Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210. None to How Do You Talk to an Angel written by Steve Tyrell, Barry Coffing, and Stephanie Tyrell, produced by Steve Tyrell, performed by The Heights, lead vocals by Jamie Walters.
Chapter Twenty-Two: (Ray's Album) How Do You Talk to an Angel
I woke before the mattress had even turned cold from where she had laid. I contemplated getting out of bed to see if she had already left but I knew she had, I didn't feel her here. I didn't want to be in here, this house, this room, this bed without her, but this had been the last place we had been together. The sheets smelt like her, the room looked like ours. Her pillow still had the slightest indent from her. Though after she had spent the majority of the night with her head on my chest it wasn't as pronounced as it usually was. If I left the bed that would be it. The physical evidence of her would leave. It would also mean I'd start the day, have the last morning where I had woken up sharing the same bed as her, at least for this year. There were only five more sleeps until January began, if I could get through them I'd be okay. January she'd be back, I can make it to January.
The first days were rough. The Sunday I spent the day in the house savouring every last morsel of her in our home. Iris for the most part let me be, knowing that I just wanted to be alone to feel the echoes of her here. I read my new Byron on the couch in the spot I had held her, kissed her for hours the night before. It made me smile thinking of the amount of times we had decided that a kiss didn't count. Our five kiss limit went completely out the window on Christmas Day, even if my girl was too stubborn to admit it. I of course played along, not willing to call her out and risk losing her near constant kissing of me when we were alone. God I miss those lips.
Paul and I went to our AA meeting that night, and having found out he wasn't needed for the rest of the week at work we made plans to surf the next morning. That night had started okay but at about two I was in the bathroom vomiting. My Mum having been prepared by my Doctor and having heard Cindy's experience sat with me on the tile floor for two hours telling me that she was safe, the shooting had never happened, that Brenda was waiting, and just needed me to get better. I finally got enough cognition to leave and move back into our room, though I didn't sleep. I simply opened her draw and saw the perfectly folded jumper and pyjamas. I didn't touch them in case I ruined her smell.
My Doctor thought it was a good sign that it had only taken two hours to get me off the floor. Progress from when it used to take the sun to rise before I became aware again. That night Iris and I continued our tradition of having dinner with Cindy and Jim. While I was a little less animated I tried to put on a brave face, my family didn't need to worry about me more than they were. Only four more sleeps to go till January. That night it was another two hours on the floor. My Doctor said that was another good sign- it hadn't got worse straight away.
On Tuesday the guy's joined us for our usual dinner at the Walsh's. Chris and AJ had returned the day before and had found out that they too had been given the week off. While AJ refused to learn to surf- something about not putting his fingers at risk, Ray and Chris decided to join my new daily eight am surf with Paul. AJ though would meet us at The Pit for breakfast, before I had to run home to get Mum for my daily midday Therapy session.
It wasn't till the fourth night that it took Iris close to dawn to make me come too. By that stage she had panicked and had called Cindy and Jim. They had both come over and helped me get out of my fear prison, by bringing Bren's Mr Pony. It wasn't the stuffed animal that did it, but rather the connection to Bren, especially when Cindy said she had left it with her just in case. I'd come to find out my OCD girl had left a few little items with a number of people over the next few weeks. I didn't surf that day but I met the guy's for breakfast. My Doctor said it wasn't surprising to see it get worse, and it most likely would as the time since I saw her got longer.
That night the guy's, my Mum and I go to the Walsh's for New Year's Eve. The gang are all in attendance along with some of their parents, the Walsh's neighbours the Asher's, and a few of Jim's colleagues. I'm surprised to see the music for the night is the MTV New Year's countdown. Though by the first ad announcing the release of Raven's new song tonight it becomes clear why. The media attention hasn't calmed down, if anything with her and Ray's song hitting number one in ten countries it's officially now a global hype.
At around ten that night I disappear upstairs to go sit in our bedroom here for a bit, crowds and small chat are not my thing. A mix of Jack's near constant entertaining and growing up in clubs in LA have made me hesitant to be surrounded by people. As I'm walking down the hall with what my Mother refers to as my constant companion my Christmas book, I hear Brandon fighting with his parents in their room. I do my best to ignore it until Brandon asks if they even know where his twin is. I'm at the door straight away.
