Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210. None to Special Ones written by Katie Anne Noonan and Nicholas Arthur Stewart, Special Ones lyrics © Words & Music A Div Of Big Deal Music LLC, performed by George.
Chapter Thirteen: Special Ones
Arriving at the airport, Dylan and I moved to greet my friends, our friends? I guess by the end of the trip I'd be able to determine if they were his as well. As he went to go pull the top up on the car- locking it up for the weekend, those same friends cornered me.
"So Raven, are you going to tell him or are we planning on speaking in code all weekend?"
"AJ I'm not ready. Look I'm only just today not avoiding him, let me get into this new norm first."
Camille give's me a sceptical look. When he had first moved in began sharing my bed she had looked up the definition of avoid in the dictionary in both French and English, it led her to declare that my situation did not seem to match either language. Our phone call that night had been just like Camille. Honest, tough, and full of love. Yesterday, as we had walked back to the table, our Thanksgiving meals in hand, she had reminded me of that.
She had also said there was a point where the punishment could become more cruel than the crime. That if forgiveness could never be reached then giving him this time, having him next to me each night, entwined figuratively and physically with me, was setting him up for a crueler fall. A point she reinforced after she watched me bring him back from a physical panic unlike any he had before.
Yesterday he hadn't disappeared into his own mind in protection. He hadn't trapped himself in there waiting for the sun to rise. No this time he had been outwardly panicking. A reason both David and Camille refused to leave me alone with him. Though they soon realised I was not in danger. Dylan instinctively moved with me up the stairs. Even when I wasn't sure he knew his own surroundings or his name- he knew to follow me. When his breathing became shallow and uneven, I wrapped myself around him from behind, leaning him back so he was resting on my chest, feeling me breathe. His body immediately started to follow my lungs, expanding and contracting steadily, he began to regulate his own. It had taken a while but he had eventually come back to himself fully.
This afternoon Camille was not letting me hide and called me out for the lie. "That's not the real reason is it though? I mean you guys are like mirrors of the other, even when you aren't together you appear in sync. You both are like water landing on a rough surface, you naturally find and fill the gaps in what the other needs. There is no adjustment needed to your new norm."
I looked down to the ground. Camille would never allow me to shy away from the truth. "If he knows, I don't think I'd be able to make music the same way."
Chris was surprised. "Why? You make music organically, it just flows out of you."
David reached for my hand, we had discussed my songs effect on Dylan over coffee, he knew I still felt guilty. Regulating myself in my lyrics was not something I had to ever consider, and yesterday I had seen the impact that had on Dylan.
"Yesterday, the words of that song. I never even connected it to the holdup I was in last year. If I start having to analyse all my words and how they'll effect the people in my life, I worry that I won't be truthful to myself. These songs are helping me process, figure out what I want. I'm not ready to be influenced by anyone at this stage."
Camille put her arm around my shoulder, knowing how hard at times it is to admit the truth to yourself. I hadn't wanted to admit, I didn't want Dylan knowing because I'd start editing myself in fear of causing him more pain. Of him feeling I was oversharing our story. "Then we will keep your secret for as long as you want us too."
"Thank you."
Ray's song had been beautiful, and when Dylan had excused himself to go to the bathroom I asked Ray if Raven could produce it. It would be my first producer credit, and hopefully with me tied to it, and with our duet due out in time for Christmas, Ray's career would be taking off in the new year. It was funny though as both the duet and his own song reminded me of Dylan, his story. Listening to them I felt Ray embodied Dylan in both of those songs.
Arriving at the hotel we were greeted by the receptionist who began to arrange the checkin. We were booked into a deluxe suite courtesy of the hotel, the guy's had a deluxe suite courtesy of me- it was a thank you for all the additional hours they had recently been putting in, and the comp rooms for Brandon and the others. As Camille was finishing the check in, the receptionist began handing out the keys.
"Miss Walsh this is yours, Mr McKay this one is for you."
The general manager of the casino on hearing the name quickly turned around and faced us.
"Dylan McKay is that you?"
"Yeah Simon, it's been a while. How are you?" As they shook hands Simon responded.
