92 Days
by Castlefan6
Authors Note: This is Totally AU; Beckett has left the hospital after her shooting, This describes the activity of each, during those 92 days without contact, both in the hospital and out. It blends some Canon dialog, courtesy of Dust Jackets Dot Com, then goes quickly and completely AU. What were each up to during this time, Taking Literary License to fill in the blanks.
I don't own Castle; I use the characters for amusement purposes only, except the ones I create.
Also, we take liberties with the timeline from Canon and use events to make this a more believable fiction, thanks.
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A/N Another VERY HEAVY Chapter dealing with Kate's lies, and reasoning why they occur. Research has been conducted but remember this is still an AU story and may be bent to fit the Beckett situation slightly. We will get back to Rick soon, I promise.
Chapter 18
Dr. Burke's Office Lobby
6:57 AM
Day 92
Kate's POV
Kate arrived almost exactly at 7:00 AM, her scheduled appointment with Doctor Burke, but was still in limbo of what her status with the NYPD, and or Richard Castle would be at the conclusion of these extra therapy sessions. She had been up most of the night, trying to work out alternate scenarios where her life would not include one, or both of them, and it had been exhausting, yet fruitless for a reasonable outcome.
She was so deep in thought, she hadn't heard the doctor arrive and say good morning, and finally, he cleared his voice and said "I said Good Morning, Kate, whatever you're thinking about, we can work on in just a few minutes" as he saw her jump at the sound of his voice,
"Sorry Doctor Burke, I was lost in thought I guess, and you're right, we can discuss things in due time," she said, she was beginning to trust the doctor. The one exercise had proved to her that he had a planned approach, plus she researched him on Goggle and found out he had been published in several very prestigious medical publications.
A few minutes later he opened the door, and she observed the steam rising from his tea, as he removed the bag, and opened his notepad. He reviewed a few notes, and then looked up, and said, "Kate, I know you have some additional things you wish to talk about, I'd like to do a recap of yesterday before we delve into anything new if that's OK with you?" he asked, including her in her road to recovery,
"Whatever you feel is best Doctor Burke, I'm open," she said, not realizing that her tone had completely changed from just 24 hours before. She had come to Doctor Burke, only because she had to, no other reason. Today there was hope that she could begin to see the value of counseling, but they still had a long way to go.
He smiled, "Thanks Kate, let's go back if we may, I found it interesting that you would describe the lies by the different aspects of society, by using a political example. Have you had such a personal reaction to any political figure where you were lied to?"
"Well, you may remember a couple of years earlier, Mayor Weldon had been accused of some serious crimes, leading to the murder of a young staffer, leaving details out, Castle and I fought about his integrity.
"We were on totally opposite sides, where Rick believed in Mr. Mayor and pointed out that I was only seeing what the real killer wanted me to see, he was right. It took a blow to my ego to allow me to open my vision when looking at the facts of a case. Often things aren't what they seem to be, Castle has proved that to me, time and again. I was so accustomed to lying politicians I didn't judge Mr. Mayor as a man, rather a politician." She said, looking out the window,
"Very well, I do recall the scandal or supposed scandal in the papers, it was pretty bad for Mr. Mayor for quite some time. You call the gentleman Castle, is there any reason for that, and who is he in your life?" Doctor Burke asked,
"Oh, he's Richard Castle, Civilian Investigator, and my partner, at work, Calling him by his last name is a cop thing, we never use first names, so it's a habit." She said, and looked down,
"I see, but there's more to the story, so what aren't you telling me, Kate? I know what I saw and heard at Captain Montgomery's funeral, but that was at a moment of crisis. How do you feel about Mr. Castle, and please if you've never been honest with yourself before, now is the time to do so." He said gently, never turning his eyes away,
"I love him, but I keep pushing him away. I don't know why, I wish I did, I get angry and jealous when I see him with other women, but when I'm with him, well, I don't do anything to make him feel that way towards me." Kate said, a tear coming to her eye,
"Very well, and thank you for being truthful, the more often you are, the less strange it will become when you're asked the difficult questions. We'll discuss this more in a bit,"
"Thanks, Doctor Burke, you already knew I loved him, how?" Kate asked,
"In time Kate, in time, now let's return to your results, shall we? He shuffled the pad, then looked at her and said, "How did you feel when you discovered that you had been evaluated as ranking in the percentile that you would lie over 79% of the time.?" He asked, then stopped and looked at her,
"Well, I, eh, honestly doctor it pissed me off. How could a couple of hours with you, and some answers on a questioner that 99% of cops just choose any block to complete the form when they are required lead you to that conclusion?" Kate asked, twisting her hands,
"Well Detective, you're not revealing any secrets, we know all cops lie on those questioners, but there are enough as we call them substantiative questions that lead us to identify those who are tracking in a dangerous path. Suicide, Divorce, Alcoholism, are just three leading factors impacting your fellow officers.