"Bren's missing?" Jim glares at his son.
"No Dylan she's fine. She is just taking a few day's to herself." Brandon turns to face me.
"Dylan what my parents aren't saying is they haven't spoken to her since Boxing Day, that no one has seen her, she's not taking anyone's calls and they won't tell me where she is to check on her." I give him a strange look.
"Don't look at me like that, we may not be talking but she is my twin. I still make sure I see her most days- when she's not hidden at your place, and well she calls Mum most mornings to say hi. I'm the one that answers it though." He then spins back to his parents. "But she hasn't called since Boxing Day afternoon and I just heard you leave a message telling her that you had hoped she would have called this evening and that you are worried."
"Jim?" I can feel my breathing pick up.
"Dylan she is fine. She sent me a fax the other day saying she was going to take a few days to herself."
"Do you know where she is? Is she still staying at her friends house?" My heart is beating fast, it sounds like it's going to break through my chest any minute.
"Look, I won't lie to either of you. We don't know."
Brandon and I both explode.
"What?" "How do you not know?"
Cindy tries to calm us. "We have a house full of people, would the both of you please calm down and listen." When we both give her our attention she continues. "She is supposed to be staying at that house but when I went to drop off some of her favourite brownies this morning I couldn't get in. She may just not have heard the buzzer for the gate- "
Jim adds. "Or she may have decided to get away for a few days."
"Wait isn't she at work? I mean her boss contacted her on Christmas Day, I doubt she was given the time off between Christmas and New Year's."
Jim looks to Cindy who gives him a stern look. "Brandon your sister decided to take the time off at the last minute."
"Nice, and her boss is okay with that?" If he doesn't lose that tone we will have a problem, she works damn hard, she deserves the time off.
"The boss is fine with it, she is able to set her own hours and days." Well that was news to me, I knew she had some flexibility but thought she was obligated to work as hard as she did. That means she chose to nearly burn herself out two weeks ago. My damn perfectionist, she needs to take better care of herself. With that thought a wave of guilt hits me. I'm part of the reason she was burnt out, she does too much for me. It adds to my worry but I try and talk myself down using my Doctor's strategies, she would tell me to be solution focused. Okay, I get better then I make her life easier. She can't have me as a burden anymore. First though I need to know she is safe.
"Jim she's not at that house, not going to work, no one has spoken to her and you are now saying she could be anywhere? But we shouldn't worry because you have a fax. You have to give me more than this please."
"Dylan she's fine, she faxed a few people that day and well she has a message service and advised them she'd be off until the New Year." A message service how much of her life does she keep me out of? I mean it makes sense managing Ray and the guy's careers, but why is it necessary to hide that. Why was she so fearful that I wouldn't be okay with it?
"Would the guy's know? Ray? Maybe, I should go ask them?"
"No Dylan they don't." Jim sighs. "I'm guessing on your usual Monday night conversation with Camille and David that they didn't mention anything?" What the fuck? Brandon voices my concern.
"You think she left the country? That she could be back in Paris?"
"No they flew to Asia on Tuesday. Do you think she's gone to join them?" I can feel my panic rise. Her in the same town as me is one thing, her all over Asia while I'm recovering it's too much. I know my Doctor wanted no contact but if she's travelling abroad that'll have to change.
Jim must see that I am starting to lose it and comes over and puts his hands on my upper arms, making eye contact with me. "Relax, she's fine. She said she's taking time off till the New Year, and that's well ninety minutes away now. I imagine she will call tomorrow." I try and calm myself down using the Box Breathing technique my Doctor taught me.
"What do you think is going on? This isn't like her."
"She communicated to everyone. She gave a clear time of when she wouldn't be contactable for. You know her she did all the right things and if she had left the country, like her last secret trip." Seriously Jim you are bringing up Baja? "She would have made sure someone knew where she was. As no one knows differently I think she's at the house. I think she hates being away from you as much as you hate being away from her. I imagine she is probably sitting in that house eating ice-cream and watching Dirty Dancing, and is trying to stop herself from getting in her car to see you." I smile at him.
"If she is moping she'll be listening to Losing My Religion as well." I take another calming breath. "This sucks Jim!"
"She loves you and wants you better, you focus on that okay. She'll be home faster that way." I nod.
