I am so glad that you have all been enjoying You Won't Feel A Thing so far and I know that after this chapter I will have to beat you all off of me with a stick with all the love that will be going around! But this chapter is a catalyst and turning point and therefore, I must write it, even if I wish we were past it and into the fluffy love stuff already.

The song title for this chapter is The Hardest Thing by Tyler Ward. You can find him on Youtube and iTunes. The other song is Near To You by A Fine Frenzy. You will definitely see more of their songs used later in the story.

This chapter is a little strange. I didn't want to split it into two different chapters because honestly, I would just like to get it over with and not dwell on it too long. So I split the chapter into Bella's POV and Jasper's POV.

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer did not torture these characters when she created them to be hers forever... maybe they defect if you torture them...

Chapter Nine: The Hardest Thing is being Near To You

BPOV:

I climbed out of the car with Jasper's help and walked slowly up the path through the trees. It was windy and the clouds promised a truly terrible storm today; oddly fitting considering what this day was. I noticed that neither Jasper nor his family, excluding Edward, were in any rush to move faster than I was. I looked at his face and he was deep in thought, pain reflecting his eyes, but other than that he was blank faced. I fingered the flowers I was carrying gently, trying not feel bitter. All the progress I had made thus far was thanks to Jasper and when he had told me that he was moving past Alice's death a couple months ago, it did wonders for the guilt I had been drowning in. If Jasper was coming to terms with his life, after losing his wife, then so could I. I learned not to hate myself for Alice's decision to call me before him, learned not to question her motives anymore. She knew something that I did not and that was good enough for me.

We broke through the trees into a clearing and I swallowed back tears as I faced the headstone, lovingly surrounded by flowers and a tree; the handiwork of her loving mother with the green thumb. I walked forward and placed the daisies that I had purchased centered on the ground. I stood back, reading the inscription over and over.

Alice Whitlock Cullen

So are you to my thoughts as food to life,

Or as sweet-season'd showers are to the ground;

And for the peace of you I hold such strife

As 'twixt a miser and his wealth is found;

Now proud as an enjoyer and anon

Doubting the filching age will steal his treasure,

Now counting best to be with you alone,

Then better'd that the world may see my pleasure;

Sometime all full with feasting on your sight

And by and by clean starved for a look;

Possessing or pursuing no delight,

Save what is had or must from you be took.

Thus do I pine and surfeit day by day,

Or gluttoning on all, or all away.

Despite the two year lapse of time between when Alice had first died and now, being here, in front of her headstone, having the tangible truth of it in front of me made me feel as though I hadn't believed it, as though the truth of it were hitting me for the first time. When I had first met Edward, after Alice and I had become like sisters, never in an eternity had I pictured that I would be standing here, in this situation. I stared at my hands, willing myself not to cry, to remember the most beautiful moments of Alice's life with me instead of the fear in her voice during our last conversation.

"Alice, you know I love you, but there is absolutely no way that I am going to Dartmouth," I said, laughing while Alice painted my toenails and told me about all the beauties of the Ivy League school back east. Apparently Edward wasn't the only one who had their heart set on my attendance there.

"Come on, Bella," she said lightly, her hands moving unerringly over my feet. "The campus is beautiful and you've never been to college before. I'm not saying give up being a vampire; I'm just saying that maybe it wouldn't be so terrible for you to discover some of the beauties of human life before you change. Besides, Edward gets so bored with school. It would be beyond wonderful of you to do this for him so that he could help you." I gave her a look of contempt and she laughed. "Okay, not the best reason but come on! Why don't you want to go to college?"

"I never said I didn't want to go to college, Alice. I just don't want to put off being a vampire that long."

"Is it because of the Volturi," Alice asked in exasperation. "Because I have my eye on them so they won't make a decision without us knowing. Besides, I told you before; it could be thirty years before they remember you."

"It's not the Volturi," I said quietly. "I just... Edward is seventeen. He will always be seventeen. I'm already eighteen. I don't want to wait so long that I won't be able to go to school with him, to graduate with him. And I don't want to wait so long that I look closer to Carlisle's age and we have to rethink the cover story. I can't pass for Esme's or Carlisle's sister. Yours or Emmett's maybe, but not theirs. I don't want to wait, Alice." She was silent, staring at my toes which she had long since finished. I worried that maybe I had offended her when she looked up at me seriously.

