A/N: Goodness me guys sorry it's been so long since I updated. I hope some of you are still reading. I am determined to finish this story, there's nothing worse than a fic unfinished. I've written up to around Chapter 12 but haven't added to it in months...I'll try and get back into it soon. Anyway, let me know if you're still here and still reading. x

Chapter 9.

Reading his words sent a shiver down her spine, a tingle of lust and a smidge of regret. She was in bed, wrapped warmly around the covers that acted as a comfort blanket to soothe her unease. In the second it took her to relieve the unease from her body, the feeling of discomfort sunk into her system once again. She no longer had to worry about him responding, she now had to worry about what on earth she was doing. What was she doing? She pondered regretfully as she watched Ryan amble around in the bathroom with his toothpaste. Relieved Ryan was fully occupied she swiped across the screen of her iPhone to draw a reply to Penn. Her thumb wavered reluctantly over the screen as her mind played tricks on her. Hearing Ryan finish up in the bathroom sent a rush of urgency through her system. 'Sounds good. 7pm?' She pressed send and quickly ignored the sinking feeling that this was nothing but a reckless mistake.

It was nearly 6pm on Saturday night and Blake hadn't been able to keep any food down all day. She had thankfully arranged for Ryan to spend the day with a friend and Robyn had been round to pick up the kids an hour ago. Blake was so glad to be alone. To have this hour of much required solitude before facing what had been slowly eating away at her for months was a relief. At this point she didn't even really know what she was going to say. Her thoughts had been racing ever since reading the words 'next Saturday' and her nerves were only reaching a in-formidable climax. Blake had been lounging around in her sweatpants all day but she knew she couldn't turn up in those. Or maybe she should, she wondered. Sweatpants had a hidden meaning, I have no interest in pursuing this, I am in love with someone else and there's not one bit of me that is trying to pull you back to me. ...Or she could change. Yes. She should change. Sweatpants may say 'I have no interest in you' but Blake still felt they were too informal for this pertinent meeting. Therefore she had two options. Get all glammed up which would undeniably give one impression and one impression only. Or, look nice. Nothing over the top, not some sexy dress that had her breasts spilling out of it or having her long, tan legs on display; and nothing so casual as sweatpants and an old knitted sweater, which quite frankly said why are we even having this conversation?

After over analysing her decision on what to wear for a little too long, Blake bounced up the stairs making her way to her closet. A little over 40 minutes had passed and she had tried on a grand total of six different outfits. She sighed in frustration, she was taking this too seriously and she hated that. She hated how her choice of clothing felt so important and she had yet to even make a start on her makeup. 'Fuck me' she uttered to herself as her hands desperately clawed through the various clothes in her closet.

It was now rapidly approaching 7pm and she had only just determined exactly what she was wearing. She made her way into her bedroom to lift her phone from the bed and started to type. 'Hi...I'm running a little late...can I be with you in 45 minutes? Sorry'. She didn't have time to wait for a response so she threw her phone back on her duvet and took a seat at her dressing table.

Almost 30 minutes had ticked by and she was finally ready. Psychically ready that was. Emotionally she was far from ready. She was genuinely shaking and fueled with nerves. She gave herself one long stare in the mirror. You can do this, she muttered under her breath, while shaking away the burning shame that lay firmly in the pit of her stomach. She grabbed her phone and made her way downstairs.

She knocked on his front door, her knuckles trembling in trepidation. Her eyes were on the floor, she wasn't sure she wanted to witness his reaction as he opened the door to see her standing there. But there she was. Penn swallowed hard. Her tight black jeans were gripped harshly to her long, slender legs; her hair was held in a loose ponytail, with the odd escaped wave framing her face. His eyes scanned her body, allowing every detail to rinse through his mind. Her red spaghetti top hugged her figure loosely but it was tight enough to remind him of her sizable breasts. That tentative smile lurking behind her exterior made his knees quake. What were they doing? She stood there marveling his appearance, even though she'd seen quite a bit of him lately she was always a little taken aback by him, forgetting how effortlessly attractive he was. God he was good looking. She winced a little at the thought before breaking the stillness between them. "Hi."

"Hey.."

She smiled a small smile, an undoubtedly uncomfortable one but a smile all the same. He stepped to one side and watched her saunter into his hallway.

The awkwardness had surpassed a little and they were now both sitting comfortably on separate couches, drinks in hand. Non alcoholic of course.

Her eyes were anywhere but his; she took in her new surroundings slowly as she ambled over what to say. He was looking at her, trying to make sense of it all, his jaw clenched in concentration.

"Nice place...I can see your style has changed a little over the years." She wasn't sure if it was a joke or a statement.

He just nodded. He wasn't in the mood for pleasantries or passing the time discussing trivial matters. He had invited his ex-girlfriend over, at night, while his wife was out, there was a sense of urgency about him that she didn't seem to share.

"So you texted me, what do you wanna talk about?" His voice was stern and he looked positively uninterested in the conversation. She glanced over at him and she could tell he was deflecting. Even after all these years she knew what every expression on that handsome face of his meant, or at least, she thought she did.

