She dreamed of her friend.

Her neighbor.

Joel.

They were outside the settlement, seemingly coming back from patrol. She saw the gates of Jackson in the distance, and Joel was walking right next to her; his shoulder brushing against hers. She was startled by the real warmth she felt by his touch, considering how cold it was. In this dream, they were a bit younger. The hard worry lines that usually were painted beneath his eyes were much shallower, and his gorgeous hair had less grey than usual. He had more spring in his step, and a small smile toyed at the corner of his lips. He seemed softer overall, like all his trauma hasn't started weighing on him yet. What a beautiful sight. Life has really hardened him. The sun was getting low, bathing them in a warm golden light. Birds were chirping, and the wind felt so good in her hair. She got lost in the playfulness of the breeze, and in his eyes. He was talking about something, but she could only see his mouth moving. He was smiling, so his topic of conversation weighed nothing as it rolled off his tongue. She could hear everything but him, the one thing she wanted to hear. This may be the last time she would see him; she was desperate to hear his voice in case she wouldn't wake up.

What if this was the last time she would ever see the man that she loved?

The thought caused her eyes to fill with tears, both of grief and happiness. Her last moments with her neighbor, safe from harm. It was so serene in this dream, the only thing that could make it better was to hear that voice of his. There were a million things she wanted to say to him. How sorry she was for letting him down, for scaring him, making him carry her through the woods, and never giving him the chance to see if he loved her. He was deserving of love, of compassion, and of understanding. He deserved someone who gave him that, and she never allowed the opportunity to let him see that she was always a possibility. They always say that you need to tell those how you feel before it was too late, but you never know when it's too late until it is too late. Thinking back, she saw so many times that she could have swallowed her insecurities and just opened up to him, but never did. It left a bitter taste in her mouth and her stomach was tangled in knots.

"I'm so sorry Joel..."

She said it to him with tears in her eyes, knowing that he wouldn't hear her. She desperately wanted to grab his arm and just embrace him while she had the chance, but each time she reached out to touch him, her fingers just pushed right through him as if he were made of air. He exuberated warmth where her fingers touched, but that was all she could sense of him. He was just an apparition to her in this dream, and there was nothing she could do. Her heart shattered, and tears flowed down her cheeks. This might be the last time she could see him and she couldn't even hear him. Couldn't talk to him.

If there was a God, He was cruel.

How evil she must be, to be punished this way.

She would trade her soul, her body, and everything she had to have just one more night on his porch tapping her foot and humming to his music. Just one more night with her friend, where everything was right.

Just one more night with her and him, just one last time.

As they walked further inland the gates of Jackson got bigger, and she got more distraught with each step they took towards the settlement. Her home. She knew that once she got there, she wouldn't wake up. The gates that once protected her from infected and despicable humans, was now the gates to her next life. She could feel it in her heart that hell was waiting for her on the other side of the doors, and she would never see her loved ones again. She tried to reach out to Joel again, calling out to him at a sorry attempt to break through the barrier that kept him from hearing her. She stood in front of him to block him, yelling his name, but he kept walking as if she wasn't even there. Please God, don't let this be it. Her children were in Heaven, but she wouldn't be able to be with them for eternity like she wanted to. She no doubt would go to hell for the sins she committed just trying to survive on this god forsaken earth. So, if she couldn't be with her babies, please just let her stay with Joel for just a little while. She desperately tried to push Joel back so their walk didn't have to end soon. She was silently begging God to just give her a second more with him. Her desperation was so great that it made her chest hurt with how much she wanted just a second. Needed a second. Please.

"Joel please stop walking for just a second I just want to look at you I want t-"

"Beth?"

His warm southern voice filled her ears and she broke. She gathered him in her shaking arms and held him so tight that she couldn't breathe. She sobbed loudly as she held him in the trees, melting in the warmth he gave her. He was so confused, but she didn't care. He hesitantly lifted an arm to drape over her trembling body, and pat her to comfort her.

"What's gotten into you? We are almost home, let's go"

He murmured in her ear.

