Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210. None to Cold Water written, produced and performed by Damien Rice.
Chapter Seventeen: Cold Water
After our conversation Dylan had gone back to the porch to finish working on his bike. He needed time to let it all sink in, even knowing that we had agreed on a Christmas potential change I don't think he was planning on it happening. He had a way of doing that. Pushing thoughts and issues away, not wanting to deal with them, pretend they didn't exist- it was the reason he was currently in this situation. His doctor though had made this plan and communicated it to Iris and had spoken to me over the phone. I had asked for a few days to think about it as I wasn't sure if Dylan was ready and in truth I wasn't sure if I was ready to leave him, but I could see it was time he was stuck.
We had made this perfect little routine of our lives in the last two weeks that was kept to our parents and the guys. We had blocked everything else out, Dylan could happily live in that world forever and so could I, but I knew it had an expiry date that when all the truths would come out he would feel what I had felt so many times in the last few months. Like the ground was crumbling under his feet, that his world was an illusion not real. It was too late to alter that, I had asked everyone to hide my truth, not lie but talk around it. It was a technicality that allowed me some moral comfort, and while at first they all had agreed, understood, I was starting to get push back.
Since acknowledging I did want a future with Dylan in Vegas, they were no longer all on board. Paul having shared his story and started working the AA program together with Dylan was the most vocal. He was now refusing to mislead him, it was against the ideas of the program. The others were not as forthright though they were giving me looks and making grumblings. Even my father who since clearing the air with Dylan after Vegas had decided that as a permanent member of the Walsh family he deserved to be treated with honesty. I pointed out that Brandon didn't know, and he had simply advised me that my brother was going through a maturity and entitlement crisis. That the recent events around the football game of the pig skin prom, the handing over of joint editor responsibility when he didn't want it and when Andrea had worked so hard for it, and all his recent female attention had gone to his head. He was on ego overload and needed to deflate first, have his feet on firm ground before he was let in to my confidence. Dylan though was another story. Though they all did see that the recent media hype could actually set him back, make him more concerned for my safety increase his anxiety. This was another reason I had agreed to his doctors plan, he needed to find his inner strength again not rely on me for it and he needed to find it before I told him something that could alter his life, his plans for us.
After putting the new linens in the wash I put out the new pillows and moved the Christmas presents to the top of the wardrobe in our room. As I was putting the last of the bags up on the shelf I noticed a white jumper hidden on Dylan's side. Taking it down I saw the familiar turtleneck was mine. It was from a Boutique in Minnesota they didn't sell the brand in LA. I couldn't remember packing it and I didn't think my Mum had either, especially as I had unpacked my bags myself. How the hell did it get here? It wasn't a jumper I often wore, and hadn't since sitting in the car with Dylan telling him I was too scared that the emotions were too much and I needed a break. Moving out to the porch, I went to the only person who could solve this mystery for me.
"Dylan how did this get here?"
"How did what…" he turn around to face me and registers what was in my hand, I didn't think Dylan was capable of blushing I was wrong. "Oh, um, so I brought it over here."
"When? In the last couple of weeks since I moved in?"
He begins rubbing the back of his neck, his tell that he was uncomfortable. "No before that." I give him a no nonsense look for him to continue- it was like pulling teeth at times to get Dylan to open up, and while he was doing better he still could drag out a story, especially when he didn't want to share it. "The night you found out, the night I stayed over in Brandon's room, when you were staying with Camille and David. I had a new nightmare, I woke up and needed to feel you close by so I went into your room." I give him a nod to continue. "I opened your wardrobe to I guess breathe in the closest thing to you I could get, and well I saw that. It was the one you wore when…"
I gently say. "I remember."
"Well you came back to me that time, even when I didn't think you were going to. The jumper, I guess it made me believe this time you would as well."
I soften my voice even further, I want him to tell me things, tell me everything. "So you took it." He nods. "And put it in your wardrobe?"
Oh now he is staring at the ground. "I um, only did that the day we cleaned up before Iris arrived." He breathes out. "This is embarrassing."
