Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210. None to Bitch written by Shelly Peiken and Meredith Brooks produced by Geza X performed by Meredith Brooks.
Chapter Fifteen: Bitch
I could kill Dylan sometimes. Giving David ammunition to tease me was never advised, but to share something only so recently made clear to me with the gang was frustrating as hell. I couldn't have a go at him though, he was trying to stand up for me and I appreciated the sentiment, even if the execution needed some work. After I reached my limit with David's teasing for one night, I made my way into the bedroom, I needed sleep. It had been an emotional day even prior to my twins explosion, and while I thought I had processed all the information about Dylans fling, I had yet to truly tackle my fathers involvement and disgusting false accusations, or my brothers hatred for me.
Before Dylan had come back into our suite from Brandon's room, David had advised me that he wanted me in the studio tomorrow. Even without anything prepared he wanted me to just take out my emotions on a piano or rant through my music. He said nothing had to eventuate from it, but he was concerned that I was holding it all in, that I wasn't angry. He wanted to give me a safe space to let it out. I was worried about going to a new studio and being found out, but Camille had promised me that she would arrange for my lawyer to send out the NDAs needed for all the employees there first thing in the morning. It would allow me to be protected as the last thing I needed was to be found out. I didn't need the media attention already around Raven finding its true target me, and I didn't need more false people in my life, I had my fill.
Dylan was right behind me in my exit from the main room. I was nervous that my earlier declaration would make him feel like he could take liberties I wasn't ready for, but he was so respectful. As we finished brushing our teeth, he had simply squeezed my shoulder, wished me a goodnight and climbed into his claimed side of the bed. He didn't touch me for the rest of the night. It gave me confidence that I had made the right decision. Well I couldn't call it a decision as I don't think it was ever a choice, it was more a realisation. With Dylan giving me space, understanding not yet meant not yet, gave me faith that informing him earlier in the bath was the right thing to do. Camille had told me it could be cruel to let it carry on too long if forgiveness wasn't on the cards, and at the time I wasn't ready to admit it was possible. Hearing his story, the storm of events that led up to the summer, well it didn't excuse it, but it made me understand more. I had slipped, I had found my own forty-eight hour game of pretend, and I wasn't going through even a quarter of what Dylan was, maybe if I had been I would have run away for longer too. No he wasn't excused and I wasn't ready to jump back in, but I could now see there was a path to forgiveness, to building something stronger where these slips would not occur again. He was still the person I wanted in that house in Palm Springs with our grandkids, even if he did have a bloody big mouth.
The morning with Camille, David and Dylan had been restorative. It had taken place all in French, a simple pleasure I know David and Camille appreciated after so long in the States. Dylan was also pleased, he kept beaming each time he realised I could keep up with the quick pace of the conversation or when I demonstrated my expanding French vocabulary. He later told me when he came to chat to me as I put my makeup on for the day, that he was altering his dream. I had simply raised an eyebrow in wonder at what he was on about. He wanted our son to learn French first at home. Let his grandparents and the guys teach him English when they visited. I didn't miss the absence of the gang or his uncle from that list of visitors, but I didn't raise it. I did point out that if he wanted a bilingual child I would prefer the child not just be fluent in English cuss words that I am sure the guys would inevitably teach them. He laughed at that and declared he hadn't thought of that. He then advised he would need to consider his plan further but he would get back to me. I rolled my eyes, and as I left the bathroom I told him he had plenty of years to figure it out before the plan would be needed. He had simply laughed and called back that he also wanted to discuss that timeline, but we could wait till I was ready and he was better.
Dylan was buzzing, and I got it, he had been in a dark place for months, hell for over half a year. This was the first happy, positive focus he had, and one that he could enjoy without the fear of his night terrors. He was buzzing in the light, and I could play along. I knew once we returned from Vegas, and his therapy really kicked in that he would need that light to chase away some of the darkness he had to battle through. If he wanted to hold onto our fictional child and the hope, promise of a family of his own, one that could never be taken from him, then I would give him that. Even if his timeline was sooner than I envisioned.