"I can't Joel, I can't go home with you"

She cried in his shoulder.

"What? Of course you can. Come on"

He said, pulling her off of him and grabbing her arm.

She tried pulling away from him, her heart racing in her ears. He was going to drag her to hell, literally.

"No Joel just please wait just a second!" She cried, grabbing his hand and forcing him to stand still, "I have something important to say!"

"I already know, Beth. You don't have to apologize, I forgive you"
He joked, cracking an amused smile.

He took her surprise and confusion as confirmation and started dragging her back to the gate again. They were just a few feet in front of it this time and she was pulling him back hopelessly trying to get him to wait just a second. He wasn't listening of course, and he actually thought this was funny! He chuckled at her acting a fool and she slammed her body against the gates so he couldn't open them.

"What has gotten into you? Come on, let's go inside"

He chuckled, trying to pull her from the door.

"I love you, Joel!"

She exclaimed loudly as a last-ditch effort to make him stop for a fucking second. Before she had to say goodbye to her soul and leave him behind, she had to say it. The tears overflowed from her wide eyes as she crumbled under the weight of her own words. She slid down the gates until she was sitting down against the cold metal and wood and looking up at him in unease and uncertainty. Her heart was fluttering in her chest and she struggled to catch her breath. Joel showed no emotion, just stood there looking straight ahead, where she was just standing. Just say something! Anything! She couldn't lose this second chance.

"I... I-I understand if you don't feel the same way" She stammered, "But I couldn't go home until I told you that, Joel."

She couldn't seem to catch her breath; she was gasping for air as she helplessly watched him process her words. Did he feel the same way? Does it matter at this point? She wasn't going to see him again after this anyway. While Joel wasn't saying anything, she took this time to say goodbye to the life she was about to leave behind. She allowed herself to mourn herself, to mourn the loss of Joel as soon as she crossed over the threshold of these gates, to pity herself for not being able to reunite with her children, and to mourn the family she could have had with her friend. She was going to fix his relationship with Ellie and finally be happy for the first time since she lost her children. All the potential she lost filled her regrets more than anything else, and she cursed bitterly at herself for not doing anything while she had the chance. She gave herself a second.

A second to compose herself.

A second to drink Joel in.

A second to get up and dust herself off.

She sent a last silent prayer to the God she didn't believe in, and worked the courage to turn around and to wrap her trembling fingers around the handle of the gates. This was it. There was so much she didn't get to do, but at least she told Joel her true feelings before she went. She gave Joel one last glance before closing her eyes for the final time and taking a deep breath to compose herself. Can't go to hell crying like a baby, she had to take her punishment like a woman.

Right as she started to pull the doors open, she saw a flash of Joel's watch and his hand grabbed the handle over hers. She looked up at him, hoping to God he would say something. Anything to send her off into her next life. Maybe he will return his feelings and heal her soul before she handed it off to Satan. He didn't say anything, but he smiled warmly at her.

"Make sure you tell me that when you get back."

She wanted to ask him questions, wanted to demand an answer from the handsome man, but he didn't give her a chance. He flung the gates open and a blinding light flooded over them. She shielded her eyes, as the light engulfed everything around them in blinding white light. A violent wind blew everything around them away, except for him. The wind only lasted a moment before it died down, and she opened her eyes again. She used her hand to shield the light until it got somewhat dim enough to see inside. It definitely wasn't what she was expecting. She was expecting darkness and wails of the damned, or even infected waiting to tear her apart, but not this. Was this heaven? Was she finally going to see her babies again?! She looked back at Joel, excited to introduce him to her babies, but he stayed right outside the gates. She was going in alone. She called out to him, but he just smiled and waved. He waved her off, waved goodbye.

She waved goodbye to him, ready to let him go to run into her children's arms, but the further she ran inside the bright light, the more she realized that her babies weren't waiting on her. She was completely alone in here. She wanted to run back to Joel, but as soon as she shifted her attention to the gates they slammed shut. The noise made her scream and jump, and darkness quickly swallowed her whole. This was it. Where she would be for eternity. Without her friend.

Without Joel.