Getting this chapter into the Doc Manager was quite a hassle. It wasn't particularly difficult to write, but on the day I finished it, the site went down, and I had to wait patiently. And as Tom Petty reminds us all, waiting is hard. So consider this a special chapter, although it's just like any other chapter really.
The title of this chapter comes from the Rick Riordan novel of the same name. I hope you guys will let me know what you think.
I found myself in an ominous-looking tunnel. Granted, almost any tunnel can be described that way if you're claustrophobic, but this one was especially ominous.
The walls and floor were made up of forest green stone, the walls lit only by emerald flames that looked frail and fragile, as though they might die out at any moment and plunge the place into darkness. The floor was slippery, almost like an ice skating rink.
Even if this isn't an SAT, they're sure doing their best to make this feel like it!, I thought, an epiphany that almost made me laugh. Almost.
The tunnel went on and on, deeper and deeper underground. This in itself didn't make sense, because Professor Oak's office had been above ground, in the middle of Enil Edam. It hadn't been part of a subway station.
Then again, the door appeared via magic. I guess it doesn't have to play by the same rules, just like Lauren bypasses them.
And, believe it or not, after about an eighth of a mile down the slippery slope, I found a familiar lady with the same chocolate-colored hair and perfect teeth that I'd seen earlier at the bank. "Hi there!" she exclaimed, sounding blissfully unaware that she was in a dank dungeon.
"Speak of the devil" I muttered, which perhaps wasn't the most polite thing to say to a woman who'd done nothing but help me less than an hour ago.
Lauren didn't exactly look offended, but she didn't look happy either. She pursed her lips and then asked, "Why do you say that, Victor Chelan?"
"Uh, no reason" I replied sheepishly. "Was just thinking about you, and then you showed up. It's a common expression they use on Earth; I'm still getting used to the whole afterlife thing."
"Noted," Lauren said, her usual sunny demeanor instantly returning. "In any case, I was sent here to guide you to the testing room. It's just down a few of these tunnels, and then you'll be in Cubicle A4 for your written test."
A4. I took note of that alphanumeric combination just in case I needed to remember it in a hurry. Stranger things had happened.
Lauren led me down a series of tunnels and into a much more expansive chamber. Here, the walls were light gray rather than dark green, they were illuminated by fluorescent light bulbs, and there were even murals on the walls.
Make no mistake, though; I still felt uneasy here. I was acutely aware of the thousands of tons of stone that was no doubt above me. Fortunately, there didn't seem to be any reason to question the tunnel's structural integrity.
"That mural on the wall", Lauren said as she winked at me and pointed to the wall, "is known as Evolution by Natural Progression. Forget what you may have learned at school about...ah, what was it?"
"Evolution by natural selection?"
"Yes, that's it. Anyway, you can leave your theory of evolution at the door, because it doesn't exist in this world, at least not in the way you're used to. Take a closer look at the wall; this is the real deal."
I did as I was told. The mural, which looked very old and slightly faded with age, depicted the profile of a Pichu facing rightward, followed by a giant red arrow pointing to a Pikachu. The Pikachu was in turn facing a Raichu, and there was an arrow between those two Pokemon as well.
"That's pretty nice" I replied, partly because I truly believed it and partly because I didn't want to offend Lauren.
"Indeed it is. Anyway, the testing room is right at the end of this hallway. There are only two rules: No looking at anyone else's forms, and no answering incorrectly."
I frowned. "I thought there were no wrong answers. Isn't it more of a survey than an actual test?"
"Results are still confidential, Victor Chelan. How would you feel if there was another test-taker looking over your shoulder, snooping into your private life?"
That argument was persuasive on the surface, but since I'd be living on Paradise Island forever, it would only be a matter of time before my whole world knew what Pokemon species I had become. Still, if I wrote something personal on my form, I wouldn't want others to know, so she did have a point.
"Fair enough" I said flatly to Lauren, before turning around and heading through the door to the testing room.
The testing room itself looked more or less like your standard set of office cubicles, other than the ceiling being higher than usual and made of stone. There were even windows on the walls, but they were blocked off by curtains; it was anyone's guess what lay beyond them.
I located Cubicle A4 after a bit of searching and sat down at the desk. On the desk were several sheets of paper with printed text on them, further evoking memories of standardized testing from my teen years.
Okay...this one here is the list of questions, and then the other two are for writing my answers. A bit confusing, but whatever.
In addition to the test materials, there was a graphite Number 2 pencil waiting for me at the desk. It was exactly the type of pencil we'd had to use for the SAT.
