It's weird to wake up in a room after spending a week on the couch. It's almost like waking to another dream. I run my hands over the covers, over the rabbit so soft and warm. My eyes drift to the images above my desk and the little sticky note left on my table.
Have a good day Rin!
I recognize the handwriting instantly, the little peace sign drawn in the corner the same as the others still tucked away in my overnight bag.
"Hoki, you need to get ready," calls my homeroom teacher's voice from the door, just as surly and bored as usual.
It feels surreal.
"Y-Yes, sir!"
I dress and put on my bracelet, eyes still drifting to the pictures, to the furniture, to the black dress hung in my closet. I push down the weird emotions, braiding my hair back and checking myself in a mirror. Midnight must have grabbed it when I wasn't looking. The girl there looks a lot like the one above my desk, dark hair and dark eyes. I smile.
It doesn't look quite right.
The face too wide, the lips too thin, the smile too brittle.
I frown, and if I turn enough to hide the scars, I almost see my mother.
It's jarring. I spin away and leave. Sensei raises an eyebrow as if to question why I'm so much more energetic this morning. I don't know how to answer so I shrug, checking the time. We have a good twenty minutes before we leave.
"Can I make us an egg?" I ask.
He blinks. I wonder if this feels dream-like to him too. I wonder what he sees when he looks at me. The scars? A brittle smile?
"Do what you want," he shrugs. "But wash the pan when you finish."
I pull out the things and cook. He watches with half-lidded eyes behind a bowl of coffee. I don't glance his way, instead mixing and stirring and pouring and shifting until I finish. I scrape out two plates of fluffy yellow eggs. Scrambled with salt and pepper, the way Yamada-sensei likes them.
I don't know what Aizawa-sensei likes.
Except for coffee and bland vegetables and sleeping and cats.
I place the plate in front of him, utensils already on the plate, and sit beside him. He watches me eat for a moment as if he's not really sure what's going on.
Something mischievous bubbles up. I can't help myself. My face slackens, as if bored, and I try not to smirk.
"Eat your food, Sensei."
"Hn…"
His lips twitch and he raises an eyebrow. Then he leans forward and eats the eggs. I finish first, wash the dishes, and take the plate when he offers it.
"Let's go," he tells me when I finish.
.
.
.
Friday passes quickly. Too quickly.
Saturday dawns gray and overcast to the same strange reality, the same strange things—these are mine? But why?
I put on the black dress much as I would my school uniform. Black hose instead of socks. I glance again at the gray sky and wonder, numbly, if I should bring an umbrella. I braid back my hair and glance in the mirror. It's becoming a bit of a habit.
The girl there looks all wrong. Too much black and too little color, as if someone washed away all the life. Numbness creeps in my chest, that emptiness I felt so pervasive before. It reminds me of Dual-hair's ice, the way it crawls along enveloping everything.
I ignore it and instead leave the room for breakfast. Sensei is there, like usual, but he looks all wrong as well. He fiddles in the kitchen with his tie, dressed in a black suit and white collared shirt. His hair half pulled back, makes him look broader. I still and stare. He notices and gives a huff of annoyance.
"Leave your hair down," he says, sitting a bowl and box of cereal on the table. I stare, not really understanding what's coming out of his mouth despite recognizing the words. His lips thin. "Hoki. Sit down and eat."
I move automatically, filling the bowl as if the man in the kitchen weren't there at all.
The cereal tastes like cardboard.
He walks by and pulls the hairbow from the bottom of my braid before setting it on the table. His fingers break up the strands with effortless precision, and once complete, he moves on, back to his room where I can hear him rummaging through drawers.
I wash my dishes and deliberate. My hands shake and I realize I have nowhere to put them. So I cross them, eyes scanning the room.
What do I do?
A strange sense of helplessness seems to rise up then out of the nothingness.
I don't know what to do.
But Sensei is there too quickly. Long, familiar strides. His hand lands on my shoulder, squeezing. I shrink into it. He turns me, leaning forward to look me in the eye. So close I can see he's shaved. He doesn't look right without the gruff. He doesn't look right at all. Only his eyes are familiar, beady and sharp.
"If you become overwhelmed you will tell me, understood?"
The command in his voice is familiar, at least. I nod.
"Yes, sir."
"If at any point you feel uncomfortable, you will tell me."
"Yes, sir."
"You don't have to go."
"I know sir."
He sighs. Standing straight, he leads me out of the apartment and across town.