"I'm good, the casino is going well. We miss your father here though. He was always such a high roller and the life of the party." As he was speaking Simon moved to the computer. "Currently you are booked into room 920, but your usual penthouse is available, and since it's been so long since you've been back let me give you a courtesy upgrade."
While David, Camille and the guy's looked confused by how Dylan was known here, the gang looked impressed. Steve was already rubbing his hands together in anticipation of the penthouse access. "Thank you Simon but that won't be necessary. I think between us we are all set."
"Well then let me arrange the best table in our top restaurant tonight for you and your friends. Dinner will be on the house, and my way to welcome you back to the Mirage." Dylan looked around seeing enthusiastic looks on all faces, with Camille practically giddy. When she had been going through a suggested itinerary for the weekend on the plane, she had commented that even with her and David's connections she had been unsuccessful to secure us a reservation at her favourite restaurant. Dylan had not only secured one but also a free dinner. How many millions had Jack gambled away in here to get this service? Lastly, he looked at me to confirm what he should do, I nodded. While I would have preferred to avoid too much mixing as a large group, I would never be so rude to disinvite them to dinner, even Kelly.
After graciously accepting and arranging a time for a leisurely dinner prior to David's show we made our way over to the line for the lifts.
"Jones feel like sharing with the class what just happened?"
"The Mirage opened in 1989 and since opening weekend it has been a favourite of my father's. Jack would come almost one week a month for the first year and was a regular after that."
"Dude I can't believe you turned down the penthouse."
Dylan didn't acknowledge Steve's comment. I imagine a fourteen year old just prior to being kicked out by his Dad, spending days alone in Vegas even in a penthouse was nothing he'd want to relive.
"Wait we have to go back to the desk they have given us the wrong keys?" Shit I was hoping they wouldn't catch on until we had made our escape.
Nikki picked up Donna's key envelope from her hand. "No Donna it's fine, I've got the same room number as you."
"Yes, but the boy's are supposed to be in an adjoining room and ours is 608, and the manager said Dylan's was 920."
He looked at me. "No it's not wrong Donna, I'm not staying with you guys."
Steve started smirking. "Booked yourself your own room Dylan, planning on getting lucky this weekend? Now that you're single maybe pickup a showgirl or two."
Steve I'm standing right fucking here.
I could feel Dylan's anger rise but before he could respond Kelly chimed in, though I was surprised her and David had kept it to themselves for this long. "No Steve, Dylan is back sleeping with Brenda. He seemingly gets enough forgiveness to be allowed back in her bed, but I'm still not worthy of a simple hi."
Andrea cuts in then, both in curiosity and I assume in an endeavour to try and make the conversation more civil. "You guy's are back together?"
As I go to speak Dylan looks at me clearly indicating that he wants the focus on him not on me. It was another sign he was owning his actions. It made the weight I still carry become a little lighter.
"Look Brenda is and will always be my family, as such I'm not going to open our personal business up for discussion." He then turns his focus to Steve.
"Steve your insensitivity fucking amazes me. You've spent three years carrying a torch for your freshman girlfriend, and are offended by even the slightest mention of her moving on but you are quite alright to make a comment in front of Brenda about me sleeping around with random chicks. It has been less than three months after our breakup."
"McKay, considering the reason she dumped your arse is because you messed around with my ex-girlfriend I'd stop the superiority lecture you have going on."
"Dude you can fucking call me out for my horrible mistake and treatment of Bren as much as you want- I fucking deserve it! She however doesn't deserve to have her feelings ignored. Show some respect for her please, nothing she did caused my actions." Steve looks a little taken aback and sends me an apologetic look, I imagine it was his acknowledgment that his mouth often ran off without his brain.
"Dylan come on we were all there last year, running down to Baja, running away from home. You guys were getting pretty crazy for a high school romance…"
"Silver, when I want your take on my life I'll ask for it. But if your unsolicited opinion is inferring that last year, what happened between Bren and I, was to blame for the Summer then you have absolutely no idea what you are talking about."
I put my hand on his shoulder then, I had no desire for our life to be discussed in the foyer of a Vegas hotel, and as I was doing it we finally made it to the front of the lift line. Dylan turned to look at me and saw that I wanted out of this conversation, he gave me an understanding look. He then reaches up and covers my hand with his own giving it a squeeze.
