Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210. None to Happy Ending written and performed by Michael Holbrook Penniman Jr., produced by Greg Wells... Imagine female vocals.
Chapter Five: Happy Ending
It had been his birthday and I hadn't celebrated it with him. I had planned to get him a cake covered in surfboards or little Porsche's- I had yet to decide on the decorations, and I had wanted to have a little celebration with all our friends. Nothing big as he would have hated that. I had wanted to give him an 18th birthday that he would remember. Instead I stayed home. Brandon had mentioned that Nat had given him a slice of pie with a candle on it. He had also said that he was sick, and that he had celebrated alone. Like me he was avoiding everyone.
My twin was still trying to get me to talk to him, to hear him out. Though Brandon had moved from pushing the issue for my own well-being, and now was doing it because of Dylan's. He was in a bad way. I could tell from seeing him daily outside the student centre, where he sat reading through lunch. He was starting to look a little disheveled and thinner, but most shocking was his glow. He had always seemed to glow to me. His smile could light up a room, and when he was content he shone. He no longer had that. He was back carrying the darkness, the one that had surrounded him when we had first arrived sophomore year. Back when he had been a name, a reputation, someone unknown to me.
I was worried but I felt I couldn't save him this time, I was barely keeping hold of myself. I had toyed with the idea of calling Ben. If I did that though, would I be taking his power away? He had denied me mine, when on my return from Paris he hadn't told me about his summer, taking away my right to choose whether or not to stay with him. It was a forced impotence that had left a scar. Reaching out to Ben without even knowing if Dylan had already, would that be taking away his power to work his own program. As hurt as I was I couldn't overpower Dylan's choice. If he had reached out to Ben he could already be getting support, or if he hadn't maybe he was building up the courage too. Either way I had to believe that Dylan could manage this. Brandon was adamant that he couldn't. From attending AA and talking to Ben I knew Dylan sobriety had to be his choice. If he was only doing it for me it would never stick.
Missing his birthday hurt though. It reinforced to me all the other milestones we would miss. I never saw him as a high school boyfriend, it had never been that. We were each other's confidants we supported one another. From my failed attempts in sales, my desire to design a school float, or to his recovery, we had always championed the other in what ever minor or major life events were occurring. We had been lovers for eighteen months- we knew each other intimately, but it was more than just a physical relationship. We enjoyed sharing ideas, reading to each other, listening to music, watching films, we liked having meals together, being playful, flirting, but above all, we had liked having the other close by. My self-described Loner had spent most every night with me, since we had got back together at the start of junior year; if I wasn't at his place then he was at mine. His presence was soothing to me it grounded me in a way I had never known, and I assumed I did the same for him. We were more than high school sweethearts we were a unit, partners. And, while we had mostly stuck to the deal we had made in Palm Springs, never talking about the future openly, taking it one day at a time. We both in our subtle way failed at it.
Dylan would grumble about having to get out of bed to take me home before curfew. Often proclaiming as he got dressed that he would be glad when I'd be staying there each night for the whole night. Laying in the bed in Baja listening to the waves, he had talked about one day getting a house down there on the beach. At first I thought he was referring to just him but he had added that we could then spend months down there at a time. Kids had been an interesting one. He knew one day I wanted them. After the pregnancy scare we had discussed the pill again after we had been back together a couple of months. It had been one of those rare rainy days in L.A. and we had decided to spend it in Dylan's room. I was the one to bring it up while he had quietly laid there playing with some strands of my hair. He listened to my concerns about the potential side effects, and my fear of it not being 100% effective. He had responded by pulling me closer and saying nothing was, but when it happened either by surprise or plan we would be okay. We rarely openly broke our promise but we both had assumed that we were in this for the long haul.
A week before Dylan's birthday, David and my song had been released. I was surprised when a few days later I heard it playing throughout West Beverly. Before playing the song Donna had introduced it by saying how she had heard it on the radio and seen it on MTV, she had loved it instantly and bought it for their show. It was more of a dance track and not something they would usually play so I had not expected to hear it on the campus radio as I walked to the student centre at lunch. It made me flush bright red.