"Hey remember no embarrassment between us, you lost your illusion of cool to me on our first date. I fell in love with the real you not the image." At that he meets my eyes again and gives me a weak grin.
"I slept with it for the months you weren't talking to me. It helped at first when I woke up from the nightmares, and after it stopped smelling like you it helped me think you would come back. That you did before." That image is heartbreaking, him in this house all alone fighting those night terrors with only my white jumper for help. It's no wonder he got so bad that he hardly ate, stopped caring what he looked like, stopped surfing. He had a jumper to keep him sane, and well I guess his relationship with my brother- it almost made me want to forgive Brandon. Without his support for Dylan over those couple of months I don't know what would have happened.
"Do you mind if I wash it?" He gives me a confused look. "It's too dirty to wear as is, but I'll wear it over Christmas and well it can sit in my draw with anything else you want me to leave… well over the new year."
He seems surprised. "You're not mad?"
I go over and run my fingers down his cheek. "No your resilience to hold onto your sobriety amazes me, and you being so alone well that breaks my heart." He grabs my hand and kisses the finger tips that give him so much comfort.
"I'm scared of being alone again like that, when you leave."
"You won't. Dylan I've been your only family for so long the only person you trusted, but Baby it's not like that now, you have your mum and my parents they won't abandon you again, you have Paul and the guy's, Camille and David are only a phone call away, and you have the gang." He goes to protest that one. "They aren't perfect, like all of us they are flawed, and they are in desperate need of a dose of the real world- to get out of the Beverly Hills bubble, but I'd like to think- no I know that if you asked them for help they would give it you."
"None of them are you though. None of them carry the other half of me, us in them."
"Well I bloody well hope not, I'm not sharing my soulmate position with anyone- I don't care who may try to convince us otherwise. You and I know, have always known what we are to the other." I give him a smile. "Now enough of all this heavy stuff, there will be plenty of that coming up. What would you like to do tonight?"
"Skies the limit?" He sends me his sexy smirk. It amazes me how quickly he can jump to a one track mind.
I laugh at his persistence. "You know the limits."
"Even the bike limit? You haven't ridden on one since your hai - "
"We don't mention that remember? But you want to go for a ride?" He nods. "It's safe? It's working?" He gives me his get serious look. "Okay."
We spent the night riding down the coast, stopping at a seafood restaurant for dinner. I'm not sure when the bike had become scary for me as I had loved it in sophomore year, but within a few minutes that misconception had passed and I enjoyed leaning into his back, moving with him around the bends.
On Sunday I took my first day off in two weeks, spending the day with Dylan buying gifts, Christmas decorations and a tree. We wouldn't decorate until Iris returned, as I am sure not having had a Christmas in twelve years with her son she would like to soak up each moment. We did however wrap our gifts, some joint from the both of us while others were individual. Camille and David got a joint gift. We had found amusing and outrageous pyjamas sets for the both of them, a new leather bound notebook for David which we had his initials carved into, and a beautiful pair of earrings for Camille. I would send them by courier tomorrow to ensure they arrived in plenty of time for Christmas. I put on a roast for dinner while Dylan lit a fire, and as it cooked we listened to some classical music on the couch while he read and I wrote a song in my notebook. It was a peaceful perfect night.
Monday was hectic getting ready for the Alvarado Street Elementary School Christmas afternoon on Friday. The gifts were starting to come in and I was now coordinating with Donna to get them all wrapped in time. It was more challenging than it needed to be due to the awkwardness between us all since Vegas, but it was for a good cause and I refused to let the Christmas program suffer because of personal dramas.
After dinner at my parents we arrived home to decorate the tree with Iris, she was so delighted that we had waited for her and kept beaming at Dylan throughout the night telling stories of his first few Christmas's. After we finished Iris and I were having our nightly evening tea together chatting about life.
"Mum when did this arrive?" Dylan calls from the hutch in the dining room.
"The mail? Oh this afternoon just as I was leaving for Jim and Cindy's. Why is there something important in there?"
