Authors Note: I own nothing. No ownership rights to Beverly Hills 90210. None to Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough written by Patty Smyth and Glen Burtnik, produced by Rob Bittan, performed by Patty Smyth and Don Henley.
Chapter Twenty-Three: Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough
I sat in that waiting room running through each lyric, each piece of personal, intimate information she had exposed- I felt violated. By the time my Doctor called me into the room I was livid. I ranted about the betrayal and the lies that everyone told. Ray, Paul, AJ, Chris, David, and Camille all lied, but it was our parents that stung the most. I thought Jim had finally accepted me as a son, that he wanted me, welcomed me, that I was finally good enough, but it had been a lie. Cindy, she was the first mother I ever had, ever known, even at my worst she had still loved me, still championed me- she had lied as well. Iris my Mother I didn't know, may be like me she had been kept in the dark too, I wasn't sure. It was clear though that Brandon had been kept there.
Thinking of all the betrayals the tainted relationships, reminded me of living with Jack- being a pawn to be used. It sobered my rage but left me numb. My Doctor unable to explain their motivations and unwilling to guess to their thinking, advised me that I needed the truth, that I should hear them out. I didn't want to hear this from anyone other than Raven, she's the one that had sold our love- something that I thought was priceless she had found it's market rate. I needed Brenda to explain it to me, but I didn't even know where she was, didn't know her number, didn't know if she was in the fucking country.
My Doctor told me that she had taken to calling every day, to see if she could come see me- why had she run out of song material? Not wanting to risk my recovery, I asked if she thought I was better enough to see her. She said at this point with this bombshell, behavioural therapy wouldn't work until I had the actual truth to process. She asked if I wanted her to come here, to the office. No. This needed to be between Brenda and I only. Courtesy of the woman I loved, enough of our lives were splattered over the radio waves and tv stations, I wanted, needed this to be just us. She encouraged me to hear her out, to breathe and give myself time to process. To not let my insecurities cloud my mind.
As I came into our home I threw the magazine and book on the coffee table and then made my way into our room to collect the singles. Picking them up from my nightstand, I was hit with a realisation- I was such an idiot. No wonder they helped calm me, it was her. My soul and body recognised her even subconsciously. As I waited for her to arrive, I listened to them again with new understanding. In some I could feel her hatred, in others I could feel her love, pain and confusion. Though the ones that hurt the most was when she had put voice to my pain, my story. She had sold not only herself and us, but she sold me.
I felt her before I saw her.
She asked to come in, I almost laughed. She respected my personal space, just not my personal thoughts or emotions. Hearing her apologise for the shock, not the lack of honesty sent me on a rant that I would come to regret. She was right to call me out for crossing a line, like Cindy did four weeks ago to the day. It was the flash of that memory and the resulting epiphany that day, that made me find my centre again. I was once again yelling at her not hearing her, because I believed I had the moral high ground. That had to stop, it wasn't how this conversation was going to go. I maybe hurt but I still knew she deserved better.
"You don't have to like them, but please don't demean my feelings, my history, my experience just because you don't like hearing the truth." I change my tone.
"Raven do you really want to have a conversation about honesty? If so shall we talk about the lie I have lived since… when was it, since Paris? I don't even know when this started." I didn't. Raven released her first song soon after our breakup, but had this been going on for months, before she met David in Paris? Was our whole relationship a lie? Had she been doing this behind my back for years? I thought she wanted to be an actress, well I guess she is, but was Bren or Raven the character? Was our future, the one we planned and promised each other, the one that I held onto so fiercely to help me not lose my mind, was that just a fantasy play that she was playing a part in? I am so confused. "I don't know anything about your life anymore. Here I was thinking I was getting better for us. I've been to hell for four weeks thinking that the one I love, the woman who I want my forever with, the woman I thought I knew better than anyone else was waiting for me, but it's all a lie and I don't even know when that lie began. I don't know anything anymore." I put my head in my hands to try and physically stop the muddled thoughts in my head. My brain was hurting trying to separate pretend from real.
She kneels by the couch next to me. It's not lost on me that her presence calms and enables me to focus more.
"I will tell you anything you want to know." I look up into her eyes, she appears to be truthful but was it genuine? I don't trust my gauge so I ask her.