After I picked up the pencil, I began taking deep breaths to calm myself down. Yes, this test had a lot riding on it, but there were no wrong answers, only dishonest ones. And if I ended up as a Magby for all of eternity, that wouldn't mean I'd done anything wrong. It just meant I'd gotten unlucky.
I turned my attention to the first question, which is listed below.
How have you enjoyed your afterlife on Paradise Island thus far? A - Greatly; B - Decently; C - Not well; D - Not at all.
I failed to see how this question was at all relevant to the matter at hand, but I knew better than to question the powers that were in this wacky new world. Reaching inside myself for the truth, I tried to gauge how I actually felt about my time here.
As anyone who's been paying attention will know, I had mixed feelings about the island. While it was certainly a beautiful location to spend an afterlife, the fact that I was with people I didn't know in my first life really brought my spirit down.
Of course, the problem wasn't really that I was with strangers; rather, that I didn't have anyone familiar with me. My eyes started clouding up with tears, much like they had when I'd first woken up that morning.
No answering incorrectly. Although Lauren was no longer with me, her words had lodged themselves in my brain, making my head feel like a vibrating gong. I had to answer as honestly as I possibly could.
I ended up selecting option B. While there were many things about my afterlife that I would have changed given the chance, I was having good times here. The food was absolutely stellar; I could still practically taste the succulent steak from last night. And, as tiring as that job had been, I'd had fun picking mangoes with Zapo the Zoroark.
The next question: To what degree are you romantically attracted to your soulmate? A - Let's get married already; B - Let's date for a bit first; C - Maybe we can just be roommates; D - Get us to divorce court now!
I snorted at the options listed, but it didn't take long for me to realize that this truly was no laughing matter. It was a very important question, and yet…
"Bit of a personal question, isn't it?" I asked aloud. I thought I'd been quiet enough to avoid disturbing anyone, but, with what sounded like the snap of fingers, Lauren appeared behind me.
"No talking in the testing room, Victor Chelan" the perfect-looking (not to be confused with attractive) lady scolded me. "If you speak aloud two more times, you will be ejected from this room."
To prove a point, Lauren began singing a parody of "Take Me Out To the Ball Game" that ended on the lines, "For it's one, two, three strikes you're out/Of the testing room!"
I thought the following, but didn't say it: How ironic that Lauren's making more noise than the one she's trying to stop! Also, the song sucks.
Anyway, once she was finished with her song, Lauren snapped her fingers and vanished. I turned my attention back to the test, which still had its second question blank.
Personally, I figured that C was the best answer here. Amanda had been kind to me, there was no doubt about that. The cake last night had been delicious, and, come to think of it, there'd be plenty of it left in the fridge later. At the same time, I couldn't see myself spending eternity in a romantic relationship with her; I didn't think we were meant to be.
I don't want to offend her, though, by picking Option C.
You're not going to offend her. She'll never know what answer you selected!
That might have been true, but part of me wondered if, by expressing an opinion of "no confidence" in our relationship, this would turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. I didn't want to admit that we weren't a good couple, because that might only make me feel miserable.
I remembered something else Professor Oak had once told me: Once you have been assigned a soulmate, the process of getting a new one is very long and complicated, and you don't want to have to go through it.
That really adds some pressure, doesn't it?
After a lot more hesitation, and some temptation to pray to Arceus (which I didn't act on), I marked the bubble with a C in it.
The questions went on and on, many of them restating questions that had already been asked of me. I grew increasingly restless, occasionally rocking back and forth in the chair (even though it hadn't been built for that), because I just couldn't sit still.
For the most part, the rest of the questions didn't stump me too much. It was just that there were so many of them, and I had a hard time sitting still when I knew how critical my specific answers were.
Finally, I had finished the survey, being careful to mark my answers on the answer sheet rather than on the sheet containing the actual questions. I then tried to figure out how to summon Lauren so that I could hand in my test.
Will this ever stop reminding me of school?
The desk didn't have a computer or drawers for files. The only thing it contained, besides my testing materials, was a small red button with text that was nearly unintelligible, it was so small. Despite my 20/20 eyesight, I still had to squint in order to make the words out.
LAUREN CALL BUTTON.
That's the jackpot. I tapped the button lightly.
Lauren materialized behind me. "Hi there," she said, smiling. "Is there anything you need help with?"
In response, I simply handed her the sheets of paper I had filled out, as well as the Number 2 pencil. "Are you done?" Lauren asked me, to which I nodded.
"Very well. You will come with me to the machine used to process your answers, and then to the room where it happens."
I narrowed my eyes. "The room where what happens, exactly?"
The skinny lady beamed at me. "Why, the room where the practical exam takes place! Don't be afraid, Victor Chelan, there are plenty of precautions in order to ensure your safety."
