NOTES: Warning, this chapter will contain strong language and talks of suicide.
Chapter 5
It was the next day.
Spinel was sitting at her table, eating some breakfast that the institution provided, it was presented on a four-part split metal tray…though there wasn't much: Two sausages that looked under cooked, one strip of thin pieced bacon and some bake beans, probably only two table spoons full… and a shot of orange juice that smelt like it had gone off, plus it was warm. Spinel didn't mind the breakfast…she didn't see the point in complaining about something she'd get for free, ever since she's been here. It was only the orange juice she wouldn't touch
After quickly munching on the breakfast, she would slide the empty tray through a metal hatch, at the bottom of the door, for someone to collect later on their rounds.
Spinel could only guess the time, since she had no clock in her room or any other way to tell the time…and only relying when the breakfasts get delivered, which was normally between 7am till 8am…and sometimes Steven could come to visit. That was the only thing she looked forward to.
Spinel sat down on her chair and just simply stared at the door with great anticipation…something about today felt good, something positive for once…but of course her mind comes into play.
Why? Why do you do this to yourself…?
Spinel kept quiet, trying not to listen to her thoughts, that clearly weren't hers…or at least the side of her she didn't want to hear.
Why do you trust him?
Again, Spinel shook her head, trying to rid of these negative thoughts, but choose not to respond. She produced a smile and imagined Steven coming through the door any minute…because the reality of it was, that he promised…and so far, he's been true to his word.
This is what he wants! He…he wants to gain your trust.
SPINEL: (Oddly positive but talks to herself) Nope.
He wants to gain your trust…and then PUSH YOU AWAY, WHEN HE GETS THE CHANCE!
SPINEL: (Weak smile) No…he doesn't…
How can you be so stupid? Have you forgotten what has happened before? It all ends up the same way…
Spinel keeps her mouth closed, tightening her lips and shaking her head.
Our mother…had our trust. She was supposed to protect us…
Spinel starts to shake down her body.
…to be with us…
Spinel bows her head, trying her very best to ignore the voices in her head.
…she was supposed to love us…she was supposed to stay with us…BUT SHE DIDN'T, DID SHE? SHE LEFT US! SHE ABANDONED US!
Spinel then puts her head in her hands.
SPINEL: STOP IT!
AND THAT'S WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO! YOU'RE GOING TO GAIN HIS TRUST AND THEN ONE DAY, HE'LL PUSH YOU AWAY!
SPINEL: NO!
Her eyes start to produce some tears.
He'll push you away…like a common tramp…
SPINEL: JUST…LEAVE ME ALONE!
I won't…
SPINEL: WHY?
Because I'm the only one who speaks the truth. I'm the only one who is holding us together!
SPINEL: Go away!
Everything I've said, is nothing but the TRUTH! You know this…
SPINEL: I SAID, GO AWAY!
Spinel's outburst makes her stand up and grabs hold of the chair…the chair seemed to be as light as a feather, as her adrenaline flowed through her body and she chucked the chair against the wall…making a sound crash and breaking into a few pieces. Spinel panted and groaned…as she went over to a mirror. She wasn't sure if will help, but she'd run the water from the cold tap and clasp a bit of water in her hand and then splash it over her face… it was a form of bringing herself back to reality or something to do while the thoughts played. Spinel breathed heavily…and then looked in the mirror…
Hello!
Spinel stepped back in fright…as the reflection in the mirror was her, but a completely different appearance. The reflection had black lines down her cheeks…like she was crying black fluid from her eyes. Spinel started to shake, as she stepped forward to the mirror…
Have you seen yourself lately? You're pathetic…
SPINEL: You're…(Points at the mirror)…you're just in my head, this…t-this isn't real…
But I'm still part of you…that's something you'll never get rid of…
SPINEL: Why can't you just…LEAVE ME ALONE?
Yes! Shout! Keep shouting and make a scene! Haha. I guess you've forgotten they have cameras in the rooms.