David had been right the studio had done exactly what I needed it to do, it tapped into my anger and allowed me to figure out where I stood with my brother. I didn't trust him and I didn't trust he respected me- what that meant for us though, I wasn't sure yet. After recording Ray's track, David declared that tonight was a night to make memories and let the drama go. He had insisted that we leave the studio and buy new clothes for the festivities, and declared we had to be ready for an all nighter. He hadn't lied.
We had got back to our hotel room, me with a new dress and a shirt and Blazer for Dylan, and David with a new suit for himself and a dress for Camille. When he had rushed into the room declaring he was in charge and that we were all under his command for the rest of the trip, Camille had got worried and advised her husband to remember that not all of us had our passports with us. When Dylan questioned the need for a passport, she clarified that the last time he was in one of these moods they had started the evening in Paris and had ended up catching the last plane to London that night. It was two days before they had returned home. Dylan had looked at me then and asked if he could hold my ID just in case, as he didn't want to be held up at any international borders again. As I left the room to go get ready I had flicked him the bird. A few minutes later I could hear both David and Camille laughing and I was back to wanting to kill Dylan. David did not need more ammunition.
The night had started off with drinks for the over 21s, well except Paul he never drank, so it was soda's for the three of us. We bar hopped around the old Vegas strip, dancing and eating way too much greasy food. We made it back to the club for David's set where he insisted we hold the position in the main section in front of the stage. He wanted to be able to look out and see us having a good time. It was a sweet way of making sure the gang who still had passes for the VIP section were avoided. The night had been a raging success, and the mood only slightly shifted when David dropped our new song at the end. Dylan who had kept a respectful distance all night, spending most of his time with Ray and Paul had moved closer to me when David made the announcement of the world premier. I had reached out to him then and he hugged me from behind as we watched David mix the track live. It had been surreal sharing one of my releases with Dylan. I know he felt my actions were in fear of the songs memories for him, which they were, but it also gave me as much comfort. Releasing my music made me nervous, doing it live was petrifying, but his arms gave me a protection from the potential disappointment if they hated it. Even if he wasn't aware that is what he was doing, his arms made me feel at ease. It made me want them around me each time I released a new track.
After the show we moved onto a late night magic act at one of the Vegas casinos. David had a weird interest in magic and was obsessed with the idea of illusions. Camille spent most of the time trying to convince him that he couldn't jump on stage and that he wasn't allowed to start incorporating magic into his set- no one wanted a disappearing DJ. With his magic wish destroyed, David decided that he needed a pick me up and what better way than to recommit to the love of his life. Though his justification for his choice of officiant did lead to a lot of carry on. David being the new god of music declared that to marry Camille again, he would need to do so in the presence of the original god of music, Elvis. This had caused Ray, Chris, AJ and David to get into a long and exhausting debate over the original music kings, one that allowed for plenty of time for Camille and I to shop for a new wedding dress for her. She wanted the most tacky thing she could find to commemorate the event, I of course was her maid of honour so I needed an equally hideous sequenced outfit, and both of us decided to carry on the theme with large curly and teased hair. Dylan who had avoided the debate, had been commanded by the god of music to buy a baby blue suit for the groom and one for himself as best man. Paul though got the raw end of the hideous deal, Camille insisted he be a combined flower girl and ring bearer.
The wedding had been unique, especially with Chris in charge of choosing the most cliché wedding music, and Ray and AJ being the official photographers. AJ had taken sole responsibility for capturing the wedding party, including the bride and groom. Ray though had decided that he needed to be Paul's personal photographer, taking a whole disposable camera of images of Paul in his flower girl dress. He kept saying the tattoos really brought the aquamarine colour of the taffeta dress to life, and would make for great photos. We all had insisted on duplicates of that roll of film. The early morning eighties inspired wedding, was followed by a burger and champagne reception. Dylan and I being the best man and maid of honour, made a joint speech that ripped apart David and praised Camille for Saint Hood, for marrying him twice in one year. While the former pretended to be outraged, the latter beamed and cheered.