It grew quickly in popularity and David had been interviewed on a few radio and tv shows, drumming up hype for the song. The label was delighted and had decided to rush the release of my first solo track. My second solo single had been recorded already. It was predominantly about my friendship with Kelly but the hurt from Dylan's betrayal had also bled through into some of the lyrics. It had first been recorded as a ballad but on listening to it being played back in the sound-booth I had wanted to hear it with a bit more anger. It was an opportunity for me to release all the rage I couldn't, wouldn't release at either of them publicly, I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. Two hours later we heard it back, it was raw, and I didn't know my voice could sound like that but we had all loved it. The label had as well. That one was due out in a few weeks and they had already asked for another. They hadn't officially green lighted me for a full album but they were confident that they would. David and my song was climbing the charts at speed, and my debut single had just been released on its tail and was starting to get picked up.
Since Dylan and I had ended my day's had taken on a new pattern. During the day when not in class I could be found either working in the student centre, sitting alone writing in my notebook, occasionally engaging in conversation with the remaining gang members I was on speaking terms with, or my new activity, planning the pig skin prom that would be held in a few weeks. I was aware that my senior year was not turning out like I planned, the latter activity was my attempt of making the most of high school. After I finished school, one of the band most days would pick me up and take me to the studio. Sometimes it would be Ray in his truck coming to collect me. After he had been befriended by the guys in the corridor by our studio he had quickly become a regular attendee of our sessions. And while I hadn't asked him to contribute yet, I hoped I could eventually. He had a great voice and from what I heard was a beautiful song writer. A few hours at the studio and then Dad would collect me on his way home where we would have dinner and I would then go and study. It was a routine I appreciated as it kept my mind busy and distracted from Dylan, well as much as it could.
It had taken a week after my blow up with Kelly but I had finally cleaned my walls of all traces of Dylan and I. He had been boxed up and placed into the garage. Kelly on the other hand had been ripped up and thrown out. Brandon had come back from a date with Nikki, and on seeing my walls finally bare, had looked at me with a disappointed expression. Before going to his own room for the night he questioned my recent actions, "just because he is no longer on the walls doesn't mean you can forget him. Don't you think you owe it to him to hear him out? Make sure he is alright?"
Before he turned around and left I had thrown back at him, "I didn't realise I owed the man who cheated on me anything, but nice to know where you stand brother."
Brandon and I were struggling a lot more. My parents had of course noticed and knew I was keeping him in the dark about my music. While they didn't approve they had seen first hand and had to intervene at times how Brandon was adamant on how I should handle this breakup with Dylan. They could see we weren't getting along and while he still drove us both to school and we still checked in before bed each night, our relationship was not where I wanted it to be. We were both stubborn and I couldn't find common ground in all the recent chaos for both of us to connect. My parents had drawn the line and refused to lie to him, so when he asked where I went every afternoon I had told him I got a job at a recording studio for a couple of hours after school. He assumed that meant answering the phones or office work, an assumption neither my parents or I would or could correct, but they were happy to a degree that I wasn't openly lying to my brother.
It was a Saturday three weeks after my single release that I woke being a whole year older. I was now a legal adult, I could vote, sign my own contracts, get married. It was a bittersweet day. Being at odds with Brandon, barely holding onto any of my previous friendships, and no Dylan. Brandon and I by silent agreement had decided against the party we always thought we would have on this day. Instead we would have a family brunch and he and I in an attempt to reconnect had decided to go for a walk on the beach. He had plans tonight with Nikki and the gang to go dancing, and I was heading out with David and Camille for dinner and then going to see David perform at an L.A. club.
Our parents had presented us with our gifts over breakfast. A Cartier watch for both Brandon and I. They wanted us to have a keep sake that we could one day pass on to our own kids. It was a extravagant but thoughtful gift, especially as they were individually inscribed with our own initials, time and date of birth. We were just finishing off our second cups of coffee when the door bell rang. Dad being closest to the door went and answered. He returned a few minutes later with a long white box with a red ribbon, "Brenda this just came for you."