"Yeah there is a letter from the Warden at Dad's prison, they want to offer him the opportunity to come home for the holidays. He'd be released into my care for forty-eight hours Christmas Eve to Boxing Day night. Before they offer it to him I have to agree and fill in a bunch of forms explaining where he'll be over those day's." He comes and sits down with us in the living room. "What do you both think? Jim won't like you being around my Dad, let alone him staying with us, and I can't imagine it will be comfortable for you Mum."
"No your father and I didn't end on the best terms, but Dylan I know from being in therapy with you, well I now know what a better relationship with both of us means to you. Your father and I, well I will make sure we put you first for once and try and get along for two days. That is, if you want him here?"
"Bren what about you? Jim? I mean we are at your parents for Christmas we can't bring him along, I mean your parents wouldn't want him there which means I couldn't go if he was here."
"Dylan if my parents feel uncomfortable uninviting the gang and their families for Christmas after extending the invite at Thanksgiving then they can definitely make room for your dad. Though more importantly they wouldn't say no if you wanted him there, my Dad may grumble may have concerns but they kinda know you are going to be around for a while." He lifts his brow, I reach across the coffee table and squeeze his hand. "I'm sure they've realised Jack would in someway be apart of both our lives."
"And you would be okay with him being here? In our home?" He never spoke of anything being just his anymore, everything that was his was mine. When he finally knew everything I would ensure he knew it went both ways.
"Yes, though hopefully he doesn't mind the sofa bed."
"I'm sure after prison he'll be fine with it." He sighs. "Okay I'll talk to my Doctor in our session tomorrow make sure she thinks it's a good idea and then your parents tomorrow night. If they are all on board I'll complete the forms." While he is trying to be as matter of fact about it as possible I can see he is a little excited and in truth I am too. I had seen Jack on our first date, heard him scream at his son but I had never met him. Dylan's visits since his incarceration had helped their relationship a little, his Dad had encouraged him to take the SATs, was keen on Dylan attending College, and he had sent him home to me last Christmas wanting Dylan to be with me during that time. From what I could tell he wasn't all bad, and I wanted the chance to meet him properly, get to know him.
Both my parents and Dylan's Doctor had some concerns that they voiced but they all agreed that it would be good for Dylan to have this opportunity especially at a time when he had so much support around him. Dylan sent off the forms on Wednesday, that night I arrived home from the video set at around two in the morning. Dylan hadn't waited up, he had tried to sleep by himself. When I arrived in the room he was tossing and turning, and looked uncomfortable in his sleep. I quickly removed my shoes, jeans and jumper and climbed in next to him. In seconds he had wrapped himself around me leaving not even a slither of space between our bodies. He didn't wake though, and while he slept soundly the rest of the night he never once relinquished his hold. It had caused me to lay there for hours wondering if he would be okay once I left. In the morning seeing how closely we were entwined he knew what had happened, what had stopped his nightmare.
"I guess they'll come back."
"At first, but your Doctor told you that it was likely to happen, hopefully though they won't be as intense, and then hopefully not every night."
"If you stayed they wouldn't come back."
"Yes but we might have to spend some nights apart in our lifetime, I'd prefer to know when that did occur you weren't traumatised by the experience." He looks actually confused by that.
"Why would we ever not sleep together?"
"Dylan what about business trips?"
"We would go together."
"Holidays- you may want to take a trip to Baja like you love to do."
"Yes but only if we could go together."
I knew he was bargaining, his Doctor told me the closer to the date it got the more he would try and resist- it was an unconscious response, though he was believing it was logic driving him.
"Well what happens when I give birth, women usually stay a few days in hospital. There's visiting hours - "
"Baby if you even think I would leave you and our child for a moment you need my Doctor more than I do."
"What happens if you decide one day that you don't, can't be with me… what happens if I hurt you -" Pain flashes across his face.
"I thought we decided our slips, summers would stop, we agreed?" Shit he was hurt, that wasn't my goal here. I try to reassure him I wasn't talking about that.
