92 Days
by Castlefan6
Authors Note: This is Totally AU; Beckett has left the hospital after her shooting, This describes the activity of each, during those 92 days without contact, both in the hospital and out. It blends some Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. What were each up to during this time, Taking Literary License to fill in the blanks.
I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.
Also, we take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.
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A/N This Chapter is VERY HEAVY dealing with lies, and reasoning why they occur. Research has been conducted but remember this is still an AU story and may be bent to fit the Beckett situation slightly.
Chapter 17
Dr. Burke's Office Lobby
6:34 AM
Day 91
Kate's POV
Kate had been awake almost the entire evening, she finally got around to reading the material she left the doctor's office with from her initial visit and discovered she had homework, a lot of homework due at the start of her next session. Who the hell gives homework anymore she had thought, this isn't high school?
As she began to read some of the material, she was convinced Dr. Burke was going to hold up her return to work until he was satisfied with her emotional and mental state, primarily lying, and she only had 90 days to turn things around.
FLASHBACK TO THE EVENING BEFORE
She read the first question, define what a lie is to you in your personal relationship, professional occupation, and interactions with society. All three portions MUST be answered, succinctly and clearly.
She thought, well, personal was easy, it was when your partner lied to you, such as Josh had done, or held things back such as Will had done when he first applied for the Boston Office position. The one that was throwing her was society, what the hell did he mean by that?
Then she thought of Mayor Weldon, a politician, and it was true, every politician she had ever known had lied to some degree, so perhaps that was what he was looking for. It was an honest answer even if it wasn't what he was digging into, at least she answered the question completely. She did note a footnote on the form that there were no incorrect answers, only ones that were incomplete would be scored as incorrect.
The next question threw her, just as she read it. Which of the following are considered lies, in your value system? Remember, it can be you lying or someone lying to you, please consider what your personal acceptance level is to accept such a lie, not what has happened historically.
Twisting or modifying the truth to keep someone from getting hurt.
Misleading someone in order to achieve an end goal.
Lying to yourself about your true feelings.
What the HELL? How did these questions affect her ability to be NYPD's youngest and most successful closer of cases? She was getting angry now, someone with the power to allow her to return to her job was making her go through this ridiculous exercise, and there was nothing she could do about it, not even requesting a new doctor. She had talked to her union rep at length, and the closing statement said it all, 'suck it up Kate, it all depends how much you want to remain a cop"
She answered each part of the question with the word LIE next to each of the three portions of the question.
The next question kicked her square in the stomach,
Do you consider yourself to be a habitual liar? You are being evaluated with this process because clinical observation believes that you tell lies more often than the 'normal' individual, making you a risk to the NYPD. Given the opportunity to tell the truth in a difficult situation, or tell a lie to make the situation return to one under your control, it has been evaluated that you would lie over 79% of the time.
This figure and statement have been deduced from your initial interview and counseling session with your therapist, where you were caught in lies, several times during the two-hour interview. It is the therapist's opinion the facts were not misstated due to your continued confusion from your trauma but fit your pattern of past answers to departmental questioners, all of which are on file and subject to your independent therapist's review, as is your right.
If confusion still persists at this point, it medically disqualifies you from returning to active employment, much less carrying a firearm.
She remembered briefly answering questioners over the years, hell, no one looked at those damn things, and yes, she did lie on them. People who told the truth were sent to counseling, for early signs of burnout, later named PTSD. She knew of three cases where the department forced them into counseling.
This left her a hell of a choice, if she claimed confusion she was automatically shelved, if she admitted to lies, then she would have to follow through with these bullshit therapy sessions. Suck it up Kate, as her union rep told her, you can outlast him, hell you take down murderers, she told herself, trying to get some of her self-confidence back.
She went to the refrigerator and pulled out a beer instead of water, this was pissing her off, first, that she even had to see this quack, next to all the work he piled on her to earn his fee.
She read the next question, Are there any scenarios, or person, or persons that would likely cause lies to occur more often than true statements? Please list complete names of people, and describe any scenarios below,
She thought, hell this is a hoot, Castle. He drove her crazy, but why? What had he done? Why was she always so hell-bent on pushing him away?
Where are you? She replied, "at the precinct, often interrogating a suspect."
Who are you with? "Most often with Castle, eh, Richard Castle my civilian partner"
How do you feel? "I'm with a murder suspect, so I'm focused, trying to determine who's guilty"
Are you lying to make yourself feel better or avoid making someone feel bad? "I'm lying to the suspect because I can bluff to get a confession, it's not really lying it's an interrogation tool"
Answering these questions, TRUTHFULLY, can help you pinpoint which scenarios, emotions, or other factors trigger you to lie. Once you've identified one or more triggers, record them in your journal, including place, date, time of day, who you were with, and a brief description of the event.
Your therapist will work with you to help you formulate methods to avoid lying. Remember, it will only work if you record the events truthfully and completely. Lies of omission are often the ones most often excused by ourselves, as not really being lies, but are just as dangerous, if not more so.
