the shape that i'm in now
your shape in the doorway
make your good love known to me
or just tell me about your day
Hozier, "As It Was"

June 30 (the wee hours)
Kai woke from the dream with a jerk. She sat for a second panting like a caged animal, then shot out of bed and into the bathroom, where she threw up every bite of dinner she'd eaten. With a soft moan she sank down next to the toilet and cradled her head in her hands. What if she'd made the wrong choice? There was no doubt that Flagg was the bad guy and Mother Abagail the good, but what good was being on the right side…without Nick?

Kai didn't know if she was a good person or not. She knew she preferred to love rather than to hate, that she abhorred violence, and that her tolerance for intolerance was nonexistent, but weren't those just basic hurdles one had to clear to be a civilized member of society?

But she did know Nick, and she knew that whatever doubts she had about her own character, she had none about his. They hadn't known each other more than a week, but in that time they'd been through a lot, and there had been plenty of chances to see the type of person he was.

"A better man than you, D'Arnaud, and he still needs your help," she muttered to herself. She pushed herself up from the floor with a grunt. Stopped at the sink to wash out her mouth and splash cool water on her face. She wet a washcloth for Nick, too, and went back to the bedroom.

There was a nightlight in one corner of the room that she kept on all night. It gave enough light to judge his breathing and to keep her from tripping over anything on her way to the bathroom, but not enough to really see. She stood for a moment in the semi-dark. The house itself was quiet, but the owl that lived in the surrounding woods seemed to be having some sort of owl hootenanny. She grinned at her own stupid joke and shook herself awake (she'd almost dozed off standing there listening to the ruckus).

When she reached for Nick, a hand rose from the dark and grabbed her wrist. She froze, heart hammering—not with fear, but with hope—and turned on the lamp with her free hand. She looked down at him, eyes wide, and he glared back with a face scrunched against the sudden onslaught of brightness.

He let go of her with a rough sigh. "Kai…?" His movements were sluggish, weak, but it was the first time in three days he'd been truly coherent.

She gave a sob of relief. Now, in the light, she could see that he was drenched with sweat. "Yeah, Nick, it's me. Don't move. Hang on." She touched his cheek, then his forehead, and found his skin to be cool and damp. His fever had broken.

"What happened? I dreamt…about him. I couldn't—find you."

"You shot yourself, remember?"

He frowned. "In the eye?"

"No, that really would've been something. The leg."

He sucked in a rough breath through clenched teeth as he tried to move it. "Oh yeah."

"It got infected. You've been out a few days."

"How long?" He struggled a moment. "Help me sit up."

"Okay, slow down, you're weak. You couldn't keep anything down, so you're hungry and dehydrated. I'll help you up, then I'm going to get you something to drink." She wrapped her arms around his too-thin form and helped him sit up, then held him while she adjusted the pillows behind him. By the time she got him leaned back against them, he was panting and his face was drawn.

"Fuck," he said.

"Fair assessment. I'll be right back. Do not move, understood?"

He just nodded and closed his good eye.

She hurried to the kitchen to grab a bottle of Pedialyte. She debated chicken broth, but decided that could wait. She needed to get fluids into him fast, and she had to make sure they would actually stay in.

She paused in the hallway outside the bedroom and leaned against the wall. Took several deep, steadying breaths. His fever had broken. She needed to check his leg. Get him cleaned up. She wanted to hear about his dream. She should tell him about hers.

He was awake. His fever had broken. Apparently Randall Flagg didn't hold as many cards as he claimed to.

When she got back he was sleeping, but peacefully. She almost let him, but he needed fluids. She climbed up onto the bed beside him and gave him a gentle shake.

"Fell asleep," he signed as his eye fluttered open.

"I know." She shook the bottle, opened it, and handed it to him. He frowned at it.

"Are you kidding?"

"Sarah used to give this to anyone with a stomach bug. It's less sugar than GatorAde and rehydrates better. Or so she always said. Drink up, and if you feel up to it, I'll make you some chicken broth."

"Yes, ma'am." He gave her a brief grin to show he was kidding, and when she lifted a brow at him, he dutifully took a sip. "Not bad," he said.

