Boilerplate Disclaimer: The various characters from Kim Possible are all owned by Disney the great and powerful. Any and all registered trade names property of their respective owners. Cheap shots at celebrities constitute fair usage.
That All Men Are Created Equal
"When did life get to be so crazy?" Shego wondered as she stared out at the waters of the Aegean. It was an interesting question for which she had no answer. Probably the comet, or meteorite, or whatever the Hell it was, that fell from the sky and left her and her brothers a band of freaks.
"Too far back." Signing up with Drakken? What the Hell had she been thinking? Quitting Drakken in hopes she could straighten out her life? Her lips tightened, "Screwed myself. Prison back in the good ol' U S of A..." But that was where her family was. That was where the few people she called friends were...
"And what the Hell is going on with Kimmie?" Kim, in Shego's opinion, was a lousy liar. Not that meaning she was a liar and, therefore, a lousy human being who could not be trusted. Rather Shego saw Kim as someone who couldn't tell a decent lie. She was lousy at lying. That was scary on several levels. It meant, crazy as it sounded, that Princess actually wanted a relationship with her.
But perhaps the scariest level of Kim being a lousy liar was it meant Kim told the truth when she claimed her pet genius could track Shego regardless of what the green woman did or where she went. Nerdlinger was good, but the Feds didn't lack their own geniuses. If Kim could find out where she was, then the Feds could find out where she was. But they hadn't. Why not?
Maybe they didn't realize the level of threat she... Maybe she should get in touch with Tutt and see just how many charges really were waiting her in the United States. Kim, Ron, and boy genius... And the mole rat. Mustn't forget the mole rat. Half the time he'd done more to stop Drakken than Stoppable. In any event, Team Possible had stopped a lot of Drakken's plans before the authorities had even become aware of them. Annoying as Hell at the time. Maybe a blessing now that Shego was hoping to avoid a maximum sentence.
"Not going to figure it out today," she decided and grabbed a legal pad and a couple pencils. Time for the American author to stroll around the village or countryside and gather ideas for her next novel.
The locals were a source of amusement, at least some of them were. The American refused to reveal the name under which she wrote, or even the publisher – which must mean she was famous. Perhaps, if they were somewhat eccentric in their dealings with her, she would put them into her next book. Perhaps the book would be picked up by a movie studio and they would film it here on their island...
Shego wondered vaguely what the name of the island was. The ferry which had brought her here was scheduled for a number of stops and, quite literally, the names of the destinations were all Greek to her. She had gone ashore because the beach had been lovely and the village quaint. A tiropita and small cup of thick, sweet coffee served as breakfast. The owner of the bakery smiled and waved as she prepared to leave and, as he did each morning, patted his ample stomach and called, "A baker should enjoy his own cooking!"
If she were writing a novel, which she was not, the baker would have been in it. Perhaps he would run the coffee shop where the heroines met. Lesbian romance novels. Shego didn't remember there being any when she was young. Or perhaps there were no bookstores that sold them near her. She certainly hadn't asked her parents... So how did Kim... There were women who... No way could Kim have tracked them down. Kim must have picked up Shego's taunts and pet names as flirting.
"Damn it! I was not flirting with her. I'm a thief, not a pervert," Shego reminded herself. Another mental voice added, "She's legal now." To which her conscience ordered, "Shut up!"
Shego headed inland. There was supposed to be a cave, or hewn grotto, that solitary monks once used for a hermitage. The four versions of the story she had been told agreed on the hermitage's existence. When it was used, by whom, and whether one resident had really worked miracles and been named a saint varied widely depending on the storyteller.
An hour and a half of casual searching produced no results. Shego found a rock which promised another view of the sea and sat down. She tried to remember if there would be a ferry today. She paid little attention to the schedule or the calendar, but it was roughly the time for the ferry to arrive, if one arrived – they didn't stop at the island every day. Twenty five minutes later she saw the boat and, feeling rested, returned to another hour of casual exploration of the hillside.
With a sense that lunch might be appropriate Shego headed down to the small town. The crooked streets kept her from being visible at a distance, but as she neared the small rented house an angry redhead ran towards her. Shego dropped her bag and stepped back, assuming a defensive posture.
"Why weren't you on the beach!" Kim demanded loudly.