"But will it be the truth?"
"I have never lied to you, I may have only presented some information or avoided it, changed the subject, but I have never lied to you." Baby, don't lie right now I can't take it. Half truths are what I gave you for months, it was still a lie, a manipulation. I thought we were past that, but I stop and then you start. I call her out for it.
"Oh that's right the long business trip is actually your world tour starting this summer. You talked around that truth well. Though I thought we were supposed to work out those conditions together, did you forget that, or was that a lie just to shut me up and not ruin your secret?" I can hear the snippy tone seep in, I need to get a better handle on myself. I'm angry but this is still the woman I love, she deserves better. I try the breathing technique to help clear my racing mind and to help control my seesawing emotions.
"The tour has ten dates set for this summer, that's it. The first one is in LA. I booked the minimum to get the label head off my back and to buy us time to sort out what we wanted. It could stay as ten dates, or we could add more cities, countries, it can be extended. I've made it so we can even break it up into multiple short tours, so if we wanted we could come home in between or travel together. I didn't lie, I just had to give a little more to make sure we could set those conditions together." I process what she just said. It seems reasonable, but I don't know if I can handle that. I still have months of therapy ahead. I might be able to sleep alone but I know to give us the best future I need to unpack it all, my whole story. It needs to go beyond just how my connection to her became my life line. How I used her to most likely stop another addiction spiral as my Doctor believes. To be in crowds, to see her being surrounded by thousands, exposed and observed by so many, it could all be too much. It could set me off again. I wouldn't risk that. Brandon was right, my near constant observation of her, my obsessive need for her safety, wasn't love. I wasn't risking letting that tainted dark thread weave through us again, attempt to hold a permanent place.
"If I don't want that, if I don't want to go?" A look of hope passes across her face, she doesn't want me there either, maybe she is afraid I'll be a burden.
"Then Baby stay here. I'll go back and forth- be home as much as I can. You can avoid it all." Great more time apart, and one more thing for her to add to her schedule. She'd be exhausted travelling across the globe, but maybe we could work that out. I could talk to my Doctor to discuss therapy schedules. I could fly out sometimes to her maybe we could alternate.
I start to realise we can make the tour work but I'm not sure if I can have us being shared so intimately. Once she's unmasked they'll know that her songs are about me, they'll know how I betrayed her, how I love her. I don't want strangers in our relationship having opinions, believing because they spent a few dollars they own us, our love.
"And if I don't want my personal life sung about, sold for what four dollars a single, how are you going to make that work?" She looks crushed, but she had to know that I wouldn't like this, us on display.
"Are you asking me to choose between you and this, or are you asking me to write about different things?" Shit. I run my hand through my hair. I'm not aiming for an ultimatum, all of us would lose in that. If she did either of those options she'd grow to resent me. I guess I was hoping though that some could be taken away. By her response it's obvious her songs even the ones about me would cause her pain to interfere with.
"I wouldn't win in either scenario would I?" Great, I have to accept this intrusion, this lack of privacy. There's no compromise on this, I have to agree to being exposed and then publicly named. If she told me from the start maybe we could have worked this out. Had some stuff off limits, kept it just for us, but she has invited them, the world in already and now I have no choices here. She's forcing this on me. I'm angry and I call her on it, for putting me in a corner. "You've started this life and didn't consult me at all. Didn't consider if this was something I would want."
"We weren't together at the time, we weren't even speaking." Yes but we weren't over. When have we ever been over? Unless…
"Were you that sure you were through with me forever? Is that how far gone from me you were?" She doesn't respond. Fuck she had been done with me, with us. My sickness pulled her back in forced her to stay. I live in that pain for a moment, were we passed that now? She wanted forever with me right or was I just a potential option, is that why I wasn't told? The thought makes me snark at her. "And since we have been, you didn't bring me in at all. Just ran off any chance you got to record, sing about me being sick, sing about my pain."
"That's not what I did, do. You go to therapy talk about us, my songs are my therapy. And yes some are about me, us, but I don't release the ones that I think are too personal." She doesn't get it all of them are, all of them are personal because they are about our love, our story. She is broadcasting us to the world and I don't know why.
"The difference is my sessions are confidential, your therapy is sold for a profit."
