Hello my lovelies!

As usual, real life continues to throw everything it's got at me. I have to give it brownie points: it hasn't held anything back. But I have survived! So, fear not my little minions! I will triumph and don't worry, you will see a satisfying end to this horrible, angst filled drama that you all seem to love so much.

Quick question! Some of my other readers have expressed an interest in merchandise from my stories and such. Things like tshirts, mugs, mouse pads, the usual crap. What are y'all's thoughts? I have the opportunity to make them available but I don't really want to put the effort in if no one cares. I know that if I could advertise for my favorite fics/authors, I'd be ALL over that! I love being a walking advertisement!

The song for this chapter is White Blank Page by Mumford and Sons. I just love them.

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Disclaimer: You know what I own? A garbage can full of used tissues. Does that include any of the characters that Stephenie Meyer created? That's a no.

Chapter Twenty Two: White Blank Page

JPOV

It had been exactly one year, two weeks, four days, eleven hours and twenty six seconds since my world ended.

I don't know how Peter and Charlotte lived with me. After I'd shown up on their doorstep consumed with grief and rage, they'd ushered me in. They'd inquired as to my vexation but after a short reply to basically piss off, they let it go. After six months I'd opened up enough to give them a shortened version. Charlotte was all ready to go find Bella and give her a piece of her mind but she felt like maybe there had been mistakes on both our parts. I was still too torn between anger and self-loathing to allow myself to think rationally. Carlisle and Esme had long since given up on calling me. I'd blocked Rosalie's number after she filled my voicemail box.

Life went on.

I spent my days brooding and reading. Peter, Charlotte and I would go hunting –animals while I was with them –and talk about the changes in the world since our bloody time in Maria's army. They tried to provide small simple distractions and while they proved mostly ineffective, I appreciated the effort and the thought behind them. While the emotions I was still deeply engulfed in were still as horrible as that day a year ago, I was finally beginning to see things clearly.

I was far more upset with Alice than I was Bella. Alice had been the one to call her before me. Yes, Bella had chosen to keep that a secret from me despite so many opportunities to share it with me. But ultimately, it was Alice's fault. I felt betrayed and those pesky, maddening what-if scenarios had come back to haunt me. What if Alice had called me? What if Bella had told me at the first opportunity? What if I hadn't walked away from her?

What if this was really the end?

I felt ashamed of my careless and reactionary behavior. I was lonely and confused. I loved Peter and Charlotte more than I could say but they were so happy together. They didn't realize how strong their bond was. I could feel it, the strength and loyalty of it. The devotion was almost heartbreakingly beautiful. And the sense of rightness reminded me of only one person.

Bella.

Where was she? What had she been doing for the past year? Had she already moved on, found someone who wasn't going to hurt her or leave her? Someone better than me. She hadn't ever tried to contact me. I wondered if it was so easy to close the book on me, on us. Did she just take my dismissal as an absolute thing? I wanted to apologize on bended knees and beg her to take me back but I knew I couldn't. If she wanted me, she would have tried to tell me.

But she hadn't.

It stung, to think that she could write me off so easily, to dismiss not only what we had but what our life would have been like together. I could still see the visions of what might have been; Bella and I, together and happy, strong and healed. Life didn't cease to be difficult or trying but somehow, with each other, we made it through the trials and tribulations. We leaned upon each other and in between the tragedies and changing world, we laughed and lived. It was a beautiful idea, a once hoped for future. But no more. I had burned the metaphorical bridge with Bella when I had been unable to look past my own feelings and left her standing in the middle of Carlisle and Esme's living room, heartbroken. I knew there was no redemption for me. I was a demon who had turned his back on an angel. Nothing could save me, no one would try.

My morose thoughts seemed melodramatic and I turned away from the window I had been staring out of aimlessly to survey the house I was currently a long term guest in. Charlotte and Peter didn't set roots down often but this was one of the few permanent residences they had acquired over the time away from Maria. It was quiet and set away from population. They resided here about six months out of the year and spent the rest of the time living a nomadic life. It was difficult for them to put down roots that were too permanent; their diet made them conspicuous. But when I came to stay, we would help maintain some of the wildlife populations. I know that they preferred their normal diet and we often had friendly arguments over the benefits of my diet compared to theirs. But looking at this little house, you would never guess the occupants preyed on humans to survive.

Charlotte had decorated with lots of warm colors and small sayings that had made an impact on the lives of the couple over time. I read some of them, taking it all in with no small amount of skepticism and cynicism. Where I might have once seen the beauty in some of the quotes, I certainly could not now, in my dark and depressed state. It was almost as bad as when Alice died. At least then I had known that there was a chance my life could continue. I was an idiot to think that I would get the opportunity to love such wonderfully passionate and amazing partners as Bella and Alice again. I warred with myself every time I read some of the passages. They weren't by any means all of them romantic. There was Civil War quotes, humorous anecdotes and inspirational imagery. The romantic tidbits made me scoff. I puzzled over one that Charlotte had added since my last visit to the untamed wilds of their North Dakota home.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. –Lao Tzu

I laughed bitterly. If this was to be believed then I was the weakest creature to know existence. I had no strength, no one to love me deeply and wholly. And though I still deeply loved Bella, ached for her in the core of my being, I was a coward. I held no bravery in my heart. Had I possessed some level of courage and nerve, I might have gone back to Forks to discover for myself what had happened to my love after I left her standing alone in a room filled with people who cared for her as I refused to. There was the surest possibility that I would not care for the answer I would find but it would be an answer nonetheless and I could inevitably go on loathing myself to the end of eternity. But I could not.

And so I sat in my misery, wallowing in self pity and terrible but beautiful daydreams of what my life could have been like if I hadn't been such a moron.