"I don't always–"
"You need to get out of here – and we missed the–"
"Get out? The police are coming?"
"No! And why aren't you talking with your lawyer?"
"I was afraid that–"
"How is he supposed to help you if he can't contact you?" the angry redhead shot back.
"Tutt? Help me? What are you talking about?"
"See! That's exactly what I mean. You're clueless because you aren't–"
"And I'm going to hit you if you don't stop yelling and give me a clue."
Kim made a loud sigh of exasperation and tried to bring herself under control. "You gave me the name of your lawyer. I called him when I got back from Norway. He wouldn't tell me anything–"
"He's not supposed to."
"And you're supposed to keep in touch... Oh, he did say that if I were really in contact with you, and if you were his client, I should remind you to call. So something's up – he had a message for you and couldn't find you. He says it's important, like really important, like really, really important and–"
"What's the message?"
Kim reached into her travel wallet and extracted a letter. "Something about the American Embassy in Bulgaria tomorrow afternoon."
"He told you that?"
"The man is a bit desperate, his idiot client has dropped off the face of the known earth as far as he can tell."
While Kim was talking Shego had ripped open the envelope. The single sheet of folded paper contained a few more details. Not all the details Shego would have wanted but perhaps it would not have been a good idea to put them down on paper. Shego growled softly in frustration.
"I was going to jump off the ferry, grab you on the beach, and we'd jump back on... But the ferry was only here for about twenty minutes! Is there another one?"
"No. Not even daily service."
"But you need to–"
"Shut up! I know. Bulgaria."
"What are–"
"I said, 'shut up'. I'm thinking... Know a couple guys with boats that might take me to the mainland, just–"
"Take us."
"Take me."
"Take us. A woman who doesn't let her lawyer know how to contact her is non compos mentis. And what is this about?"
"I'm not sure, but I trust Tutt. You I'm not so sure about."
Kim arched one eyebrow and tilted her head. "Does anyone else care enough about you to drop everything and come to help you?"
"Fine, you're my white knight. Let's–"
"–move,' Kim finished.
Shego told Kim to pack everything she could grab while Shego made arrangements. The redhead had a vague fear Shego would leave without her. "Give me a kiss and promise to wait until I get to–"
Shego gave her a fast kiss. "Hurry. I'm not even positive I can find a boat." She handed off the key with directions and a description.
Kim filled a duffle with what looked most important, in her opinion, and what would fit. Twelve minutes later she hurried towards the dock. "She won't leave without me. And even if she'd consider it she can't find a boat this fast... Unless she already has one there."
Shego and a shabbily dressed man stood arguing on the dock. "Got my purse, Princess?"
"Yeah."
"Gimme." Shego handed a fistful of bills to the man.
Kim' heart sank. The man looked like a bum. Was he going to row them to the mainland?
"Come on," Shego growled and the went onto something that was definitely not a rowboat.
Kim estimated the length at about ten meters. The sleek pleasure craft was very new and probably cost more than the annual salaries for a Middleton brain surgeon and rocket scientist put together.
The man cast off and shouted something to them in Greek. They took it to mean find a seat and they did.
"Does he own this?" Kim whispered as they headed onto the sea.
"Maybe. A couple rich families have island homes. I don't know if he's an owner and is just relaxing or if he's the caretaker. Does it matter?"
"Uh, guess not."
"And we'll get to the mainland a hell of a lot faster than if we'd been on the ferry."
"Charter a plane?"
"No. I'm allergic to planes. European trains are way better than American – assuming we can find a train schedule we can– How's your Greek?"
"I can name every frat and sorority house on campus."
"You're a lot of help."
"Says the woman who needed me to bring her the letter from her lawyer."
"Point to the Princess."
"Shego?"
"Yes?"
"Does this count as our first fight?"
"I think we had our first fight something like five years ago."
"That doesn't count. First fight as a couple."
"We're not a couple."
"Sure we are. You didn't disagree when I said it on Malta."
"And they tossed you in jail for saying it in Norway."
"We kissed in Paris... Oh, and held hands."
"Complete strangers hold hands in Paris. It's French law or something. And I ran like a yellow dog in Mexico."