Thinking the fun was nearly over, we were surprised when David ushered us onto a private bus at 4:30 am. An hour later we were pulling up into an airport, where he had booked us all for a sunrise champagne breakfast in the Grand Canyon. The only downside was that it was via helicopter. Dylan had to hold me the whole time to stop my fear of heights taking over. Though as soon as the Canyon came into focus there was no fear to be found. It was an interesting experience, we had all been hyped up for hours but on seeing the Canyon we had all stilled, and on landing inside it we had all sat quietly, reverently together, in our wedding outfits. We didn't speak for a long time and just huddled together absorbing its beauty. Humbled and accepting of our minor place in the world's magic.
By the time we made it back to the hotel we were exhausted, and only had enough time to shower and pack before our flight. We arrived at the airport before the gang, and while David, Ray, Chris and AJ had decided to continue drinking on the plane, I couldn't stomach the idea of another soft drink and Camille was looking that way about champagne. So with Dylan and the Flower keeping watch, Paul's detested new nickname, Camille and I snuggled up on the lounge and fell asleep.
I could blame what happened next on the minimal amount of sleep, or the fact that their actions had awoken me. I could blame it on too much sugar from all the sodas, or the fact that I hadn't eaten anything that wasn't fried since breakfast the previous morning. But in reality it was none of those things. When I realised his misconception I could of deescalated the situation, but I was tired of taking the high road. Everyone had their limits, and while it was also lovely that my guys, Camille, David and Dylan wanted to defend me, I was no damsel in distress. I was more than capable of standing up for myself. I was more than capable of harnessing my inner bitch.
As the door slammed we were all quiet for a moment.
"Well, he seems pissed." Seriously Steve.
"I mean it's sweet, but is he actually serious about all that forever talk?"
"Oh please Donna, you think an eighteen year old multi-millionaire is going to marry the first girl."
Was he serious? "Steve, I don't think Brenda is the first girl - "
"Not in that way Andrea, like the first girl to mean something to him." Well that made sense.
"My sister doesn't mean something to him, she means everything to him."
"But this summer while we were in Paris… you know." We all struggled to talk about it still.
"Donna you can say it, when Dylan and I were together. It meant something, I could see it, David you saw it, right?"
"Yeah he seemed into you."
"See, this forever talk is just rubbish. He said he wasn't well and that's what this is. He's just clinging to what he knows."
"Kel, I'm not sure about this summer, you're right though he's not okay, but my sister is the reason he isn't okay."
"Why? Brenda's the reason he's drinking again?"
"David where the hell did you get the idea he was drinking again?" Brandon seemed confused by the suggestion. Leading David to clarify his thinking.
"Well, isn't he? Isn't that why he's at your place, he is detoxing? I mean he's been looking like hell for months, and barely talks to anyone."
Donna then voiced a concern we had all discussed at length. "He's pretty thin now. I mean he always has been, but he is much thinner than usual."
Maybe they were onto something. "That could also explain him lashing out at us tonight. Brandon, Dylan coming off drinking or pills would create some significant withdrawals, it could make him irrational."
"It could also explain his changing moods since the summer. I mean when school got back he sometimes was all friendly, and the next he was warning me to stop acting so moody. Don't even get me started on the conversation we had at his locker. My Mum got that way when she was on a bender, really erratic. Brandon he's been staying with you guys for what a couple of weeks? The detox would be over but the cravings would be pretty bad. I mean seriously what was Brenda thinking bringing an alcoholic to Vegas? Is she trying to keep him dependent on her?" Kelly had raised some good points, he had appeared to be struggling a lot this year.
"Guy's Dylan is sober, has been since Brenda said they couldn't be together if he continued drinking. He hasn't touched a drop since and that was over a year ago. He's not on drugs either, he's clean." Brandon was so stressed, even as he spoke he kept pulling on his hair, it was going to fall out if he continued. "Look he is here Kel, because Brenda is here, he had some kind of stress, panic, reaction to her being in that hold up."
Steve responded in disbelief. "At The Pit? Brandon that was like six months ago."
Oh that makes sense. "No Steve it was seven, around the time he stopped sleeping." Panic attacks, sleeping issues, erratic behaviour, not eating… "Brandon does Dylan have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? I mean the symptoms fit."
"Chief, I don't know if he has a diagnosis. He doesn't talk to me a lot since he moved in. He spends time with my parents and his mum, surfs some mornings, studies in Brenda's room, or their room as he has taken to calling it. Waits for her to get home from work, if she's gone too long he gets a bit funny, and usually waits with my Dad in the lounge room for her to get back. If she's home he reads or studies on the window seat in her room while she studies on the bed. They don't talk much but that's when he is the most calm."
