Crossposted from my Ao3 account, MalaikaDream
Inspired by the song Would Anyone Care by Citizen Soldier
1.
The first time Sans sees them, they're up the mountain staring out at the valley and the setting sun, their fingers gripping the guard rail that stands between them and the cliff. Their expression is somehow both vacant and longing and it unsettles him. He doesn't really feel like he can walk away. Unfortunately, as soon as they notice his approach their face completely changes into a sweet smile that… seems genuine? And isn't that just its own kind of baffling?
"Beautiful sunset, huh? This is my favourite view in the whole city." They beam, like they're sharing a treasured secret. It's a little infectious, and Sans finds himself smiling back.
"i like it a lot too, great view of the stars at night."
"Yeah! I came up here a few years ago when we had that big meteor shower, it was stunning."
He talks to them for a while about space and his telescope, and by the time they realize how late it is and head back down the mountain with a smile and a wave, Sans almost feels like he could have imagined that first look on their face.
Almost.
2.
Sans runs into them several more times at the same spot. It's regular enough where it becomes part of his routine, and if he keeps making excuses to take evening strolls up the mountain, well, Papyrus is probably the only one paying enough attention to notice and he isn't going to say anything. He's just glad something is getting Sans to move his lazy bones.
It's about an even split on who gets there first, but they always smile when they see him no matter what look was there first. He would probably be more concerned if they weren't so endearing. They always show an interest in what he's up to, ask if he's okay, and offer support. It takes him a few weeks but he starts to warm up to the idea of talking to this person and spending time with them. Their little chats have been doing a lot to cheer him up lately.
He's having an off day the next time he goes up the mountain to see them. Nightmares had kept him up and chased him through the day to the point where he almost didn't roll out of bed to come up here, but when he'd considered just not going that made him even more sad, so he just sighed and got up to trudge his way up here. Paps would be proud, something is finally important enough to get him out of bed on one of these days. Go figure that it's a human he barely knows at all.
"Hey Sans!" Their smile is bright, and it kinda makes him smile too. "I was hoping you'd show up today, I was reading this article about the pictures they took of the black hole and I thought of you, have you seen them yet?" And just like that, they're talking about space and his off day is slipping away under their careful redirection. Did they notice he looked unhappy and try to cheer him up, right off the bat? Or was it just a lucky coincidence?
He leaves in a much better mood, and promises he'll bring his telescope next time.
He's even giving them a promise now.
3.
He knows it's a bad day the first time they don't smile when they see him. He's spent a lot of time talking to them by this point and he considers them a tentative friend, but they haven't talked about much beyond the superficial. Tonight, they're sitting with their legs through the guard rail and their arms resting on one of the lower rungs and they look so wrung out that Sans almost feels bad intruding on their quiet. Almost.
"hey bud, how's it going?" He gets a shrug and a sigh in response. "that good huh. you want me to stick around, or split?" He figures he should offer them the illusion of choice, there's no way he's going to actually leave them alone up here like this. Oh, he'd give them space just… stay close enough to intervene. Just in case.
Another shrug. "Whatever you want to do is fine, sorry. I'm just not going to be very good company tonight."
He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, leans back against the guard rail, and tucks his hands into his hoodie pocket. Is he really about to do this? Take this step? He looks up at the sky and it turns out he doesn't even need to think about it, the answer is already there. Yes. Yes, he is.
"you wanna talk about it?"
They glance at him, a mix of confusion and uncertainty. They probably didn't expect his tentative friendship to be quite so accepting. That's okay though because he didn't either. He's not sure if they find whatever they're looking for in his face because they just sigh and lay their head on their arms.
"you don't have to or anything. just figured, since i'm here and all. and you're here. and i don't mind listening if there's something you want off your chest."
Is he making sense? He probably sounds ridiculous. Stars he's bad at this, Paps is so much better than him at the whole supportive deal. Why is this so important to him? They're just a casual almost-friend. Who's hurting, and vulnerable, and has been nothing but kind and sweet to him.
"I just-" they start awkwardly, tentatively, as if expecting him to decide they're too much trouble and walk off at any moment, "wonder sometimes. About what would happen if I…. disappeared. If anyone would notice or… come after me." They shrug, again. When they start rubbing at the inside of their arms his attention is drawn to the myriad of small white lines there. Scratches? They look old though… but his attention is diverted when they continue "Sometimes I sit up here and stare down at the valley and fantasize about jumping. But then I think about the poor person who'd find my body and I never do." They stare straight out into the building darkness, tense as if bracing for rejection- like that's the only outcome they foresee from opening up like that.
