I drift in and out of consciousness. I'm in an all-white room surrounded by doctors, but they all talk so quietly that I can't hear what they're saying. My room has a beautiful view over a park, and I can see all the people below me walking around like ants. There's a tube down my throat so I can't talk. There's nothing I can do but drift back to sleep.
I don't know how many days pass, but it's been at least two before I'm released. Almost like magic, my leg is healed. All that remains of Phoenix's attack is a thin scar down my thigh.
The doctors have taken the tube out of my throat, and I can finally talk, but I have no words to say. Every time I think I've forgotten, the crushing weight of everything reappears, and I'm unable to move.
When I'm released from the medical ward, it's Salacia that is waiting for me. She shrieks, enveloping me in a hug before I have any time to react.
"You were fabulous!" she reassures me as if that's what I'm worried about. "The Capitol will just love you."
"Thank you, Salacia," I say. I have nothing else to say.
"You may be wondering where Nereus is," she says, even though I wasn't. As long as I get to go home, I couldn't care less. "After your Victory, he's a celebrity in the Capitol. He's touring the Capitol right now! Isn't that so exciting?"
"So exciting," I echo mindlessly. Of course Nereus wouldn't even bother to greet me after surviving the Hunger Games. I don't know what I expected from him.
Salacia leads me down the winding corridors of the building until we reach the basement. "Your interview with Caesar is tonight," she explains. "I'll leave you with your stylist now."
I sigh with relief, throwing the door open and slamming it behind me without saying a word to Salacia. If anyone will just let me be myself, it's LeeAnn. The tiny woman is already inside waiting for me. She gives me a small smile as I enter the room. "Welcome, Griff," she says warmly. "Have a seat."
I sit in her styling chair as she pulls products out of a drawer. "Congratulations on surviving the Games," she says, pulling on strands of my hair. "I know how played-up the Games are in here, but I can imagine how hard it is for you."
I'm surprised to hear these words come from a Capitol woman, but maybe they aren't all brainwashed. I sigh as she begins trimming my hair.
"I feel like I shouldn't be here," I confide to her. "I always knew one of us was going to die, but I didn't know it would be so…"
I can't even finish my sentence. All I can think of is Aurora's body falling to the ground. I was unable to move, unable to stop her.
"Let's talk about something else," LeeAnn suggests, ruffling my hair a bit. "Who are you most excited to see at home?"
"My sister," I respond almost immediately. "Clarissa. She made me promise I would come home. I didn't mean it when I said I would, but here I am."
"That's sweet," LeeAnn sighs. "I'm sure she's so proud of you."
We sit in silence for a while before LeeAnn asks me another question. "What would you have done if the roles were reversed?" she says quietly. "If Aurora had fought to save you and killed Phoenix, and she was laying on the ground, bleeding, what would you have done? I'm not supposed to mention it, but you know you couldn't have pulled the same trick as Katniss did."
My whole body throbs as I think of Aurora's last moments. The thing that hurts the most, though, is the fact that I would have done the exact same thing. I would have killed myself to let her live. When I see it from that perspective, I see how Aurora could have killed herself. She has nobody other than me. I have a family to go back to. I can rebuild my life without her. But do I want to?
LeeAnn dresses me up in a purple suit. I think it's the most expensive thing I've ever touched with my own hands. LeeAnn moves to pass me a mirror, but she hesitates.
"Before I give you this," she warns me, "just know that you look amazing. You're a new man, Griff. Don't hold on to the past."
I grab the mirror, and I barely recognize the man in the mirror. I have a jagged scar running down my face that I am seeing for the first time. There were no mirrors in the medical ward. I run my fingers down the scar. I don't know how to feel. My hair has been re-dyed the royal blue from before the Games. The color Aurora hated. Tears pool in my eyes, but LeeAnn is there to wipe them.
"Let's not mess up your makeup," she says sternly. "It'll be okay."
"I don't think I can do an interview," I sigh, my breath shaking. "I can't bear to think of her. It's too much."
