Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210. None to Titanium written by David Guetta, Sia, Nick van de Wall and Giorgio Tuinfort, performed by Jasmine Thompson, produced by J&J Kinnear.

Chapter Eleven: The B Track (Titanium)

I had cried myself to sleep and woke still wrapped up in Dylan's arms. As my body and mind started to regain awareness I felt something missing. The weight that I had carried with me since the earring, no it was longer than that since Paris, or maybe even before that, had lessened. It wasn't gone, but I didn't feel like it was so heavy. I tried to determine what caused the change, and the only difference was surrounding me. Last night, he hadn't pushed, hadn't had his own agenda, for the first time in so long I knew it was about me. That he wanted to support, care, and understand me, on my own terms. I felt seen, I felt heard. He had been the first one of our gang to give me that but then he wasn't part of the gang to me. He had never been another member, even the summer after sophomore year. No he had always been my other, it was a title, a role that I didn't know if I was capable of taking away from him.

Sneaking a glance at the man in question I watched him. He looked peaceful, happy even in his sleep. God he was handsome. He had always been to me. The only time he had appeared ugly was when he lied. Would he do that again? I didn't know but I wasn't ready to find out and didn't think I would ever be.

"Do we have to go to school? We could just spend the day like this." Dylan's whisper startled me, and if I hadn't seen the movement of his mouth I would have thought he was still asleep.

"Yeah, I'm sure my parents would love that."

Void of any tone other than genuine interest, he slowly whispered back like his brain wasn't completely awake and he was still manually trying to sort through the meaning of words. "I thought they were cool with you making your own decisions?"

"Yes, but I won't be taking advantage of that trust."

"Does that mean we have to get up soon?" His whisper had a slight resignation to it, as he accepted that he wasn't going to get his way on his wish.

In a teasing tone I remind him that this information could be found if he would actually wake up properly. "You do know there is a clock on the bedside table that tells the time?"

"Mmmm but that would require me to open my eyes and I'm not ready for that." My chest vibrated in silent laughter. It reminded me of better times, he was always adorable when he woke up. Before the holdup he had loved his sleep and would fight having to awake from it.

We lay there for a few minutes not talking. I don't know if he had fallen back asleep but as I hadn't felt his breathing change I didn't think so. The minutes laying there were restoring. It was just a relaxing moment of time, void of any agenda. Dylan hadn't moved his arms once since waking, and while he was still holding me he wasn't taking advantage of the situation. He hadn't moved to pull me closer or rub my back. Hadn't flirted or made this moment more than it was. He allowed me to remain in a sanctuary that was peaceful. After last night it was the best gift he had ever given me. Eventually I got up and started my day.

Over the next few days we changed, or more accurately he changed. He gave me space, he stopped pushing for forgiveness, he stopped taking advantages that were no longer his, he became more aware of me. Though you could see at times it was a struggle that his body, his psyche couldn't always maintain. On coming home from his second Doctor's appointment that Friday afternoon he found Iris, my Mum and I having tea. He walked in in almost a panic, and literally picked me up from my chair and placed me on his lap, securing me in his arms. The fear and unsettled energy- Iris's words for it, radiated off of him, and made my Mum and Iris grab hands in a joint need for comfort.

It wasn't till I had managed to calm him down, with my soothing words and by stroking his face with my finger tips, did I start to understand what had happened. His Doctor had wanted him to recount his nightmare of the holdup. Dylan described seeing my lifeless bloody body and the emotion it caused, the panic, a body crushing fear, a hopelessness. When I wouldn't wake from it, he felt like a part of him was missing, taken from him, he felt destroyed. He went on to say that it had caused him to relive it in his waking hours, and had resulted in a minor panic attack. By the end of his explanation Iris was beside herself, and my Mum was only holding it together to keep her calm. From then on Iris insisted on going to each of his doctor visits, she didn't want him ever driving in that state again.

He also struggled when I had been out of his sight too long. After spending Saturday finalising the release of my new music video, I had contractual issues I needed to run over with my lawyer. Every time I wrote a new song I needed to protect the copyright of both the lyrics and music composition, and legally and financially acknowledge any collaboration that the guys made. It was a long tedious process and had resulted in me getting in just before dinner. Dylan didn't say anything but it took nearly an hour for him to stop following me with his eyes and his body to relax. It was a process repeated on Sunday night when I had gotten home from spending an unplanned fourteen hours in the studio.