Cindy then says it's time to go back downstairs the hosts can't be gone this long. Instead of following Jim and Cindy down the stairs I go into our bedroom. It looks bare now without Brenda's things, our photos and cards.
"It's weird right?" I turn and see Brandon in the doorway. "Without her things. I hate looking at it like this, it makes me want to change it into a games room or something like that, just so it stops being a clear sign that she's gone."
"She'll be hurt if you did that, I know she missed waking up here." He smiles.
"Really? Once your better you think she'll move back in?" Seriously he's still on this.
"You still want her away from me then?" He drops his smile.
"I don't want her near you if you're sick like this. I don't want her making her whole life about you again, like she's done from the start."
"Then why push us back together when she broke up with me? Why help me see her on her birthday, your birthday? Why nag her to listen to me, hear me out?" He sighs and moves into the room taking a seat on the bench under the window. He indicates for me to sit down, I comply and sit on our bed.
"Dylan, I lost her… well after Emily, the hold up, Baja, her running away to yours, all of them pulled her a little more away from me and closer to you. Do you know the night she found out, I was angry at her on that phone call? I didn't know where she was, you were looking close to losing it in a bottle, and she wasn't speaking to me. I was angry at her, how can I fix things, be there if she wouldn't let me in? I came home that Thursday after my shift, still not knowing the story of what happened between you, what you did over the summer. I got angry at her again for the night before, for not coming home and making us worry. I called her a drama queen." He ran his hand through his hair. "Well you can imagine how shit I felt when I found out everything. By then though- well she's stubborn, she had made that wall that was between us from the months before, pretty solid. She never let me in again, she disconnected from the gang as well." He leans forward and rests his elbows on his thighs bringing his hands together.
"I thought if I could get you guys back together she'd open back up to me, start hanging with her friends again. I thought if she and Kelly could patch… well I didn't think they would be friends again, but maybe hearing it all would allow Bren to feel comfortable with the gang. She was sad without you, I thought if she got you back I'd get her back." I ignore his relationship with her, I wouldn't speak to that. I knew she was angry still, but she loved him and missed him. I suspect it's why she called Cindy each weekday morning at the same time just to wish her a good morning. It was why he answered the phone each day just to pass it to his Mum a second later. The twins were both stubborn but they were connected. It's why I didn't get that he allowed her to be mistreated by the gang.
"Brandon you do see how they treat her right? Like her feelings don't matter? Like it's not a big deal?"
"Dylan do you know what Donna did when she found out about David's summer fling with Nikki? She became best friends with her and made Nikki crack on to him at your house the night of the bbq, he freaked out and they laughed at him. Donna said don't do it again and all was forgiven."
"Brandon if you are telling me that's how you think or they think Brenda should have acted then that's crazy."
"No not me, but Dylan that's what they think this is. A few days of grumbling and bitching then move on. They don't understand what you both have, I barely understand it. Dylan they see that you stepping out on her this summer is just another example of you guys not having a serious relationship, that with the break up in sophomore year, the flirtations you both had last year with others, and well the dramatic nature of your relationship at the end of junior year, to them you guy's are just another on again off again high school couple. Just not able to make it work long term and can't get out of each other's orbits enough to see that." Wow, they didn't get us, they didn't see us, but why would they? Bren and I have always kept us to ourselves. I mean they saw the hallway couple, the party couple, The Pit couple, and occasionally us around her parents, but they didn't see us. The hours of talking, laughing, playing, us in our home taking care of it, being able to sit in the other's company for hours not saying a word, the AA meetings, the emotional intimacies we shared, or the worshipping of the other. They may know that some of those things took place but never saw it, saw what it meant, have never lived through it themselves in their own relationships.
"Do you think that? That our relationship is just some on off regular high school romance?" He runs his hands through his hair.
"You were right in Vegas I hate that you believe you are more family to her than I am. I hate that she has put you in that position. I'm angry at her for that, angry she puts you first in everything. Before her friends, family, twin, even before herself. I hate that they only way I felt I could get her back is through you." That's alot of negativity aimed at her, my Doctor would ask me if that was misdirected anger.
"Do you hate me? Or just how we love each other? How she loves me?"