LeeAnn just rests a small hand on my shoulder. "Griff, what do you think you've been doing this whole time? Imagine I'm Caesar. You've been doing an interview this whole time. You just have to get through this Interview, and you'll go home, darling. I promise."
"Thank you," I say. I have no other words for LeeAnn. What would I do without her?
LeeAnn sends me to the stage with an Avox, blowing me kisses as I close the door behind me. I'm whisked to the stage, and before I know it, I'm back under the blinding lights. The crowd is so loud that the ground shakes beneath my feet. I offer the crowd a smile - I wasn't trained for this. I suddenly realize that I have no idea what I'm doing.
Caesar Flickerman beckons me, and I sit in a seat across from him.
"Griff, welcome!" he cheers. "It's such a pleasure to have you here."
"Thank you, Caesar," I say, still trying to adjust to the stage. I feel nauseous as I realize how many eyes are focused on me. Every move I make is being televised.
"Now, we're all dying to hear what you have to tell us," Caesar says, and I wince at his poor word choice. "Before we begin, though, let's take a look back at this year's Games."
The screen behind me lights up, but I don't look back. I don't want to see any of this. All of it is already ingrained in my brain. Caesar reaches over and swivels my chair to face the screen, and his facial expression is clear - I have to watch the recap. There's no way out of this one.
The video begins with the Reapings. This time, they're shortened to only show the major players of the Games. I watch as Phoenix and Isabelle raise their hands triumphantly. Vesta clings to Axel protectively as they're taken away by my escort. My heart aches to see the District 2 kids again.
District 4 is the longest one shown. I watch as Salacia reaches slowly into the bowl, the bowl of papers that would change our lives forever. Aurora is whisked to the stage. My face is shown in the crowd as I'm chosen. I look so young, so defeated, so… innocent. I'm torn away from Asher as I'm brought to the stage. I wonder what Asher is thinking right now, watching his best friend become a killer.
Vance and Willa are Reaped in District 7, followed by the pair of siblings from District 11, and finally, Rory and Selina from 12.
A short clip of the Parade is shown, and then the Interviews. Suddenly, all the memories come flooding back. The interviews feel like they were years ago. I remember how cocky Phoenix was in his, and how proud I was when my Interview went according to plan.
Caesar's outfit is blindingly white on the broadcast as he interviews Phoenix and Isabelle. "Well, Phoenix, I heard from Isabelle that you both have military experience," Caesar says, "Although from the losing side…"
There it is! I watch as Phoenix's smiling mask drops for just a second before he puts it back on. For an instant, he looks like the murderer I remember. The boy who almost killed me. My whole body shudders at the sight. He was crazy from the very beginning.
In my Interview, I look so confused as I walk on-stage. Aurora answers the first few questions for me as I take in the sheer size of the crowd.
"Griff, how did it feel to be Reaped alongside Aurora this year considering you were not a part of the rebellion? I understand that you have a family of your own," Caesar says, snapping me out of my fog.
I shudder a bit, and Aurora reaches over to touch my hand. I have to look away - I can't watch this.
"Of course it was difficult to say goodbye to my family, Caesar," I hear myself say. "A week before the Reaping, my parents begged me to break up with Aurora. They hoped it would save me from the Reapings. I just couldn't do it, though. I'm all Aurora has, and I swore to myself that if I could protect her, I would."
The crowd is silent. I have to hold back my tears. I wish I was still the boy on the screen. I wish none of this had ever happened.
The Games themselves crawl by so slowly that I feel like I've aged a year during the broadcast. I rewatch the Bloodbath as I stab the boy from 5 and the girl from 8, and I can't watch after that. I train my eyes on the ground as I'm forced to watch all these kids die again.
There's no way for me to stop listening, though. I hear the District 10 kids scream as Phoenix and Isabelle kill them. I hear my conversation with Vesta from the first night.
"You really got a feisty one, didn't you?" Vesta says to me.
"She's got a big spirit. But that's why I love her."
"That's beautiful. It's such a shame you had to be sent here. A shame for all of us, really. But especially for you two."
"Do you have a boyfriend back home?"
