Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210. None to Titanium written by David Guetta, Sia, Nick van de Wall and Giorgio Tuinfort, produced by David Guetta, Nick van de Wall and Giorgio Tuinfort, performed by David Guetta and featuring Sia.

Chapter 10: Titanium

My body wasn't used to sleeping for long stretches and it would take a while for it to be able to again. It was something the doctor had warned me about, until I was able to sleep regularly and stay asleep, the cognitive effects of the deprivation would remain. She was hopeful that it hadn't caused any long term damage, but considering my age it was a risk. My brain was still developing and that wouldn't stop until I was twenty-five, when my reasoning would move to another area. Until then it was temporarily housed next to my emotions- she had basically told me I was being driven by what felt good. The embodiment of that feeling was laying next to me, barely taking up any space on the mattress. When she had turned away last night I was gutted, it was another blow in a day full of them. She was so hurt by me, Brandon and our friends. I had caused her to question everything, and my actions had triggered a domino effect. An effect I didn't understand. I did this, why would they turn away from her? They can't blame her because nothing about her caused this. It was all me.

I can't even blame Kelly. Her loyalty was always questionable to her friends, and though the last twelve months had seen the most stability for her, she still had a tendency to pick up friends when they served an advantage. It was something I was always fearful of for Bren, she was loyal, Beverly Hills friends weren't. They were power players, a skill taught and nourished by their parents. Well except Jack, he never had much use for me besides errand boy. So while Kelly's loyalty couldn't be counted on, mine should have been. Mine was supposed to be absolute.

I wasn't lying to Jim if we had first met in College I would have married her immediately, I don't think I could have lasted two weeks without asking her. I felt that way about her, I was sure about us, though at times I had taken it for granted, but I had never left her. No she was always leaving me, and this time I could see it was deserved. After the first few times, her leaving my hotel in Palm Springs, breaking up with me for her move back to Minnesota, and after the pregnancy scare, I just assumed she would always come back. That our connection would bring us back together. For two months, even after that horrible little morning note, I still believed that she would calm down eventually and we would be okay. Now I wasn't sure.

My actions had caused a nuclear reaction in her life. They had blown up all her relationships, except her and her parents, if anything it had made that one stronger. Maybe because they became her only safe place. She had to talk to someone and everyone else had shown that they weren't faithful. Then there was her three new best friends. They looked loyal, maybe a little too loyal to her. From everything Brandon and I had learnt over Dinner last night her parents trusted them, liked them, they had raved about them, but I wasn't convinced they only wanted friendship, especially douche. If she started seeing one of them or anyone I would be destroyed. What the fuck had I done. I had blown up her life and risked our future because I was too proud, too insecure, too much of an idiot to say I wasn't okay. I had taken the easy way out, hidden my pain, and then when I couldn't mask it I had gone for instant appeasement rather than try and sort it out.

I needed to get up. Laying here knowing I had no right to hold her, that she was granting me this sanctuary out of an obligation, or fear of what would happen to me if I didn't stay, was not okay. She had given me too much and I could see it played on her. She hadn't started a conversation once since Sunday that didn't involve around my issues, and when I try to start one she quickly shuts them down, or has left the room. She wouldn't willingly share space with me if it wasn't about taking care of me. I had gone from being her lover, someone she wanted to go to College with, build a future with, to being her charity case, and sadly it was all my own fault.

While I couldn't change the past, god I wish I was able to, I could try and make this easier on her. Give her as much space as I could, before my fear took over and I had to seek her out again. Getting out of bed I decided a sunrise surf was the best plan. After getting dressed, I quickly wrote her a note and placed it on her dressing table. I wanted to let her know where I was- in case she worried. With one final look at my girl I moved out of the room, while I still had the strength to do so.

The surf had been great, and after a quick breakfast at The Pit, I made it to school on time. Brandon's car was already there which hopefully meant they both got to school safely. The morning went by as normal but at lunch time my new routine changed. I was getting ready to sit and read in my new place, but then Bren came by.

"Hey, I just wanted to let you know I have to work with Donna and Andrea now. We need to arrange the holiday programs that begin next week."

"Holiday program?"

"The Thanksgiving hamper food drive, and the Christmas program at Alvarado Street Elementary School."

Seriously, she was amazing but she was doing too much. "Where are you meeting them?"

"They asked to eat lunch on the grass to go through it." She began ringing her hands. "I imagine everyone will be there."