"Dylan you're still my brother, best friend, your relationship I saw more of it than the others. I haven't liked it at times but there was a moment last year when you had given up drinking and before the hold up when I could see you guys got it, had a better hold of what you could be together. I liked that, she was happy, did things for herself more. You guys were finding a balance in your intensity for the other, it wasn't always perfect but I could see what a life together could be like for you both- it looked good, she'd be happy. I can't lie I also liked what it meant for the three of us, I'd have my twin still and my brother, you both would be happy and well when I found my one, it hopefully would all work out." I could see that too raising our kids together, family holidays, celebrations, bbq's, it was a good life one that I was envisioning for Bren and I. If her brother and her could sort this out and he was apart of that she would love it.
He rubs his hand again through his hair.
"Then though it all changed again, you guys lost your balance. At first I blamed her for making the drama at the end of junior year, of ruining it all and well making our twin bond collateral damage in the process. Then once I found out you were sick, I realised she had been probably unconsciously adjusting, accommodating you during that time. I felt like shit even more. I thought though as we helped you get better, she and I could get you back on track. You moved in-"
"And in day's I'd shut you out too." He nods.
"Then Vegas at dinner, I thought if Kelly and her could sort it out. Not be friends but remove the tension, then she'd hang out with us more, maybe that was what was making you distant as well."
"And that night I wasn't having a bar of that. I knew how hurt she was. Brandon, I won't breach her privacy and disclose her thoughts and feelings, but know by this stage I had held her crying. You know what it takes to make her do that. I was starting to realise the impact of it all on her, the loss of all of us, the misdirected blame that had been aimed at her." He nods acknowledging the truth in what I had said.
"Then that night the fight I had with her. I had put some of it on the table, and she left. I sat in that room not talking to anyone planning if I should go up there, or wait till the morning. Trying to determine what would give us the best chance to finally talk about it."
"Then I came in."
"You wanted her away from me. I could understand it at first you were angry from the fight, but hearing how the others saw your actions, knowing how unwell you were. I began to worry you were going to take her away permanently, that this was your addiction to her speaking. On the plane thinking she'd run off and married you. Well I lost my head, thinking she was being reckless tying herself to a life with you sick, where you needed an unhealthy amount of observance of her. That's not love. That's not what I want for her."
"I don't either. I'm trying to get better."
"Yeah but Dylan will that stop the problems?"
I give him a confused look. "You guys found balance for a moment, but most of your relationship has been her accomodating you. Making your needs the priority, losing herself in what you two have. Even in your recovery see how she has set it up, she has given you the support of her family, her new friends, her family home, and she'll ride this out alone for however long it takes. Even if we were talking properly she still would have given you her twin for support. She's left nothing for herself. She's not even able to work." He looks me in the eye. "I know I don't understand your love for one another, but from this angle, looking in, she gives too much up for this love. It's been like that from the start." He's quiet then and gets up. "I love you man. If you can find that balance again you'll have my full support, for whatever that is worth to either of you. Though if you don't see it as possible, I just ask… I know it would hurt her but maybe then it's time to accept that it's not meant to be. Give her up. Give her an opportunity to find someone who can be a more equal partner to her." As he takes his first steps to the door I respond.
"I love her man." He stops.
"Dylan it's not a question of love it's a question of what is fair to her, what she has to give up for that love to keep you happy. I mean look you're here spending New Year's with everyone and she's welcoming in 1993 most likely alone. She loses all judgment when it comes to you, she has no self preservation instinct." He once again begins his walk to the door. Before he leaves though I stop him.
"Brandon do you still feel her? I know it's not something I understand it's more in my mother's wheelhouse, but I know it's different from the constant pull she and I share, our awareness of the other. You have a different sense of her."
"Yes I do and yes I feel her."
"She's not hurt, she's safe?"
"Yeah she's physically fine."
He leaves and I stay upstairs on our bed, thinking over everything he has said, the questions he raised. Before I head downstairs for the last few minutes of 1992 to hear Raven's new song, do the countdown, hug our mother's, I make my new year resolution. Bren comes first, her happiness, I can no longer be a burden to her.
I make it down just in time for Raven's new song, it's out of this world. As it finishes Ray comes over and passes me a package with a card. It's in my girls handwriting. I'm stopped from opening it by the countdown but after hugging my Mother, Cindy, Jim and handshakes with the guys I disappear back to our room. Sitting on the bed I take out the card.