"Drink as much as you can, but don't rush. Small, slow sips."

He did as she instructed, and after about a quarter of the bottle, he put the lid on and set it aside. "How long?"

"Three days," she said. "When I got back from my run to town that first night, you were out. Fever had spiked and you were delirious. After that you were in and out. Sometimes I'd get the fever down a bit, but then it'd shoot right back up. You'd be awake for an hour, max, then gone again."

"I don't remember any of that." He rubbed his arms with his palms as though suddenly chilled. "I remember dreaming. I was in the corn, and I kept looking for you, but I couldn't find you. There were always coyotes and crows. Rats too, I think. Then…him."

She let out a rough sigh and slumped against the pillows. "Yeah, me too. Did he offer you a deal?"

He gave a slow nod. "He said I could have power and sex. Whatever I wanted. My hearing, my eye back, the ability to speak. He said…he wanted me to be his voice, and that assholes like Ray Booth would cower before me." He made a face that eloquently expressed his opinion of that idea.

"And you said no." It wasn't a question.

He looked at her then, his face wan and lined with fatigue, but his eye bright and steady. "So did you."

Her mouth quirked. "How do you know?"

"Because I know you," he said without any hesitation. "You wouldn't have said yes."

She dipped her head and ran a hand through her tangled hair. She needed a shower. "I might have. I was in the corn, and I found you there, passed out. He offered me…you. You, alive and well, with your eye and your ears and your vocal cords. I might—have said yes. But then you…woke up. You looked at me, and I knew—you didn't want it. If I said yes and made you into someone—something—you're not, you never would have forgiven me."

He pondered that a moment. Would he have been angry? Yeah, a bit, because what—she wanted him different? She thought he wanted to be different? It would have been a betrayal, but to be fair—one made in good faith. He ran a hand over his face, careful to avoid his bad eye. "Never is a long time, Kai," he finally said.

"But…?"

"But." He sighed. "I would've been pissed that you sold your soul for me…and that you had so little faith in me."

She snorted. "Nick, you goofy idiot. Who the fuck else on earth would I possibly sell my soul for?"

"Don't say that," he said.

She shrugged. "It's the truth. He started off by telling me to leave you, that you were going to die. He realized real fast that wasn't gonna fly, so he switched tactics."

"His first offer to me wasn't great, either." She cast him a curious look, but he just gave a brief shake of his head. "Not important. I guess he starts with the easiest and most obvious and goes from there. Makes you wonder what he offers the people who accept."

"A stack of Playboys and a bottle of Jergens," she said with a snort.

"That's gross, Kai." But he grinned as he said it. His grin slowly faded and he leaned back against the pillows. "Shit. I'm exhausted."

"You'll have to take it slow for a while," she said. "It's going to take time to get your strength back." Her eyes dropped and she picked at the sheet a moment. "And, you know. It's weird, but I feel like…" Her brows drew together over stormy eyes. "It was hard to say no. No, I didn't want his first offer; I'd never leave you like that; but…the second one…. And I thought, maybe this is the only way. Maybe by saying no I'm condemning Nick to die. Maybe I made the wrong choice." She paused, hands hovering in midair. "That was the worst part."

He gave a slow nod. "He knew what to say to tempt us. I mean—I'm human. Part of me does like the idea of turning the tables on psychotic bullies and bigots. Getting some of my own back. But it felt like…okay, maybe I'd feel like hot shit for a while, but…" He shrugged, restlessly. "The cost seemed too high, in the end."

"A soul is a high price to pay."

Their eyes met. "I'm not sure if I even believe in a soul. Integrity, I guess, is a better word. Humanity. I don't know." He frowned and touched her chin when she tried to look away again. "I meant you, Kai. If I'd said yes it would've cost me you, no matter what promises he made."

Her mouth fell open and her eyes went big and bright. "I—that's—why I said no, too. At least—part of why. He kept saying I didn't need you, that you're just baggage, but he was wrong." Her mouth quirked, ruefully. "I realized at some point in the last three days that surviving Captain Trips doesn't mean a whole lot without you. I know that's a lot of pressure to put on you after so short an acquaintance—"

"No, it's not."