He turns back to the gang, "I'd appreciate it if tonight at dinner you remember you are supposed to be both our friends, and maybe I don't know- act like it."
With that he drags me by the hand into the elevator that Paul had held open for us.
When the doors close Paul finally breaks his silence, "Torchy you okay?"
"Yeah nothing unusual about any of that, sorry you had to see it though."
AJ jumped in then, "are they always that insensitive and intrusive?"
Dylan and I look at each other. Were they? Had I been like that too? I know Dylan hadn't, he never involved himself in others business, but maybe I had. I mean I called Kelly out for dating Jake, for dressing in the witches costume at Halloween, I had warned Steve about his gold digger of a girlfriend, and while my intentions had been good all those times maybe I had set a precedent that this was acceptable. That friendship allowed you to pass judgement, have unlimited access.
Camille wanted me to be honest with myself but she never judged me. She did encourage me to look at my actions a little closer but it wasn't with judgment. Rather she wanted me to own my choices, trust in myself, consider everything and then have the courage to walk whatever path I chose. Had I been able to convey that message to my friends in the same way? That I'd support them regardless.
While I was trapped in my thoughts reviewing for the millionth time all my interactions with the gang over the last two years, Dylan responds. "Healthy relationships aren't a staple in Beverly Hills. Entitlement in all things is the general order."
The guys and Dylan fell into a conversation that took us to their suite door, where we agreed to meet for a drink before dinner once they got back from catching up with some friends of Chris's. We then went on to our room and I excused myself to unpack. A few minutes later Dylan came in and closes the door.
He sits on the bed, "did they get to you that much?"
I stop unpacking our bags and come and sit next to him. "No. Do you think I am judgemental?"
"Okay, where did that come from?"
"What AJ asked, it made me think if they are maybe I am too. I mean Emily Valentine, Kelly's costume at Halloween, Steve's Pretty Woman want to be girlfriend, Kelly dating Jake, Donna dating David. I'm just wondering if I'm living in a glasshouse expecting them to not throw stones when I already have."
He scoots us back to lean against the pillows. "Each one of those times you were trying to protect one of them from being hurt, and in Donna's case maybe prevent her from experiencing a little social criticism from the West Bev gossips."
"Yeah but the way I went about it, look what I did to Emily at that welcome bbq?"
"Baby I was there, you got jealous, and okay a little mean but it made you come back to me so I've got no complaints. Then you made it right, you owned it, you apologised. Bren you don't have to be perfect, I know your OCD -"
"I don't have OCD!"
"I know your OCD, your stress response that makes you obsessively control your surroundings and makes you strive for perfection is hard to fight but you never have to be perfect. You are human." He pulls me closer to him. "So you made a teenage comment that was made from a place of jealousy, you admitted it was wrong and apologised. That's not the same as what the gang is doing."
"Really? So Steve isn't jealous of you and constantly speaks before he thinks?"
"Okay, Steve most likely just doesn't think at all, and I do realise he looked remorseful at the end."
"And I can't even believe I'm saying this… and Kelly is not just jealous and lashing out at me like I did at Emily Valentine?"
"God I love you." He pulls me tighter. "You're trying to understand someone who has hurt you badly, you are amazing. The difference is that you had the right to be jealous, she doesn't."
"That's not what you said at the time, back on the lawn at school. I thought you said I wasn't allowed to comment on your sex life since I no longer wanted to be a part of it."
"Yes, well I had spent months begging you to come back, and then when I attempt to date you get angry." He picks up my hand and starts studying my fingers. "Did I ever tell you about my date with Emily?" As I go to interrupt he ignores me and continues, "I spoke about you, I told her I couldn't be serious about anyone else."
"And the girl in Baja that summer, when you were begging me to take you back?" I could hear the sarcasm in my own voice. Jealousy still alive and strong it seems.
"She was a surfer I knew from the beach. I intended to get one room but by the end of the drive there I regretted bringing her. Hell from the moment I invited her I regretted it, but you didn't want me. You had run away, so I convinced myself I'd go back to my old ways. Be the Dylan I knew how to be, and not let anyone in again. By the time we reached Baja I got two rooms and we surfed. She knew Rosalita so well as I hid away reading and feeling bad about us. Besides surfing I barely hung out with her."
"You didn't tell me?"