I had originally gone in just for the morning to lay a new track that had been buzzing around my head. It had been bugging me since I had woken alone in bed on Thursday with Dylan's smell still on the pillow. Once it had been laid, I had sent the producer and guys home to enjoy their Sunday afternoons. Having decided to sit and play the piano for a while, a luxury I didn't get to enjoy as often as I'd like, I was startled when I paused to write a lyric and was interrupted by clapping. David and Camille had surprised me by flying into town early. I had been expecting them on Tuesday but David had decided he wanted sometime in the studio and he was comfortable with the set up I had here. Having pretty much commandeered this small studio space over the months, it was rarely used by anyone other than me, Ray or David when he came through town.

So after catching up with them both, David wanted to hear what I had been working on. I had played him the track I had recorded that morning, and then moved back to the piano to play the song I had been constructing about my recent meltdown. Two hours later he had produced a ballad version that would require Chris and AJ to do some minor overlays to round out the sound in parts, and asked me if we could record a dance version. I readily agreed, any time I got to work with my music mentor, my friend, I was honoured.

The time had flown by, and it wasn't until after dinner that I arrived home. Dylan had been standing guard by the lounge room window and our parents, who had begun to realise he had no control of his behaviour once the fear had flooded his system with adrenaline, were ignoring him and instead were focusing on playing scrabble around the coffee table. Again it had taken an hour for him to gain back full awareness, though he continued to be respectful of my personal space.

Monday and Tuesday he had done better though. Being able to see me throughout the day at school and only having a few hours away from me each night had meant his acute stress response- the term his Doctor had called it, was not triggered. It had also helped that his double session with his Doctor, to make up for the holiday long weekend, had evolved into a joint session with Iris and him. He'd tell me Tuesday night laying in bed that it had been the first time she had wanted to hear about the immediate years after her leaving. Of the multiple Nanny's and the crazy girlfriends of Jack's that had either seen him as a meal ticket or as a burden. He had expressed it was good to finally be able to share some of what his childhood had been like to his family, well to another member of his family. He had long ago begun sharing snippets of his life both in our private conversations or in his AA meetings, it had enabled me to tie the threads together enough for me to learn his story. Some of those threads were rich with detail and understanding on how he had felt, while others like his drug experiences, were almost thread bare, having been merely a brief gloss over. It was good for both Iris and him that he had let her even minimally in.

On Wednesday afternoon, I was with our mum's along with Donna's and a few more in the rec space at school, dividing the donations into Thanksgiving meals for some of L.A.'s financially struggling families. Having been granted permission to miss the last class of the day, the mum's and I had begun the sorting process by the time the gang and other student volunteers had appeared to start packing the hampers. It was Donna's role to arrange the students and oversee their tasks, allowing me time to continue working with the mum's and meet Ray and Paul when they unceremoniously arrived.

"Torchy, thank god we finally found you. This campus is huge." Paul's loud declaration on making it through the door, along with his sleeves had the Beverly Hills student and Parent elite quieten down in shock.

Making my way over to him I responded in the now quiet room. "That's why I drew you a map yesterday."

Ray slapped Paul's shoulder, "Shorty gave you a map?"

My response was immediate. "Don't call me Shorty."

Ray smiled at me and moved closer giving me a hug. "Darlin, when your head finally can reach my shoulder height I'll stop calling you Shorty."

I grumbled as I left his arms. "I'm not that vertically challenged."

"You kinda are Torchy." Seeing my disgruntled face he reached out and captured me in a hug. "But we love you just the same, even if we have to guard you from being squashed."

I pushed out of his arms and then whacked his stomach in retaliation for his comment. By then my Mum, the ever amazing host, tried to bring the room back into its normal order.

"Ray, Paul, stop harassing my daughter." With quiet yes Cindy from both, and followed by a warm hug to each, she then continued by looking at the mum's. "Ladies let me introduce you to Ray and Paul, who while they may not act like it are dear friends of Brenda's and family friends of ours." I gave the guys a snigger at having been told off by my Mum.

Iris helping my Mum make the room less awkward, came over and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "Well any friends of my honorary daughter are friends of mine. Welcome, are you here to give us a hand?"

I spoke up then. "They have volunteered their trucks and their time to deliver the hampers across L.A."

