"What do you want from me, Caswell?"

Her words hung in the cloyingly pine scented air of the rental Chrysler. EJ felt like he couldn't breathe, but it had nothing to do with the air freshener and everything to do with the woman he had been trying to put out of his mind for three years now occupying the seat next to him.

What did he want from her? What didn't he want from her? He'd gone out with other girls, done the Tinder thing because that's what you do in the Bay area, there's an app for everything. But nothing had ever come close to her. He'd always hoped that time would pass and it would change, he'd outgrow whatever adolescent hold she had on him. But every time they re-entered each other's orbit, he was back to square one, that hurt kid outside Slices who thought she wanted nothing to do with him romantically, whose world had shifted on its axis when she asked to kiss him. She'd had him since.

When he didn't respond right away, she took the opening and kept going.

"I thought we were friends, we AGREED that that was the only thing that made sense…"

"We did? That's funny, Gina, I remember more than one conversation that was mostly you deciding we weren't going to work, and me going along with it so I didn't lose you completely. And then I did anyway."

"EJ, what the fuck are you talking about?"

"Ok, maybe that first breakup, it was mutual. You said it first, but yeah, I could get behind not holding onto a high school romance. But after the last time we were here? Did you really think we were 'just friends'?"

"What else was I supposed to think when THAT'S WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT."

EJ threw his head back, frustration etched all over his face. Were they even in the same room having that conversation? Because whatever she was thinking was NOT how he remembered it. And all at once, the dammed up anger he never let himself feel towards her broke free, and the memory of that morning just came rushing out.

...

In the heat of everything that happened the night before, EJ had forgotten to draw his blinds. He groaned as sunlight streamed into his face much, MUCH earlier than he wanted it to. He blinked, a little bit hungover as the night before came back to him in pieces.

Gina.

He and Gina.

And it was amazing.

Ever since he'd seen her coming down the escalator at the airport on a few days ago, everything he had ever felt for her came rushing back. He was so grateful for the friendship they'd built after their breakup, the way they still talked easily and kept up with each other with genuine care. He had nearly convinced himself they were better off as friends. But seeing her in person, being able to touch her and hear her laugh fill a room, he knew... he was still in love with her. And he hadn't meant to act on it, hadn't meant to let it change anything. But something had shifted yesterday, emboldened him, and he couldn't hold back any longer. And last night, she was right there with him. It was like discovering the unexpected and coming home, all at once.

He rolled over to reach for her, hoping to settle back in to sleep off a little bit more morning, and was surprised to find an empty bed next to him.

He heard the water running, so he got up to check the bathroom, wrapping the towel hanging on his closet door around his waist. He was suddenly VERY aware he wasn't wearing anything.

He pushed the door open and saw Gina brushing her teeth, having located her bag where she'd left it the night before. She was already dressed in jean shorts and a crop top, flip flops already on her feet. She seemed to be in a rush to get the hell out of there, and watching that, EJ's heart sank.

"Hey, Gi, what's up?"

She spun around, startled. "EJ, oh, sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"Were you just going to… take off?"

"Take off? No. Just trying to get down to the kitchen before Ashlyn and Big Red get up, just to, you know, avoid the questions about what happened last night."

"If you think Ashlyn doesn't already have some sixth sense that we hooked up last night, you've spent too much time apart."

"Still rather not invite speculation if we can avoid it."

"So when she asks, because she's GONNA ask… what are we saying?"

"I don't know, that sometimes friends hook up, and it's not a big deal?"

"So, friends.. That's what we're going with."

"What other options are there? You're still getting on a plane tomorrow, right?"

"Well, yeah."

"And I'M still getting on a plane tomorrow?"

"Yes."

"So what's changed? We're still miles apart, on the map and in our lives."

"But last night was… look, I didn't mean to..."

"It's cool. Yeah, it makes things a little awkward. But we've gotten through awkward before. And as great as last night was, it's not like it magically takes away all the reasons we aren't happening."

"And we're not in the place to make it happen."

"We're not. Right? We're not. You're ready to go start this life after graduation, and I have to figure out who I am all over again…. Again."

"There's a part of me that knows you're right, cuz you pretty much always are."

"So that's the part we're going to focus on. Put this behind us, and keep being friends."

