Greetings, My name's Bear Grylls and I'm gonna show you what it takes to get out alive in some of the most dangerous places on earth. Recently, I just leaped off a helicopter without a parachute like a badass since that's what they taught me back at the academy. Trust me, it's practically a safe, proven and efficient move. I somehow landed in a lake somewhere in the Oregon wilderness. It's six in the morning and the water is fucking freezing. I can feel my ball-sack retract, vacuum sealing my testicles like a pack of grapes found in fruit aisles at the groceries.
If you stay long enough in the cold waters, you will increase the chances of having snowballs, which is basically frostbite on your gonads. Therefore, I must get my brit ass outta here. After swimming my way out of the chilling pond, I'm soaking wet. Walking around drenched is the last thing you'd ever want if you traverse the wilds. One way to warm yourself up is to build fire. Unfortunately, I forgot my lighter at the chopper. So, another option is to give yourself a pleasant jerk to heat up your body. Perfect timing since I wanted to let one out after scrolling google images of 90's Amanda Bynes back at the helicopter - which is risky; the pilot might get distracted, you know... looking at my 13 inch spotted dick like any sane person would.
I sprinted towards the woodlands ahead, and slowly I can hear the sounds of nature. The songs of birds and the rustling leaves fill me with glee and utmost pleasure. My cock drooled after hearing the first note. This natural music will certainly make my masturbation even more satisfying. My advice to you if you follow this route - which the most recommended amongst my survivalist peers, is to find a tree. That way you can rest your body against it. Not only that, you can also extract tree sap to be use for cock lubrication.
I'm currently jacking off now. The sap gave my jerk a moist and slimy feeling; similar to how fucking a human vagina would feel like. The gooey sounds of each cock yank is just what I needed. You know what? Why use your hands when you got a tree trunk behind you, full of flowing sap. Therefore, I stood up and inserted my throbbing cock inside the tree hole, banging the sexy tree with my British girth. Once my limit is nigh, I pulled out. It's essential not to waste your seed for it has plenty of uses in terms of survival. To store your semen, look for any plastic wastes you'd find scattered in the forest. Luckily, for me, I still have my used condom from last night after a kinky evening with my pet cat. I added my new warm cum in my already filled condom and proceeded to go deeper in the forest.
Aside from spiky greeneries, Plants aren't the only jungle residents you need to be wary of. This place is full of creatures all out to get your blood and cum. Like this leech I found on the ground. I kidnapped the fucker and placed it inside a container. I will use this little guy when I feel like I want to be sucked dry. They're the only creatures that I find sexy and are willing to give someone a good sucking. I refuse to acknowledge mosquitoes, fuck those bastards.
As I ventured inwards, I have a strange feeling of being followed. I wonder if it's just my imagination or I might actually have a stalker trailing my tight fit ass.
Ok...There is someone snooping around. I'm pretty sure of it. I heard it sneaking in some bushes while I ready my camp. Booby traps are already set in the premises. Its only a matter of time when one of them captures my stalker.
I was busy playing with my leech, not the animal... My cock... Mind you, when I heard one of my traps went off. I rushed to look who that sneaking bastard is. I was stricken with sheer astonishment after seeing what I just caught. It was small, hairy and orange. It looked pissed.
"Release me at once!" it demanded while trying to open the bear trap's jaw.
I inquired who this mythic creature is but it only spat on my face with It's carcass smelling spit. I punched him back out of revenge. "I said who are you?"
"I am the Lorax!" it replied, "I speak for the trees... Especially my tree wife who you just violated earlier!"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that tree was taken" I apologized
The Lorax shook his head and said "No... No, Apologies aren't enough to compensate for the immoral act you have committed"
The orange creature suddenly garner the strength and courage to tear his leg off from the trap's death grip; slowly dragging his amputated limb towards me while chanting satanic words.
"You're taking the electric chair!" He said, pointing at me like he's an enforcer. "To Alcatraz you go!"
The tree loving animal jumped at me but too bad for him, my cock is loose and is ready to be used as a baseball bat. Once the Lorax was close enough to me, I swatted him with my cock; sending him flying straight to a huge tree where he then died after suffering a concussion.
"Good riddance, stupid activist" I said, putting my cock back in my pants.
