You have forced my hand.
Nice work. ;)
#The Maroni Family #Damian Wayne is Diego Maroni #Tim Drake is Alvin Draper #Dick Grayson is Bryce Larkin #Chuck #Cassandra Cain is Cora #Barbara Gordon is Oracle #Barbara Gordon is O
GP
Peter would never admit this to Neal.
But the conman was one of the hardest criminals to catch in the history of the FBI. The James Bonds case was the one that made Peter's career. It took three years to catch him.
Grandpa Caffrey on the other hand...
Grandpa Caffrey was not leaving.
He left with Neal in a cab and the next day the CI showed up for work as usual, but then a few hours later the old man pretty much teleported next to Neal's desk when they blinked.
Every damn time they managed to escort him out of the building, Caffrey Senior was already up before they got out of the elevator.
The guards outside the building were ordered not to let him in. The agents working in the lobby were tasked to keep an eye out for the Caffrey Houdini that kept showing up. There were two interns purposely placed to monitor the security cameras looking for so much as a shadow of a top hat.
And yet...
And yet –
Grandpa Caffrey was everywhere.
He was tripping feds with his cane, moving around with paperwork in his hands, somehow always turning around and 'accidentally' whacking agents over the head with, until everyone learned to part ways when he was walking.
He kept giving Jones etiquette lessons and Peter headaches. He wouldn't stop flirting with Diana, much to her amusement.
Nobody knew he was looking through classified case files until he was yelling 'They did it wrong again, Nile!'.
He wouldn't stop stealing Peter's coffee and then complain about it.
He snuck inside an interrogation room with a suspect. By the time they realized what was happening, the suspect was crying and admitting everything they've ever done down to the last lunch money theft in primary school.
But Peter put his foot down when, a week after dealing with two Caffreys, he came home to his wife, laughing with the Devil Grandpa.
Next morning Peter got to June's half an hour earlier.
"He's got to GO."
Neal looked at him amused.
"I'm afraid removing him from anywhere is not a one-man job."
"Get it done or I'm throwing you back in prison."
Neal snorted.
"It's like telling me to move the sun or something. I can't do it alone. Either you learn to live with him around (which I would love to see), you and the FBI manage to make him stop (unlikely) or I call some people in and you close your eyes for the next... " Jason did a quick math. "Three days."
Peter didn't even hesitate.
"As long as nobody dies and your tracker is still on, you have permission for anything."
Jason grinned.
Any other time Peter would have been terrified. Now he was just desperate.
He watched Neal take out a phone that did not look like the one approved by the FBI, and type a few things in.
"Prepare to meet the family."
Wha-
No.
No, no –
Oh, no.
There's more of them.
GP
Day 1: Regrouping
Three other guys and three other girls.
The entire FBI only managed to ID one of the guys – and even that was... odd, to say the least.
Alvin Draper. There was a file on him, a big one too, but it was 98% blackened with the word 'CONFIDENTIAL' slapped across it.
The youngest boy – Diego – was the embodiment of 'Assassin Creed' mixed with 'The Godfather'. He disappears into the shadows and drops from the vents. The FBI building suddenly became a haunted house.
The oldest guy, Bryce, could have passed for normal if he hadn't gotten in through the window from the sixth floor. And if it wasn't for that piece of conversation Peter was trying his best to forget...
"Did you call Benny?"
"Bryce died three years ago, Gramps." Neal said, not looking up from his phone.
"I didn't ask if he's dead, I asked if you called him."
"... I did."
"And?"
"He's on his way."
Grandpa Caffrey nodded, satisfied.
Peter's ears were ringing.
"What?!"
Neal shrugged.
GP
The girls were... something.
The redhead rolled up in a fancy wheelchair. Alvin called her 'O'?
The blonde one came in in full ballerina outfit. Shoes, tights, hair in a bun, the whole package. She looked like she could strangle a man with her feet.
Neal walked into the office that first day with the black haired one clinging koala-style to his back. Whether Neal was aware of that fact or not remains unclear.
Cora was apparently mute, but Peter didn't rule out the possibility of it being another con.
And the next few days were... illuminating.
GP
Damian still had the same amount of tact he had when he first met them. Not that Jason was any better.
"You look terrible."
"I missed you, too, you little gremlin."
Damian has a sword fight with Alfred. Umbrella vs cane.
Around the Caffrey family, the FBI agents suddenly feel under armed even with their guns strapped to their belts.
GP
Operation: Remove Gramps from the FBI
Brainstorming:
"Let's get a chopper – fly him home. He'll get distracted on the way back and forget to return?"
"I think Peter might have a stroke if we land a helicopter on the building."
"We can try to bribe him?"