And wow, that is simultaneously exactly what and nothing like he expected. He knows that feeling intimately. There are days where the only thing that kept him going was the thought of his brother finding his dust. He has had days where all he wanted was to blink out of existence and vanish from everyone's memory (and why was that familiar..?)
He comes out with a lame "i'd miss you" that is so woefully inadequate for his feelings on the subject but seems to be all he can make come out of his mouth just now. "i'd look for you too, if you didn't show up here like always." And now they're looking up at him and their eyes are so full of emotion he must have said something right. He sits (maybe it's a little closer to a flop, semantics) on the ground next to them, his back to the guard rail and knees bent. "i like having you around," He continues, leaning his skull back "i enjoy talking with you, so uhh…" he pauses, swallowing back the tightness building in his sockets. "don't make me go looking for your body, ok?" He finishes quietly.
He shouldn't have said that, that's such a callous shitty thing to say to someone in their position, it just slipped out before he could stop it. He's going to lose this friend right as he's realizing how much they mean to him and-and he feels their forehead press against his shoulder. He isn't sure if they noticed his minor internal panic, but if they did they don't seem to mind since this is probably the closest contact the two of them have ever had with each other.
They stay like that for a while, before they finally pull back and wipe their face on their sleeve. Their eyes are red but they seem a lot calmer than before. "Thanks Sans. You're a good friend." And doesn't that just set a warm feeling burning in his chest cavity?
"no problem bud. you'd do the same for me." He knows this is true, he's experienced their overwhelming kindness first hand, after all, he's even pretty sure they'd do it for a stranger. If their soul isn't green, he'll eat his slippers.
They smile and wrap their arms around his boney body in the most awkward side hug he's probably ever experienced in his life. He pats their arm and squeezes them back a little, grateful he was able to be here for them. Which actually, considering that…
"you got a phone?" He asks, "can i give you my number?"
"Yeah, here." They nod, dig it out of their pocket and hand it to him.
As he's putting his number in, he says "can you promise me something?" He glances over at them before looking back at what he's typing. "If you're ever thinking about that too hard, give me a call ok? Give me a chance to help ya." He finishes and offers the phone back to them.
Their eyes look a little watery again as they take it and nod.
"I promise."
4.
They don't call, but they do text him space puns so it's not any real loss. They're talking even more often now that it isn't restricted to whenever they both wander up the mountain at the same time. They've even started to meet other places like the coffee shop. Paps has been teasing him about having a datemate, but he keeps telling his brother they're just friends. He's not even sure if his human bud would be interested.
He tells them about his brother's gentle, if enthusiastic, ribbing one night when they've gone up the mountain together late for the express purpose of looking at the stars. He's expecting them to laugh about it too, maybe get a little flustered if it's something they are interested in and he's missed it. What he gets instead is a slow shift of their face into a sort of... longing despair? Like they trust him with their truest feelings on their face, and he knows it's a testament to how close they've gotten that the words that come out of their mouth are the honest root of their emotions.
"I've never felt… worthy. Of being loved." They look down at their lap where they're wringing their hands. "I just don't feel like I'm good enough." They shrug. "Like I don't deserve something like that, to be considered for that by someone. I'm not…." They sigh and bring their knees up to their chest, wrapping their arms around their legs and continuing to fidget. "I'm not worth it." They finish quietly.
Oh, stars.
He draws a deep, shaky breath and shuffles over to put his arm around their shoulders and they shift to rest their head against his clavicle. He leans his skull against theirs and they stay like that for a while, just comfortable together.
"you're wrong though." He says finally after he takes the time to sort out what he wants to say to them. "you're the best human i know. if you're not worth it, then nobody else is either."
"Well, I'm glad you think so." They laugh, and he's pleased he managed to turn their mood around somewhat. "You're the coolest monster I know though so I guess that makes it even."
"nah, that's only cuz you haven't met my bro." He grins widely, thinking about how he's sure Paps would hit it off with them. "now he's the coolest."
"I'll have to meet him sometime, if you think he's cool."
"yeah, he'd like you. he's always up for making friends."
They stay cuddled up like that late into the night, watching the stars move across the sky. He thinks one or both of them might have fallen asleep because the next time he checks the time it's the early hours of the morning and they both tiredly trudge down the mountain to head home.