With the table full of breakfast he put the box down on the kitchen bench. As I stood up and moved forward I asked, "was there a note?"
"No, but maybe there is one inside."
I assumed it was a gift from the label or maybe from the band. On taking off the lid I was presented with a dozen long stem roses, a little black velvet box and a envelope. The roses were beautiful but before I could enjoy them I needed to know who they were from. As I pulled out a birthday card and opened it, I instantly knew. Dylan. That was his penmanship. Not knowing what to do I closed the card, I felt my chest get tight and my breathing get louder in my ears.
"Brenda are you okay?" My Mum stood up and moved around the other side of the kitchen bench. She looked in the box and touched a rose. "They are beautiful." She then moved to look at me and could see the tears accumulating in my eyes. Gently she asked, "Dylan?"
All I could do was nod. Dad then started griping about him not getting the message and Brandon once again began to push his point, arguing that he was trying to show he cared. As I looked at the red roses and the black box staring back at me their conversation played in the background. When the discussion began to get heated, Mum stepped in. It was our birthday after all and they shouldn't be fighting on such a day. On hearing my Mum I looked back over at the table. The light morning celebration had been erased and the mood was now thicker. Deciding that I didn't want to ruin the nice meal and our family time I returned the card to its envelope and replaced the lid of the white box. Taking a deep breath I forced a smile and moved back to the table to finish off breakfast. When my Dad gave me a questioning look I replied, "we were having a nice breakfast, one that Mum went to a lot of trouble to prepare. The box can wait. Let's just go back to you sharing embarrassing stories of Brandon." With that I threw my brother a teasing face. My Dad gave me a look of pride.
An hour later, after helping mum clean up and thanking them once again for my watch, I took the white box upstairs and laid it down on my bed. Taking off the lid I lifted out the card and the black velvet box, and went to sit on my window seat. On opening the card I could see Dylan had covered every inch in writing. I braced myself.
My love, Happy Birthday!
I know you probably don't want to hear from me, but I couldn't let today pass without celebrating your birth. The day you arrived on this earth is definitely a day to be commemorated.
Do you think it's funny that we were born so close together? Balzac said, "True love is eternal, infinite and always…" That is how I see us. I imagine that is why our souls fought to enter this earth so close together, even before we knew the other, we hated being separated.
I know I have hurt you, and I know you aren't ready to forgive me but I hope one day soon you will be. I feel lost without you near because a part of me is missing. The part that is you.
At Christmas I gave you a representation of our shared heart, two parts that only when together were whole. Today, on your 18th Birthday I give you a symbol of the eternal and infinite nature of our love.
My Bren I hope you have a wonderful day, and know I will be thinking of you.
Wishing I was there.
Dylan
Wiping my tears I take a deep breath and open the box. Inside lay a white gold bangle with the infinity knot. Lifting it from its cushion I turn it over in my hand and rub my fingers over the knot. Feeling something rough on the underside I turn it over and see an inscription on the thickest ribbon, "B&D".
It took me an hour to calm down. I didn't know what to do, should I send it back, keep it. I should ring and thank him but I just wasn't ready for that. Brandon eventually knocked and asked if I was ready for our beach walk. Laying the bracelet back on its cushion, I stand and ask him if he can give me a few minutes, that I just needed to wash my face and then I'd meet him downstairs. As I was getting ready my Mum knocks and comes in. She offered to arrange the flowers in a vase and leave them on my dresser. I ask if she wouldn't mind if they were kept downstairs, that I didn't know if I could sleep with the weight of them in here. She smiles and rubs my arm and said of course.
Brandon drives us to the beach, sensing and for the first time in a while respecting that I didn't want to talk we quietly sat listening to the radio. About two songs in David and my song started to play, and Brandon reaches down and turns it up. That surprises me as it wasn't his usual style.
"You like this song?"
"Yeah, Nikki loves it and it's grown on me a lot." I look the other way and smirk. Filing that away for when we are in a better place, one day I will tease him for silently singing along to my words and my voice.