"I didn't want to give you a reason to take back us. Have you leave me again."
"You have to stop hiding things from me. Even with us as friends, if I'm ever going to feel confident that you are telling me the truth no more lies." Guilt ran through me- I am such a hypocrite. I was making him be honest and yet I am now the one omitting the truth.
Wanting to distract myself from my own guilt, I scratched a metaphorical scab that was no where near healed. "Does Kelly think she has the right to be jealous? Does she think you wanted more?"
"She knows that I… that I didn't." He stops and runs his hand through his hair. "Are you sure? You haven't wanted to discuss this and I don't want you upset, I don't want to keep hurting you."
"I'm not sure, but I'm unarmed every time I'm around them, I don't ever want to be blindsided again. So start from the beginning… once I left."
"I thought I'd get help while you were away, I'd talk to Ben, but I was afraid, maybe he wouldn't support our relationship any further, that I'd have to leave you to get better, that you wouldn't want me when you found out. All I knew was that I was afraid to get help, and I couldn't drink- I'd promised you, and if Jim found out he would have kept me away for good this time. Anyway, I began spending time at the Beach Club and Kelly would come past to say hi. Wasn't anything unusual until she saw me writing a letter for Jack's parole hearing."
"I didn't know that Jack was up for parole."
"Yeah he didn't end up getting it, but he asked me to write a letter of support. I was struggling to write anything positive, Kelly was there and I told her, I guess it was the first time I told her personal business the stuff I wouldn't discuss with anyone but you and Brandon." Fuck that hurt. I looked down, I was starting to wring my hands. "She advised me to lie in the letter and so I did."
"Dylan, the steps having honest relationships, you didn't think that was bad advice?"
"At the time I was hiding how bad I was even to myself, hiding all the reasons I wanted you to go to Paris, so to add hiding my feelings for my Dad, well it seemed like another normal response. With Kelly saying it she made it a legitimate action, took some of the guilt away that I'd been feeling for months. It felt good."
"What do you mean all the reasons? Is this the between you and Jim stuff you spoke of last week?"
He nodded his head.
"What did Dad do?"
He looked down. "Bren, you are on such good terms with your parents and they are giving me so much support."
"Dylan, I'm unarmed in this, let me understand my world. Give me that respect."
He was quiet for a minute, eventually he looked at me with a resigned face. "Apart from me wanting you to experience Paris, though I would have taken you eventually, I wanted space to get better. I thought distance would force my hand, make me face my fear head on, and deal with my nightmares."
Trying to get him to open up about my Dad, I prompted. "And my Dad had threatened to freeze your trust."
"Yes, but Iris would have stepped in. It was a baseless threat as she could remove Jim for such an action."
"Then…"
He breathes out loudly and then unceremoniously lifts me to sit between his legs, wrapping his arms around me and leaning his head on my shoulder. Before I can protest he whispers, "he threatened to accuse me of statutory rape." What? "While we are the same age I'm emancipated."
I remove his arms then twist around to face him. Dylan moves down the bed and I move closer.
"I'm so sorry I didn't know he was capable of that." He looks destroyed by even the thought of someone accusing him, of associating that word with us. He was three weeks older than me, it was always consensual. "Baby, I didn't know." I pull him into a hug.
I begin to cry and I can feel Dylan who has buried his head in my neck beginning to shed some as well. Rubbing my hand through his hair I try to soothe him. "You are my family, my parents claimed to be your family. This isn't how you treat family, this isn't how you treat the one's you love. I'm so sorry, this wasn't your fault, you did nothing to deserve that."
Into my neck he mumbles. "He was scared, he knew something was off with me, by then you knew as well. Your OCD had gone through the roof, you were like a Susie Homemaker over night, I was avoiding the house to try and stop you seeing my erratic behaviour, getting angry at you for making me feel so off balance. It was a mess, he panicked."
"But he doesn't get to panic with that, he doesn't get to be the third parent to abandon you. To threaten you with lifelong impacts." I keep rubbing his hair, he holds me tightly breathing me in. I had no idea my dad was capable of this, I was so fucking innocent to what he could do.
After I begin to process everything he had gone through I understand him more. "We really set you up for a perfect storm didn't we?"