"I never had one. The opportunity never came, you know? I wasn't worried about all that back home. I think I could have, but I was busy with the war… I just wish I lived my life more while I had the chance."
I don't realize I'm crying until the tears spill out of my eyes. Poor Vesta. Poor, poor Vesta.
I can't watch the broadcast. I just can't. I listen as the kids from Three are mauled by robotic birds. Rory is ripped apart by wolves, and Axel's head hits the ground with a thud that's forever ingrained in my memory. The audience watches the recap in awe and pleasure. I can't do this. All I want to do is to get the hell off this stage, but my legs won't move.
The acid rain is next. I hear my screams as the rain melts my skin. For a moment I glance up to the screen to see Jesse, the boy from Eleven, throwing himself over Phoebe and protecting her with his body. Now I know why he died during the rain while she was unharmed. I hear her scream for him to stop, scrambling from under him, but it's no use. He's too heavy and too stubborn.
The monkey mutts are next, and I have to listen to Selina's screams as her heart is ripped out by the robotic beasts. I ball my fists so tightly that my palms start to bleed. It takes everything in me not to scream with her.
The rest of the Games pass in a blur. The Feast, Vesta's death, my close encounter with death. Before I know it, it's just me and Aurora.
"No, Aurora, stop-"
"I love you, Griff, but you have a family back home. I have nobody except you. Please, just don't forget me. Remember what we had and remember the boy you were before we came in here. But please know I forgive you for everything. I want you to live your life the way you always wanted, even if it's without me."
"Please, no! Please!" I beg.
I sound so pathetic. This scene has played out in my mind so many times, I don't even shed a tear. I failed Aurora, plain and simple. And I'll never be able to live it down.
"Remember the boy you were before we came in here…"
Well, that boy is gone. And he will never return.
Caesar turns to me, and honestly, I could punch him. For everything he's done to me. For everything these people have put me through.
LeeAnn's voice echoes in my head. "You just have to get through this Interview, and you'll go home, darling. I promise." I just have to get through this. This interview is the doorway to the rest of my life. Maybe things will get better.
I'm stunned as the recap finishes. I can barely move the muscles in my face. I feel like I've watched a completely different Hunger Games with different people, and at the same time I can still hear Axel's head hitting the floor, Aurora screaming my name in the Bloodbath, the blood of the boy from Three dripping slowly to the ground, those horrible birds screeching…
Caesar can tell that I'm in no place to be answering questions, and I'm grateful as he throws me easy questions with one-word answers. I try so hard to answer questions. I use all the energy I have left to get to the next question, to get through this interview, to just go home. I don't know how I get through it, but I do. Before I know it, Caesar is shaking my hand, and the cameras are cut. I almost collapse on the way off the stage.
The others aren't backstage this time to congratulate me on getting through the Interview without making a fool of myself. Nereus is nowhere to be seen. Even Salacia is gone. There's just a lonely Avox waiting for me. She's a girl about my age, and she nods at me before walking away. Seeing nobody else, I follow her. She leads me back to my suite, and as I enter, she passes me a letter. I look into her eyes fleetingly, and for a moment, I see her. I understand. I don't know what she's in here for, but who knows the things she's seen. She hasn't watched 23 kids die, but the atrocities she's faced… I don't know. I just feel a connection somehow.
And then she's gone, just like that. I step into my room carefully, taking no time to undress. I open the note slowly. It's from Salacia.
Griff~
Apologies for not greeting you after your interview. My Capitol duties call, and I must go. Tomorrow you will be crowned by President Snow. Before the event, he has requested a personal meeting with you. No matter what, be prepared. Your actions reflect on Nereus and me. Don't screw it up. After the crowning, you will return to District 4.
Sleep well.
~Salacia
She always has a way with words, doesn't she? I sigh, throwing the note onto the table. I shudder at the thought of meeting with Snow one-on-one. The man scares me more than almost anyone. I'm exhausted, though. It's been a long night. Before I can begin to worry about our meeting tomorrow, I fall asleep, still half-dressed in my interview outfit.