"Is the money the issue?" Seriously, she thinks I'm jealous over the money? We've always had enough to never work, it's not about her making money it's about selling, cheapening us.
"No it's the fact you have invited the world into our lives. You've sold us. What I feel for you is sacred to me, and you've made it a commodity." Like she did in that interview sharing our song, a song that I can't hear without thinking of her in our bed and now it's for everyone.
"What's the difference from what I do and what Byron did? I'm not comparing the quality of the art but the nature." It doesn't go past me that she is concerned I won't think her work is up to the comparison. If I was in a different headspace I would tell her that she is fucking talented, that she shouldn't lessen it. I would tell her it was both Byron and her words that got me through this last month, last few months, but that's not the point. How do I tell her that I am upset that she is selling all of us and we don't know it. That she is turning our private conversations into consumables without our consent. That it's a violation.
"He was honest about it. People knew that in dealing with him they could risk ending up in one of his works." I can see the moment she gets it. Why this hurts me so much, why this is a betrayal.
"That's fair." The stress of this moment runs across her face. "I don't want the publicity and I don't want the fame, if I could I would hide behind Raven forever. I just want to make the music. I didn't want my life to change." Hope runs through me, she could happily make music for the rest of her life just for us and our family, she doesn't need to do something she hates. She can retire, never name herself as Raven, if she doesn't want the fame we could stop it.
"You could have had that without this. I would have bought you, is it a piano? I don't even know if that's what your instrument is." Frustration runs through me I hate this, I'm spending my life with this woman and I don't even know this major part of her.
"It is. AJ tries to teach me cords on a range of different ones- he can play a lot of them. Chris, well I can make a beat obviously, but he often teases me, letting me know that a drum solo is not a possibility for me anytime in the future. Paul and Ray well they have taught me to play a little, but my preference is the piano." Fuck. I have never seen her so happy, she loves this.
"Even just then your eyes glowed talking about it, you are so proud of it."
"Dylan I am not going to lie about it, I am. I love the feeling of being in the studio, of singing, writing music, of jamming with the guys, of mixing with David, and I love that people can connect to it. I love every second of it." My hope dies, she wants her music released, not just for us. I can see it in her eyes she wants this life, she'll accept the fame if she can share her art. And why shouldn't she, she is gifted, a fucking musical genius.
"And you're good at it. I mean it was in the paper you just got nominated for like four Grammy awards." That's what this life will be award shows, cameras, interviews, reporter's, fan's invested in her. She may not have coveted the fame, but she will accept it if it allows her to be the type of musician she wants.
"Yeah the nominations got announced on the seventh and while I'm grateful it's not something I have cared about this month." Why not she should be celebrating her success? She stopped working over New Years, and the guy's were off for the month. What was she doing? I don't want to give away the panic on New Year's she caused, there is enough emotions in this conversation. There is no need to fuel more.
"I heard them speak about you being gone. They contacted you a few times, I think they even went to your place. They couldn't get in, I guess you weren't home, you're always pretty busy now."
"No I was there I just needed to be alone." Fuck it's what I feared, she hid for a month. Brandon was right she leaves nothing left for herself. "It's a gated community and well even then my house has another gate. It's my own version of Fort Knox." I nod. That's good at least she's planning her future so she's safe, but more will be required.
"Keeps you safe though, that is good. It will be needed soon, along with security and I guess a different car. When everyone finds out it's going to be intense."
"But then it will die down-"
I'm shocked is that what she thinks, she'll be a flash in the pan? That she'll be able to have a normal life. This is never going to end, I imagine it's going to get a hell of a lot worse when twisted truths start running through those articles. A scary thought passes through my head, I'll be in them, my past, the drugs and alcohol, the women, any of those stories could come out. She'll be disgusted, she'll hate me, Jim, our mothers- they could know it all, they'll all hate me. I try and make her understand, this was not going to be over quickly this is forever.
"Until your next hit, till your next tour, next album. You are always going to be in the media, your life on display for the world, your privacy always compromised. You are now always going to be known." As I'm saying it though I'm struck with the realisation I'm not strong enough for it. That I won't cope. Living in fear of my past mistakes. Being hounded. Bile rises, I swallow it down. I'm not strong enough for that life and she wants it. I can't walk with her through it. I would crumble if I did, and knowing me I'd crumble into addiction. It can't be me with her. "Your kids will be known, your husband."