"I won't do that again -"
"Well I won't, I -"
"Dylan there are other ways I could hurt you, we could fight…" I could write songs about our personal life, keep a big secret from you for months, make others you trust do the same.
He must see the fear that was in my eyes because he backs down. "Okay while I can't imagine a scenario where we will ever need to sleep away from each other, I will learn to do it anyway."
"Thank you. Now we have to get up, we have a big day today wrapping lots and lots of kids presents."
The day had been exhausting so much that I rang the guy's at lunch and canceled the studio session for that afternoon. With Friday usually a day we didn't record, and Saturday currently being designated for meetings, and video planning and editing, it meant I would only have one more session with them before Christmas- Sunday when the label asked me to record a last minute Christmas song for a charity radio event. I had taken next week off and I had planned to use that time to catch up on sleep, organise the house and spend time with Dylan. Knowing that we wouldn't see each other much until after Christmas meant the guy's still wanted to hang out tonight, so I went to find Dylan. I found him in the rec room, sitting at a wrapping station fighting with the sticky tape.
"Hey, having fun?" He gives me a withering stare, "I'll take that as a no."
"I can't find the end of the tape." He looks so frustrated that I lean down and whisper by his ear.
"Want me to help? My nails are good for a few things."
He swallows hard, "I remember."
"Keep it clean McKay's." I straighten back up.
"Tony how many times do I have to tell you it was an untrue rumour?" Dylan passes the tape to me.
"Sorry Brenda but I'm not buying it, you guys act too much like of a married couple, hell you've always acted like newlyweds on your honeymoon."
"We have not." I pass the tape back to Dylan now with the end exposed.
Kyle jumps in then. "Please you know you guy's have." He sees my genuinely confused face and laughs, then yells loudly across the room. "Anyone here not caught the McKay's making out?" When no one responds I blush.
Then Tony jumps in. "Okay, so top ten McKay's make out list." I go bright red- Dylan simply moves his chair out and pulls me into his lap. From across the room I can see Brandon looking pissed and Kelly was being consoled by David, then to my utter horror around the room people started calling out.
"Chemistry class" "English class" "Their lawn make out sessions need to come with a rating" "The dance floor of the Spring Dance needed a rating as well" "I'm impressed that they have mastered the art of moving across campus in a lip lock. They never bump into anything."
Dylan intervenes then after I had buried my face in my hands. "Okay you've had your fun."
Tony who loved anyway to get at Dylan and break his cool hard arse image. "McKay come on admit it, you guys got married in Vegas?"
"Sorry Tony we were just in the wedding party of our friends vowel renewal."
"Steve said you asked her though- that right?"
Dylan not phased or embarrassed simply moves a piece of my hair behind my ear. "I pretty much ask her everyday, isn't that right?"
I roll my eyes at him. "No comment." He gives me his sexy smile and in return I give him an indulgent one. "Okay enough of this. We have gifts to wrap."
Within minutes the volunteers are back doing their thing and the room had returned to normal. "Wife did you need something?" I stay seated on his lap, and as always he enjoys teasing me.
"Funny, don't get them started again."
"Oh come on their list was pretty tame, I mean if they were really making a top ten I'd start with - " My hand goes across his mouth to silence him, trying to prevent what I'm sure would be a factual but an inappropriate list.
"Dear not the right time, you can share that one with me when we are alone." He nods. I remove my hand. "But you are right I did need something. I've decided not to work this afternoon as I'm wrecked, but the guy's are sad to miss out on the hang especially as they will be taking next week off. Are you okay if I invite them over for a movie night?"
"Bren it's your home too you don't need to ask, but I don't mind as long as I get to help pick the movies. Are we still planning on going to your parents for dinner?"
"I think I'm going to cancel as I really want a nap but you and Iris should go especially as Dad's away on business tonight?" I yawn then, man I am tired.
"How about I book our Mum's into that new spicy restaurant Iris is desperate to try on Melrose, and I'll take you home, light a fire and we'll chill out all afternoon on the couch before the guy's arrive?"