Uh, that's not what I'm afraid of.
I stood up and followed Lauren back through the set of cubicles, where a couple other people were still taking their tests. For obvious reasons, I didn't say anything to them.
She led me into a separate hallway with several rooms on the left wall. Lauren entered the third such room, and I followed her.
This room contained a large machine that looked somewhat like a printer. I assumed this was similar to the machine used to read SAT tests, the type I'd never seen in high school. This machine, however, was overshadowed by a radio that was playing "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-Lot.
In between the rather racy lyrics of said song, I asked Lauren, "Is the radio malfunctioning or something?"
Lauren shrugged as she placed my test papers in the machine. "As far as I know, it isn't. This is the room where one-hit wonders of the 1990s are played; I'm pretty sure 'Flagpole Sitta' by Harvey Danger is next."
Uh...why?
I didn't question it aloud, though; I was worried about the ramifications of doing so. Instead, I simply followed Lauren back into the hallway and to an elevator.
"The arena is on Sublevel 28. You'll find a locker room where you can change into better workout clothes if so desired, but this is optional, not mandatory."
"Wait a minute...workout? Lauren, what am I going to be doing here?"
"I am sorry, but I cannot answer that question" the lady replied, sounding as though she wasn't sorry at all. "Doing so would defeat the purpose of the test, which is designed to test your reactions to unpredictable events."
With a thousand pounds of trepidation and no disguise whatsoever, I entered the elevator. Unlike the hallway and testing cubicles, which had seemed modern enough, this elevator was more like what one would find in a mine shaft. The floor creaked as I stepped onto it, generally not a good sign.
Trying not to freak out, I tapped the button for Sublevel 28, and, with a fair amount of sputtering, the elevator began to descend ever so slowly.
And I mean slowly. The ride felt interminable; by my count, it took nearly ten minutes to travel from the level I started at (Sublevel 3) to the one containing the arena. With every floor I descended, I became more and more anxious about the prospect of the whole place collapsing on top of me.
Finally, the elevator ground to a halt at the right sublevel. The doors opened, and I found myself in what looked like the locker room at the local YMCA. If not for the Pokeballs in some of the lockers (which had stupidly been left open), I could have convinced myself that I was back on Earth, back in my hometown.
I didn't have any other clothes to change into, so I hoped that my clothes would be suitable for a workout. This, however, didn't seem very likely, considering that I was wearing a golf shirt, and most people don't run while playing golf.
After a quick drink from the water fountain, I was able to locate the entrance to the arena. Once I'd stepped through, I was immediately in awe at the place.
It was almost too spacious to believe. It looked as though it would take at least a minute for me to sprint from one end to the other. The floor and walls were made of stone, with pillars rising up along the walls that held up the ceiling, some two hundred feet above me.
In addition, there was a Pokeball design painted in the center of the arena. Somehow, it was this small detail, more than any other, that made me realize that shit was about to go down.
"Good morning, Victor Chelan!" a disembodied voice announced from far above me. A chill ran down my spinal cord as I recalled the last time I'd heard such a voice: The nightmare at the edge of the Pit of Panda.
When I didn't say anything in response, instead quietly kicking up dust from the floor, the voice continued his speech. It sounded like it might have been Professor Oak's, but somehow I doubted it was his actual consciousness, unless he could be in two places at once the way Lauren could.
"Every subject of this experiment must endure a trial, and you have come to the Pit of 100 Trials of Enil Edam to take part in your particular task. Of course, you aren't actually in Enil Edam right now; this entire building exists apart from Paradise Island's capital city."
Well, that confirms what I already knew, to some extent. I didn't take much time to ponder this, because I didn't want to miss hearing what the voice announced next.
"You will be assigned a trial out of the one hundred possibilities, which has been selected based on your written results. It is through this trial that you will learn how adapted you are to the form of Growlithe."
It was then that I felt myself begin to levitate. At first my feet were only inches above the ground, so I barely noticed it. However, as though raised by an invisible hand, I floated higher and higher above the floor.
"Get me down, please!" I yelped. I wasn't exactly the biggest fan of heights, and now I was thirty feet up. No, make that fifty.
"You are already dead, Victor Chelan. You should have nothing to fear but fear itself!"
While the words were reassuring, they weren't delivered in a way that sounded as such. I was getting closer and closer to the ceiling, terrified of what would happen when I was dropped. What goes up, must come down.
As I neared the top of the room, I saw a large circular window with the stained-glass image of a Pokemon on it. Looking closer, I thought it was a Growlithe, but I was too terrified to tell for sure.