Crap, I did not want her around them without me there. From everything she said yesterday our friends were treating her badly. "Can I come with?"

She nods her head.

Making our way over to our old lunch spot she was right, Donna and Andrea were sitting right in the middle of the gang, with Kelly right beside them. It was no secret Brenda had not wanted to be anywhere near Kelly since she had found out, and as far as I was aware, our friends still believed that it extended to me as well. Well I guess it actually still did. The fact that they would not offer to sit away from Kelly, meet in the student centre or the Blaze office, told me everything. Brenda was right, they didn't care about how she was feeling or at the very least didn't even consider it.

"McKay, you finally taking your head out of a book to grace us with your presence?" Steve could be so obnoxious when he wanted to be, but then he smiled at Bren and my annoyance at him deplete.

"Great, Bren you made it. I have so many ideas I can't wait to share them." Donna being her usual bubbly self is practically bopping up and down in her spot on the grass.

"Ideas about what?"

Damn, she hadn't even said a word and Kelly was already making her presence known.

"Brenda's the Senior chair of the holiday program committee, she needs to co-ordinate the radio and Blaze communication strategy with us. Actually, co-editor you should be in on this." Brandon nods at Andrea's request and untangles himself from Nikki.

"I'm helping with radio spots for David's show and helping organise the volunteers. You should help me Kelly." Is Donna fucking serious? My poor girl.

Brenda sits down as far away from Kelly as possible but close enough for her to arrange the events with Andrea and Donna. I make the choice to sit next to Bren to block Kelly from her line of sight. It means I am closer to Kelly than I like so I angle my body to be turned away from her. My girl is all business discussing the food drive that starts on Monday with the hampers being sent to families on Wednesday night, just in time for Thanksgiving. She's hoping to send out at least thirty.

Brandon chimes in with logistical concerns, "how are they going to make them that afternoon and move the hampers from school to the homes that night?"

He has met his OCD sister right? As if she hasn't planned everything.

"Mum will be arranging the parent volunteers to help divide out the food so the hampers actually contain a lunch or dinner for a family. I don't trust the students to do that, I imagine if I did families would be eating nothing but canned peas and popcorn for Thanksgiving."

I chime in then with something I haven't been able to say since I was in the first grade. "I'm sure Iris would love to help as well. Though I think she will be better suited to packing them rather than sorting a proper meal."

The gang look at me but it's Andrea who actually asks the question.

"Dylan, your mum is in town?"

"Not yet but she arrives this afternoon."

Steve goes next, he hides it but he is just like Andrea- loves to know everything, though Andrea's everything extends beyond West Bev gossip and sport. "She coming in for Thanksgiving?"

"No she is staying a bit longer than that."

"Dude, you going to be okay with that? She got to you pretty bad last time she was here for an extended visit."

I was weighing up how to answer Steve when Brandon decided to share more information than I know his sister would have liked, but I imagine it was his attempt to hide the true nature of my current living arrangements. "Yeah McKay is riding out most of her trip at Casa Walsh. Allergic to the incense she burns- wasn't that your excuse for the move?"

Bren changes the subject and returns to my original offer. "I'm sure my Mum would appreciate the help."

Silver then raises the issue of moving them, seriously not one of them is solution focused. It amazes me how little they understand her, this is Brenda she's got this.

"Paul and Ray have volunteered their trucks and their time to drop them off that evening."

Donna jumps in then. "Paul was the tattooed guy from Saturday night right? But which one was Ray?"

"Yes Paul is the one with the sleeves but Ray didn't go out dancing with us on Saturday, his set went longer than expected."

Crap there's another one.

"He's a musician, anything I'd know?"

"Yes he's a beautiful song writer and an amazing singer and guitarist. He's currently working on his demo at the studio so nothing you would have heard yet David, but hopefully we can get his demo into some label reps hands."

Nikki jumps in then. "We? I thought Brandon said you worked reception there."

Brenda looked uncomfortable like she was choosing her words carefully. "Camille is a friend of mine she's the Business Manager for her husband and knows label executives, she introduced me to a few. Her and her husband also helped me get my job. Between our two contact lists we are hoping we can make it happen for him."

"That's a French name isn't it?" She nods at me. "Is she the woman who came here that… you were dancing with at the club on your birthday?" Shit, I didn't mean to remind her of the last time the gang was all together.

She starts picking at the grass. "Yeah, her and her husband David are French."

