"Joel! Get in here she's awake!"

Ellie hurried to the hallway to grab Joel who was talking with Tommy in the hallway. He was tired, he had hardly slept since Beth had been in the infirmary. Ellie didn't understand why, seeing as they were only next-door neighbors, but she had never seen him so...raw than when she saw him when he was carrying her to the gates of Jackson. He didn't talk to her about what happened, and Tommy won't tell her. It was frustrating, because he didn't talk about anything anymore. When Joel saw her come out, he immediately turned his attention to her, and waved Tommy off. Ellie grabbed his hand to drag him back to the room, noticing how rough and weathered his skin was on his fingers. It had been a long time since she had physically touched him for any reason, but she felt he needed it. The bags under his eyes were deep and dark, it was a wonder he was even still awake.

The light was blinding for Beth, so she couldn't open her eyes all the way. She saw the torso of Ellie and Joel standing at the foot of her bed, but couldn't look up at their faces. She mustered whatever strength she had to motion her finger to the window to have one of them to close the curtains so she could see them. Ellie gladly closed the curtains and stood in front of the window so she could finally adjust her eyes to the room. The infirmary was in a larger house that was towards the middle of the settlement, so she woke up to cozy lamps, wood floors, and actual painted walls instead of that nauseating hospital grey. It was comforting after accepting death not too long before hand. There was a relieved look on Ellie's face when Joel finally smiled for the first time since all this happened. His smile lit the room like the rising sun, and filled her heart with warmth and comfort.

"Hey Ellie, could you just... give us a minute?"

Joel asked, glancing at her.

"Sure thing." Ellie slipped out of the room.

A raging silence washed over the room as soon as the door closed. Joel was struggling with whatever he was trying to say, and she wanted to say something too but she just didn't have the strength to talk. She wanted to hug him and spill her feelings onto him, but the thought of opening her mouth the speak was agonizing. She was paralyzed to this bed, and was at his mercy. Was he finally going to realize his feelings and confess? Or was he going to congratulate her on living? Her heart fluttered under his unwavering gaze.

"The uh... Doctor said that if we waited just a few minutes more that uh... well, you know. He said you were lucky"

He murmured, scratching the back of his head.

She could see him fighting back tears, he couldn't even say that she almost died. She hated to see him so vulnerable, but it was good that he was opening up to her. He didn't do that much anymore. Maybe he did care about her more than a friend. Dare she say, love? Joel took a deep, rattling breath and sat down in a chair that was positioned next to her bed. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands together. He looked as if he aged ten years. How long was she asleep? He looked at the floor, and seemed to try to gather his thoughts. He looked so upset, and it broke her heart.

"Beth," he started, "I am...SO sorry that I didn't get back faster. I could have done more I should have-"

He cut himself off to inhale sharply and to sit back in his chair. He looked at the ceiling and quickly wiped a tear from his eye. She felt her own eyes welling with tears just seeing him go through this turmoil. He saw her tears and she saw regret flash over his features. He immediately softened up and placed his hand on hers. He was warm. Her skin was so cold, and even he could tell.

"I'm sorry Beth, I just wanted to apologize for everything that happened, I didn't mean to make you upset"

She wanted to comfort him, to chastise him for apologizing. None of this was his fault and it killed her that he blamed himself. She couldn't allow him to wallow in this self-deprecation. She mustered her strength again, and tried to comfort him.

"N-no"

She hoarsed, cringing at the sharp pain shooting down her throat.

His face was going through so many emotions at one time, and he pulled his hand back to his chair. He looked up at the ceiling to fight back more tears, and he sighed in relief. A visible weight lifted off his broad shoulders. He clasped his hands again and sat back in his chair, a small smile playing at his lips. There was a smile, it made her feel better.

"Don't try to talk too much, doc says that your lung aint working like they're supposed to."

He said, trying to calm himself down more than her.

She wanted to badly to tell him how she felt. She didn't care how much it hurt. She made a promise to herself, and to him. She couldn't let the opportunity pass. She had to, no matter how much it hurt.

"Joel."

Her voice wasn't getting any better. Confessing to him like this wasn't what she imagined, but it would have to do. It was now or never. He sat up to hear her better, and his closeness was making her heart pound. It was intimidating to look him in the face to do this, she felt like she was sixteen again.

"I... I love..."

Her voice trailed off because the pain was shooting daggers down her throat. She swallowed, and it felt like a knife going down. She took a deep breath and looked at him, desperate to just get the words out.

"I love...you...Joel"

She did it. She got it out! She mentally cheered for herself, ole girl still got it! Joel looked at her with hundreds of emotions running across his face. He was always so reserved and hid his emotions well, but for some reason she could see them sometimes. Most of the time she couldn't but this was one of those moments of the anomaly that is Joel Miller. She relaxed against her pillow, giving him the space to process what she said. She was tired from forcing herself to talk, it was like it was too much excitement for just waking up. Beth liked her sleep, so she easily recognized the familiar beckoning to the void of sleep approaching her. Joel stood up from his chair without a word, and she watched him move to the window and look out through the curtains. She could feel the tension in the air. She could handle rejection; she didn't expect him to return his feelings. He took a deep breath, and turned back to her.

"Beth... I care for you. I deeply care for you. More than a friend, but I just don't know how something like this would work out for someone our age. We are too old for dating, especially in this kind of world. I'm sorry"

He said, looking at her in the eyes.

Her heart sank, and she nodded. She was hopeful, but she knew there was a slim chance he would actually go for more than whatever they had. He took another deep breath, shame and guilt painting his features. She wanted to comfort him, and make sure he knew that things were okay, but she just didn't have the strength to do it. Joel sat back down next to her and took her hand firmly, looking straight at her to convey his message.

"You have no idea how much those nights on my porch meant to me. The music, the food, the company. It made me feel human again. Alive. Like I wasn't just surviving anymore. You gave me so much just by giving me your time." He smiled, "and I hope that we can still do those things. But I can't commit to anything anymore. I even destroyed my relationship with Ellie, so I know I would ours and I just don't want to lose you."

She took his words in, and fought the tears that threatened to fill her eyes again. Compassion and companionship scared the hell out of him, and she understood why. She nodded as a tear escaped her eye. Joel hated seeing her this way, and couldn't take it anymore. He let go of her hand and stood up to leave. He opened the door and Ellie almost fell into the room by how close she was pressed against the door eavesdropping. Joel huffed in slight annoyance at her, and looked back at me helplessly.

"As soon as you get out, I expect you on my porch for some good music, okay?"

He asked.

Ellie shamelessly got up from the floor and dusted herself off as Beth nodded at Joel. Joel led Ellie out of the room, and she waved at Beth as she left. When the door shut, the room got quiet again. She took a moment to allow herself to cry at his rejection, and to cry about the events that unfolded before she was shot. Each heave of silent sobs sent immense pain through her body, and she quickly became too tired to pity herself. Before she even realized it, she was dozing off to sleep.