I lean my head on his shoulder- I could actually fall asleep now. Through another yawn I agree. He must feel my body begin to get heavy. "Okay new plan, let's take you home right now." I must have nodded my head as a second later, Dylan was calling Donna over. Speaking quietly either to not disturb my nearly restful state or not to draw attention to us. "Hey Donna you okay about managing the rest of this this afternoon? Bren's exhausted so I'm going to take her home."
"Is she okay? She's not sick is she?"
"No she's just tired she worked till the early hours of this morning, and we came in early to make sure all the gifts were in and ready for wrapping today."
She agrees and a few minutes later he was guiding me to my locker to collect my bag, and then we were on our way home. I slept most of the afternoon and woke feeling very groggy but knew I had to get up. As I stumbled out of our room still in my blue silk pyjamas I could hear Dylan, Ray and Paul putting the movie list together.
"Hey Torchy, you look all sleepy still."
I nod and move to Dylan's lap, he automatically accommodates me and continues the discussion. I snuggle into him.
"She okay?"
"Yeah Ray she's fine, she's not an afternoon nap person so when she does it just takes her a while to wake up." He runs his hand through my hair, "do you want some tea Bren?"
"Mmm hot chocolate." I can feel his chest vibrate.
"With marshmallows?" I nod.
"Yes please."
I am lifted up then and placed on Ray's lap, "here hold my girl in case she falls off the chair." I knew then Dylan trusted these guy's completely.
"Where's AJ and Chris?"
"Picking up snacks and then mega burgers from The Pit."
"With peach pie?"
Dylan picks up the cordless phone and places both the hot chocolate and cordless in front of his seat. He then collects me from Ray's arms.
"I feel like I'm in pass the parcel."
"Yeah but no one's unwrapping you besides me." I giggle. Both Ray and Paul make gagging noises. "Peach pie? Anything else?"
"Hmm no just the pie please." As he rings I lean forward to sip my drink and grab the list of movies. Picking up the pen I begin crossing out some of their picks and adding a few better choices. Paul tries to take the list away from me then, and in my distraction in trying to prevent that I didn't see Ray swoop in and take it. Once Dylan is off the phone from Nat adding to our order the fight between the four of us begins. Dylan and Paul vetoed my addition of Home Alone, and I refused to see Die Hard 2 as a Christmas movie. Though number one stayed, along with Nation Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. We all agreed on It's a Wonderful Life, I added Miracle on 34th Street and Ray wanted A Charlie Brown Christmas. Dylan goes to collect them, well was the passenger while Paul drives the Porsche. Leaving Ray and I on the couch in front of the fireplace.
"You do know you are crazy about him? I mean a blind man could see that." I nod. "So does that mean you're ready to forgive him, take him back?" I smile.
"I think so but he's not ready yet and when he knows everything he might not want to. Being in the spotlight is not the life he wants, having me sing songs about our personal life well I can't see him being on board for that either."
"Would you give it up for him?"
"The fame well I don't want it, but the music the art. Yeah if he asked I could stop releasing it but…"
"You'd resent him for it."
"I don't know but I fear I may. Though he won't ask, it's not who he is."
"You going to tell him before you go?" A give him a confused look. "Not about the job but about how you feel, that you're ready."
"That I don't know." A few seconds later AJ and Chris come in, then as I am setting out the food Dylan and Paul return. We spend the evening pigging out and managed two movies and Charlie Brown before we called it a night.
The next day was special, for one it was my last day in full time school- thank god as this schedule was killing me. I'd be on campus sporadically next semester though Dylan wasn't yet aware of that, and the other reason was that we were spending most of the day at Alvarado Street Elementary School. The day started well enough, however something was going on with the gang that was making them all try and get out of their volunteering responsibilities. Luckily, I was staying out of it and as Donna was in charge of volunteers it was on her to sort out their drama. The Christmas event had been magical with the cookie decorating station courtesy of the amazing Cindy Walsh, the choir sounded beautiful, Tony made a great Santa, and the football team had arranged some fun games that had the kids running around squealing in delight. As I was walking around checking on everything Mrs T stopped me and introduced me to the Principal. After the thank you's they began discussing the recent district budget cuts that had prevented them from starting their new music and reading intervention programs. I asked what would be needed to get both programs off the ground- money and volunteers. Not phased I asked how much and how many. The Principal realising I was serious offered to chat further about it in her office, Mrs T reassured me she'd manage the Christmas program in my absence.