Arriving at the beach I bring up only neutral topics as we walk. I miss my brother and while I know we are at odds over the fallout of my and Dylan's relationship, I hope we can move past it. We haven't been in sync since I ran away to Dylan's, and I worry if we don't make it right soon that this will be our new normal.
We had been walking for about twenty minutes down the beach when Brandon starts to look around, watching the surfers with great interest. It takes only a few minutes for one to emerge out of the water. I stop and turn to face Brandon instantly, "please tell me you didn't?"
He sighs and looks down at his hands before looking back up, "he's hurting and I know he wanted to just see you today. I told him we would be down here around lunchtime for a walk." Looking over his shoulder he sees Dylan approach. To try and pacify me he rushes out, "you don't need to talk to him I'll do it all."
With that Dylan comes to stand next to us. It's the closest I have been to him in weeks, and as my heart beats loudly in my chest I study his face. The shadows around his eyes are dark like he hasn't slept properly in weeks and his face is thinner, but he is wearing a warm smile making his dimples more prominent. It's the first smile I've seen on him in a long time. "Well if it isn't the Birthday Twins! Jones." He sticks out his hand so they can do their normal hand click.
"Brother, good surf today?" Seriously, brother? I mean neutral is one thing but actively choosing sides… I look down at the sand feeling the bond to my twin shrivel a little more.
"Yeah, it's happening out there. How was the birthday breakfast, Cindy go all out?"
"You know it. We won't need to eat for a week." Brandon must have seen that I had recently found my feet in the sand fascinating and chose to bump my shoulder to get me to engage. "Isn't that right Bren?"
So much for him doing all the talking. I lift my head and look at my brother with a cold expression, "yep."
Dylan tries to make eye contact with me, "Happy birthday Bren. Did you get my gift?"
I was stuck I wasn't ready for this, I wasn't prepared. Taking a moment I try and get the words out calmly. "Yes, thank you the flowers were beautiful."
He looks down then and I see he is studying my wrists. In his shy hesitant voice, the same one he used the day he came to the house after standing me up back in sophomore year, he asks. "Did you like the bracelet?"
I could kill Brandon.
What was I suppose to say? It was beautiful, I held it and cried for an hour. It made me want to believe my Dylan, the one who would never cheat on me with my best friend still existed. I don't know if I believe the sentiment. If I am your true love what the fuck was this summer?
Torture, and then kill Brandon.
"Yes it was very pretty." Not wanting to continue this anymore. I turn to look at my so called brother. "I'll meet you back at the car." With that I turn around and begin to walk down the beach.
What had they been hoping from that ambush? That all would be forgiven? Hey, I cheated on you with your best friend and lied to you for weeks, now here is a bracelet let's kiss and makeup.
No there was no hope of that. I could see they both wanted it but I couldn't see any happy ending.
She hadn't left immediately. It was a start.
"Dylan I'm sorry. Blindsiding her may not have been my best plan. It definitely hadn't worked with getting her to talk to Kelly."
At hearing her name I cringed. My summer stupidity had repercussions I hadn't imagined, but then again Bren wasn't supposed to find out and Kelly wasn't supposed to get attached. "Thanks B, honestly it's more than I could have hoped for. She at least said a few words. You better get going. I'm sorry if she is pissed at you."
"Don't worry we are pretty much like that all the time now." His face for a second flashed a heart brake that I was used to seeing on mine in the mirror. My guilt increases. They had always been so loyal to each other, had my actions caused this rift?
As if reading my mind he responded. "It's not just you, we haven't been on the same page in months." Not wanting to explain what was going on with him and his twin he changes the subject. "You going to come out with us tonight? Steve got us on the door at a club courtesy of his Mum, and this new French DJ sounds pretty cool."