This is going to be tougher than I thought, she thought to herself, remembering that Dr. Burke was the psychologist for all of NYPD and had encountered cops like her many times before. Well, if he's going to make me work, then he'll earn his blood money she thought. She didn't have a fond opinion of doctors of any kind, but especially those who as her Aunt Sarah used to say, "quacks that practiced mind control"
The next section was a multiple-choice type of question, "In your personal and professional experience which of the following are truly lies, and which is the most dangerous type, please rank them from low to high?"
white lies
lies by omission
exaggerations
"gray" or subtle lies
complete untruths
Holy shit, this is going to take me all damn night, she tossed the beer bottle and put on a pot of coffee to brew as she tackled the question just asked.
She wrote in her answer column, "All are lies, but it's impossible to rate which lie would be more harmful without knowing the context of where, when, and why it was told. Complete untruths usually tend to be most dangerous, but again, exaggerations or even omissions of facts can also cause great harm. In my profession a lie is a lie, there is no white, grey, red, or black, thus the oath required to testify and the promise by swearing, to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing else is part of our legal process."
"Choose any two and write an example of the lie, and WHY? Remember, the answer you just gave for which lies are most dangerous."
Jesus, is he asking me to rewrite Sigmund Freud's entire works, what the hell was he getting at anyway? She grew angrier the longer she worked on the 'homework' as he called it, bullshit was what she called it.
She chose exaggerations, then wrote, "Perhaps you exaggerate your achievements at work because you believe you're less successful than your friends and want the honor and respect they receive." She was actually thinking of Javi, Mr. Special Forces, how much was true, who knew.
For the second lie type, she chose lies by omission and wrote, "Perhaps an ex or someone your current partner would be worried that things could go further with, invited you to lunch, you accept but don't tell him because you know it will end up in a jealous fight, as well as put doubt in his mind."
She was thinking about how insanely jealous Will had been, she had often failed to tell him of lunches with males, knowing the results, was it a lie, yes, but compared to the alternative, she thought it was the right decision then, and still believed so now.
The next statement smacked her right in the face, "Have you ever changed your personal plans to accommodate someone else because you didn't set boundaries on your own time and priorities?"
Of course, she had, she did it all the time, letting the boys go, and her staying late to finish paperwork or taking on a role she hated, and even was hurtful to her finances. Who else had served as a bridesmaid 11 times, 5 times to people who were only connected to her by friends? She was a friend of the friend yet spent the money to be at the wedding.
She read next about setting boundaries to keep from believing you had to lie to get out of a request. The example spelled out what areas boundaries could be set for each individual, such as
personal space
sexuality
emotions and thoughts
stuff or possessions
time and energy
culture, religion, and ethics
She realized she was very good at not being shy in telling someone where to go if they invaded certain areas, others not so much. Sexuality was one she was adamant about her boundaries, she didn't care how much she cared about the person, there were things she wasn't going to do, end of the story. Some women used I have a headache, she just said 'I have a gun, and I know how to use it, don't violate my space, NO MEANS NO.'
Yet her time and energy had almost zero boundaries of what she would allow. She found herself lying to get out of going to cousins' parties or other things she really had no interest in. The same was true for culture, religion, and ethics, well outside of breaking the law. None meant enough to her to set boundaries, or they hadn't until she began to see, the overall reasoning of the example.
Lies begin in one area, but spill over to multiple without you even paying attention, and one little white lie turns into a complete and total lie, much like she had done to Rick. Maybe Burke wasn't such a quack after all she thought,
She glanced at the clock, it was after 4:00 AM, and she had one more section to work on, the coffee was long gone. She made another pot, took a bio break, threw some water in her face, and returned determined to finish, this soon.
She was pleasantly surprised when she turned the page, it was a summarization of the points raised so far, with one stark difference. The literature stated in bold, Once you set your boundaries, you have every reason to believe that others must honor them, the need to lie about anything is now gone.
It's replaced with rules and boundaries. Will you fail and fall back into old habits, absolutely it will happen. The solution for that is to start over, as if the process is completely new, revise your boundaries if necessary, or if they aren't working. Remember, your emotional health is dependent upon you, set the rules and boundaries, and remove anyone who continuously violates your rights.
I have a right to say no without feeling guilty.
I have a right to be treated with respect.
I have a right to make my needs as important as others.
I have a right to be accepting of my mistakes and failures.
I have a right not to meet others' unreasonable expectations of me.
Congratulations, you have completed the first part of your clinical evaluation, if you have been truthful, results can be obtained, by building trust, not hatred or contention towards your therapist. He / She is a dedicated professional with their only goal being your emotional and mental stability returned to a more acceptable state, for you and for your career.
Kate glanced at the clock, no sense even laying down now, she took a long hot shower, reviewed her answers, and headed out to Doctor Burke's office for the 7:00 AM Appointment.
CURRENT TIME
Dr. Burke's Office Lobby
6:34 AM
She was pacing back and forth, knowing she still had at least 15 minutes before the doctor would even arrive, much less begin the session. She really was a mess, the exercise had forced her to think, even about situations between her and Rick, where she had fallen into the pitfalls of lying. She hadn't set boundaries with Will, Tom, or Josh, and well it cost her with Rick.