He pulls back and stares at me. "No I own it. For too long I've justified it. Flirting with her, distracting myself from the pain of missing you, self medicating on the rush of escapism she fleetingly offered me, convincing myself that it was the better option than me becoming totally reckless. That any substitute for you could take the edge off." He lifts me so I am now straddling him, and I lean back slightly to look down at him meeting his eyes. "Your Dad wasn't to blame, nor the shooting, nor the nightmares. I'm to blame, I'm the one who became friends with her, and took it too far."
"Did you like her? If I wasn't around could you have fallen for her?"
"You know she chased me in Freshman- flirted with me even when she was dating Steve?"
"Yes she told me at the slumber party and she tried to get a date with you when we first got together, but that doesn't answer the question."
"I said no each time. She's a chameleon she'll pretend to like whatever the person she wants likes. She watched an old movie with me, went jet skiing, we babysat Erin, she never asked for more but she was trying to fill your shoes. Even when you got back she started to side with me, supporting my lack of college and life plans, wanted to discuss my motorcycle, wanted my attention. If you are asking if I want her, no she wasn't real. Could I have fallen for her? She'd have tired of the act eventually, I imagine it would have also really messed with her self-esteem. You can't play pretend for that long without realising how inferior you feel. Do I dislike her? No. Do I feel guilty for hurting her? Yes. She like the rest of us is messed up, I made it worse for her- took her best friend away from her."
I had been silent as Dylan spoke. Dylan's information about my Dad had drained me, leaving me numb to be able to hear this with little infliction caused.
"It wasn't nothing but it wasn't something."
"Yeah that about sums it up. It was nothing like us, this. There was no intimacy, no love, nothing genuine from either of us. It was a game of pretend."
It was his Rick experience, just longer and wrapped up in lies.
After I had been silent for a long time, processing all this new information Dylan gently asks. "What's going on in that beautiful head of yours?"
"She's angry, jealous. David is continually supporting his sister he feels bad for her. They both think I've ruined her shot at her dream guy. It was real to her even if she wasn't being real to herself."
"You know I'm not a dream. It's the illusion she likes the reputation, looks, money, and independence, if she got me she'd learn quickly that's not who I am."
"It is a part of you but no it's not everything, and definitely not the best parts of you."
With that there is a knock and Camille calls through the door. "Brenda we are going for sound check we will be back in an hour."
I call back. "Okay have fun."
I look at the time we had been in here for an hour, I feel wrecked.
"I think I'm going to go run a bath, I need to soak for a while."
"You know bosom friends are very close, they often help each other out like washing the others back in the bath." He puts his best flirty smile on, "you know I'd hate for you to get lonely in there, I could keep you company."
"Yes that sounds like what friends do." The sarcasm dripping from my voice.
"Really, great I'll go start the bath." Dylan pretends to get up which causes him to shift against me, my breath catches.
Noticing the energy change he holds still. "Your eyes just got darker." He moves again, I close my eyes. He leans in and runs his nose up my neck to my ear, my breathing becomes loud in my head. "Baby, just say the word." He is quiet for a few minutes just breathing me in, no space between us.
He eventually breaks the spell by lifting me up, "I'll go run your bath."
Two hours later I leave the bedroom to find Dylan dressed and talking to Camille and David, catching the tail end of the conversation. "It's about 15 minutes to 30 minutes behind."
"What are you talking about in here?" He turns sparkling eyes at me.
"You look beautiful. I was just explaining Brenda time, it seems you've been able to hide that you have your own time zone."
I roll my eyes at him- Dick! "McKay, shall I start in on you?"
He smiles and lifts his eyebrows. "Yes, 100% up for that idea." He looks to Camille and David. "Sorry we are going to have to miss dinner but how could I pass up such an offer?"
I think over my threat and I feel my cheeks burn. "That's not what I meant."
David starts to chuckle and he rubs his palms together. "This is going to be so much fun getting to know you both together." He looks at Dylan. "So what other insights can you tell us about our girl?"
Shit. "Don't even think about it Dylan. You aren't to sit next to each other at dinner."
Camille stands and moves beside me, she wraps a supportive arm around my back. "We will sit between the children."
"Awesome. Dylan it means we can tease them both." Dylan laughs out loud at David's comment.