"But it's just the way I"—she blinked—"it's not?"

"It's how I feel about it too. I don't believe in God and I don't think I believe in fate or predestination or anything like that, but I do believe in you. You're here. You're real. There's a reason you're the one I was looking for in all of those dreams. I don't really understand any of this, or what the fuck any of it has to do with me, a deaf-mute drifter from Nebraska, but I understand you." He grimaced. "As much as I can, anyway. As much as you'll let me."

"I…" She sat very still for several long heartbeats. Then, "I don't let people know me. As a rule."

His wide mouth curved. "Don't I know it. It's okay. I'm patient." He hesitated, then tugged her closer and he wrapped his arm over her shoulders.

She settled in, cheek resting lightly against his chest, and listened to the steady sound of his heart. How much had changed in the few short days since the last time she'd done this, sitting on Jane Baker's bathroom floor. She felt like they'd been through fire and had come out of it more or less intact, and steadier and more sure of each other than before.

"I'm glad you're not dead," she said. "And that we both said no."

He snorted. "Shit me too. But I never doubted you. You made me a promise."

"So I did," she said with a wry tilt to her mouth. "I always keep my promises."

"That's my girl," he said.

He felt her tense against him, and he wondered if he'd made a major blunder. He hadn't meant it…quite like it came across. But he felt if he tried to explain he'd just fuck it up worse. He wasn't claiming her, or even trying to say that she was—or they were—it was just a turn of phrase! And—a little bit true, because after all hadn't they just said how they were in this together?

"Apocalypse buddy," he said, and she relaxed.

"Right. End-of-the-world friend."

He winced. Not exactly what he meant either, but if it kept her from clamming up again, okay. It would do. Baby steps.

They sat together for a while in silence, just enjoying the closeness and the rare moment of peace.

"You're a pretty decent human, Nick Andros."

"High praise from such a decent human as you, Kai D'Arnaud."

She shrugged. "Not decent, per se. Just picky."

"Even better," he said, grinning. He dipped his head toward his other armpit and made a face. "That is me I smell. I need a shower. Bad."

She disentangled herself from him with a brief smile. "I think a bath would be a better bet. You might tip over in the shower."

His brow crinkled. "Good point. Okay. Here I go." He tossed the covers back and turned around to throw his legs over the edge of the bed. He struggled to his feet. Took two shuffling steps, then cast a look over his shoulder.

"Need some help?"

He nodded, then wavered on his feet. She hurried around the bed and wrapped an arm around him. "Okay, no need to get dramatic, Aunt Pittypat. No fainting on my watch."

He glowered at her, but he was grateful for her help as she got him into the bathroom, sat him on the closed toilet, and started the water. She gestured for him to stay put and left for a minute. When she got back she had clean clothes and a little silver bell.

"Ring this when you're ready to get out. Do not, under any circumstances, try to get out of that tub by yourself."

"Kai…"

"Nick. I've seen penises before. But I promise I won't look."

His eyes widened in alarm. "Did you—take me to the bathroom?"

"I got you in here, and got you back to bed. You did the parts in the middle all by yourself."

He let out a long breath. "Okay. That's okay then." He held his hands out to her, and she helped him up and over to the tub.

"Don't forget to take the bandage off before you get in. Ring the bell if you need anything," she said, and left him.

Once the door closed he leaned down to carefully peel the bandage away. He grimaced as the tape snagged on his leg hair. The wound was on the same side as his bad eye, so he couldn't really see it, but there was a full-length mirror on the back of the bathroom door. He limped that way and twisted to get a look.

Fuck, he thought. It looked better than it had the first time he'd seen it, but it was still gnarly. The swelling had gone down, and it was pink rather than red. Starting to heal, but a long way to go. He frowned down at the bandage. Why the hell did it smell like honey?

He dropped it in the trashcan and carefully stepped into the tub. Sank into the hot water with a hiss of pain as it hit his leg. Whose idiotic idea was this?

Yours, dumbass. Now sit there and think about what you've done.