It was a double-edged sword, she lied to Rick rather than establishing the boundaries between work partners. She lost both ways, lying to her partner, and her boyfriends, all because she hadn't set what Dr. Burke called boundaries when in reality, it was what was acceptable behavior from all.
She had just completed her coffee when she heard, "Good Morning Detective, I'll be with you shortly," as Dr. Carter Burke opened his office, and turned on the lights. Kate discarded the cup, and held tightly to the "homework" she had worked so hard on, and a journal that had three entries in it. She knew she would have to expand it, but she was hoping the doctor would allow her to kill two birds with one stone, and substitute the letter of apology to Rick.
The three triggers she had noted in the journal would all be covered in her letter if the doctor would allow it. She knew she had to hurry since he was only in New York for 8 or 9 more days, and she was hoping once he read it, they could at least meet once face to face over coffee. She knew the only real apology was when someone had the courage to look you in the eye and ask forgiveness.
She had just taken a deep breath and sighed when the door opened, and Dr. Burke said, "OK Kate, you're early but come on in and get settled. Coffee, tea, or water is available to you behind you," he said, cordially, much more so than their first meeting.
"Thanks, Dr. Burke but I just finished a cup," she feigned a smile and took a seat in the chair directly across from his desk. She wanted to watch his eyes as he asked the questions, she wasn't a rookie in investigation techniques, but if she could pick up a trick or two.
"Very Well, shall we start"? she acknowledged by shaking her head affirmatively, and then she heard Dr. Burke say, "This session is being recorded on this 4th day of the month in the offices of Carter Burke, MD, present is NYPD Detective, Katherine Beckett, to go through return-to-work evaluation, extended version, due to some discoveries.
"OK Detective, are you aware that this, as well as all of your sessions, will be tape-recorded and processed according to the rules of privacy provided by not only Doctor / Patient confidentiality but also by HIPPA regulations, please answer verbally so your response can be recorded,"
"Yes, I'm aware of the tape recording, as well as my rights, under HIPPA and confidentiality laws in the state of New York," Kate said in a professional tone,
"Very well, you left my office with an assignment for homework, did you complete the assignment as instructed?" Dr. Burke asked,
"Yes, yes I did," Kate responded, offering nothing more,
"Very well, let's dig into the assignment. Before I ask for your answers how would you rate this assignment in helpfulness, 5 being very helpful, 0 being a total waste of time and if you found value in the assignment, how far were you into it, before you recognized the objective from the exercise?"
"I would rate it a 0 for the first 2/3 of the assignment, it wasn't until I reached the final third, I began to see where it all tied together, so that part earned a 5. The average score for the entire exercise would be a 3 rounding up," she replied,
"Well, I must say the score, especially the last as you say 1/3 was encouraging, was there something in particular, you'd like to address or just go through the exercise?" Dr. Burke asked,
"I only have one question Doctor, I did start the journal as instructed for the triggers, but I wanted to know if you would accept a sincere letter of apology, I am far past due in writing to the subject in all three triggers?" Kate asked,
"I see, so one person has triggered your lying or untruths, and you wish to apologize to that person, and include it in your journal, I can accept that, provided it covers the detail as specified," Dr. Burke said,
"Thank you, doctor, he's only in New York for a few more days, and between the assignments and physical therapy, I want to be sure I can get the letter in his hands while he's still here, I'm requesting an opportunity to apologize to him face to face." She said,
"I understand, and if you hit a time crunch, call me to see what we can work out, I think it's great that you wish to face your trigger, well at least one of them face to face and explain that you are seeking help for your habitual lies.
"It's a medical condition Detective, more often than not, but you deserve the same opportunity as if say we were treating an earache. Both conditions are health-related and need medical attention, one is physical, the other is much more subtle but just as real." Dr. Burke said,
"Thanks, Doctor Burke, I think when I said the final part was when the light actually came on, that these areas are all connected, how, I have no clue, that's your expertise, but I did realize that like the body, you can't damage a finger without other parts of your body feeling the pain, or being inconvenienced," she said,
"Well, Kate, the word we use in my field is systemic, meaning everything is part of one large system, the body, and soul. What most of us do is deal with the issues on the local, or sus-system level, commonly put as treating the symptoms rather than finding a cure." He smiled,
"Well, we're past our hour today, Kate, but I'm impressed with the work you put in, same time tomorrow, and we will begin to dig into your answers and see if we can assist you in understanding the when what, and why you are apt to tell something untrue and introduce you to tools that you can combat the triggers. Today was a very good session, see you tomorrow,"
TBC
A/N Once again, the show never dealt with the lies, they were accepted, never called out, even by police superiors. In real life, we all know the penalty for lying on a job. This was one area that the writers missed a golden opportunity to delve into Kate's lies, the why when they began, and how to correct the behavior. To answer one reviewer's private message, no I'm not Dr. Burke, writing a story, and I'm not a licensed psychologist, I just taught it in college as an adjunct professor for years, as well as used it in my real job. This is not the ONLY cure to the problem, just my take on what could have been, Thanks, Tim