The drinks with the guys were fun, and by the time we were on our way to dinner I could tell Dylan was having a good time. He appeared more relaxed than he had in many months. As we approach the restaurant laughing the gang is waiting out the front. The mood shifts some but Paul, David and Dylan refuse to surrender and keep the laughs going in spite of our new company.
As planned Camille and I sit between David and Dylan, with the guy's spreading out throughout the remainder of the group. After ordering a round of drinks the table went quiet perusing the menu, though Dylan noticing I was cold in the air conditioning excused himself to go grab my jacket in our room. As he stands he asks, "Bren would you mind?" and points at the menu. With a simple head nod I continue now planning both our meals.
The waiter arrives a few minutes later and once everyone else orders it's my turn. Dylan and my appetisers were simple but Dylan's entrée required some modifications.
"He'll take the steak medium rare, I notice though it comes with roasted almonds and broccoli could this be substituted?"
"Of course. We could replace with the beetroot chips?"
"Hmmmm as there is beetroot with his fish appetiser he'll grumble that it's too much, is there something else?"
"The chef does a lovely mint pea purée with the lamb dish, I'm sure he could substitute that for the broccoli."
"Thank you that would be great." I beam at the waiter and hand back the menus.
As I turn back to the table I notice it was quiet, with Camille and David appearing amused.
"What did I miss?"
"Torchy, you sure you two aren't secretly married?"
"Funny, it was just a dinner order."
"Brenda, I'm pretty sure no one knows me well enough to order like that for me."
Hopefully, Samantha could. "I'm sure that's not true Steve."
Suddenly, I feel a jacket get draped over my shoulders. "What's not true?"
"Jones we were just commenting on Brenda's ordering skills." Dylan threw my brother a questioning look. "My sister had to make some changes to your order."
I roll my eyes, why was everyone making such a big deal. "They are just carrying on over nothing. I got you the fish appetiser it comes with a spicy beetroot chutney, and the steak for your entree but I had the roasted broccoli removed and replaced with mint peas."
Dylan looked confused, "thank you that sounds delicious, but I don't understand."
I reach for my water. "Neither do I."
Steve jumps in. "She's skipping over their first offer of another beetroot side with the steak."
Dylan gave a disgruntled face. "That would've been too much beetroot." The table cracks up.
I grumble, "that's what I said you say."
Dylan smiles getting that I was being teased for knowing him so well.
"So as I said before, Torchy you sure you guys aren't secretly married?"
Dylan smirks at his new friend. "No Paul, but that's a great idea. Bren what do you say, a Vegas wedding could be fun?"
I knew he was teasing, a Vegas wedding would never be my thing unless I had gone through a lobotomy. "Is that something else friends do?"
He swings his arm around my chair and leans in. "Absolutely."
"Your definition of friendship needs to be reviewed."
From across the table Kelly remarks. "Don't I know it."
Ice water runs down my spine, Dylan's eyes shut. The lightness between us is replaced with tension. Even after this afternoon, I wasn't ready for this to be discussed in front of everyone.
Though she wasn't finished. "So you're pretending to be friends. Cute. Brenda can I ask why is it okay to forgive him and not me?"
I calmly respond. "Kelly, I'm sure no one wants to have this as dinner conversation."
"Actually, this maybe the perfect time, I mean little sister I've been trying to get you for months to talk about it so you could get over it. This maybe the perfect time to get it all out on the table, hear Kelly's side and then move on."
Oh fuck.
"I'm sorry Brandon it maybe due to English not being my first language, but it sounds like you believe there could be a justification that Kelly could offer." Camille spoke perfect English and had done so since she was a child being raised in a bilingual home. "Because where I sit what excuse could a best friend have for going after her friend's boyfriend?"
Kelly's back was up, Camille had called her out in front of everyone. Her tone screamed her anger, even when she tried to mask it by speaking quietly. "I'm sorry and you are?"
"Your host." Camille responds without missing a beat. This woman was fierce, it's why David's career had grown so fast, Kelly wouldn't be able to compete.
Dylan came in then, "Kelly this isn't the time." He then turns stern eyes on my brother. "Brandon I usually don't interfere with you and your sister's relationship, I respect your twin bond, but your gauge on that bond is faulty if you think that."