"Bella, you don't just want to change because you're afraid that if you don't Edward will leave you again, do you?" Her voice was quiet and pained and I wondered if this was something she had seen.

"No, Alice. If anything... if anything I am more scared that he will leave me after I change. What if I make a horrible vampire? What if I can't hunt correctly? Or I'm the first clumsy vampire in the history of vampires? What if I change so much that he doesn't love me anymore because I won't blush or talk in my sleep? What if he misses my heartbeat so much that its silence drives him away? How can I spend an eternity without him?" Alice looked at me sympathetically.

"Oh, Bella, that could never happen. It would take a much more detrimental loss than that of your blush or heartbeat to make Edward pull away from you."

"But what if this... this relationship is only as exciting for him as it is because I'm his singer? What if the danger is what is making all of this so exciting?"

"Bella, if you think that Edward is with you out of some sick game to test his self control, you are sorely mistaken. Edward would never risk your life over something so trivial. He loves you, Bella."

"I just... what if something happens? What if Carlisle or Esme died, Alice? What if that drove him away from me? How can I survive alone?" She took my warm hands in her cold ones and squeezed gently. I looked into her eyes, tears pooling in my own and sliding slowly down my cheeks.

"Then you will always have me," she said confidently. "And Jasper," she added when I sniffed. "We will always be there for you. And if he can walk away from you then you two aren't mates. There is somewhere out there for you, Bella. If it isn't Edward, there is someone else." I hugged her tightly, drawing strength from the promise that she would never leave me.

But she had left me. I don't think even she ever suspected that Jane would do what she did. Jane's punishment and death was the only time I'd returned to Volterra and the only time I would be permitted to do so as a human. I know that Caius had wanted me killed and my family punished for not being changed yet but Carlisle, being the old friend that he was, had convinced him that it would draw more attention and questions to change me before graduation than after. We didn't bother to tell him that graduation was only a few months away. Aro had convinced his brother to back off in the grief of the loss of Alice, who had so desperately wanted in his guard, that was brought about by the betrayal of his 'dear Jane'.

The stone walls were dark in the blackness of night, lit only with the torches that the human servants had lit and placed in brackets at intervals on the ancient walls. I looked around unfeelingly and my heart twisted uncomfortably when my eyes met Jasper's face, devoid of emotion but his eyes were burning with loss or anger, I didn't know.

"Dearest friends," Aro said, the normal cheerfulness gone from his voice. He was deadly quiet and did not bother to hide his emotions on his face. He stepped forward and Carlisle took his hand in a brotherly manner. Aro's face creased with grief and finally he let go after seeing everything there was to see. "Carlisle, allow me to apologize again for the loss of your daughter. Alice was a rare and beautiful blossom. It is so sad that she was plucked before her full bloom could be seen." My eyes flashed over to Jasper's again and I noticed his face had turned down in a grimace. I was guessing Aro's description of the betrayal of his most beloved guard member wasn't as accurately portrayed as he thought.

"It has been difficult, Aro, but we are relieved that at least there will be justice for Alice's life," Carlisle said reminding him subtly that it was his own guard who had 'plucked the flower'. Aro nodded understandingly.

"Of course. Such defiance and violence must be punished. Edward," he said, turning to look at Edward and I standing together on the edges of the group. He wasn't holding me. He wasn't touching me at all, but that was becoming the norm I had come to realize. Edward's face revealed nothing but I noticed his mouth turned down slightly. "I would greatly appreciate your insight on this whole mess. After all, you have the bigger picture." He stepped forward, hand outstretched and Edward met his hand and then clenched his jaw as the information passed between them.

"Enough," Aro shouted, voice thick with pain. He was hunched over and it took him a few moments to straighten. Caius and Marcus were watching him with worry and suspicion, ready to call the guard to dispatch Edward if anything was truly wrong with their brother. When he did straighten, his eyes flew to Jasper who was staring at the ground unseeingly. "Such pain," he gasped, still trying to regain his composure. "Such agony; it must be so hard to handle." He stepped toward Jasper who finally raised his head and looked at Aro blankly. "I am in wonder at how you can feel her loss so sharply and not cause those around you to suffer also," he said, gesturing to our family. Jasper's jaw clenched.