Spinel looks up at the camera's gasping…and then back at her split reflection. The reflection was calm…while Spinel was shaking with worry.
They must think we're batshit crazy. You'll never leave this place now.
SPINEL: (Crying) What do you want?
Want…? I don't want anything. I'm just protecting you.
SPINEL: No, you're not…
I am! I'm just helping you! I'm stopping you from getting hurt…and I have an answer for that.
SPINEL: (Sobs) No…
That young man will hurt you! He doesn't care about you! He doesn't give a shit…and he proved that yesterday!
SPINEL: What do you mean?
HE WANTED US TO BE HURT! HE WANTED US TO TALK ABOUT HER! HE JUST WANTED TO INFLICT MORE PAIN ON US!
SPINEL: NO, HE DIDN'T!
HE WANTS US TO SUFFER! BUT YOU'RE TO FUCKING STUPID TO SEE THAT! HE WANTS TO HURT US AND THEN LEAVE US…JUST LIKE HER!
SPINEL: NO…HE WAS TRYING TO HELP ME!
That's not what it looked like…
SPINEL: He was trying to help me…and w-when I couldn't open up…he…he apologised…
The reflections face dropped…and looked at Spinel with slight disappointment.
It…it was the kiss, wasn't it…?
Spinel then looked at her reflection, looking more worried and breathing heavily.
You…liked it, didn't you…?
SPINEL: The…kiss…?
Just then…Spinel's memory came into play, when Steven was last over…
The memory begins from yesterday's conversation:
STEVEN: I know you're happy now and…well, I'm the last person who wants to default that…
He's…gonna ask us! I told you! HE'S GONNA ASK ABOUT HER!
Spinel starts to shake, she puts her burger down but ready to hear what Steven has to say.
STEVEN:…but I think it's best for you to release those demons.
SPINEL: N-No…
STEVEN: Spinel, I know that you don't want to talk about it, but I truly believe it will help you. I really, really believe this!
SPINEL: No…no!
THE ASSHOLE IS RUINING THE MOMENT! HE'S JUST LIKE HER!
STEVEN: I need to know what happened between you and your mother-
BASTARD! DON'T MENTION HER!
Spinel then snapped, she jumped at Steven, knocking him down to the floor. Steven gasped, amazed to where Spinel got her strength from, as the woman climbed on top of him and had fire in her eyes, her teeth gritted and just pure anger all over! Steven tried to move but she had him pinned down.
Bismuth, from the other side of the door, turned around and saw the commotion inside the room…she gasped and weirdly panicked, she pulled out her keys but dropped them.
Spinel chuckled evilly…and her voice changed more childish that was rotten to the core
SPINEL: You had to ruin it, DIDN'T YOU?
STEVEN: Your mother made you like this…
SPINEL: She did! SHE DID! BUT I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT HER!
STEVEN: I…I think you should!
SPINEL: AND WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I TALK ABOUT THAT BITCH?
STEVEN: Because…I…I want you to live with me.
SPINEL: (Calms down) Wha…what…?
STEVEN: I know you don't want to talk about your mother but if we can get to the root of the problem and resolve this issue, then you can join society once again…and with me.
SPINEL: (Feels like having a panic attack, as she gasps a little) Hah, huh…with…y-you…?
STEVEN: Yes…I'll look after you.
Spinel then backs away from Steven and starts crying. Steven sits up…at this point Bismuth comes in, with her baton out.
BISMUTH: Steven! Are you okay!?
Steven gets up and gets in the way of the big security guard, putting his hands up…Bismuth stops in her tacks. Spinel was shielding herself while still crying. Steven reassured Bismuth that it was just a blip from Spinel. The rainbow haired woman nodded but insisted the door be closed and not locked.
The situation was calm, for now.
STEVEN: Spinel…I'm sorry. I'm sorry to do this to you…
SPINEL: No…no! I'm sorry…I hurt you…
STEVEN: I'm okay, Spinel. Really I am…
SPINEL: I'm a mess…
STEVEN: No, you're not. You just need to talk to someone. You just need to talk about…(Trails off)
SPINEL: …Her…?