"Dylan you are right, you shouldn't interfere."
Ray who was sitting next to Andrea catches my eyes and mouthes to me asking if I was okay, I shake my head. He stands and comes to my chair.
"Princess, let's go for a spin on the dance floor."
Dylan not breaking eye contact with my brother reaches for my knee and squeezes it gently then releases it.
I stand and escape the table. While Ray spins me around I can see Dylan in a heated conversation, however by the time we make it back the table is tense but quiet. It wasn't till halfway through the appetisers that Chris was able to start a conversation about must see Vegas haunts that dinner was able to return to a stilted but more casual tone.
David's concert had been phenomenal, and between Dylan, Camille and the guy's I danced the whole night, except for one song. Paul had returned me back to our table as the familiar beat started, knowing I felt weird dancing to my own music.
After the set, Camille and David headed off to make an appearance at hotel drinks for the high rollers, an obligation to show off the hotels star power. The guy's still full of energy chose to continue down the strip leaving Dylan and I with the gang. I was walking with Donna and Andrea through the quiet hotel shop lobby on our way to the closest elevators.
"I thought he was going to play the new song."
"No he is leaving it for his final show- tomorrow night."
Andrea who had not been at the house for thanksgiving voices her excitement. "I can't wait to hear it, I heard it's excellent."
Nikki who is next to Donna voices concern. "Will Dylan be alright with it though?" I freeze and look at my brother then back to Nikki.
My brother wouldn't break a trust, so maybe I was reading too much into Nikki's words. "What do you mean?"
"Brandon mentioned that he had some sort of panic attack yesterday, that's why you were upstairs for so long."
"What, Dylan are you okay?" Dylan turns to look at Andrea baffled by her tone and question.
"Yeah I'm fine."
Donna decides to clarify, "Nikki said you had an attack yesterday." His eyes spin to mine and I'm sure he can see the fire burn in them. I break eye contact and glare at my brother, who has suddenly found the floor interesting.
Not looking up he lightly chastises his girlfriend, "Babe that was told in confidence."
Dylan moves closer to me. "Brother it shouldn't have been told at all, Dylan's life is not for gossip."
He gets his back up at that and meets my eyes, "I was telling my girl, we don't keep secrets we talk to one another like mature people." Was he seriously criticising Dylan and I after he had breached our trust?
"That's fine you can tell her all you want about your life, but you have no right to bring up Dylan and my private business."
"I didn't realise my twin and brother were not part of my life but it's nice for you to finally admit it, that you've locked me out of your life since Baja."
"What?"
"Don't deny it, ever since that trip you've been so self-centred, running away from home, leaving without telling me, lying to me, focused only on Dylan… well until you found out about the summer, then he was dropped too. Along with what remained of your friendships here. And what do you get for all your selfishness, a trip to Paris, your ex boyfriend having permission to share your bed with full parental acceptance, allowed to stay out all night, skip school whenever you want, Dad taking you car shopping next week, treated like the perfect daughter by not only our parents but his as well, oh and to top it off permission to go to Vegas with your new friends." He smirks at me. "Though, I'm sure you cried when Mum and Dad told you that you had to take me along. I'm well aware I wasn't wanted here by my twin, no I'm my brother's babysitter for this trip." He runs his hand through his hair. "And you want to have a go at me for reaching out talking to my girlfriend, when you MY twin, MY other half- NOT HIS, stopped talking to me months ago. Kicked me out of your life because I dared not to go along with the Brenda drama."
Dylan having stood next to me the whole time was now vibrating in anger, if he was set off by a fear of my safety I can't imagine how my brothers attack was playing out in his mind. He needed out of here but he wouldn't leave without me.
Brandon. Brandon was just as angry as Dylan, maybe more, I could feel it. It finally made sense our twin bond had been laying in a swamp of anger, hurt, resentment, rejection- his honesty had put it all on display, a swamp made of all the things he never said.
Before I break from Brandon's penetrating stare and pull Dylan away, I reply to my brother's onslaught. "I was wondering where some of my resentment was coming from, it seems twin your unspoken and unchannelled anger at me has been seeping through our connection. I never expected dishonesty from you, I thought we had- it doesn't matter, I guess it was another thing, person I was wrong about."