"With what? He still owns everything!"
"Blackmail?"
"He'll eat us alive."
"... Extortion?"
"Good luck with that."
"We could call Dad."
"He'll laugh in our faces."
Grandpa Caffrey waved his cane from the other side of the room.
"He's doing it wrong!"
"You're doing it wrong!" yell all the batkids freakishly on sink.
Jason suddenly snapped his fingers.
"Tell him you'll race him home!"
"Why aren't you doing it?"
"I've got a radius. But you have fun."
GP
Tim got Grandpa Caffrey to Walmart.
Gramps was back in an hour. Alvin was back in two.
"What happened?"
"Yeah, so – long story short – we're officially banned from Walmart."
"?!"
"Also, this is Wally. :) " He declared, holding up a transparent bag with a traumatized looking fish swimming around.
GP
Cassandra rolled herself in a rug in one of the main offices and fell asleep. Peter tripped over her one morning and almost broke his neck.
GP
"Did you get my note?"
"Of course I got it. You taped it to my forehead while I was sleeping!"
GP
"Unfortunately, I'm pretty much the only one in the family who likes to think things through." Tim commented.
Jason snorted.
"Since when? I once saw you eat a marshmallow that was still on fire."
GP
"What are you drinking?" Jones asked Tim.
"Witchcraft." He answered, mixing black coffee, red bull and 6 expressos.
Jones took a step back.
GP
Song changes on the radio.
Tim groaned.
"I hate that song."
"Well, you have to admit it's catchy." Dick commended.
"The fucking plague is catchy too, that doesn't mean it's good."
GP
Neal: "What's the word for the thing?"
Dick: "What word?"
Neal: "The spritz spritz thing with the nozzle that looks like a drink but usually contains poison."
Peter: O_O
Neal: I can think of the word in every language I know but English.
Batfam: *knows every language Jason knows and could help in 0.4 seconds but nahh*
Dick: I don't know, bro, but I'm sure it will come to you.
*3 hours later*
Neal: *bursts into conference room* "SPRAY BOTTLE!"
Jones: *falls off chair*
Peter: "What even-"
GP
Day 2:
Tim sighs for the hundred time in the past hour. Peter is seconds away from strangling him.
"I'm booooored."
Neal doesn't even blink.
"Hi, bored. I don't give a shit."
Diana snorted into her coffee. It takes Tim another hour to stop laughing.
GP
The batboys race each other down the hall with the rolling chairs.
Dick falls out the window.
GP
"Jefferson! Tell Dean that I'm right!" Grandpa Caffrey yells at Jones.
The agent turned to look at them. At Damian's trademark glare he paled considerably.
"I – I would. But every time he looks at me like that, I go all cold inside!"
"Lay off on the fed, Demon Brat, this ain't prison!"
GP
"How was the coffee run with Jones? Did you behave with him like I asked you to?"
"Oh, that's what you were trying to say! I thought you said 'behead him' – you are so lucky I didn't listen to you!"
Jones took the rest of the week off.
GP
Dick's foot slipped. He ended up dangling outside a window.
"I deserve this! This is all because I forgot to feed my turtle, Sheldon, in sixth grade! He went to heaven, and now my life is bad!"
"Fucking Drama Queen..." Jason muttered, shaking his head.
"Are you happy, Sheldon?! We're even now!"
"Bryce!" yelled Jason.
Dick gasped.
"SHELDON?!"
GP
A sleep deprived Tim grabbed Peter by the elbow. His eyes were half closed and unfocused.
"Is it mean to lie to a cop? The guy just materialized in front of me and asked me where I was between 5 and 6 and I panicked."
"What did you tell him?"
"Kindergarten."
GP
Day 3:
"How many grandkids do you have?" asked Jones, having lost count of the Caffreys that seemed to be multiplying every day.
Grandpa Caffrey scratched his chin with the cane.
"No idea. But there's always more every Monday."
Diana leaned over her desk towards Caffrey Senior.
"Who's your favorite grandkid?" she asked, grinning as she watched Neal straighten in his seat.
Screams suddenly sounded from the hallway. Grandpa Caffrey didn't bother to turn towards it.
"Not that one."
GP
Damian smuggled Titus onto the White Collar floor.
The lion sized dog got excited when he saw Alfred on the other side of the room.
Agents: are bowling pins.
Titus: is a bowling ball.
STRIKE!
GP
Accidental Day 4:
An unlucky agent screams when he opens a cupboard for old case files and discovers a passed out Tim.
Jason stuffed him in there when he started drooling on his desk. Dick promised to take him when they were leaving and forgot.
GP
My birthday is actually this Monday.
So if you feel like singing praises, I would love to hear what you liked most.
Frostbite out