The boat sped them to Neapolis Voion, the same small town that the ferry would return to – but not for hours. Shego felt a moment of relief, until she realized that getting out of Neapolis Voion would be an even greater pain than out of Tananger– which had access to a larger metropolitan area. The two women frantically searched through timetables to find a bus route.
"Athens. If we get to Athens there will be a flight to Sofia," urged Kim. "You can't really be allergic to flying."
"I don't know how good my passports are," countered Shego. "And I don't want to get busted by some security agent who knows his shit. Rail is safer – if we can get anywhere to make connections." The schedule claimed a bus leaving in twenty-seven minutes would take them to a larger city where, if things were running on time, they could grab a bus to Athens without too much delay. The distance between the bus terminal and Athens train terminal was unknown, but if it was too far to sprint they'd find a taxi. "And Europe, unlike America, has trains running all the time," Shego assured Kim.
"I knew that."
"But you said find a plane."
"It would have been faster."
"You want to look at the airline schedules and see if you can find a last minute flight that guarantees lax security?"
Safely on the first bus for the start of their journey, Kim ordered Shego, "Put your arm around me."
"What."
"You heard me. I need a nap. Jet lag. And we'll probably have to do some trading off on one of us staying awake to make sure we don't sleep through a transfer. We need to get to Bulgaria. Now, put your arm around me."
Shego shrugged in resignation, but followed orders. Kim snuggled close and immediately fell asleep. "Kid is crazy," Shego thought. "Why did she... She'd have just called the cops or something if she wanted me arrested. She must really want me safe." Shego smiled and bent her head to gently kiss the top of Kim's head. "Wonder what shampoo she uses?" Kim smelled nice, very nice. Shego leaned her head to rest on Kim's. "Don't fall asleep," she warned herself as she enjoyed Kim's presence. Of course, even if Kim were on the level it didn't mean she was safe. She trusted her lawyer. She didn't trust the Feds. They must know that Tutt is her lawyer. They could have lied to him. This might be some elaborate hoax to lure her in for an arrest. Shego had heard about scams like that. The police telling someone they'd won game tickets or meals or something and getting them come in a claim their 'prize' only to be arrested.
There was slightly more than an hour between the bus that brought them from Neapolis to a larger town and the bus that would take them to Athens. Kim yawned as a she stumbled off the bus.
"You're still wiped. You can use me for a pillow while we're here."
"Thanks."
"I'm a sweetheart."
"Let me see the tickets."
"Around an hour," Shego reminded Kim as she handed them over for inspection.
Kim shoved the tickets into the back pocket of her jeans. "Not that I think you'd abandon me in a bus terminal while I'm asleep. But if you're going to desert me I want to make sure you get into my jeans first."
"Geez, Princess, could you try to not embarrass me in public?"
"I wasn't trying to embarrass you."
"You weren't?"
"I was trying to give you ideas... Maybe we should wait until we're both awake."
"That sounds like a good idea. Now close your eyes and go to sleep." Shego raised her arm to let Kim snuggle up beside her. Shego looked down at the sleeping redhead. "Would be way too easy to let her get under my skin... Way too dangerous for both of us."
Kim slept most of the bus ride to Athens as well, but awoke saying she felt rested and would stand watch when Shego needed to sleep as they rode trains during the night.
"Fuck, that was too easy," Shego complained as they made it from the bus terminal to the tracks for their train to Thessaloniki.
"You're complaining about lack of problems? You are a serious pessimist."
"One rule I've learned in life, Princess. Something always goes wrong. It used to be you–"
"I was wrong?"
"I'm talking about you being the biggest fly in Drakken's ointment. You were total pain."
"And your current opinion of me?"
"You're fishin' for compliments, Princess," Shego told Kim, and gave her a fast kiss. "My point is that something is going to go wrong. Bet money on it. We got from the island to the Athens train station easier than I thought possible. Train is going to jump the tracks or Jesse James will hold up the train before we can get to Sofia."
"Pretty sure we don't have to worry about Jesse James."
"Don't count him out, Princess. The point is that some screw-up will happen. If it hasn't happened yet, it's going to happen."
"We're going to be fine."
"I'm a serious pessimist? You're a hopeless optimist!"
"We're obviously totally incompatible," Kim sighed.
"I've been trying to tell you that. You don't listen."