Donna starts to practically levitate in her excitement. "Wait you don't mean David, as in the guy performing that night, the internationally known French DJ that was playing the club, that had the number one song in the charts with Raven, that song that is still in the top five? The guy who knows who Raven is, who has actually met her. That David?"

Bren looks uneasy with this conversation. "Yeah, we just call him David though."

You can see it all, Steve and Silver are considering how they could use this to start their own careers, Kelly is just green, Andrea is literally writing questions on her notepad- I'm guessing for an article, and Donna is beside herself. But it's Brandon who then adds some more fuel to the fire.

"Wait are these your French friends that mum was talking about this morning, who are coming to have an American Thanksgiving with us?"

She nods.

"Mum and Dad know them?"

"Yeah, I met David in a café in Paris this summer, we spoke for a couple of hours, and from that afternoon on the three of us became good friends." This is the first I am hearing of this, why had she never told me about them? "When they arrived to try an American release of his tracks they got in touch. They're jumping between the West and the East coast doing promotion, but when they come to town I spend time with them, and Mum and Dad have taken to catching up with us as well. Dad loves Camille, and I think Mum loves David's accent."

Steve and Donna jump in then. "Jim hanging with an internationally known DJ, that I can't wait to see. Bring on Thanksgiving." "When you invited me to dinner with your new French friends, and I chose to stay in and call my Dad and David, these were the friends?"

Bren chooses to ignore Steve and instead answers Donna. "Yes. Mum says you guys are coming to Thanksgiving so you can meet them then."

"You should have told me though Bren. I mean I know he wasn't big here then, but he was known in Paris." Donna actually looked annoyed that Brenda hadn't given the guys resume with the dinner invite.

I changed the conversation, Bren didn't need to be judged for not gloating about her new friends to Donna, in order for her to accept a dinner invitation. "So I missed the Thanksgiving conversation this morning, how many are coming to Casa Walsh this year?"

Brandon runs the list. "You know Cindy loves a big holiday crowd so the gang, Mel, Jackie, Dr Martin, Felice, Samantha, we assumed you and Iris, and then the French couple, and Brenda's work friends."

Kelly is invited? Seriously, I know my invite was based on my current situation. I doubt a week ago I was on the invite list, and it sounds like there was a list from all the confirmations there are. So that means Brenda had to have agreed before we started talking again. Before she knew I hadn't slept with her, before knowing that I had been struggling for a long time. She had been expected to be thankful with Kelly present? My poor tough girl- everyone always holding her to a higher standard not knowing that she is capable of breaking.

Brenda wanting to change the subject goes back to business. "So Andrea you'll run the request for food items in tomorrow's edition and Donna you'll record the spots to play at each break tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday?"

They both nodded. Then Andrea asks, "every donation is still going to the Student Centre?"

"Yes, I'll sort them there before maintenance moves them to the rec space for Wednesday's packing. Once Thanksgiving is over I have the junior volunteers starting the campus Christmas decorating on Monday, and Alvarado Street Elementary School are going to write their Santa letters that week. We will have a Christmas tree in the student centre decorated with Christmas present tags, listing the gift to purchase along with the, name and age of the child. The goal this year, rather than random toys being donated, is to try and make their Santa lists true. Hopefully, a West Bev student chooses a tag and buys that present, returning the tag and purchase together. The wrapping team will then get them ready for our Christmas afternoon. Sorry Donna I imagine you'll need lots of volunteers."

"Okay, I'll start the sign up process on the Monday after Thanksgiving. Kelly I can count on you though to help me get volunteers?"

Kelly nods.

Donna is either ignorant, uncaring or believes that this can be fixed between them.

She then adds. "Do you need help with the program for the Alvarado Street Elementary School Christmas afternoon?"

"Not at this stage. Mums organising the cookies to be baked for the decorating stand, the choir will be carolling, Tony Miller has offered to play Santa, and a couple of the guys on the football team are organising some sports games to play with the kids on the day."

"How did you get the Football team involved? It could be a good article Ace for the Blaze to cover in the sports section. Team Gives Back!"

"Some of the guys are always late to homeroom from morning training so they drop by most mornings for late passes. They usually hang around and chat a bit. They saw me planning the events and volunteered to help. I'm sure they'd like to do the story, they've complained a few times about the negative press they've got recently."

"Brenda you do know that most of the guy's on the team think you're hot? I'm sure they are volunteering to get on your good side."

