The rest of the week passes quickly, too quickly. I don't want the days to end. I study continuously, though I don't practice with my quirk at all. I should, I know I should, but my list takes precedence. I work on it incessantly, jotting down ideas any time I even think about one. Shinsou offers to help, but I refuse.
I know it's stupid, but I don't want to disappoint him either.
I'm not abused.
Why don't you just believe me?
I don't bring up that topic again. I swallow it down and bury it in the turbulent emotions always swirling in my chest. It doesn't help. It's like feeding a fire. My emotions grow each day until Friday arrives and I wake feeling raw and brittle.
Sensei can tell.
He asks me what's wrong, he sits me on the couch with Miska, he even asks if I need a hug.
"I'm fine."
He glowers at those words.
"Hoki," he says as we walk to the school. He never starts these conversations. I frown up at him.
One more day.
Will this be my last?
"Sir?"
"Do you remember the first house rule?"
First, you will tell me when something is wrong.
How could I forget? That was the strangest rule I'd ever had. Nobody cared about that before. It was always don't break the furniture, don't go in other people's rooms without permission, don't steal from the kitchen, don't wander off.
"Yes, sir."
"Are you breaking it?"
I scowl.
"We're not at home," I tell him flatly. Sensei stops walking and his eyes narrow.
"If we have to physically return there for you to explain yourself, you will not enjoy the consequences."
I glare.
"I'm fine."
I'm always fine.
People can only take so much before they break. She will break.
"I'm not broken," I snap. His lips thin.
"I didn't say you were." His hands dig into his pants. I can tell from his posture he's annoyed. His eyebrow ticks, his lips curling into a frown.
"Then leave me alone."
I walk faster and put distance between us. I can almost hear him gritting his teeth. I cross my arms, hot black flames licking at my insides.
What are you doing?
Why are you telling him that?
You're going to make him leave!
"Good," I mutter angrily to myself. I don't look back.
They always leave. He won't be any different. He isn't.
When we arrive at his classroom, he turns on the lights, comes in, drops off his things, and walks out without a word. It pisses me off. Smoke curls from my skin and I grit my teeth to control it.
Fine, leave.
I don't need him. I've never needed anyone.
I pull out my book and try not to burn the pages.
"Morning Hoki-chan!"
I glare.
"Shut up," I tell Mineta. He swallows and flinches back. I don't care.
"Hoki-chan, that was uncalled for-" Iida says when he hears. The pomp in his voice is like sandpaper on an open wound. It hurts.
"Yeah, well nobody asked your opinion," I interrupt him. He blinks at that and his shoulders fall.
On the other side of the classroom, Frog gives me a disappointed stare.
"That's rude, ribbit," she says.
The heat pumping in my veins doesn't lessen. It pounds in my ears. I take a deep breath and return to my book, ignoring her and everyone. It's not like it matters. I probably won't be back.
I don't learn names.
I'm not abused.
Nobody speaks to me and I glare at Todoroki when his eyes linger too long. He just raises an eyebrow. I want to snarl at him. He's saved from my tongue when the door slides open and Sensei walks in. Sensei's lips thin when he sees me. I glare openly back.
"Hoki, a word," Sensei says when the class ends.
My classmates mutter and glance back as they leave. Even Explosive gives me a weird look. I want to be Kagura. I want to point my middle finger and tell them to mind their own fucking business. I don't. Even with the anger flushing my skin red, I know better under Sensei's dark gaze.
You will not enjoy the consequences.
"Explain yourself."
"No."
His expression sours.
"Excuse me?"
"No," I repeat slower, enunciating as if he were stupid. He's angrier than I've ever seen him. Teeth grinding, lips downturned, and eyebrows sunk so low they shadow his eyes. "There's nothing to explain. Now let me go to class."
I wonder if he'll break his own rule.
If someone spoke to Yui-san like that she'd slap them.
I glare obstinately back.
You're not a hero, you're a fucking villain.
What are you doing?
What does it matter, I won't be back.
"Go," he says, and it hurts like a physical wound. He doesn't want you, if he did, he'd keep you. They never want you. They never stay.
I snatch my things and stomp out.
.
.
.
Yamada-Sensei tells me to stay after as well.
I don't smile, I don't cry, I sink into my fury like a heavy rock in the ocean. I feel it envelop my head, I feel it heat my skin a flushed red, I taste it in my mouth like smoke and acid and hate. Anger's so much easier—so much more familiar.
"Present Mic, she's been like that all morning," Iida says when the class ends.
"Oh?" he says, and he smiles widely at the blue-haired boy. "You sound worried."