Happy New Year Baby!
I hope you know if I was there I'd definitely be kissing you right now, and trust me it would count.
You told me you found her voice soothing, and well this song is my favourite. I pulled some strings and got this for you early.
I hope it helps.
I love you.
Bren
I open the package and find Raven's new song that just played on MTV. My girl is a fucking Angel. That night I play it on repeat while I sleep. I make it till five before I'm forced awake, it's the first nightmare I have had since she left. The next morning, flowers arrive from my girl for Iris. Iris beams and places them into smaller bunches all around the house. I'm thrilled as it's a physical reminder that she's safe.
Monday I'm back at school, my morning surf is moved to sunrise, my daily Doctor's sessions are moved to the afternoon. My classes go well, and I love my new AP ones. On impulse I write a quick note to Jack telling him how good the course outlines look for both. I post it before arriving at my session. My Doctor is pleased that I managed to not have any night terrors since New Year's, when she asks what's changed I tell her about listening to music on repeat. She is pleased it gave me some respite but she doesn't want me to keep doing it in fear it will form a habit.
Iris having volunteered at the school today was unable to ride with me to my session, so it's not till I get back to Casa Walsh that evening that I hear she spent the day with my girl. The gnawing anxiety that has run through me since I found out she hadn't spoken to anyone reduces.
Over the next week my night terrors continue with my poor mother losing most of her sleep. The guy's and I stop surfing every day as my lack of sleep makes it too risky. My Doctor is concerned that my reflexes could suffer and that I am at risk of falling into micro-sleeps, she puts a ban on my driving. Brandon volunteers to take me to and from school. That week is the hardest and by the Sunday I've taken holding her jumper, listening to Raven's catalogue on repeat and staring at the pictures above our bed. Dreaming of surfboards and her in her black one piece.
Ray comes to AA with Paul and I that night, and while not an alcoholic himself he admits his mother is. She has struggled to stay sober for years, and he knows it's when life keeps lobbing grenades that it's the hardest- he wanted to come and give me support. That night I speak in the meeting, opening up about being away from my girl. We head back to my house for coffee afterwards and he asks me about Bren's new nickname.
"What do you mean? I've always called her Bren, sometimes I steal your shortie or AJ's Thumbelina, and we call each other personal terms of endearment but none of that's new."
"You called her Angel three times tonight when you spoke of her."
"Anonymity I guess, but she is an Angel."
"You know my first song I wrote and performed was about an Angel." Paul and I look at each other, Ray rarely opens up about girls- this should be good.
"Really, was she hot?" Ray and I laugh at Paul's priority though we knew it was for show.
"Yes, but more important she was special. She helped me alot when I was struggling with my Mum. I loved her but we were young." He looks wistful, I have to ask.
"What happened to her?"
"I fucked around on her and blew it. We finished High School saw other people, we stayed best friends for a while but eventually she moved away."
"Any chance you could meet up with her again? Track her down?"
"Maybe but its hard to come back from the hurt I caused her."
"Though being a rock star might help with that."
"Paul, I hope it's not the fame someone wants. Don't get me wrong it would be awesome if she came to one of our summer shows and we managed to connect again but even that might not be possible. I mean Raven will have that tour locked down. I doubt she would even be able to get through security to see me."
"Wait you guys are going on tour with Raven?"
They both look at the other in fear. "Shit, Dylan that's like top secret. The tour hasn't been announced yet and well we are still waiting on the details to come through. With people taking time off over the holidays it means I haven't even got a contract yet."
Shit Bren took time off because of me, us. I didn't want it to fuck up her career and the guy's. "You fearful it could fall through?"
"Raven could pull the plug anytime. Until there are contracts- let's not jinx it by talking about it." I didn't know if Bren was back working full time but if she managed it it would be a massive break for the guy's. It made me proud my girl could kick arse in business.
"Ray you going to grab your guitar and play this song for us or what?" Ray gets up from the couch at Paul's request.
"Yeah let me grab my guitar."
The song is amazing and I swear Ray gets me- it's how I feel about Bren. I ask if he's recorded it, and if so could I get a copy. He drops one off the next day and it goes into my nightly rotation.