I hadn't spent time with the gang in a while. It was uncomfortable with Kelly, Steve, hell with all of them, it was all just too much. It made the consequences of my actions glaringly obvious. If the gang was together there was always one member missing- Bren. She was never there. My choices had made her feel like she couldn't be around her friends anymore, and while the others hadn't said anything, I know they blamed me for the fracture in our tight knit group. Her losing her friends was not supposed to happen. Me being reduced to scheming to get a few seconds with her on the beach, was never supposed to happen. For fucks sake it's her birthday, I should be spending the day and the night with her. Damn Kelly! Seriously, why did she have to come past my house that night, why couldn't she let it go?
Feeling a renewed frustration, I respond. "I don't know Jones, I'm not sure if I'm up for it."
"Come on it's my birthday, and since you wouldn't let us celebrate yours it could be a joint thing."
They had asked to hang out at The Pit for my birthday, Andrea had sought me out at lunchtime in my new favourite spot. It was a spot that allowed me an opportunity to be close to her. It gave me at least forty minutes a day of knowing she was safe, unharmed. When Andrea had asked for a casual dinner that night with everyone I declined. I had pushed it off saying that I didn't want to get anyone else sick but in actual fact I didn't want to remember what day it was. Bren the previous year had made a picnic dinner for us at the beach. Iris had been staying with me at the time, so we hadn't been alone in a while. I had been going crazy. Bren had made dinner and then once dark had given me my birthday present. It was a night that had made it to my top five best, and unsurprisingly all the others on that list had Bren by my side. Without her there I had nothing to celebrate.
"Will Bren be there?"
"No, she is going out with friends, I think from her new job."
Wait, when did this happen? I hated that I knew her better than anyone and now there was gaps appearing in my knowledge. The longer this estrangement went on the more there would be. "New job?"
"Yeah she's working after school at a recording studio, answering phones and stuff." He looked at me with a smirk. "She's finally decided to join her twin in the world of work. Anyway man come for a bit, it would be good to see you out."
Shit I was letting him down, especially since Bran had stuck by me. He had every right to want to kill me at times, he hadn't though. I think at first he thought she'd forgive me, and then I think he noticed I wasn't doing well. Sleeping was nearly impossible now, and eating, well I didn't have the same appetite, I liked to eat with her. We would have lunch and dinner together most days, and now that she wasn't there, it felt like the years I ate alone in the hotel room. If it wasn't for her being at school I would have started skipping again, like I did throughout freshman and part of sophomore year. Bran though was my connection to her, he was my brother as well as hers. The three of us were family. If he wanted me to go I'd try.
"Okay just for a bit but I can't promise how social I'll be."
"It won't be a problem." With that he held his hand out and we did our handshake click. "Later." And then he was off to follow Bren.
Moving back to where I had left my board I sat down and ran through the last few minutes with her. She hadn't been wearing the bracelet. I didn't think she would, but I had hoped that maybe not knowing I would be around she may have left it on for the day. I was probably expecting too much, it hadn't been that long and Bren could be stubborn. Today there had been some progress. It was a start.
Later that night I arrived outside the club. Brandon and Nikki were waiting by his car for the rest of us. As I walked over to them I was stopped by a hand on the shoulder and a voice I hadn't heard in a while, "McKay, what are you doing here?"
Turning around I smiled up at my old friend, "Frank, man I haven't seen you in ages. You working here now?"
"Yeah, I'm in charge of security for the club." Pausing he looks around at all the people waiting to get in. "It's going to be a full house tonight so I just came out the front to give the guys some help with crowd control. I'm surprised to see you here I thought you had given up this scene?"
Nodding my head in the direction of Brandon. "It's a friends birthday so I needed to make an appearance. A full house is this DJ any good?"
"I heard him at sound check today and yeah he is. I'm sure you are in for a show tonight as all these Label Exec's are booked in to the VIP section. Do you want me to put you on the list for the Balcony?"
I had known Frank since I was a kid when he began working security at the BelAge. I had been a ratbag at times but he had always been good to me. It humbled me that he still would be so generous to me. "Thanks man, but there are a few of us going to be here tonight."
"If you change your mind just tell one of my guys to radio for me. You take care McKay."