.
.
.
There's no service, no preacher, no kind words. I don't know if we missed them, or Yui-san didn't want them. Instead, there are three simple graves with overturned dirt, a table with pictures, and a large amount of incense.
I step hesitantly into the graveyard, the overcast sky bleaching the world gray.
People wander the area. They look like black ghosts, shapeless and bent forward. My mouth dries as we move to join them.
"Rin-chan?"
Orange hair, red-rimmed eyes, and thick frame.
"Akira," I whisper.
Without warning, she reaches forward and grabs me in a hug.
"Oh, Rin-chan! You're here! You're here… I heard. I wasn't there, but I heard. I wasn't there when it happened, and I came back, and it was awful! I saw Niko and she's- she's-"
Behind me, Sensei clears his throat.
Akira stops and looks up as if seeing him for the first time.
"I will be in the back if you need me," Sensei says, voice gruff. He doesn't acknowledge the other girl as he walks away. I swallow, wishing he would come back. I wish he would stay.
You don't have to go.
"Who is that?" the girl asks, stepping back and following him with her eyes.
"My guardian," I answer.
"Guard-" she stops and looks back at me, lips dipping into a concerned frown. "You- You got adopted? Niko… Niko said they'd arrested you. She… she wasn't making a lot of sense though."
She looks down, hands twisting in front of a worn black dress.
"I was terrified I wouldn't see you again."
I blink, confusion and something old and hurt and sharp worming to the surface.
"Why?" I manage after a long, drawn-out moment.
"I never apologized," the redhead says. Her shoulders shake as she suddenly bows forward. "I have so much to apologize for, I was wrong. I was so wrong. I hurt you. I listened to Niko and I shouldn't have. I put that powder in your shirt." I flinch back and the thick girl doesn't rise. "It was just supposed to be a prank, I didn't mean for it to hurt you. I didn't know it would do that. I wouldn't have- I wouldn't have if I'd known-"
I take a shaky step back, throat constricting.
"People like us aren't fucking heroes," Akari says, rolling her eyes. "How do you think any of us get here? Your unruly, a lawbreaker, bad. This is the Last One, capital letters. All you'll amount to at most is a thug, and you'll be a poor one."
"Niko didn't make you do it all," I tell her.
She winces, still not rising.
"I know," she whispers, her voice is rough and broken. "I've been a horrible person. But… But I'm going to be better."
I don't know what to say to that, so I hug my arms. Under the gray sky, she looks like a misshapen statue. Even her ever-vibrant hair dull. She finally rises. Looking at her tear-stained face feels like claws raking down my throat. It feels like something sharp and broken being wedged between my ribs.
"I should have died that night. I should have been there, but I was studying at a friend's house. That could have been my picture on that table. I would have died had I been there. I won't waste this gift. I promise you, Rin-chan, I'll be a better person."
Then, wiping away her tears, she gives another little bow.
"You should avoid Niko if you can. But… but I'm glad you have someone. You deserve it."
She walks off and I don't know what to say. I don't know what to feel. I look for Sensei and I find him near the back, talking to an older man. I recognize him as the owner of the pawnshop. He pauses in the conversation and even from a distance, I can tell he's watching, waiting.
And I don't want him to see me break.
People can only take so much before they break. She will break.
I'm not broken.
So I walk forward. I make my way to the table and look down at the faces. Yui-san, not how I'd always known her, but how she must have looked before, before the Last One, before Asp... A young face stares back. She's vivid, hot-tempered, and scowling in the image. She has short brown hair, cut and cropped close to her head, smoke furling out of her closed hand. She wears a black uniform, the tie left open, the top two buttons undone.
"Old biddy," says someone behind me.
I look behind me and Kagura scowls back, eyes red and tears running down her face.
"Kagura-nee-chan?"
"That damn bitch," she says, pulling me towards her and hugging me tightly. "She always got on my damn nerves. She'd never shut up, you know? Always nagging about something. Don't kiss him. Don't kiss her. Don't give your body away like a fucking tramp. God, I hated her stupid shit. And now... And now she's gone. Why?"
Tears well in my eyes as she shakes, fingers burying in my back clutching at my dress, shaking. She's not wearing black. Skin-tight blue jeans, pink heels Yui-san had threatened to throw out on multiple occasions, and a white see-through shirt to show off her matching pink bra.
"Fuck her," she cries. I can't help but cry too. "It's not fair."