"Oh how kind of you both."

Mum then took over. "We are just finalising the last of them but those ones over there," pointing to the corner, "are ready if you want to start loading them into your cars." She then looked over to the students. "Brandon and Dylan will help get them out to the carpark."

My brother and Dylan made their way over. With Dylan greeting Paul first with a handshake. "Hey man thanks for helping out." He then turned to Ray and held out his hand. "Hi I'm Dylan, you must be Ray. Do you work with Bren as well?"

Ray gave me a quick glance and a wink. "Yeah, sometimes she grants me the honour."

Trying to move on from Ray's words I spoke to the four of them. "Each hamper has an envelope with a card inside wishing the intended family a happy Thanksgiving. On the envelope I have put the name and address of the family, but on the top right hand corner you'll see a colour sticker with a number. The number indicates the order of drop off, I've labelled each on the map so you can see the intended route you should travel. The blue sticker hampers are for Paul's truck and the green are for Ray's."

Iris, Ray and Paul looked in shock while Mum, Brandon and Dylan looked amused.

"Wow Torchy that's some detailed planning."

Dylan gave me a warm smile. "You haven't come across Bren's OCD before? It's awesome."

"McKay you wouldn't say that if you had to grow up sharing a toy room with her. At the end of each day, she'd organise my matchbox cars by colour, and would get angry if the blue and yellow were used at the same time. Don't even get me started on the time I came home, and she had reorganised my hockey cards in alphabetical order rather than by teams."

Giving my brother a get over it already look, I answered back. "My way was better it made more sense, especially as the team's kept trading players each year."

Mum jumped in. "Okay you two. Boys shall we start loading the hampers we don't want to keep Paul and Ray out too late tonight? They have a big day at ours tomorrow eating Thanksgiving. By the way Ray are you sure your mum can't join us tomorrow?"

"Sorry Cindy, but after breakfast with me she's working all day."

"Well then I'll be sure to wrap her up a plate, for you to take home to her."

After that, the afternoon quickly finished up with the guys leaving for the drop offs and everyone going home. Dylan, Brandon, Iris, Dad and I all helped getting the house and backyard ready for Thanksgiving. Mum had decided on a buffet set up in the dining room, with tables and chairs out on the lawn. I'd dress them tomorrow with table cloths and flowers while Dad, Dylan and Brandon had been instructed to set up the hired fire pit. They had been advised by Mum if the smoke blew in the direction of the tables she would be very disappointed, which was code for Dad would get in trouble.

Dylan and I had made it to bed late and were exhausted from the day, so it wasn't surprising that we woke late and had to rush through the table set up before rushing upstairs to get ready. I had only just finished getting dressed when guests arrived. I had walked down the stairs and heard a knock on the front door, and on opening it up I was presented with the Silver's. As they came through the door Jackie greeted me first.

"Happy Thanksgiving, sorry we are early but I wanted to get here before Erin's mid-morning nap. Unfortunately though she conked out on the drive over here and I didn't want to risk the door bell waking her up."

"Bren have you seen my grandfather's watch? I thought I left it by our bed." As Dylan finished calling down to me from the hallway upstairs I closed my eyes not wanting to see any of their reactions. Shit.

Sensing him at the top of the stairs I looked up. He gave me an apologetic look on realising what he had done. "Hi, I didn't realise people had started arriving yet- I didn't hear the bell."

Trying to move on quickly from this. "Dylan the watch is in my jewellery box- I didn't want it to get lost."

Turning to face Jackie. "Happy Thanksgiving, Mum and Iris are in the kitchen just finishing up organising lunch." Looking at Mel and David, "Dad and Brandon are still struggling with the fire pit outside, if you want to go give them a hand I'm sure they'd appreciate it." I ignored Kelly and her betrayed look. "Jackie, if you have a monitor, Erin can be put down in my parents room as it's a quiet place, and the doorbell shouldn't be able to wake her from there."

Jackie still stunned from Dylan's entrance took a moment before responding. "Yes. Thank you Brenda that would be great." Without another word I led her upstairs. Thankfully she didn't say anything. Excusing myself I left her in my parents room to sort out her daughter.

Dylan was in the doorway of our room. "Sorry, I thought it was just family still here."

