AN: Thank you for your lovely reviews and alerts. If you guys wouldn't mind, I would like a little more input. Maybe things that you have read before that you liked or didn't like. Things that you wish you had read but haven't come across. I like getting criticism, even the bad stuff.
I am not going to lie, I cried during the last chapter. Mostly when Jasper breaks down and gets in her face and then starts crying in her lap… it was emotionally wrenching for me… and I wrote it! So what did you think? Anybody need to grab a tissue?
The song title for this one is Last Kiss and also What Hurts the Most by Boyce Avenue. Listening to both songs in that order will make the emotion seem much that more real. I discovered their music on youtube looking for some good acoustic alternatives to popular songs and I fell in love. So you will see a lot of them. And they sent me a message on twitter! Squee! Which by the way, I am AStarDanced. Feel free to drop a line, anything.
I also have a banner for this story on my profile page if you want a sort of visual guide I made to maintain my 'voice'.
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters that I am about to emotionally torment… probably for good reason.
Chapter Three: the Last Kiss is What Hurts The Most
JPOV
It had been exactly one year, six months, eleven days, fourteen hours, twenty two minutes and forty three seconds since my world ended.
The pain had not lessened any. I still lounged in bed all day, unmoving, staring at the ceiling without actually seeing anything. Alice's smell was everywhere, stale and fading but not gone. Sometimes I could swear I heard her laugh or kiss my cheek. But she wasn't here anymore. I still spent most of my time thinking about her… about my mistake that had ended up taking her life. Something so trivial couldn't possibly have such permanent and devastating consequences
"I don't care if we have all the money in the world, you don't need to take Bella to Milan to get more clothes and shoes," I shouted as Alice perched on our bed, glaring at me. Despite her small size, she could be quite intimidating when she wanted to be. Usually when she was talking about designers and all things expensive.
"Bella needs to see the world! She needs to see Italy and France and Spain and Russia and Japan! It's up to me to take her to all those places because you know Edward never will!" I slammed my hand down on the desk and it cracked in two and collapsed in on itself.
"I DON'T CARE," I yelled. "There is no way that I am letting you out of this house now that we know the Volturi want you! Especially after you liedto me about not coming back from Volterra! You knew that you would most likely die going in there and you did it anyways! If it hadn't been for the fact that Bella is immune to everyone's powers, you would have died! I would have lost you! Do you understand what almost happened? What I almost lost?" Alice rolled her eyes.
"I am fine," she screamed. "I am not dead, or dying or being hunted by the Volturi. If Jane had her way, she would have killed me right then and there but she would never dare to go against Aro's wishes. I don't even understand why you are so upset! It's just a shopping trip to Milan! I am a super strong, bulletproof, fast, venomous vampire! I am pretty sure I can handle anything that comes along!" I sped up to her and towered over her, feeling her anger and letting it fuel my own.
"You. Are. Not. Going. Period." I hissed the words out and growled when she glared up at me and then clenched her teeth. She grabbed her purse and her car keys and headed for the door. "Where the hell are you going?" She stopped and turned to give me a scathing look.
"There's a clearance sale in Seattle on YSL. I trust that isn't too dangerous for me to go to." She stormed out. Seconds later, I heard her Porsche purr to life and tear out of the driveway, scattering gravel in its hasty movement. I hit the bed and then sighed.
Why couldn't she understand that all I wanted was her safety and for her to be honest with me. After finding out from Edward how close they had come to being destroyed in Volterra, I wanted to chain Alice to the bed and never let her out of the house. But I knew that was impossible. She was like a force of nature: not to be reckoned with. She didn't seem to grasp what her death would have done to me. I probably would have gone back to murdering humans for sport.
To try and calm down, I went downstairs and engaged in game of Halo with Emmett, who had been looking for someone to play with for days now. He didn't say anything to me and I didn't say anything.
"Dude," he finally said, breaking the silence. "Don't break the controller." I looked down at my hands and saw that I was gripping the handles to tightly that the plastic was starting to crack.
"Sorry," I mumbled. My phone rang and I whipped it out of my pocket and looked at the caller ID.
Alice.
I sighed and flipped the phone open. "If you think I've calmed down, don't bother-" I started to say but she cut me off.
"Jasper," she said and I could hear the sobs in her voice. I immediately went into Major mode. I noticed that something was crackling in the background.
"Alice! Alice, what's wrong? Where are you?" I heard her cry harder.
"Listen Jasper, it's too late. You won't make it here on time. I'm trapped in a building. It's on fire. I'm surrounded. I guess you were right. Jane was tracking me and when I got to the building the sale was supposed to be in, it was empty. I didn't realize what she had planned until she had set the place ablaze. There's no way out."