An hour later I had confirmed that both programs would be funded, and I had volunteered to run both on Monday, the rest of the volunteers I would let her know about. She did ask me about my musical ability before accepting my offer, and after my lawyer had faxed over an NDA and she had signed, I informed her of my musical experience. She needed to know what she was getting into taking me on as a volunteer in case of any future media attention.
On leaving the office I went to check on everything and start wrapping up the days event. I found Dylan sitting across from a kid at a table in an animated discussion, the principal approached me and advised me that it was an unusual scene as the student in question was usually a bit of a loner. I chuckle and stated that like attracts like. She smiled and looked at Dylan, "he's a loner as well?"
"He's learning not to be."
I excused myself then and begin the packing up. Once everyone is ready to leave I go and grab Dylan who is still chatting away at the picnic table, now though with half eaten cookies between them.
"Nope there is no way Batman would win against the Hulk." It was adorable how passionate Dylan sounds.
"Not in a straight up fight but with all his gadgets, the bat plane, he wouldn't even need to be near hulk to beat him."
"I'm sorry guy's to break this up but Dylan it's time to go."
"Bren let me introduce you to Sam." I hold out my hand and we shake.
"Nice to meet you Sam. Have you been schooling Dylan here on Superheroes?"
He went shy but answers. "Yeah. Whose your favourite?"
"I'm a Jem and She-Ra fan myself." He gives me an unimpressed look.
"The girlie music cartoon and Heman's cousin. Superwoman or Batgirl could take both. Don't you think Dylan?"
"Does Batgirl have access to all Batman's gadgets? Cause She-Ra is pretty strong."
"Yes."
"Sorry Bren then your superhero's wouldn't stand a chance."
"Okay I see how this is and I would explain to you both why Jem and She-Ra could win, but unfortunately we are needed back on the bus." Dylan stands. "It was nice to meet you Sam. Merry Christmas!"
"Merry Christmas!"
Dylan holds out his hand for a high five. "Sam thanks for keeping me company this afternoon, and I hope you have fun playing with your new superhero figurines."
"Thanks Dylan. Merry Christmas!"
"Merry Christmas Sam."
As we walk to the bus Dylan puts his hand on my lower back. "You okay?"
"Yeah. I just remember being like that, desperate for someone to talk to. Have a grown up show an interest in what I cared about, not even the paid for Nannies would do that, and Jack didn't." I reach back and lace our hands together, he squeezes my hand. "Bren, Jem seriously?"
"McKay don't hate on Jem she's truly outrageous." He laughes at me.
Dylan seeing that I was tired dropped me back at our place to relax before dinner while he drove with Iris to his session. After checking in with my message service, I returned some business calls then took the Porsche over to my parents. Dad had returned home from his business trip so was home earlier than normal. I filled them in on my day, and my financial and volunteering plans. Mum loved the idea and signed herself up for helping in the reading program on Monday mornings. Dad looked over the details of the program and the allocation of financial resources, essentially it was set just to buy new instruments and some new stage readers. The contribution was ten thousand to set the programs up but if volunteers couldn't be found it would require a further ten thousand for the semester to adequately staff. I thought between myself, my Mum and then hopefully Iris, AJ, Chris and Paul we would have it covered. I confirmed that at either price I wanted to help the school. Dad agreed to arrange the cheque on Monday.
As I was sitting on the kitchen stool helping Mum with dinner by making a salad we begin to discuss cars, I would need one ASAP. That was how Dylan and Iris found us a few minutes later. He came in and as usual after his sessions I sought his eyes, they would let me know if he was okay. Tonight they were a little red, I reach out a hand to him, he takes it then comes and stands behind me wrapping his arms around me.