EJ sighed and raked his hand through his hair. At the end of the day, he needed her in his life more than he needed to dictate how. So trying to conceal the disappointment on his face, he plastered on a smile that he hoped wasn't too fake.

"Ok, then. Friends."

"Do friends get to have breakfast together?"

"As long as this friend can shower first. I'll meet you downstairs?"

"Ok."

She brushed past him, giving his hand a squeeze as she did. He watched her walk away, shaking his head slightly, wishing he'd found the words to fill in what the other part of him knew, that they'd never be "just friends" and that pretending they were might kill him.

And despite their best intentions, they really couldn't pretend they were "just friends." Their texts became less frequent, more stilted. EJ was always afraid that if he went too deep, opened up too much, he woulnd't be able to stop himself from saying how he really felt. And whatever tenuous grasp they had on friendship now, he wasn't going to be the one who fucked it up and put the nail in the coffin. So he kept things to the surface to create some distance, to try and protect them both.

But if she noticed he pulled back, she didn't say it. If anything, she did the same. She dove into a different path, doubling up on crazy hard science electives and padding her academic resume to apply for grad school. She was always busy with this lab or that extra project for her research assistant job. His texts stayed on read, and he didn't hear from her for weeks. The radio silence made it crystal clear, whatever was between them broke down. And now they were… here.

...

Gina's voice brought him back to earth. "Really? That's what you remember about that morning? That I somehow let you down?"

"I was ready to make it work, but I wasn't about to fight for it on my own."

"You know what I remember about that morning, EJ? Waking up before the sun, sick to my stomach that I'd just completely fucked up. That I'd let one drunken hookup ruin something I'd tried so hard to protect, something I relied on while my world was crashing down."

"Ok, first of all, that was far from a 'drunken hookup.' I wasn't that drunk, or that kind of drunk. I've BEEN that kind of drunk, and…"

"Spare me the play by play, Caswell."

"And," he pushed on, "If I thought for a second that YOU were that drunk, it never would have happened. I'm not that kind of guy."

"That's not at all what I'm suggesting."

"Then don't call it that! It wasn't like that, ok? It was different."

"Of COURSE it was different. And it was more than I could handle, I felt out of control. So I had to get BACK in control of the situation, had to feel like I was in control of SOMETHING in my life."

"So what? That meant leaving?"

"THAT'S WHAT I DO!" she exploded. "I leave. It's what I'm good at. I push, and I push, and when it's clear I won't ever measure up, I run. You know why? Because if I do the leaving, I don't get left."

EJ stared down at his hands and said quietly "I wouldn't leave you."

Gina let out a sarcastic laugh. "Are you kidding me? You were getting on a plane the next fucking day! You were all Google and Stanford and ready to go off and be EJ fucking Caswell, and I was some messed up kid whose whole future had just evaporated. You weren't going to stay. I had nothing to offer you!"

Now EJ was just as heated as she was. "When did that shit ever matter, Gina? The only thing I ever needed from you was YOU. The way you laugh and your hair everywhere and the fact that it's been six goddamn years and I still compare every woman I go out with to some phantom of you that I'll never have. I never asked you for anything, and that's exactly what I got."

"I gave you everything I could, EJ. It was never going to be enough, I was never going to be enough. I had to draw a line in the sand somewhere, I had to try to keep from getting hurt."

"And how'd that work out for you, Porter? Does this conversation fucking tickle?"

He stared her down, breathing heavy. Her eyes were wild, seemingly speechless. He had no idea what she would do next.

So imagine his surprise when she dove over the gear shift and kissed him.

It was a desperate, heated kiss. Years of words left unsaid and missed opportunities coursed through them both. He wound his hand into her hair, pulling her as deep into him as he could. His back was wedged uncomfortably against the driver's side door, and his knee was crushed into the steering column. And he couldn't have cared less.

After a minute, she pushed off his chest and threw her body back into the passenger's seat. EJ couldn't even breathe, convinced she was going to punch him in the face, or take off in a sprint across the parking lot, or maybe both.

Instead, she said "The hotel, where the wedding is Saturday. Just down the street. I have a room there through the weekend. Go. Now."

He turned the ignition and quickly backed out of the spot, nearly hitting a BMW in the process. He didn't quite know what would happen when they got there, but there was an urgency to find out. Fast.

They had never been good at actually making it for risotto.