I see it the moment she gets what I'm saying. What I won't ever be able to put voice to. That we have to be over. Her heart breaks. I see it now none of this was her intention. She wanted a life with me and loves me. Shit if I didn't doubt that, if I found out differently maybe I could of stopped some of the accusations that I threw at her. The ones I made in an endeavour to make sense of this. Fuck I've made a mess. I know her she never would do anything to hurt me, not like this. Why did I doubt it? Why do I let my fear take over? She's the only one in my life I have ever been able to trust fully, looking at her now she is still that person. Fuck I want my life with her, I want her, but I'm a fucking mess. I have been from the moment we met. I will be crushed under the weight of what her amazing life is, will be. I'll become a liability to her. I'll hurt her, take the joy out of it.
She stands and even with her tears she becomes my titanium girl. Strong and fragile- she's stunning. "I guess you've found your limits your boundaries?" No Baby I have accepted my failures. I'm just not wanting to force them on you, bring you down with me.
I'm confused by her look of pride, even through her tears. "That's good that means you're better." Is this better? I'm not feeling the adrenaline not feeling the anxiety. No all I'm feeling is my pure love for her, it's mixed in with my hope for our life together dying.
"You may not believe this, but I didn't tell you before because well I knew this life would be difficult for you, not something you would want. I wanted to make sure that you made the choice that was best for you, which you have done. I respect you enough not to make it harder." No this can't be made harder this is soul crushing. I want her to know how important she is to me, how much I love her, how I wanted our forever.
"I don't think that is possible. I love you. I wanted our life, I wanted to wake up next to you forever- I don't think you know how much I have missed it, missed your smell, your laugh, your warmth. You have always been the warmest person I know. I wanted that forever. I wanted you forever. I desperately wanted that moment on the beach with you, teaching our son to stand on a surfboard for the first time."
"You just don't want the other part of my life, and unfortunately that's a package deal now." No it's not an issue of want but an issue of ability. I'm not able enough for that part. I'd walk down any red carpet with her, sit through any interview, push through any media or fan swarm if I could, but I'd break.
"You have made your decision. I can see that. All your wants are past tense. I, me, that life is now a past dream for you. I get that now." She doesn't understand how much I love her if she thinks that, she will never be a past tense, she will always be my dream. A wish I can't fulfil.
My amazing soulmate then gives me a gift- taking care of me to the end.
"Dylan please don't be angry at any of them, it was my decision, my call. They, we may not act it but I am the guy's boss, and Ray, David, Camille are all on NDAs. My parents, they have wanted me to be honest from the moment we came back from Vegas, knowing that I hoped we could reunite." Thank you Baby, she must have known how much I needed to hear that. That my honorary parents wanted honesty with me.
"And my mother?" Does she know?
"Iris was the same as my parents. Though she also worried that the media hype happening before Christmas would have made you more anxious over my safety. She wanted you to be better before you found out." She knew but she was right in her motherly judgment, I would have been crushed by this, what this would have meant for her safety, the risks her life will have now. I doubt if I had known I could have got better. It makes me see they were both right to keep this from me. Fuck another realisation too late.
"She was right, it does. Even managing it better now I am going to worry about you alot, everyday." I don't add every hour, every minute, every second, in fear she will think I'm still unwell but that worry will always be there.
"No need, remember I live in Fort Knox." My brave girl aiming for humour and lightness in this pit of despair we both are in. "I'm glad you are doing better, but I think it's time for me to go." No, stay in this moment with me forever. My heart is ripping to shreds. I think of anything I can to make her stay just for a second more.
"You aren't going to ask me to sign an NDA?"
She turns and holds up her pinky. "Family doesn't sign." Even after this she still wants our promise to stand, our commitment. Then and there I decide that that promise symbolised with a different finger will be the only vows I make for life. That she will always be to me Mrs McKay, my wife.
"You know I'll always love you, that it is forever, that it's absolute?"
She doesn't turn back to me. Though before she walks out of our home she tells me the two words I had imagined in a very different setting and without the conjunction. "I do, but I'm realising that sometimes that just isn't enough."
No Baby sometimes it's all there can be.