A/N: Hi all, sorry it's been FOREVER since I updated...but I have been determined not to leave this story unfinished. I think there will be just one more chapter to go. Please do review, they really mean a lot. I hope you enjoy this one and the last one to come.
Chapter 13.
They stood there, still in the doorway. Neither even attempting to fight the unapologetic beams that were demanding to take control. In letting those ecstatic and content grins take over them he resisted the urge of grabbing her and kissing her with all the passion that burned inside of him. Instead, he settled for a simple "hi…"
"Hi" she breathed quietly in return. There was almost a tear in her eye which caused his grin to quickly morph into a sympathetic smile. He grabbed her hand and pulled her slowly into the dining area. Seeing what laid before her made her lips tremble and her eyes blink furiously. Candles and flowers, a home cooked meal and an unopened bottle of Chardonnay sat proudly on the table for two. "Penn…." was about all she could manage. She glanced over at him to see nothing but pride and comfort etched into the corners of his smile.
"I uh...thought maybe we should talk." He paused. "I know...it would be easy to...not" he raised his eyebrow almost seductively at her. "But...I think we should...have dinner and just talk first. I feel like we haven't even really done that yet, you know?" She was nodding enthusiastically back at him all the while still fighting the tears that were promising to fall. "Okay, then let's sit and eat and talk." He couldn't wipe the smile from his face, it was like he was 21 all over again, young and blissfully content.
Ten minutes into the meal and half of it was already gone, they hadn't even talked over a lot of the big things they knew they needed to discuss. Not through delay tactics but purely and simply because they were having too much fun just being them again. "So...how is being a Dad? I can't believe it…" she trailed off almost nostalgically, as if uttering those words broke her just a little. Her younger self's dreams of carrying his first baby, her first baby, were a distant memory and an impossible reality. He inhaled deeply and rubbed his face firmly with his fingertips "well...not how I pictured. Domino is officially not speaking to me. I haven't even seen my son since the day after he was born." Guilt swept through her being, causing a sharp pain to promptly emit from her stomach.
"Oh...Penn, I'm so...sorry." She reached her arm across the table and placed her hand gently on top of his, running her thumb over his.
"It's...it's fine." He said nodding. "Well...I mean it's not but, I don't regret telling her. Hopefully she will get over it...someday."
"How did she take it?"
He laughed ironically at her question "...she already knew."
"What?"
"Yeah, you remember that clock you got me from that auction?"
"Yeah?" Her eyes were inquisitive but warm and her hand still sat firmly on his.
"Well...she broke it. Accidentally...and um...well" he tilted his head to the side at the memory "I was pretty mad about it and uh...she figured it had some connection to you and seeing how I reacted prompted her to tell me I needed to "think about things"...I believe were her words. Things being...you...I think." His nervous eyes met hers and it seemed they were telling a story of their own. Looking back at him she felt she didn't really need an explanation for that gaze told her almost all she needed to know.
She bit her lip tentatively before throwing another telling question his way. "So what did you tell her?" She was nervous too and he could see it in the movement of her bottom lip and the crease of her eyebrows. Taking in her beauty slowly he couldn't help but beam wildly back at her before continuing.
"Hi." His voice was slow and deep and she could tell just by looking at him he was enwrapped with guilt. Glaring back at him she threw her bag on the side table and began what she knew would be one of the most difficult conversations of her life. "So that's it then, you love her, you always have?" Her eyes were on the floor and she shuffled her feet around nervously to distract her from her intrusive thoughts.
"Domino...I…." he didn't know where to start. Rehearsing this conversation a thousand times before she got back had not aided him one bit. "I…." he sighed heavily and scratched his head in an attempt to encourage the cogs in there to start working. "I'm not sure what to say apart from I never saw this coming."
"Oh great!" she bellowed sarcastically.
"Look.." he rose from the couch and ambled towards her tentatively. "I love you. I still love you." She was avoiding his glare at every cost and crossed her arms at her chest. "But...you've always wanted honesty from me and I've always given it to you and...you're right. You're right. I didn't know it. I didn't accept it. I didn't embrace it and most of all I denied it. But you are right and I'm sorry that you are. I am so incredibly sorry...but I have-" He nodded and he knew this would add insult to injury but somehow he couldn't stop. "I have always...loved her."
Blake's lip was still quivering and her glistening eyes were beaming themselves back at his adorning gaze. "You love me?"
He bit his lip and he too was now battling away his own tears, congregating in the corner of his eyes. "I think…we agreed we wouldn't say that till I could kiss you. And...we're still eating and I think maybe we should finish first and then maybe...do that. Do both in fact…" She planted her hand on his cheek causing a stray tear to fall from his right eye. "But I wanna say it now" she breathed hungirly back at him.
"Then let's dig in" pulling his face slowly away from her grasp he yanked at the knife and fork in front of him and began throwing various bits of food into his mouth desperately. She too joined in on what could only be described as some kind of 'at home eating contest' before clearing both their plates in a matter of seconds. Staring blissfully into each other's eyes they began giggling euphorically. Letting the almost childlike laughter only last a few seconds he reached for her hand and stood up, pulling her up from the table too and into his hold. Breathing heavily once more her eyes explored his desperately, trying to speak a language that she wanted only him to understand.