"New York, along with California, Florida, and Texas lead all states in the number of suicides by Police officers. It's a statistic we publish, but I'm sure as you say, they don't read the entire question before choosing a box just to complete the form. Your team members and you have 11 times the national average of taking your own life.
"Police officers face a great deal of trauma on a day-to-day basis. This constant exposure to devastation, life-threatening situations, and the physical strain of working long hours can lead you and your fellow officers to feel hopeless and anxious, you've felt it, and seen it, I'm sure.
"In addition to the threat of physical harm, as if possibly getting shot isn't enough, officers are constantly witnessing devastating and disturbing events such as in your case, murder, suicide, and possibly some domestic violence cases that have reached their tragic end every day you go to work.
"On average, police officers witness 188 'critical incidents during their careers. This exposure to horrific acts of violence can lead to multiple mental health issues that often get untreated. For example, the rates for PTSD and depression among police officers are five times higher than that of the civilian population.
He witnessed Kate squirming on her chair, twisting the tissue in her hands into shreds, "You see Kate, you're not here because you lied about your weight, or your height, hell I would expect a majority of civilians to fudge as they call it a bit.
"My job is to determine, how much you've been impacted by your recent trauma, and how much did you have with you before the shot rang out. Do you disagree with any of my statements Kate?" he asked in his deep tone, peering over his glasses,
"No, you're right Doctor, I've seen it, hell even felt it a few occasions, but usually I take a few days off, read a couple of good long novels, and try to recharge, so far, it's worked, or so I thought." She answered,
"You're correct, it masked the problem Kate, what you thought was curing the problem, only pushed it deep enough into your psyche that you didn't have to deal with it. I'm sure you busied yourself with work, thinking work was the cure, am I correct?" He asked,
A very quiet "Yes," was heard,
"Kate, you're not alone in thinking you're weak by seeking help, but how many times have you seen an officer or retired officer turn to alcohol, drugs, or another substitute rather than facing the real problem. Would you want to be on a dangerous call with such a cop? Perhaps he's drunk or high, he has your life in his hands, so this is WHY we can't allow lies to continue.
"You have the right to do as you wish with your body, but you don't have the right to place innocent team members in danger because you have a problem, I'm sorry but that is the crux of this problem. You may have read that I've filed the preliminary paperwork to have you retired due to medical reasons, do you have any questions about that?" He asked, looking her squarely in the face
"Yes, what are my chances of ever returning to the NYPD? I mean should I start looking for an alternate occupation now, or how confident are you in your ability to cure me?" Kate asked,
"First Kate, I will never CURE you, no one will, it's a sickness just like your father's alcoholism, which I understand he's done remarkable with. The answer to the first part of the question is up to you, I start the paperwork for EVERY patient in your circumstance, because it takes almost 9 months, sometimes up to a year to get it processed.
"It's not a scare tactic Kate, it's done to ensure that if you can't return to the NYPD in ANY capacity, your income flow won't be compromised any longer than necessary. I've been called every name but those of the saints when patients read that clause, does that make you feel any more confident Kate?" He asked,
"Well, it does make me feel better and count me in with others who are guilty of calling you less than flattering names. I apologize, even though you didn't hear them, it wasn't right. I understand now, you are looking out for my wellbeing as your patient, so thank you" she said,
"Well, I find one part of your answers interesting, I want to discuss this and clarify some things. When you were asked where you were and with whom most often when you lied, you responded, with the following;"
Where are you? She replied, "at the precinct, often interrogating a suspect."
Who are you with? "Most often with Castle, eh, Richard Castle my civilian partner"
How do you feel? "I'm with a murder suspect, so I'm focused, trying to determine who's guilty"
Are you lying to make yourself feel better or avoid making someone feel bad? "I'm lying to the suspect because I can bluff to get a confession, it's not really lying it's an investigative tool"
"Do you remember answering the questions with these answers, Kate?" He asked,
"Yes", she replied,
"Very well, it seems that Mr. Castle and you are very close, at least in the work environment, while as you say interrogating a suspect. I understand that you're focused, but focused on what? Are you more focused on getting a confession, or finding out the truth?
"How effective is it when you lie to the suspect, aren't you taught to build a repour, and earn their trust in the Academy? What happens when you're caught in your lie, and Kate, whether you are aware of it or not, criminals are far better liars than cops, they've had much more experience in doing it. Even if you think you've fooled one, I doubt that you have, more often you're the one being played." Dr. Burke was perhaps his most stern in the entire session during this question.