Okay his behaviour is starting to make sense. "So something about the hold up triggered some sort of anxiety thing, maybe PTSD maybe not, but he finds Bren calming. That explains why he sits out the front of the student centre each day."
"Yeah like a stalker."
"Steve you're not helping."
"But it is creepy, come on admit that it's creepy?" Did Steve have a point, I mean even when Brenda wasn't speaking to him he would sit by the student centre daily. I'm sure it was uncomfortable for her.
"I think it's creepy."
"Thanks little guy. See David agrees with me."
Donna trying to understand the situation, ignores both Steve and her boyfriends remarks. "So Brenda is like his comfort blanket, security?"
"See I told you it's not love that is keeping him there it's a weird dependency." Was Dylan in love with Brenda? I used to think so but hearing Kelly talk about the summer, and his anxiety about the holdup maybe it is a comfort, or like Kelly just said a dependency.
"No Bren is not his comfort blanket. Look from what I understand, his anxiety is around Brenda. He… see's her dead every night in his sleep. That's why he doesn't sleep, and look when he does and he has those nightmares, it is like nothing you have ever seen. They aren't normal. It took me forever to wake him, and when I finally did he got physically sick. He couldn't speak. My parents and I were discussing calling his sponsor, hell we even talked about a doctor but then Brenda came home, and well he came out of it." Oh poor Dylan.
"Brandon that happens every night? No wonder he needs to stay with Brenda if she can get him out of the nightmares that's good."
"No Chief, she doesn't take him out of the nightmares, they just don't happen if she is there."
Wait now I was confused. "How does that work?"
"The nightmares are about her. I guess if she is safe next to him then there is no anxiety. She keeps them from happening."
"Well that doesn't sound like a healthy relationship." Nikki was right it didn't sound healthy, and it was a lot of pressure on Brenda.
"No, they aren't in a relationship." I didn't want to contradict Brandon, and tell him that it's probably just a technicality at this stage.
"But he told you they were."
"No David he told Brandon he wanted her back not that they are are back together." Kelly had also picked up the distinction he had in his rant.
"And they won't be."
"What do you mean Brando?"
"You're right this isn't healthy, stalkerish isn't that what you said Steve? I mean you all saw him tonight, making some sort of weird claim on my sister, warning us all away, her friends, her twin, threatening us his supposed friends. He's planning for a pretend future when my sister is only just helping him because she has to. He's not healthy. I thought he was getting better but his erratic behaviour, having a go at us at dinner, asking her to elope, coming down here to yell at me. Yeah, he's not healthy, and if he's like this I don't want him anywhere near my sister, my other half." He had worked himself into such a state that he was now rubbing a closed fist, and staring off into nothing ness- looking like he planning for battle. "I'm going to call my parents in the morning, I think his weird obsession with my sister has gone too far."
The ice cream arrived a few minutes later- late, but I guess it is a massive hotel. We ate lost in are own thoughts then went to bed. The next morning we got up and had a buffet breakfast in the hotel. While Steve and David went to find a casino that may let them gamble, me and the girls went shopping. Well I stuck it out a little while before I went to explore the strip, promising the girls I would meet them back for our afternoon spa appointments. Getting back to the hotel room I noticed Brandon was in the boys room by himself.
"Ace you okay?"
"Oh hey Chief. I'm okay."
"You sure? You look a little lost."
"I got off the phone half hour ago with my parents, they finally returned my phone message from this morning. Something about being at the Santa Barbara's growers markets."
"Did it not go well? You explained Dylan's behaviour last night, what he said?"
"Yeah they weren't happy."
"With Dylan? Are they going to ask him to leave your house?"
"No they weren't happy with me. I told them that Brenda and I had a fight, and then Dylan like an hour and a half later came marching into our hotel rooms having a go at me, at all of us. I told them about his threat, warning me away from my own sister, and about his future delusions about marriage and kids." He looked confused. "Even after all of it they were unhappy with me for fighting with Brenda. I told them it wasn't a big deal just us finally opening up to each other, sharing our issues. I thought it was good that we had both been finally honest with the other. They didn't see it that way. They were mad that I would do it in front of the gang, that I would fight with her when she has enough on her plate. I swear it's like she has them wrapped around her finger."