I gave him a reassuring look, and then surveyed my room. Rolling his eyes, he turned me by the shoulders and began to lead me down the hall to the stairs. Chuckling he leaned in and whispered in my ear. "As if I would risk your wrath by messing up our room after you had just organised it."

When we entered the kitchen, I quickly moved over to our mum's and told them what had happened, while Dylan went and subtly told my Dad and brother. We didn't want anyone to be caught in a lie or taken off guard if it was raised. Within forty minutes everyone had arrived except David and Camille. We were all sitting having drinks around the now healthy fire- thanks to Ray, when a boisterous David walked up the drive way.

"Joyeux Action de Graces. Maintenant, où est l'oiseau?"

Camille shook her head at her husbands antics, whilst I got up from my chair. "C'est dans le four encore en train de cuire."

As I made my way over to greet my friends I heard David ask his girlfriend, "what did he say?"

After no response from Donna, who I imagine may be too excited to speak, Dylan responded. "He said Happy Thanksgiving and where's the bird. Bren told him it was still in the oven."

As I approach David he declares. "Si ce n'est pas ma deuxième personne préférée sur la planète."

Camille gives me a warm smile, and after kissing both my cheeks, reaches out to give me a hug. She pulls back and gives me pleading eyes. "She maybe your second favourite person but she's my first. Brenda do you think I can just send him home to Paris and stay here with you?"

I give her a mock-sympathetic look. "He's in one of his moods?"

"He's been insufferable all morning insisting on finishing off a track. He now thinks he's a musical god."

"Ange you wound me, as I do not hold the title alone. My co-collaborator has the honour of sharing that title with me." He smiles at me and kisses both my cheeks. "You must hear it, I bought a copy."

Giving him an indulgent smile, knowing he was like an excited puppy on finishing a track. "Let's introduce you first and then maybe I'll hear it."

I took them around introducing them to all members of the party. My parents and the guys, gave them warm hugs and their normal greetings. Whilst the gang, Nikki included acted like crazy fans, causing David to smile indulgently at them all, though he wouldn't meet Kelly's eyes. Their parents were filled in by my Dad about who David was, and why their kids were so awe struck. Iris though in her perfect French greeted them, and as always cared more about their obvious love of me than anything else. She quietly whispered her thanks in French for taking care of her daughter that night- my Mum had obviously filled her in. Dylan having been nervous knowing that these people were important to me, even more so than my beloved guys, hung back and only came forward at the end after his mother. Like me he had picked up his mum's whispered conversation, it had made his shoulders drop even more.

Camille and David being my confidants, knew all about our current arrangement, well all I was willing to say- I wouldn't break a trust that Dylan had given me. From what I had told them they knew he had struggled for a long time, and was still struggling. Camille seeing his hesitancy came forward and greeted him in French, and bestowed a kiss on both of his cheeks. In French she then advised him that she had heard much about him. He responded by apologising for it all not being good. David joined in then. By introducing himself, and advising that yes it wasn't all good. He then gave Dylan a warning that one day they would speak about it. He then proclaimed that he should kiss the ground I walk on, after I prevented him from going after him that night. Dylan looked at me and gave me a sad loving smile. Acknowledging that he should kiss it everyday as he has never been good enough.

While no one apart from Iris and the four of us could follow this conversation, not even Donna who wouldn't be able to keep up with the speed and extensive vocabulary being used, I still put a stop to it with a subtle shake of my head at David. He got the point and ended the exchange with a warm clasp on Dylan's shoulder, and a final comment that one day they would discuss it but not today, today was to get to know each other.

Mum had brought out two glasses of wine to David and Camille, and they joined us around the fire.

Paul seeing my glass empty called out to me across the fire. "Torchy do you want another soda?"

"No thanks but would you mind grabbing me a water?"

As he came back and handed me my drink, Nikki asked. "Why Torchy?"

I was surprised when Iris answered. "I imagine it's because Brenda's name stems from the Nordic meaning Torch and Sword." Surprised I nodded then took a sip of water. An action I quickly regretted when Iris continued. "Though I am more partial to the Gaelic meaning."

The guys, David, Camille, and my parents instantly went quiet as I choked on my water. Dylan patted my back. While Nikki asked, "oh what does it mean in Gaelic?"

Iris smiled at her, "It means little." She then gave me a subtle wink.

Shit she knew. Iris didn't lie, she had chosen only to give the first part of my names meaning. The only reason she'd do that, was if she knew it was my performing name. Why else wouldn't she say it means little Raven?