Fucking Steve, first she only has good sides, second she's my girl they shouldn't be thinking about if she's hot or not. I rip out some of the grass under my hand.

"Steve I hope they are offering because it's to help the kids or at the very least because we are friends."

Fucking Steve, feeding her insecurity that everyone is dis-genuine .

"Bren are you free tonight I was thinking you could join Nikki, Kelly and I for dinner? Andrea is unfortunately busy with the school board meeting." Yep, she's uncaring.

I jump in then. "Brenda, Iris would kill me if she didn't see you tonight. I don't think your phone conversation yesterday will tie her over."

Kelly whispers disgruntled. "You still speak to his Mum on the phone? No wonder he feels obligated to stay with you."

What the hell, when have I ever seen Bren as an obligation? Is that her thinking of why I had no interest in picking up after Brenda found out? Did she not listen to me at my locker?

David hearing his sister's upset tone jumps in. "Brenda, isn't that a bit weird to still be talking to her?"

I fucking snap. Who the hell do these people think they are? "My Mum loves Brenda, more than she loves me. Believe me, I understand and respect my mums view on this. And, what the hell business is it of anyone else's who in my family speaks to each other."

Has she been dealing with this for two months, and if so why the hell hadn't Brandon put a stop to it?

Brenda ignores the comments, and looks down at her hands, they are clasped together again. "I'll be home for dinner. Are you going to go straight to ours after you pick her up?"

"Yeah, Lax traffic will be a nightmare but Cindy said she'll hold dinner until we get home. Wait, you're going out, working again this afternoon?" She nods. "But you got in last night at midnight, and the middle of the night on Tuesday. You planning on having any days off this week? Do you always work this many hours?" Was she doing this because I was staying with her, trying to avoid me? I ignore the questioning looks on how I know her sleep schedule.

"Yeah, but I don't work Wednesday or Friday's usually, unless it's needed so that's my downtime at home. Though this week on Friday night AJ has a concert so the guys and I will be going to that."

"Oh that sounds cool can we come? Will there be label people there?" Seriously, Steve.

"I don't think there will be anyone there, AJ is a concert pianist so it's a performance in a small venue in West Hollywood."

I tried not to be gutted. Classical music was our thing, and now she is sharing it with these guys.

I'm a fucking idiot.

It's the thought that carries me through the rest of school and the drive to the airport. It is reinforced by Iris, on our long, long drive back to Casa Walsh. Though my mother did start by checking I was okayand listening to my summary of my doctors visit from yesterday, before she spent the majority of the trip ranting about my idiotic behaviour and hurting Bren.

On arriving at the house we made our way inside. Cindy since my accident the summer before junior year, had insisted that when I stay I treated this place like home. No doorbells allowed. She reinforced that yesterday as I was helping her make dinner. As we came in Jim, Cindy and Brenda came out of the kitchen to greet us. Iris exchanged warm hugs with Jim and Cindy, but my girl got an almost death grip, and a whispered conversation. Whatever my Mum said she made Bren smile, it had been a privilege I had been denied seeing for months. For that alone it was worth her visit.

Dinner started off well until Thanksgiving was raised.

"Brenda, I would love to help Cindy with the hamper organisation. Thank you sweetheart for thinking of me, it is a real treat when I get to do something as Dylan's mum."

"It actually was your son who volunteered you."

"Did he now." My mum gives me a beaming smile.

"Cindy once we finish at the school, I'd love to help get everything ready for Thursday. How many people are you expecting?"

"Thank you Iris, I'll take you up on that. As it is we are going to have to hire furniture for the day. There are so many people this year."

"Really, anyone I know?"

"Well Donna and her parents the Martin's are coming."

"Oh yes I remember Felice from parent socials when Dylan started school. She's one of those people that stick out in your memory, isn't she?"

"Yes, she is memorable. Then there is Steve and his mum, Samantha Sanders."

"I remember her husband Rush, he and Jack use to attend the same business events. Samantha was always busy on the set of her show back then."

"Well, it's her ex-husband now, and we haven't met Rush, but Samantha joined us for Christmas last year so we wanted to extend the invite again. Then there are the Silver's."

"Now that name is not familiar at all."

"Oh of course, David Silver is a junior and Mel Silver is his dad. At the start of summer he married Kelly's mum, Jackie, and they have a new baby Erin."