"Well of course sir! She's our classmate, and as the class representative-"
My pencil breaks between my fingers.
Yamada-sensei smirks, Iida cringes.
"I've got it, kid. Thanks for the backstory though."
He crooks his finger and I reluctantly cross the room to him, materials in hand. I sigh heavily through my nose, mouth clamped shut.
"You need a hug?"
"No."
I don't need anything from him.
"Sure? You kinda look it," he says cocking his head to the side. "You been grouchy all morning, huh? What's eatin' at yah?"
"Nosy teachers," I snap.
He actually blinks at that one. His smile becomes more forced and he raises an eyebrow.
"That's not very nice Rin."
"Tough shit," I growl. It was one of Yui-san's favorites. That and don't be a bullshitter. A vicious black flame expands at that thought. Yui-san. She never poked. She never cared. Not that it matters, she's dead.
There are two types of people in this world.
His smile disappears altogether. His eye ticks and his lips curl into a frown.
"You are in a mood," he says. His displeasure is like claws in my chest, hollowing out space. The fire fills it. I don't care. He didn't want me. He left. Why do they always leave? "What's the problem?"
Don't pretend to care.
"I'm going to be late for class."
He scowls, arms crossing.
"I'll write you a note. Why are you so angry?"
"I'm fine."
"Yeah right. You're mean, and I know you're not a mean person. Rin-chan, I'm not going to judge-"
"Maybe I don't want to tell you," I sneer, and the hurt look on his face makes something in me ache. Smoke curls from my pores. He frowns and his shoulders slump. How dare he be hurt? What right does he have? He left. He didn't want me. He never wanted me. "I'm going to class."
He doesn't stop me. I don't look back.
.
.
.
My teachers stare. My classmates stare.
I'm thankful for lunch if just to get away.
Shinsou sits down at my table and I know what's coming.
"Go away," I tell him flatly.
He pauses and narrows his eyes. He ignores my good advice and sits.
"You're moody. You on the rag or something?"
"No."
"You been like this all day?"
"Yes."
"Is it about your deadline tomorrow?" he asks.
"I don't want to talk."
Shinsou frowns and shrugs, eating his food. He doesn't talk. When he finishes, he stands, throws away his tray, and leaves. I scowl at my uneaten food and practice setting it on fire, sneering as the smoke curls up to the ceiling. There's only about five minutes before lunch ends. I don't want to go back. I don't want to stay. I don't know what I want. I just feel so angry.
"Emo-bitch."
I look up as Explosive sits down across from me.
"Explosive."
His eye ticks.
"The hell did you call me?"
"Explosive," I repeat, slower. "You want me to spell it? E- X- P-"
"Shut the fuck up," he snaps. He glares with red cheeks. "And stop lighting shit on fire. You set off the sprinklers and I'll fucking kill you."
"Get in line," I sneer.
He glares.
"The hell is that supposed to mean?"
"Figure it out yourself," I say. I melt a plastic fork just because I can. His jaw clenches. The smell, acrid and strong, carries. He reaches over the table and slaps it out of my hand. I grab the appendage before it can retreat, fingers digging into his wrist. I hope it bruises. I hope it bleeds. "Don't touch me again."
He breaks the hold easily.
"Yeah whatever. Chill the fuck out. I don't care what's crawled up your ass, but you're getting on my damn nerves."
I glare. He glares back.
I throw away my half-melted tray of burnt food and return to class. I say nothing for the rest of the day.
.
.
.
At the end of the day, I make no move to start on homework. Sensei waits with narrowed eyes but says nothing. I say nothing and cross my arms, staring back. The standoff lasts for several minutes. When I make no move to get my things (Why? It's not like I'll be back…), he stops, picks up his papers, and packs them away.
"We're leaving."
Having pulled out nothing, I have nothing to pack.
I wait silently in my seat as he finishes. When he's done, I walk out into the hall. He locks the door. I wait for him out of habit. When his hand settles on my shoulder, I know he can feel the heat and semi-melted fibers.
I jerk away.
He scowls.
"Hoki-"
"Aizawa." I sneer back. If looks could kill, I think he'd bury me there. He breathes heavily through his nose.
He stuffs his hands in his pockets and we walk home in tense silence. I try to lag behind him, but he refuses to let me, all out stopping whenever I slow. With no other choice, I lead the way to his apartment.
When we make it to the door, I stand to the side and he holds open the door, refusing to move until I enter.
"Couch," he says simply. I consider doing otherwise. "Don't. I will physically put you there."
I clench my teeth and go obediently. He collects a blanket from a hall closet. He drops it on me as I curl into my corner. My eyebrows furrow.