I made my way over to Brandon who was now surrounded by most of the gang. Reaching out I shook hands with him and Silver, and then move to stand on the other side of the group, away from Kelly. A few minutes later Sander walks up and in his usual fashion, loudly makes his presence known. "You guys ready to party? Let's do this."
As we approach the door Steve gives his name and as the bouncer begins to point to the line Frank walks up and lifts the rope, "come on in." He looks over at one of his guys standing in the doorway. "Make sure you give them the bands for under 21s."
The club is busy but it's still an hour before the French DJ is on. It gives us an opportunity to grab one of the last tables above the dance floor. I make my way to the corner seat. From here I can see the whole dance floor and parts of the VIP balcony. Over the next half hour I sip my coke and make small talk with Brandon and Nikki. The rest of the gang move between the table and dancing. As we wait Nikki manages to swindle a dance promise out of Brandon, he'll dance with her to her favourite song tonight. Kelly mainly sat at the table with us trying to catch my eye. I could feel her stare on me, I kept my eyes focused on B. I had made a conscious effort to avoid her over the last few weeks, not wanting for any type of interaction to be mistaken by Kel, or worse, having it interfere with Brenda forgiving me when she calmed down.
Closer to show time Brandon and Nikki got a little lost in each other. To avoid staring I began to scan the crowd. The VIP section had begun to fill up since we had arrived. As I was looking at the balcony I could have sworn I spotted that French woman, the one who took Bren away before she could let me explain what happened. As I follow her with my eyes trying to gauge if it is her, my sight lands on Bren.
She's wearing a bodice top that doesn't quite reach down to her tight black pants. With the slither of her mid drift showing and her hair out in slight waves she looks incredible, but she always does to me. She's smiling at the French woman and they begin to chat. Not taking my eyes of her I speak loudly enough to get B's attention. "Brandon, I thought you said Bren wasn't going to be here tonight?"
I can feel Brandon look at me but I refuse to turn away from her. "She's not, she's out with friends."
Nodding my head in her direction I correct him. "No Jones, she's over there in the VIP section."
A few seconds later he must have spotted her. "Oh, they are probably her work friends." Confused he adds, "she hadn't mentioned coming here."
Kelly finding a conversation she could join begins to ask questions. "Brenda's got a job?" And then with a slight tinge of jealousy asks, "why would she be in the VIP section though?"
Brandon ignores Kelly's tone and answers, "she's working at a recording studio answering phones. They must have hooked her up with some passes for the event."
I ignore the rest of their conversation in favour of concentrating on her. She looks like she is having fun with the woman. As they chat they are regularly interrupted by people coming up to say hello. It appears like Bren knows some of them, while others it looks like she is meeting for the first time. One guy comes up and stands close to her and she looks like she knows him well. He begins to put his hands together in prayer like he is begging her to do something. She smiles and shakes her head no, and then the French woman joins in with the guy. Bren just laughs at the two of them and turns away, moving down the balcony closer to the stage.
As the lights get a bit darker the crowd begins to get excited. Within a few minutes everyone is cheering. I ignore it all in favour of looking at her. If we were here together we would be dancing, she'd be in my arms all night. Bren seems to know the music, and she and the French woman dance to a lot of the songs. However, when the beat changes to a familiar sound, one that has been playing over the campus she stops dancing. She returns to her previous position on the balcony near the stage. Nikki pulls Brandon onto the dance floor to join Donna and Silver, and then Kelly declares she loves this song and insists Steve come dance with her.
It's a good song. The female singer has a haunting voice and listening to it soothes me. I close my eyes for a few seconds to absorb the sound. Then I feel it- a magnets pull. I open my eyes and look to the balcony and see Bren staring back at me. We hold each others eyes, and as the lyrics blast through the speakers I feel the woman is speaking to me. In that moment if Bren was to look away I think I would fall to pieces. The haunting last cords of the song echo through the club, and with that the guy who had been pleading with her earlier picks her up from behind and spins her around while the others on the balcony cheer.
I try an rein my jealousy in and focus instead on the memory of her eyes, of our moment. For just a second, I could have sworn they held a little bit of love.