Iris was silent for a moment. "Kelly's coming to Thanksgiving? Brenda darling are you sure?"

Cindy rushed out. "Oh we discussed it with Brenda before we invited them. Jim and I are close to Jackie and Mel, and they usually spend the holidays here. Brenda is okay with it, believe me we wouldn't put her in that situation if she hadn't agreed to it."

"Brenda darling really? I mean are you still friends with her?"

Brenda looked at the table. I sunk low in my chair.

"No we aren't friends but Iris it's fine there will be a lot of people here."

Jim jumps in then. "Iris we understand, Cindy and I discussed it at length before even raising it with Brenda. I mean we aren't happy with Kelly, she has been invited into our home many times, but she wasn't family…"

Jim didn't finish his sentence the implication was clear. I was treated like family, maybe not at the end when I had started to go off the rails, but before that I was. He had called me son on numerous occasions. I ate dinner with him multiple times a week. I was a regular fixture in the house. Besides sending me away the first few days, he had never mentioned anything, expressed no opinion on what I had done. This week I thought he was leaving it between Bren and I. I was an idiot. For him not to have an opinion was laughable. Of course he did, and while he had never raised it, realising maybe that I needed help more, it didn't mean anything was forgiven. He maybe allowing me into his home, supporting his daughter in helping me, but one day there would be a reckoning. I would have to answer to him for what I had done to his daughter. I would take whatever he dished out, today reinforcing it was well earned.

It also wasn't lost on me his use of the past tense. I was once family and now I wasn't. It caused my body to ache. I was tired. I was so tired. I had fucked up royally and now I didn't know if or how I could make this right. I didn't see any way to fix this. My stupidity this summer had blown everything to hell.

The rest of dinner was quiet. When we were all finished I volunteered to do the dishes. Bren offered to help but I told her I had it. I needed time alone to myself, I was finally getting it. Bren's words yesterday had started the waves of realisation. Some were small, others big, the last one I felt like I was drowning. Each one was making me see very little hope for the future. I was on limited time here in this house, with Jim, Cindy, and most importantly, I was on limited time with Brenda.

One day, she'd tell me to leave and I would have to comply. After everything I had done, everything I caused, she had every right to ask me too.

Well dinner became uncomfortable quickly, and once over Dylan all but ran to hide in the kitchen. I wish I felt sorry for him but he made his bed, it's only right that he lie in it. I certainly was sick of laying alone in the bed I had been forced into. It felt like I was being held accountable for his and her bloody decisions. Though today David added a new level to that feeling, he almost acted like I was the other woman, like Dylan was his sister's.

After dinner I had excused myself in order to complete my homework and Iris had come up to my room not long after that. She came in to apologise in case she had made me uncomfortable at dinner. She was worried that I put too many people first, and while she was so appreciative of my support of her son, she wasn't blind to the personal sacrifice I was making to do it. She then gave me a crystal for strength and told me, "Darling, I know you are strong but please remember even the toughest metals have a melting point." I was to hold the crystal when it all got too much. She gave me a hug after that and went downstairs to ask Dylan to drop her back at his place.

Thirty minutes later he walked into the bedroom and asked if he could study in here. I nodded my consent. An hour later, I went to get ready for bed and then he did. It was a very domestic scene and three months ago I would have cherished every moment of it, but not today. As we were climbing into bed Brandon came in, having just finished his shift. He asked Dylan about Iris, and then recounted to me the entertaining dinner chats the three girls had. He mentioned that Nikki had a blast and it was great that the girls were making her feel so welcome. I'm not sure if it was a dig at me or just a stupid comment, either way it stung though.

Once he left the room, Dylan turned off the light and rolled over to face me and then whispered. "Bren, what's going on with you and Brandon?"

I had been laying on my back, so I rolled over and mirrored him, and then whispered back. "I don't know. Somewhere along the way our twin bond has… it's like it's submerged, stuck in mud or something. I still feel it, it's not gone but it's being held down by something. I just don't know how to repair it and I'm not sure if Brandon wants to even try."

As I was speaking a tear fell. He lifted his hand and gently wiped it off but then another fell and another. Giving up he simply gathered me into his chest and held me while I cried. I let him. Right now I needed the comfort of his arms more than holding onto my anger and pain.

I cried over Brandon, the awkwardness with my old friends, over the daily reminders of this mans betrayal- it all hurt.

Maybe Iris was right, everything had a melting point, even titanium.