"What are we talking about?" Another indicator this afternoons session had been hard, he was avoiding.
"Me buying a car unless, you want me to take the Porsche and we get you a new one?"
"Bren I love you, but I love my car, and well with your driving history - "
"She caused the accident on purpose and I haven't had one since." Seriously when were they going to let this go?
"That's because people give you a wide berth when you drive." Asshole!
"McKay!"
"Baby remember no lies so-"
"Dad?"
"I think Dylan is saying you need a safe sturdy car."
"Exactly Jim, but I think it should also be large and Paul made the suggestion of a bright unusual colour- help people know she's on the road."
"Like a canary yellow or a hot pink?" Was my Dad serious?
"Mum Iris?"
"Brenda I think your father and Dylan are trying to be helpful."
"Darling they are thinking about your safety."
"You all are mean." They all crack up. My family were jerks.
Dylan places a kiss on top of my head. Then seriously asks, "what were you thinking?"
"Jeep though I might struggle putting on the soft top by myself- if you make a short joke now Dylan you can sleep on the couch." I can feel his laughter. "So maybe a BMW though they are pretty common in Beverly Hills."
"They are also pretty pricey…" he doesn't say anything more doesn't ask how I can afford this.
"Well I work so much I need to spend it on something." Not wanting him to dwell on this too long I try to change the conversation direction, "Dad you sure you are free to go tomorrow morning?"
"Sure sweetheart."
"I'm out with Ray and Paul in the morning but if you can wait till after I can come to." I don't want him to see me spend that kind of money, it would raise too many questions.
"Oh you think I'm going to put up with your teasing all morning- no thank you." I squeeze his hand. "Besides I have to work tomorrow afterwards so I only have an hour free in the morning." It was true the edit and approval of the video clip we filmed on Wednesday, a marketing meeting to finalise the next release, a phone interview with Rolling Stone Magazine to take some of the heat off, and finally a discussion with the head of the label for a potential summer tour. The last I was dragging my feet on agreeing to but venues needed to be booked quickly to secure them, thus the label head's intervention to hopefully convince me.
"You're working too much. You've been yawning all week and I practically had to carry you out of school yesterday."
"What Brenda you didn't tell me this?"
"Dad it's okay it's just been a busy week, and Wednesday was a late one."
"Well it's a good thing you'll be rarely on campus next semester then." Shit. "You can do your volunteering on Monday, then work during the day the rest of the week, hopefully that will reduce your night and weekend hours." Dylan goes rigid.
"Brenda did you forget to tell me something?" Thanks Dad.
"Dylan you knew I was pretty much finished anyway, so Mrs T is letting me do my last credits by correspondence. I just need to pop on campus for the occasional test. Isn't that great?"
He let me go. "You leave on the Sunday after Christmas, will move into a place you won't tell me where it is except that it's by the beach, you'll be gone for god knows how long, you won't agree to move back in once my Doctor says I'm okay and just gave me a vague 'I'll always have a home with you' answer, and now I find out that I won't even be seeing you on campus next semester." He was mad, not panicking, just straight up mad. "Honestly, are you sure you aren't running? Cause it sure looks like it from here."
"I'm not. Once your intensive therapy is over and your Doctor thinks you have your nightmares and acute stress response under control we'll see each other every day."
"So between your work, you living somewhere else, I'll get what half hour maybe a whole hour each night?"
"Dylan that's not fair. It won't be like that."
"What will it be like? Will it be like this where I am required to be a hundred percent honest and you get to keep your secrets, keep me in the dark? You aren't ever going to forgive me for the summer are you? I'm going to be punished for it forever. Given access to only parts of your life." He goes to my bag and puts his hands in it grabbing his keys, "I need to think." Then he leaves slamming the kitchen door. Shit.
"Brenda- "
"Don't Dad, I know he needs to know but seriously I don't know if he's okay enough to handle it."
"Darling I don't know if he is either." My eyes go straight to Iris. "You being tired this week and so tired yesterday, well let's just say he spun out so much in his session today that his Doctor asked me to come in to confirm you were okay and hadn't found any more lumps." Shit.