See, Rin-chan here, she destroyed my family. So now I'm gonna take hers. Sorry brats. Life sucks.
"Kagura-nee," I manage. Slowly she separates, makeup still perfect, eyes full of tears.
"I need some air," she says suddenly. Her hands shake as she runs them through my hair. They clutch at my head, as if afraid I'll disappear. "I'm glad you left your hair down. It looks better that way. I think… I think I'm gonna go. I can't do this. But- but don't forget me, yeah? I… please?"
"I'll visit soon," I cry, rubbing the tears from my face.
"Okay," she manages. Then she leans forward and without warning, pulls me back into a hug. The tears spill over all over again. "Damn hag. Stupid… stupid. Rin-chan, I don't wanna lose you too. So promise me. Promise me Hellspawn, promise me you'll get strong. Promise me you won't let him take you too."
She doesn't let up.
"I-I promise," I tell her.
She squeezes tighter as if trying to soak up the entire promise in that one motion. And then, just as suddenly, she lets go. I stumble and watch as she unfolds into the Kagura I've always known, cocky and proud. She flips off Sensei before strutting away.
I swallow and wipe at my face, turning back to the pictures.
Yui-san scowls back with her young face with clear dismissal. I look at the other three pictures. Four pictures and three graves. Someone must have had a family to go back to. I try not to think about that too hard, looking instead at the three other faces.
The thirteen-year-old, the one Shinsou had cut free first, smiles back in a school photo from what looks like second grade. She had braces and a silly smile. Beside her photo, a third-year high school student glowers. He'd been stabbed and died of blood loss. I hadn't known him well, he'd gone to school with Niko and while they hadn't been close, they'd fought Asp together. I turn to the third picture and feel my stomach drop.
Shin.
I… I hadn't known.
"How dare you."
I freeze at the familiar voice, now muffled, but still low and growling. Slowly, I turn, terrified to see the face, terrified to confront the monstrous figure I'd known for so long.
Niko.
She rolls forward in a wheelchair, her face wrapped in bandages, a stump where her trunk should have been. She nearly comes out of her chair, she closes in so fast. I take a step back, into the graves, and she stops, teeth barred and chipped.
"How dare you show yourself here," she snarls. "They're dead because of you. They're dead and it's all your fault, you fucking villain!"
"No, I-"
"He wanted you," she shouts. People are turning, stopping, whispering. Sensei moves towards us. I don't want him to, I don't want him to hear this. I wish he'd never left. "He came for you. You destroyed his life, just like you do to everyone. Just like you did to ours!"
I sob.
"I didn't mean to-"
"You never do!" she screams. "You and your fucking shadows and your fucking school! Yui loved you, and look where it got her! Shin's dead because of you! He killed himself and it's all your damn fault! Do you even know their names? That's Ami and Haichi! She was going to be a nurse! She was thirteen, damn it! And Haichi, he was going to start a business, an arcade- he'd- he'd-"
She breaks down in sobs and I feel my breath shudder and fail me. I choke on nothing as Sensei finally arrives. In long, powerful strides, he's in front of me, pulling me back onto the path and covering my ears. He tilts me forward; I know what he wants.
Ten deep breaths. In through your nose, out through your mouth.
"That is quite enough," he says, and his baritone carries, even with his hands over my ears. I shake as I try to do what I'm told.
"Who the fuck are you?"
I grab at his jacket, terror filling my chest. He ignores me, eyes watching Niko. He looks at her like Yui-san never did, like he's looking at a child. He scowls.
"Her guardian. You have said enough, now leave."
"Her-" she cuts off and laughs. It's cruel, bitter, and full of resentment. "You're fucking kidding me? She nearly got us all killed and someone fucking adopt-"
"You have said your piece," Sensei cuts her off. "You are a child, hurt and looking for someone to blame. If you wish to inaccurately believe these fantasies you've concocted, you will do so elsewhere and outside of her hearing. The only reason you're alive is because she called for help while being assaulted. If you want someone to blame, then blame the one that held the knife."
Then, he turns his back to her.
Nobody's ever just dismissed her.
And I realize he's looking at me.
And so much bubbles up in me right then that I can't focus on the words coming out of his mouth, can't hear them. I can only see his eyes, narrowed and sharp, my bracelet burning on my wrist. Because... Because he chose me. Not Nikko.
He sighs, long and slow.
"That's enough, we're going home."