"What about his marriage talk, your Dad wasn't concerned?"
"No, that he laughed at, and said well at least he's persistent. I tried to tell them it wasn't a joke and he was serious. My Mum told me that they know he is serious, but it's not like they were running off to get married tomorrow. I told her then about the offer of elopement, that at least got their attention. I thought finally, but then Dad started ranting to my Mum that if he didn't get to walk his only daughter down the aisle there will be hell to pay. I told them Brenda had laughed it off. That settled Dad down a little and then he declared he would be having a chat with Dylan about learning the Walsh way, and maybe a joint lecture with grandma Walsh would set him right on the importance of traditions, and knowing the years of lectures he would face if he ever went through with it. Mum calmed him down by pointing out Brenda would not have done it, he then actually said no his daughter would of at least rang them if she had been thinking about it. I swear they think she is so rational- I mean he had to rescue her from the Mexican border six months ago, she ran away from home." He looked at me with a bewildered look. "Honestly, it was a bizarre conversation. It's like they all of a sudden trust her and him, or at least trust they would call them first to advise Mum and Dad of their crazy ideas."
"Brandon, maybe Brenda has changed. I mean she has a job, maintains her position on the honour roll, helps out at the school, runs community events for charities. She's doing a lot, and she's helping Dylan even after what he did."
"Chief you think I'm being too harsh?"
"I think you aren't being a journalist, you aren't looking at all the facts."
"Well, I might still be letting my anger at Brenda for last year cloud my judgement, but Dylan's behaviour isn't okay, you have to see that?"
"From what I know it sounds like he needs help, and yeah until he is doing better you have a right to be concerned for your sister, especially if he is cutting us all out. I mean the seven of us have been his only support. It's not good that he is isolating himself with just Brenda."
"And that's exactly what he is doing. Taking her away from us and then cutting us all out."
I noticed the time then and saw I had to go rush to meet the girls for the spa. I offered to stay but Brandon wanted some time alone, you could see how hurt he was over Brenda, and with Dylan being so unwell it was probably like he lost both of them.
The girls and I had a relaxing time, and while Kelly and I were getting our pedicures I shared my concerns about Brandon. She promised to help me support him, knowing that it was so unfair that he was paying for Dylan and Brenda's drama.
We decided to have a fun night out to hopefully take the focus off the twins. We started with an early dinner, then walked the strip, and ended the night at David's show. At first we couldn't find Brenda and Dylan, and Brandon was getting worried until Donna spotted them in the crowd on the dance floor. For the rest of the night Brandon kept a close eye on both of them, but it wasn't till Raven's new song played, and Dylan was holding Brenda did he start to get angry. Luckily Kel was good enough to drag him to the VIP dance floor, where Nikki and Donna had been all night.
The night wrapped up after Raven's new phenomenal track and as we walked back to the rooms I asked David if he wanted to write a review of it for The Blaze, he was hesitant until Kel advised she'd help him. She loved Raven's music and adored the new track.
After a lazy morning and a final casino attempt by Steve, we made it to the airport. I was feeling a bit awkward about sharing a plane back, but I hoped it would give the twins a chance to sort out their differences, though getting on the plane and seeing Brenda fast asleep I knew that wasn't possible. David and Ray gave us all a head nod, but didn't say a word in greeting. We quietly retook our seats from the flight there, and within minutes the pilot announced our departure. Everything was going okay until we were touching down in LA. From what I could tell most of them were drunk, and had just begun laughing about photos they had been looking at prior to our arrival. As Ray and Chris started packing them up off the table, they began laughing about an acquamarine dress, Dylan in a blue suit, and the funniest wedding speech ever. Within seconds Brandon was up screaming at Dylan.
"What the fuck did you do?"
"Man I don't know what your problem is, but quieten down Bren and Camille are sleeping."
"Don't tell me to quieten down after what I fucking heard. It wasn't enough to make her look after you, to take her away from her friends, from me, but you had to trap her into marrying you, you her glorified stalker!"