"You're wearing a skirt," he says without looking. I flush, annoyed, and cover myself. He leaves again and returns with my rabbit from my room. I glare but take it, squeezing it tightly against my chest. He settles on the other end, still dressed in his hero costume, legs crossed beneath him, and slouches. "Explain."
I can't.
Isn't that the whole problem?
I can't ever explain things.
I glare silently back.
"You are about ten seconds away from being grounded," he tells me shortly. "You have been rude, disrespectful, and defiant all day. Tomorrow, you will write an apology to Hizashi, Mineta, Iida, and Shinsou."
"Not you?"
"I'm sure I'll extract a verbal one at some point," he says blandly. He's so cocky. I just want to scratch his face.
I scowl.
He raises an eyebrow.
"We can start with your behavior towards Hizashi."
Sensei pulls out his phone, it's one of the rare times I've seen him use it. He swipes through an app and narrows his eyes.
"When asked why you were upset, you responded 'Nosy teachers.'" His voice drops dangerously. He doesn't look up. "When told you were being unkind, your responses was, 'Tough shit.'"
He puts the phone down and levels me with a stern stare. Settled on my end of the couch, in the quiet security of his apartment, I can feel my anger twist into something else. My stomach aches, my throat tightens, and shame claws its way from the depths. He doesn't look away.
"I don't think I need to explain why those responses were inappropriate. Were you anyone else, you'd have been suspended or expelled. You told me this morning you were fine. Do these sound like the actions of a happy fifteen-year-old girl?"
I swallow and look down, emotions warring.
"No," I grunt.
"No, they do not. So when I ask you 'what's wrong', it's to prevent situations like this. The first rule is for you as much as those around you."
I flinch and tears well in my eyes. I clench my jaw trying to ignore them.
Sensei doesn't move. I clutch the bunny tighter, suddenly thankful for the blanket hiding my hands.
"You're lucky Shinsou has more sense than you do. He found me after lunch to tell me about the problem. You've worked yourself up over my deadline?"
I cringe into the couch.
The silence lengthens.
"I expect you to use your words. You've had no problem using them all day."
I swallow, throat aching and mouth dry.
"Yes, sir," I mumble. He sighs through his nose.
"Go get your list."
"S-S-Sir-"
"Now, Hoki." I flinch. Scrambling from the blankets, I get my bag from the floor and all but rip it open. My hands tremble when I find the folder. It rattles when I pull it out. He makes no comment and takes the wrinkled paper full of doodles, scratches, and eraser marks from my hand. I hesitate between returning to the couch and standing there waiting.
He notices.
Of course, he notices.
He sets the paper on his lap and scowls.
"Sit."
I drop to the floor and he rubs his face.
"Play with Miska," he says flatly. It's a clear dismissal. I try to pay attention to the kitten, but I can't. She scampers around me and I keep glancing back at Sensei. I keep looking to his face for some sign. My hands shake as I wait, my eyes leak, my chest aches, and after a while, I struggle to breathe. My breath comes in quiet, quick bursts.
I lean forward to try and stop it.
What if he hears and has enough? What if he's done? What if he doesn't want me?
Paper rattles and black fabric appears in front of me. I breathe harder, terrified he's done.
"Hoki, lean forward."
I do, but I can't catch my breath, I can't slow.
He kneels in front of me, one hand on my shoulder, the other on my head, pushing me further.
"Ten deep breaths, in through your nose, out through your mouth."
"I-I-I-I c-c-c-c-can't-"
"You can. Do it."
I suck in a breath and choke on it, tears and snot clogging my chest. The hand on my head slides down to rub against my back. I try again. It takes twice as long to calm my breathing, and even when I do, I can't stop the tears. They flow and flow and flow.
"I'm s-s-s-s-sorry-"
"Hush."
"B-B-B-But-"
"Not now. Tell me something that makes you happy."
"You," I choke out. The hand on my back stills and I sob. It moves a moment later to smooth out the fabric of my jacket. "Y-Y-Y-You let me cook and don't call me names. You stopped her. Y-Y-You stopped N-N-Niko. And… p-p-p-please Sensei… P-p-please don't send me away-"
He sighs.
"Hoki, you're working yourself back up. Stop."
I shake and he sighs.
"I like cats." He pauses like he doesn't know where to go with that. I choke in the silence, and he sighs again. "I found Miska in the rain. Someone had left her in a box."
The panic eases as he talks.
"She was the only one there and the cardboard was falling apart. I usually don't keep kittens for more than a few days, but she was soaked and too sick to give to the shelter. I was intending to give her back but then you arrived."