"So you don't like it when I put my arms around you?" Kim asked, putting her arms around Shego. "Or when I kiss you?"
Two minutes later, at the end of the kiss, Shego insisted. "Okay, I like kissing you. It doesn't change the fact something is going to go horribly, horribly wrong."
The train from Athens stopped in Thessaloniki. Twenty minutes before the train to Polvdiv. Twenty minutes of hell as they struggled to find the train for the next leg of their journey. Well, fifteen minutes of hell before a nice woman with good English explained that the train from Athens was the train continuing on to Polvdiv after a twenty minute stop in Thessaloniki to take on additional passengers and change numbers. Fifteen minutes of hell followed by five minutes of feeling foolish.
"We will never speak of this again," vowed Shego.
"And we can blame it on the schedule being in Greek."
"And we're both tired."
"Poor baby," Kim cooed. "Use me for a pillow once we get moving. Maybe you can count this as something going wrong."
Shego yawned. "Not wrong enough. We'll get hit with a bigger problem."
Kim was on point as they crossed from Greece to Bulgaria. She gently shook Shego as she heard passengers at the back of the car being questioned, "Wake up. Passport check."
Shego yawned and got out her purse, "Call me Sheila."
"Sheila?"
"Passport I'm using. Sheila Gillespie."
Kim kissed Shego. The kiss continued.
A bored conductor coughed to get their attention. "Моля те паспорт?"
At least the meaning was clear. Shego broke the kiss to hand the two passports to the conductor, who passed them to an equally bored security guard, who glanced briefly at them and stamped them before returning them directly to Kim and Shego.
Kim resumed kissing Shego as the two men shuffled forward to check the papers of other passengers.
"We can stop now," Shego whispered, "they're out of the car. I don't think the kissing was necessary to fool them. We're not in Paris."
"Who said I was kissing you to fool them?" answered Kim. "I happen to enjoy it." She gave Shego a long kiss. "Now go back to sleep. Dream of me."
"Bossy little thing," yawned Shego as she snuggled up against Kim and resumed watching the back of her eyelids.
As the train pulled into the Poldiv station Kim awakened Shego, "Let's find the tracks our next train leaves from before we get something to eat."
"Sounds good," Shego replied, stretching. "Polvdiv... Amazing city. Beautiful city. Shame we don't have time to really see the place. Cultural capital of–"
"Are you just making that stuff up?" Kim demanded.
"Of course not. You don't believe me?"
"I remember you not knowing anything about Malta."
"Which you Googled™ before you came, right?"
"Well, yeah," admitted Kim.
"So I checked out Polvdiv while you were taking a nap before Athens."
"Maybe we can come back for our honeymoon."
"Maybe we should find out if we can tolerate each other first."
"Of course we can. We've known each other for years."
Shego rolled her eyes, "And for most of that time we were throwing punches at each other."
Theoretically not everyone in the Polvdiv train station wanted to go to Sofia, but it seemed that way to Kim and Shego. Two American backpackers were apparently doing their own version of the classic grand tour that once served as a coming-of-age ritual for children of the European privileged. The Americans' version seemed to be more of a 'bumming around Europe instead of getting a real job', but the duo was more than happy to join the women in the queue for the Sofia train.
"Damn it, even the weather is beautiful," Shego whined as she gazed out the window.
Chuck raised an eyebrow and looked at Kim.
"She's waiting for something bad to happen," the redhead explained.
"Not just bad," Shego corrected. "Hideously, terribly, gut-wrenchingly awful."
"Is she always this much fun?"
"I'm a realist," Shego insisted. "The more important it is to be somewhere on time the greater the odds of something ruining your day... Hell, if what you're going to is really important it could mess up the rest of your life."
"A disciple of Murphy" Bruce commented to Chuck.
"Obviously," his friend agreed. He asked Shego, "Would an apocalypse help you feel better?"
Shego tried to smile, "Probably. Bad luck is a habit with me. Waiting for the other shoe to drop."
Kim took Shego's arm, "Well, I have nothing but good luck. You're safe."
"Red here may be all the bad luck I need," Shego told the backpackers, and gave Kim a kiss.
As they got off the train in Sofia Chuck asked, "Staying in Sofia long?"