Afterwards, I chopped off his upper body and ate a good portion of it, leaving his lower half to be consumed for another day.
Later that day, I found a river. It was teeming with aquatic dwellers. This might be the great time to teach you how to fish.
It would be great if you use a fishing rod. Unfortunately, for me, I don't have one. I mean, I could make one using sticks and vines but I don't feel like it. Instead, I'll use another kind of rod which is already in my arsenal... Yes, my 13 inch cock. Using chunks of the Lorax's meat, I placed it in my penis hole as a lure. I waited for a catch but seven hours of waiting is a bit too much. My dick is starting to wrinkle and prune. It looked like my grandpa's ballsack. Why didn't the fishes took the bait? I examined my penile rod and found the answer. Penises are notorious for throbbing; every beat must have send unseen signals and ripples that scare away the fishes. That can only mean one thing; I might have to resort to spear fishing - yep! You guessed it, using my dick.
The first step in spear fishing is to climb on a tree or any elevated surface and wait for passing fishes. Once you see your target, aim your spear at it and jump. I did that and I managed to impale a catfish with my "spear".
The injured fish trashed around my cock, jerking me silly. It made me ejaculate; filling the fish's insides with my male caviar. That's okay though, it'll give the food flavor...not salty, sweet! I have diabetes.
Time to get cooking. My pal and ex-Lover Gordon Ramsey taught me how to prepare a good fishy meal. He said that marinating meat in cum batter will make your meal taste so fucking good. So I did that using my stored cum. I let the fish bathe in it for a while then let it bask under the sheer 12 pm heat.
While we wait for our meal to get cooked, which I estimated to be done somewhere around 4 hours, let's do something fun. Ever wanted to fuck the world? I do. I freaking love mother nature, she's like the best hoe and I'm in the mood for giving her a good fucking. Here's how you can do that. Plug your dick in any penetrable soil you can find. It's better if it recently rained, it'll give you that SQUISH sound each time you thrust. Too bad, it is the dry season.
"Ohh yeah that's it bitch! I'm gonna plant my seed in you now" I said as I make love with planet earth.
Suddenly I saw something walking ahead. It was big and hairy. I rushed toward that striding hunk. Holy shit it's bigfoot! Something about the way he walks is giving me a massive boner. Those sexy struts are way too alluring for me to let it just walk away without giving me a taste of that sweet ass. I called out "Mr. Bigfoot! Don't go"
The sexy cryptid heard me and stopped dead on his tracks. We communicated through sign language and he somehow agreed to give me a footjob. With those big ass feet, I don't think I would last long. My cock twitched the moment it touched the hairs on Bigfoot's foot. My precum escalated the pleasure and jerk. I came, lotioning the hairy ape's hot legs with my cum.
Then, he gestured that he would like a piece of my ass, which I willingly gave it to him. I bended over for my hairy smelly lover and he took out his cock from his denim pants. Not only does he have an enormous foot, he also has a gigantic cock. 27 inches! A Crotchsquatch! That of course made my ass pucker. Bigfoot then gave himself to me. Filling my rim with his girthy tube of hairiness. I screeched with glee.
"Yeeeee! Blimey! " I screamed as Mr. Bigfoot filled me with his bonerjams.
That was amazing. Suddenly, Bigfoot went on all fours and pointed at his anus. In sign language, that means, "fuck my ass"
I mean, I wanted to but I don't think my cock is big enough to please my odd lover. I looked around for any object that would plug up Bigfoot but failed. I couldn't just leave him hanging like that after the gratifying anal activity he had given me.
It took me a minute until I had an idea. Remember the leech that was caught earlier? Well it's time for it to shine for this special occasion. I released it from it's cell and let it suck me dry. Literally, I let it suck all of my blood until I was nothing but bones and veins. I looked like a pharaoh's corpse. The leech expanded into a huge cock like object and I handed it to Bigfoot, Who then rode it like a whore.
I would like to continue this amazing adventure but my camera operator called it off and contacted help after seeing me in fatal condition. This has been a rollercoaster ride. The woods tests a survivor physically and mentally. The ultimate force of nature, it can make you feel so small. But my wilderness adventure is over and it's time go home. So until next time, this is Bear Grylls signing off.