I shiver and clutch at Sensei's sleeve. He frowns.
"A-A-Are you g-g-going to-"
"No," he says. I feel my shoulders loosen and I can breathe. "She's yours."
"Wh-wh-what?"
I sit back and he lets me. The dark circles under his eyes look more pronounced, his face strangely neutral.
"When I brought you here and you showed some attachment, it was only logical she would stay. Taking her away would be detrimental to your health. Do you want to get rid of her?"
"N-N-No."
"She will stay. You will stay." His hand still presses against my shoulder. "I don't know how else to tell you this. The paperwork is signed in ink."
He takes a deep breath through his nose.
"What you did today was wrong. I'm not upset that you were angry, I'm upset that you took it out on others. Hurting others is wrong and you know that better than most. But you are still my ward and you will continue to be so. You are grounded, without question, for the next three days for this, but you will not be removed. Now, if you can stay calm, I need to finish reading this… list."
My muscles tighten, my back stiffens, and I try to control my sudden urge to cry.
He rubs his forehead.
He stands, moves back to the couch, and sits cross-legged on his end. After a moment deliberation, he gives me a sour stare.
"Come here."
"S-Sir?"
"Sit beside me."
I don't move. His eyes narrow. Nervously, I bite my lip and nod. Slowly, I stand and grab my rabbit and blanket and sort of shuffle into the space beside him. It's warm. He picks up my list and I lean into his heat. He allows me without comment. Despite the fact that it's still only afternoon and we normally would just be getting home I can't help but close my eyes.
I feel hollow and empty and exhausted.
I wake to the feeling of someone pushing me over.
"Take a nap," says a familiar voice.
I close my eyes. Fabric folds around me.
.
.
.
I wake again to the smell of food and the clink of several dishes.
I blink and pull myself up, stiff and tired. I rub at my face and my eyes feel crusted and raw. I frown and scrub at my cheeks, remembering my horrid day and the panic attack before I'd fallen to sleep. I don't look towards the kitchen. Shame fills my chest.
I wrap the blanket more firmly around me and close my eyes, sitting upright.
The tears come again. I can't help it.
I just want to hide. I want to disappear and not have to face them ever again.
"Hoki, wash your hands, it's time to eat."
I leave the blanket reluctantly and shuffle to the bathroom. My clothes are a wrinkled mess, my face red and puffy—like a tomato with black hair. I grimace, pulling out my half-unraveled braid. I brush it out and leave it down. I'm glad you left your hair down. It looks better that way.
I wash my hands and don't look up when I take my seat.
Sensei puts the plate in front of me and I stare at it for a long moment.
"Eat, Hoki."
I do. Silent. The sound of utensils scraping against plates as we consume bland vegetables and rice.
"Are you going to spend all of dinner pouting?" he asks after a few moments. I glance up. It's the first time I've looked at him since I've woken. He looks calmer, his hair pulled back. He's changed out of his hero costume and into his shirt and sweats. He meets my eye and raises an eyebrow. Then he picks up my paper—my list—and smirks. "I thought you wanted to know my thoughts."
My mouth goes dry.
"If not…" he trails off and moves to fold it. "I suppose it can wait till tomorrow-"
"Wait!" I squeak.
He does, tilting his head. I bite my lip.
"You read it?" I ask hesitantly.
"Obviously."
"Did…"
"Hmm?"
"Did I pass?" I whisper. He snorts. Then, he hands me the paper. I take it gingerly. The paper, full of eraser marks, doodles, and words, is just like I left it. I look up in concern. Was it not enough? Did I fail? Are you going to-
"Who are you talking about when you wrote, I want to protect them."
I see that line. It's near the middle. I'd underlined it twice; it had been important. I swallow and the paper crinkles as my fingers curl into fists.
"Everyone," I mumble. "I don't want to be the villain."
Sensei raises an eyebrow. Then he rests his elbow on the table and his chin on the palm of his hand. As if sitting up is too much work. He stares down his nose lazily.
"Being a hero to not be a villain is foolishness," he says, and he sounds like he does when he lectures. "You're thinking too linearly. Life and people are more complicated than these black and white choices you've assigned them. You become a villain when you use your quirk to break the law. Technically, you become a hero when you pass the hero licensing exam. Those are not the only choices in life, those are not the only options available to you. Is the cashier a villain because they don't get licensed?"
"No, sir."
"You are not a villain. I don't care what your mother made you do in your past. You will not become one if you leave the program."
I squirm under his gaze and automatically eat a bite of carrots. His lip twitches. He shakes his head.