That week it gets better, I have only one night terror and more amazingly I get a full nights sleep without any nightmares. It is something I haven't had without Bren since the week of the holdup. My Doctor is optimistic that this is a good sign. She gives me permission to start driving again, I ask if we can start discussing how I can build a more balanced relationship with Brenda. She agrees. It makes me positive going into week four without Bren that it's nearly over.
The achievement is made sweeter by my girl. The night after my first full night of sleep, I tell Bren's parents at our usual Friday dinner. Jim immediately excuses himself and comes back a minute later with an envelope. Passing it to me I notice the familiar handwriting. I look at Cindy, and without asking she tells me to go read it. I rush from the dinner table and escape to our room.
Dylan,
I'm so happy and proud of you for kicking more of these demons butt's that chase you. I hope that beautiful old soul isn't too bruised, but know you are in the home stretch now, and if it is a little worse from wear I'll be there with you soon to soothe it. You just have to keep going be a little stronger. I am sure you a weary of the fight, though now is the time you have to put in the most effort, dig a little deeper and banish this from your life, our life.
I love you!
Your Bren x
By Tuesday it had been five nights in a row. Cindy made apple pie to celebrate at our usual big Tuesday night dinner. The night was awesome and was made even better with the announcement of Ray being officially on Raven's tour. The details weren't finalised but it would start in LA and with guaranteed dates in Europe and Asia. With Raven's Grammy nominations it was sure to be a success. My girl was a powerhouse to get him on this, at this rate she'd be running a label by thirty.
The tour announcement had hyped up the Raven stories and you couldn't turn a bloody channel without new speculations on who she was and who she was dating. On Thursday I met the guy's for breakfast at The Pit, and as I waited for them to arrive I was reading another story in the morning paper about her dating life, she was seemingly in London and was dating an English actor.
"Dylan what the fuck are you reading?"
"Paul!"
"Sorry Nat I'll try not to cuss." He silently chuckles he was always getting in trouble for swearing too loudly in here. Nat had given him the 'it's a family restaurant speech' more times than I could remember. I was starting to believe that he just liked to stir up trouble wherever he went. As he sat down he looked at me. "Dude seriously what are you reading?"
"It's called a newspaper." He flicks me the bird. Nat whacks his shoulder in passing, Paul smiles again.
"Seriously why are you reading that rubbish it's all made up…" he looks over his shoulder clocks Nat by the grill and turns back "… shit?" I laugh and respond.
"Have you tried to find a paper or magazine where she's not mentioned?" AJ jumps in.
"It's true I read the other day she's actually four different singer's- " Chris then cuts him off.
"No my favourite is that she's a Hollywood A lister from that prostitute movie…"
"Pretty Woman. Nah I like the dating rumours the best. I swear she is connected to more men than on a pro football team. You'd never know she is completely in love with her first ever boyfriend."
"Seriously Ray? From her songs it sounds like she has dated a pretty big asshole she can't be still with him?"
The guy's go quiet but Ray eventually responds. "Dylan it's complicated. Anyway we shouldn't discuss this the boss would get angry and not in the fun way."
The next afternoon I'm waiting for my double Friday session, having study halls only after lunch on Friday I am able to leave early and arrive well before my session. I was excited it had been a week since I had a nightmare, eleven days since my last night terror. I was hopeful that Bren could come home this weekend, my Doctor had hinted that she thought it was getting close to that time. I grabbed my book as I left the car, I had read it everyday since she had left. Before heading into the waiting room I stopped at the newsstand to grab a coke. On a whim I picked up the Rolling Stone issue of Raven's.
It took till question three of the interview before it all began to make sense. The pieces coming together in my mind. It wasn't her lack of musical training or her learning to play by mucking around on her grandma's piano. This information was covered in the introduction but was a little too common. In fairness she had hidden herself well. I doubt even Brandon or her parents could of figured it out from the article, but I had attended that concert with her. I knew why that violin piece was her favourite music, even if she had refused to answer why- telling the interviewer it was personal. It was my favourite piece too for the same reason. We had loved it that night of the concert, but it was the memories of it playing many times since in our home while we worshipped, enjoyed each other that had made it so special, sacred. Well, had made it that way for me at least.