"He mentioned my cancer scare last Saturday, it's the first time since sophomore year he has said anything about it." I wasn't going to say that while I checked myself regularly when we were together Dylan also kept track, asking questions even about the slightest change or even a hint of a rash. Though while he checked for all the common signs he never said the word till Saturday. I ran my hand through my hair.
"Him saying it, me being exhausted, it must have ruminated become an obsessive thought it's a part of anxiety but also not uncommon in addicts."
"Brenda you check regularly right?" I move around to my Mum giving her a hug, I didn't want her upset as well.
"I do Mum and there is nothing there I was am just tired. It's been a big few months." I sigh. "We should have dinner as I'd like to get home soon. He'll be too angry at himself for leaving like that to come back here tonight."
Just over an hour later I was at home laying in our bed writing, waiting for him to come back. It took another hour before he came in.
Taking off his clothes he came and laid next to me, mirroring me. He was silent.
"I'm sorry for not saying it sooner, I guess I worry about throwing too much at you all at once."
He whispers, "I used to know you better than anyone else."
"You still do." He looks sad.
"No others know things I don't, and a lot of things I think."
"No one knows me, how I think, behave, likes, dislikes – Dylan you are still the keeper of all that." I wasn't convincing him, he still looks so hurt.
"But there are things I don't know that your parents, the guy's, Camille and David know?" I don't respond but from my silence he gains his answer.
"Why didn't you tell me you were worried about me being tired this week? That you worried I might be sick?" He sighs.
"Bren I worry about a lot of things it's like a backing track in my brain always playing, this one just managed to move out of the dull noise to the most pressing thought today."
"Do you know how?"
"You were tired still even after all that sleep- I saw you yawn a few times today, and while I know you eat I've noticed since the summer that you are getting thinner, then I noticed your top gave you, it fit them- well you know I like to check you out. And I guess the ideas got connected while you were resting your head on my shoulder on the bus. I couldn't stop it as it seemed to make sense, by the time I got to my Doctors I was convinced."
"You know I'm fine? I check regularly. I get yearly screenings because of the family history and the scare."
"I'm used to knowing your body so well. It's another thing I don't know anymore. Thank god I don't have to live through the torture of someone else getting to know it- I would seriously go insane."
"Ditto." I had imagined it, if he started dating her, seeing them kiss. I know I would have been a shell of the person I was if I had to live through that.
"But you've checked recently?"
"Dylan I check weekly, but if you need me to I'll check right now." He shyly nods. I roll onto my back and put one arm up and then slip my hand into my pyjama shirt, starting the familiar process. Dylan keeps his eyes on me, though there was nothing appreciative in his glare, his usual one track mind was not in operation. After checking both I look at him.
"Nothing there."
"No rashes?"
"No and before you ask no discolouration. Baby I have just been working too much for months, I'm exhausted. That's why I opted to not take a full load next semester, packing in AP courses like Andrea to get extra credits for College. I needed something to give and well school became the best, only option."
"But you didn't tell me, like so many other things. You don't think I can be what a proper partner to you, someone you share your life with? You think you need to just take care of me."
"No I know you can be, that you are, will be, but Dylan I want you strong I want you to not have a meltdown when I'm tired or when I'm a few minutes late, I want to tell you everything and not fear that it will make you worse. Make you a hostage to your fear. I want you to know that as well. I want you to know that if an intrusive thought did get stuck you know how to handle it, that you naturally just ask and we can deal with it – that you don't have to hide from me either." He went quiet and begins playing with one of my hands, I can see his eyes get glassy.
"Bren if I don't stay focused on the next minute, on the simple joys of waking up next to you of our routine. If I look deeper, I'll be back in the middle of that ice cold ocean treading water and getting so tired that any minute I could go under." I wipe away an escaped tear and then run my finger tips down his face, he closes his eyes and takes a calming breath. "All I had to save me from that is your hand and now you're taking it away. I'm petrified that when you're gone I'm going to go under and that you won't come back."