"Would you like to be a doctor?" he asks after a moment. I blink and furrow my eyebrows.
"S-Sir?"
"I read your list. Besides some of the more ridiculous aspects, such as doing things to make others happy or proud, you spent a lot of time on wanting to help and protect others. Hero work is dangerous, gritty, and at times bleak. Hoki, you've faced villains, I know you understand those risks. What I'm not sure you understand is that you don't have to. You can be a doctor and be similarly rewarded. You can be a teacher and help children. You could become a counselor or psychologist and help victims. You don't have to be a hero, tell me why you want to be one."
Nobody's ever put it like that.
My thumb runs over the list. And then I think of Asp, of the children tied and gagged around me, of the terror that I would watch them die. I think of Sensei, back in the USJ, his back straight as he stood between us and the horde of villains below.
Promise me.
I think of the cashier, pale and shaking.
"I… I've always scared them," I try to explain again, wondering if he'll understand this time. He says nothing and waits. I swallow down the fear and clutch for the courage that pushed me into that burning building, that made me attack the monster covered in hands, that made me fight in the rain. "They called me a villain b-because I scared them. I don't- I don't want them to call me that. I want to protect them." And then, dragging in a deep breath I keep going. "I want to protect you and Yamada-sensei and Shinsou-kun."
Sensei is quiet for a moment. It's too long.
"Very well."
And then he eats his vegetables.
I stare, waiting for the rest, but it doesn't come. Something strange and thick rises in my chest. It feels like wings. It flutters, is that my heart? When I don't look away, he sighs and meets my eye.
"Yes, Hoki?"
"I… I don't understand."
He actually chuckles. My face heats, but I still don't look away. Because I want to make sure this isn't a dream. Because I'm not sure I understand. Because he can't really mean…
"I will not remove you," he says more plainly.
I can't stop myself. The chair clatters behind me. My arms wrap around his neck, and he splutters as I hold on tightly.
"Hoki-"
"Thank you," I whisper to his neck. "Thank you, thank you, thank you-"
"Yeah, alright, let go."
I do and he rolls his eyes. I move the chair back and eat my food. When I finish, I scrub my dish, change my clothes, and start on my work. I complete my homework and study until it's time to sleep. At 9:30, like he does every night, Sensei waits for me to climb under the covers and switch on the flashlight. When I do, he shuts off my light. Tonight he doesn't leave.
"Hoki."
"Sir?"
"Tomorrow morning you will write apology letters," he says giving me a stern look. I blush and nod, sinking into the sheets. "You are fully capable of expressing your fears and frustrations. Do not repeat these actions again."
"Yes, sir," I say quietly.
"Good. We have training with Shinsou tomorrow afternoon. Goodnight."
"Goodnight Sensei."
.
.
.
I write the apologies after breakfast. They take me nearly an hour as I try to find the words to express myself. When I finish, Sensei reads them over with a critical eye.
"Very well, you can give Shinsou's his today."
And that had been the end of it.
I'd expected Sensei to hold a grudge for the rest of the day, sort of the way Yui-san had, but he doesn't. He doesn't scream like Mama would, doesn't pinch, or throw back a shot. He just shrugs, pops his neck, and brings his paperwork to the table to grade. He has me work across from him, mumbling something about needing attention, and we work quietly on our own work. Nearly an hour and a half in, he stands and taps my shoulder.
"Take a break."
I really don't know what to think of that.
I move to the living room to play with Miska and glance his way nervously when he wanders into his room, returns empty-handed, and goes to get a glass of water.
"Why do you keep looking at me?"
I nearly jump when he comes to stand a few feet behind me.
"I… ah…"
He picks up one of the toys from the floor and squats beside me, waving it in front of the kitten. She scampers after it. He smiles. I stare. He looks up and raises an eyebrow.
"Well?"
"Y-You're not still angry?"
His smile disappears and he gives me a droll look.
"About what? Yesterday?" he asks curiously. I nod. "No. Should I be?"
"I… don't know?"
Sensei snorts.
"Hoki, let it go. You wrote the apologies, and you'll write me an essay every night for the next three days until you're no longer grounded."
"A… An essay?"
"Yes. But you'll get the topic at night so you're not stressing over it all day. Now stop being paranoid and quit looking at me like I'm going to bite you. Little girls don't taste good."
I giggle. He shakes his head and teases Miska into rolling onto her back.
When we return to our work, I smile.
A/N: Thank you guys so much for your reviews, they definitely make my day! I'm so excited for the next two chapters, it's the end of this angsty arc and we'll be starting on Summer Vacation! :D