"I'm coming," I said swiftly, grabbing Emmett who was cracking his fists angrily. We headed out the door at top speed and took off through the forests toward the city.
"No, Jasper, believe me, it's too late. You won't make it here on time. Listen, please, I don't have a lot of time. I love you. I am so, so sorry that I didn't understand the worry and anxiety and pain that I caused by not telling you about Volterra. I'm sorry for that time that I broke my wedding ring and threw it at you. I wish we had more time." Her voice was cracking –with fear or pain, I couldn't tell. I held back sobs in my voice, speeding up through the forest.
"Look, please tell Bella that it will all work out. Tell her that she is strong and beautiful and that there is something wonderful waiting for her around the corner. And tell everyone I love them and I'm sorry I didn't see this coming. And please, Jasper, if you remember anything from this conversation, remember this: There will come a time when you will want to move on but won't be able to because you are so worried about being true to me. I want you to remember how much we loved each other and then take that chance at happiness and run with it. And always remember our last kiss." The phone was immediately filled with the sound of Alice's screams as the flames touched her skin and began to burn her like a piece of tinder.
"ALICE," I screamed into the phone. The call ended.
We made it to the building as the firefighters arrived. I tried to head in there, but Emmett grabbed me and held me back, stun and devastation rolling off of him. I dropped to my knees and felt the sobs I had been repressing wrench themselves painfully from my throat and echo through the night air. I kept calling Alice's name, expecting her to come running out to me and wrap me in one of her hugs. My arms felt empty without her tiny, familiar figure in them. Emmett sat on the ground next to me and shook with sobs of his own. A few minutes later, the rest of the family arrived and seeing us on the ground, gut-wrenching sobs bursting from our lips, they began to cry for Alice also. I could still hear her voice ringing in my head from the call: "I wish we had more time."
She was gone.
My Alice was gone.
And still the pain eats away at me, her words ring in my head and I fall deeper and deeper into the dark world that is my new existence. And everyday, I expect something to get better, some aspect of my life to improve.
But it never does.
Everyday I berate myself for letting our physical encounter be a fight. And I wish more than anything, that I could have known. I wish that I could have gotten to her on time. And for days I went on and on without ever feeling any better, without ever seeing that change, the moment when her prediction for my future would reveal itself. But it never has and it never will because she is the one person that I cannot ever get over.
It wasn't until Edward left Bella months ago that I left my room. When he'd come home and I felt his anger and impatience, I knew something was not right. Especially since I had heard Bella get out of the car and did not hear her with him. I'd stormed out of my room, recalling the conversation I'd had with Bella when she was under the mistaken impression that Edward was spending his time away from her to comfort me.
I stormed into the living room, murder in my heart. I slammed him into the wall, living an imprint of his body there. My face was inches from his and I was growling.
"Where is she," I hissed.
"I left her a mile south of here. She wouldn't let me bring her home." I could feel his discomfort as he lied. I tightened my grip and clenched his arm.
"What did you do to her?" The family was trickling in at this point, alarmed at the commotion and display of physical violence.
"Nothing. I just told her that I thought we needed to part ways. Then she got angry and went berserk and so I left." I snarled and flung him over my shoulder to the floor.
"You bastard," I spat. "Was Tanya worth it? Were all her games and ploys and tricks worth what you have done to that beautiful girl's heart? To her life? And in the name of Alice! You hurt her dearest friend pretending to be mourning her when all you were doing was screwing one of her least favorite people! I ought to turn you into ash, right now." I lifted a fist threateningly but someone's hand caught mine. I looked up into Esme's angry but calm face.
"Go get Bella, Jasper. Please." I glared back down at Edward. I stood up and turned, then, before she could stop me, I spun around and slammed my foot down on Edward's face. I heard with satisfaction the sound of rock cracking.
"You never deserved her," I said, leaving the room.
I ran to the spot where I could trace Edward's scent. But she wasn't there and I noticed that her scent was past, moving towards the mountains. I raced after her and knew I had found her a few hundred yards away as I heard her sobbing in the stillness of the forest. As I approached, I could smell the hot blood that was running down her legs. I noticed with grim humor that the blood held no call for me. I was in too much pain and angry to pay attention to something so trivial as her life force, something that before losing Alice, I would not have been able to stop myself from taking. I accidentally snapped a twig as I came towards her and I saw her head swing up. I felt her fear as I approached. She closed her eyes and I felt resignation and –strangely enough –hope as I came closer. I gently lifted her and we headed back to the house.
