it was the latter then I just ruined a friendship over nothing. David counselled me over the weekend advising me to give Dylan space. He wasn't a guy that liked to be pushed, he would figure it out when he was ready. He told Donna how down I was, and so on Sunday she came over. She was disappointed in me and felt that I needed to make it right with Brenda. She believed that if she could forgive David and Nikki for their summer fling, then Brenda could forgive me as well, but it may take a while. First though I needed to start with an apology.
In between classes on Monday, I approached her at her locker. She walked away without saying a word. Tuesday I took Donna with me, hoping that she could help get Brenda to stay around long enough to hear me out. With a simple "Hi Donna" she walked away. Wednesday I waited by the carpark with Steve, hoping that if we all walked in to school together she would have to at least hear me out for the length of the walk. But Brenda took that opportunity to engage Steve in conversation. Considering it was the longest she had spoken to any of the gang in two weeks, Steve forgot about my plan. Preferring to take the opportunity to get Bren to be comfortable around him again. He hated when the gang was at odds.
By Thursday I was frustrated, and even asked Brandon for help. While he wasn't speaking to me a lot, he had a desire to help his sister get the truth and get closure. He felt it was important, so when I told him I wanted to apologise and explain myself he arranged for her to meet him at lunch. Twins catchup he had called it. I was to arrive a few minutes after she had sat down. All was going to plan until I turned up, and she caught on that Brandon had set it up. She looked at Brandon at that point and coldly said, "You're my brother, my twin, you were supposed to have my back." At that she gave him a look of disappointment and walked away. He was quiet after that, and a few minutes later took off.
On Friday at lunch I tried again, she was walking through the quad on the way to the student centre. When she kept walking and wouldn't even stop to hear me, I called her out for it. She had spent two weeks ignoring us all on campus, it was time she got over it. "Brenda! Enough already, when are you going to at least hear me out? Don't you think it's time to stop this quiet sad routine?" My loudness had attracted others and everyone around us went quiet.
Turning she looked at me, she didn't raise her voice but she was firm. "Kelly, you spent the first four weeks of this semester walking around devastated over the fact my boyfriend was still with me after your summer together. Now you are saying that after two weeks I should just get over the last two years… you are truly an amazingly selfish creature." Shaking her head she turned away.
I never handled being called out for my behaviour, and her doing it in front of others made my frustration grow. "Brenda as if you are perfect. I mean where we you when I needed support dealing with the wedding, oh that's right running down to Baja with me having your back." She stopped moving at that stage but didn't turn around. "Where were you when I needed my best friend after Jake- too caught in your own drama to be with me. You aren't perfect either, at least I am trying to say I am sorry which is more than you ever did." Realising this wasn't turning out how I wanted I stopped yelling. "It was an accident okay, I didn't plan it. We just hung out and it became obvious we had chemistry, I tried to fight it, but when you were coming back from Paris I told him I couldn't anymore, you are my best friend."
She turned around at that. "Kelly, best friends don't backstab, they don't make lists of all your failures as a friend, and they don't steal your boyfriend." Looking at me she took a step closer. "Stop now. Stop trying to talk to me. There is nothing you can say. Your actions have said it all." She pauses but before I can respond she calmly states, without even a hint of malice or hurt. It was like she was talking to a stranger. "There is no trust here, you can't make this right, and yelling and blaming me is certainly not helping. I'm walking away from you and this friendship. I've had enough."