STEVEN: Yes…
HE JUST WANTS US TO BE IN PAIN! HE LURED US IN TO BE HAPPY AND NOW PLAYED THIS DISGUSTING TRICK ON US! HE WANTS US TO BE UNHAPPY!
SPINEL: (To herself) SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Steven knew she was fighting her split personality that was ultimately in her head at the moment.
HAPPINESS IS A LIE!
SPINEL: LET HIM HELP US!
STEVEN: Yes, let me help you…
And when he fails…what then? Good thing I have the answer…
SPINEL: (Ignores the voices and looks at Steven) Do you really think if I talk about…(Gulps)…h-her…it will help me…?
STEVEN: (Smiles) It'll be a start…
SPINEL: And…I don't have to stay here…?
STEVEN: No. I'll make sure you come with me…I'll organise before I leave today, ready for tomorrow. I…I really care about you…
HE'S LYING! HE'S MAKING US VULNERABLE! BRING ME OUT, SO I CAN BEAT THIS LITTLE SHIT!
SPINEL: (Softy) Okay…
Spinel sits up right.
STEVEN: In your own time, Spinel…(She nods)…what happened, with your mother? (Spinel starts to shake and grits her teeth)…what happened to Ms Pink Diamond…?
Spinel tried to look Steven in the eye, but she just couldn't…it was like she was ashamed, she bowed her head and looked straight at the floor.
SPINEL: I…I can't…
STEVEN: Yes, you can.
SPINEL: No! I can't! It's…(Sighs angrily)…ugh, just…j-just thinking about her makes me angry.
STEVEN: I understand, I really do. But…you can't bottle up these emotions, it's not good for you.
SPINEL: (Still shaking and looking away) I'm not ready for this.
STEVEN: Yes, you are. Believe me, its better this way…you need to let it out! You need to get this off your chest.
SPINEL: (Stops shaking) Let it…out…?
STEVEN: (Smiles) Yes. Let it out.
SPINEL: (Chuckles sinisterly) You…you know nothing about me…
STEVEN: But I-
SPINEL: (Interrupts) YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME!
Just then, Spinel violently pushes Steven back, so hard he falls over backwards. Bismuth gasped and was about to let herself in. She opened the door…but Steven, turned while still lying on the floor and stuck his foot out at the door, closing it, to Bismuth's surprised.
STEVEN: (To Bismuth) No! Not yet!
Bismuth was puzzled and couldn't understand Steven's request, looking helplessly through the door window. Spinel then picked up Steven, by the collar of his jacket and slammed him against the door, quite hard that it made him groan. Steven looked into Spinel's eyes and her personality changed…there was evil in her eyes, determined harm through her gritted teeth smile…and the face that had hurt others in the past was staring straight back at him.
SPINEL: Ya know…you're kinda cute when you're in pain…
Spinel then slammed Steven against the door once again, his head taking more of the impact this time, almost like a rag doll.
SPINEL: Why do you want to hurt me so much? Why do you want me to talk about my…m-my mother…SHE IS DEAD TO ME! (Slams Steven again) I JUST WANT TO FORGET HER!...(Breathes heavily)…just like she did to me. (Growls) And now you want me vulnerable, so YOU CAN LEAVE ME, IS THAT IT?! YOU'RE FRIENDSHIP IS BULLSHIT, ISN'T IT?
STEVEN: S-Spinel, I-
SPINEL: YOU'RE JUST A LIE, LIKE ALL OF THEM! YOU LIE AND THEN YOU LEAVE! JUST LIKE THE REST OF THEM! (Tears start to flood down her cheek)…what's the point in living? I am trying to help Spinel…I AM TRYING TO HELP HER! Death…is the only answer…isn't it? Eventually, it'll be her only choice…
STEVEN: No-
Spinel then squeezes Steven's neck, choking him slightly.