"No idea," Kim said. "Probably not, but can't be sure."
"If you wind up being around awhile you can find us at the Hostel Mostel. Not a great place–"
"–but it's cheap," Bruce finished.
Not knowing if the taxi driver could speak English, and certain she was incapable of pronouncing the name of street correctly Shego showed him the letter with the address of the embassy. As the rode to 16 Kozyak Street Shego warned Kim,"You'd better not even think of going in with me."
"Of course I'm going in with you. I brought you the letter! I deserve–"
"You are not going in with me," Shego told her firmly. "This could be a setup to arrest me. Tutt is a cagey old bird, but he's old. The Feds may have tricked him or something. You're not getting arrested as an accomplice."
"I've not accomplished anything with you, yet."
"Well I doubt they'd let us share a jail cell. You are not going in with me."
"But–"
"You want to call your mom and tell her you're in jail."
"Let me see the letter again," demanded Kim. It said remarkably little. American embassy in Sofia, at 1:00 p.m. Shego was to enter and ask to see Nils Cipher. "That has to be an alias," Kim muttered.
"Well, duh," Shego responded. "And you're not going in with me. I think we're a little early. There's probably a coffee shop or something by the embassy. You kill time while I see what this is about."
At 12:17 the taxi pulled to the curb and they got out.
"Whoa, that's one huge park across the street," Kim. "There's got to be some sort of concessions. Let's grab a bite and I'll find a place to sit for an hour or two."
A little way into Sofia's South Park they found a pond with ducks. From a vendor they each ordered a printsesa and tea and shared a bench while they munched the open-faced sandwiches.
"I'll probably sack out here," Kim told Shego with a yawn. "System's still out of whack."
"You should have made an advance reservation. Maybe you could have ordered a padded bench with a pillow."
"I'll think of that next time I do you a favor. Oh, wake me with a kiss when you come back, promise?"
"If there's any good news I'll give you two."
Kim leaned over and gave Shego a quick kiss, "Knock 'em dead... Second thought, bad idea."
"Yeah," agreed Shego and rose to head for the embassy, "knocking anyone dead will get me arrested for sure."
Kim awoke at four in the afternoon. The bench had not been designed for sleeping and she felt stiff. And felt worried after a glance at her watch. "Shego's meeting must be taking awhile." She ordered a slice of pizza and sat down to wait a little longer. She thought it was a slice of pizza, but wasn't sure after biting in. The cheese was not mozzarella and the sausage was not Italian. "Well, it's good anyway."
Impatience got the better of her at 5:30 and Kim went to the embassy. "Uh, hello..."
"Hello, may I help you?"
"Yes. I'm an American citizen. A friend of mine had an appointment here this afternoon... One. It was at one. She was scheduled to meet with a Nils Cipher."
The receptionist frowned, "We don't have anyone on the embassy staff by that name."
"It could have been an alias or something. He might have been security."
"We don't have anyone on the security staff by that name. And no need for aliases. I have no idea who gave your friend that–"
"Were you working here at one? Tall woman, long dark hair, really, really pale complexion?"
"I came on duty at five. What is your friend's name? I can check to see who signed in this afternoon and who they met with on the staff."
Kim hesitated a second, wanting to make sure she remembered the name Shego had used at the border checkpoint. "Sheila. Sheila Gillespie."
The woman flipped back two pages in the log and slowly scanned down the people admitted and the time of sign-in. "One?"
"That was the time of the appointment. She might have been a little early."
The woman checked again. "No Sheila Gillespie."
"She had to be here! Maybe she used a different name to sign in or something."
"Why would she do that."
"She's, uh, got privacy issues. Can I see the book"
"I'm not supposed to show you the log," the woman told her, but seeing Kim's obvious distress she looked around and, seeing no one, turned the book so Kim could read it. The page had sign-ins from 12:52 until 1:37. There were no erasures. Every line was filled with a sign-in and sign-out time. No 'reason for visit' mentioned a Nils Cipher. No name on the list struck Kim as a name Shego would have used. Kim frantically turned back to the previous page and found nothing there either.
Kim pushed the book back and stammered, "Thanks." She stumbled out of embassy wondering what had happened with Shego and if she had been used as a tool in the older woman's arrest.