"BURN!" the voice exclaimed angrily, which only made me angry in turn. To my knowledge, I hadn't done anything wrong, and being accused of something you didn't do is one of the most rage-inducing things that can happen in any world.
I expected to be engulfed in flames, since that's the generally accepted definition of "burn", but that didn't happen. Instead, as I hovered nearly two hundred feet above the arena's floor, I felt a certain degree of warmth coming from within my heart. It was a pleasant sensation that almost distracted me from my fear of heights.
I was reminded of cold winter nights by the fireplace, playing games of Monopoly and drinking hot chocolate with my family as snow fell outside, blanketing the ground in white.
I was reminded of sitting next to the furnace and reading a favorite book. It was a real page-turner, and it made me want to read more books once I got back to the house on Palm Drive.
The sensation of warmth wasn't unpleasant in the least; it was rather like settling into a hot bath. I nearly fell asleep right then and there, such was my state of relaxed bliss.
And then, with what sounded like a cannon blast, I began to fall.
Screaming bloody murder, I plummeted towards the ground. Even though I fell for less than a second, I somehow had enough time to remember what Lauren had said about safety precautions.
Whoops.
Just before I hit the ground, I bounced upward as though on a very powerful trampoline. There was such an intense flash of fiery orange light that I had to close my eyes.
When I opened them again, the room had completely changed.
I found myself in what appeared to be a hallway made up of cardboard, except that if this was indeed cardboard, it was a hell of a lot sturdier than would normally be expected.
In addition, I had...four legs? Wait, since when had I crawled on all fours, except when I'd been very small and unable to walk?
There was a slight prickling sensation all over my body, as though thousands of tiny needles were stabbing me. It was annoying, but also barely noticeable, since being a quadruped was far more jarring.
And then my train of thought arrived at its station. I understood what was happening, both based on what the disembodied voice had told me and the stained-glass window. Once I'd put those two puzzle pieces together, it seemed totally obvious.
I've become a Growlithe!
Almost immediately after that realization came, I felt a tugging sensation around my waist. Nothing was there, but it felt almost as though I were tethered to something thirty feet below me, and "knew" immediately that I wanted to pursue it.
First things first; in spite of the shock at my new form, I had to figure out how the room's layout had changed. Walking about five feet to the right, I saw that the paths branched out at one point; this seemed to be a cardboard maze of sorts.
By the way, I cannot overemphasize how difficult it is to walk on four legs if you're used to only having two. It feels rather like how I imagine being drunk would; your legs won't move in the directions you want them to, at least not all of the time, and your balance isn't what it usually is.
As soon as I took another step, I was paralyzed by fear at the word that was bellowed from on high. It was spoken with such authority that it may as well have been a commandment from Arceus Himself.
"BURN!"
I'd heard that same word not two minutes before; everything was happening very quickly. I braced myself for the pain that would no doubt come, since being burned alive is generally considered one of the more excruciating ways to die.
I'm not going to die here. Lauren promised me that I'd be safe.
With a terrible sound, a small flame appeared on one of the cardboard boxes. It was already a cause for concern; my breathing and heart rate both quickened at the sight and, soon, the smell of the fire.
The fire began to spread, but due to my shock and two new legs, it was next to impossible for me to move away from it. If fear was an evolutionary instinct, it sure wasn't helping me at that moment.
Run! Run for your life! That's what the logical part of my brain was telling me to do.
As the flame grew and started spreading along the floor, I turned around and "ran" as quickly as I could in the direction of the invisible tether. There were several places with a fork in the road; I had to rely on my newfound instinct in order to decide which path to take.
I could feel the air getting hotter as a result of the fire. It was getting more and more uncomfortable to be moving quickly, and I knew that once the flames started consuming increasing amounts of the oxygen in the air, things would get truly terrifying.
It's not going to "get" terrifying. It already is terrifying.
This maze would have been quite confusing if not for the instinct that told me which path to take. I was reminded of that story from Greek mythology, the one involving the string used to navigate the Labyrinth, although in the heat of the moment, I couldn't for the life of me remember the name of the hero from that story.
By this time I was soaked in sweat and finding it harder to breathe. I could tell that I was getting closer to my goal, because...I just could. Sometimes you just "know" something without being able to present any evidence for it, and this was one of those times.
I took a right turn, in the direction of the invisible force, but was hit by a very unwelcome sight.
The path ahead of me was blocked by a ring of fire along the walls. I could have jumped through the ring, but the fire was expanding further from the walls. This in itself surprised me, because fire doesn't normally behave that way, does it?