SPINEL: Death is the only way out. It's the easiest way out…(Starts to shake) It's…it's the perfect way out…
STEVEN: (Struggles) No, it's not…it's n-not! It's not…(Gasps)…it's not the a-answer…
SPINEL: Oh, but it is! I'll convince Spinel to slit her wrists. I'll convince her to jump off a bridge…I'll convince her to hang herself. Either way…I'll convince her that suicide IS the answer. It'll set her free from the pain…from the hurt…and in death, nobody leaves you.
STEVEN: This…this is n-not y-you, Spinel…it's not y-you…
SPINEL: I know what you're thinking. (Mocking voice) "Oooo no, not suicide, you have so much to live for" or "Suicide is for selfish people" or some bullshit like that! (Chuckles) It's not selfish…when there's no one else that can get hurt through her actions. We have no one, except ourselves. Happiness is a lie…
STEVEN: You're wrong…
Spinel then squeezes Steven's neck tighter, making him choke. He starts to struggle but Spinel is surprisingly strong with her grip.
SPINEL: I'm wrong…? (Laughs loudly) I'm wrong?! Okay then, Mr Psychic, tell me. Prove to me that there is happiness…(Brings her face closer to his)…what reason do we have to live?
Steven took as much air as he could before Spinel could block his airways…he sadly looked into Spinel's eyes and took a deep breath, closed his eyes and brought his lips to hers, locking them…
Spinel was taken aback, her eyes raised, as she felt Steven's warm lips on hers. She could feel his mouth open…and his tongue gently sliding to her teeth, hoping for access…but at the same time, not being forceful. Spinel felt this sudden rush around her body…as she relaxed, and closed her eyes…then losing her grip around Steven's neck. She eventually, opened her mouth…and their saliva's gently clashed, to an inch of shock and then…acceptance.
Steven had to break the kiss gently, just to get some more air in him but looked at Spinel, who opened her eyes and blushed…who ever this angry woman was in front of Steven, was long gone…at least for now.
SPINEL: You…y-you…kiss me…?
STEVEN: (Blushing) Um…y-yeah…
SPINEL: Why did you do that…?
STEVEN: I, uh…I just…I just wanted to show that…(Blushing brightly)…you're special…and that…I…I care for you.
Spinel back away slightly. Her heart was racing…until she saw the red mark over Steven's neck.
SPINEL: Oh, my God…oh my…(Ashamed)…I hurt you.
STEVEN: (Rubs his neck) Spinel…please, don't worry. You didn't hurt me.
SPINEL: I did, I did! Oh God, look at your neck.
STEVEN: Spinel, I'm fine, really!
SPINEL: I'm a monster…(Falls to her knees)
STEVEN: No. (Kneels to her level) No, you're far from a monster. I should know…I've been there…
Spinel looks at Steven, with flooded eyes…he just smiles back. Spinel just couldn't believe the patience's this young man had, anyone else would've disowned her by now…like always but this young man just smiled back…and stayed by her side, even seeing her going through the corrupted emotions. This young man…was really something special.
STEVEN: I'm…sorry, if I made you angry…
SPINEL: (Looks down) You shouldn't be the one saying that…
STEVEN: Well, I am. (Sighs) I feel that the discussion of your…(Spinel looks up)…well, you know, "Her"…should be taken in account so we can get to the root of the problem but not here, not in this place. Tomorrow is another day…and I believe it's a day of a new beginning.
End of memory.
Spinel was wiping a tear from her eyes…still having a discussion with her reflection of her twisted self.
SPINEL: I did like the kiss…
Huh! All a ruse.
SPINEL: No…that kiss was real. He really meant that…
The reflection in the mirror started to laugh, making Spinel frown at her other personality.
Doesn't mean a thing. Men can lie through lust!
SPINEL: You're wrong…I…I felt something…
Ugh. Nonetheless…you'll never leave this place. Not after what you did yesterday. I guarantee it.
The reflection laughs.
You'll never be released. Let's see how far your fake happiness goes when they deem you crazy. And in the end…you'll know I'm right, and that my way out…is the only way out…
…
End of chapter.