5.
When the call does come he's not prepared for it at all. He's on the couch at home and the crew is watching a movie when his phone rings. He answers immediately and as soon as he hears the choked sob of "Sans, please" he's shortcutting to their spot without a second thought to what anyone else in that room might think.
He sees them, their back to the cliff like they're trying to reject it, kneeling in the mud left from the recent rain, clutching their phone like a lifeline. He's at their side between one breath and the next, placing a tentative hand on their arm to offer whatever support he can. They're only too happy to switch their hold from the phone to his hoodie. As he goes to his knees to wrap his arms around the shuddering form of what has become one of his closest friends, watching them fall apart, his strongest thought is 'let me in, let me share in your pain.'
He can hear their steady repetition of "I want to I want to I want to" followed frequently by "I can't" and occasionally, even more emphatically, "I won't." As he gathers the bulk of them into his lap, rocking gently, he notices their lips aren't forming words. That internal battle isn't coming from their mouth, it's coming from their soul.
If he took a moment to think about that, he might wonder at what point they had gotten close enough emotionally to communicate that way, or how it happened at all without direct soul contact, but he doesn't. He knows the feeling, knows all too well the debate with yourself when you're trying to find ways to keep going, so instead of taking time to consider the how or the why he simply responds in kind. With as much determination as he can muster he sends back, "let me give you a reason to stay."
He clings to them and they curl around him in return, burying their face into his hoodie. He keeps rocking them, running his hand down their back, providing whatever support he can, doing his best to hold them together. He whispers about how sweet they are, about how much their smiles meant to him, about how much he still wants to introduce them to his brother so they can have a contest over complimenting each other. He tells them all the places he wants to take them and how fun it would be to travel together.
Absently, he wonders how badly their soul might be cracked and if there's anything he could do about that, but he's not even sure they know that's a possibility, and right now isn't the time to bring it up.
It takes a long time, but eventually their trembling stills and their breathing evens. He stays a bit longer cradling them, unwilling to break the moment. Tentatively, he asks "how are you doing bud?"
Their answer is muffled by his hoodie, and the fact that they're probably mumbling to begin with, but it sounds like "I'm here." Which, given the circumstances, is honestly enough.
"will you be okay if i bring you back to mine? i don't think you should be alone tonight." When they nod, he tells them to "hold on tight" needlessly, because they already are and takes a shortcut to his room. He's not entirely sure how long it's been, he was a little preoccupied with things other than the passage of time, but there may still be company downstairs.
"want me to stay with you? my bed's right over there. I can lay with you or sit next to it or leave the room, your call ok? you want to lay down?"
They nod sluggishly and mumble out a "Please, stay."
"sure. let's get your shoes off and then we'll get settled alright?"
He's not going to take advantage of their compromised emotional state. He tucks them in and stays until they fall asleep, carding his phalanges through their hair to help them relax. Once he's sure they're out, he takes a shortcut to the kitchen to borrow a chair and then sends his brother a text letting him know they'll have a guest for breakfast.
He doesn't have much of a problem falling asleep in the kitchen chair, the ability to fall asleep anywhere is a talent he's proud of on a good day. And if he keeps jerking awake to make sure they're still there, who's going to know except himself anyway.
6.
They wake up in an unfamiliar room, with a very familiar skeleton next to them. Memories from last night flood in and they war with themselves, torn between being ashamed that they burdened their friend and being profoundly grateful that he's the kind of person he is and was willing and able to help them.
Being grateful wins and they reach for him, his sockets open when they shift like he was only dozing anyway, and he takes their outstretched hand in his. "Thanks for helping me last night Sans. It means so much to me that you care."
"anytime." He responds. "i mean it, anytime. if you're struggling, call me." He squeezes their hand in his. "the world would be changed without you in it you know. you can't be replaced, there's no other person that's like you."
They feel the tears in their eyes from the emotions his words stir in them. Does he have any idea how much that sentiment means? Maybe he does, maybe that's why he said it. Maybe he's really here for the long haul and he believes they're worth it.
"whenever you're ready we can go downstairs and i can introduce you to my bro. he's been wanting to meet you for a while. i told him he could make you breakfast and he got all excited."
"Yeah," they say, a warm feeling blossoming in their chest. "Let's go, I want to meet him too!" Their smile is bright and genuine, with this kind of support by their side they feel like they can fight their demons and finally have a chance at winning.
They feel like it's finally time to take back their life.