"Jasper's control is amazing," Carlisle said finally when we realized that Jasper couldn't or wouldn't answer. "He only projected his pain once since Alice's passing, the night that we lost her."

"Who did he share his pain with? Who was so strong they could bear the oppressiveness of it?" Everyone's eyes turned to me and I swallowed, blush rising in my cheeks. "No," he said in disbelief. "Surely he could not have shared with this beautiful human and she survived unscathed," he said, his voice full of an echo of the wonder and excitement I was used to.

"Bella handled it well," Esme said, shooting me a soft smile. Yes, if you could call wishing for death, screaming and tearing up the ground in agony well.

"Such a wonder, beautiful Isabella," he said, raising my hand to his lips and I fought against the urge to pull my hand back in disgust.

"Let's get on with this, Aro," Caius's cold voice broke in. "Jane has committed a capital offense and must be punished." I used to wonder if Caius only hated those who did not serve him. I know knew that he hated everyone. Aro's face turned grim and he turned and returned to his seat.

"Of course. Demetri, bring Jane in if you please," he said and moments later, Jane was brought in, carried by Alec who was staring at her in disgust. I wondered what the purpose of this was but my questions were answered by Emmett who leaned over to whisper to me in my confusion.

"Alec's gift deprives you of your senses. It was the only way to control Jane so that she wouldn't use her gift to escape," he said grimly and I suddenly felt sick. Her own brother was using his gifts to aid in her execution. Alec set Jane down and then proceeded to cover her eyes with layers of blindfolds to stop her from using her gift while they questioned her. Finally she came to and struggled slightly against Felix and Demetri's iron grips.

"Jane, you have been brought before the Brotherhood to pay for your crimes against Alice Cullen, an ally and friend of the Volturi. You have been sentenced to dismemberment and burning for the death of Alice Cullen," Caius hissed at her.

"Do the Cullens have anything they wish to say before we proceed," Marcus rasped out. We remained silent.

"How did she do it? How did she trick her?" We all turned to Jasper's harsh voice in surprise. He was glaring at Jane with such a violent loathing that I half expected her to burst into flames from the heat of his anger.

"Jane," Aro asked her.

"I used a false email account and mailed her the advertisement for the sale. I never made a decision to send it, left it with a human with instructions that he should. I instructed a group of humans to prepare the warehouse, placing explosives around every entrance and exit along with accelerant. The email instructed that the sale was inside. I was surprised that it worked so well," she said, voice devoid of emotion. I felt disgusted as she talked about the preparations she made for my sister's murder as though relaying the instructions for a test. "She was preoccupied. That is what distracted her from noticing that she was alone, that something was off. By the time she realized this of course, I detonated the explosives and watched the warehouse burn. I don't know how the crimes were linked back to me. I assume she died before she could tell anyone.

"She survived long enough to call her mate and tell him everything," Edward hissed at her and I felt my stomach churn as I thought of the first call she had made. Aro's face was contorted in fury and Caius's held a light of excitement, I assumed from the nearing execution and his love for violence. Marcus's normally impassive face was twisted in sadness and I wondered briefly how his mate had met her untimely end.

"Jane, I am so thoroughly disappointed and disgusted with you," Aro said. "You, who were so special, so dear to me. How could you betray me so completely by killing someone I hoped would join our little coven?"

"She was replacing me in your affections, master," Jane pleaded, her voice showing emotion for the first time. "She sought to out me from position in your guard and turn me into an outsider." I heard Jasper, Edward, Emmett and Rosalie growl in anger.

"Alice was content with our family," Rosalie hissed. "She had no plans to come to the Volturi anytime soon. It was your own jealousy that moved you to murder her!"

"She did! She did, master! She wanted you to love her more, to love me less!" As she continued to plead with Aro for his understanding, he nodded at Demetri who grabbed Jane's arms and ripped them off, followed by her legs and finally, her head, cutting off her ear-splitting screams of pain. I turned my head to Emmett's side, already knowing I would not find comfort with Edward and he held me close, hiding my face from the image of Jane's body being stacked in a pile and lit on fire by Aro.

I couldn't help but feel a small amount of satisfaction that Jane had suffered like Alice.