Blake a was a little put out by the haste which was reflected in the crinkle of his eyebrows.

"When I saw you…" she was hesitant and couldn't help feeling all her anguish and words would just be an accumulation of time badly spent. "...I mean...we haven't seen each other in seven years, Penn. And we used to see each other every day. Without fail. You were the biggest part of my life, you were the only part of my life that truly mattered." He didn't expect her to get this deep so quickly. "I don't have another ex like you...you are the ex." Her tone was sharp and her stare was relentless. How could she be so brave to look him in the eye all the while uttering such complex, yet honest words? "And I guess what I'm trying to say is...I don't know how this is supposed to feel? But…" she trailed off and her eyes that were once so confident and assertive were now distant and disquieted. "...when we hugged...when you...held me in your arms…" she took a sharp intake of breath, "I missed you." He felt a pang of angst erupt through his chest and his palms began to sweat.

In the time since they had agreed to see each other, his feelings had begun to subside. His fear lessened and his rather lustful thoughts were becoming a thing of the past. He could look at his wife without feeling guilt or discomfort, he could fall asleep at night without seeing her face or feel her hair brush against his warm cheeks.

He couldn't make out her expression as it was somewhat shielded by the loose hair that framed her face and he was glad, her words were cutting enough. His lips were ajar and his eyes danced around her concealed face. "I don't know what to say, Blake." He massaged his temples as he searched for words to make sense of it all but he wasn't sure those words existed. She was withdrawn and he knew it was his turn to speak, but she continued.

"I want to know how you feel, Penn? That night...we can't ignore that, can we?" She fidgeted about in her seat and raised her legs to lay folded to the side on his couch. Once again he was lost. Lost in a world he didn't want to be in, he clawed around in his mind to find a way out but it was useless. She was there and she was persistent. He gulped, preparing himself for the endeavour he was about to institute.

"Blake, I...I'm married. I'm gonna be a Dad and above all that I'm...really fucking happy." It was so clear he was, she could see it in his face, he wasn't smiling but she knew if he was, it would be a real one.

"I know, I know you are and I am too! I have been so happy. My life has been...perfect. It is perfect but I...what I felt the other night, I just want to know…was it mutual?" Her request was reasonable, her face was unobtrusive and her eyes were calming and sincere. He took a gulp of the liquid sat beside him, not that flavoured water would do much good.

"I think...I think what happened, with us, is normal, you know we...we loved each other once upon a time. Once upon a time you were…" he raised his fingers to his lips, perhaps a reflex from his brain telling him to stop talking. He didn't. "...You were everything to me, Blake. I loved you. I...loved you." Her lips were pursed together in a contorted half smile and she attempted to fight back the tears that threatened to fall. "And, you know, you're right...we were each other's world back then and that'll always mean something. I think…" he let out a wave of air as he scratched his head "...I think we just got carried away."

"Relax. I'll pay for it" she pushed her slim hand against his bicep, sending his body to this side in the process.

He looked at her sarcastically, light humour mixed through the lines of his face and the curl of his lips. He hated how much he wanted her to do that again. Or maybe, leave her hand there for a little longer.

"You make me laugh." He blurted. His rationale was slipping.

She nodded in defeat and moved a stray strand of hair from her face. Seconds later her eyes were back on his and he wasn't sure what she was trying to achieve. Their eyes locked and he wondered if she was trying to seduce him. That longing gaze and provocative pout from her lips used to send him wild. His jaw tightened as his hips pressed together firmly as he tried to make sense of her rather devilish expression. Those deep brown eyes of his had consumed her fully and she wondered if she'd ever fully stripped his name from her heart. Her eyes were now tantalisingly close to begging him to come near her, he could see it in her warped expression and he could almost feel the desperation radiating from her breath.

"I don't think there's much more to say." He rose from his seat in a flash and was already making faint gestures for her to get up and leave. She didn't deny him of his request and made her way to the door. Her visit was fleeting and she knew that was what they both wanted, deep down however she feared it wasn't what she needed. She swallowed hard and turned to face him one last time as she clutched her hand desperately on the door handle. "Okay, well thanks for talking this through with me." She smiled his way gently, halfheartedly and for a moment it broke his heart. He was acting like he didn't care anymore, like she was a person he had no interest in having in his life; and in many ways...she was that person. He looked at her harshly and his intense stare drove her to break her eyes from his and open the door slowly. Did she want him to stop her? Did she want him to pull her body to his for that fateful embrace goodbye? Or did she want to just walk out that door and never look back. Maybe all of the above. "Bye." She shot him a cold smile as her feet carried her out the building, with a piece of her heart still resting on his couch.

"Wait, Blake." She was now many feet away and that cold smile was now an inquisitive one, full of questions he knew he didn't have the stomach to answer. "You did mean a lot to me, you know that, right?"

"Yeah…" her nostrils were flaring and her smile was distorted. Not as much as you meant to me, she uttered under her breath. "Bye" Not giving his smile a chance to play with her heart or his eyes the opportunity to fuel her near dormant desire for him, she turned and she left.