"Blake…" he paused, allowing the enormity of the moment to encompass him entirely. She was thoroughly fighting back the tears now and a few managed to escape but the feel of each one landing on her cheek filled her with further joy. For they were quite possibly the happiest tears she had ever shed. She wanted to go first, but seeing that look in his eyes and that goofy grin on his lips stopped her. "I um…" taken a back he stumbled a little on his words as relentless tears struck at his eyes too. She brushed the tears gently from his cheeks and smiled warmly back at him, blinking harshly to improve her vision. A small laugh escaped his lips, in spite of everything he wondered if this was the happiest he'd been in almost a decade. Shaking his head at the harsh and frightening realisation, his eyes fell to the floor.
"Hey, hey, what is it?" She grabbed at his other cheek and pushed his eyes to look back at hers.
"I just…" the tears fell once more. But this time it was not the odd one or two it was tens in a matter of seconds. The flood gates had opened fully now and he shook a little in her embrace.
"Baby, it's okay. She reassured as she began to massage her palms on his cheeks.
"I just…" sniffing heavily he attempted to regain control. "I don't think I've been truly happy since I was with you and I think I'm only just realising that."
She felt a small piece of her heart break in that moment and wondered if she had known this all those years ago, known he was unhappy...would that change anything? Looking into his glassy eyes a sympathetic and twisted pout formed on her lips and she began brushing away the new tears that had landed on his cheeks.
"You're not allowed to leave me, okay?" His words were raw and his tone was almost harrowing. Desperately wanting to fill him with all the happiness she knew he so desperately deserved she pulled his face closer to hers. His eyes devoured her and his hands gripped tightly at her waist, for he knew even if she ever tried to leave, he wouldn't let her. Losing her once more would single-handedly break his already broken heart. Shatter it into a thousand pieces that perhaps not even her could put back together. She looked deeply into his eyes as she continued to rub his cheeks, seeing him this broken made her question every decision she had ever made. Suddenly her whole life felt like one huge mistake. It of course wasn't but somehow seeing him like this made everything feel different. She felt guilty for leaving that night. For not fighting for what they had because she knew and wholeheartedly believed it was something worth fighting for. However that look in his eyes that night, that almost emotionless look that he wore made her feel fighting for them just wouldn't be worth the bother. Snapping out of her harsh and painful trance she realised she hadn't even responded to him yet and she feared she had damaged him more. Pulling his face even closer, she rubbed her nose against his and sighed against his lips. "I promise."
"You took a little while to answer..." Penn was very rarely vulnerable and there were only a few moments they had shared where she saw his insecurities and this was one of them. She wanted to grab at them all and stomp on them multiple times over until he felt truly content and secure but sadly she knew that was impossible. Therefore all she could do was tell him something she had been yearning to tell him for what felt like the longest time. "Penn…" a beam erupted from her lips and she continued to claw at his cheeks desperately as she wanted him to believe her words with everything he had. Emotion taking over her like a tidal wave she broke a little too as she choked on her words. "I love you." Her lips were dancing in a contorted smile come pout, causing her cheeks to rise and fall with her outburst. "It took me the longest time to make peace with the fact we were over. Seeing you everyday, not being able to love you..was the worst experience of my life. I used to wake up and wonder, 'would today be the day you realised you'd made a mistake?' and I'd look at you, wanting desperately to see hope in your eyes...but I never did." It was her turn to be vulnerable. "I wanted you to see how much I missed you and how much I still wanted you and how it broke me not being with you…" she paused "...and it was so hard because I was sure you could see how upset I was, how my heart still longed for you but you never did anything. You never said anything...and that made me feel even worse because I wondered if you could even see the hurt in my eyes. How losing you was the worst thing that's ever happened to me and feeling like you didn't even know that was heartbreaking enough." She inhaled deeply as the tears continued to flow. "I waited for you." She looked back up into his apologetic eyes before continuing. "I waited for you for what felt like an eternity. Even when I first started dating Ryan...I was waiting for you." She shook her head a little as her eyes fluttered, almost scared and ashamed to admit it. "But you never came." Blake laughed ironically at herself as her emotions continued to get the better of her. "Losing you was the worst thing that ever happened to me. That night was the worst night of my life but somehow waiting for you was even harder because as each day went by...my hope that you would come back faded that little bit more." Looking up at his bleak and broken stare she realised she wasn't being the most tactful. He had just told her he'd basically spent the last ten years miserable and she decided to pour her heart out making him feel even worse? "I'm sorry…I…" she tremmered, "I just...it's the truth you know and I just...wanted to say it because I don't wanna have to ever go there again. I just wanna move forwards. I want us to be us again but a better us than before. Though god knows if that's possible I mean, we were pretty amazing." She shot a cheeky wink his way causing a beam to break free from his lips. He nodded slowly, what was a wide beam was now a sly smirk, his lips pursed forwards seductively. "That we were." He laughed a little, ironically. "Stupidest mistake of my life." She smiled a small smile and lowered her hands to rest on his chest. "I want to say it now…" his lips were dancing and grinning in a way they hadn't for some time. Bracing herself, she inhaled deeply allowing her top lip to land gently over her lower lip creating that sexy pout he loved so much. "Blake…" he paused, emotion wrapping tightly around his lungs and bringing salty tears to the corners of his eyes. "I…" he pulled her in a little tighter, their bodies touching and their noses grazed against each other. Looking down and taking her in he prepared himself to utter three words he hoped would free him from years of misery and denial. Snapping his eyes up to meet hers, he spoke, "I love you."