He let his head fall back and closed his eyes, and next thing he knew Kai was shaking him awake and the water was cold.

"Sorry," she said. "You've been in here an hour. I was afraid you might drown."

He gave a wary nod. She held a towel out like a curtain, and he slowly, laboriously pushed himself to his feet. Wrapped the towel around his waist and let her help him out. She turned her back while he dried off and got dressed, then helped him to the bed. She had changed the sheets. He gave her a surprised look.

She shrugged. "You got them all sweaty. In you go." She stopped him from pulling the covers up. "I think I should bandage it again. Just for another day or two."

He nodded again and pulled the edge of his shorts up to give her easier access. "Why does it smell like honey?" he said as she spread something on the bandage.

"Oh." She smoothed it into place and added tape. "It is honey. Honey, yarrow, and calendula. Excellent for wound care: antiseptic and helps the new, healthy tissue grow faster. That's why I wanted to re-bandage it. I can't just smear this stuff on you; it would make a hell of a mess on the sheets." She wrapped gauze around his thigh and taped it into place.

"When did you start doing that?"

She tilted her head as she tried to remember. "Yesterday morning, I think? This is the…seventh treatment? Yeah, that's right. It seems to be doing a good job. Your wound looks a lot better than it did." She put away the bandaging supplies and handed him three pills and the bottle of Pedialyte. "Antibiotic, two Tylenol. For the pain, and just in case your fever tries to come back."

He swallowed them and kept the bottle to keep drinking. She pointed out the mug of broth on the nightstand, then walked around the bed to start collecting her things. He frowned over at her.

"You were sleeping here?"

She looked away, her expression guarded. "I was afraid to leave you alone for too long, and when you—were the worst—delirious and…all that…if I fell asleep, you'd wake me up. I wasn't sure you were coherent enough to ring a bell if you needed me."

His frown deepened. He played with the bottle lid. Screwed it back on and set the bottle aside. "I can't believe you did all that for me."

"Nick…" She bit her lip, and there were a thousand things she wanted to say. Instead she just gave a little shrug and a smile. "You'd do the same for me."

"I would," he said. "Except the honey thing. I didn't know that. But all the rest." His lips curved, and her own smile widened.

"Anyway, now that you're awake and have the bell, I'll get out of your way." She held an empty mug and two books, plus a small stack of laundry.

"Stay."

"Oh, well—I was about to take a shower. I can come back after, but I figure you'll probably be asleep. But I'll check on you before I go to bed."

The line formed between his brows and he twisted a hand through his hair. "No, Kai, I mean—stay. Go take your shower, then come back and sleep in here. Don't—go. I mean—unless you want to. If it makes you uncomfortable now that I'm awake."

Her brilliant eyes widened. "No! I mean—no, it—doesn't make me uncomfortable. I want you to be—comfortable. You're the walking wounded here."

His face eased into a soft smile. "I'll be comfortable if you're here. Please stay."

"Yeah," she said with a jerky nod. She dropped her things back onto the bed. "I didn't like the idea of—being all by myself. It's been a really rough few days."

"I'm getting that idea." He waved toward the bathroom. "Go shower. I'll drink my soup, and you can tell me more about it when you get back."

She chuckled. "Sure. If you're awake, I'll talk your other eye out."

"Good," he said. "I'm pretty sure I missed you."

She shot him a grin and disappeared into the bathroom before he could see her blush.

In a move that surprised absolutely no one, he'd fallen asleep by the time she got back. She checked his forehead just to make sure, but the fever wasn't back, and his sleep was peaceful. "Welcome back, Andros. I'm pretty sure I missed you, too."

She curled up next to him, and just before she drifted off, she felt him stir. His arm went around her waist and he pulled her close. She fell asleep with the warmth of his breath against her neck and the rhythm of his heart in sync with hers, and she knew she'd made the right choice when she told Flagg to fuck off. Nick was back, he was going to be okay, and she'd kept her promise.

shorter chapters for these last two, but don't worry: they'll get lengthy again next week :)

Thanks for the comments! Please sir can I have some more?