After I had broken down to Bella, I had been able to manage daily life at least once a week. I went hunting and hugged Esme. But my heart wasn't in it. I couldn't help but think that when Bella had hugged me goodbye, a small, miniscule piece of my broken soul had mended itself. And then I'd let go, leave to someplace where she at least had a chance of fixing herself.
I missed her. She was the only one who really understood.
I climbed off my bed and walked at human speed down to the living room. The family –all but Edward who had high-tailed it out of here like the coward he was as soon as I had left –was all seated on the couches and chairs as Emmett read something aloud.
"- Not entirely sure it was the best idea, but my dancing lessons have taught me a little more mastery in the art of coordination than I knew before. I often go rock climbing in the mountains around the house and I think my knees have become so scarred they are strong as elephant skin." Everyone chuckled and I realized that this was Bella's weekly letter to the family. "I miss you all so much. I cannot express how grateful I was to fly in and be met not only with a car, but with a home as well. I feel full of life and while I am not completely mended by the pain I experienced, I feel like a more whole human being and sometimes I barely remember why I was so upset. I hope everyone is well and that you are all behaving yourselves in my absence. Esme, thank you so much for the brownies and jerky. They both taste wonderful. Carlisle, I greatly appreciate the book on basic first aid. I have used it so much already that the binding is wearing thin. Rose, I loved the sweater; autumn has set in and already there is a bite –no pun intended- in the air." The family chuckled again. "Emmett, while I appreciate the lovely lingerie, I am not, as you so eloquently put it, 'getting any'. I just don't feel ready for that yet. But if that becomes a possibility, I will definitely be sure to wear them. Please give the letter for Jasper to him. Take care. Love, Bella." Emmett pulled out a sheet of paper and handed it back to me. I took it and felt a sense of slight uplift in my soul. Bella's letters always made me feel better.
"Dear Jasper,
My dance partner asked me yesterday why I was taking the class. When I told him I was becoming a more complete, accomplished woman to stick it to my loser of an ex-boyfriend, he laughed and offered to come with me next time I see Edward to show off. I didn't have the heart to tell him that no one dances better than a vampire.
My cooking classes are finished and I am proud to say that I have mastered the art of Indian cuisine as well as Italian, Spanish and Chinese. I can now astound everyone I know with my amazing Chicken Sambal. I wish you could try some. I never knew that I could express myself through food. I have written a recipe for these cookies. I think they describe where I am in the healing process. They are sweet but there's a hint of heat from the chili powder I put in.
How are you doing? Did you listen to me and get out of bed yesterday to watch the meteor shower? I hope you did. It was beautiful. I watched it from the cabin porch. It is so beautiful and dark up here that I could see every star in the skin, shining like they existed just for me to awe over. I like to think that you listen to me when I tell you to do something.
I got a care package from your family. Can you believe Emmett got me this slinky, lacy number from Victoria's Secret? What does he think I'm doing up here, going to a bar every night and picking up guys to take them home and make angry, bitter love to them? I swear sometimes I don't know what he is thinking.
I'm happy with my choice to be here, but I am starting to feel lonely. I'm up here in the mountains with no neighbors where the nearest town with a Wal-Mart is twenty miles away and I wish just a little bit, that I had someone to talk to. I wish you were here. I always feel like I can take on the world after talking to you.
Anyways, I have to go. I have a yoga class at four and it takes me forty minutes to get there. Then for dinner: buttery asparagus with cedar plank grilled salmon –that I caught myself!
Please take care of yourself.
Love, Bella
I smiled at her description of what she should be using her lingerie on. I mentally cheered her as she bragged about her newly mastered cooking abilities. I had indeed gotten out of bed and spent hours watching the meteor shower, wondering what she was thinking as she watched the rocks flame in the atmosphere.
I missed her too.
As I contemplated that, it occurred to me that there was nothing here to hold me to Forks. I loved my family, but they did not understand, could not comfort me. Bella understood all too well the feeling of losing the person you thought was the reason for your existence. Her confiding in me her loneliness made up my mind for me. I went upstairs and began to throw clothes into a suitcase. When most of my belongings were in there, I paused. I was staring at a ratty, holey T-shirt from a civil war reenactment in 1997. Alice loved that T-shirt but she never wore it if anyone but me was around. I picked it up off the ground and sniffed it, breathing in her beautiful scent. It was faint. I gently folded the t-shirt up and laid it on the top layer of the suitcase. Then I picked up my suitcase and left. I walked out the door after saying goodbye and got in my car and pulled away from the house towards a better hope of healing.
I heard Alice's voice in my head:
"And always remember our last kiss."