All these memories assaulted me as I stood at the last standing monument of my almost sister. I couldn't fight the annoyance and anger I felt as I realized that Edward should be standing here whether we were together or not. His claim to loving Alice more than any of his other siblings felt like another false claim as our family stood there without him. Jasper was frozen in place, a statue kneeling before the grave of his beloved.

I couldn't even begin to wonder what thoughts were tormenting him.

JPOV:

This wasn't right.

I shouldn't be kneeling in front of Alice's grave, reliving all the memories we had together while the wind whipped my hair in my face and my family sobbed quietly behind me. Esme had been wonderful in handling my gift for Alice's memory. She had designed the shoes and sent me the design while I stayed with Bella and then commissioned an up and coming designer that Alice had been sponsoring to make them. When I'd seen the final product, my throat had constricted painfully as I was struck with visions of how Alice would have reacted. I could see her excitement, hear her squeals of delight and felt her arms and legs wrap themselves around me, her lips pressed all over my skin in gratitude. I could see her in them, moving lithely as though dancing. She always made life look like a dance.

Bella and I had driven up here and the entire ride up, when she wasn't sleeping, we were progressing through her feelings, sharing our feelings and thoughts about this anniversary. It had been Bella's idea to have a small gathering to offer gifts in tribute to my former wife. She'd been dissatisfied that she couldn't think of anything but flowers but I assured her that flowers were one of the few unconditional joys Alice had had in her life. It wasn't like she could put a store at Alice's grave.

Well, not realistically.

Bella had been nervous about today's activities. She admitted that while our talks were helping her process and find closure about Alice's death and life without her, seeing her grave, a physical reminder that Alice was gone and not coming back, was hard. She commented that she couldn't imagine what this must be like for me and I was honest when I told her that it was hard, a slap in the face but that I was resigning myself to life without her. She hadn't believed me entirely but then stuck her feet in my lap so I could rub them and told me about some hiking trips she wanted to take me on.

If Alice could have seen the Bella that existed after her death and Edward's abandonment, she would have been the first vampire to cry. Bella was doing what Alice had always wanted her to by going out and trying new things that she never would have thought of, taking her life into her own hands. She was a talented chef, a spirited dancer and an avid hiker and rock climber. She was trying new things that she never would have considered before and finding new loves every day. Lately, she had been taking 'secret' classes that she forbid me from coming to and asking about. She came home smelling like leather and car exhaust and I wondered if she was secretly learning to work on cars. Rose would love that.

She'd been relatively quiet today, waking up and getting ready before coming down and eating a small breakfast of fruit and yogurt and we set off. We hadn't said much but she and I didn't have to: she understood what this day meant for me and I for her. There was no need for any explanations of sympathies.

Bella stepped towards me and I turned my head to gaze up at her tear-stained face and windblown hair. This whole situation was a bad dream. But I'd be lying if I said that it hadn't ever crossed my mind.

I watched Alice as she moved across the room, removing items from boxes and bags and placing them in positions within the room. More shoes than I cared to count were making their way to her shoe-only closet and several new clothes followed into the closet. A few trinkets like picture frames were moved to shelves and open spaces but mostly it was clothes. I watched bemusedly as she grabbed a pair of leather cowgirl boots and carried them to the closet, placing them carefully on the top shelf. I smiled at her when she looked over at me coyly and winked.

"Are those for me," I teased. She laughed lightly, jumping on the bed and climbing on top of me.

"In a way," she giggled, kissing my lips quickly. I laughed and wrapped my arms around her waist, holding her more securely to me. She brushed her fingers softly over my jaw and I felt fire flow through my veins. She rested her chin on my chest and looked up at me from under her lashes. I stared down at her and felt that familiar and yet so special contentment and security envelope me like a hug. I'd only felt this way with Alice. After Maria, I hadn't expected anything from my existence except self loathing and pain, to live in the fear of my victims and hate myself for it. But Alice had definitely shown me an alternate existence. She was an angel, come to save me from a miserable, inescapable existence. How could I have survived without her? Would I have eventually just become a monster, a mindless, soulless predator of the night who thought of nothing more than the next victim, soothing the bloodlust? I shuddered at the thought and pulled Alice even closer.

She looked at me in sympathy.

"You wouldn't have been that way, you know," she said quietly, already knowing where my thoughts were trained. I just stared at her.