This has to be an illusion somehow. There's no way that I'm actually in a burning multi-level maze; if they wanted me to survive the day, they wouldn't make this place real. And I don't think they want me to die again.
What happens if I die again, anyway? Do I respawn in Professor Oak's waiting room?
I still had ninety-nine questions, but what to do now wasn't one of them. Rather than take the most direct route through the infernal labyrinth, I went in the opposite direction and down a set of cardboard stairs. It would take some extra time to find the goal, but at least I wouldn't set myself on fire.
To my relief, my internal GPS seemed to re-route itself as I descended the stairs. Now I was one level below where I'd started, but I still had a path to the "treasure." It would just be a more circuitous one than I'd planned.
I could hear the flames licking the edges of the cardboard above me, though, and knew that I didn't have much time before the entire maze was on fire. Still moving a bit awkwardly as a Growlithe, I managed to find my way through four more turns; a right, then a left, then two more rights.
The entire time, my heart was pounding and my lungs were rattling like I was climbing a mountain. The treasure couldn't be far away, but I was quickly running out of energy, and the conflagration certainly wasn't helping.
Almost there, Victor. You're almost there. And once you get there, you won't have to enter a burning maze ever again!
Eventually, I found myself in a large room (relatively speaking) made of cardboard. There was a button in the middle of the room, a giant blue button mounted on a pedestal. Fire was all over the floor, though, making this somewhat of an obstacle course.
Everything within me was shouting that this button was my ticket out of the nightmarish illusion; all I had to do was reach it and press it. Then, somehow, I'd be free of this torture.
Getting to the button was an exercise in dexterity; one wrong step and I would wind up getting burned. I had to jump over several short walls of flame before reaching the center of the room.
The pedestal was six feet tall. While this wouldn't have presented a problem were I in my human form, I wasn't nearly that tall as a Pokemon. I understood then what I needed to do.
I would need to leap upwards and slam that button down. I would only get one chance at this, because if I made one wrong move, I'd more than likely end up falling into the fire.
Here goes nothing, I thought to myself, stretching my leg muscles and preparing to pounce.
I went for it.
I seemed to have miscalculated at first, but in this case, I had terrible luck and great luck at the same time. Even though I nearly sailed right past the button and into the sea of fire, I grabbed the pedestal at the last moment. Even now, I'm not sure how I had the presence of mind to do that.
Once I'd latched onto the pedestal, it was simply a matter of hoisting myself up (which, despite my lackluster upper body strength as a human, wasn't too difficult) and slamming that blue button home.
As soon as the button had been mashed into its hole, the room changed again. This time, it reverted back to its original state.
Before long, I realized that I'd turned back into a human as well. It seemed that the transformation had been temporary, only for the purpose of this trial. Why it had been necessary, of course, was anyone's guess.
The reversion to my previous form had occurred without any discomfort, and I opened my eyes to look back up at the ceiling. It was once more two hundred feet above me, with the stained glass window at the very top with the image of a Growlithe.
"Congratulations, Victor Chelan. You have completed the Burning Maze, and done so in record time. The results will be mailed to your address on Paradise Island. And just to clarify, is 1109 Palm Drive your proper address?"
I stood up, wiping the sweat off my brow. My legs trembling with relief, I mouthed, "Yes."
"Please answer audibly" the disembodied voice instructed me. "I may be able to speak with extreme intensity, but that does not mean I can hear with extreme intensity."
I dunno, he'd have to hear pretty well for my voice to be audible from all the way down here.
"Yes, that is the proper address" I announced, as confidently as I could. There was of course no reason not to be confident, for I, of all people, knew where I lived.
"Very well. That is all for now, Victor Chelan."
With the snap of fingers, a door materialized on the other side of the arena. The door itself was a fairly nondescript color, but there was a blue glow around it, giving off an aura of magic.
"This door will take you back to the surface. On behalf of the entire aptitude testing team, as well as the Heaven Renders, we would like to wish you all the best in your afterlife."
And then the room fell silent. I didn't need anyone to tell me to leave this place as soon as I could.
I sprinted over to the door and opened it. On the other side, there was nothing but the image of a starry sky, but unless I wanted to risk the creaky elevator, it was the only way back to Paradise Island.
With a deep breath, I walked through the door and saw the stars shimmer all around me. For a moment, I felt as though the stars themselves were mocking me for being so gullible.
And then, everything went black.
I hope you're all excited, because the next chapter is extremely long. And I mean LONG. There's also a special surprise, which will be revealed when that chapter is released a few days from now. (Although it's not a surprise if you know me on Discord.)
Speaking of which, my Discord DMs are always open at Lucas Whitefur#7822. I'll see you guys next time for the monster chapter!