"To answer your question Doctor Burke, my focus and Rick's as well is only on finding out the truth. We don't browbeat a suspect into a confession, but now that I think about it, you're correct. Lying to a suspect only works when they are very young or have never dealt with the police before, and they are answering out of fear. I do need to work on my interrogation skills, Rick is far more effective, perhaps because he never lies to them." Kate admitted,
"So, is that why most of the lies occur with or around Mr. Castle? Is it a bleed over from the interrogation room, or is it because you are trying to hide your feelings, or spare his?" Burke continued,
"Well, I'm not sure Doctor, I know that sounds like an excuse but right now as I sit here, I don't know why I lie to Rick. I think he is the only man I'm afraid of disappointing so perhaps I lie so I won't have to meet the standards, I have placed on myself for him." Kate said, quietly,
Dr. Burke looked at her for a few seconds before he spoke. "Well, I think we have established one main reason why the lying occurs, at least in this environment, fear of disappointment to a man you obviously are in love with. Also fear that he will discover your true feelings for him and force you to confront the situation. As long as it's only in your mind, you can control things, or so you think, but you're afraid if you got together with him, you would as you said earlier crash and burn. Is that a fair assessment Kate?"
"It seems fair, Doctor, and it's better than any of the stupid reasons I could come up with. The test is if Rick will allow me to try to explain, I mean, I pushed it about as far, well further than anyone would expect to be forgiven." She said,
"Now turning to a few more segments of yesterday's assignment, by the way, I enjoyed you invoking part of the oath trial witness must take as part of your explanation of the classification of lies. I agree a lie is just that, a lie, there are none less egregious, not when we are dealing with the clinical observation of human behavior." He said, then continued,
"The examples you chose had nothing to do with you, did they? Perhaps you exaggerate your achievements at work because you believe you're less successful than your friends and want the honor and respect they receive."
"Perhaps an ex or someone your current partner would be worried that things could go further invited you to lunch, you accept but don't tell him because you know it will end up in a jealous fight, as well as put doubt in his mind."
"They were great examples, but clearly not indicative of your behavior, at least that has been recorded," Doctor Burke said,
"Actually, the second one was, I had an ex who was insanely jealous, I could smile at a man, and in his eyes, I was inviting him into my bed, so I chose not to tell him of many occasions when I had lunch with men, usually it was Detectives Ryan and Esposito, who work for me, but I still omitted or lied by omission to him.
The first example is that of Detective Esposito, he brings up his military career often, more specifically his time in Special Forces. I haven't checked the validity of it, yet" Kate replied,
"Why is that Kate, why haven't you checked to see if it was a lie?" Doctor Burked probed,
"Why? Because it's not important to the job he is doing for me, I mean he's a detective now, and I doubt we will ever be called upon to perform any duties the forces had done in the past" Kate replied,
"So, the LIE was the important thing to Detective Esposito, not the actual action, just that people believed he had performed them, correct? To others, the lie was just hot air, or memories depending if you choose to believe him." Dr. Burke asked,
"Exactly, it meant more to Javi than anyone else. Most of us had heard the stories so often we just tuned him out." She admitted,
"Turning to the last section, the one you scored a five I believe. Setting boundaries, is something we all do, regardless of the label we put on it. There is always a line we won't allow to be crossed. Is there one area you can give a clear example of your boundary," he asked,
"Sure, the easiest for me was Sex. Some women use I have a headache, I just say 'I have a gun, and I know how to use it, don't violate my space, NO MEANS NO.' she smiled, "I did recognize the other areas where I was a marshmallow and caved to others, and then lied to get out of doing something or going to an event. Had I established the boundaries, no lies would be needed. If a person couldn't accept my boundaries, then he or she would not be in my life." She said softly,
Dr. Burke sat with a slight smile on his face for a moment, then responded, "No matter how long I do this job, I still get a thrill when a patient is enlightened on how they can better manage their emotional and mental health. That was a great answer, Kate, now you need to focus specifically on Mr. Castle, and write your letter apologizing to him, keeping in mind, he has set boundaries as well." He said,
"I see we are almost an hour past our allotted time, would you mind if we cancel tomorrow's appointment, to allow you time to work on your letter to Mr. Castle, now that you are more enlightened of what feelings and actions occurred during that time." Dr. Burke asked,
"No, that would actually work out great, I know it's not going to be easy, or quick, so I can certainly use the extra day to compose it. I'll see you next week Doctor Burke," she paused before turning to the door, "Thank you, Doctor Burke, I know I wouldn't be this far, well with any other therapist, so thank you"
"My pleasure Kate, good luck with your letter, I'll see you next week." He said as he answered his phone apologizing for running late, and asking his secretary to show the next client back as Kate exited the private door to the hall and street. Now all she had to do was write the letter, no big deal, she had this, yeah right that's why your hands are sweating like a high school girl asking a boy to dance on a lady's choice. She thought.
TBC
A/N Apologies for the absence of any other characters in this chapter, I started it and it basically wrote itself. Next chapter Kate will struggle putting her thoughts into words, and we check back in on the Hamptons and how Rick is adjusting to his two ladies, aka house guests. Again, this is not the ONLY cure to the problem, just my take on what could have been, Thanks, Tim
The research used 2019 figures and statistics for suicide rates.