"What the hell is going on? What's all the yelling about?"
"Torchy it seems your brother has an issue."
"Bren, baby it's cool go back to sleep, you've been up all night you're exhausted, I've got this."
"She's been up all night, what are you trying to trap her by getting her pregnant? It's not like you haven't almost before."
"What the fuck man-" Dylan seemed furious at that remark, Brandon had obviously hit a nerve.
Brenda looking still half a sleep sat up. "Brandon seriously what is your problem now? Was I looking too peaceful in my sleep? Was I supposed to ask your permission first?"
"Your husband is my problem." With that David starts to hum the wedding march loudly, and the drunk guy's start to laugh.
Brenda turned to her drunk friend and patiently requested he stop. "David you aren't helping."
"You all think this is funny, that my sister would tie herself to someone who wants to take her away from her friends, take her away from her brother, tie herself to a cheat, someone so unwell- it's the most idiotic thing, most selfish thing she ever has done, but you guys keep laughing." They had stopped laughing when David had ceased his humming on Brenda's request, now though they looked ready to attack with Dylan, David and Paul leading the charge. Though a warning look from Brenda as she stood to face Brandon had all but Dylan conceding that this was her fight to deal with.
"I'm sorry help me catch up, for nearly three months you have wanted me to hear him out, you have gone against my wishes and set up meetings, nagged at me, tried guilt, told me to get over his cheating, stop being so dramatic and forgive the two of them. I think my favourite though was when you told me I was too much work and no wonder he found someone more easy going." Kelly snickered at that making five angry guys and Camille glare at her.
Oh my god he said that to her. Oh Brandon. Dylan looked murderous now, and Camille was holding David's shoulder in a subtle gesture to stay in his seat.
"So after months of that, you are now angry that I am talking to him, I am hearing him out. Now I'm an idiot for doing that. Tell me Brandon is there anything I can do that would be okay in your eyes, or is all this carry on your way of just saying you detest me?" On Friday night Brenda had appeared shocked and hurt, now she just looked fed up.
"He is sick. You're just too naïve to see that. You've always been all dreamy and romantic, and so you probably think him wanting you away from all your friends and me your brother is sweet, but your deluded if you think that. He has just made you his new drug, it's not about you, it's all about him. He wants the pretend life you can offer- his own version of our family, you're just too innocent to see it, and now you stupidly run off and married him. Kelly's right he has some weird dependency issue with you, that's not love. His fear is just making him obsessively cling to what he knows."
"Are you actually telling me that he couldn't love me? That the only worth I have is because he wants a family?" She looked stunned. "I guess I should be lucky that you didn't throw in my value only being tied to my body, or maybe that wasn't an oversight, maybe it was off your list, because neither my personality, intelligence or body could be at all appealing to Dylan. He just see's me as what, his own way to create the Hartley House in real life?"
"Brenda he is not well-"
"Actually, Brandon I have had enough. I have had enough of listening to your theories, your perception of me. I was heartbroken on Friday with my twin feeling that way, hurting that way, but now I actually don't give a fuck. From now on stay away from me."
Brandon throws a hand in the air in frustration. "Still with the dramatics, we share a bathroom sister-"
"We don't have to."
"What are you going to run away back to Dylan's? Have him take care of you, live off his trust fund? Become his concubine?"
"Well, he is my husband after all, right?"
Dylan who had to be held back by Paul for the last few minutes, who I imagine was trying to convince him to let Brenda handle it had reached his limit.
"Enough Brandon. That's more than enough. I am so – I don't even have the words." He then looks at Brenda, and whatever silent communication they have, results in him nodding and grabbing both their bags. He speaks in French to both Camille and David, with Brenda, who doesn't turn away from her brother, adding in her own French message to the pair.
As she walks past Brandon to the now open door he makes one final plea for her to see it from his point of you. "You know you are throwing your life away for him, and when he hurts you again, which he will, what will you have then. Separated from your family, no friends, no career." At that the drunken guy's start cracking up, and Brenda sends Paul a strange look. He immediately makes them stop.
"Brother is this humiliation your way of trying to rescue me from that future, because if it is I don't want or need yours or anyone's help. I have never needed anyone to save me."