Figuring out how she knew had me a little on edge throughout lunch, and it wasn't till Camille came back from being shown the bathroom by Iris, was my concern mitigated. Camille whispered to me. "Relax she loves you. I tried to see how much she knows and all she would say was that her soul daughter is a remarkable woman with an amazing talent, and after giving too much of herself deserves some privacy."

I looked over at Iris sitting at the other end of the table and gave her a beaming smile, she blew me a kiss.

It wasn't till after lunch that David got his wish, and it was all because of Donna.

"David, sorry but I overheard you when you arrived saying to Brenda you have a new song. Has it been released yet?"

"No I literally just finished the final polish of it this morning, but hopefully it will be released soon." He than threw his wife a pleading look.

Camille jumped in. "Yes Dear, I already have the label heads coming in on a public holiday tomorrow morning to give the okay, that is once Raven and her people sign off on it. Hopefully, it will be released ASAP."

"Fantastic, I want to play it in Vegas this weekend for my final show in the States." He then gives me a beaming smile. "Come join us in Vegas, it will be are last hurrah before we fly back to France for Christmas and before we head to Asia in the New Year for a promotional tour. We won't be back for months."

Camille gives me a pleading look. "Yes, we can go to the spa, do some shopping, and eat at some fabulous restaurants."

I felt Dylan's fear from across the table, he wasn't in a position where I could leave him even over night let alone two. I looked down knowing it wasn't possible.

David having read my mind in French whispered from his place next to Dylan that the invitation was extended to him as well.

I gave Dylan a quick look and he nodded his head slightly.

"I'll have to ask my parents."

David too excited for subtle called out to the other end of the table. "Jim, Cindy, can Camille and I whisk your daughter away to Vegas this weekend? It's my last show in the States and I'm hoping to drop Raven and my new song, it should be one hell of a show."

My Dad looked at my Mum, and on receiving acceptance from her, went to have a silent conversation with Dylan. He obviously picked up on Dylan's lack of panic, and I'm guessing understood that he too would be included on the trip. He finally rested his eyes on me, he knew I was eighteen and was able to provide for myself a very different life, but I chose this, in doing that he had acknowledged my maturity, my ability to make good decisions for myself. "You'll keep my little girl safe?"

"Of course."

"Then as long as I get first listen of your new song, okay."

All at once my end of the table erupted. With Camille clapping her hands, the guy's declaring they weren't missing out on the trip, Brandon throwing down his cutlery in annoyance, Steve begging for tickets to the show, Donna clasping her hands together in a silent playful plea to her parents, and Kelly and David whispering to one another.

Dad realising the chaos caused stepped in. "Well if we are all finished our meal why don't we make our way inside and David can play his new song before coffee and dessert."

David jumped from his chair. "Excellent idea Jim."

As they made their way through the kitchen everyone dropped their plates off. My Mum insisted everyone should listen first then we could worry about the clean up. I hung back though and started to scrape and stack the plates, until Iris came up to me.

"Darling if you aren't in there it will look suspicious."

"I've never done this," pointing in the direction of the lounge room, "what if they hate it? The guys they know how to give constructive feedback, they know what each of the songs mean to me, but the gang they don't, and even if they don't say anything I'll know if they are being fake to David. I've taught my self how to spot it."

"Darling, when you are an artist you make your art because it feeds your soul. If you are blessed it might feed others, but you can't chase that. If you do you will wake one day and realise you have given away all your food, and left nothing for yourself." She then guides me away from the bench. "In other words, who cares what anybody else thinks."

We walk into the lounge room and sit on the step leading into the sunken room.

David seeing us, finished what I am sure was a delaying tactic and stopped adjusting the manual sound controls on the stereo. He then pressed play. The dance sound filled the room along with my voice.

A few minutes later it was all over and everyone was applauding loudly, though Felice and Samantha looked not as enthused as the younger crowd.

After receiving congratulations, David spoke to the room. "Raven actually wrote the ballad version first and I got to produce that as well. Would you like to hear that version?"

Donna and Nikki both excitedly screamed yes.

The torture began again, this time though besides some minor parts from AJ and Chris, it was all me. My soul stripped bare and exposed in a room full of people that had either helped me up from the fall, or had been the ones who had shot the bullets.