"You don't know that," I whispered. It was the most likely scenario.

"Jasper, you would have turned to this way of life eventually, despite its difficulties and restrictions. That's the kind of person that you are. You wouldn't have continued to immerse yourself in those feelings, those negative emotions. You would have sought for another option, something to keep your sanity and humanity. That's the kind of man that you are."

"Man," I scoffed softly. "I was a monster. I killed my victims; I drank their blood while their fear and regret coursed through me like it was my own. Nothing is worse than that. Nothing is humane about that." She pressed her hand to my cheek and stroked her thumb over my cheekbone.

"You are the greatest man that I will ever have the pleasure to know," she whispered before placing her lips to mine softly, reassuringly. I wasn't convinced but I could feel her love and respect moving over me like the flow of a volcano, slow but powerful. I deepened the kiss hungrily, projecting both of our emotions onto her, making it impossibly powerful. Our actions started to become heated.

Later, after our passion had ebbed, we stared into each other's eyes unmoving, memorizing and basking in the happy, carefree moment. I leaned in slowly and pressed my lips to Alice's forehead, brushing them softly over the beautiful skin there. She sighed contentedly and then giggled when I squeezed her.

"I love you, Alice," I whispered.

"I love you too, Jasper," she said softly, fingering the golden hair at my chest. I looked down at her but her face was turned down. "Jasper, I know you think that I'm the only thing stopping you from returning to a life of savagery," she said after a moment. I opened my mouth to argue but she stopped me. "And I know that for the first time in your existence, you don't feel like a monster and that I played a part in that. But... baby, I wasn't kidding when I said that you are the greatest man I will ever know. If anything ever happened to me, you wouldn't have to go back to hating yourself, your life. You could still be happy. You don't need me for that," she whispered at the end, finally lifting her face to mine.

"Alice," I said forcefully. "You are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. And a life without you isn't even worth contemplating." I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers fervently. She sighed and gently caressed my cheek with her thumb before smiling and hopping out of bed.

"I have to see if Georges has emailed me back," she said and danced out of the room.

That night she was dead. Our last kiss had been that sweet, intense show of love before she went to discuss funding with her newest designer. Only hours later, our fight had occurred and then Jane murdered her. It still baffled me how such a calm and beautiful morning could end in such a drastic and life-altering way.

Bella placed a hand on my shoulder and I turned to her, staring at her. Her eyes were bright and red, beginning to swell slightly. The wind was whipping her hair around her face violently but she seemed oblivious to blustery weather that wanted to carry her off. Her eyes were soft, pained but it was different from the normal pain she felt for Alice's loss. She was pained that I was pained. Her pain was for my struggle, my loss. I felt my heart swell with gratitude. The hand on my shoulder wasn't saying, "Let's go now." It said, "I'm here. For you." I hadn't realized until that moment just how much Bella had been there for me, what a huge role she'd played in my recovery. She gave me a sense of purpose without providing a distraction for me to hide behind to avoid dealing with life without Alice.

I put my hand over hers and smiled softly up at her. The corners of her mouth turned up in a soft smile in response and I stood up, using my body to shield her from the wind as much as I could. I placed an arm around her waist and wiped a tear from her cheek.

"Let's go home," I said softly. She stared at me quizzically and I smiled. "Home, home," I said referring to the cabin in Utah. And it was home. It was more home to me now, with Bella, than my home with my family was. They were still family, but Bella was soon becoming a prominent fixture in my life with a very centralized role and I found myself anticipating the many possibilities of growth that could come of it.

She tugged on my hand, pulling me from my thoughts and I followed her through the trees to the car, admiring the contentment that surrounded her like a warm blanket.

YAY! Well, not yay. Nothing wonderful happened. But we are officially done with all the missing Alice as a full time occupation chapters! I am so excited because now we can move on to the fluff and development of romantic feelings! Course, I know exactly what's going to happen. You know that feeling you get when you read a fic and it's a great chapter and your heart feels all warm and fuzzy and too big for your chest and you're smiling like an idiot but the chapter makes you feel so excited? That's how I feel about these upcoming chapters, and I'm writing them!

The quote on Alice's headstone is Sonnet LXXV by William Shakespeare.

Next chapter: We find out what those mysterious lessons that Bella has been taking!